6 Behaviors that Increase Self-Esteem
by Denis Waitley

Learn more about Denis at: www.DenisWaitleySpecials.com

Following are six behaviors that increase self-esteem, enhance your self-confidence, and spur your motivation. You may recognize some of them as things you naturally do in your interactions with other people. But if you don’t, I suggest you motivate yourself to take some of these important steps immediately.

First, greet others with a smile and look them directly in the eye. A smile and direct eye contact convey confidence born of self-respect. In the same way, answer the phone pleasantly whether at work or at home, and when placing a call, give your name before asking to speak to the party you want to reach. Leading with your name underscores that a person with self-respect is making the call.

Second, always show real appreciation for a gift or complement. Don’t downplay or sidestep expressions of affection or honor from others. The ability to accept or receive is a universal mark of an individual with solid self-esteem.

Third, don’t brag. It’s almost a paradox that genuine modesty is actually part of the capacity to gracefully receive compliments. People who brag about their own exploits or demand special attention are simply trying to build themselves up in the eyes of others — and that’s because they don’t perceive themselves as already worthy of respect.

Fourth, don’t make your problems the centerpiece of your conversation. Talk positively about your life and the progress you’re trying to make. Be aware of any negative thinking, and take notice of how often you complain. When you hear yourself criticize someone — and this includes self-criticism — find a way to be helpful instead of critical.

Fifth, respond to difficult times or depressing moments by increasing your level of productive activity. When your self-esteem is being challenged, don’t sit around and fall victim to “paralysis by analysis.” The late Malcolm Forbes said, “Vehicles in motion use their generators to charge their own batteries. Unless you happen to be a golf cart, you can’t recharge your battery when you’re parked in the garage!”

Sixth, choose to see mistakes and rejections as opportunities to learn. View a failure as the conclusion of one performance, not the end of your entire career. Own up to your shortcomings, but refuse to see yourself as a failure. A failure may be something you have done — and it may even be something you’ll have to do again on the way to success — but a failure is definitely not something you are.

Even if you’re at a point where you’re feeling very negatively about yourself, be aware that you’re now ideally positioned to make rapid and dramatic improvement. A negative self-evaluation, if it’s honest and insightful, takes much more courage and character than the self-delusions that underlie arrogance and conceit. I’ve seen the truth of this proven many times in my work with athletes. After an extremely poor performance, a team or an individual athlete often does much better the next time out, especially when the poor performance was so bad that there was simply no way to shirk responsibility for it. Disappointment, defeat, and even apparent failure are in no way permanent conditions unless we choose to make them so. On the contrary, these undeniably painful experiences can be the solid foundation on which to build future success.

Family Systems Theory

The family systems theory is a theory introduced by Dr. Murray Bowen that suggests that individuals cannot be understood in isolation from one another, but rather as a part of their family, as the family is an emotional unit. Families are systems of interconnected and interdependent individuals, none of whom can be understood in isolation from the system.

The family system

According to Bowen, a family is a system in which each member had a role to play and rules to respect. Members of the system are expected to respond to each other in a certain way according to their role, which is determined by relationship agreements. Within the boundaries of the system, patterns develop as certain family member’s behavior is caused by and causes other family member’s behaviors in predictable ways. Maintaining the same pattern of behaviors within a system may lead to balance in the family system, but also to dysfunction. For example, if a husband is depressive and cannot pull himself together, the wife may need to take up more responsibilities to pick up the slack. The change in roles may maintain the stability in the relationship, but it may also push the family towards a different equilibrium. This new equilibrium may lead to dysfunction as the wife may not be able to maintain this overachieving role over a long period of time.

