Written by HealthyPlace.com Staff Writer

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Communication problems, sex, anger, even illness can contribute to problems in a marriage or relationship. To manage conflicts and stress, couples sometimes turn to marriage counseling or couples counseling to help heal the relationship. Learn more about marriage counseling.

Your partner comes home from work, makes a beeline for the liquor cabinet and then sulks off silently. You haven’t had a real conversation for weeks. A few arguments over money or late nights out, sure, but no heart-to-hearts. Sex? What’s that?

Your relationship is on the rocks, and you both know it. But you aren’t sure how to fix things — or if you really want to.

It may be time for marriage counseling. Marriage counseling can help you rebuild your relationship. Or decide that you’ll both be better off if you split up. Either way, marriage counseling can help you understand your relationship better and make well-thought-out decisions.

What is marriage counseling?

Marriage counseling, also called couples therapy, helps couples — married or not — understand and resolve conflicts and improve their relationship. Marriage counseling gives couples the tools to communicate better, negotiate differences, problem solve and even argue in a healthier way.

Marriage counseling is generally provided by licensed therapists known as marriage and family therapists. These therapists provide the same mental health services as other therapists, but with a specific focus — a couple’s relationship.

Marriage counseling is often short term. You may need only a few sessions to help you weather a crisis. Or you may need marriage counseling for several months, particularly if your relationship has greatly deteriorated. As with individual psychotherapy, you typically see a marriage counselor once a week.

Who can benefit from marriage counseling?

Most marriages and other relationships aren’t perfect. Each person brings his or her own ideas, values, opinions and personal history into a relationship, and they don’t always match their partner’s. Those differences don’t necessarily mean your relationship is bound for conflict. To the contrary, differences can be complementary — you know the saying about opposites attracting. These differences can also help people understand, respect and accept opposing views and cultures.

But relationships can be tested. Differences or habits that you once found endearing may grate on your nerves after time together. Sometimes specific issues, such as an extramarital affair or loss of sexual attraction, trigger problems in a relationship. Other times, there’s a gradual disintegration of communication and caring.

No matter the cause, distress in a relationship can create undue stress, tension, sadness, worry, fear and other problems. You may hope your relationship troubles just go away on their own. But left to fester, a bad relationship may only worsen and eventually lead to physical or psychological problems, such as depression. A bad relationship can also create problems on the job and affect other family members or even friendships as people feel compelled to take sides.

Communication in Marriage

Learning to have effective communication in marriage is one of the most important aspects of marriage that a couple can work on. This article will provide several practical suggestions for improving communication in marriage.

Before anything else, it is important to dispel the myth that your husband or wife should always now what you are thinking. This attitude can be stated as “if you don’t already know what the problem is, you don’t deserve to know.” This is wrong! As obvious as a problem may seem it is unfair and impossible to expect a spouse to be able to always tell what the problem is. This attitude focuses on the wrong issue – trying to get your partner to guess the problem in stead of trying to find a solution. Instead we should be direct and open in our communication, allowing our time and energies to be spent on resolving the problem.

The following are several suggestions are simply strategies to help improve marriage communication.

Establish a time to talk – One of the most difficult problems when a couple is very busy is finding the time to talk. Communication takes a significant amount of time. By scheduling a weekly “planning meeting” you can make sure that at least once a week each person has the opportunity to express their concerns and frustrations (make sure you talk about good things too!)
Listen more carefully than you think you need to – before moving on to discussing a solution, make sure you really understand what your partner is saying. Many times the greatest stress with communication in marriage simply comes from the feeling that you are not being heard.
Focus on principles not positions – effective communication occurs when we learn to focus on common principles instead of differences in position. Usually we focus an argument on opposing positions (“you don’t think my cooking is as good as yours” or “you think Chris’ bedtime should be at 7:00 and I think it should be at 8:00″). Instead if we can focus on the underlying principles of the issue at hand (such as being healthy or making sure your children are well rested) they are almost always the same for both people. Simply recognizing shared principles makes negotiating a solution easier because you feel like you are both on the same team. In this case you can look for win-win situations where both people feel like they are satisfied with the solution.

As you work to improve your communication in marriage, you will find strategies of your own. It may help to write them down so you have some additional ideas for conflict resolution in the future. Regardless of what strategies or ideas you use to improve communication it is always better to address problems through communication then to bury them thinking that they will go away eventually – they won’t! Talk it out in a way that is supportive and loving whenever necessary.

Finally, research on appreciative inquiry has shown the importance of positive communication. Researchers suggest that if there is less than a five to one ratio of positive communication to negative communication in marriage you are in a dangerous area. Keep a mental tally throughout the day of your comments to your spouse (not the other way around). If you find that you are saying less than five positive or uplifting things to every negative or critical thing, change this habit immediately. You will be amazed how quickly things begin to change in your marriage just from this one principle.

Communication in Your Marriage

How do you communicate with someone who slams doors, kicks cabinets, gives dirty looks, rolls their eyes or resorts to the silent treatment as a means of communication?

You may choose to ignore the whole thing, figuring it will soon blow over. Or, you may ask, “What’s wrong?” and when your mate responds, “Nothing,” the conversation is over. Unfortunately, neither of these methods of dealing with nonverbal expressions of anger does anything to increase communication and intimacy, but the following method does seem to work:

First, you have to be willing to commit five minutes of your time to breaking through the barrier. You begin with the same question you usually ask: “What’s wrong?”

This time, however, when get the usual answer ? “Nothing” ? you’re not going to drop it. Instead say: “Please tell me what’s wrong. I know something is bothering you.”

Once again, the answer you get will probably be is, “I told you. Nothing is wrong.”

This is when it begins to get tough. Every bone in your body is telling you to leave well enough alone – it’s not worth it! Yes, it is. Keep going. The fact that you are spending so much time and effort shows your mate that you really care.

