Sexual abuse is a surreal experience in my mind. I used to ask myself if I was really abused or imagined it. I am fortunate to be in a constant state of healing over the years, rather than let abuse continue to drag me down. That isn’t to say I only have good days, there are bad days too. In moments of pain or confusion or anger I remind myself to be bold and make a stand. When I say, “At this moment I am hurting over the abuse of my past” really helps me to let go of the past while acknowledging my whole self at that moment. Some days are hard, and I wonder how I can make a difference in this world. There is hope, and hope is within each one of us. My heart goes out to each one of you, and I offer the hope within myself to you too. By holding hands with our own pain, we can then hold hands with each others pain and heal together. Today I am planting seeds of love and hope within my heart, and I am scattering them in your hearts too. The seeds will grow whether you water them with tears of sadness or tears of joy.
by Allyon 17 Feb 2006

I know it sounds stupid, but I never really thought that real people were raped; they were always fictional characters in magazine articles or faceless silhouettes on TV shows. So, looking back, I guess I just always took my mum’s worrying with a shrug and casual nod any time I went out clubbing or drinking with my friends. Probably like most of my friends still do today. The night it happened, I was still in a post-break-up/teenage phase of drinking too much and having a good time with my girl friends. I was 18 and probably quite naive. I had only ever had one serious relationship before, and it was a happy, respectful one. There was never any pressure to go the whole way, and we never did. We were both young, and things gradually came to an end in our relationship anyway, before we took that step.
It happened at a school friend’s birthday party, surrounded by the people I had grown up with through high school and 6th form. I felt totally at ease, in a fun and giggly party mood with people I trusted. I had only gone out with a fiver, but friends bought me drinks, as we always did whenever one of us was broke at the time. This is including the guy that did it. Yeah, we were friends, we had gone through high school together, been in the same classes, shared jokes and songs together in the past, celebrated each others’ birthdays. It makes me sick to think it now. I can literally feel it in the back of my throat as I write.

This guy bought me quite a few drinks throughout the night. We danced, got a bit flirty due to the alcohol, and kissed on the dance floor. I don’t actually remember this bit, I was too drunk by then, but a couple of my friends filled me in days later. Anyway, he then took my hand and led me outside “to get some fresh air” and I foolishly followed without a second thought.
What happened next I can only remember in pieces really, painful flashbacks in my head like something from a horror movie and two things that he said that will stick with me like a never-ending echo: “suck my c*ck” and “you’re over him now, aren’t you.” It wasn’t a question, and I can only assume he was talking about my ex, who he had always been quite good friends with as well. I could hardly stand, never mind cry out. All I could manage was a feeble slur “ow” when he was doing it, slumped against that cold brick wall with my tights and underwear pulled down as he had left them. I didn’t even know what was happening until I felt the sharp pains. It knocked the breath out of me. When he finished, I think I must have gone straight into shock. I numbly pulled up my tights and he took my hand and took me back nearer to the entrance of the building, then told me he’d see me later and left. One of my friends came up to me looking worried. Apparently people had been looking for me for ages. I blurted out what happened. She had no idea what to do. I wouldn’t have had either. She hadn’t been drinking that night so that she could drive, and the pre-arranged plan was for her to drive five of us to a club in town after the party. I sat in the front with three others behind us. Apparently my mum called my mobile at that point to check up on things, and I answered it and sounded normal. I almost didn’t believe my friend when she told me about that after. I have absolutely no memory of it whatsoever. Looking back, I know I was in total shock.