There are eight interlocking concepts in Dr. Bowen’s theory:

Triangles: The smallest stable relationship system. Triangles usually have one side in conflict and two sides in harmony, contributing to the development of clinical problems.
Differentiation of self: The variance in individuals in their susceptibility to depend on others for acceptance and approval.
Nuclear family emotional system: The four relationship patterns that define where problems may develop in a family.
– Marital conflict
– Dysfunction in one spouse
– Impairment of one or more children
– Emotional distance
Family projection process: The transmission of emotional problems from a parent to a child.
Multigenerational transmission process: The transmission of small differences in the levels of differentiation between parents and their children.
Emotional cutoff: The act of reducing or cutting off emotional contact with family as a way managing unresolved emotional issues.
Sibling position: The impact of sibling position on development and behavior.
Societal emotional process: The emotional system governs behavior on a societal level, promoting both progressive and regressive periods in a society.
Many of these concepts are discussed in the context of genograms in the book Genograms: Assessment and Intervention by Monica McGoldrick, Randy Gerson and Sylvia Shellenberger.

Family systems therapy

One of the best ways to begin therapy and to gain understanding of how the emotional system operates in your family system is to put together your family genogram. Studying your own patterns of behavior, and how they relate to those of your multigenerational family, reveals new and more effective options for solving problems and for changing your response to the automatic role you are expected to play.

Creating a family genogram

GenoPro is a unique software perfectly suited for creating quick computer-generated genograms. By entering key information, such as names of family members, key life events, emotional relationships, and social relationships, the user can easily create a multi-generational genogram of their family system or of their patient’s family system. The genogram thus created becomes a graphical picture of the family, helping the user to identify patterns of behavior and dysfunctions that need to be addressed.

Five Mistakes I Make in My Marriage.
Every Wednesday is Tip Day, or List or Quiz Day.
This Wednesday: 5 big mistakes I make in my marriage, and how I try to address them.

One of the main twelve themes of my happiness project is marriage. For me, as with many people, my marriage is one of the most central elements in my life and my happiness.

When I started my happiness project, and I reflected about the changes I wanted to make — as well as the resolutions I wanted to keep in order to bring about those changes — I realized I had five particular problem areas in my marriage. Here they are, along with the strategies I try to use to address them:

1. My demand for gold stars. Oh, how I crave appreciation and recognition! I always want that gold star stuck to my homework. But my husband just isn’t very good at handing out gold stars, and that makes me feel angry and unappreciated.

I figured out a good strategy. I used to tell myself I was doing nice things for him – “He’ll be so happy to see that I put all the books away,” “He’ll be so pleased that I finally got the trunk packed for camp” etc. – then I’d be mad when he wasn’t appreciative. Now I tell myself that I’m doing these things because I want to do them. “Wow, the kitchen cabinets look great!” “I’m so organized to have bought all the supplies in advance!” Because I do things for myself, he doesn’t have to notice. This sounds like a more self-centered approach, but it’s really much better.

2. Using a snappish tone. I have a very short fuse and become irritable extremely easily – but my husband really doesn’t like it when I snap at him (big surprise). I’ve done a lot to try to keep my temper in check. I don’t let myself get too hungry or too cold (I fall into these states very easily); I try to keep our apartment in reasonable order, because a mess makes me crabby; when he tries to make a joke out of my temper, I try to laugh along; I try to control my voice to keep it light and cheery instead of accusatory and impatient. Confession: I haven’t made much headway here.

3. Getting angry about a fixed trait. This is very, very tough. One of the things I’ve learned from my happiness project is that you can’t change anyone but yourself, and while there are some things I’d love to change about my husband, those things aren’t going to change. He isn’t going to get better about answering my emails. He is going to keep making rich desserts that tempt me. Etc. Instead of getting all worked up, as I often do, I’m trying to remind myself of HOW SMALL his flaws are, in the scheme of things.

4. Score-keeping. I’m a score-keeper, always calculating who has done what. “I cleaned up the kitchen, so you have to run to the store” — that sort of thing. I’ve found two ways to try to deal with this tendency.

First, I remind myself of the phenomenon of unconscious over-claiming; i.e., we unconsciously overestimate our contributions or skills relative to other people’s. This makes sense, because of course we’re far more aware of what we do than what other people do. According to Jonathan Haidt’s The Happiness Hypothesis, “when husbands and wives estimate the percentage of housework each does, their estimates total more than 120 percent.”

I complain about the time I spend organizing babysitting or paying bills, but I overlook the time my husband spends dealing with our car or food-shopping. It’s easy to see that over-claiming leads to resentment and an inflated sense of entitlement. So now when I find myself thinking, “I’m the only one around here who bothers to…” or “Why do I always have to be the one who…?” I remind myself of all the tasks I don’t do.