By now you are about three minutes into this monologue. This time you say, “Please tell me what’s wrong. I know you are upset. I must have done something to hurt you, but unless you tell me what it is, I’ll never be able to do anything about it.”

Your mate begins to weaken.

Here’s your final attempt. I want you to say, “Please, please, tell me what’s wrong, so I can make it up to you. You are the most important person in my life, and I love you with all my heart. Sometimes I can be so insensitive to you, and I just have to know what I did to cause you this pain.”

Stick with this until you get an answer, no matter how discouraged you become. The alternative is worse. Living with a person who is angry and distant is no fun. This way, your mate will eventually cave in. It really will only take about five minutes and it will be over, and both of you will feel better.

While we’re on the subject of non verbal communication, I want to caution you to watch your own nonverbal messages. You can send a negative message without saying a word. For example:

Your wife is talking to you. Your eyes never leave the newspaper. The message you send is, “I’m not interested in what you have to say. This newspaper is more interesting.”

Your husband is telling a story you’ve heard many times before. You begin to just roll your eyes. The message you send is, “You are so boring. Here we go again.”

You’ve just mad love and you are silent. The message you send is, “That was no big deal; certainly not worth talking about.”

Your mate is telling you about an incident she experienced that day, and you look at your watch. The message you send is, “Hurry up and finish. I have more important things to do.”

Sometimes it’s not what you say, but what you don’t say, that hurts.

If you have a story to add to my collection, please write to me and let me know if I can put it on my website. I think that most marriages could stand a little more laughter, playfulness and imagination.

Psychological response to rape

Main article: Rape Trauma Syndrome
[edit]Self blame
Self blame is among the most common of both short- and long-term effects and functions as an avoidance coping skill that inhibits the healing process and can often be remedied by a cognitive therapy technique known as cognitive restructuring.
There are two main types of self blame: behavioral self blame (undeserved blame based on actions) and characterological self blame (undeserved blame based on character). Victims who experience behavioral self blame feel that they should have done something differently, and therefore feel at fault. Victims who experience characterological self blame feel there is something inherently wrong with them which has caused them to deserve to be assaulted.
A leading researcher on the psychological causes and effects of shame, June Tangney, lists five ways shame can be destructive:[15]
lack of motivation to seek care;
lack of empathy;
cutting themselves off from other people;
anger;
aggression.
Tangney says shame has a special link to anger. “In day-to-day life, when people are shamed and angry they tend to be motivated to get back at a person and get revenge.”
In addition shame is connected to psychological problems – such as eating disorders, substance abuse, anxiety, depression, and other mental disorders as well as problematic moral behavior. In one study over several years shame-prone kids were prone to substance abuse, earlier sexual activity, less safe sexual activity, and involvement with the criminal justice system.[15]
Behavioral self blame is associated with feelings of guilt within the victim. While the belief that one had control during the assault (past control) is associated with greater psychological distress, the belief that one has more control during the recovery process (present control) is associated with less distress, less withdrawal, and more cognitive reprocessing.[16]
Counseling responses found helpful in reducing self blame are supportive responses, psychoeducational responses (learning about rape trauma syndrome) and those responses addressing the issue of blame.[17] A helpful type of therapy for self blame is cognitive restructuring or cognitive-behavioral therapy. Cognitive reprocessing is the process of taking the facts and forming a logical conclusion from them that is less influenced by shame or guilt.[18]
[edit]Suicide
Childhood and adulthood victims of rape are more likely to attempt or commit suicide.[19][20][21] The association remains, even after controlling for sex, age, education, symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder and the presence of psychiatric disorders.[22][23][24] The experience of being raped can lead to suicidal behavior as early as adolescence. In Ethiopia, 6% of raped schoolgirls reported having attempted suicide.[25] A study of adolescents in Brazil found prior sexual abuse to be a leading factor predicting several health risk behaviours, including suicidal thoughts and attempts.[26]

maslow’s hierarchy of needs

Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs motivational model

Abraham Maslow developed the Hierarchy of Needs model in 1940-50’s USA, and the Hierarchy of Needs theory remains valid today for understanding human motivation, management training, and personal development. Indeed, Maslow’s ideas surrounding the Hierarchy of Needs concerning the responsibility of employers to provide a workplace environment that encourages and enables employees to fulfil their own unique potential (self-actualization) are today more relevant than ever. Abraham Maslow’s book Motivation and Personality, published in 1954 (second edition 1970) introduced the Hierarchy of Needs, and Maslow extended his ideas in other work, notably his later book Toward A Psychology Of Being, a significant and relevant commentary, which has been revised in recent times by Richard Lowry, who is in his own right a leading academic in the field of motivational psychology.

Abraham Maslow was born in New York in 1908 and died in 1970, although various publications appear in Maslow’s name in later years. Maslow’s PhD in psychology in 1934 at the University of Wisconsin formed the basis of his motivational research, initially studying rhesus monkeys. Maslow later moved to New York’s Brooklyn College. Maslow’s original five-stage Hierarchy of Needs model is clearly and directly attributable to Maslow; later versions with added motivational stages are not so clearly attributable, although in his work Maslow refers to these additional aspects of motivation, but not specifically as levels in the Hierarchy. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs has been extended through interpretation of Maslow’s work by other people, and these augmented models and diagrams are shown as the adapted seven and eight-stage Hierarchy of Needs models below.

Free Hierarchy of Needs diagrams in pdf and MSWord formats similar to the image below are available from this page.

click to enlarge

(N.B. The word Actualization/Actualisation can be spelt either way. Z is preferred in American English. S is preferred in UK English. Both forms are used in this page to enable keyword searching for either spelling via search engines.)

maslow’s hierarchy of needs

Each of us is motivated by needs. Our most basic needs are inborn, having evolved over tens of thousands of years. Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs helps to explain how these needs motivate us all.