My friend didn’t know what to do; she asked if I wanted her to take me home, I apparently just shook my head numbly, so she drove to the club like she was supposed to. I feel so bad for her now. She must have been at such a loss as to what to do. I didn’t speak a word the whole time we were in the car or in the queue for the club, just stared straight ahead, not seeing anything. When we got inside I burst into tears and we told my other friend what had happened, and they took me back to her house. We went to bed.
Next morning I lay there with my eyes open for god knows how long. My friend made me call the doctors but they were closed because it was the weekend. I hung up and told her I had to get home. As soon as I was home I told my younger sister, who was 16 at the time. I was so frightened and humiliated; I just did exactly what she told me to. I couldn’t think. She was so good. She took me to get the morning-after pill, which we had to buy from a shop in town, and looked after me all day. My mum and dad noticed something was wrong with me later on. I told them I didn’t feel well. Later in the evening I told my mum with my sister. I think it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but somehow I choked out the words. She was hysterical, distraught. She called the police, and they confirmed it could be classed as rape, and it was up to me if I wanted to press charges. There was no way I could make any decisions, I just cried. My mum told my dad the next day for me, I couldn’t do it again. My sister slept in my room with me for the next few nights; I just didn’t want to be alone.

I felt so sick, humiliated, ashamed, angry, and alone and frightened, despite people being there for me. There were only a very few people who knew about it, including my ex and another mutual male friend. They had taken the guy home, as had been planned before the party. My friend told me that in the car the guy had laughed about it. That’s how they knew something had happened. Later on I told my male friend about it. He said he hadn’t realised, so I don’t know what the guy actually said to them. He denied it was rape though.
Apparently my ex didn’t know who to believe, he was torn between one of his best mates and his ex-girlfriend. It killed me that he was still in touch with the guy, still spoke to him. Months later we talked about it to each other directly for the first time. To be honest I don’t even know today exactly where he stands with it, even though he did apologise and tell me he was there for me. I don’t think I want to know though. It would destroy me if I found out he was still friends with that evil, twisted son of a b*tch.

I trusted that guy. We had all been friends. I was so deluded. He had a bit of a reputation with girls, but I always thought he showed a different side of himself to me. It was like he was a bit of rough with a soft side, and I trusted him. Obviously I was stupid and wrong. He has caused me more pain than I ever thought possible, and I wait for the day that he gets what is coming to him, what he deserves. Since this happened 11 months ago, I have caught glimpses of this guy a couple of times, when I have been out in town at home, back from university in the holidays. I don’t think he has seen me. When I saw him, even for those split seconds, I froze for a second, numb with fear and went stone cold all over, feeling like I was going to be sick and faint at the same time, then turned and ran to the nearest toilets and locked myself in a cubicle, shaking all over and crying. It makes me sick that I had to see him again when he should be in jail for what he has done to me. But it’s my word against his. What can I do.

Everyday I think about what has happened in some form or another and I don’t think it is going to go away. They say “time’s a healer” but as the months go on there are always going to be those little things that remind me of him and what he has done. A million different things can trigger something and I’m brought back to that night in a second and it hurts so much. Without fail it leaves me feeling so desperately alone and helpless again. No one knows what to do or say, and it is so frustrating, because I don’t even know myself what I want them to do or say. I feel guilty, too, that they have to hear about it. It sounds ridiculous.

Sorry this is so long, I had to get it out. I’ve never tried doing this before, but after reading others’ stories, I hope that it is going to at least help me try and let it go. Thanks for giving me the opportunity.
by Anon girlon 13 Feb 2006

I was raped. I guess I just needed to admit that. I know it was not my fault but I have trouble dealing with it that way. I hate this feeling. It is terrible.
by Shawnie on 30 Mar 2006

My .story will seem small in comparison but between the ages 8 and 12 I was sexually assaulted by my cousin Jordan. I am now 13. The worst part was that when it wasn’t happening I almost wished that it was. I felt used, unloved and alone. I know there are other people like me but I wish I were all alone, then no one would have to feel the pain that I have felt and feel. The first person I confided in was my best friend, Kelsey. She was supportive but didn’t really think to much about it. Then I told my friends Corrine and Erin, they both told me that I had to tell one of my school counselors. I wasn’t to sure but I decided that as long as my two shining stars were with me, I’d be alright. There was a draw back though. The day I was to talk to my school counselor, Mrs.Hubbard, I accidentally broke my friend Corrines’ thumb. So Erin came with me. Mrs. Hubbard was really supportive, but she had to tell my school principal. She didn’t say any names though. She told me that I had to tell my parents, and this is where things got tough. I told my parents the day before valentines day. They said I didn’t have to speak or be alone with him ever again. Then they said he probably didn’t know what he was doing but the thing is he did, they most likely will never be able to accept that..

