When Sex Leaves the Marriage
By TARA PARKER-POPE

Is your relationship still filled with sparks? (Lauren Fleischman for The New York Times)
Why do some couples sizzle while others fizzle? Social scientists are studying no-sex marriages for clues about what can go wrong in relationships.

Married men and women, on average, have sex with their spouse 58 times a year, a little more than once a week, according to data collected from the General Social Survey, which has tracked the social behaviors of Americans since 1972. But there are wide variations in that number. Married people under 30 have sex about 111 times a year. And it’s estimated that about 15 percent of married couples have not had sex with their spouse in the last six months to one year, according to Denise A. Donnelly, associate professor of sociology at Georgia State University, who has studied sexless marriage.

I recently spoke with Professor Donnelly about how much researchers really understand about no-sex marriages. Here’s our conversation.

Is there any indication that the sexless marriage is becoming more common? Or are we just hearing about it more?

I suspect that we just hear more about it. Back in the days before reliable birth control, having a sexless marriage was one way of limiting family size. Those were also the days when women were not supposed to enjoy sex and often used it as a bargaining tool in their marriages (because they were socialized to do so). Plus, unhappy couples (who are less likely to have sex) were more likely to stay together because of social expectations, or because they had children they were raising.

Why does a marriage become sexless? Does it start that way? Or does sex fade?

The answer to that one is both. Some of the people in our sample never had much sex from the beginning, while others identified a particular time or event (childbirth, affair) after which sex slowed or stopped. Some people become accustomed to their spouse, bored even, and sex slows. For others, it is the demands of raising a family, establishing a career, and mid-adulthood. And there are people who have very low sex drives, and may even be asexual. They may have some sex with their partners to begin with, but it becomes unimportant to them (and usually not so unimportant to their spouses). These folks may also be dealing with guilt, issues with the human body, or feel that sex is “dirty” or only for procreation. A small number of couples showed a mixed pattern, where they would have periods of “feast” and of “famine.”

Are couples in sexless marriages less happy than couples having sex?

Generally, yes. There is a feedback relationship in most couples between happiness and having sex. Happy couples have more sex, and the more sex a couple has, the happier they report being. But keep in mind that sex is only one form of intimacy, and that some couples are fairly happy (and intimate) even without sex. In my 1993 study, I did find that people in sexless marriages were more likely to have considered divorce than those in sexually active marriages. There is no ideal level of sexual activity — the ideal level is what both partners are happy with — and when one (or both) are unhappy, then you can have marital problems.

Can people in a marriage that has become sexless rekindle their sex lives?

Some do. But once a marriage has been sexless for a long time, it’s very hard. One or both may be extremely afraid of hurt or rejection, or just entirely apathetic to their partner. They may not have been communicating about sex for a very long time (if ever) and have trouble talking about it. Couples who talk over their sex lives (as well as other aspects of their marriages) tend to have healthier marriages, but it’s hard to get a couple talking once they’ve established a pattern of non-communication.

There are mixed opinions about what to do to rekindle marital sex. For some couples, it may be as simple as a weekend away from the kids, taking a vacation or cruise, or just having some time off, alone. Others may need help in re-establishing communication and may seek professional assistance. The sad fact is that there are few counseling professionals that deal with this issue. Often, marriage counselors focus on other aspects, rather than sex. While these other aspects may play a big role in sexual inactivity, talking explicitly about sex is essential.

Are people in sexless marriages more likely to get divorced?

In my studies, as well as others, people in sexless marriages report that they are more likely to have considered divorce, and that they are less happy in their marriages.

Some of our former respondents have kept in touch with me, and the happiest ones are actually those that have moved on to other partners. It may be that lack of sex is a signal that all intimacy in a marriage is over, and that both would be happier in other situations. I know that this may not be a popular idea with the religious and political right, but it may be a better solution than staying in a marriage that is hurtful and unfulfilling.

In sum, these situations are just so complicated. Each couple has to examine their specific histories, their motivations and goals, and whether it is worth it to them to work on putting sex back in the marriage. It can be a difficult task and require that people take emotional and physical steps that aren’t comfortable for them.

What else are you trying to learn about sexless marriages?

I’m hoping to begin some longitudinal work which follows couples over time, to try and understand better the processes they experience, how they make decisions, and how these decisions affect their future happiness. Ultimately, I’d like to know how those who were able to repair their sexual relationships did so.

Dr. Romance: Bored with your Sex Life?

Put Spice Back into your Marriage with Tips to Help when the Sex Gets Boring

By TINA TESSINA

Are you bored with your marital sex life? What can you do about it? Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D, psychotherapist and author of “Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage (Adams Media 2008)” offers tips to improve intimacy with your mate.