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs states that we must satisfy each need in turn, starting with the first, which deals with the most obvious needs for survival itself.

Only when the lower order needs of physical and emotional well-being are satisfied are we concerned with the higher order needs of influence and personal development.

Conversely, if the things that satisfy our lower order needs are swept away, we are no longer concerned about the maintenance of our higher order needs.

Maslow’s original Hierarchy of Needs model was developed between 1943-1954, and first widely published in Motivation and Personality in 1954. At this time the Hierarchy of Needs model comprised five needs. This original version remains for most people the definitive Hierarchy of Needs.

maslow’s hierarchy of needs – free pdf diagram and free msword diagram

1. Biological and Physiological needs – air, food, drink, shelter, warmth, sex, sleep, etc.

2. Safety needs – protection from elements, security, order, law, limits, stability, etc.

3. Belongingness and Love needs – work group, family, affection, relationships, etc.

4. Esteem needs – self-esteem, achievement, mastery, independence, status, dominance, prestige, managerial responsibility, etc.

5. Self-Actualization needs – realising personal potential, self-fulfillment, seeking personal growth and peak experiences.

This is the definitive and original Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.

While Maslow referred to various additional aspects of motivation, he expressed the Hierarchy of Needs in these five clear stages.

Here is a quick simple self-test based on the original Maslow’s 5-level Hierarchy of Needs. It’s not a scientific or validated instrument – merely a quick indicator, which can be used for self-awareness, discussion, etc.

1970’s adapted hierarchy of needs model, including cognitive and aesthetic needs – free pdf diagram and free msword diagram

1. Biological and Physiological needs – air, food, drink, shelter, warmth, sex, sleep, etc.

2. Safety needs – protection from elements, security, order, law, limits, stability, etc.

3. Belongingness and Love needs – work group, family, affection, relationships, etc.

4. Esteem needs – self-esteem, achievement, mastery, independence, status, dominance, prestige, managerial responsibility, etc.

5. Cognitive needs – knowledge, meaning, etc.

6. Aesthetic needs – appreciation and search for beauty, balance, form, etc.

7. Self-Actualization needs – realising personal potential, self-fulfillment, seeking personal growth and peak experiences.

N.B. Although Maslow referred to additional aspects of motivation, ‘Cognitive’ and ‘Aesthetic’, he did not include them as levels or stages within his own expression of the Hierarchy of Needs.

1990’s adapted hierarchy of needs including transcendence needs – free diagram and free msword diagram

1. Biological and Physiological needs – air, food, drink, shelter, warmth, sex, sleep, etc.

2. Safety needs – protection from elements, security, order, law, limits, stability, etc.

3. Belongingness and Love needs – work group, family, affection, relationships, etc.

4. Esteem needs – self-esteem, achievement, mastery, independence, status, dominance, prestige, managerial responsibility, etc.

5. Cognitive needs – knowledge, meaning, etc.

6. Aesthetic needs – appreciation and search for beauty, balance, form, etc.

7. Self-Actualization needs – realising personal potential, self-fulfillment, seeking personal growth and peak experiences.

8. Transcendence needs – helping others to achieve self actualization.

N.B. Although Maslow referred to additional aspects of motivation, ‘Cognitive’, ‘Aesthetic’, and ‘Transcendence’, he did not include any of these as additional stages in the Hierarchy of Needs.

Here is a quick self-test based on the extended 8-level Hierarchy of Needs. Like the 5-level Hierarchy of Needs self-test it is not a scientific or validated instrument – merely a quick indicator for helping self-awareness, discussion, etc.

what hierarchy of needs model is most valid?

Abraham Maslow created the original five level Hierarchy of Needs model, and for many this remains entirely adequate for its purpose. The seven and eight level ‘hierarchy of needs’ models are later adaptations by others, based on Maslow’s work. Arguably, the original five-level model includes the later additional sixth, seventh and eighth (‘Cognitive’, ‘Aesthetic’, and ‘Transcendence’) levels within the original ‘Self-Actualization’ level 5, since each one of the ‘new’ motivators concerns an area of self-development and self-fulfilment that is rooted in self-actualization ‘growth’, and is distinctly different to any of the previous 1-4 level ‘deficiency’ motivators. For many people, self-actualizing commonly involves each and every one of the newly added drivers. As such, the original five-level Hierarchy of Needs model remains a definitive classical representation of human motivation; and the later adaptations perhaps serve best to illustrate aspects of self-actualization.

Maslow said that needs must be satisfied in the given order. Aims and drive always shift to next higher order needs. Levels 1 to 4 are deficiency motivators; level 5, and by implication 6 to 8, are growth motivators and relatively rarely found. The thwarting of needs is usually a cause of stress, and is particularly so at level 4.

Examples in use:

You can’t motivate someone to achieve their sales target (level 4) when they’re having problems with their marriage (level 3).

