10 Things You Need To Ask Yourself If You Are Considering Whether To Stay In or Leave a Relationship
By Susie and Otto Collins

Whether you’ve been in your relationship for 2 months, 2 years or 20 years, we don’t have to tell you that making the decision to stay in or leave a relationship is one of the most important decisions you’ll ever make.

We’ve both also made this decision ourselves in our previous relationships, so we know how difficult it can be.

In our relationship coaching practice and workshops, we’ve guided hundreds of people through a conscious decision-making process of whether to stay and work to make their relationship better or whether to leave their relationship with grace.

In this article, we’re offering ten powerful, thought-provoking questions that you need to deeply consider if you are in this situation.

We invite you to take some time to reflect on these questions and write out your responses without censoring or judging them.

If your partner is willing and you feel like you can ask, invite him/her to answer these questions as well, and then compare your answers.

If you are trying to make the decision of whether to stay in or leave the relationship by yourself, your answers to these questions will give you a lot of insight into what decision is best for you.

1) Why am I considering leaving this relationship?

When things get tough, most everyone has had the thought roll through their minds at some time or another that maybe they might be better off without their partner. Although this question seems obvious, reflecting on it will shed light on how deep your pain is in this relationship.

2) What is the real reason you are considering leaving this relationship?

There’s always a reason underneath what you say is the problem. This question is not to trivialize your answers to the first question but rather to ask you to delve deeper. For example, if Susie had been asked this question about her previous marriage, she would have answered the first question with – “We no longer have the same interests, the passion has gone out of the marriage and we seem to be leading separate lives.” After going deeper, she would have said, “I realize I will never get the love that I want in this relationship.”

3) What are the most important things you need to consider in order to make this decision?

You might want to consider housing for you and your children, financial concerns, health concerns, or other life circumstances. An example of this may be: “If I leave (or stay in) this relationship, I won’t be able to attend college and that is an important goal of mine.”

4) How will the other people in my life be affected if I stay or leave and can I deal with that?

We never know how others will be affected when we make a decision of this magnitude. While we need to consider how this decision will impact them, the ultimate, conscious choice should be ours and ours alone.

5) If children are involved, will they be able to see a better example of love in action if you stay or if you leave?

Considering how staying in or leaving a relationship affects the children is usually a major consideration for anyone in this situation. We feel that this is an important question to answer to help you focus on the current and future welfare of your children.

6) Are there any commitments or agreements you will be breaking if you decide to leave this relationship and how do you feel about that?

A marriage commitment is an obvious example of this. Examining your beliefs, including religious beliefs, about commitments is an important consideration as you make your way to your decision.

7) How important is love to you compared to other things in your life?

We’re asking you to look at your values when you answer this question. For example: If you are considering leaving, is having the love you want more important to you than keeping your current lifestyle or home?

Is there any chance the two of you will be able to heal the issues surrounding this relationship?

Ask yourself if both of you are willing to do what is necessary to break down the walls and heal what is happening between the two of you.

9) How have you changed since you entered into this relationship and how have your wants, needs, and desire for what you want in a relationship changed?

Taking an honest look at how you have changed will help you to see if your partner is the kind of person you want to be in a relationship with today.

10) What is the biggest payoff if you were to stay in this relationship and what is the payoff if you were to leave?

Honestly considering what you would be getting out of each of these scenarios will help you to determine what is right for you.

If you are considering whether to stay in or leave a relationship, these 10 questions are a good way to begin to focus your thoughts. If you are interested in delving deeper into this question, you’ll find many more questions, insights and personal stories in our book “Should you stay or Should you go?” To find out more about this book visit our web site at http://www.stayorgo.com.

Do you agree?

About the Author

Susie and Otto Collins are married, relationship coaches and authors of books and courses on relationships which include “Should You Stay or Should You Go?” “No More Jealousy,” “Creating Relationship Trust,” “Attracting Your Perfect Partner” “Communication Magic,” and “Instant Relationship Breakthroughs.” To get their free weekly online Love and Relationship newsletter which is read by thousands, visit ww.collinspartners.com.