Second, I remind myself of the words of my spiritual master, St. Therese of Lisieux: “When one loves, one does not calculate.” That precept is the basis for my 11th Personal Commandment: No calculation.

5. Taking my husband for granted. Just as I find it easily to overlook the chores done by my husband (see #4), it’s easy for me to forget to appreciate his many virtues and instead focus on his flaws (see #3). For example, although I find it hard to resist using an irritable tone, my husband almost never speaks harshly, and that’s really a wonderful trait. I’m trying to stay alert to all the things I love about him, and let go of my petty annoyances. This is easier said than done.

I’ve found that working to keep my resolution to Kiss more, hug more, touch more is an effective way to help me stay in loving, appreciative frame of mind.

What are some mistakes you make in your marriage or long-term relationship? Have you found any great strategies for addressing them?Five Mistakes I Make in My Marriage.
Every Wednesday is Tip Day, or List or Quiz Day.
This Wednesday: 5 big mistakes I make in my marriage, and how I try to address them.

One of the main twelve themes of my happiness project is marriage. For me, as with many people, my marriage is one of the most central elements in my life and my happiness.

When I started my happiness project, and I reflected about the changes I wanted to make — as well as the resolutions I wanted to keep in order to bring about those changes — I realized I had five particular problem areas in my marriage. Here they are, along with the strategies I try to use to address them:

1. My demand for gold stars. Oh, how I crave appreciation and recognition! I always want that gold star stuck to my homework. But my husband just isn’t very good at handing out gold stars, and that makes me feel angry and unappreciated.

I figured out a good strategy. I used to tell myself I was doing nice things for him – “He’ll be so happy to see that I put all the books away,” “He’ll be so pleased that I finally got the trunk packed for camp” etc. – then I’d be mad when he wasn’t appreciative. Now I tell myself that I’m doing these things because I want to do them. “Wow, the kitchen cabinets look great!” “I’m so organized to have bought all the supplies in advance!” Because I do things for myself, he doesn’t have to notice. This sounds like a more self-centered approach, but it’s really much better.

2. Using a snappish tone. I have a very short fuse and become irritable extremely easily – but my husband really doesn’t like it when I snap at him (big surprise). I’ve done a lot to try to keep my temper in check. I don’t let myself get too hungry or too cold (I fall into these states very easily); I try to keep our apartment in reasonable order, because a mess makes me crabby; when he tries to make a joke out of my temper, I try to laugh along; I try to control my voice to keep it light and cheery instead of accusatory and impatient. Confession: I haven’t made much headway here.

3. Getting angry about a fixed trait. This is very, very tough. One of the things I’ve learned from my happiness project is that you can’t change anyone but yourself, and while there are some things I’d love to change about my husband, those things aren’t going to change. He isn’t going to get better about answering my emails. He is going to keep making rich desserts that tempt me. Etc. Instead of getting all worked up, as I often do, I’m trying to remind myself of HOW SMALL his flaws are, in the scheme of things.

4. Score-keeping. I’m a score-keeper, always calculating who has done what. “I cleaned up the kitchen, so you have to run to the store” — that sort of thing. I’ve found two ways to try to deal with this tendency.

First, I remind myself of the phenomenon of unconscious over-claiming; i.e., we unconsciously overestimate our contributions or skills relative to other people’s. This makes sense, because of course we’re far more aware of what we do than what other people do. According to Jonathan Haidt’s The Happiness Hypothesis, “when husbands and wives estimate the percentage of housework each does, their estimates total more than 120 percent.”

I complain about the time I spend organizing babysitting or paying bills, but I overlook the time my husband spends dealing with our car or food-shopping. It’s easy to see that over-claiming leads to resentment and an inflated sense of entitlement. So now when I find myself thinking, “I’m the only one around here who bothers to…” or “Why do I always have to be the one who…?” I remind myself of all the tasks I don’t do.

Second, I remind myself of the words of my spiritual master, St. Therese of Lisieux: “When one loves, one does not calculate.” That precept is the basis for my 11th Personal Commandment: No calculation.