You can’t expect someone to work as a team member (level 3) when they’re having their house re-possessed (level 2).

maslow’s self-actualizing characteristics

keen sense of reality – aware of real situations – objective judgement, rather than subjective
see problems in terms of challenges and situations requiring solutions, rather than see problems as personal complaints or excuses
need for privacy and comfortable being alone
reliant on own experiences and judgement – independent – not reliant on culture and environment to form opinions and views
not susceptible to social pressures – non-conformist
democratic, fair and non-discriminating – embracing and enjoying all cultures, races and individual styles
socially compassionate – possessing humanity
accepting others as they are and not trying to change people
comfortable with oneself – despite any unconventional tendencies
a few close intimate friends rather than many surface relationships
sense of humour directed at oneself or the human condition, rather than at the expense of others
spontaneous and natural – true to oneself, rather than being how others want
excited and interested in everything, even ordinary things
creative, inventive and original
seek peak experiences that leave a lasting impression (see the Hellespont Swim case study)
See the Maslow inteviews DVDs – especially Maslow and Self-Actualization to understand the subject more fully. These films were made in 1968 and are helpful on several levels, and both wonderful teaching and learning aids.

maslow’s hierarchy of needs in advertising

To help with training of Maslow’s theory look for Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs motivators in advertising. This is a great basis for Maslow and motivation training exercises:

Biological and Physiological needs – wife/child-abuse help-lines, social security benefits, Samaritans, roadside recovery.
Safety needs – home security products (alarms, etc), house an contents insurance, life assurance, schools.
Belongingness and Love needs – dating and match-making services, chat-lines, clubs and membership societies, Macdonalds, ‘family’ themes like the old style Oxo stock cube ads.
Esteem needs – cosmetics, fast cars, home improvements, furniture, fashion clothes, drinks, lifestyle products and services.
Self-Actualization needs – Open University, and that’s about it; little else in mainstream media because only 2% of population are self-actualizers, so they don’t constitute a very big part of the mainstream market.
You can view and download free Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs diagrams, and two free Hierarchy of Needs self-tests, based on the original Maslow’s five-stage model and later adapted eight-stage model, ideal for training, presentations and project work, at the businessballs free online resources section.

Free diagrams include:

Pyramid diagram based on Maslow’s original five-level Hierarchy of Needs (1954).
Adapted seven-level Hierarchy of Needs diagram (which seems to have first appeared in the 1970’s – after Maslow’s death).
Adapted eight-level Hierarchy of Needs diagram (appearing later, seemingly 1990’s).

interpreting behaviour according to maslow’s hierarchy of needs

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs is an excellent model for understanding human motivation, but it is a broad concept. If you are puzzled as to how to relate given behaviour to the Hierarchy it could be that your definition of the behaviour needs refining. For example, ‘where does ‘doing things for fun’ fit into the model? The answer is that it can’t until you define ‘doing things for fun’ more accurately.

You’d need to define more precisely each given situation where a person is ‘doing things for fun’ in order to analyse motivation according to Maslow’s Hierarchy, since the ‘fun’ activity motive can potentially be part any of the five original Maslow needs.

Understanding whether striving to achieve a particular need or aim is ‘fun’ can provide a helpful basis for identifying a Maslow driver within a given behaviour, and thereby to assess where a particular behaviour fits into the model:

Biological – health, fitness, energising mind and body, etc.
Safety – order and structure needs met for example by some heavily organised, structural activity
Belongingness – team sport, club ‘family’ and relationships
Esteem – competition, achievement, recognition
Self-Actualization drivers – challenge, new experiences, love of art, nature, etc.
However in order to relate a particular ‘doing it for fun’ behaviour the Hierarchy of Needs we need to consider what makes it ‘fun’ (ie rewarding) for the person. If a behaviour is ‘for fun’, then consider what makes it ‘fun’ for the person – is the ‘fun’ rooted in ‘belongingness’, or is it from ‘recognition’, ie., ‘esteem’. Or is the fun at a deeper level, from the sense of self-fulfilment, ie ’self-actualization’.

Apply this approach to any behaviour that doesn’t immediately fit the model, and it will help you to see where it does fit.

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs will be a blunt instrument if used as such. The way you use the Hierarchy of Needs determines the subtlety and sophistication of the model.

For example: the common broad-brush interpretation of Maslow’s famous theory suggests that that once a need is satisfied the person moves onto the next, and to an extent this is entirely correct. However an overly rigid application of this interpretation will produce a rigid analysis, and people and motivation are more complex. So while it is broadly true that people move up (or down) the hierarchy, depending what’s happening to them in their lives, it is also true that most people’s motivational ’set’ at any time comprises elements of all of the motivational drivers. For example, self-actualizers (level 5 – original model) are mainly focused on self-actualizing but are still motivated to eat (level 1) and socialise (level 3). Similarly, homeless folk whose main focus is feeding themselves (level 1) and finding shelter for the night (level 2) can also be, albeit to a lesser extent, still concerned with social relationships (level 3), how their friends perceive them (level 4), and even the meaning of life (level 5 – original model).

Like any simple model, Maslow’s theory not a fully responsive system – it’s a guide which requires some interpretation and thought, given which, it remains extremely useful and applicable for understanding, explaining and handling many human behaviour situations.

maslow’s hierarchy of needs and helping others

There are certainly some behaviours that are quite tricky to relate to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.

For example:

Normally, we would consider that selflessly helping others, as a form of personal growth motivation, would be found as part of self-actualisation, or perhaps even ‘transcendence’ (if you subscribe to the extended hierarchy).

So how can we explain the examples of people who seem to be far short of self-actualising, and yet are still able to help others in a meaningful and unselfish sense?

Interestingly this concept seems to be used increasingly as an effective way to help people deal with depression, low self-esteem, poor life circumstances, etc., and it almost turns the essential Maslow model on its head: that is, by helping others, a person helps themselves to improve and develop too.

The principle has also been applied quite recently to developing disaffected school-children, whom, as part of their own development, have been encouraged and enabled to ‘teach’ other younger children (which can arguably be interpreted as their acting at a self-actualising level – selflessly helping others). The disaffected children, theoretically striving to belong and be accepted (level 3 – belongingness) were actually remarkably good at helping other children, despite their own negative feelings and issues.

Under certain circumstances, a person striving to satisfy their needs at level 3 – belongingness, seems able to self-actualise – level 5 (and perhaps beyond, into ‘transcendence’) by selflessly helping others, and at the same time begins to satisfy their own needs for belongingness and self-esteem.