Q: Sometimes I feel sexually excited, but I don’t always feel desire for my husband…In other words, I’d rather take things into my own hands. Does this mean there’s something wrong or missing from our relationship?
A: Sure it’s normal. It’s more direct and easier to do it yourself, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Keep in mind, however, that the easy route might not be the best route for your marriage. If you can direct that energy toward having sex with your husband, your marriage will benefit. Also, take a little time to think about whether anything is going on between you that’s putting you off. It’s better to talk about that directly than to avoid it and go off by yourself.

Q: My husband and I have been married for many years. Thankfully I have orgasms somewhat easily and consistently, but I don’t always look forward to sex. Weeks can go by without me missing it. Is this bad?
A: It’s normal in a long-term marriage for spontaneous sexuality to diminish and even disappear. Don’t continue to expect sex to generate itself as your marriage becomes more familiar and comfortable. You need to begin generating the sexual energy with each other. Try creating a mood, making a way for the two of you to transition from daily chores and hassles to intimacy. You might want to cuddle on the couch or surprise him with a kiss. You both need a signal that tells your partner that it’s time for sex.

Q: How can we make sex seem more romantic and less run-of-the mill? How can we recapture the passion we once had so many years ago?
A: The most important thing to do is to take the hassle out of it. Don’t have high expectations for every sexual encounter. Develop a repertoire that includes:

1. Sex when you’re tired.
2. Sex when you’re rushed.
3. Sex when only one of you wants it.

Make it as easy as possible and get playful about it. If you can giggle and laugh together, you’ll feel more connected. If you keep your sexual connection going, the big, romantic fantasy moments will happen every once in a while (an anniversary, while you’re on vacation, and so on.) The key is to make it simple and easy to get together.

Q: If I fantasize about other men, does it mean something is wrong with my marriage? Should I tell my husband about my fantasies?
A: Fantasizing about other men is normal. Whether or not to tell your husband depends on your two personalities and preferences. Will he be intimidated and put off, or will he be excited about it? Sometimes fantasies can be used to enhance sex — for example, a fantasy that he has stolen you from this other man could really get you both going.

Are You Spouses or Just Roommates?