5. Taking my husband for granted. Just as I find it easily to overlook the chores done by my husband (see #4), it’s easy for me to forget to appreciate his many virtues and instead focus on his flaws (see #3). For example, although I find it hard to resist using an irritable tone, my husband almost never speaks harshly, and that’s really a wonderful trait. I’m trying to stay alert to all the things I love about him, and let go of my petty annoyances. This is easier said than done.

I’ve found that working to keep my resolution to Kiss more, hug more, touch more is an effective way to help me stay in loving, appreciative frame of mind.

What are some mistakes you make in your marriage or long-term relationship? Have you found any great strategies for addressing them?

Strategies for Happiness

Simple Laughter Strategy

Have you ever wondered how some people seem to find humor in almost everything. Here’s a simple strategy

1. Imagine that you are your favorite comedy character (I’ll use Homer Simpson, of TV show The Simpsons here). Totally immerse yourself in the experience of being them.

2. Given a situation, what would Homer see, hear, feel and then say? Go on be silly about it.

That is it!

Here are a few of my favorite lines from the show…

Homer: Why do you think your mother and I sleep on the same bed?

Bart: Because we are poor?

Homer: Exactly…and we are poor because we have children.

Tarzan and Jane Playmates

Use the Simple Laughter Strategy to laugh yourself silly and be playful with your partner. People grow fond of people that they spend laughter-filled good times with. You become an anchor for fun, joyful feelings for your partner.

Try putting this one above every mirror in your house: “This person is not to be taken seriously!”

Instant Endorphine Release

1. Remember a time when you felt totally happy and at peace. Return fully to that time now, seeing what you saw, hearing what you heard and feeling how good you felt.

(If you can’t remember a specific time, just imagine how much better your life would be if you were totally happy and peaceful right now – if you had all the peace, love and contentment you could ever want.)

2. Now make the colors brighter and richer, the sounds louder, and allow your feelings of happiness to intensify.

3. Notice where that feeling of happiness is strongest in your body Give this feeling of happiness a color, and move that color up to the top of your head and down
to the tip of your toes. Double the brightness. Double it again!

4. You can visualize the endorphins like little dolphins at play in your bloodstream, happily swimming from cell to cell. Or feel the flow of endorphins like a river of golden honey throughout your body.

5. Repeat steps 2-4 at least five more times. Vividly imagine in detail that event where you are happy, again and again You can use the same happy experience or add in new ones each time.

- More from Change your Life in 7 Days

Being in Present Time

The following is an NLP process.

1. Close your eyes.

2. Ask you unconscious mind, where your past memories are stored.

3. Ask your unconscious mind, where events that are meant to occur in the future are stored.

4. Connect both positions into a line, which then becomes your time line.

5. Let your unconscious mind transport all events that are meant for the PAST away from the NOW to the PAST.

6. Let your unconscious mind transport all events that are meant for the FUTURE away from the NOW to the FUTURE.

7. Enjoy the freedom that comes with being in the NOW.

8. Open your eyes and come to the room.

Being Grateful for What You Already Have

Complete the following sentences. It is best to write/type them out.

What I like about myself …

What I have going pretty well in my life …

What I like about my partner …

I am grateful to Spirit/God from the bottom of my heart for all the above-mentioned blessings. I am so blessed and lucky! Thank you very much!

Smiling Practice

The mind and body are connected. your state of mind affects your body posture and vice versa. So practice smiling – nothing flashy, just a gentle slight smile. Before you go to bed, do it with a smile. Doing this as a habit actually shapes the muscles of your face so that you look like you are smiling naturally!

Singing

Singing is another activity that changes your state. Go on an whistle a tune or sing your favorite song.

Reframe a Negative Experience with Humor

Click here to find out how to reframe negative experiences.

