While my story included sexual assault, it began with physical. My dad was physically and emotionally abusive for as long as I remember. He was the worst to my older brother. There were 4 years between us, and a sister in the middle. It all began with my dad. Without knowing it, he was conditioning me from the time I was born to accept, even expect abuse. He was the one that taught me to equate pain with love, to accept that people who love you often will hurt you. Because of him I formulated my survival technique. Never show weakness, never say mercy, never cry. Very early in my life I found myself locked in a battle of will with my father. Proving to him I was stronger than him, because I never gave in, never let him have the satisfaction of seeing me hurt. Over and over in my head saying to him, spiteful and almost laughing, ‘you think this hurts me? You honestly think you can hurt me?!?’ He was the one who taught me that it wasn’t discussed, and my mom helped too. Every time that she looked away or left the room while he was beating us. Of course he told us that it was because he loved us. Of course he told us that this is what God expected of us.
And of course I forgave him, without him even asking. I’ve never been mad at him for this, held him accountable for just how much he damaged me, and paved the way for further trauma.
I was 9 when my older brother began raping me. He was never violent, always gentle, but he would never listen to me, never let me go when I said stop, always just holding me down. He bribed me with money, gifts, and protection from my father. There were many times when he got between me and father, took beatings for me. He stopped when I was around 12.
I began drinking, smoking, self-mutilating. Anyone who felt like sleeping with me got to. I never said no. I was too afraid to. So I just let them, hating it all the while, playing mad mind games and disassociation games to keep myself from freaking out. I spent all of my teen years consumed with hate and anger, mostly self-directed. For being so fuc*ing week all the time.
From 15 to 19 I had a boyfriend Travis. Just after a month into out relationship I was gang raped at a party Travis wasn’t with me at. More men were there than I bothered to count. Sometimes now I wish I would’ve, just so that I would know. Sometimes I know that it was right not to. It went on for hours. We were outside, it was April there was still snow on the ground and real cold out. They were extremely violent; they beat me up a lot. Two or three of them would be on me at once, they raped me vaginally, orally, and anally. They cut me several times with a knife they had. They penetrated me with whatever was handy, sticks, flashlights, whatever. They laughed a lot. I can still hear the sound of myself screaming that night in the woods. Years down the road, at 19, I found out that hell was an act of retaliation, not intended to punish me but to punish Travis. At the time of the rape I knew that to some degree, but couldn’t figure out how or why. I didn’t tell him what happened. I was afraid of how he would react, what he would do to them, and how it would affect our relationship. So I told him what the rumor after the party was, that I had hooked up with a guy at this party, that I had cheated on him. He forgave me but punished me for it. Calling me a whore, refusing to touch me and calling me diseased. I tolerated this for two years and finally broke down and told him the truth, about that night and the shit from when I was little. During the two years after the rape, we never had sex, though we had been sexually active prior. After the rape I stopped drinking and therefore became completely frigid. Travis would try to touch me and I would shake so violently that he couldn’t even get a good hold on me. After I opened up to him we began to work on repairing me sexually. Progress was slow, so somehow, I really don’t remember how, we decided that he would just do it. Even if I was upset or crying or fighting him, he should just keep fucking me. So he did that, and while was he was he would whisper in my ear that he loved me, that I didn’t need to be afraid, this was because he loved me. Somehow this actually worked, at times I did have really good sex with him.
When I found out not only that he was the cause of the rape, but that he had assumed all along the truth and still gave me shit for two years over me “cheating” on him. And that he himself was a rapist, I had to break up with. I felt so betrayed. I thought back on the “sex therapy” we’d had and realized that it wasn’t for me, he didn’t care about me. In all likelihood it was what he wanted, he was turned on. I thought he was trying to help me, to heal me, but it was for him, for his pleasure.
