Archive for February, 2009

Can 365 Nights Of Sex Bolster A Marriage?

Wednesday, February 11th, 2009

Can 365 Nights Of Sex Bolster A Marriage?

(WebMD) If you decided to have sex every day, would your relationship benefit?

Two long-married couples decided to find out. When lovemaking fell off their respective “to-do” lists, they ditched the sweats, bought sex toys and books, stepped up exercise, lit candles, and took trips. Then they chronicled their “sexperiment” in two recently released books, Just Do It: How One Couple Turned Off the TV and Turned On Their Sex Lives for 101 Days (No Excuses!) by Doug Brown and 365 Nights: A Memoir of Intimacy by Charla Muller with Betsy Thorpe.

But will daily sex really help a relationship that’s hit a rough patch? Some experts say yes; others aren’t so sure. As for the two couples who tried it, the Browns and the Mullers, both say the experiment strengthened their marriages in — and out — of the bedroom.

Charla Muller had been married for eight years to her husband, Brad, when she embarked on what she calls “the year of the gift” as a way to celebrate her husband’s 40th birthday Rather than fixing anything wrong in her marriage , she writes that frequent sex made her happier, less angry, and less stressed.

Doug Brown’s wife, Annie Brown, initiated the offer of daily sex after hearing about sexless marriages on Oprah. He had a similar revelation after they started having daily sex. A feature writer for The Denver Post, Brown writes of releasing “an avalanche of flesh pleasures upon our relationship.”

“There’s a special sense of being desired that only comes from sex,” he tells WebMD. “You can be good at your job or at sports, but the daily confirmation you get through sex is a super feeling.”

Reversing the Downward Sex Spiral

According to the National Opinion Research Center, the average American couple reports having sex 66 times a year. Newsweek has noted that 15% to 20% of couples have sex less than 10 times a year, which is defined as a “sexless” marriage.

Familiarity, advancing age, work pressures, the challenges of raising a family, and household responsibilities all conspire against regular sex among many otherwise loving couples who feel too harried to get physical.

When Doug Brown and his wife began their experiment in 2006, they were juggling two kids and two jobs. Married for 14 years, they averaged sex three times a month. And he admits he had performance anxiety .

“I felt I had to be a porn star or an Olympic gold medalist. That melted away with [daily] sex. We learned so much about each other. Sex became much more playful and that translated into a more playful union. We regained an electricity that wasn’t always there before.”

They also lost their inhibitions and embarrassment about the subject and gained confidence. “Now we can talk about anything.”

The Mullers had a similar experience.

“I didn’t realize how much not being [regularly] intimate stressed our relationship,” Charla Muller tells WebMD. “I was a bit of a dodger, because I felt pressure to make it fabulous, because who knows when it will come around again? Now I’m not willing to give it up again.”

She says an unexpected benefit of daily sex was the kindness it required of the couple.

“I wasn’t expecting that. I thought we would only have to be really nice after hours. But we both had to bring our best game to the marriage every day. That was an important part of what went on behind closed doors.”

20 Marriage Principles for a happy marriage

Tuesday, February 10th, 2009

20 Marriage Principles for a happy marriage

Marriage is a ‘life relationship’ between two people. Marriage principles are ways, techniques and methods that can be followed by a couple to strengthen and protect their marriage relationship. It is a fact that more and more marriages end up in divorce. The good news is that there are principles that when applied consistently can save a marriage from the disaster.

Marriage is in essence the substantial union of two people and the maintenance of an oath that they will be next to each other in good and bad times.

If we accept that we have married for all the right reasons, i.e. love, the companionship, communication, love and the absolute agreement of the heart with the logic, then what are these reasons, mistakes or marriage principles that we do not follow that eventually will lead the marriage into a disaster?

The mistakes that lead to a deadlock in marriage are common with some variations depending on the conditions and character of every human being. A marriage ends when the two people cease to care for each other. This is the result of many emotional processes such as anger, bitterness, stress and depression, envy and fraud, lost confidence, low self esteem and of course the wrong choices as well as not following the most common marriage principles and lack of communication.

marriage ring in flower by aprilmuse
What Mistakes / Principles can cause marriage problems?

1. The reason we decided to get married

Let us start from the largest and perhaps the most important mistake: the reason we decided to get married! Unfortunately we marry for all the wrong reasons and that is why almost 50% of marriages end up in divorce. What are the most common reasons that we may get married?

Pressure from our environment: The pressures from our environment because we have reached an age close to or more than thirty and we have not yet married.

Insecurity: Feelings of insecurity that if we do not get married with the person we are together we will not be able to find another person who wants to marry us.

Sudden conditions: A sudden pregnancy, which leaves us with no other options.

Sudden love: A sudden love that ends in 6 months after marriage.

Immaturity: The immaturity of our self does not help us realize that marriage is a choice for life and takes a lot of thought and a lot of effort in order not to make us unhappy.

Wellness: The economic comfort has now become a key criterion when selecting a spouse in today’s society.

Non-logical thinking: The young age that can lead to hasty decisions without any logical thinking!

2. Our great mouth!

This is one of the marriage principles that people fail to follow. What happens in most cases is that we open our mouth and say anything that comes in our heads without first applying the “filter of logic” on the spoken words. As a result from our mouth we throw words that wound the other person, words that create sour, disappointment, offensiveness, and words that most often we do not believe… but unfortunately the negative effect they create is hardly forgotten by the other half. Rather this situation creates the first problems in the story of our marriage. The lack of respect towards our spouse is a mistake, which by time makes the two people enemies rather than being in love.

3. Lack of communication

The failure to actively listen to our spouse is another big problem. People have become very selfish. We tend to do more talking and we have forgotten to listen. We are always correct and the other person is always wrong. We do not do any self-criticism but we tend to continuously criticize our partner. We rarely hear what they are saying to us and even more rarely we do something to change what may have disturbed or wounded them. As a result of this we end up with no speaking but watching television. Neither of the two wants to listen see, or feel.

20 Marriage Principles for a happy marriage

After identifying the reasons that create problems in a marriage, the next step is to take some corrective actions to solve those problems and give the marriage a chance to be successful. One of the ways to do that is to follow some proven marriage principles. Marriage principles are in essence things that you should and things that you should not do or say in a marriage. If the couple follows these principles then the changes that marriage will be successful are increased.

1. Be fair, you are not always correct

Be fair with your self and partner and have always in your mind that you are not always correct. You may be sometimes wrong in your decisions and thoughts. It is a fact that when two people disagree, the truth is somewhere in the middle. And when two people separate then certainly the blame is in both. If from time to time we forget the middle ground, and we do not compromise then this will create severe problems to our marriage. The marriage principle in this case is to compromise and accept the fact that you are making mistakes and sometimes exaggerating more than needed.

2. Do not promise anything you cannot do

If the marriage was based on our many words, but words were never made into projects, it is perfectly logical to be full of frustration and anger. The words and promises are made too easily when we love and when things go well. But when you get into a difficult situation things change. This is the time to stop the unreal promises and start making actions.

3. Everybody makes mistakes

Accept the simple principle, that all people make mistakes. The mistake is part of human nature and we should be able to forgive and look to the future. If we rehash the mistakes, and if in any disagreement we mention one hundred other reasons we should in the past being angry with our partner, then this will kill our soul and will fill it with the anger and bad memories.

4. Respect to be respected

Perhaps while we promised respect, eternal love and devotion, we do not follow this oath? Maybe we did not understand that the marriage is a commitment to life and we must respect and honour the person with whom we connected our lives. Showing lack of respect to our partner, whether occasional or on a permanent basis, is perhaps the biggest mistake that we do. When respect is not mutual in a marriage then it is more likely that marriage will end up in a disaster.

5. Show your interest to your partner

Marriage is like a flower that wants watering every day or else I will be destroyed. So we must not rest on the fact that now that we are married we should not show any interest in our partner but let things as they come. It takes a lot of trouble and struggle to maintain quality and a genuine relationship. We need every day to show our interest in our partner not only in words but also in deeds.

6. Be consistent

We need to be consistent between words and acts so that the other person can trust us. Even taking care to be together and supportive in every difficult moment of our partner and not only look on how we can have a good time.