Jordan ruined my life, but I’m pretty sure I can’t let it go. I will never forgive him . At least not yet I’m not ready yet. I haven’t got into the dating scene yet but I currently like a really nice guy named Tal.

This part of my life is over and done, I just hope that no one will ever have to experience what I went through ever again. But the world isn’t perfect and remember no matter how many bad people there may seem to be ion this planet, there are always more good ones.
by Bonnie on 29 Mar 2006

I was 20. I started dating Zack my junior year of College. The first time he raped me I was on my way to church. I was deeply religious then and invited him to join me at church every Sunday. I went over to his apartment which was next door to mine. When I got into his apartment he was in his living room typing some forgotten paper for some forgotten English class. All of his roommates had gone to church and he was the only one there. I said that I was on my way to church and that if he hurried he could go with me. I liked that he wasn’t offended when I invited him he usually just said “No thanks” that church wasn’t “his thing”. This Sunday, however he seemed upset by something. Maybe it was the class that he was writing the paper for, maybe I was offending him by inviting him to church, I don’t know. All I knew at the time was that he was upset and that I felt the need to make him feel better. I didn’t want to leave him there feeling bad, especially since I would be gone to church for three plus hours. He didn’t like me going to church he said that I was trying to get away from him. I would often come home between classes if I had any time at all so I could see him or more so he could see me. This day he convinced me to skip church and spend the afternoon with him. We sat on his couch talking with some movie on in the background. I was wearing a pink sundress with a cardigan sweater. He started to kiss me and lay next to me on the couch and I was fine with this. He had made-out before and I enjoyed physical affection. By “made-out” I mean kissing and hugging no touching in private areas. He was trying to put his hand up my skirt and I kept telling him no and putting his hand on my back. He was very aware of my boundaries, I laid them out very clearly and other than him touching my breast a couple of times I had kept to them. But no matter how much I laid down the law he would always test my limits. This day was different he was far more aggressive and I was having a hard time keeping his hands where I was comfortable with them. I finally got up and told him that I was leaving. He promised to be good and I believed him. After I sat back down with him and we started kissing again it happened. He was being aggressive again but this time was different. Usually I could move his hands away and he would let me but this time he wouldn’t let me. He put his hand on my breast and when I tried to move it he wouldn’t budge. I remember him pulling my skirt up and thinking “How do I make this stop?” I was crying at this point. I couldn’t speak I just pulled my knees toward my chest and tried to hold my legs together. In this position he was able to pull my panties off and then he entered me. I cried from the pain. After two or three thrusts he pulled out and I saw the blood of my hymen on his penis. Seeing that, I just gave up. I thought “I’m not a virgin anymore what am I fighting for?” I just let him finish. I was so ashamed. All of my friends at the time were saving themselves for marriage and so was I and now it was all gone. The whole incident played over and over again in my mind and the only thing I thought was that I did fight enough. I pulled my legs up and he must have thought it was an invitation. It was all my fault. After that I lost all sense of self-worth. Zack started hitting me and calling me names and controlling my life and I just let him. I remember him saying things like “If you’d just relax and stop fighting it wouldn’t hurt so much” when he was forcing himself on me. I still blame myself and have told no one this story but I had to get it out there. I don’t know why I’m writing this I just know that if this story lived inside me for any longer it was going to destroy me from the inside.
by miss jon 3 Apr 2006

Jaz
Resolved QuestionShow me another »
Have you or someone you know been a victim of sexual abuse as a child? How has it affected you as an adult?
I am 15 yrs. old and my dad raped me twice when I was 12 and once when I was 14. I’m dealing with it exceptionally well, so says my therapist and I’m doing an editorial on the affects of sexual child abuse and since I’m not an adult yet I’d like to know about some adults who were abused as children. Thank you.