My next boyfriend was bad from the start. We were heavy into drugs together, we had lots of threesome and group sex. Always me and men, never other women, usually mock rape, always degrading and demeaning, but whatever. Soon I was sleeping with men for drugs, unable to afford as much as I wanted to ingest. Kevin snapped the camels back one night when we were in a fight, about some guy that he wanted to see fu*k me that I didn’t want to fu*k. This arguement was going all night, towards dawn I headed to bed, leaving Kevin with a bunch of his friends, still partying. A while after I fell asleep I woke up to the door opening. Kevin and his friend, and Kevin held me down so that this other dude could do it.
I saw Kevin only once after that. I entered rehab but was only sober for about two months. Last October I was raped by a man I met at the bar. I was leaving with him to go get high. I knew it was stupid, and knew I was putting myself in a bad situation, but I did it anyway. It probably was the easiest of all the rapes to deal with. It was the shortest in duration, it was only one person, he was stranger, not someone I’d have to see again, and compared to all I’ve been thru seems so minor.
Obviously, I am unable to talk about this. My parents found out about the childhood abuse, and gang rape at 15 when I was 16. We had exactly two conversations about it. They asked me if I was alright, if I felt I needed therapy. They believed me when I said it was fine, that I was fine, that I didn’t need help. I am pretty estranged from them at this point.
So I am stuck in this cycle. So angry, addicted to drugs and alcohol, and sex. I can’t have normal loving sex with my boyfriend. I finally have one that is a decent person, who I know could never hurt me like these other men did. He’s the first man I’ve been able to say “No” to. But I make him hurt me in bed. I can’t get off unless I am in pain, so I make him hit me, choke me, slap me around. And I am so mean to him but can’t help it. I have to remind myself constantly that he is not all those other men. Force myself to look at him with kind eyes and not the stone cold defensive look I usually reserve for men.
He knows there are things wrong with me, knows that I have “issues”, but I refuse to even name the traumas to him, tho I know he connected a dew dots on his own. I still self mutilate. I have nightmares, hallucinations, panic attacks. I forget to eat and take care of myself, so I am beginning to have quite a few physical problems.
For over a decade now, this had been my life. Rape has been my life. And I hate the hard and cold and bitter person it has made me. I hate the way any morals I had were thrown out the window while I tried to run from myself and my past. I hate that I walk around saying, ‘better living thru denial’, honestly believing it. I hate knowing that it will always be this way. There is no answer, no solution, no light. I’ve turned myself into this thing, so mute and weak; I can never get back to what I was. When I reflect on the years all I see is more pieces of me that were lost, that died. One by one I can see the where the pieces fell.
I know what lead to what, I know why Seth hurt me and why I felt the need to let so many other people hurt me. I know the role my dad and mom playing in contributing to this paralysis. I understand completely the cause and effect, where the dominos started to fall. But it doesn’t help. It doesn’t change anything. And I can’t.
I read stories of people and how they’ve made the move from victim to survivor. That their liberation came when they realized it wasn’t their fault. Newsflash, every one of us are victims, and will be as long as we are alive. You can’t refuse to be a victim. You were made into one. And that is a status all of us will have for the duration of out lives. Strictly based on definition.
As far as placing blame, my true enslavement began when I realized that it wasn’t my fault. That’s how weak we are and that’s how strong they are. No amount of willpower will ever best muscles or guns at the moments when it really matters. When it comes down to it, “they” can fu*k you whenever they want to. That’s how small we are. And it’s not our fault, it’s the way it is. And that’s where my real frustration comes in. For the rest of my life I know that if a man gets a notion in his head that he wants to fu*k me, he will, and that’s that. Regardless of whether or not I decide to say no. I am only safe as long as a man allows me to be. I’m only safe until they decide they want to hurt me.
I am 22 years old. And all this doesn’t come close to completing my stories.
by Angel Longsleeveson 16 Aug 2004