7. Be open for discussion with your partner

All issues and disputes must be settled and resolved through dialogue and not by absolute positions that are dogmatically imposed from one person to the other person. As a good principle, do not avoid discussions and never try to impose your opinion on your partner. Everybody has his or her own opinion and this should be respected. In case of a disagreement the best way to find a solution is through discussion.

8. Do not take advantage of your superiority

Do not exploit your possible superiorities in a particular area over your partner. For example if you are in a better financial position or have a better job than your partner do not try to take advantage of that and make your partner feel inferior. Instead, as a principle try to support and help your partner to improve with out criticism.

9. Make mutual decisions with your partner

Decide together for the birth and education of a child. Not one has illusions that everything will be rosy and everyone knows that within life there is routine, boredom, and disconnection. You need to have patience and faith in the strength of the relationship and always try to find ways to tackle a difficult situation together through dialogue and mutual decisions.

10. Do not neglect your partner

In the context of marriage you have to give your partner the attention he/she deserves. You should not always deal with your work or children and neglect your partner. The principle is that you should have a balance in your life, so as to manage your time efficiently and have enough time to devote to your partner and family.

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For those who like quick and easy to remember ‘rules of thumb’ here are 10 more marriage principles you can easily follow to make your marriage better.

11. Do not get nervous at the same time
12. Do not shout to each other unless the house is on fire.
13. If someone must win a ‘fight’ then let the other win.
14. If you must judge and criticise your partner then do it with love.
15. Do not repeat mistakes you made in the past.
16. Neglect the word around you than neglecting your partner.
17. Never go to bed without being in terms with your partner.
18. Try at least once a day to compliment your partner.
19. If you make a mistake, be ready to admit it and apologize.
20. It takes two to make a brawl, and usually the one that is wrong talks more.

10 self esteem exercises for a good marriage

Tuesday, February 10th, 2009

10 self esteem exercises for a good marriage

Posted on Friday, October 10, 2008 :: 0 Comments :: :: Motivation, Self Improvement, Psychology

Self-esteem is a major factor for the success of a marriage. It is the reason of success or the cause of the disaster of a relationship.

Self esteem exercises are ways that can help you improve yours and your partner’s self esteem that will eventually lead to a successful relationship and marriage.

First, lets do a quick analysis of the word Self Esteem. The word self-esteem is complex and consists of the words: self + esteem, esteem being appreciation, in other words I appreciate and respect myself.

Self esteem is the basis of a healthy personality. Many times, because of poor upbringing in a family environment, a person can have a bad notion about his character and skills, to feel inadequate, incompetent and a loser.

In the context of marriage the self esteem of both people is very important. Each partner should care about how to improve the self esteem of the other person. Weapons against the low self-esteem of our partner are our love and our acceptance. Stressing how remarkable person he/she is and showing our respect and our confidence in them, we essentially build on a daily basis the family environment that is demolished inside him/her.

image by spclarke
Causes of Low self esteem in marriage

There are many indications, in the context of marriage that can help you understand if someone lacks self-esteem. The most common are:

The childhood of our partner was full of parental rejection and ignorance or even worse he/she was a victim of physical violence.
Our partner has a fear of opening himself to others and being himself, he is very ’sensitive’to others.
Our partner is easily discouraged.
Our partner has no self confidence especially when it comes to taking decisions.
Our partner hardly admits his/her mistakes, always has the need to be correct and it is very difficult to forgive others for their mistakes.
He/she likes to drive a lot.
Often accepts the criticism of others.
Our partner is a perfectionist.
Has a very strong self-criticism
He/she gets angry and upset very easily.
The first step to understand the reasons for having a low self esteem is to accept and recognize the fact that you have a low self esteem. Once you do this self-acceptance you will be able to find the reasons that lead to this situation.

As regards to marriage, there are a number of ‘laws’ that you can follow to make a marriage successful. These relate on what you can do to raise your partner’s self esteem so that he/she is confident and in position to help you raise your self esteem.

1. ‘Give’ in order to ‘Receive’

Contribution is one of the most important components of a successful marriage. Before expecting to ‘receive’ from your marriage you should be in a position to ‘give’.

2. Mutual understanding

If you understand your partner this will make him/her listen to you carefully. Your efforts and proposals will be accepted if you partner feels that you make the effort to understand his/hers views and believes.

3. Patience

Usually within marriage we are seeking immediate results. We want to see the change yesterday, or even better now! However, contrary to our wishes, positive changes need time to develop.

4. Sowing first and then harvesting

What do you sow in your partner and your marriage? Time, creativity, encouragement and understanding; or do you sow self-centredness, anger, hypocrisy, negligence and impatience?

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10 self esteem exercises for a good marriage

Self esteem in a marriage is something that can be improved by systematic effort by the person itself and by the help and support of the significant other. Below there are 10 self esteem exercises that can be followed by a couple to improve each other’s self esteem and develop a more quality relationship between them.

1. The unconditional acceptance

The complete and unconditional acceptance is the most stable foundation to build the self-esteem. Without self estem, a marriage is left in the hands of our emotions that are a non-permanent element.

2. Forget the past

You need to adopt a positive and hopeful perspective against a background where your partner has proved inadequate. Do not always refer to the past and remind your partner for his/her failures. Forget the past and try to praise your partner’s skills and capabilities.

3. Be careful on what you say

It is unbelievable how much power is contained in the words we speak – what words we use and their effect on people of our environment. The words have the power either to destroy a healthy self-esteem and personality or to reverse the negative image that someone has for himself. In your mouth is”life”and”death”.

4. Be supportive in the difficult moments

Within the storms and problems of your marriage, instead of rejecting each other, it is better to build and support each other. Being supportive will not only raise your partner’s self esteem but it will also improve your self esteem because the feeling you get when you give is one of the factors that can make you feel better and make your self esteem better.

5. Free your partner from the feelings of failure.

Free your partner from the prison of “performance and results”, with the gold key that says “freedom from the fear of failure”. One of the most common reasons that may impact someone’s self esteem is the fear of failure. If you constantly criticise your partner about his/her failures then in the long run this will impact self esteem. Try to be supportive and do not always judge your partner based on its performance and results.

6. Say “thank you” more often

Paying attention to your partner and saying thank you shows your appreciation, love and commitment. It will not only make you feel good but it will also bring joy to your partner and feeling of happiness that can fight low self esteem.

7. Do the right think

The sincere praise for your partner’s choices helps to adopt a lifestyle with obedience to moral principles.

8. Help your partner to develop friendships.

When you urge your partner to make close friends you give others the opportunity to show their appreciation to your partner, and to your partner the opportunity to prove that he/she is very important.

9. Keep life under your control

You should not act spasmodically, with feelings of anger, impatience, neglect and self-centredness but you need to take decisions very seriously, being focused in helping your partner to build a strong personality full of self-esteem. Problems will always appear in the way but you need to manage your life and also assist your partner to manage their life as well.

10. Discover dignity through the result

It is of great importance to invest in this objective – to build a better personal image for our partner – as this will help us to survive in the arena of life. Our dignity is proved by the result of our effort. Open your hands and offer love to your partner. By continuously turning to the failures of the past you are not helping to build a successful future. Negative thoughts make us feel like we have to assemble a high mountain and not a small hill.

Posted on Friday, October 10, 2008 :: 0 Comments :: :: Motivation, Self Improvement, Psychology

Self-esteem is a major factor for the success of a marriage. It is the reason of success or the cause of the disaster of a relationship.

Self esteem exercises are ways that can help you improve yours and your partner’s self esteem that will eventually lead to a successful relationship and marriage.

First, lets do a quick analysis of the word Self Esteem. The word self-esteem is complex and consists of the words: self + esteem, esteem being appreciation, in other words I appreciate and respect myself.

Self esteem is the basis of a healthy personality. Many times, because of poor upbringing in a family environment, a person can have a bad notion about his character and skills, to feel inadequate, incompetent and a loser.