Such examples demonstrate the need for careful interpretation and application of the Maslow model. The Hierarchy of Needs is not a catch-all, but it does remain a wonderfully useful framework for analysing and trying to understand the subtleties – as well as the broader aspects – of human behaviour and growth.

self-actualisation, employees and organisations

Maslow’s work and ideas extend far beyond the Hierarchy of Needs.

Maslow’s concept of self-actualisation relates directly to the present day challenges and opportunities for employers and organisations – to provide real meaning, purpose and true personal development for their employees. For life – not just for work.

Maslow saw these issues fifty years ago: the fact that employees have a basic human need and a right to strive for self-actualisation, just as much as the corporate directors and owners do.

Increasingly, the successful organisations and employers will be those who genuinely care about, understand, encourage and enable their people’s personal growth towards self-actualisation – way beyond traditional work-related training and development, and of course way beyond old-style X-Theory management autocracy, which still forms the basis of much organised employment today.

The best modern employers and organisations are beginning to learn at last: that sustainable success is built on a serious and compassionate commitment to helping people identify, pursue and reach their own personal unique potential.

When people grow as people, they automatically become more effective and valuable as employees.

In fact virtually all personal growth, whether in a hobby, a special talent or interest, or a new experience, produces new skills, attributes, behaviours and wisdom that is directly transferable to any sort of job role.

The best modern employers recognise this and as such offer development support to their staff in any direction whatsoever that the person seeks to grow and become more fulfilled.

classic maslow 1968 interviews now on dvd

These superb Maslow DVDs have been brought to my attention. Both filmed in 1968, after Maslow’s heart attack, and obviously prior to his death in 1970, they show Dr Maslow being interviewed, respectively by Dr Everett Shostrom, and also interestingly, Warren Bennis.

Both films (available here) were made in 1968 and were remastered in black and white in 2007. The remarkable content, and the 1960s styling and production add to the seductive and powerful effect of these films, which stems chiefly from Maslow’s brilliant thinking and natural charismatic presence.

Being Abraham Maslow is half an hour long, and features Maslow talking to Warren Bennis about his life, his views of the world and his work. It is utterly compelling and shows Maslow’s staggering perception of the issues which challenge society and humankind today – and this was recorded in 1968. The film, basically irresistible throughout, includes some marvelous moments, such as Maslow’s questioning observation as to “…how good a human nature does society permit?…”, and the visionary statement that: “…The Good Society now has to be one world – it has to be one world or it won’t work – nationalism is dead – it just doesn’t know it yet…”

He said this in 1968 and still today our leaders don’t see it.

Maslow and Self-Actualization is an hour long, in two parts, in which Maslow is interviewed by Dr Everett Shostrom about Self-Actualization, in which Shostrom uses references and quotes extracts from Maslow’s book Motivation and Personality, and Maslow explains and develops the themes. The structure is excellent – ideal for teaching and training.

Self-Actualization is presented by Maslow through a series of answers, working through the concept in four sections: honesty, awareness, freedom and trust. Maslow brings these headings to life, conveying some very complex intangible ideas – such as objectivity, detachment, maturity, love, acceptance, modesty and grace – in the most understandable way. Personally this video is one of the most powerful things I’ve ever seen.

The film can be used as a teaching aid, and/or as the presenter suggests, to help people understand Self-Actualization as goals or values to aspire to: “…ideas for living and being, fully functioning to one’s full capacity…”

For anyone teaching or studying motivation, psychology, Maslow, and related areas – or simply interested in living a fulfilled and good life – these films will be fascinating, and for some people deeply inspirational too. Both films are available here.

In terms of format/compatibility, these US-made films wouldn’t play on my (cheap) UK DVD player, but they ran happily on my (cheap) UK PC.

5 Communication lessons learned in marriage counseling

November 28th, 2007

In case you are new to the drama that is my marriage, here is the post about our first day of counseling, which now has 171 comments. And here is the post where I blame my whole marriage on the institution of shared-care parenting, and also where I find out that the population of available babysitters in Madison, Wisconsin is reading my blog, and maybe that’s why we now offer the highest paying babysitting job in town.

At this point we’ve been seeing the marriage counselor for a few months, and believe it or not, I’ve learned a thing or two about communicating. We all want to think that our communication problems at home are different from the communication problems we have at work. In fact, though, corporate training companies like VitalSmarts have shown that communication skills are the same at home and at work, just the stakes are higher at home, where getting fired is not just a new job hunt.

So in the spirit of acknowledging that work and home require the same communication skills, here is what I’ve learned so far:

1. Make sure the person you’re talking to is ready to hear what you’re saying.
One reason there are so many comments about my posts about my marriage is that men (it’s mostly men) fear the emasculation of my husband via blogging. There is, of course, little sense of irony among these men that my husband’s masculinity would be very precarious if a few blog posts could derail it.

Regardless, this post is about our marriage. So if these posts bother you, you should ask yourself why you are reading past this paragraph.

2. Instead of complaining, ask for what you want in concrete, measurable terms.
In counseling, my husband and I had the earth-shattering revelation that we are treating each other like crap. So, we each got to ask the person to do some things that would change that dynamic and help us feel better about our relationship.

My husband asked me to stop throwing things, which really pissed me off because I have thrown things twice, in fifteen years, both times at a wall, but he brings it up constantly like I have a track record for throwing daggers at his head.

Please, don’t send me emails about how even one thing thrown is traumatizing, okay? I had about ten million things thrown at me as a kid, and the police were at our house all the time, so throwing only twice, and relatively innocuously, is actually a triumph, and the result of ten years of therapy so I don’t repeat what my parents did. No kidding: Ten years.