For the not-so good times, reframe the experience by saying:

“I refuse to be intimidated by reality”

“It could be worse. I could be pregnant”

“What an opportunity for learning and growth”

“Beam me up, Scotty”

Humor Visualization

1. Relax and close your eyes and take a deep breath.
2. Focus on your breath. Imagine it entering a tube that is connected to a large, inflatable clown. With each exhalation your clown gets bigger and bigger. Now, take a closer look at your clown. Notice how large it is. Notice its colors… the makeup. What gender is it? Is it wearing a hat? Does your clown have a name? What is your clown’s most interesting feature? Take time to get a clear picture of your clown.
3. Now focus on your breath again. With each breath you take, your clown keeps getting bigger and bigger and bigger. In fact, your clown has become as big as a weather balloon, maybe even bigger.
4. Your clown is always with you to help you lighten up your problems. Remember: Nothing, no problem, is too big for this gigantic clown.

5. In a moment, your clown is going to give you some advice on how to lighten up a problem or difficulty you are having. Do not judge your clown’s answer. It may not be what you thought your clown would say, but just accept the answer. Just listen.

Ask your clown how you can see some humor in what appears to be a humorless situation. Listen for the answer now.

6. When you have an answer, thank the clown for listening to your problem and showing you how to lighten it up.

Thank yourself for participating in this process and know that whenever you need a lighthearted solution, whenever you are feeling stressed, whenever you feel lost for an answer, just ask your clown. It is as close to you as your breath. All you need to do to contact your clown is to breathe into it.

7. Now, when you are ready, say good-bye to your clown and bring your focus to your breath again. Let it settle to a quiet, even pace.

Laughter Affirmation

I shall get one more bit of laughter in my life today.

I am thankful for the joyous things in my life. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Credit:

- The Healing Power of Humor, Allen Klein

Always Look on the Bright Side of Life (from Monty Python)

words and music by Eric Idle

Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you’re chewing on life’s gristle
Don’t grumble, give a whistle
And this’ll help things turn out for the best…

And…always look on the bright side of life…
Always look on the light side of life…

If life seems jolly rotten
There’s something you’ve forgotten
And that’s to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you’re feeling in the dumps
Don’t be silly chumps
Just purse your lips and whistle – that’s the thing.

And…always look on the bright side of life…
Always look on the light side of life…

For life is quite absurd
And death’s the final word
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin – give the audience a grin
Enjoy it – it’s your last chance anyhow.

So always look on the bright side of death
Just before you draw your terminal breath

Life’s a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life’s a laugh and death’s a joke, it’s true.
You’ll see it’s all a show
Keep ‘em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.

And always look on the bright side of life…
Always look on the right side of life…
(Come on guys, cheer up!)
Always look on the bright side of life…
Always look on the bright side of life…
(Worse things happen at sea, you know.)
Always look on the bright side of life…
(I mean – what have you got to lose?)
(You know, you come from nothing – you’re going back to nothing.
What have you lost? Nothing!)
Always look on the right side of life…

One of our biggest fears and stressors, is change. Yet is is one of our only gaurantees.

Change and Self-Esteem

Roleen Kaplan
(MA Psychology)

RoKap International Global Perfomance Solutions
Psychologist, Speaker and Facilitator.
Landline: +27 11 656 6008 or email: r.k.rokapi.co.za

I watched the colours taking on different tones as the enormous beauty of the sunset streamed across the early evening sky. My heart stirred with memories of what I thought was then and was going to become.
Gently the magnificence of light over the ocean began fading into darker shades and the orchestral tones of a new song were becoming more apparent.
I heard the echo of the stark difference between the beauty of the sunset and the darkness of the night sky.
I knew there was more and that I had to see through it all.
I closed my eyes.
No longer could I legitimize words devoid of action and meaning with my own sincerity and truths.
I knew I had to let go.
No part of me wanted to.
An important and difficult choice was visiting my soul and asking recognition.
I could continue to walk through shadows not my own or,
I could hold onto me and walk away…
So I walked away and towards myself.
Roleen Kaplan, 2007

Change is sometimes very painful.
Almost always, it is necessary.