Ash
Best Answer – Chosen by Voters

I was sexually abused by 3 different cousins from the ages of 4 thru 12. My parents found out about the cousin that was abusing me when I was younger, but he started it again once I was a little older, about 8 or so. I never said anything when the abuse started again, because I didn’t think they would believe me, and I felt guilty for letting it happen. He told another cousin what he was doing, so he started abusing me too, as payment for his silence. The third cousin was female, and that abuse finally stopped when I was about 10 or so. For a long time, I felt so guilty and I let the depression get so bad, that I became a teenage alcoholic and I got hooked on drugs. I put myself in situations where I was venerable to sexual abuse all the time. Finally I realized that I was throwing my life away. I cleaned up my act, I gave my heart to God, and I live each day for Him. I am married, with a beautiful little girl and a great job. Sexual abuse only effects your future as much as you let it. It’s not our fault that it happens to us, but, we have to seek help as soon as possible so we can mentally recover. But it sounds like you are doing great. Just stay on the right track.

Hopefully Helpful

I have been sexually abused growing up.
I have had lifelong depression.
I am not in any kind of close relationship and never have been. I have PTSD.
Getting physically close to another person causes anxiety.
I am very lonely.
I am glad you are getting help while you are still young.
I have high hopes for you. Good Luck.
1 year ago

i have a couple of friends who have been abused as well. one is a basketcase. the other is such a well rounded woman you would never know she ever had sadness in her life.

we all things in our life that arent good. its how you decide to move on from there that matters.

Kathryn R
I was sexually abused when I was 9 and than again when I was in my teens. Yes, it’s affected my whole life and the way that I look at men out side of my family. I was first diagnosed with depression shortly after that and I’ve been dealing with it ever since.

Introfee…
I know three people who were sexually abused. Two are suicidal and clinically depressed even though they are adults now. They also have some very esquisit rage. The other one seems normal. All 3 are gay.

junkiemo…
I’m 20 now, abused when I was 6-8. I’ve never recovered from it and my family (it wasn’t a relative who did it) just ignore that whole area of my life because it’s shameful to them. I’ve never talked to anyone about it but I think if something was done at the time to help like counseling, I wouldn’t be so screwed up now. My family didn’t believe in therapists or anything like that and now i’m an adult, it just seems too late to fix.
I’ve never had a girlfriend/relationship and I don’t have any friends in general as I find it impossible to trust anyone enough to get close.

Sooka
I was abused when I was 5. I think it affected my sexuality as I was going through puberty and becoming a young woman.. sort of gave me the wrong idea about sex and what it all means. I had to grow up and become involved in an emotionally difficult relationship to really be able to see the big picture.

I am now 26 and I have an aggression problem. I also have a bipolar/anxiety thing but I don’t attribute that to my past, although I could probably find a link. All of my friends are guys. I do not get along with most females. There are things that remind me of details from those times, certain types of furniture, magazines, etc, but I do my best to not get wrapped up in it. I would kill the man who did it if I could without penalty. Luckily for him, he’s already serving a life sentence for murder.

Kel
i was raped for 2 years starting when i was 7. it was a very close male family member.
Now i do not trust men. i think they are all the same and that they cannot be trusted. i dont get emotionally attached. Whenever i am in an intimate situation it is very hard because i remember what happend when i was younger. my parents never found out what happend and it took me 9 years to tell evern my closest friend. i have never spoken to a therapist. every day i wonder when this will stop haunting me

Are You A Victim Of Abuse?

Learn how to assess your interactions with others and decide whether you are tolerating mental/emotional abuse.

Perhaps you have wondered if your life includes tolerating abusive behavior from others. Abuse can happen on many different fronts, including: physical, verbal (mental/emotional), sexual, financial, social. Unless human beings are educated to learn what abuse is, there is a strong tendency for people to tolerate highly inappropriate or abusive behavior and minimize, rationalize, and justify it.