By Jeanie Davis
Reviewed By Louise Chang MD

There’s no drama, no fighting. You’ve been together for years, raised kids and pets. The love is still there, but the spark just isn’t. As months drift into years, you realize: You’re in a sexless marriage.
Most married couples don’t really know what to expect of a long-term relationship, says Diane Solee, MSW, a former marriage counselor who is the founder and director of Smartmarriages.com. She is also director of the Coalition for Marriage, Family, and Couples Education.
“It’s so normal to hit the doldrums. In a way, you should be smug about it,” Solee tells WebMD. “You have a partner who is not bringing drama into your life. You’re not going to alcohol or cocaine treatment classes. You are in a very good place. Realizing all that, your job is to get out of the doldrums. You may have gotten into a rut.”
There’s more at stake than simply boredom. Very often, couples are headed toward a bigger disconnect in the marriage — and possibly divorce, says Pepper Schwartz, PhD, professor of sociology, psychiatry, and behavioral medicine at the University of Washington in Seattle.
Schwartz is on the Health Advisory Board at WebMD, and author of several books including Prime: Adventures and Advice about Sex, Love, and the Sensual Years.
Signs you’re in the marital doldrums: “You’re leading parallel lives, and don’t see each other anymore,” she tells WebMD. “You tell everything important to your friends but not to each other. Those are really big problems, and you’ve got to tend to them.”
A sharp tongue is a red flag of growing frustration in a passionless marriage, Schwartz adds. “If you’re bitchy, if you treat each other with contempt, it’s a warning sign. It may not happen all the time, but it happens often. It’s because people start to feel neglected, disappointed. They had expectations of what marriage should be like, and this is not what they’d hoped for.”
In fact, boredom is very often a cover-up for anger and disappointment, Schwartz explains. “Those deeper feelings have to be dealt with. I’m not talking about deep therapy; it can happen in one or two visits. But there has to be a refocusing on the relationship… a renewal of what this marriage is supposed to be.”
The Anatomy of Love
First step: Be realistic. If you’re looking for the swept-off-your feet sex of those first few years, dream on. And a new partner certainly isn’t the solution. Three years later, you’ll have the same sizzle-less marriage you have right now.
“The initial passion of any relationship changes after 18 months,” says Sallie Foley, MSW, director of the Center for Sexual Health at the University of Michigan. She is the author of Modern Love and Sex and Love for Grownups.
“It moves from the romantic and exciting to an attachment kind of loving, fondness,” Foley tells WebMD. “That gotta have it, gotta have it feeling is gone.”
Take stock of what you want, she advises. If you want a sex life, then commit to making it happen, Foley says. “Not everyone wants a sex life as they head into last third of life. But AARP studies show that 65% remain sexually active.”
Put aside the romanticized, silver-screen notions of sex, Foley says. “The majority of people your age are having good-enough sex. Occasionally, they have sex that knocks it out of the ballpark. But they’re having sex regularly. They’re getting into bed, hugging and touching, canoodling as I call it, and they’re doing it on a regular basis.”
You’ve also got to set aside negative attitudes about your spouse. “You have to give up fantasy notions that he or she is suddenly going to be 20 pounds lighter with no cellulite. You have to decide, ‘This is what I want, how do I proceed,’” she advises.
Then, have “the talk” with your spouse. You have to be willing to say this to your partner: “We need to jazz up our sex life. We have fallen into some bad habits. I’m not going to settle for this level. We need to have sex, the same as we do other things that are important to us. We have to set aside time for it.’”
He’s Just Not Up for It?
If your partner is unwilling, here’s your dialogue: “We need to go for a brief round of counseling to get our priorities straight. I’m not willing to settle for a relationship where you sit in a chair, pop a few beers, and our sex life is over.”
The stereotype of grumpy old men exists for a reason, Foley explains. “With aging comes an increase in depression and irritability. Women complain to me — I was ready to try these things, but I couldn’t get my partner to do it.”
Often, the irritability and crankiness is actually masking anxiety and depression. If your partner is downright snarly about it, then you’ve got to stand your ground. “This isn’t the kind of thing in this day and age that people live with,” she says. “Our parents or grandparents may have lived that way, but we don’t anymore.”
With therapy and the right medication, the irritable anxiousness and depression can disappear. If your partner won’t go to counseling, then you need to go alone, she says. “Counseling can help you figure out strategies to help yourself.”
Put Sex on the Schedule
If you’re both on the same page, it’s time you put sex on the schedule. Think of it as exercise, your regular workout — whatever time of day you choose. After all, sexual health is an important part of general health, Foley says.
“It’s a very healthy thing for a partnership, there’s no question about that,” she tells WebMD. “People who have sex tend to feel closer, more intimate.”
When you’re over 40, there’s definitely a “use it or lose it” aspect to sex, she adds. “That means you have to do it every day. You have to be committed to intimate time together. That doesn’t mean every single time you take off your clothes and have sex. But set aside time just for the two of you.”
Fall in Love Again
Outside the bedroom, you must make time for each other. “If you’re bored, you can figure your partner is probably bored, too,” says Solee. “Think what would put excitement into your life. Take responsibility for doing something about it. You really owe it to yourself.”
Take a cooking class together, take up kayaking or dancing — or sign up for a sex workshop, she advises. “Share each other’s interests. Find new interests together. Single people can follow their own interests. You don’t want to send your partner off to a class alone. Mother Nature abhors the doldrums, so don’t let someone else fill it.”
Trying something new requires a lot of focus — and that’s good for your sex life. “It’s like when you had kids, or bought your first house. People actually fall in love again.”
Between the sheets, keep things spontaneous and fun, she says. “The phone is turned off, the dog is behind the door. You get into bed with an attitude of good will. You don’t have to have an attitude of ‘complete hot.’ That’s a big misconception.”
Allow each other plenty of sensual time to get warmed up. When you’re over 40, foreplay is important in building arousal and desire. “When we’re 20, it’s all pretty straightforward — desire, arousal, orgasm. After age 40, you need to give arousal more time. You get into bed, start doing it — then you start feeling some physical arousal. That increases your desire, which increases more arousal.”
Also, your mind-set changes. “As men get older, they get more focused on eroticism,” she says. “They’re much more interested in pleasure, in having the connection. Women start asking for what they want.”
Couples should also develop a “sexual style,” Solee tells WebMD. “Most people think that if they’ve found a lover and soul mate, the sex will be great. Early marital sex is essentially sex with a stranger. This is about letting your partner know you, and getting to know them, intimately. Marital sex can be hotter if you can develop an intimate sexual style with your marriage partner.”
Vibrators and Pills
Tools and toys are important, too.
Men: Viagra, Levitra, or Cialis can be effective in men with erection problems, but if you have certain medical conditions or are taking certain medicines, you may not be able to use them.
Ladies: Don’t fret if you’re not feeling desire right away. Enjoy the process of becoming aroused. A vibrator can help with that, she advises. “After menopause, they may need a more intense vibration, at least initially, if a woman hasn’t been sexual in awhile. She may need a vibrator.”
If vaginal dryness and pain are issues, look into topical lubricants and moisturizers, Foley adds.
Many vaginal products contain estrogen (which can come in cream, vaginal ring, and vaginal tablet formulation), which helps with dryness, irritation, and muscle tone in the area. If you cannot take estrogen, products like Replens or K-Y Jelly can help with lubrication.
Try a Marriage Retreat
Keeping your marriage on track — sexually and otherwise — requires good communications skills, Solee adds. A therapist can guide you toward improving those skills, possibly recommending a marriage retreat.
“It’s not our differences that pull us apart, it’s how we handle them,” she tells WebMD. “You need to really listen to your partner in a way he knows you love and respect him. Take a marriage cruise or retreat or a wilderness workshop. Learn to disagree in ways that breed joy and intimacy.” Marriage education classes are also held in local community centers, churches, and military bases, she adds.
Some workshops are intense group therapy for couples. “Some are enrichment weekends — you learn to massage each others’ feet, or talk about sensuality. It depends on how deep your rift is, whether a therapist would recommend a lighter or deeper workshop,” Schwartz says.
Group therapy lets you see the relationship more clearly. “Often, people find it easier to give empathy to other people than to each other,” she explains. “But once empathy is in the room, it kind of fills the room. It helps you give it to each other.”
You learn from other couples in the room, Schwartz adds. “Some people give voice to something you haven’t been able to. It’s different if it doesn’t come from an authority figure. It becomes a discussion among equals. Other people can see things you may not see. If everybody looks at you and says, ‘Why are you being so hard on her?’ everything changes. You suddenly see, whoa, I am.”