Breaking Up is Hard on More Than Two
By Paul Mauchline

They say, “Breaking up is hard to do.” I want to add that breaking up is hard on more people than just two. In recent years, there has been so much focus in the media on the question, “Are you the one for me?” Before committing to a relationship, most people discuss this topic with friends and family, and ponder it on their own. However, in spite of this focus, so many people seem to make poor choices when it comes to relationship partners. Despite the fact we seem to be examining this question with such scrutiny, the divorce rate in the United States, Canada, and several other countries is over fifty percent. It is difficult for me to understand why two people would meet, date, court one another, commit to a relationship, purchase a home, have children, get into debt together, and then decide, “You are not the one for me.” Such a decision has a ripple effect. Whether you have lived common law for two years, or been married for fifteen, such a decision has repercussions not only for the two individuals who are splitting up; it creates a chain reaction that flows down to friends, family, and, most importantly, children if you have them.

If you have children, your relationship problems and breakdown can put their emotional health and well-being at risk. If their concerns are not addressed or treated early on after separation occurs, your children may have their own dysfunctional relationship patterns when they become adults. In the early 1970s, as the divorce rate was beginning to soar, California psychologist Judith Wallerstein began a study of the effects of divorce on 131 middle-class children. After 25 years of studying this group, Wallerstein found that children continue to suffer the emotional repercussions of their parent’s divorce as they form their own romantic relationships in their 20s and 30s. Wallerstein found that, “unlike the adult experience, the child’s suffering does not reach its peak at the breakup and then level off. The effect of the parent’s divorce is played and replayed throughout the first three decades of the children’s lives.”

In Canada, during the 1980’s and 1990’s, single parent families increased by 60% in 15 years to 1.1 million. Considering that the population of Canada is fewer than 30 million, this is a significant portion of Canadian families. Social historian David Blankenhorn, author of the book, Fatherless America: Confronting Our Most Urgent Social Problem, brings to our attention that it is extremely difficult for a single parent to meet all of the emotional needs of a child. A strong relationship with both parents is essential for developing compassionate and confident young men and women. Boys raised in single parent families run a higher risk of becoming aggressive and sexually irresponsible as young men. For girls, being raised in a single parent family leads to a higher prevalence of teen pregnancy and early divorce. The U.S. government recognizes the significant social and economic ramifications of this problem, and has set up several committees to deal with what they view as a critical issue affecting American families.

What do you think? Share your opinion.

Learning From A Relationship Breakdown
By Robert Elias Najemy

A divorce, separation or, in general, any loss of an important relationship is a painful experience. . Such pain can seriously diminish our peace and happiness. We can, however, use this inner discomfort for our spiritual benefit. If we are thinking of separating, there are many lessons we need to examine before we can come to the conclusion that we must separate from someone. But if the other leaves us or this separation has already happened, we might be able to benefit from the following.

1. Our first lesson is to examine our behavior to see how we might have contributed to the problem. Only in this way can we create a new healthy relationship if we chose to.

In relation to this we might want to examine the following:

*We may have been criticizing, complaining, rejecting or otherwise causing the other to feel unaccepted.

*We may have been seeking continual affirmation in ways that may have been tiring for the other.

* Our fears may have been causing us to be over sensitive and annoying. *Perhaps we were playing games of power, who is right or who is more successful.

* We might have been playing roles such as the child, the parent, the savior, the holy one, the rebel, the teacher or some other role which may have affected the other¹s behavior.

* We may have guilt feelings that were making us vulnerable to the other¹s words or behaviors.

* Perhaps we were not communicating our needs clearly and effectively as an adult and were suppressing ourselves or complaining, criticizing or threatening.

* We might have been projecting onto the other our childhood or other experiences.

* The other might have been reflecting back to us our lack of self-esteem or self-respect.

* We may have attachments that were coming between us.

* We may have inner conflicts, which were reflecting back to us from the other.

2. We may need to learn to love the other in spite of his or her behavior, regardless of whether we stay with that person or not.

3. We can discover that we can live without this person and that happiness, security and love are internal states that are always within us, if only we allow ourselves to experience them.

4. We can use this opportunity to develop greater inner strength so as to feel confident and able to face whatever may come to us in the game of life.

5. Most of us will need to change our self-image. We need now to learn to accept, love and respect ourselves more, so that we do not create the same problem in our next relationship or in life in general.