If you are being physically abused, you probably know it, but perhaps not. There is a tendency to make light of behaviors which should not be tolerated. For example, a wife may say that her husband didn’t hit her with a closed fist, he just shoved her. Or, a man may say of his fiance, “She pushes me and slaps me, but she never has broken any bones.” He is not attempting to be funny; rather, he is justifying staying in the relationship. If you are being hit, with open palm or closed fist, if you are being punched, slapped, shoved, thrown, bitten or encountering any other form of behavior where you are the target of another physically assaulting you, do not excuse it. Call it what it is: abuse. Do what you can to get your abuser to get help and if s/he won’t, leave. Your safety is the paramount issue here.

Perhaps mental/emotional abuse is the most common type of abuse, the least understood, and the type which leaves the most lasting scars. Physical wounds heal, although they should never have to be endured. Words which belittle, demean, put down, hurt, call names, shame another are all forms of verbally abusive behavior and do damage that can endure for a lifetime.

There is one key question to ask yourself to determine if you are being abused: “Am I ‘walking on eggshells?’.” If the answer is yes, you are a victim of abuse. What does it mean to walk on eggshells? Do you assess the mood of the person who is abusing you in order to know how to behave? Do you try to adjust your behavior in order to make sure you will not anger or upset the other person? Are you aware of the most common things which “trigger” an angry outburst and do all you can to avoid having that happen in order to keep the peace? These are examples of “walking on eggshells” and no person should have to live in such a manner. You deserve to be and feel safe in all the environments in which your daily life occurs. You deserve the opportunity to be yourself and to be spontaneous. If you are living in a manner in which you feel you do all the adjusting in order to not upset, anger, or enrage another person, you are a victim of abuse.

If you find you make excuses for the behavior of another, e.g. “He’s always crabby around the holidays”, you are tolerating abusive behavior.
If you are chronically being put down, called names, demeaned, devalued, not affirmed in your feelings and beliefs, you are being abused. If you notice a pattern of abuse occurring, it is your right and responsibility to learn how to stand up for yourself, stop tolerating inappropriate and/or abusive behavior, and start treating yourself well.

Domestic violence is not limited to the physical realm, but can indeed take form in any of the arenas listed at the beginning of this article. If you are being sexually involved with someone when you really do not want to be, you are tolerating sexual abuse. If you find that you are saying of sexual encounters, “Oh, I’ll do it and she will be happy. It’s not that bad. I’ll just do it and get it over with”, you are allowing yourself to be sexually abused. And, of course, if you are being forced to engage in sex against your will, you are being raped, the most serious form of sexual abuse.

You may find that you have no access to money which is supposed to belong to both of you. You may walk around without even five dollars on your person. You may find that you are afraid to ask for something new. Your underwear may be limited to three pair which look more like rags than clothing. You may be being denied any part in decisions which involve expenditures. You may be told that you cannot go out to work. If these things are happening to you, you are allowing yourself to be financially abused.

Perhaps you are living a life in which you are socially isolated because you are told that you cannot go anywhere. You may be asked by your spouse to account for every minute of your whereabouts. You may live with a person who calls home several times a day to ascertain if you are home. You may be forbidden to go out with your friends or even to the grocery store alone. If these descriptions fit your life, you are allowing yourself to be socially abused.

The question you need to ask yourself to extricate yourself from any of the situations outlined above is: What is it about me that I allow myself to be treated in such a manner?

Take a good, hard, long look at yourself and your sense of self-worth. Call a domestic violence shelter and talk to a counselor about your situation and ask her opinion about how you are living. Make and keep an appointment with a counselor experienced in treating abuse victims and explore what your life is like. Ask yourself if you would like your children to live as you are doing. Begin to make a plan that will allow you to be treated as you would like. Tune into the cycle of abuse in which the following three phases repeatedly occur: 1. There is a buildup of tension. You can feel this and know that another outburst is likely to occur soon. 2. There is the release of tension provided by some form of violence or abuse. 3. Last comes the “honeymoon period” during which the abuser states how sorry he is, how it won’t happen again. Flowers, candy, treats of some kind are likely to be given at this time. The abuser may cry or at the least swear that this is the last time. Ask yourself if the pattern occurs in your ife and how long you intend to tolerate living such a life. Begin to take action that will change your life so that you can begin to live as you deserve.