How To Keep Your Sex Life Alive in Your Marriage
By Sheri & Bob Stritof, About.com

Sex doesn’t have to get boring in marriage. As the years go by, your sex life should get better. Here are some ways to keep your marriage and sex life fresh.

Communication is the key to a healthy and active sex life in a marital relationship, so talk with one another more!
Share with one another your sexual desires.
Talk with one another about your expectations concerning lovemaking. False or unmet expectations can hurt your marriage.
Sexual intimacy is a continuing process of discovery. True intimacy through communication is what makes sex great.
Sex in a long lasting relationship can deepen and become a richer experience. No matter how many times you have made love to each other, the wonder and awe of mutual attraction can still be there.
When life becomes busy, and schedules are hectic, plan for sexual encounters with one another. Make sex one of your main priorities.
Try to set the mood in advance.
If you want to have good sex at night, start the foreplay in the morning.
Let your spouse know you care and are thinking about him/her throughout the day by notes, e-mails, phone calls, hugs, etc.
Tips:

Being grouchy all day or ignoring your spouse during the day hurts your chances of having a positive lovemaking experience that evening.
Remember that sex isn’t going to be perfect each time. Don’t compare your sex life to the ones you see in movies or on television.
Recognize that abstinence now and then can be beneficial to your relationship if you start to lust after one another more.
What You Need:

Good Communication
Love for Each Other
Willingness to Make Time for Each Other

Top 15 Tips to Improve Your Sex Life
by Excommunicada Illustrada, May 18, 2009

The Home Remedies Handbook presented various solutions to many medical problems. It is written by John H. Renner, M. D. and other members of Consumer Health Information Research Institute. Here I present to you the top 15 tips to improve your sex life.

In men, there are many degrees of erectile difficulties due to physical health and emotional health problem when they are aging. If the man’s problem is emotional in nature, maybe this tips from the handbook can help. On the other hand, if it is a medical problem, there are new surgeries and therapies could restore your physical health.

What are these 15 tips to improve your sexual health?
Make sex a less threatening experience. Do not dwell on the anxiety over the occasions of your erectile problems.
Spice up your sex life. Go to the motel or hotel. Buy your wife a new lingerie. Forget the daily routine in having sex.
Stress can be a major factor on your low performance. Get a good sleep and try to relax everyday.
Marital or relationship difficulties are major factor to sexual problems according to Raul C. Shiavi, M. D. You have to verbalize your emotions not in terms of accusations.
Communicate each other in what you would like in sexual situations.
Do not drink any alcoholic beverage before sex because it would impair your sexual function according to Raul C. Shiavi, M. D.
Always remember your successful sexual experience to have confidence in yourself.
The involvement of your sex partner can give a good solution to your sexual difficulties.
Do not feel guilty about your sexual provblems. You are not abnormal.
Read good and appropriate materials about sex. They can really help by adding some insights.
It is not just the size of the penis. It is the creativity during sex that gives you satisfaction.
Avoid aphrodistacs or Spanish Fly. These drugs can be very dangerous and the condition can be fatal.
Employ sexual fantasy during sex to enhance sexual arousal.
Why not try to masturbate to ease your anxiety over your sexual performance?
Do no be afraid to seek professional help such as sex therapist.

Improve your sex life

Elizabeth Cullen

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With incentives like easier to achieve orgasms, increased flexibility and muscle tone, and an overall ‘wow’ factor that will leave him reeling, the exercises below are sure to make you unforgettable in bed. Improve your sex life now!

IMPROVE YOUR SEX LIFE: BECOME A KEGEL MASTER
Why: Launched into the public consciousness by physician Arnold Kegel in the 1940s, a kegel is an exercise that strengthens your pelvic floor muscles, including the all-important pubococcygeus (PC) muscle, allowing you to have a stronger, more toned vagina.