I’ve been depressed since I was 12. I’ve been put on medication for it but the pills never really worked. I always felt like I was alone and inferior. I caught myself looking at older men, not necessarily in a sexual way, but as father figures, someone to confide in and to comfort me when times got rough. About a week ago I met a man who filled that “void” in me, who made me feel like I was worth something.

He is 25 and I am only 15, but he didn’t seem to mind. In fact, he moved so fast it made my head spin. Being a virgin, I knew I wasn’t ready for sex, but when he took me to his house and layed me on the couch, it was the hardest thing to say “No!”. He was sweet about it, suprisingly enough. I did say no and I struggled to get out from under him, but he held me there and kept telling me how beautiful I was and how much he wanted me. He attempted to take off my clothes but when I fought him, he stopped. Instead, he took his off and proceeded rape me.

The next thing I knew, I was crying in the bathroom with blood all over my clothes. But no one found out. I kept it hush hush with the exception of his wife (very soon to be ex-wife). They hadn’t been with each other for about a year and both had found other romantic partners. Still, she wanted to talk to me, to warn me about him…but it was too late. I came to find out that he has 5 warrants out for his arrest and had a very sexual past being a male pornography star, male stripper, and male prostitute. Along with this, he has three little girls at home.

I just want to let everyone who reads this to know that no matter how charming or sweet he is, he will hurt you. I’ve never been in a relationship with a man who didn’t..whether it was physical, mental, or sexual. Trust no one. Someone’s always looking to use you.
by Laurenon 11 Apr 2004

I am a sexual abuse survivor. I was abused by my stepfather from age 5 to age 16 telling no one during those years. I told my mom at 16 she did believe me but, didn’t kick him out. She took me to a psychologist and the doctor was required by law to turn the case over to authorities. So when the police and children services showed up mom made up a lie, which said I was lying about being sexually abused, and the authorities believed us. I moved to Ohio 7 months later and started to live this “normal” life. I married a wonderful man at 22 yrs old. One year after I was having an affair and fell madly in love. It lasted 4 yrs then ended. I started having another affair with an abusive man who strangled me, hit me, stalked me, and threatened my life. I became pregnant, by my husband at 27 and finally got rid of that man. I ran back into my first affair man in 1996, divoced my husband, re-married, have two boys by him, and went into major depression. Couldn’t undertand why. In 2002 I finally faced what had happened to me and revealed “details” to my husband for the first time. I finally broke my silence. I July of 03 I started a non-profit organization, filed charges against my stepfather in Pasco Co. Florida and witing the government since from age 10 to 13 I was raped on an AirForce base. I discovered he also sexually abused his daughters from his first marriage and raped my little sister when she was 14 yrs old. I lied at 16 to protect my little sister but, he got to her anyway. I am in the process of filing a civil suit against him also. I wrote a book called “Sick of the Silence” in which I have had printed. My website address is www.Angels2StopSexAbuse.com if anyone wants to purchase it. I have started doing motivatioal speakings about my abuse, mistakes, depression, start to healing, and how I get stronger everyday. My mission is to stop sexual abuse and my realization is because of one little word is why sexual abuse continues which is “silence”. By staying silent I was protecting my abuser and no one else. My vision is to protect my future family generations so they don’t go through what I have been through. I use my voice and I am not ashamed or embarassed of what was forced onto me for 12 yrs. Every survivor is an angel and angels protect others. I am trying to reach as many survivors as possible to share my life so hopefully they seek the knowlegde to become strong enough to use their voice and help with this crime that is out of control in our society. Society has to change the pattern they have been using for thousands of years and it will take the 60+ million survivors out there to do it. To every survivor….You are an angel and you survived the hard part. It is all uphill from here!!!!! God Bless every one of you…..
Jenny Peters
by Jenny Peters//A sexual abuse overcomeron 11 Aug 2004