In summary, domestic violence is not limited to the physical realm, but also includes abuse in the emotional/mental, sexual, financial, and social areas. It is up to you to find out why you are tolerating such behavior. There is help out there and you can get it if you make the effort. A key question to ask yourself as you take a hard look at your life is, “Do I feel as if I’m ‘walking on eggshells?’”. No one deserves to be treated in a manner that devalues and demeans. Ask yourself what you can do to free yourself from a life of abuse. Take responsibility for yourself and do whatever it takes to free yourself from a life of being abused.

Couples Counseling

Couple’s counseling is based on the premise that individuals and their problems are best handled within the context of the couple’s relationship. Typically, both partners in the relationship attend the counseling session to discuss the couple’s specific issues. The aim of couple’s counseling is to help a couple deal appropriately with their immediate problems and to learn better ways of relating in general.

Couples therapy or couple’s counseling is a useful modality of help for couples who are experiencing difficulties such as repetitive arguments, feelings of distance or emptiness in the relationship, pervasive feelings of anger, resentment and or dissatisfaction or lack of interest in affection or in a physical relationship with one another.1

According to the 2000 Census the majority of American society chose to reside or live with a partner. 52% of US households are maintained by married couples, and there is an increase in the number of couples living together from 3.3 million in 1990 to 5.5 million in 2000.2 Nationwide in 2000, there were 21,000 marriage and family therapists helping couples work through and deal with their relationship issues.3

In a review of the literature through mid-1996, Pinsof, Wynne, and Hambright (1996: Pinsof & Wynne, 1995) concluded that significant data exists support the efficacy of family and couples therapy and that there is no evidence indicating that couples are harmed when they undergo treatment.4

Research outcomes on couples counseling suggest the following:

At the end of couple’s therapy, 75% of couples receiving therapy are better off than similar couples who did not receive therapy.
Sixty five percent of couples report “significant” improvement based on averaged scores of marital “satisfaction.”
Most couples will benefit from therapy, but both spouses will not necessarily experience the same outcomes or benefits.
Therapies that produce the greatest gain and are able to maintain that gain over the long amount of time, tend to affect the couple’s emotional bonds and help the spouse’s work together to achieve a greater level of “differentiation” or emotional maturity.5
In determining as a couple what type of therapist that you wish to receive treatment from keep in mind that according to a large-scale survey of over 4,000 Consumer Reports readers showed in 1995, people in therapy generally rated psychologists, clinical social workers, and psychiatrists about as equally effective in helping their clients.6

Couples today feel increasingly isolated and are expected to manage their lives and families without the community supports that in the past were a primary resource in raising children and meeting family needs. Couples in our present culture are less bound by family traditions and are freer than ever before to develop relationships unlike those of the families that they were raised in.7

With the aid of a qualified clinician, couples can bring peace, stability and communication back into their relationship thus affecting their lives and the lives of those most impacted by them and their relationship.

Ask A free Question of your choice

Ask a question regarding relationships, intimacy and sex and I will answer you. Just give me an email that I can respond to you with and I will give you my opinion.

Question;

Email:

Thank you,
Robert Heard

Build a Better Relationship: Use Your Emotions to Deepen Intimacy

Emotions are an important part of every life and therefore an important part of every relationship. Learning to use your emotions as a tool to create a deeper connection with your partner can take your relationship to the next level.
Whether or not you consider yourself an “emotional” person, there’s no doubt about it: emotions play a central role in your relationship and in building a deeper level of intimacy. When you share your feelings, you communicate directly about your needs and the deepest parts of yourself.

Feelings aren’t random–your feelings are in response to something. Think of your emotions as messengers, letting your partner know what is important to you, what is already working in the relationship, and what might need improvement. Your emotions also mirror your passions and dreams, your desires and fears.

Why do emotions play such a pivotal role in your relationship?