Consider another perk of the kegel: the tension created by contracting the muscles causes blood to flow to the pelvic region, heightening your sexual arousal and potential for longer, more glass-shattering orgasms.

“Most men say that nothing compares to being with a woman who feels tight during the in-and-out, which is a direct result of squeezing and releasing the PC muscle during sex,” says Amy Levine, M.A., a certified sexuality educator and the founder of the website sexedsolutions.com.

”Not to mention, the tighter you can grip his penis with your vagina, the more you’ll experience the sensation of being filled, even if he’s on the smaller side.”

How: First locate your PC muscle by either clenching the muscle you use to stop urinating midstream. When you have the feel of things, practice contracting the muscle 3 times a day at 10 reps each, holding each contraction for at least 3 seconds.

IMPROVE YOUR SEX LIFE: MAKE LIKE A CAMEL…
Why: Because becoming loose in yoga class translates to letting loose in between the sheets.

“The more flexible you are, the more fun you’ll have experimenting with positions,” says Levine. “And since many of us are more likely to orgasm when an erogenous spot is stimulated by a certain angle, the better able you’ll be to get into those Cirque du Soleil-like positions.”

How: Tight hip flexors can cause pain during sex, so poses that open them up such as Ustrasana, also known as Camel Pose, can help improve sexual agility.

Recommended for beginners, Camel is a backbend pose resembling a woman on top position. To do this, come up onto your knees from sitting and begin reaching the hands upward along the sides of your body as you start to open the chest. Very carefully reach your hands backward one at a time and try to grab your heels. Bring your hips forward so they are over the hips. Let your head come back, opening the throat. Hold for 5 seconds.
WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS, SHAKE YOUR BOOTY:
Why: “If a woman is unhappy with her figure, exercising in general will help her to embrace her body and be more relaxed in the bedroom, resulting in a Big O,” notes Yvonne K. Fulbright, author of Touch Me There! A Hands-On Guide to Your Orgasmic Hot Spots.

While belly dancing and strip aerobics classes are among the latest in cardio fads, (and have the added bonus of a performance element which can be later be utilized in the bedroom) any workout that gets you sweaty and increases your stamina is beneficial.

How: At home, try dancing alongside Carmen Electra in her Aerobic Striptease series or with the ladies of the Ultimate Bellydance Fitness Workout.
MORE SEXY EXERCISES AND WAYS TO IMPROVE YOUR SEX LIFE:
Tantric sex
Three more reasons to exercise
Restart your sex drive

Dr. Berman Answers Your Sex Questions
Sex therapist Dr. Laura Berman addresses your questions, and there’s nothing off limits!
How can I help my husband to enjoy sex more?

What’s the best vibrator for a G-spot orgasm?

After a radical hysterectomy, I’ve lost my sex drive. Any suggestions?

I was sexually abused as a child. How do I keep that from negatively affecting my sex life?

Is it possible to not have a clitoris?

Is female ejaculation real?

I was raped for 11 years. I’ve done a lot of healing, but my sex drive is still suffering. How can I break free?

What do I need to do to achieve a vaginal orgasm?

I lost my desire for sex after having a baby. What can I do to jump-start my sex drive?

My husband is turned off by kissing, but I love it. Is there anything he can do to get over it?

How can my husband and I talk to you or find a good sex therapist in our area?

I was a virgin until marriage, and now that I’m married I don’t desire sex. How can I start to feel more sexual?

Help! I’ve never had an orgasm.

I am in premenopause. Is there anything I can do about vaginal dryness?

My husband was sexually abused as a child. How do we go about seeking help and developing a sex life not destroyed by the past?

How can I get my husband to stop acting like a child and start being a man so that I can be sexually attracted to him?

A Message from Dr. Berman
I wish I could stay here all night and keep answering all the amazing questions. Thank you everyone for posting them and sharing your stories. I will try to come back another time and get to more of you. Until then, don’t be scared and sweep these problems under the rug. You were brave enough to come out today, and they aren’t going to go away on their own. You deserve the love and intimacy you desire, and it is always possible to get there, especially when both you and your partner are motivated to do so—so get the help you need. Thank you for watching, and here’s to great sex. You deserve it!
—Dr. Berman
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5 food tips to improve your sex life
June 18, 10:35 AM