Hello to all, this is Applebottoms02. I was raped on August 31, 2003 in my home by a male acquaintance, we were supposed to have a lunch together but things didn’t turn out that way. Yes after he had raped me I did report it to the police and yes I did go to the hospital to get a exam, since after the rape, there were two charges on him, rape and abduction, in March 12, 2004 there was a preliminary hearing, after the hearing he was released on a $1, 000 bond, the total bond was $10,000, the grand jury was in April of 2004, after all that he decided to take a plea bargin, which was that instead of being charged with rape, plea guilty to sexual battery, 12 months jail time suspended for 5 years, no jail, no fine , no nothing, so yes he did get away with the crime he did to me. Yes It has been 10 months since the rape, I have a lot of angry towards him and toward my lawyer but I guess there is nothing else that I can to expect to try to move on with my life, moving is not as easy as people think it is though, I was in counseling but I had just stop going, I am thinking about going back to pick the piece so I am able to try to move on to the best of my ability, but I will never, ever, never forgive or forget of what that bastard has done to me so now I have to live the rest of my life with the aftermath of the case and not him, thank you all for listening to my story, if you like you can email me if you want to.
by Ieshaon 21 Jul 2004

Ok. I’ve never written any of this down before…so please bare with me.
It first started when I was about 5 years old, by a friend of the family who would often babysit me. He would touch me and put his hands all over me, and put his fingers inside me. I was so confused, I didn’t know what was happening. He would make me take off my clothes and stuff, and it was just horrible. The first time he actually raped me, I was 7 years old. I was so scared. It hurt so much…I can’t describe it. I just tried to forget what was happening. He was at my house alot, and stayed there alot…so at night, he would come into my room. I always have flashbacks, and I can never forget the image of him on top of me, holding me down, hurting me, laughing at me. I get so mad at myself now…because I realise that alot of the time, I could have just screamed or something and someone probably would have heard me and come to see what was wrong…but I never did that.
Last year, I was at my uncles house, my my cousins boyfriend raped me there. They thankfully have broken up.
Ever since I can remember, my father has been abusive to me, and my mom is very unhappy with their marriage. I hate it here. I’m only fourteen though, so I don’t really have any where else to go.
I self-injure, and have attempted suicide…so I’ve spent a few months in a psych horpital place, and I have to go to alot of counseling. I recently started telling them about the abuse from the friend of the family, so…yeah. But I can’t help feeling guilty and ashamed, because no matter what anyone says…it’s really my fault, because I could have stopped it so easily many many times if I just screamed…but instead, I let myself go through that for nine years, and I hate myself for it so much.
by maryon 5 Sep 2004

Happy Marriage by the Numbers

Pamela C. Regan, PhD
California State University

hen 4,000 couples in the UK who had been married for more than 16 years, on average, were polled on the keys to a long-lasting relationship, some interesting facts were discovered. On average, these married couples wanted four cuddles a day… romantic gestures from their partners every 10 days… unsolicited helpful gestures three times a month… and seven cozy nights in and two dinner dates out a month.
We can make our own marriages happier by incorporating these “happy marriage behaviors” into our lives. Striving to give your spouse, say, four cuddles a day might start out feeling artificial but eventually will become a rich part of the fabric of your relationship. Because kindness reaps kindness in relationships, you will encourage your spouse to reciprocate.

ROMANTIC GESTURES EVERY 10 DAYS

In a long-term relationship, we tend to think romantic gestures are no longer necessary. But surprising your spouse with flowers or a romantic dinner reminds your partner that you still are in love with him/her. If you decide to run a bath for your wife because she had a bad day, it shows that you are thinking specifically about what would please her, and that thoughtfulness is far more important than even the action itself. To be truly romantic, don’t ask your partner what he might want. Instead come up with your own idea — something that shows great attention to your partner’s unique likes and dislikes.

4 CUDDLES A DAY

Make sure to hug or affectionately touch your partner at least four times a day. The happiest couples touch a lot. Try a slight squeeze on the shoulder at breakfast or a hug before you run off to work.

3 HELPFUL ACTIONS A MONTH

Thoughtful actions that lighten a partner’s load are perceived as tender and caring — especially when done without anyone asking. Taking the initiative to do the dishes or make your spouse coffee in the morning shows that you are paying attention and makes your partner realize how central he/she is in your thoughts. You even can come right out and tell your partner, “I’m doing this because I love you and I want to make sure you know that.”