In the context of marriage the self esteem of both people is very important. Each partner should care about how to improve the self esteem of the other person. Weapons against the low self-esteem of our partner are our love and our acceptance. Stressing how remarkable person he/she is and showing our respect and our confidence in them, we essentially build on a daily basis the family environment that is demolished inside him/her.

image by spclarke
Causes of Low self esteem in marriage

There are many indications, in the context of marriage that can help you understand if someone lacks self-esteem. The most common are:

The childhood of our partner was full of parental rejection and ignorance or even worse he/she was a victim of physical violence.
Our partner has a fear of opening himself to others and being himself, he is very ’sensitive’to others.
Our partner is easily discouraged.
Our partner has no self confidence especially when it comes to taking decisions.
Our partner hardly admits his/her mistakes, always has the need to be correct and it is very difficult to forgive others for their mistakes.
He/she likes to drive a lot.
Often accepts the criticism of others.
Our partner is a perfectionist.
Has a very strong self-criticism
He/she gets angry and upset very easily.
The first step to understand the reasons for having a low self esteem is to accept and recognize the fact that you have a low self esteem. Once you do this self-acceptance you will be able to find the reasons that lead to this situation.

As regards to marriage, there are a number of ‘laws’ that you can follow to make a marriage successful. These relate on what you can do to raise your partner’s self esteem so that he/she is confident and in position to help you raise your self esteem.

1. ‘Give’ in order to ‘Receive’

Contribution is one of the most important components of a successful marriage. Before expecting to ‘receive’ from your marriage you should be in a position to ‘give’.

2. Mutual understanding

If you understand your partner this will make him/her listen to you carefully. Your efforts and proposals will be accepted if you partner feels that you make the effort to understand his/hers views and believes.

3. Patience

Usually within marriage we are seeking immediate results. We want to see the change yesterday, or even better now! However, contrary to our wishes, positive changes need time to develop.

4. Sowing first and then harvesting

What do you sow in your partner and your marriage? Time, creativity, encouragement and understanding; or do you sow self-centredness, anger, hypocrisy, negligence and impatience?

Subscribe to our RSS Feed to get new articles delivered to you
10 self esteem exercises for a good marriage

Self esteem in a marriage is something that can be improved by systematic effort by the person itself and by the help and support of the significant other. Below there are 10 self esteem exercises that can be followed by a couple to improve each other’s self esteem and develop a more quality relationship between them.

1. The unconditional acceptance

The complete and unconditional acceptance is the most stable foundation to build the self-esteem. Without self estem, a marriage is left in the hands of our emotions that are a non-permanent element.

2. Forget the past

You need to adopt a positive and hopeful perspective against a background where your partner has proved inadequate. Do not always refer to the past and remind your partner for his/her failures. Forget the past and try to praise your partner’s skills and capabilities.

3. Be careful on what you say

It is unbelievable how much power is contained in the words we speak – what words we use and their effect on people of our environment. The words have the power either to destroy a healthy self-esteem and personality or to reverse the negative image that someone has for himself. In your mouth is”life”and”death”.

4. Be supportive in the difficult moments

Within the storms and problems of your marriage, instead of rejecting each other, it is better to build and support each other. Being supportive will not only raise your partner’s self esteem but it will also improve your self esteem because the feeling you get when you give is one of the factors that can make you feel better and make your self esteem better.

5. Free your partner from the feelings of failure.

Free your partner from the prison of “performance and results”, with the gold key that says “freedom from the fear of failure”. One of the most common reasons that may impact someone’s self esteem is the fear of failure. If you constantly criticise your partner about his/her failures then in the long run this will impact self esteem. Try to be supportive and do not always judge your partner based on its performance and results.

6. Say “thank you” more often

Paying attention to your partner and saying thank you shows your appreciation, love and commitment. It will not only make you feel good but it will also bring joy to your partner and feeling of happiness that can fight low self esteem.

7. Do the right think

The sincere praise for your partner’s choices helps to adopt a lifestyle with obedience to moral principles.

8. Help your partner to develop friendships.

When you urge your partner to make close friends you give others the opportunity to show their appreciation to your partner, and to your partner the opportunity to prove that he/she is very important.

9. Keep life under your control

You should not act spasmodically, with feelings of anger, impatience, neglect and self-centredness but you need to take decisions very seriously, being focused in helping your partner to build a strong personality full of self-esteem. Problems will always appear in the way but you need to manage your life and also assist your partner to manage their life as well.

10. Discover dignity through the result

It is of great importance to invest in this objective – to build a better personal image for our partner – as this will help us to survive in the arena of life. Our dignity is proved by the result of our effort. Open your hands and offer love to your partner. By continuously turning to the failures of the past you are not helping to build a successful future. Negative thoughts make us feel like we have to assemble a high mountain and not a small hill.

Sex and Marriage

Tuesday, February 10th, 2009

Overview:

Actual mating patterns may be different from the cultural ideal. For instance, in the more traditional regions of Spain, Portugal, and Latin America, men generally strive to be machos– that is, confident, strong, dignified, brave men. Machos should be overtly masculine and sexually active. They are expected to have a wife with many children and possibly one or more mistresses. Men are usually assumed to be adulterous by nature. Women, in contrast, are expected to be passive in responding to the demands of their husbands and to have sexual intercourse only with them and only when they are married. They are to emulate the Virgin Mary in being chaste. As a result, this female counterpart to machismo has been referred to as marianismo (from Maria or Mary).

Spanish ideals of machismo
and marianismo
In reality, both men and women deviate from these ideals. However, women are usually more often punished for it. Especially when there is a pregnancy outside of wedlock. Androgynous men may only suffer ridicule for their failure to achieve the difficult goals of machismo. This sort of double standard over sexual fidelity is common in male dominated cultures.

All societies have rules to regulate marriage partner selection. Even when individuals are left free to make their own choices, there are still rules that limit and narrow the range of potential marital partners. These rules can be explicit or implicit. In North America, the important social constraints are mostly implicit. Family and friends usually encourage marriage within the same social class, religion, and ethnic/racial group. Explicit rules are in the form of formal laws. Typically in North America, these only require that a mate be of the opposite gender, over the age of consent, willing, alive, and not a close family member.

single, independent women
in Europe

In small-scale societies, most people are expected to get married. Unmarried adults are usually pitied if they are women and distrusted if they are men. Cities in large-scale societies are more likely to provide an acceptable status for unmarried adults. Such societies are also likely to be somewhat more tolerant of deviant dress and uncommon life styles. For instance, the two young urban European women shown here have the freedom to remain unmarried as well as socially and financially independent.

Marriage in all societies involves acceptance of an agreement, either written or verbal. Most often, this includes four categories of privileges, rights, and obligations of the marrying couple:

1)
2)
3)
4)

agreeing to exclusive sexual access
having and caring for children
accepting a sexual division of labor
agreeing to extend kinship bonds to your spouse’s relatives

The right to have children is not the same as sexual access, though it may initially seem so. It means the right to socially recognized descendants. In many cultures, biological paternity is often less important than socially acknowledged paternity. In any case, the prolonged dependency of human children requires a long term agreement to share in their upbringing.

The acceptance of a division of labor based primarily on gender involves sharing the fruits of each other’s work. In most societies, this results in women performing the routine domestic household tasks such as cleaning and food preparation as well as child rearing. Men are usually responsible for the periodic household tasks requiring upper body strength and for work outside of the home. This traditional division of labor has been popularly interpreted in the Western World as exploitation of women. However, that may be a hasty conclusion. Likewise, it would be equally premature to see it as exploitation of men. In depth, objective studies of marriage and family life in other cultures often show that the reality is far more complex with mutual benefits derived by both men and women.

The agreement to an extension of kinship bonds is a right to have long term social ties with in-laws that can provide security against economic and social misfortune. In small-scale societies, marriage is usually the best means of securing and assuring alliances between unrelated families.

Limiting the Number of Births

Despite the common desire to have children, most societies try to limit or at least space births to allow those babies that are here to survive and have economic advantages. Common methods of preventing pregnancy even in small isolated societies with low levels of technology include:

1)
2)
3)
4)

not allowing adolescents to marry (especially boys)
using magic (ritual acts, protective jewelry, etc.)
practicing abortion (chemical or surgical)
adhering to a post partum sex taboo (prohibition against husbands
and wives having sexual intercourse for a period of time following the
birth of a child)

Mother and child
in New Guinea

Post partum sex taboos are surprisingly long in some societies. Among the Indians of the North American Plains husbands and wives traditionally were expected to abstain from sexual intercourse for up to four years after each birth. Among the Dani and some neighboring societies in New Guinea, the abstention was for five years.

North American couple

North American and European cultures also advocate post partum sex taboos “for the health of the mother.” Regardless of the rationale, however, the net effect is the same. Births are spaced farther apart. In societies with long post partum sex taboos, it is common for husbands to be relatively free to have sex with other women or men during the required period of marital sexual prohibition. This is not the case in Europe and North America today.