Here’s what I asked from my husband: That he say or do one nice thing to me every day. He definitely got ripped off in this bargain. Do not write to me about how this is a metaphor for our marriage. It isn’t. In all marriages that reach a low point, both people are getting ripped off equally, or else someone would threaten to leave. And neither of us is leaving.

3. Give feedback if expectations aren’t met, even if the effort is good.
The first day comes, and he writes me a note to thank me for taking care of the kids. Here’s what it said: Thanks for taking care of the kids. Here’s where he put the note: On my Facebook wall.

I didn’t even know he had an account on Facebook. And before you go to mine, let me confess that my assistant does a lot of my Facebook stuff – which is not uncommon because many professionals are on Facebook only because of peer pressure.

My assistant sends an email to me to let me know my husband says, Thank you for taking care of the kids.

I don’t want to tell my husband that he is crazy for posting stuff like this on my wall where thousands of people see it. But after three days of Facebook-based gratitudes, I remind him that my assistant manages my Facebook page.

He says, “Oh yeah. I forgot.” Then he keeps sending stuff there. He does chocolates. Then flowers. Then plants. By now, my Facebook page looks like a greenhouse.

I count the days until we will be back in a counseling session where I can ask for something different.

4. Take responsibility to make your boundary needs clear.
Then I got an email from Ryan P: “I see on Facebook that you and Nino got married. Congratulations.”

That’s when the Facebook thing became too much. I realized it was my husband’s way of doing our marriage publicly. Mine is blogging, his is Facebooking. So I wanted to tell my assistant to unmarry us because I don’t want to be linked to him online because I’m so sick of him. But Ryan P pointed out that if I do that, everyone would think that we got unmarried, “which would be worse than announcing that you’re married.” So I had my assistant fix it to say I’m married, but not say to whom.

5. You must keep talking. That’s the only way to make progress.
The other assignment we had from the marriage counselor was to have a conversation. Yes, that’s where we stand–we must be directed to talk with each other.

It takes us a while. I have been travelling a lot which throws off everyone’s schedule.

So on Friday night we put the kids to bed and we sit down to have our conversation. We sit on the kitchen floor because it’s already freezing in Madison and our house is hard to heat, but the kitchen is always warm. We sit across from each other on our impractical-for-a-kitchen but squishy-soft pink rugs. There is a soft hum from our refrigerator. There is an orange glow from the Halloween lights my son taped across the wall.

Our conversation topic is pre-selected for emotional safety: A book my husband’s reading. James Kunstler’s The Long Emergency: Surviving the End of Oil, Climate Change, and Other Converging Catastrophes of the Twenty-First Century.

My husband refers to this book as peak-oil literature. I am shocked to hear he’s reading anything at all because he spends so much time taking care of our kids.

He knows all the scenarios about what will happen if we cannot use technology to replace oil, and he feels strongly that it’s too late to make a difference with recycling. Here are things we talk about:

If we cannot transport food then we all have to farm. There will probably be a feudal system because only some people own farmable land.
Cuba is a test case for this. When they could not get oil from the Soviet Union, everyone had to farm. It has been deemed a success by agronomists.
There is some point when oil gets so expensive that it’s no longer useful for maintaining infrastructure and then infrastructure collapses and oil is worth nothing.
I ask a lot of questions. I find all this fascinating, and so does he. We talk about the author’s blog, Clusterfuck Nation, and I have a moment of blog-title envy. We talk about teaching our two kids to farm. From a book. Because how else would we know? And there really aren’t books like that because historically neighbors have taught each other. Besides, we would need oil to get the books to people.

I tell my husband that I like the idea of not having any oil. It’s a much more simple life, and it’s appealing to me. “We would need to live close to people we love. We’d spend a lot of time sitting on our pink rugs talking.”

Tips for Talking
Marriage Communication

Communicating effectively takes practice and a great deal of effort. Without communication, it is nearly impossible to resolve conflicts or grow your partnership. Whether you are in a troubled marriage, simply seeing the value of a “tune-up”, or seeking marriage help, here are some useful tips for communicating effectively within a marriage.
Realize that no one “wins” an argument. If you don’t leave a discussion with a possible solution to the problem, then neither party has been successful.

Compromise is an essential tool to solving problems through communication. Before bringing up a problem, make sure you have thought of ways that you can help solve it by mutual compromise.

Try to be positive when bringing up sensitive marital problems. Instead of jumping right into a discussion, open by acknowledging that every partnership could be improved and you’d like to take some time and discuss the things that are working in your relationship and the areas that could use improvement. It helps to start by talking about positive things and then moving into the deeper discussion on problem areas.

Be a “reflective” listener and make sure you understand what your partner has said. “What I hear you saying is…” is a great way to make sure the proper message has been received.

Feel free to use the “time out” card if the discussion gets too intense. If an argument gets heated and irrational, it is better to postpone the discussion to a time and place where effective communication can happen.

Make sure your body language, facial expressions and vocal tone are in line with your message. One study showed that 55% of the emotional meaning of what you say is expressed by your facial expression. While only 7% of the emotional meaning is verbal.

Be honest, direct and focus on the real issue. If you enter a conversation insecure about making your point — you probably won’t make it.

If you can’t come up with a definitive solution, at least try to end the conversation on a positive note like “I think it’s good we’ve both shared our feelings and we’ll continue to talk about it and try to come up with a better solution.”

Don’t ever be rude or talk down to your partner in a discussion about your relationship. Don’t dismiss an idea or thought as absurd, but instead listen to your partner’s point and then react with the reasons you disagree in a respectful manner.

Stay on track. If you sit down to talk about a financial problem and suddenly other emotional issues are coming up, realize that you may need to focus on one area at a time in order to create solutions instead of mere bickering.