7 COZY NIGHTS IN AND
2 DINNER DATES OUT A MONTH

Your “cozy nights in” should be different from your everyday routine — make sure you aren’t parked in front of the television. Instead, have dinner together, talk about your week, make plans, check in about upcoming activities. Also, reserve special nights two times a month. Making the effort to dress up and go outside the family home together reinforces your “coupleness” and adds vitality to a relationship.

When I was very young I recall my father’s friend sexually molesting me. I must have been maybe 3 and the image is burned in my mind. I tried to tell my mom my memories my whole childhood, and remember how she ignored it, ignored me. My parents were so unhealthy already. I had a brother and a sister who I became a “mother” to because my mother was too abused to love us unconditionally. There where always conditions, even in her most loving moments. At 9/10 I was sexually molested again by one of my father’s friends, I believe he knew it was happening. This “relationship” went on for years. Every time this man came over he would end up in my bedroom at some point to touch me in my sleep. I always woke up to him there, touching me and never caring. This man was very good friends with molester #1 and I believe they talked about it. My first molester was such a good friend of my dads, I had to call him uncle, and he would give me money and actually built a relationship with me. At 11/12 another of my dad’s friends molested me again. By now I knew to go ridged and be somewhere else. I really had difficulties coping when my first molester moved in, after I was molested so much! He was younger than my father, only 10yrs older that me. I escaped this by creating distance and I believe this actually broke his view of our relationship or he had compassion for me because of my father and all the abuse I endured just from him, let alone, him and his friend. When he moved out, molester #3 moved in, I truly believe this was planned. My father is very abusive and a psycho. Sexual molestation is actually one of the easiest part of my childhood, which breaks my very soul knowing I am so broken. I read compulsively to try and understand but I feel like all the puzzle pieces aren’t there. I am dealing with my love issues. I have an excellent husband and have a functional mind now but I can’t love him….. I know what love is, what my rights are, what his rights are, etc. but I can’t emotionally attach myself to him, as hard as I try.
I don’t understand and wonder if it is from my teen years (which are a whole different story about no self worth). Do we ever become emotionally functional people again?
by Jupider on 17 Mar 2005

From the age of 5, I was sexualy abused by my father. I had told my mum several times and she would ask him about it and he would deny it like always. Mum and dad ended up seperating my dad was a very controling, manipulative man so I remaned living at his house. The abuse was still an occurance but because my mum was abused as a child, she had taught me that it was wrong if someone touches you in your private spots and as I got older I realised that he didnt have the power, I DID. So one nght I went into his room while he was asleep and I got into bed with him. I was in denial that he would do anything to me but I wanted to catch him out. He started touching me, it was discusting. I got up and went in my own room the next.
I thaught this is it, am I going to let him do this to me again? NO, so I rang him he was at work and I said “you touched me last night” he was speachless. I said “I am leaving and there is nothing you can do about it” I thaught he would yell at me, he didnt. He started crying he said “no dont leave im sorry if I have hurt you” that was it for me. I couldnt take this anymore, I told my mum she was distrort she said sorry about 10 times. I dont blame her. Then my mum and I told the family they didnt belive us. That gave my mum doubt on if it was true or not. I ended up moving out of my mums and was living at a friends. He gained all the control back a couple of weeks after I got a phone call of my mum telling me she didnt belive me. I was all on my own 15 years old so I turned to drugs and alcohol untill I couldnt do it anymore so I confronted my mum told her the story again streight away she got us a house to live in the next couple of weeks. I went to the police I wanted to get him REVENGE was all I could think about I was taking him to court. Then befor the last court hearing there was a knock at the door, it was the police informing us that he had comite suiside. Everything came tumboling down, at first I was upset but after that I thought good I will never have to face him again. It was just my mum, brother and little sister… I am now 17 and I am back at school I have had a boyfriend for 2 years and I know I am going to live happily ever after……because he can’t hurt me anymore
by rebecca parkeron 4 Aug 2004