We live in a world where change is a given. It is there, facing us daily. Fast paced global changes and the heightened need to keep up, is seducing us into being not only employees, but human beings we were not designed to be. Many are fast being pulled into the trap of becoming removed from themselves, people devoid of the emotion of regard for others’ emotions, removing themselves knowingly from emotional connectedness and taking leaps into new ways of relating and living like never before.
With the increasing need for better financial outcomes people are sacrificing themselves to such a degree that they are losing sight of realizing that it is not only others’ love and loyalty they are losing, but themselves. These expensive personal losses are part of the attempt to become proclaimed self-made machines who allege brilliance in their capacity to be successful and genius enough to be calculative in their ability to get what they want.
Yes, we need to keep up. But, not at the expense of others’ and not by abandoning our emotional self.

It’s not about making more money. It’s about making more You.
Who is it that you are?
To know this in your heart requires a Change.
A change in perception.

For the majority the search for meaning in these moments of change is through material excellence and the belief that more money will make you happier. Money is not going to clear up a gnawing personal void deepened by continued unresolved life crisees. An awakened relationship with yourself and how you relate to others is the better option. And this type of emotional fulfillment finds its root in self-esteem. As discussed by Carolyn Myss, self-esteem is made up of two elements namely, love and choice.

Indeed, Love needs to be pure and choice needs to come from self-acceptance rather than through seeking anothers’ approval of who you are or who you should be. Personal voids are filled at this level where deeply ingrained patterns of relating, more challenging to modify, are demanding our attention.

Although financial security has its place, it is not the answer towards emotional fulfillment. The monetary trappings are all mere emotional seductions to pull us away from ourselves and making the personal emotional changes that world consciousness, organizational endurance and individual survival is desperate for.

The defense mechanisms built into human nature and the human psyche are many and complicated says John Powell. I tend to agree. Most people have a tremendous fear of making the emotional changes required because of what has happened to them in their past, and how they have, as a consequence, carefully structured their defenses over the years to avoid much of the same happening all over again. The irony is, because the defenses are structured within that and for that particular painful situation/s, anything new becomes a scary place to be. In the attempt to remove ourselves from the same uncomfortable situation (albeit new), we go back and seek out much of the same kind of relating as before because of the comfort in its familiarity. In so doing, we land up repeating the very pattern we were wanting to avoid. So instead of changing the pattern, we delude ourselves into believing we are changing, when in fact we are simply attempting to find ways to cope in same type of pain masked perhaps by a different relationship. This is where we abandon ourselves and the belief that we are worth more. It is at this point where our self esteem or lack of, resides.

If you look through the seduction, the truth becomes apparent.

Fear of change is caused by the following:
Fear of loss (losing a familiar way of relating to yourself and others),
Feeling vulnerable and hence unsafe emotionally (because I don’t know this way, I don’t know me in this way and you may hurt me because I don’t know how to protect myself your way or a different way other than the old way) and
Being out of control (this is unfamiliar to me and I don’t feel safe emotionally not knowing me in this new space).

No one is saying that emotional change is always easy. It requires a recognition of your own truth, and truth has boundaries. Boundaries may appear limiting to our desire for what we think is independence. It is our perception that when we are independent we have control and choice. This is not entirely true . It is in interdependence that we find our power and freedom to choose.

The lie is that we are striving for independence. We are not.
The Truth is that we are striving for interdependence.
There is a difference.

Steven Covey puts it succinctly. ‘If you want to work on making a quantum change, then work on your perceptions, assumptions, frame of reference and lens through which you view yourself and hence the world around you’.

If our perceptions are based on false emotional frames of reference, no matter how positively we think we’re thinking, nothing substantial will change. If we want change to become apparent in our lives, we have to look inwards and know sincerely that our answers do not lie allowing ourselves to be other peoples’ emotional puppets. Rather our answers lie in knowing that we are worth ourselves.

In the last article on change, I will offer you some important questions and answers that will serve as a guideline towards knowing you more intimately, so that you can afford yourself the opportunity of positive self-esteem and emotional change.
Until next time.

I am 13. I was orally raped and had to perform oral sex on my mother’s ex-boyfriend when I was 5. He threatened to kill me if I didn’t do what he said. He took me down to his basement, and put on sex tapes. Then he told me to copy the lady on TV. Then he made me stroke his penis. Then he urinated in my mouth after he orally raped me. Then he took a shower and made me watch him. G*d that was awful. I still hate him to this day. I have nightmares and suffer from PTSD.