Mother Nature’s sweets equals a sweet sex life
Face it. When I say Food and Sex, most people’s naughty little minds go straight to their own version of the movie “9 ½ Weeks.” I mean who wouldn’t, right? I have to admit, put those two words together and my mind wanders straight into strawberries, blindfolds and a tub full of warm chocolate pudding… OK, maybe that’s just me.
But, there’s a LOT more to the whole food / sex relationship than just smothering it all over your bodies.
Instead of screwing each other, you could be screwing yourself by what you ARE or AREN’T putting in that lovely little pie hole of yours….
Think about it.
Ever felt like your sex drive is in park? So damn tired that the idea of sex is right up there on the fun scale with sliding down a fifty foot razor blade?
Have you become more romantically involved with the TV remote than with your partner?
Or have you looked at your loved one and actually thought that you’d rather be eating a cheeseburger / candy bar / bag of potato chips / whole pizza / all of the above instead of playing “hide the Sausage?”
Do you sometimes feel about as attractive and energetic as a rotting banana?
Yeah, yeah… Haven’t we all?
But, chances are if you make a few small changes as to what you put in your mouth, you may find a little more excitement in the sack as well.
ZINC WILL BRING ZEST BACK TO SEX
We’ve all heard of Aphrodite, the Greek Goddess of Love, right? Well, part of her myth says that she gave birth to her son, EROS, in an oyster shell, which started the whole oysters equals hot, horny lovin’ stories. BUT what you probably did NOT know is that there IS actually truth to the whole oyster / aphrodisiacs tale. Oysters are loaded with the mineral ZINC, which is the number one nutrient most associated with sex and for good reason.
Zinc plays a key role in testosterone production. And this is important for both MEN and WOMEN. If you zinc levels are low, then that means lower sex drives for the both of you. And if you’re drinking a lot of caffeine, alcohol or smoking, this could be you, as these things increase the need for zinc. But the higher the zinc, the hornier you are. Plus the added bonus that it helps sperm production. Good news for those of you hoping to make some puppies of your own.
So make sure to add LEAN red meat, fish and shellfish, some poultry and eggs, lentils, brown rice and green leafy veggies to your diet, all super rich in zinc… But remember, the NUMBER ONE Zinc food is still the oyster, so slurp some of those down! (And no, snorting the Zycam won’t help.)

SOY – A GIRL’S BEST FRIEND
I know for some people, SOY products, like tofu and soy milk, sound like some weird, hippy dippy food you eat while living on a commune and never shaving your armpit hair. Well, that’s an old idea that needs to be thrown out with that smelly old pair of Birkenstocks! Soy is great protein, low fat AND has phytoestrogens, which keeps mean old PMS and nasty ass menopause at bay. And that’s good because soy binds to your estrogen receptors which keeps special lady parts nice and lubed…an added little bonus for when the mood hits! (That goes for men too, as soy is a very good friend to the prostrate, an all important male sex organ.) So double that edemame order when you run off for sushi.

CHILIES CAN TAKE THE “CHILL” OUT OF YOUR BEDROOM
Capsaicin, that thing in chilies that packs the HOT punch may also be the thing that releases endorphins, our happy chemicals. So eating some chili pepper (GINGER too) can not only stimulate your tongue, but all parts south of the border.

A HEALTHY HEART = HEALTHY SEX
You knew you weren’t going to get away without hearing how important it is to take care of your heart. Keeping the blood pumping nice and steady will keep the two of you pumping nice and steady in the sack as well. Because if you or your partner are eating super crappy food, you’ll not only gain weight, but your libido will go down the toilet to boot.
Too much fat can clog arteries and in turn prevent the blood from making it downtown to Loveville. Eating too many cheeseburgers? Well, NO WONDER you don’t want to have sex. Not only are you not getting enough blood flowing to get your sex drive to rev up, but you’re probably also just feeling unattractive. And THAT is a HUGE sexual appetite suppressant. Making sure you have a ton of green leafy veggies, and fruits like bananas will help your mood and your ‘tude.

SWEETS FOR THE SWEET
Speaking of bananas; fruit is Mother Nature’s way of keeping sex sweet. Eating fruits like pineapple, strawberries, kiwi and blueberries will not only help you feel better, but it will make you ahem, taste better. Pineapple has been known to make a man’s semen taste sweeter. But that also goes for the ladies. Getting several portions of fruit a day will help keep a woman’s kitty sweet and ready for love.
Now more than ever is there a reason to LOVE food.
BON APPETIT.

Improve Your Sex Life with Yoga
:: By Kate Hanley

You already know yoga can give you greater flexibility, better muscle tone, a surefire way to release stress, and maybe even enlightenment. But better sex? Really? You betcha. Yoga offers myriad physical and emotional benefits that add up to more fun between the sheets and a more fulfilling, meaningful sexual relationship with your partner.

Whether heating up your sex life is the main goal of your yoga practice or just a happy side effect, chalk this information up as yet another great reason to roll out the mat. Here are the major ways it works:

Sensuality

On a more subtle level, yoga helps you develop an awareness of sensations in your body. Learning to feel the weight rolling into the inside edges of your palms in downward dog, for example, teaches you to savor every sensation in your body — including the really delicious ones that happen during sex. It also helps keep you rooted in your body and out of your head, where your swirling thoughts can keep you from enjoying the experience at hand, whether it’s in class, out with friends or between the sheets.