6. By directing our energies in a spiritual direction and developing a relationship with God – the Universal Being, we are no longer so vulnerable or so dependent on others for our feelings of security and self-worth.

Our lessons might be separated into five categories:

1. We might need to learn to communicate more effectively, assertively and lovingly.

2. Perhaps we need to let go of some attachments, which are increasing our conflicts with others and diminishing our happiness.

3. Examine our behaviors that might be annoying the other.

4. Free ourselves from subconscious programmings, which limit our self-esteem and ability to attract the behaviors that we deserve.

5. Develop inner feelings of security, self worth and freedom. Once our happiness, security and love have become internalized, we can experience unconditional love. Although we need to make every possible step to heal our relationships, if and when a relationship breaks down, there is still much we can learn. Be Well

What have you learned?

What Went Wrong? When Relationships Go From Hot To Cold
By Toni Coleman, LCSW

Everything was great.

We had been dating for 6 months. We shared the same interests, felt very at ease together, had (often) discussed future plans and had even spent some of the holidays together. Our relationship seemed right on track and just right in general.

Then, without warning, he said he “needs some time to think and figure things out.” He stopped calling and rarely returned my calls. When he did, I was often met with silence on the other end of the line. When I asked “what happened”, I just got a verbal run around of excuses about how busy he is and/or how much stress he is under right now.

What happened? What did I do? I don’t know what to think.

Does the above scenario sound at all familiar? If so, you can relate to being confused and stunned over the sudden change in a boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s behavior.

Now think about this – What if your relationship wasn’t what you thought it was? What if unspoken issues had existed all along? What if there were signs you chose to ignore or just didn’t see? Are any of these possible?

Probably.

This sudden change in a couple’s relationship is reported quite a bit by individuals who have just broken up with a significant other. Unfortunately, it leaves the person who has been “dumped” with feelings of low self-esteem, regret, inadequacy and anger.

There is often no real closure, as the couple is never able (willing) to talk through what went wrong or was never right with their relationship.

So, how can you know what the problem was and hope to avoid a repeat of this hurtful experience? You can do this by examining your failed relationship and gaining insight and understanding about what just wasn’t right between you.

In order to assist you with this; I am providing a basic framework of the relationship stages a couple must pass through TOGETHER in order to get to a place of shared intimacy and commitment. If either person’s feelings change before, during or after one of these stages; it is not necessarily the “fault” of the other individual. It is simply a statement about the individuals’ rightness (or not) for each other. It is also a reflection of each individual’s relationship readiness and ability to handle long-term, committed intimacy.

How an individual handles their changing feelings and resultant behavior toward the other is a subject for another article.

Relationships have stages. We have all read articles and books by authors who have come up with their own unique number or names for these. I will try to take a very basic approach to this and keep it simple and as universal as possible.

Attraction

This is the first stage. It is physical, intellectual and emotional – on a very surface level. Girl sees boy and vice versa. They flirt, talk and get a very basic sense of the other. They are usually responding to a physical pull. He/she is cute, funny, charming, interesting to talk to, etc.

Without attraction, first dates wouldn’t happen. It can therefore be assumed that the other person finds us attractive if we have gotten to a first date.

In a way, this is the easy one. We are unknowns to each other. Things progress from this point or they do not. Hurt feelings are minimal. We usually chalk up rejection to; “I’m not his type”. There is no need to analyze or wonder what went wrong.

If both people feel a strong enough level of attraction continues to exist after a few dates, they usually move along to stage two. However, if one finds the other has unattractive characteristics or behaviors, this can lead to an abrupt change in the relationship.

Remember, these behaviors or characteristics would be ones that would manifest in the very early stage of dating.

Some examples: frequently late, never offers to pay, dresses or grooms sloppily, rude to waitress, etc.

Romantic Relating

In this second stage, couples begin to test out the idea of themselves as a unit. Dating is no longer brand new. It is more comfortable and predictable. Sharing romantic dinners and exciting special interests are typical dates during this new and fun time in a growing relationship.

During this stage, flowers are given for no special reason and loving cards are slipped back and forth with words like “thinking of you”. It’s a happy carefree time, when lovers tend to idealize, romanticize and overlook that which can be right in front of them. The relationship seems effortless and spontaneous. Affection is shared openly and frequently. One’s partner seems perfect. There is rarely conflict during this period. The partners often share the unrealistic belief that their relationship is so special and unique that it will always stay this way.