As a last resort, population may be controlled by infanticide (that is, killing young children). In the past, the Inuit , or Eskimo , of the North American polar regions were occasionally forced by winter starvation to kill the individual within the family who had the least potential for bringing in food. That was usually the youngest daughter. She died so that the others could live. The Inuit took no pleasure in killing their baby girls. They also were well aware that this selective female infanticide had long term negative effects in their society. It ultimately reduced the number of marriageable women, resulting in increased competition among men for mates. This has been suggested as a leading cause of relatively high murder rates for Inuit men in earlier times.

Infanticide in response to severe economic hardships has not been unique to the Inuit. However, no society considers it to be a desirable practice. It occurs where circumstances leave desperate parents with little alternative.

“Surplus” men lost in warfare
Female infanticide reportedly also has occurred in the People’s Republic of China in response to the official one child per family policy instituted in 1979 and to the high cultural value placed on male offspring. Many female fetuses allegedly have been selectively aborted and female newborn infants have been killed secretly or abandoned so that parents can have another chance at producing a male heir. The net effect of this for China now is a relative scarcity of marriageable women, which allows them to demand more from prospective husbands. Another consequence has been a high number of Chinese girl infants that are adopted by North Americans and people in other Western nations.

Warfare also can have a limiting effect on birth frequency. The removal of men in their breeding years from society can reduce the number of pregnancies, especially if monogamy is the rule and extramarital sexual intercourse is rare. Warfare also has the harsh effect of killing “surplus people.” However, it is doubtful that any society went to war with birth control and population reduction as an intended goal.

The Top 10 Reasons for Divorce

Tuesday, February 10th, 2009

The Top 10 Reasons for Divorce

Compiling accurate statistics on the most commonly cited causes of the breakdown of a marriage is virtually impossible, since different counties within the same state can place different requirements on couples, and use different reporting methodology. With such differences even within a single state, pulling accurate data from a group across several countries is next to impossible. However, many different research articles on reasons for divorce come up with the same main causes again and again. So, while we cannot provide accurate numerical data, it is possible to produce an unranked list of ten of the most common reasons for divorce:

Infidelity

It could be argued that infidelity within marriages is a reaction by a spouse to the real breakdown of the marriage, and is not itself the cause. Either way, it is cited as the cause for nearly a third of US divorces and is therefore the most common reason for divorce. Some surveys have shown that adultery occurs in over half of failed marriages. Spouses may be unfaithful consistently during an affair, intermittently, or just once in a one night stand. Common explanations for unfaithfulness include resentment or anger (with the other spouse), sexual boredom, and many of the other causes of marital failure.
Communication Breakdown

After having lived with a spouse for a number of years, it may become apparent that the couple becomes unable to communicate in a normal, meaningful fashion. Either spouse’s inability to avoid exchanges which invariably result in conflict is representative of a communication breakdown in the marriage. In extreme cases, especially if accompanied by abusive tendencies or other symptoms of dysfunction, a growing inability to deal with any verbal exchanges without conflict could be indicative of a much more serious problem that requires the attention of a mental health professional. More often, however, growing differences between the spouses which may have their roots in other mentioned causes are to blame for communication breakdowns.
Physical, Psychological, or Emotional Abuse

Where either spouse is frequently abusive towards children or each other, the other spouse has clear grounds for divorce. Physical abuse includes violence, fighting, manhandling, and physical bullying of an individual. Psychological and emotional abuse can be as seemingly innocuous as verbal insults, and can range to taunting, humiliation, intimidation, and consistent negative reinforcement.
Financial Issues

One of the most common reasons for divorce is economic strain or collapse of the family. Every couple has to deal with money at some stage, and when there is not enough to go around, differences in temperament and priorities are brought to a head. Even if there is no debt incurred, disagreements over the allocation of money and resources within the marriage and the home can often be enough to end an already irritated relationship.
Sexual Incompatibility

Biological research has shown that the average strength of the sex drive in men and women is most similar throughout life for couples aged about ten years apart. However, the majority of couples marry only a few years apart, and as such, once the couple approaches their 30s, the trend is for the strength of their respective sex drives to fall out of synchronization. If there are already marked differences of sexual taste and preferences, or any other problems in the bedroom, this incompatibility is further exacerbated.
Boredom

Biologically speaking, humans’ preference is to pair for about seven years before changing mates. While well matched couples will, naturally, stay together for much longer than this, and possibly for life, most do not. Some couples will eventually grow distant, disinterested, and eventually bored with each other. Such divorces are often the least bitter of all, and often end amiably enough.
Religious and Cultural Strains

Couples of mixed ethnicity, religion, or from significantly different cultures may find themselves being pressured by the expectations of their spouse, or their spouse’s culture to conform to the ideals of the other. This may include resentment at having to observe the dietary taboos of a culture, or more seriously, disputes over the spiritual development of any children. Most parents prefer that their children be the same religion as themselves, which immediately creates tension even in relatively happy multicultural marriages.
Child Rearing

Serious disputes over the appropriate upbringing of a child are often enough to provoke an application for a petition of divorce by a parent. Cases of neglect and abuse are especially pertinent here, however, simple disagreements over which choice of school to send the child, or incompetence in dealing with inappropriate behavior from children is also a common reason for divorce.
Addiction

An addiction is an acquired compulsion to repeatedly engage in an activity, to the point that it negatively affects other priorities. Addiction is therefore not a phenomenon limited to drugs alone. Anything you do compulsively that begins to encroach on your ability to function can probably be called an addiction. It is therefore possible to be addicted to food, gambling, drugs and alcohol, the Internet, games, and any of a host of other things. An addiction that can be shown to be causing harm is an acceptable reason for the granting of an at-fault divorce.
Differences in Priorities and Expectations

This is a fairly nebulous idea that describes situations where married couples have found marriage or their spouse to be so drastically different to how they expected at marriage that they wish the marriage to end. It can also describe marriages where one spouse undergoes a sudden change in life priorities. Deaths in the family, other marital strains, severe medical trauma, or mid-life crises are often the cause of such divorces.

Family Policies that Work: An International Perspective**

Friday, February 6th, 2009

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Family Policies that Work: An International Perspective**
By by Kevin Andrews*
* Kevin Andrews is a member of The Australian Parliament and Chairman of its House of Representatives Committee on Legal and Constitutional Affairs. **From The World Congress of Families II
In order to comment on family policies that work, it is useful briefly to retrace the major demographic and social trends affecting families in the developed world. The trends fall into three broad categories.

1. A breakdown of marriage and family

There are a number of discernible trends relating to families in Western nations in recent decades:

The marriage rate has dropped;

The average age at marriage has risen;

The divorce rate has risen dramatically;

The remarriage rate has fallen;

The out-of-wedlock birth rate has risen;

The proportion of single-parent families has climbed markedly.

These changes are having a profound impact upon families.

First, rising rates of divorce and unwed childbearing mean the steady disintegration of the married, mother-father child-raising unit;

Second, families have increasingly lost the ability to carry out their primary social functions: maintaining the population levels, regulating sexual behavior, socializing children, and caring for family members;

Third, influence and authority has been transferred from families to other institutions such as schools, peer groups, the media, and the State;

Fourth, family units have grown smaller and less stable; and

Fifth, familism has declined as a cultural value in relationship to other values such as personal autonomy and egalitarianism.

Taken together, these data reveal a steady displacement of a marriage culture with a culture of divorce and single parenthood.

If these developments were associated with an improving lifestyle for our children, they might be applauded. Generally, our GDP, our health, and our educational levels have risen, but consider the evidence of what is happening:

Youth suicide has increased markedly;

Reports of child abuse rise each year;

Alcohol and drug abuse among teenagers has risen markedly;

Violence has risen;

Levels of welfare dependency are much higher than two or three decades ago; and

Single-parent families, even with government benefits, continue to be amongst the poorest groups in the community.

As Professor Linda Waite from the University of Chicago and others have shown, stable marriage is not only the healthiest environment for adults, it is the optimal place for raising children. The evidence of the adverse impact of divorce on children continues to mount. The failure of marriage and the breakdown of family structures is hurting many of our children deeply and dreadfully.