Confidence

A recent study shows that people who practice yoga gain less weight as they age than people who don’t do yoga at all. And while feeling more fit is an undeniable turn-on, a sustained yoga practice also encourages you to develop a reverence for your body.

Energy

Raise your hand if you’ve ever dozed off during sex, or felt the stirrings of arousal but were so tired you opted for bed instead. According to a recent survey by the National Sleep Foundation, a full third of women say tiredness causes them to cut back on sex. And a 2004 clinical study at Harvard Medical School showed that just eight weeks of a simple at-home yoga practice significantly improved sleep quality for the toughest audience — chronic insomniacs. It’s a simple exercise to connect the dots — practice yoga, sleep better, have more sex.

Intimacy

Yoga’s effects transcend the physical. It helps us become more comfortable in vulnerable positions — whether it’s a full backbend during class or a heart-to-heart conversation in bed at night.

Better Orgasms

On a purely physical level, many yoga poses — such as upavista konasana, or wide-legged straddle pose — increase blood flow to the pelvis. In our sedentary world, the muscles that run through the pelvis are chronically constricted. Another crucial aspect of yoga involves engaging and drawing up the muscles of the pelvic floor (known in Sanskrit as mula bandha, or root lock), which strengthens the muscles that play an integral role in orgasm.

Specific Poses

Here are two of the many yoga poses that can help boost your enjoyment in the boudoir:

Upavista Konasana (Wide Straddle Forward Bend)

How to do it: Sit on the floor with your legs wide. Leg muscles are activated and toes and kneecaps point straight up. Lean your torso forward as far as it goes comfortably. Hold for 5 to 10 deep breaths.

Sexual Benefits: Increases blood flow (and thus sensation) in the pelvis.

Baddha Konasana (Bound Angle Pose, also known as Cobbler’s Pose)

How to do it: Sit with your knees bent and soles of the feet touching. Lightly hold your big toes and lean your torso forward over your legs (back is gently rounded). Hold for 5 to 10 deep breaths.

Sexual benefits: Alleviates urinary and uterine disorders. Strengthens the uterus. Eases irritability, anxiety and fatigue, three reasons we might choose not to have sex.

How to improve your relationship
Written by Dr Christine Webber, psychotherapist and lifecoach

Do you have problems in your relationship?