This stage can last from three or four months up to more than a year. It is actually the shortest stage that any long-term relationship goes through. It is also the one we wish we could hold on to forever and long for when it is gone. This is the stage that love poems speak about. It is also believed (falsely) by many that this is what long-term committed love will always be like.

Many relationships begin to stumble at the end of this period. For that is when reality begins to set in. As partners begin to experience some disagreement, conflict and/or shared challenges- the relationship shifts as do the dynamics between the partners.

Though many relationships move past this stage, a number do not. Why? There are many reasons. These can include:

lack of readiness for the challenges of the next stage
issues with commitment and fidelity
immature beliefs about what relationships should be
being stuck on an idealized, romanticized notion of love
If one of the partners is not ready for a less than perfect and more demanding stage of love, they will exhibit this in their behavior, language and overall level of openness and availability towards the other.

This is when the couple begins to think more seriously of a future with each other. The focus tends to be; how well do we get along, do we share similar interests and do I want to date this person exclusively?

Do you agree?

Why are at least half of us selecting the wrong partners?
By Paul Mauchline

I am not an anti-divorce advocate. Divorce is necessary in cases of physical or mental abuse, or in the case of two people who are so incompatible that they never should have been together in the first place. Certainly, if your partner is mentally or physically abusive to you or your children — or if he or she exhibits any signs of violent behavior — you cannot ignore these signs. You are putting yourself, and possibly others, in serious jeopardy. Divorce in such cases is merited.

However, considering the alarming divorce statistics worldwide and the growth and economic success of the divorce industry, I have to question whether we seriously consider the question — “Are you the one for me?” — before marriage. In my opinion, if relationships are failing at such an alarming rate, why did these people get together in the first place? I have heard many excuses for why relationships fail: “he/she has changed since we met”; “we just grew apart”; “the love just disappeared from the relationship; “we weren’t compatible”; “financial troubles got in our way”; “we weren’t communicating anymore”; “he/she was unfaithful and cheated on me.” To me, the reasons are not important. The real issue is why two people meet, date, court one another, commit to a relationship, purchase a home, have children, get into debt together, and then decide, “You are not the one for me.” Whether you have lived together for two years or twenty years, such a decision has repercussions not only for the two individuals who are splitting up, but also for children, friends, and family as well.

Why are we failing, today, in recognizing what we want as individuals, and what we want and need from our relationships? Now, the sixty-four dollar question: why are at least half of us selecting the wrong partners? I do not feel that we are honestly examining the question “are you the one for me?” as much as we may think we are. Relationships are a big part of life for most of us. It is part of our human existence that we choose a mate, share love and intimacy, provide comfort and security for one another, and, in many cases, have and nurture children together. Since intimate, loving relationships are so important to us, many of us are willing to make great sacrifices in order to have a relationship. When we finally meet that potential partner who pushes most of the right buttons, we feel a sense of relief that our search is now over. We are thrilled to have found a partner, a person with whom to have a relationship and share our life. Sometimes, though, we fool ourselves in the initial euphoria of love: we are not honest with ourselves about the things that bother us about our partner. We hope that these things simply will go away. We might ignore upsetting issues and allow them to pass without challenging them, or avoid topics of discussion that could lead to disagreements. We may tell ourselves that the things that bother us about our partner are not very important or that we are being too picky. We may be hesitant about asking questions of our partner that may reveal potential problems for the relationship. We need to make compromises in relationships, but we should not sacrifice our personal dreams and goals for them. By ignoring potential problems, we abandon ourselves for the sake of the relationship.

Many of the warning signs of incompatibility or potential conflict between two partners are present from the beginning of the relationship. The problem lies in recognizing these challenges and addressing them early on in the relationship, before they become irreconcilable differences. If important issues are irreconcilable from the start, it is a good indication that the relationship will not succeed. Each of us is a unique person, with individual qualities, needs, strengths, and imperfections. In relationships with others, two unique individuals come together, and try to live in harmony with one another. Each person’s qualities interact with the other’s to set the mood or tone of the relationship. It is the cumulative effect of many attributes in another that make us feel safe and comfortable in a relationship. Many of us fall in love with one aspect or very few aspects of our partners, and try to downplay the other aspects that make us unhappy. Often this gets us into trouble. If we spend our time and energy trying to reassure ourselves that the problems with our partner do not exist, we may be ignoring the issues that will slowly, cumulatively destroy the relationship.