Recognize when you need outside help to communicate effectively. A counselor or marriage retreat may help solve what seems to be an impossible communication problem.

Listen Up: How Honest Communication Can Save Your Marriage

Photo courtesy of kevindooley
Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Corey of The Simple Marriage Project.

Throughout my career as a marriage coach and a marriage and family therapist, the number one issue voiced by most couples is “we have trouble communicating.” It’s a common complaint. And many couples think they would benefit from communication training.

Many seem to think if they could better express themselves or if their spouse would only listen and understand what they mean then things in the marriage would dramatically improve. “Maybe if I learned to be more assertive and use more ‘I’ statements we’d have less problems.” While the thought may be genuine and the results of actually implementing some of these techniques may improve the marriage a bit, in my experience the improvements won’t be lasting.

When you get right down to it, communication in marriage is not about being understood by each other, communication is about handling what another person thinks and feels. You see, married couples don’t have trouble communicating. They communicate all too well.

In a committed relationship, you can not not communicate (pardon the double negative).

Communication problems happen because you don’t like what the other person has to say. For instance, you may want your spouse to be more emotionally open and share their feelings, but you interrupt them when they say things you find unpleasant or disagree with (in your view, you may just want to keep the conversation “accurate”). You want a more expressive spouse, but want to control what they express.

Even if you are not talking to each other, you’re still communicating. You each know you don’t want to hear what the other has to say.

Communication break downs occur because you don’t like what the other person is saying, or not saying, not because you can’t communicate. Communicating in marriage is all about being able to handle the message.

When two people are able to handle the message, honesty increases. And when honesty in a relationship increases, you grow more as an individual and closer together. Through this growth you are capable of reaching new levels of passion and intimacy.

So in an effort to grow closer to you loyal Zen Habits readers, I’ll be honest. I’m writing this guest post in the hopes that Simple Marriage’s message will spread and more people will discover ways to get more out of marriage and life. I also hope you’ll benefit from this post and the passion level in your relationships and life will increase… I feel closer to you already.

But being honest with you is not the same as being honest with a spouse. It’s more and more difficult to be honest in each relationship up the hierarchy of importance. As the importance of the person increases, often the level of deep honesty decreases. Largely because their reactions to what you truly think mean more to you and involve more risk.

So my wife calls me up and asks how my morning was. I respond with “good, just writing away.” When in reality, I wasted the entire morning reading other blogs and searching for the latest gadget that will change my life forever. I don’t want to admit to her that I’m lazy. That means I’m admitting it to myself as well.

Or you’re sitting on the beach with your spouse as an attractive member of the opposite sex walks by. At that moment your spouse asks you what you’re thinking, do you tell them?

Being honest brings about growth in yourself and your spouse. If your thoughts are totally inappropriate in the beach scenario, you probably don’t share them with your spouse. But what does your honesty, or lack of honesty, say about you?

So how do you increase the honesty in marriage?

1. Speak up. By speaking up I’m not saying that you remove the filter between your brain and mouth, but speak up more. How often do you avoid replying or bringing something up out of fear of your partner’s reaction? There are times when you need to speak up in order to help your marriage and each other grow.

Many couples fall victim to thinking “if my spouse really cared about me, they’d be able to figure out what I’m feeling or thinking.” What part of your vows stated you’d read each other’s minds for as long as you both shall live? I’m guessing that wasn’t part of the ceremony.

Stop sitting back waiting for your spouse to pick up on the fact that you’re frustrated, pissed, hurt, or lonely and speak up. Two things will happen. One, you will grow up a bit more because you’ve taken charge of your thoughts and emotions and two, your partner will grow up because you’re treating them like an adult who’s capable of handling your thoughts and emotions.

2. Make the obvious, obvious. If you’ve had a stressful day at work, when you come home you know it’s likely to be stressful there as well, right? So rather than letting the elephant in the room (the stress level in your life) walk around freely, point it out before you and your spouse get in to it.

A simple “hey honey, good to see you, (kiss), I’d like about 5 minutes to decompress from my day before I hear about your day, alright?”

Another way to make the obvious obvious is when the discussion starts to get heated, point it out. When you raise your voice in a conversation, it’s no longer about what’s best for all the people involved, it’s about your power and your pride.

3. Grow up. Many people go kicking and screaming into adulthood. I was one of them. I wanted things my way! Still do at times. I used to think that life was all about me. And problems occurred when other people didn’t know this.

Marriage grows you up. Living with another person forces you to grow up. And just when it seems your spouse is done growing you up, your kids take over. That’s a simple fact of marriage.

Recognize this and harness the energy it creates. Rather than seeing your spouse as someone who doesn’t get you, see them as someone who may want more from you. They may be looking for an erotic lover, a passionate friend, a warrior, a true supporter, or simply a partner in life’s adventure.

Marriage Communication

As I fly around the country, the person sitting next to me on an airplane will often ask me what I do. When I tell the person that I direct the Marriage Enrichment Programs at Family Dynamics, he or she often asks me questions about marriage.

Eventually, the conversation turns to the role of communication in marriage. When it does, I’m often asked what I think are the vital aspects of good communication, and by implication, what makes for bad communication. When asked, I include five components of good communication.

Good communication in marriage is respectful.

In our Dynamic Marriage course, we discuss what Dr. Willard Harley calls “disrespectful judgments.” Sarcasm, ridicule, judgmental statements and accusations, and put downs fit into this category. Good communication avoids all such disrespect. This is another way of saying that good communication is qualitative. Just listen to couples talking to each other. Do you hear condescension or sarcastic responses to honest statements and questions? Do you hear one partner make fun of the other’s mispronunciations or poor grammar? Do you hear a spouse berating or criticizing the other’s choices or decisions? Do you hear one spouse trying to intimidate the other into submission? Do you observe eye-rolling in responses to honest thoughts from the other? Now, analyze the way you talk to your spouse? Is your communication respectful, or does it show grave disrespect?