Thanks for reading.
by Kelsey on 27 Aug 2004

I was sexually abused by step father from the time I was 5 (may have been earlier, I seem to remember being VERY young and seeing him naked trying to get me to touch him) until I was 14 years of age.

I remember him starting to teach me about sex (with my mother around) by just talking normally as he would to describe the act to a young child. But soon my mother started working out of home, and being left alone with him, he took it upon himself to show me personally.

I liked it at first. I didn’t think much of it until I started taking sexual ed courses in school when I turned 11. My step-father had told me that it was perfectly natural for a father (I did not know he was a step-father until I turned 18) to physically show and caress his daughter sexually to prepare her for her sexual encounters when she grew up.

I tried to get him to stop a few times, but He started to make me feel shameful when he started questioning my love for him.

I lost my virginity to him when I was 13… at 14 I finally told him to stop. From then on he no longer touched me sexually, but he punished me for anything he could think of.

Everything came out when I turned 17… For 3 years I suffered horrible nightmares and broke down in school in the middle of a math exam. A fellow student’s parent stopped me and I blabbed.

Since it had been too long to prove physically with rape tests, I was called a liar. My step-father had taken a lie-detector test and “passed with flying colors”. When I demanded the police to have one myself, they stated “even if you did pass, we would always take an adult’s word over a child”.

http://www.freewebs.com/tamaralynn/amazing.htm This is the complete story… it’s long, but It’s my experience.

I still feel ashamed about what happened. And even though I’ve found someone I truly love, I sometimes still feel myself shirking away from him. Sex no longer pleases me (mostly due to my Depo-Provera usage, which stopped just over a month ago).

I feel ashamed because I used to go to HIM for comfort and to feel good…

I can’t stop but think that if there is a God, I will spend my eternal afterlife in Hell.
by Tamaraon 6 Sep 2004

When I was 19 years old I was at a party with my friends at a friends house and we were playing cards drinking having lots of fun. I was there with a guy I really liked alot and so we got together and talked and was having fun playing cards, watching movies, drinking, and then one thing led to another and we ended up in the bedroom where we had intercourse. With him I really wanted to be with him and he was so gentle and romantic and he was always asking are you sure you want to do this? I said yes and so we did, afterwards he went to the restroom to clean up I guess and while he was gone I was starting to get dressed when one of the other guys that was at the party came in the room and pushed me on the bed and said “Its my turn”. I said in a shock state, What? He said that he was going to do me now since I was with this other person. I said NO!, and he proceeded to tell me that I wanted it and that I didn’t mean no. So I was crying at this point and scared while he was trying to hold me down, I was screaming for him to get off of me and kept saying NO! After a minute or two seemed like a life time the guy that I was with earlier heard me screaming and came running in the room and pushed the other guy off of me and asked him what the hell he thought he was doing. The other guy laughed and said, well I thought I would have a go at her since you did. That angered the other guy and he told him to get out before he killed him and then he told me to get dressed and then he put his arm around me while I was still crying and said come on I am taking you home. I said ok, and he wrapped me up in his coat and took me home. On the way home he asked me if I wanted to go to a hospital and I said no just take me home. He was crying all the way home with me telling me he was so sorry for leaving me alone in the room that he didn’t think something like that would happen. I said its ok I didn’t think I was going to get hurt either. He stayed with me most of the night and then came everyday after for weeks to make sure I was ok and cryed with me everytime. He was so sweet and thought it was his fault. The whole time I am thinking it is my fault because I was drunk and at a party, I had just had sex with someone else and that maybe I had done something to lead him on. So for many years that is what I thought. I am now 37 yrs old and I still have to run into this person all the time in stores or something because he lives in my home town where I live and the worse thing is, is that he is related to my ex-husbands family so just a year ago I had to sit in the funeral home and the church with him in the same place and to close to me because of the death of a grandmother. That was so hard for me, I was shaking, sick, scared, couldn’t breathe, and wanted to go home. Nobody knows about this still to this day except my new husband and the guy I was with that night. I thought until just recently that I had maybe put in away in a place that I would never have to deal with it again, but I have just in the last 3 weeks started a domestic violence course online for college and it has brought up everything I thought I left behind. I now know it was not my fault and I did not lead him on or deserve it. I am still having my days now that I just want to sit and cry or something because I am so angry with what he did to me. Because of him it is hard to have sexual relations with my husband now and every time I have to go to my O.B. and have a pap I cry the whole time and for 2 days after, even though it is a woman doctor, I still feel like I am being violated again.
Well that is my story and thank you for letting me share this with all of you on this site.