This observation should not be seen as an attempt to belittle the efforts of many single parents, often against difficult odds, who are successfully raising their children and who deserve our support; nor should it be interpreted as a refusal to recognize that some married couples are failing the task. Nor should it be taken as a call for a return to marriage forms of earlier years. To the contrary, marriage and family life require a balance of values. The enhancement of family life for the welfare of children involves the balancing of rights and obligations: between men and women; parents and children; individuals and the community; the present and future generations. In the past the balance was not always right. There was often an overemphasis on women’s obligations–to husbands, to children, and to the community–at the expense of individual development. But today, the goal of balance is often replaced by the contemporary libertarian rejection of all obligation in the name of individual freedom.

2. Aging societies

Aging populations have a major impact on nations. By the year 2020, many nations will face a major challenge in providing for an aged population. According to the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development (OECD), the ratio of older people to those in the workforce in 1990 was 19 percent. By the year 2030, this dependency ratio will double to 38 percent across the OECD. In Germany, it is expected to soar to 49.2 percent, in Italy 48.3 percent, France 39.1 percent, Austria 44 percent, Belgium 41.1 percent, USA 36.8 percent, and Australia 33 percent.

In countries like Australia and the United States, there has been a continuing shift over the past three decades of government resources from couples with children to older people. This shift in the allocation of resources continues apace. On current trends for both nations, some 40 percent of the population will require long-term care at some stage of their lives. In Germany, for example, the proportion of the population in the working-age group of 26-59 is only 36.5 percent, while the proportion aged 60 and over is 35.8 percent. Demographers predict that the aged will increase to 43.9 percent of the population by 2010, and 67.2 percent by 2050.

This aging of the population will have a considerable impact on our nations. Not only will health-care costs increase. The need for retirement income and other benefits will fall upon a decreasing proportion of the population.

3. A population implosion

For the past three decades a number of exponents of apocalyptic perspectives have suggested that the world faces a population explosion. Their thesis has been that the human race is breeding itself to a point of unsustainability. But as Nicholas Eberstat has observed:

The modern population explosion was sparked not because people suddenly started breeding like rabbits, but rather because they finally stopped dying like flies…it wasn’t that fertility rates soared; rather, mortality rates plummeted. Since the start of our century, the average life expectancy at birth for a human being has probably doubled; it may have more than doubled.

In fact, the Western world is probably facing a population implosion. The Economist magazine recently summarized the trends:

In 50 or 100 years’ time, however, most countries are more likely to worry about the lack of babies than the excess. For there is now a serious possibility…that world population growth will stabilize by around 2040 at about 7.5 billion and then start to decline….Repeatedly, the UN’s demographers have revised down their population projections….[T]he number of babies born into the world will fall below the number needed for replacement….[W]ith fertility rates in rapid decline, the debate about the global birth rate is now over when, not whether, it will fall below replacement level.

The U.N. Population Division recently estimated that 44 percent of the world’s people live in nations where the fertility rate has already fallen below the replacement rate. For the population to remain stable, women must have an average of 2.1 babies each. In 61 countries, there are insufficient births to replace the population. To take just a few examples: In the U.S., women are having just 2 children; in the U.K., just 1.7; in Japan, 1.4; in Italy, 1.2; in Spain, just 1.15.

In a recent study of global fertility rates, the Australian demographer Peter McDonald concluded that if the current levels of fertility were maintained in many Western nations, they would threaten the future existence of the nations concerned:

In an era in which we have come to understand the momentum of population increase, it is remarkable that we are yet to appreciate that the same momentum applies to population decrease.

With increasing numbers of parents having only one child, many people in the future will live in families where intergenerational ties are greatly loosened. For example, if an only child marries an only child, their child will have no aunts, uncles, or cousins. This is a realistic scenario for many families in the new millennium.

Although the effects of declining birth rates may not have an immediate impact on our societies, marriage breakdown, an aging population, and declining fertility combine to produce an environment inherently more unstable and antithetical to healthy family life.

While full employment is likely to return in nations currently suffering high levels of unemployment, many people who live longer will do so in circumstances of isolation and loneliness. Extended families will virtually disappear.

Demographic patterns are not easily reversed. Even if nations introduced policies today to address these trends, it would likely take two generations for an impact to be observed.

Moreover, popular ideas and current lifestyle choices mitigate against the acceptance of appropriate policy responses. Having experienced their parents’ divorces, the movement of governmental support from families with children to the elderly, high levels of unemployment, the need to have two incomes to achieve what their parent’s regarded as a reasonable standard of living, and facing what they perceive as an uncertain future, many young people are postponing or avoiding marriage and delaying children.

Family policies that work

In order, therefore, to decide what national family policies work, it is necessary to have clear objectives, of which, I believe, there are two:

First, there is a need to strengthen marriage and reduce the incidence of family breakdown; and

Secondly, there is a need to offset the combined impact of an aging population and declining birth rates.

Family policies will only work if they have a realistic chance of meeting these two objectives in the medium to long term.

The need for an integrated strategy has been recognized by others. The National Commission on America’s Urban Families identified three prevailing national responses to the trend of family fragmentation, namely: deny the problem; treat the symptoms; and change the economy. The Commission stated that “each of these approaches are championed by serious, sincere people. Each contains elements of truth and insight.” But it found these responses, both individually and as a group, to be fundamentally inadequate because “they do not contain the realistic possibility of halting or reversing the personal and societal problems that stem from the trend of family fragmentation.”

Let me outline a framework of what I believe is an appropriate policy response. In order to bring about a cultural change, there are at least four areas that should be addressed. Where appropriate, I will illustrate these elements by reference to policies adopted in various nations.

Explicit family policies

First, we must have the explicit recognition of family policy. Despite political rhetoric about families, few nations have a national family policy. Families are treated as welfare recipients, or as senior citizens, or as defense force personnel, or as public housing occupants, or as taxpayers–but not as families. Even where programs have an impact upon the family, its members are compartmentalized by age: infancy, childhood, youth, and the elderly.

The failure of family policies to emerge as a distinct issue reflects the failure to agree on a common definition of “family.” But as the veteran U.S. Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan remarked:

A nation without a conscious family policy leaves to chance and mischance an area of social reality of the utmost importance, which in consequence will be exposed to the untrammelled and frequently thoroughly undesirable impact of policies arising in other areas.

The first step to treating families seriously is for governments to adopt specific family policies. Surveys repeatedly indicate that family life is a popular aspiration for people. In Australia, as many as 90 percent of young people say that they wish to marry, and up to 70 percent of people report that their greatest satisfaction comes from their family. A majority of the younger generation who have grown up with the reality of divorce in their lives aspire to marriage as a lifelong commitment.

Even if the fundamental philosophical position that democracy is based upon healthy families is not accepted, the human and economic consequences of family fragmentation require government to frame an effective strategy for securing social stability and cohesion. As my Parliamentary Committee found, the cost of marriage breakdown in Australia, with a population of 19 million people, is between $3 and $6 billion a year.

The Irish Commission on the Family stated:

The foundations of family policy, the principles and objectives which underlie and guide it need to be set out clearly. What the State is trying to achieve for and with families–the strategic dimension of family policy–should be clarified and made explicit.

The Commission found that there is a need to strengthen the institutional framework of family policy so that the various manifestations of family policy acquire a greater degree of coherence and rationality. It proposed a series of principles, the first of which is the “recognition that the family unit is a fundamental unit providing stability and well-being in our society.”

The decision by the Australian government to create a new Department of Family and Community Services, replacing the Department of Social Security and bringing together a range of government programs dealing with families, is an illustration of a rational approach to families. The development of a National Families Strategy, in response to my committee’s 1998 report to Parliament, is a reflection of this first response. A further development could involve the introduction of a Family Policy Grid for all departments, as pioneered in the Canadian province of Alberta. There, all government departments and agencies are required to consider the impact of their policies and programs on families in the planning and implementation of all initiatives.

The explicit adoption of family policies encourages governments to confront two cultural forces which have undermined families and communities, namely, the lessening of family autonomy, especially through state programs; and the weakening of family through the growth of unrestrained individualism.

Recognition of family in economic policies

The second element in an effective national family policy is economic and involves a recognition of the advantages to individuals and society of lifelong marriages, of the desirability of higher fertility rates in the Western world, and of the real sacrifices entailed raising children.