When things are not going well in a sexual and romantic relationship, it can really help if both partners try to understand why. If you are in a relationship that’s in trouble, ask yourself the following questions.
What do you each want out of the relationship? Are you getting it?
Are you about to leave your partner? Or do you still enjoy your life together?
Are you ready to sacrifice time and energy to make your relationship work again?
Do you still love each other?
Your answers to these questions will help you pinpoint the extent of the problem and your expectations for change.
While every couple is different, below are some common causes of relationship difficulties and ways to tackle. However, it’s unlikely things will improve if both partners aren’t prepared to work through the issues.
Part 1: How can you improve your relationship?
Stop the blame game
When things are going badly, couples tend to ask who is at fault and which of them is to blame. Neither of these questions are helpful.
It’s better by far for both partners to accept that they share joint responsibility for the relationship, and to agree that when they are having problems they should work at them together.
Find time to work on your relationship
In today’s busy, modern world, you need to find time for each other. This is not easy if you both have hectic careers, and becomes even more difficult when you have children.
But if you have established a will to make things better, then you need to look at your joint schedules and find time when you can be together.
If you don’t find time, improvement will be slow or non-existent.
As a therapist, I often take calls from couples who want to come for therapy to improve aspects of their relationship, but who then cannot find a mutually convenient time to fit in an appointment. This is ludicrous.
It suggests both the relationship and the work needed on it is a low priority.
If you can make time to talk and to be together, you may well overcome your difficulties.
Change the way you communicate
Frequently, couples stop making an effort with each other. They may insult each other or take each other for granted.
Suppose the door bell rings. One partner may yell at the other: ‘Get that will you?’ It doesn’t take much effort to add the word ‘please’ or to ask in a different way, such as: ‘Would you mind answering the door?’
This may sound a small point, and maybe an old-fashioned one, but when couples bellow demands at each other, it sounds abrasive and disrespectful.
When aggression becomes a habit, it can seriously damage the romance in a relationship.
Dr Jack Dominian is a psychiatrist who has had a long and distinguished career in the treatment of relationship problems. He says a couple should eliminate one phrase from their vocabulary: ‘the trouble with you is…’.
I would add that sarcasm is unpleasant and unproductive. It invariably leads to one partner feeling ‘put down’, which isn’t a good emotional state for a healthy relationship.
The key thing here is that you should make sure you show each other the respect that you did when you first met.
Make an effort for each other
Lack of respect can also be shown in appearances. It’s very sad that couples often stop making an effort with how they look.
A small thing like changing work clothes for something brighter for dinner – and the woman putting on some make-up and the man having a shave – can transform a routine evening into more of an occasion.
Try the 10-minute rule
Men often say: ‘She just wants to go on and on about things, and it drives me mad.’ While women say: ‘We never talk.’ Both parties cannot be right!
If you and your partner are struggling to discuss the things that matter to you both, it’s a good idea to deploy the 10-minute rule.
One partner has his or her say for 10 minutes. During this time the other partner listens and does not interrupt.
After 10 minutes, the second partner takes the floor for 10 minutes. Men, in particular, appreciate the chance to have their say without interruption and with the guarantee that the conversation will not go on all night.
After both of you have had your say, have a further 10 minutes between you.
The whole discussion should be over in 30 minutes.
If both parties agree to carry on with the conversation, that’s fine, but it should never go on for more than an hour.
If you both know that you have limited time, you will be more concise, and hopefully spare each other any histrionic behaviour.
So, simple things like talking to each other with respect, being smart and fragrant for your partner and using the 10-minute rule can give a big lift to your relationship. But what else is there?
Have an evening out
Try to have one evening out per week, just the two of you. If you have children this is more difficult to arrange, but it’s not impossible. And when you have this ‘date’, avoid talking about your offspring or work.
Socialise as a couple
Another good thing to do is to make sure that you get some friends round on a regular basis, even if it’s just for a takeaway or supper round the kitchen table.
You’ll have a good laugh, and if these friends have known you since the beginning of your relationship, it will remind you of happier days and you’ll feel younger and more carefree.
Call in the professionals
If your relationship is in real trouble and none of the above suggestions help significantly, you might want to consider having some relationship therapy.
The obvious place to go for this in the UK is Relate, who offer low-cost, face-to-face counselling. Additionally, they offer email or phone counselling.
No matter where you live in the UK, there is likely to be a branch of Relate near you.
You can also opt to go to a private therapist. This will cost more, but usually allow you to be more in control of when you go, how many sessions you have and so on.
Part 2: How can you improve your sex life?
Look at the whole relationship
It is unlikely that a sex life in trouble will improve greatly if work is not put in on the whole relationship.
Of course, there are times when both partners may be steamed up and the sex works wonderfully. But apart from these spontaneous and happy times, couples often complain that they don’t make love as much as they did, or that one or both partners have lost the urge.
Increasingly we are seeing couples – men as well as women – who have little interest in sex. Fatigue is often the main culprit here. Many people now work such long hours that they feel permanently exhausted.
Often a loss of libido can be about resentment or a pervading sense of unhappiness with the relationship itself.
For example, a man may lose interest in sex if the woman is very aggressive in bed or out, nags him to do better sexually, or if she keeps complaining that he doesn’t do his share of the housework.
And a woman may feel a lack of interest sexually for similar reasons, including a perception that her man never says he loves her unless he wants sex.
So, I cannot emphasise enough that before you look at your sex life, you should look more generally at your relationship.
Having done that, there are plenty of ways in which you can liven up your sex life.
You might want to take turns in running the sex session. In other words, the man may make all the suggestions one night and the woman another. This often leads to much greater variety.
A short break away is always a good bet for enlivening a relationship. I did a survey once in which 96 per cent of women told me they felt sexier when they were on holiday – even just a short weekend break.
You might use fantasies, always supposing that the same sorts of things turn you on.
You might read erotica to each other before, or even during, sex.
Some couples enjoy porn together – usually videos of attractive couples making love.
Some couples like to dress up or to use vibrators or other sex toys. They might also enjoy reading sex manuals on different sexual positions, or dressing up in sexy lingerie.
There are some very good sex shops online that are attractive to women and cater for all these sorts of products. Some of the best are:
Gash
Passion 8
Sh!
Tickled.
What if one of us has a medical problem that’s stopping sex?
The above advice assumes that neither partner has a serious sex problem such as premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, pain during intercourse or difficulty getting an erection.
If you have a problem that makes sex difficult, there are therapists who can help and there are articles on all these conditions elsewhere on this website.
When to seek professional help
If you think your sex-life has become stale and boring, and none of the above suggestions appeal, you might also benefit from some sex therapy.
Some therapists specialise in helping couples by teaching them techniques where intercourse is banned for a while so that the couple can enjoy touching, stroking and other forms of love play. This can have a dramatic effect on a flagging relationship.
If you want to contact a specialist in sex and relationship therapy, go to someone properly qualified such as:
a Relate counsellor who is trained in psychosexual matters
a private therapist who is a fully accredited member of the British Association for Sexual and Relationship Therapy
a doctor who is a member of the Institute of Psychosexual Medicine.
My partner’s had an affair
Finally, you may be reading this article because one of you has had an affair, and you are now trying to rebuild your relationship in and out of bed.
This will be a rocky time for you, so some Relate or other relationship counselling could prove beneficial.
You need to rebuild trust too, so please realise that things are unlikely to improve instantly. These things take time, but are well worth working at.