There are numerous pathways to deeper intimacy. One is through the communication and sharing of feelings. The feelings that you and your partner experience together are the breath that give life to your marriage or relationship. Emotions and intimacy go hand in hand.

When you try to marginalize your feelings so that they aren’t a part of your relationship, intimacy suffers.

Learn to listen to your emotions

The first step in using your emotions to create deeper intimacy is to identify what you are feeling.

The second step is to communicate your feelings in a way that will foster intimacy and create a mutual understanding between you and your partner. It will always be easier to share positive feelings than feelings that might elicit defensiveness in your spouse or partner.

To help reduce the likelihood that your partner will become defensive, ask yourself the following question before discussing sensitive issues: “How can I talk about these feelings and my needs so that my partner will be open and responsive to what I’m saying?”

Learn to clarify your emotions

Sometimes your feelings will be easy to recognize and give you direction in your relationship, while at other times they will be nebulous and confusing.

When your feelings are unclear to you, give them the time and space they need to take shape. Like a mound of clay waiting to be shaped into a sculpture, some feelings will need time and attention before becoming well defined.

One way to gain clarity is to monitor your physical reactions (physical sensations are often an important part of feelings). Ask yourself, “What are these physical sensations trying to tell me?” “What needs lie behind this experience?”

Don’t worry if answers don’t immediately appear–revisit these questions as needed (as well as any other questions that invite introspection). Many find journaling helpful as a way to clarify underlying emotions and needs.

While feelings are an important part of intimacy, trouble can arise when your feelings are guided by certain assumptions. See if you hold any of the assumptions listed below.

Unhealthy assumptions about feelings and your relationship

~My spouse or partner should know what I’m feeling without me having to say anything.

Reading another person’s feelings is tricky business, even when you think you know someone really well. Ultimately, only you know what you are feeling and the best way to have your partner know this is for you to directly tell him/her.

~If I’m feeling something, it must be true

Be open to the possibility that some of your feelings might reflect past emotional baggage and therefore have to do more with your own personal issues than your relationship as a whole.

~Once I tell my partner what I’m feeling, everything will be O.K.

You can never be certain how your partner is going to react to your feelings. Think of your feelings as a starting point, an entryway to the goal of healthy communication and deeper intimacy.

~I should talk about every feeling I experience

Being in a relationship is about compromise and negotiation. At times your feelings will need to be placed on a shelf so that you can empathize with your partner’s experience. However, if your feelings are typically ignored, then there is an imbalance in your relationship and you and your partner will need to make adjustments in order to strike a healthy balance.

To discover other ways to create a deeper, more intimate relationship visit the link given below and sign up for Dr. Nicastro’s free Relationship Toolbox Newsletter.

As a bonus, you will receive the popular free reports: “The four mindsets that can topple your relationship” and “Relationship self-defense: Control the way you argue…before your arguments control you.”

Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. is a psychologist and relationship coach who is passionate about helping couples protect the sanctuary of their relationship. Rich and his wife Lucia founded LifeTalk Coaching, an internet-based coaching business that helps couples strengthen their relationships.
LifeTalk Coaching
Relationship and Marital Advice, free resources to help build a stronger relationship
By Richard Nicastro
Published: 6/25/2008

Ten tips to building a better relationship

BY BARTON GOLDSMITH
SCRIPPS HOWARD NEWS SERVICE

Published: Sunday, October 28, 2007 at 6:30 a.m.
Last Modified: Friday, October 26, 2007 at 2:47 p.m.
If you are not feeling satisfied in your relationship, these tips will help you achieve that very important goal.

1. Recognize each other for your commitment and caring. The No. 1 motivator of people is recognition. Letting someone you love know he or she has added to your life just by being present is one of the highest compliments you can give.

2. Share in creating a positive and emotionally comfortable living environment. Love cannot thrive in a negative environment. If you have developed a “downer” lifestyle, where neither one of you tries to lift the other out of the doldrums, it prevents both of you from finding emotional and even physical comfort – no matter how great your lifestyle.