It is also an important recognition that two economies exist within nations: the market economy, in which exchanges take place through money and in which competition and efficiency drive decisions; and the home economy, in which exchanges take place through the altruistic sharing of goods and services among family members. As Allan Carlson and David Blankenhorn have written:

It is precisely the home economy–acts of unpaid production ranging from parental childcare and nursing of the sick and the elderly to gardening, home carpentry, and food preparation–that is the organizing principle of family life and the basis of civil society. Every marriage creates a new home economy. These little economies are largely undetected in our measurement of the gross national product, just as they are usually beyond the reach of tax collectors. But they are vitally important. If they thrive, the well-being of children and society as a whole improves.

In many nations such as the United States and Australia, there has been a massive intergenerational subsidy to those people who raised their families in the 1950’s and 60’s. That is, government programs and benefits favored the earlier generation when they were raising their families and today favors them in their old age. In contrast, there is little net assistance to families with children today.

In the past three years, we have begun to reverse some of these trends in Australia by raising the tax-free threshold–that is, the level of income before tax is paid–for families with children, especially for families with one parent at home.

The Australian Government’s Family Tax Initiative increased the tax-free threshold by $1000 for each dependent child up to the age of 16 and each dependent secondary student up to 18 years. In addition, single-income families (including single parent families) receive a further $2,500 increase in their tax-free threshold if they have a child under five. For a single-income family with three children, one of whom is under five years, the tax-free threshold has almost been doubled.

The taxation-reform package passed by the Parliament this year builds on these initiatives. Besides reducing personal income taxes and increasing and simplifying family benefits, the Family Tax Initiative doubles the tax-free threshold. Beginning July 1, 2000, all single-income families, including single-parent families with one child under five years, will have an effective tax-free threshold of $13,000, more than double the new general threshold of $6,000. This is a modest recognition of the positive social contribution that parents make in choosing to stay at home with young children.

Similarly, the policy of the Norwegian Government to pay parents the same amount that childcare centers or kindergartens receive in state subsidies–approximately $6,000 per year per child–gives parents a choice about staying at home with children up to the age of three years.

Further initiatives are necessary to address the competing pressures between family and work in our modern societies. As Janne Haaland Matlary, the Norwegian Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs, has written: “In order to strengthen families and have a sustainable population, there is a need for policies that give parents flexibility, time, and an ability to combine child-rearing and careers. At a time when women are as well, or better, educated than men, it is completely unrealistic to expect them to stay at home in longer periods of their lives.”

Interestingly, fertility rates in Scandinavia have increased in recent years and are now the highest in Europe. According to Dr. Matlary, there are two important economic policies behind this trend. The first is the child cash support referred to earlier. The second is the generous paid maternity leave available in Scandinavia. In Norway, for example, a new mother is legally entitled to 42 weeks of leave at full pay or 52 weeks of leave at 80 percent of pay. Unpaid leave, with a legal guarantee of her job back when the leave is completed, is available for up to three years. Paid leave for new fathers, usually totalling about six weeks, is also strongly encouraged and, in some circumstances, mandatory. Dr Matlary notes:

The maternity leave has to be a paid one, it has to entail a job guarantee, and it has to be long enough so that the mother can avoid the stress of ‘double’ work as long as she breast-feeds, ideally up to nine months. It is beyond all doubt that breast-feeding is very important to the child, and also to the bonding between mother and child.

More than 90 percent of Scandinavian mothers breast-feed their infants for approximately nine months.

Two further factors are pertinent to the issue of work and family. First, although some studies suggest that higher rates of divorce are a result of increased labor force participation by women, there is considerable research evidence to suggest that women are more inclined to remain in the labor force because of high rates of divorce. That is, because many women are concerned, rightly, that their economic security is at stake should their marriage end in divorce, many more of them hold onto their jobs. If this is true, policies aimed at supporting marriage and increasing fertility need to take account of women’s concerns about economic security.

Secondly, there is powerful new evidence from neuroscience that the early years of development from conception to age six, particularly the first three years, set the base for competence and coping skills that will affect learning, behavior, and health throughout life. As Professor Fraser Mustard wrote in a major report for the Ontario government:

The evidence is clear that good early childhood development programs that involve parents or other primary caregivers of young children can influence how they relate to and care for children in the home, and can vastly improve outcomes for children’s behavior, learning, and health in later life.

The Early Years report identified parenting as a key factor in early child development for families at all socioeconomic levels. “Supportive initiatives for parents should begin as early as possible–from the time of conception–with programs of parent support and education.” These findings reinforce the need for policies that encourage a better balance between work and parenting, particularly when children are in the early years of life.

Social policy

The third element in a national family policy is in the realm of social policy, particularly supporting marriage.

Beginning with California in 1969, most states and nations adopted unilateral, no-fault divorce laws. Although the importance of family was stressed in most debates about changes to divorce laws, the divorce of the parties remained the operational basis of such legislation everywhere. Under previous legal regimes, the concept of fault determined the outcome of the divorce application. In cultural terms, partners who walked away from a marriage, or caused their spouse to leave, risked the consequence of societal opprobrium. The introduction of unilateral, no-fault divorce changed this cultural norm, allowing partners to leave a marriage on the premise that a short period of separation constituted the irretrievable breakdown of the relationship. Hence society rightly concludes today that spouses can leave a marriage at will. As the former U.S. Domestic Policy Adviser Professor William Galston has noted, the “divorce epidemic did not just happen. The legal codes…aided and abetted it through the institution of no-fault divorce.”

Galston suggested that two cultural changes were damaging families: the culture of rights without responsibilities and the ethos of instant gratification. These cultural shifts are reflected in attitudes fostered by no-fault divorce. Marriage is often perceived as a right, including the right to leave it, without corresponding duties. Conversely, obligations such as the sharing of property can be imposed by a court, contrary to any previous understanding of the parties.

Recent developments in some countries involve a rebalancing of rights and responsibilities. First, many jurisdictions have imposed child-support obligations on parents. Second, there has been the increasing legal recognition of nuptial agreements between parties. Third, alternative covenant marriages have been legislated in several states of the USA, beginning with Louisiana. Fourth, there is a growing marriage movement, especially in the U.S. Fifth, government attention in nations like Australia, the United Kingdom, and Ireland is being focussed once again on marriage. Taken together, these initiatives represent welcome developments in support of marriage and family.

A further aspect of social policy is the reform of welfare policies. In many nations, expenditure on welfare has grown enormously over the past three decades, often to very high levels. A consequence is that many families are dependent upon the State for their very economic survival. This in turn lessens family autonomy and contributes to a culture which is antithetical to the general well-being of children and society. A challenge for governments is to identify the barriers to family autonomy, especially through access to the labor force.

The fourth factor in a complete national family policy is cultural, in particular the portrayal of marriage and family life by Hollywood and in the media. Although I cannot develop this point here, few would doubt that the popular media often celebrate hedonistic individualism and a lifestyle that is antithetical to the commitment required for healthy, sustainable marriages in which children can be successfully raised.

Conclusion

While we read from time to time sensational reports that marriage and family life is fast disappearing, a lifelong commitment to family remains a popular aspiration, even amongst our young people.

Marriage and family life remain the optimal conditions for the socialization and education of children’s character and values, without which liberal democracy cannot properly flourish. For these reasons, we cannot ignore the trends affecting families today.

Just as economic reform has been the major policy challenge of the 1980’s and 90’s in many nations, how we address family issues will be a central concern of the next decade. The tragedy of marriage and family breakdown is not just the millions of dollars it costs each year: It is the personal and emotional trauma which research increasingly indicates affects many children, even into their adulthood, and the consequent diminution of health, educational opportunities, and well-being, including the stability of relationships of children whose parents divorced.

Policymakers and public officials in many parts of the world are beginning to recognize again the social, cultural, and economic importance of lifelong marriages and healthy families. I hope I have been able to outline an integrated national framework of effective family policies. More, however, needs to be done to spread these policy ideas throughout the world.

Our choice is clear. We can throw up our hands in despair, unwilling or unable to propose a solution to family breakdown and falling fertility rates, with all the social consequences that follow; or we can take a positive step forward, committed to the aspiration so many people share, in the hope that with practical support and encouragement, we can continue to build strong nations based on a healthy society with its foundation of stable family life.