Why do we choose to ignore these problems? Why do we insist on having a relationship when we know deep down inside that this person is not the one? Why do we choose to set ourselves up for emotional hurt? There are many answers to these questions, but fear is probably the greatest motivating factor for these choices. We fear being unable to find somebody with whom to share our life. We fear living alone. We fear being the last of our friends to be in a committed relationship. We fear the financial hardships of doing it alone in a society of two-income households. We fear growing old and dying alone.

Is this you?

If We Were Meant to Be Why Are We Getting Divorced?
By Paul Mauchline

In recent years, newspaper and magazine articles, books, and television shows have focused on the subject, “Are you the one for me?” This question is one of the most common topics of discussion among friends and family. I have traveled to many parts of the world, and I have heard many a discussion on this subject while sipping coffee in a café, sitting in a bar, or waiting for a bus. We think about and dwell on this question by ourselves, we talk to acquaintances, and we confide in our closest friends. We appear to take this stuff pretty seriously. We would all have to agree that committing ourselves to a relationship, and eventually to marriage or a common law relationship, is probably one of the biggest decisions we will make in our lifetime. Most of us eventually come to a decision that, yes, “this is the one for me,” and make such a commitment. I guess my question is that, if we are examining this question with such scrutiny, why is it that one out of two marriages ends in divorce?

Figures released by Statistics Canada for the year 1992 showed the following divorce rates, by country: Canada, 48.02%; United States, 51.44%; United Kingdom, 48.93%; France, 55.43%; Russia, 46.8%; Australia, 37.79%; Sweden, a staggering 58.93%. The statistics are not all doom and gloom: Spain had a rate of 10.9%, Mexico was at 7.78%, and Italy was at 8.56%. This, of course, does not insure that people in Spain, Mexico, and Italy choose partners more wisely and have happier marriages; the lower divorce rates may be related to factors such as cultural and religious beliefs (e.g., a taboo on divorce). Statistically, second marriages are even less successful than first marriages: it looks as if we do not learn anything from the first time around! As for third or fourth marriages: well, I have to wonder whether these people just like having a party. These statistics are on legal marriages, only. The statistics have not even explored the failure rates of common law relationships, where percentages may be even higher. It’s only a matter of time before the statisticians come up with those numbers for us. It is not uncommon today for an individual to have had two marriages, and a couple of common law relationships during his or her lifetime.

One factor that may be affecting the rate of divorce is the ease of obtaining a divorce. Over the last twenty years, it has become increasingly easy and more socially acceptable to become divorced. Individuals in the state of Arizona now can divorce their spouses without even telling them, courtesy of the automated Quick Court. The system allows a couple, or either partner, to file for a legal separation in just 20 minutes. The machine also allows you to sort out child custody issues. It even allows an abused partner to file for an order of protection, which becomes effective in 24 hours. Once processed, the system prints out a form that the couple or individual takes to a clerk in the courthouse for filing. Six weeks later, the final divorce arrives, with minimal involvement from either party. The cost is only $30, plus court filing fees. Using a lawyer for the same process could cost thousands. This system makes divorcing easier than getting a driver’s license, and has processed tens of thousands of divorces since its introduction in 1994.

Divorce has become a big business in the world today. Due to the demand, more lawyers are choosing to specialize in divorce and family law. Waiting lists are common when seeking an appointment with a psychiatrist, psychologist, or mediator who specializes in divorce and custody issues. Divorce is not a cheap proposition: it is not only supporting the lawyers and the medical professionals like psychiatrists, but provides revenue for real estate agents, movers, furniture and appliance stores, even baby-sitters. Also, let us not forget our local travel agent, because if the divorce has been long, messy, and drawn out, everybody is going to need a holiday to recover from it all!