3. Make your relationship meaningful. Work together to create something worthwhile. Everyone wants to be part of something greater than they are. Whether it’s contributing to your community, your faith or the world, doing it as a couple will add depth and a sense of higher purpose to your relationship.

4. Be responsible for your actions. If you make a mistake, own up to it sooner rather than later and always do it completely. This gets it out of the way of your relationship and allows easier healing because neither of you has given the problem time to fester and grow.

5. Be accountable for your commitments. When you make a promise, keep it. Not remaining faithful to your word erodes the trust necessary for a relationship to not just stay alive but to thrive.

6. Balance the work and the rewards. Trade off household duties every now and then; it will help you and your partner feel you are in a balanced relationship. If you are in a relationship where one of you works and the other takes care of the home and children, you need to make sure the stay-at-home partner has equal access to the income and benefits that are brought into the relationship.

7. Help each other grow and learn. Encourage your partner to take care of himself or herself by getting educated and maintaining personal care. People who are not growing do not feel good about themselves and this will cause them to feel they are bringing less into their relationships.

8. Give your partner the opportunity to be his or her best. When you know your partner takes pride in certain tasks or personal endeavors, support her or him in succeeding at those things.

9. Understand your partner’s motivation and stresses. If you know your partner has difficulty talking with the accountant, dealing with the phone company or performing other tasks of living, take on that responsibility. If your partner responds to certain forms of kindness or affection, be sure you know how to give it, and offer those gifts.

10. Keep it interesting. Do nice things for no reason. (For example, I keep a few little gifts stashed so I can give them to my partner when she is having a difficult moment.) Greet your partner with enthusiasm when you see him or her at the end of the day and keep some spontaneity in the relationship.

Understanding the need to feel satisfied and contributing to that need in your relationship will make both of you happier people

COPING WITH DIVORCE

Coping with divorce can be very difficult, and according to studies, the effects the dissolution of a marriage can have on children involved are extensive. Statistics showing that every one in two marriages in the U.S. will end in divorce makes it extremely important to focus on coping with divorce strategies. Children from single parent homes are shown to more often live in poverty, suffer from behavioral problems and do not do as well in school, according to studies. Working on improving America’s marriages, as a result, can help improve social environments and financial consequences that arise when divorces ensue.
Since 2002, the federal government has set aside $47 million to study and promote marriage in state initiatives, with lawmakers hoping reductions in the divorce rate will mean less families being forced into coping with divorce. Deciding to separate is not always a mutual choice, making it is especially difficult for coping with divorce for one spouse in particular. The range of emotions experienced, as well as the financial implications coping with divorce can have can translate into lasting effects. It is important for families to realize that it can take time coping with divorce, but that there are ways to transition easier, especially for children.
Still, there are no sure ways of coping with divorce since all couples and families experience separation differently. Failing to acknowledge and deal with feelings regardless of how hard coping with divorce can be can have long-term consequences. Coping with divorce when children are involved by taking care of you first can help communicate to the children that they are not alone with whatever they are dealing with.
Everyone has different ways of coping with divorce, and even though some individuals do not want to spend time with other people initially, strong support networks of family and friends can really help ease the individual back into a routine and realize they are not alone. Though it is impossible to understand exactly how another person is coping with divorce, broken marriage in the U.S. is so prevalent today that there are resources and things available to make the process as manageable as possible.
A broken marriage is between incompatible parents, and children should not be forced into the middle, and especially should not be forced to choose sides. Children coping with divorce should be able to maintain a relationship with both parents and be involved in the process without shouldering the responsibility of the failed marriage. It can take awhile to find a plan that works for the family, but in the meantime children coping with divorce must be able to feel like they have access to open lines of communication.
Divorces can get ugly, but both spouses and children have rights that involve custody, division of assets and other financial obligations. Reputable divorce lawyers understand the emotional suffering accompanying a separation but will also understand that coping with divorce cannot move forward until the legal process has ended. Educated and experienced in finalizing divorce terms, experienced divorce lawyers can help people coping with divorce reach terms that are fair and just.