Similar questions with symptoms, nervous, breakdown, vary in marriage break down

Friday, February 6th, 2009

Similar questions with symptoms, nervous, breakdown, vary

Q: What are the symptoms of a “nervous breakdown”? How can you tell if you are having one? Do the symptoms vary with each
individual? What are the causes of a “nervous breakdown”? Is there a ‘definitive’ length of time they last? If so, how long? Other than go to a ’shrink’ or a ‘M.D.’ for ‘med’s’, what can a person do if suffering from this to get over…… (5 answers – asked 15 months ago)
A: **Whoa–that’s Many Questions**
**I’ll try and answer them one by one–then give commentary.

I’ll begin by saying that ’nervous breakdown’ is not a medical or psychological term. It is a lay person’s term for what they are experiencing. It’s much like when someone says, “My back ’went-out.’ ” “Went-Out” is not a medical term, and often it is the words lay-folks use when their back is painful and they can no longer bend down. The cause of their problem could be anything from muscle-stain to ruptured disk–and needs a doctor to investigate and find the cause.

**What are the causes of a ’nervous breakdown’?
I would assume these words could be applied to any number of mental-discomfort. From situational anxiety and depression to more pronounced phobia and clinical depression. In my experience it is the person not accepting some circumstance in their life–and maybe trying to live with whatever it is…thereby ignoring their feelings.

Is there a definitive length of time they last?
No, that again depends upon the cause–the ’break-down’ is a symptom. Mentally feeling poorly could stem from a particular situation [i.e. I just found out my 14 year old is pregnant] where by the ’break-down’ may end when the situation is dealt with in a satisfactory manner. or it could be a chemical imbalance that could be treated and relieved with drugs. These are only two examples–there are many and that is why a psychologist or psychiatrist is needed.

“Other than go to a ’shrink’ or a ‘M.D.’ for ‘med’s’, what can a person do if suffering from this to get over it?”
That again depends upon the severity and the cause. A person could try other things first, I guess…like self-help books, proper diet and exercise, hiring a life coach, instead…It’s hard to say without knowing more. If the person is in deep distress then why wouldn’t they seek professional help?

Is there a difference between a “nervous breakdown” and “being depressed” (the later I mean enough to be on medication)?
As explained above, there are many differences between the lay-term and the psychological terms. Sometimes having a ‘mental breakdown’ and seeking help can be a blessing.

“Has anyone had a ‘breakdown’ in the past and if so willing to share your ordeal and recovery from it? Or had a friend that had one?”
I recently had a friend who was trapped in an unhappy marriage–one where the husband had ‘friends’ on the side–who he constantly sought out instead of his wife. She tried to conform to this situation for over a year–making herself sicker with each try. Finally, she broke and went into a mental-care facility for a week. That helped her not only get some meds to help her think straighter. It made her realize she could continue in this situation and continue to feel badly or SHE COULD CHOOSE HEALTH. She chose health and today she is blooming–even while going through a divorce.

I have seen a psychologist off and on for years. When I was younger I was unhappy because of my upbringing…therapy helped guide me. Today, I just go for ’situations’ that come up. It helps even today.
I also took seminars from life coach Rhonda Britton [TV Show Starting Over] with her Fearless Living Institute. This helped me immensely…to set boundaries, be present and live my bliss.

“I would really like to know how a doctor defines what a ‘nervous breakdown’ is and do they ‘diagnos’ this as an ailment these days? What are their solutions to get past it other than drugs or therapy, anything???”
This would be the doctor’s call–you’d have to ask him. Most times drugs are given to get you through THIS period of stress and not long term==unless you have a long term psychological illness like, say, Bi-polar Disease. Recently Sinead O’Connor [singer] was on Oprah saying how much meds had helped her with this disease–it is helping her cope now. Be okay now and giving her the strength to work on her stuff from the past.

“Which are more prone to having one==men or women? Can it happen at any age in a persons lifetime? If not, what age?”
I’d say women are more apt to say they experience this and to seek help. I cannot say which sex is more prone. It can happen at any age.

I invite whoever this is to honor themselves and get some help.

Stress: Watch for These Physical Symptoms

Friday, February 6th, 2009

Stress: Watch for These Physical Symptoms
I’ve long known that my stress level is reflected in my skin. Oftentimes, after I start wondering whether some new pimples on my face are being caused by a hormonal glitch or maybe some new cosmetic, I’ll remember to pause and consider how my life’s been going.

That’s when I realize that — thanks to a maddening combination of fatigue and insomnia that makes working and parenting extra challenging — stress is what is really causing my pimples. I doubt that I’m the only one who tunes into the physical signs that stress is upsetting my body.

In fact, this past weekend, I was on call for my physician group and received 2 remarkably similar calls, both of which I’ll bet were related to the stress of anticipating a new school year.

Both of these callers have already been diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome, yet both complained that they had more severe, cramping, abdominal pain than at any time before. After running a bunch of questions by each caller, I speculated that nothing too serious was going on (except for their misery!), apart from a physical symptom caused by the stress they were internally enduring.

These phone calls made me wonder how many other women out there are suffering from serious physical symptoms, never suspecting that their state of mind and lifestyle could be contributing to their ordeals.

And if it’s a challenge for the sufferer to notice and admit that stress could be causing some tormenting physical symptom — just imagine how much more difficult it is for many doctors to acknowledge this mind-body connection.

A doctor making a diagnosis is obligated to consider all disease possibilities, especially the scariest and most life- or health-threatening. Only after all appropriate tests and evaluations have failed to turn up a medical cause can the physician resort to a diagnosis of idiopathic symptoms — those that cannot be attributed to any known physical cause. Only then can the symptoms be chalked up to stress or to some other mental manifestation.

The most common disorders caused by stress in our bodies include:

mood disorders (like anxiety and depression)
abdominal pain
headaches
muscular aches
fatigue
Other symptoms sometimes triggered by stress include

palpitations
elevated blood pressure
the repeated return of illnesses like yeast infections or head colds
Sure, there are a number of medical conditions that may contribute to all the symptoms listed above, and of course your doctor will work hard to evaluate those physical possibilities when you go to clinic, but the burden of showing that stressors are exacerbating your disorder will likely fall on your shoulders.

When should you start considering that stress may be a possible cause of disease?

When you have multiple physical symptoms that cannot be attributed to a common ailment
When you note that these symptoms improve during times when you are relaxed, e.g., early in a vacation.
When you are feeling anxious about or discontented with one or more aspects of your life-work, home, school, and so on.
Next, how do you nail down an association between stress and your symptoms?

Keep a diary, preferably a calendar-type diary, to mark when symptoms occur.
Monitor their frequency and note whenever the symptoms correlate with life events.
Note the severity of symptoms by using a scale of 0-10, with 0 being no symptom present and 10 being the most severe you can imagine.
Your doctor can review this diary with you and help you see connections between events, or else can point you to other factors to look out for. Once you make connections between stressful events in your life and some of the symptoms you are experiencing, you can then work to reduce your stress or consider using techniques like biofeedback to minimize its impact on your physical well-being.

How to Save a Broken Marriage

Friday, February 6th, 2009

How to Save a Broken Marriage
By Abraham Lee

No one enters into marriage expecting a divorce. However we do not live in an ideal world. Breakdowns in marriages are real. The best way to deal with a broken marriage is to pre-empt it because once a marriage is broken it is very difficult to restore. Since prevention is better than cure, it’s important that you recognize symptoms of possible marriage breakdown.

Symptoms of Marriage Breakdown

A marriage is on the way to becoming broken when one or a combination of these things happen:

1. There is very little communication between you and your partner other than formal communication.

2. You disagree more than agree on most matters whether or not it leads to arguments.

3. There are too many arguments with or without physical abuse.

4. You and your partner have very few things in common other than things pertaining to your children.

5. You don’t love your partner anymore; you only ‘like’ him or her.

6. You allow a third party person to speak your love language to you more than your partner does. That person is able to make you feel good better than your partner can or does.

7. One or both partners love someone else more than the other and spend more time with that third party than at home. You feel more emotionally attached to that person than to your partner.

8. You hardly do the things that you both enjoyed anymore. And even when you do, it does not bring the same enjoyment as it once did.

9. You increasingly prefer to be apart from your partner than together with one another. You don’t enjoy each other’s company the way you did before.

10. You are just going through the motions (usually only for the sake of the children). You don’t look forward to anything in your marriage relationship. Nothing excites you about the relationship anymore.