Yes, indeed, divorce is a big money maker. In March of 1996, publisher Dan Courvette introduced Canada to his Divorce magazine. Launched in the Toronto, Ontario market and published quarterly, Divorce is now in its fifth year. Toronto was just the starting point for this magazine. Publisher and divorce entrepreneur Courvette now boasts a flourishing circulation of 110,000 from 4 different regions: California, Illinois, New York / New Jersey, and Ontario. Expansion of Divorce magazine continues with a new website and with plans to launch a national edition of the magazine by the end of the year. Articles seen in this magazine highlight such topics as “A Fairy Tale divorce” — describing how a nightmare marriage can have a happy ending. Another article, “The Money Trap,” describes how two nice people turn into gladiators bent on destruction. Of course, as in any magazine, it is full of advertisements by lawyers, accountants, realtors, mediators, and dating agencies looking for business. In the Toronto issue of Divorce, there is a full-page ad from Telepersonals, luring readers to get back into the dating scene.

Is this you? If so, comment.

Lisa Daily
The DUMPED Survival Guide
By Lisa Daily

Maybe you knew it was coming. Maybe you didn’t.
You’ve been dumped.

So, other than moping around in your pajamas, spending quality time with Ben & Jerry, what can you do? Well, clear away that mountain of soggy tissues, and I’ll tell you how to get through the worst of it, the first 30 days.

Three things:

Take care of yourself.
Give yourself time to mourn.
Move forward.
The first 48 hours.

The first 48 hours are the toughest. Give yourself at least one full weekend to cry your eyes out, eat junk food and lie around on your couch in a broken-heart coma watching sappy movies or a kung-fu marathon. Try to throw a few comedies into the mix if you can, laughter is good for you. If you want to be alone now, be alone. If you want to be with friends, by all means, invite them to console you. Whatever you do, don’t call your ex. Don’t e-mail your ex. Don’t see your ex. Turn your answering machine on and screen your calls. I’m not saying you should never talk to your ex again, but give yourself at least a month or so to build up your ego again. If you think you might be tempted, by all means, invite a friend over to run defense and keep you away from the phone. Next, force yourself to think of the relationship as over. I know that’s tough right now, but it truly is necessary. Grieve for what it was, and consider it dead and gone.

The first week.

After your first 48 hours, it is important to get off the couch and take a shower. Not just for hygiene reasons, (but trust me, by this time you’ll really need it) but because it’s now time to start taking action. Take down all photos that include your ex. If you need to have a ceremonial snapshot torching, by all means, go ahead. Put all reminders of your ex (letters, gifts, photos, etc.) in a box and stuff it way in the back of your closet, or better yet, your garage – someplace you won’t see it on a regular basis. If you feel yourself starting to idealize your ex, and feel the desire to call him or her, sit down immediately and make a list of all the things about your ex that really annoyed you – the more humorous, the better. Think hard, I know there’s something.

The way he gave the exact same 22-minute response to every single person who asked how his job was going for three solid years. The psycho-squirrel noises she made when she laughed.

The cheap, ugly, green, plastic phone he gave you for Christmas. The way she tried to hold in her sneezes, producing that imploding, snorty noise instead.

Whatever you do, don’t call your ex. Start returning to your normal life. Take an extra 20 minutes with your appearance this week. Sure, you may not feel like getting dressed at all, but trust me, if you look good, you’ll feel even better. Wear something that makes you feel stunning or confident. Nothing smoothes the ragged edges of a recent break-up like a few well-timed compliments. If your weekend on the couch still shows in your face, put some tea bags on your eyelids.

Make plans with friends for every Friday and Saturday night for the next month, and stick to them. Get out and go dancing. It may be the last thing you feel like doing, but you’ll find it’s a fabulous release. The music and physical activity will make you feel tons better. Speaking of which, exercise four times this week. Yeah, I know you won’t feel like it, but do it anyway. You need those happy endorphins that exercise brings. Do a little bonding with your pals. Go to a basketball game, or even bowling. Just get out of the house. One last thing for this week, schedule a massage. You need it!

The second week.