Good communication in marriage is quantitative.

Most couples engage in meaningful conversation less than 15 minutes per week. Two-income families trying to enable the children to participate in every available recreational activity only makes a viable solution more difficult to discover. The problem is not insurmountable, however, as long as we take advantage of multi-tasking.

Good conversation can occur while participating in other activities. Talk while taking a walk, when working around the house together, while enduring a television commercial, when conducting family meetings, and while driving together to church, the grocery store, or a movie. Couples intent on quantitative as well as qualitative communication seize every possible moment to talk respectfully with one another.

Good communication in marriage is a two-way street.

While effective, respectful talking is essential in good communication, respectful listening is also vital. Bad communication begins with one spouse dominating the conversation, but the listener can also ensure bad communication. A lack of eye contact, negative facial gestures, or disengaged body language also stymies good communication.

Watch a couple at the airport or in the food court at a shopping mall talk to one another. Does one spouse dominate the conversation? Does he interrupt his spouse when she tries to get in a few words of self-defense or alternate viewpoint? Does the dominant voice refuse to really listen? If so, this conversation is not a two-way street and is doomed to be at best, poor communication.

Good communication in marriage probes for more insight.

No matter how well conceived and how well stated, most listeners fail to grasp the full meaning of the speaker, especially the subtle nuances. The only way to overcome the unnecessary miscues in conversation is to ask questions. To maintain good communication, however, the questions must be asked respectfully and courteously.

Responses like, “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard; don’t you mean to say . . . ?” probe but are incredibly disrespectful. On the other hand, an introductory statement to a question like “Please forgive my inability to keep up with you, but I need to ask a question about what you just said” is both probing and respectful.

Good communication in marriage is honest.

Any spouse who learns that his spouse lied about something wonders from then on if the truth is on the table when any issue arises. Tragically, lying brings long-term consequences that most spouses fail to consider before twisting the truth. Honesty, however, is not merely avoiding falsehood. Honesty also means that we refuse to avoid sharing information that our spouse has the right to know and would want to know. Why would we avoid sharing such information? Usually, we either fear judgment from our spouse if we admit our failings, or we fear hurting our spouse’s feelings.

Good communication in marriage does not hide, distort, or evade the truth from the other. But honest communication doesn’t necessitate cruelty just for the sake of honesty. Respectful honesty is the key phrase.

By Terry Northcutt, Director of Marriage Enrichment Programs at Family Dynamics Institute.

Married Sex: How to Keep Sex Exciting
By Francesca Di Meglio, About.com

See More About:sexrelationshipsmarriage
Married sex is not a death sentence despite the rumors. “You should know that sexual exploration is a life-long process that doesn’t stop when you get married,” says Cory Silverberg, the guide to sexuality for About.com and an AASECT-certified sex educator. In fact, marriage could mark the beginning of a whole new chapter in your sexual adventures. Here are Silverberg’s tips on making married sex exciting:

Don’t be afraid of sexual ruts.
Let’s face it. There are going to be times when having sex will be difficult – when one of you is under stress, if you have a baby, if one of you just loses a bit of interest in sex for a while for whatever reason, when you’re in-laws are staying with you. That’s perfectly natural, and it does not mean the end of your marriage. “Sexuality ebbs and flows,” says Silverberg. It’s better to just accept that fact and not get caught up in the fact that you’re in a sexual rut. Don’t buy into society’s rules about what your sex life should be.
Keep the lines of communication open.
Neither one of you can read minds. Therefore, you have to talk to each other about your likes, dislikes, fears, and concerns. Sex gets better with intimacy, and you can only have intimacy if you speak to one another openly and honestly about anything that is on your mind. Sex talk can really improve your sex life and your marriage.
Embrace the on-going discovery of each other.
The myth that the mystery is gone simply because you’re married is just that – a myth. You can not possibly know everything about your husband or wife. Talking and having sex with each other will help you learn new things about your spouse’s body and personality.
Be open to trying new things.
“This does not mean that you get married and have to tie each other up or watch erotic movies,” says Silverberg. He adds you can do that stuff if you’d like. But it’s less important that you try more adventurous things, says Silverberg, than you have a sexual spirit that wants to help your spouse learn new things about your body. The two of you should be working together to define and create a fulfilling sex life for yourselves without worrying about how others define adventurous sex.
Remember that a sex manual is not a bible.
You can pick up a sex manual or read about sex online if you’re curious. But sexuality is deeply personal. The goal of sex – what you and your husband or wife would like to get out of having sex – is decided by the two of you. The goal will probably change over time, and that’s decided by the two of you as well. No book can make these decisions for you. Only the two of you know what you need, why, when, etc.
There are no frequency limits or rules.
If you and your partner are happy with having sex once a year, then that is perfectly fine. There is no connection, says Silverberg, between how much sex you have and your sexual happiness and health. Have sex once a year or once a day, whatever pleases the two of you. But if one of you wants more or less sex than the other, then you have to work things out together. It’s common to have different amounts of interest in sex, so don’t make yourself sick with worry about it.
Keep in mind the benefits of married sex.
Although the benefits can also be drawbacks, consider them. As a married person, you don’t have to be concerned with the possibility of sex. You and your husband or wife have someone with whom to have sex, and it is up to you to make the time for it.
By being with someone you love and trust, you can take your sexual relationship deeper and you are probably less fearful of taking risks. “Even if your husband or wife is freaked out by a sexual desire you’ve shared, he or she is probably not going to run away,” says Silverberg. Indeed, knowing your husband or wife — and his or her body — well can lead to different kinds of touch, the willingness to change sexual positions, and the desire to take more risks in general.