My life changed forever when my father took it upon himself to make me touch him to the point where he was satisfied. I was 3 1/2 – 4 years old, I wasn’t at school yet so I must have been around that age. My mum casually asked me when she came home from work “What did you get up to today?” I told her that I played with daddy’s willy – she confronted him with this but he was a brilliant compulsive liar and made some story up. My mother always feared for my safety especially as my body matured, though she failed to take me out of that environment. I always kept what happened in the back of my mind-but since I didn’t know that what had occurred was wrong I didn’t tell anyone else. At 11years of age I became depressed and compulsively washed my hands. Then the truth came out – I told my mum everything in detail. My brother refused to believe me even though he knew my dad had talked to his girlfriend inappropriately about sex and touched her bottom – guess he was and is in denial. My mother went into denial also but did recall the day I told her about it. My father for years up until I was eleven use to make me sleep with him.
I have survived all of this without counselors and the rest. I am extremely strong and even though I dated people who were addicted to something (like my dad – who I couldn’t help)I have now met a person who is normal and loving and treats me with immense respect. I have succeeded in my studies and I’m on my way to becoming a solicitor – as I do feel strongly about justice since I received very little of it! I have lost a family, I have no good memories of my father, but till this day I can still make his Jim Beam and coke to his taste….thanks for the memories.I don’t feel anger or hatred towards him, to me he has been dead for many years. Maybe thats my coping mechanism? My brother believes that I will regret not making things up with him before he dies, how can I possibly? He has never said sorry because to do so would entail recognition of what he has done.
I have made on my own but I crave the family I never had and wait in excitement for my future where I can create my own family, and that will be the greatest happiness for me.
by Ashon 8 Dec 2005

I was raped 2 weeks ago. I thought it was my fault in a way I still think it is! I am 15 years old. I had been sexually active twice before that same week(long long story) well I was friends with this guy named Jonathan and he was 17. All my friends are older then me pretty much, always have been, dont know why. But anyways, I had gone to a party with Jonathan 3 days before this and there was this kid named “B” there. For legal reasons I cant say his name. Well B is 22. I didnt know this. Well after the party B and one of my friends were all up in each others shit so I left them be and I messed around with Jonathan. Well two days later B called me and I was going to a party and my guy friends that were took me and said “hey lets go pic him up.” We went and got him and somehow we decided we didnt want to go to the party. They all went home and B didnt have a ride back to his city cuz we were in my city. So we stopped by a liqor store cuz he wanted something to drink (I dont drink) and so anyways we went to my house until he called his boy in indianapolis, to come get him. Well his boy was clubbing and wasnt gonna be there until late morning so I was like whatever, I didnt care. He was really cute and sweet and we were talkng about all this really personal shit. So I didnt care and we got along. Well he offered me a drink of strong vodka. I dont remember much after that. I know that when the cops showed up at 6 in the morning I was 3 times over the legal limit for alcohol consumption, and by then they said it should have wore off so I was deadly intoxicated earlier that night. I remember some and a litthe here and there but not much. I took off my clothes, I gave him a lap dance. I gave him oral sex and vice versa. Later he had sex with me. I dont remember any of that but I knwo it happened today. This is only 2 weeks later. I’m gettin charged for alcohol comsumption and he is being charged for a lot. To all my girls out there just be smart. I dont have that rep and I have great grades and I’m miss popular at the high school. I dont know how I let that happen. My advice to all the girls out there that are “minors” is: it may be fun to hang with people that are older than yuo but just dont drink and be smart. I didnt know what to call it either. I just found out it was rape. So girls even though you think it was “consensual” or whatever the prosecutor wont care. He is getting charged for rape and giving alcohol to minors and going away for a while. So it was my choice to drink but it is still somehow his fault too. So anyways I wanted to tell my story so if you have any questions or want advice on your problems email me!!!
~*keeley*~
by keeley on 9 Jul 2004