Whatever you do, don’t call your ex. Make a detailed list of all your good qualities. Remember, you’re a unique, wonderful, person, and someone (probably several someones) will fall madly in love with you, and you with them. Keep your plans with friends every weekend, and by all means, do something physical, or humorous, like going to a comedy club. Work out (three times this week, and for the rest of the break-up survival period), go rock climbing, or dance like the Backstreet Boys in your living room (nobody will see you.) Get your heart rate going. Aside from making your body look good, you’ll boost your mood as well. This week is all about pampering yourself. Get a pedicure, or sit in the sauna. You’ve been through a lot, and you deserve it.Spend some of your newfound time (and probably extra cash, too) on something just for you. Guys, you may be feeling the need for some type of electronic device you’ve been putting off. Now is the time. Girls, all I can say is, SHOE SHOPPING! Treat yourself to a little something nice this week, and every week for the rest of the month.

The last two weeks.

Whatever you do, don’t call your ex. You’re halfway through the black period, and the worst is over. This is when you’ll start easing back into your pre-girl/pre-guy routine. Be a little selfish with your time, and do exactly what you want to do. You should be focusing on taking care of yourself right now. Now is also the time to start making long-range plans. Make two plans: One plan for a vacation (even if it’s three years away,) and one plan for your life. You have a clean slate, what do you want to do? Go back to school? Become a rock star? Learn how to make crawfish traps? No one is holding you back now. Write down your goals, and the steps you’ll need to take to reach them.

Holy Moly! Before you know it, the entire month has gone by. You’re through the thick of it now, and on the road to recovery. Sure, you’ll hit some bumps along the way, but you’ll live through this. You’ve made it this far, and you’ll be a stronger, wiser person because of it. Someday, you’ll meet someone who will love and appreciate you for the amazing person you are. And this break-up, which is so awful now, will just be one forgotten U- turn on your path to true love.

Is this you? Need help 866.877.9770

The Other Woman Can’t Break Up Your Marriage. It’s Impossible.
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Read More: Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Cbs, Infidelity, Jennifer Aniston, Sex, Sexism, Vogue, Style News

If you have the misfortune to be heterosexual, as many of us do, you have enough on your plate just trying to bridge the divide on how differently men and women go about all things sexual. Women don’t need the extra headache of watching their backs with their own gender. But when it comes to affairs, the focus often shifts from The Marriage to The Other Woman.

This morning I turned on the Early Show just in time to hear the breaking news that there was a “Battle Over Brad” (!) and that in Vogue “Jennifer Aniston breaks her silence and blasts Angelina Jolie for breaking up her marriage.”

The segment went on to pull up quotes from the article in which Aniston didn’t appear to use that language at all. She seemed to express more of a distaste for the way Jolie handled it rather than accusing her of husband stealing.

So this is the problem I have with CBS: it took the sexist route. You never hear people say The Other Man stole someone’s wife, and men are never referred to as home wreckers. But because the appeal of a catfight is apparently news worthy, CBS pit woman against woman and obfuscated the realities of affairs which are these:

No woman can steal another woman’s man, and no woman has the power to break up a marriage. It’s always a decision the husband makes, a choice to step deeper into his marriage, or to step further outside it. Women aren’t omnipotent sirens who lure poor helpless men, and this is true even of women who might have predatory leanings.

None of us has control over anybody — which is usually a big fat drag, as anyone who’s ever tried to change someone knows, but in this case it’s a tremendous relief because it means we only have to worry about our couple — those outside it don’t need our attention because ultimately, they aren’t the threat.

Obviously whoever participates in an affair is accountable for their actions, but that’s not the same thing as being accountable for the end of a marriage.

If a husband is having an affair, it’s the husband who threatens the break up the marriage. If a wife is having an affair, it’s the wife.

do you agree?