11. You are not happy and do not feel fulfilled in your marriage relationship.

12. You focus on the flaws of your partner more than his or her good attributes and become increasingly disgruntled with it

Steps to Save a Broken Marriage

Although the list looks tragic, I believe that even when your marriage shows these symptoms, it is still possible to save it. How?

Firstly, change yourself. This has to come first. Anything that goes wrong in a marriage is often the result of neglect or wrong-doing on the part of BOTH partners, and that includes you. Wrong attitudes of self-centeredness, impatience, stubbornness, bossiness, jealousy, pride, bigotry, short-temperedness, untruthfulness etc. are attitudes that need to be changed. Do not look at the flaw(s) in your partner but ignore your own. Sincerely ask your partner what areas of attitude, behavior and lifestyle he or she would like you to change. Humble yourself and listen to your partner with an open mind. Do not think about what your partner should do or the changes he or she should make. Focus on changing yourself first. If you need help in changing yourself, seek help from close friends and from your partner. Be accountable to a small group of trusted friends if need be. Here’s the second step.

Adopt positive attitudes towards your partner and family. Your positive attitudes will rub off on your partner and children. Love, commitment, faithfulness, compromise (give and take), gratitude, patience, optimism etc. are noble attitudes to adopt and cultivate. Once your partner and children see the changes in your attitudes and actions, they will start to change, too.

Thirdly, talk to your partner. Listen to his or her feelings, dissatisfactions, complaints, hurts, resentments, regrets, misgivings, qualms etc. Do not become defensive or blame-shift. Accept responsibility over your contribution towards the rift. Remember, focus on yourself first. Discuss ways of resolving or coming to a compromise. Put these steps into action. If necessary, be accountable to another trusted couple by asking them to keep tabs on your progress. However, when you talk, do not focus on the negatives only. Instead, tell one another how to make each other happy. You each have your own love language through which you give & receive love. Tell your partner how to speak your love language back to you. Make conscious efforts to make each other feel good.

Fourthly, take steps to rebuild the joys and passion of your relationship. Do things, go places, re-enact situations or re-live moments that used to bring you joy and laughter. Look back at old photos, videos or any paraphernalia that bring back fond memories. Laugh over past occasions. Take time to be alone with your partner. Ask some close friends to mind the children.

Fifthly, if there has been a third party involved (whether an affair has or has not started), radical steps must be taken to sever the relationship. Do so immediately. Do not gradually taper down or wind down the relationship. Take measures to immediately cut off all communication and ties with the third party. Ask close friends of the same sex as the third party to come between you and him or her. But you can do this only when both of you are willing and agreeable.

However, if your partner is not willing to sever the relationship with the third party, it is more difficult to solve but not impossible. In such a case, the first thing to do is to make a firm commitment to yourself to treat yourself well no matter what your partner does. Do not become depressed, feel helpless, be filled with self-pity or lose control of yourself. That will not do you any good. And here’s another crucial thing to do.

Do not condemn your wayward partner. The best approach would be to win back his or her affections. Your erring partner has allowed his affections to wander off to another person so do whatever it takes to win your lost lover’s heart back. The objective is to cause him or her to break the relationship willingly. Opposing or accusing the third party often does not work. On the contrary, it might backfire and make your partner become more defensive. Also do not start an affair of your own. Two wrongs do not make one right. Thus take the positive approach. Start building a fresh relationship with your partner rather than focus on the problems. Try new things together even if you don’t feel like it. Be excited, passionate, enthusiastic and positive. Act the way you want to feel and the feelings will eventually follow.

Conclusion

Saving a broken marriage takes courage, commitment, patience and determination. But with God’s help and your fervent efforts, it IS possible to rebuild what has been broken in your marriage and see it becoming even better than before.

Discover the steps anyone can take to save your marriage in TWO FREE reports, “Practical Tips on Improving Your Marriage” and “Above Life’s Turmoil”. Visit http://www.savemarriagestoday.com These reports contain time-tested and proven ways to enhance your relationship with your partner.

Predictable Patterns of Marriage Breakdown

Friday, February 6th, 2009

Predictable Patterns of Marriage Breakdown
Mark Dombeck, Ph.D.

Predictable patterns of marriage breakdown
There is no single reason why a relationship begins to break down. However, once a relationship does start to break down, there is a predictable sequence of events that tends to occur. Highly regarded psychologist and researcher John Gottman, Ph.D. suggests that there are four stages to this sequence which he has labeled, “The Four Horsemen Of the Apocalypse”.

The first stage of the breakdown process involves intractable conflict and complaints. All couples have conflicts from time to time, but some couples are able to resolve those conflicts successfully or ‘agree to disagree’, while others find that they are not. As we observed earlier, it is not the number or intensity of arguments that is problematic but rather whether or not resolution of those arguments is likely or possible. Couples that get into trouble find themselves in conflicts that they cannot resolve or compromise upon to both party’s satisfaction. Such disagreements can be caused by any number of reasons, but might involve a clash of spousal values on core topics such as whether to have children, or how to handle money.

Frequently, couples assume that misunderstandings are at the root of their conflicts. “If my spouse really understood why I act as I do, he or she would agree with me and go along with what I want”, is a commonly overheard refrain. Acting on this belief, spouses often try to resolve their conflicts by repeatedly stating and restating their respective rationals during disagreements. This strategy of repetition usually doesn’t work because most of the time couple conflicts are not based on misunderstandings, but rather on real differences in values. When this is the case, stating and restating one’s position is based on a mistaken premise and can only cause further upset.

In the second stage of the breakdown process, one or both spouses starts to feel contempt for the other, and each spouse’s attitudes about their partner change for the worse. For example, initially each spouse may have mostly positive regard for their partner and be willing to write off any ‘bad’ or ’stupid’ behavior their partner acts out as a transient, uncommon stress-related event. However, as ‘bad’ or ’stupid’ behavior is observed again and again, spouses get frustrated, start to regard their partner as actually being a ‘bad’ or ’stupid’ person, and begin to treat their partner accordingly. Importantly, the ‘bad’ behavior that the spouse demonstrates doesn’t have to be something he or she actually does. Instead, it could be something that he or she doesn’t do, that the spouse expects them to do (such as rembering to put the toilet seat down after use).

Conflict by itself doesn’t predict marriage problems. Some couples fight a lot but somehow never manage to lose respect for each other. Once contempt sets in, however, the marriage is on shaky ground. Feelings of contempt for one’s spouse are a powerful predictor of relationship breakdown, no matter how subtlety they are displayed. In a famous study, Gottman was able to predict with over 80% accuracy the future divorces of multiple couples he and his team observed based on subtle body language cues suggesting contemptuous feelings (such as dismissive eye-rolling). Contempt doesn’t have to be expressed openly for it to be hard at work rotting the foundations of one’s relationship.

Most people find conflict and contempt to be stressful and react to such conditions by entering the third stage of breakdown, characterized by partner’s increasingly defensive behavior. Men in particular (but women too) become hardened by the chronicity of the ongoing conflict, and may react even more acutely during moments when conflict is most heated by becoming overwhelmed and “flooded”; a condition which is psychologically and emotionally quite painful. Over time, partners learn to expect that they are ‘gridlocked’; that they cannot resolve their differences, and that any attempts at resolution will result in further overwhelm, hurt or disappointment. Rather than face the pain and overwhelm they expect to experience, partners who have reached this third ‘defensive’ stage, may progress to the forth and final stage of breakdown, characterized by a breakdown of basic trust between the partners, and increasing disengagement in the name of self-protection. Like a steam-valve in a pressure cooker, the partners start avoiding one another so as to minimize their conflicts. Gottman calls this final stage, “Stonewalling”, perhaps after the image of a partner hiding behind a stone wall designed to protect him or her from further assault. Unfortunately, there is no way to love your partner when you are hiding behind a wall to protect yourself from him or her.

The “four horsemen” breakdown sequence plays out amongst the backdrop of partner compatibility. Basically compatible partners may demonstrate a whole lot of conflict, but they don’t often become contemptuous and angry with their partners, because there are by definition few things that they will disagree upon. In contrast, partners who start out with incompatible goals, values or dreams are far more likely to get into seemingly irresolvable conflicts. Also, once the process of contempt, defensiveness and avoidance begins, small incompatibilities can become magnified as spouses pursue other interests as an alternative to conflict.

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