COPING WITH BREAKUP
Marriage and Relationship Breakup
When coping with breakup, such as marriage and relationship breakup, or breakup of any close friendship, all of us may experience pain and sorrow at times, it’s a natural part of the grieving process. When you feel like this is getting out of hand, adversely affecting areas of your life and how well you function, then it’s probably time to consider help.
The decision to end a relationship is always a hard one, usually made by one person. Before that decision is made a lot has usually gone on, a relationship breakup happens slowly. Before making the decision ask the following questions:
1. Is it possible to make changes within your relationship?
2. What , if anything can I do to improve things?
3. Are there clear advantages to breaking up?
This will help you appraise honestly whether things are so bad there is no alternative.
A marriage and relationship breakup is a process rather than a single event, so each partner won’t necessarily be at the same emotional point when the decision is made. Unstable emotions may be the name of the game for a period of time. NLP Therapy can help you evaluate what you want, both from this relationship, and future ones.
Telling your family and friends that your marriage or relationship isn’t working and that you are getting divorced can be:
a. Stressful.
b. Emotional.
c. Final.
d. Life Changing.
Plus
The “Plus” is the unexpected responses you may receive when family and friends first react to the news of your relationship breakup. These responses can vary from embarassment, celebration (he/she was never good enough for you!), to criticism and anger.
So you may find yourself dealing with your own changing emotions, and the emotions of those around you.
If you are preparing to end a relationship, NLP techniques can help stabilize those emotions during what is a difficult process. Being prepared and having support can help enormously, and reduce the emotional aftermath.
Identify supportive friends, ones who look at every situation as a potential opportunity and who are always ready to give without keeping score. Identify them and stay close. You know who they are. You feel it. You sense it.
Use professional help when coping with breakup. This will help you face any challenges that lie ahead. With knowledge you can cope, without it you may fear what you don’t know. Knowledge is power.
NLP techniques can also be used to make coping with breakup easier for you and those around you. By using and identifying past resourceful states and utilizing aspects of time line therapy it becomes possible to see a brighter future. A way forward. Using anchoring can help make physiological changes so you feel healthier in mind, body and spirit.
These techniques won’t erase the value of the relationship, or its pleasant memories, but will help you to move on and be emotionally ready for new relationships, so that you can:
1. Like yourself.
2. Stop comparing (and despairing) yourself to others.
3. Start making full use of your abilities.
4. Start viewing your mistakes as a way of learning.
5. Start finding ways to change your life for the better.
6. Start taking action rather than planning action.
7. Learn to accept compliments.
8. Treat yourself as your best friend.
9. Be patient with yourself.
10. Forgive yourself – what’s done is done.
To learn more about coping with breakup, whether of marriage or relationship breakup, or how I can help you achieve your relationship goals, contact me at 866.877.9770

Working hard hints at failing marriage
Women facing break-up do extra hours
David Smith
If a woman suddenly starts working longer hours, it could be a telltale sign that her marriage is on the rocks, according to a study by economists.

Women whose marriages are collapsing will clock up an average of 283 hours a year — or six hours per working week — more than those who are in stable, happy relationships.

While one explanation could be that they prefer to spend time with their workmates rather than with an estranged husband, the research suggests the motivation is mainly financial.

Women facing divorce not only want to boost their income ahead of the break-up but also want to ensure they are employable once they are reliant on their own earning power. By working longer, perhaps moving from part-time to full-time work, they build up skills and are less marginalised in the job market.

Men respond differently. Faced with a marriage break-up they do not throw themselves into work. If anything, they cut down slightly on their hours.

The research paper, The Effect of Divorce Risk on the Labour Supply of Married Couples, will be presented this week by Kerry Papps, a Cornell University economist, at the Royal Economic Society annual conference at Warwick University.

The research findings were derived by comparing women’s working hours with their marital status. If a woman was married one year but divorced a year or two later, it was assumed that she would have seen the break-up coming.

That was then compared with her working hours to produce a significant statistical match. Marriage experts say the findings make sense for a variety of reasons. “If someone is unhappy they may throw themselves into work, and the socialising that goes with it, as a way of distracting them from being unhappy,” said Denise Knowles, a counsellor with Relate, the UK’s largest provider of relationship counselling and sex therapy.

“I don’t think this always happens at a conscious level. Things may be unpleasant or unhappy at home so they work harder because there is a sense of stability at work. They may not feel valued at home but they do at work.”

Papps’s paper also includes so-called “hazard” rates for divorce — the time after marriage when the risk of break-up is greatest. For both men and women in their first marriages the risk of break-up peaks after four to five years. Women who remarry are much less likely to get divorced.

Divorce rates in Britain have fallen in recent years. In 2005 there were 155,052 divorces, a drop of 7% from the 167,138 recorded in 2004. The peak year was 1993, when more than 180,000 were recorded.

The sharp increase in the number of divorces from the 1960s to the 1990s coincided with a big rise in women working. Between the early 1970s and the mid1990s the number of women in work rose from 9m to 12m. It is now more than 13m.

Do you agree?