Thank you,

Tammie Clark

The night it happened I had just came home from a week of Christian camp. I felt good and more close to God than I had been before in life. I knew life at home wasn’t great but I also knew that others had it worst than me. I was willing to come home and deal with my distant mother and depressed younger brother. I had made it my mission to bring them to happiness through Christianity. I was welcomed home by my mother who was smiling for the first time in two years(since my father died). She came to me and hugged me and told me she had someone she needed me to meet. A man walked from out of the kitchen and greeted me. I remember feeling mad. I hadn’t thought of my mother dating since my father died. I said Hi and then went to my room to pray and then I feel asleep. When I woke up my mothers boyfriend was on the edge of my bed staring at me. I asked what he was doing and he just put his fingers to his lips, telling me to be quiet. I looked at my alarm clock and saw that it was 3 in the morning. I figured my mom and brother were both sleeping. I went to get up when he touched my arm, telling me to lay back down. I wasn’t nervous because I never thought of anything like this happening to me. So I got out of bed against his wishes and he grabbed my arm and forced me back down onto the bed. I knew what he was going to do but I didn’t believe it. He pulled up my skirt and took off my underwear, while I did nothing to stop him (I’ve had a hard time coping with that). When he put himself inside of me I started to cry uncontrollably. He held his hand over my mouth to keep me quiet. The pain was unbearable. When he was done he stood and told me to keep my mouth shut. I heard him go back down the hall to my mothers room. I lay in bed for awhile believing that I had just woken up from a nightmare. It has been 6 months since that night. I am 15 and I don’t believe that I will be able to date or trust a guy for a long time. I didn’t say anything and my mother continued to date him until two months ago. He never touched me or talked to me again but He has forever changed my life. I went into a deep depression and stopped eating. I stopped going to church and talking to my friends and I started cutting myself. this is the fist time I’m sharing my story. I don’t think that I will be able to do it with the people who know me. I’m trying to move on with my life but I feel stuck. I believe that sharing me story is the first step to moving on in my life.
by Candace on 20 Jan 2006

For me, it began with a visit to my biological father (at age 13), whom I had no memory of, since my Mother left him when I was less than a year old. My older brother lived with him until he was 10, then came to live with us. He talked all the time about how great our father was, so eventually I became adamant about meeting him myself. My Mother was reluctant, knowing what he really was, but knew that I had to find out for myself. Understand that she did not know he was sexually abusive, only that he had been physically abusive to her, and his other wives. Feeling that I would be safe, as long as my brother was with me, she allowed me to go. The first day was wonderful, he was caring and compassionate, curious about my life. The next day, he started drinking and that night he called me into his bedroom. At first I thought that him rubbing my leg while talking to me was “fatherly” love, but soon it turned into rubbing between my legs and telling me to take my clothes off. When I resisted, he threatened to tell my brother, who was asleep in the next room, that I had initiated the contact and that he would ensure that I would never see him again if I did not comply. I idolized my brother, I had only been with him for a very few years, and honestly had no idea of the whole sex thing so I didn’t know what was in store for me, so I complied with his wishes, after all, he was my father, wasn’t he? I was forced to have compliant “adult” sex, being directed to moan correctly, say that he was the best, ask for more and tell him that I loved him. Over the next two weeks, this was a nightly ritual, with him trying to talk me into staying to live with him, as his wife. During the day, when the three of us would go sightseeing, he would send my brother off on some errand so that he could touch me, getting me “ready for the night”. Finally I had had enough, called my Mother from a payphone, in tears, and asked to come home, never telling her why, just that he was mean to me. I buried the whole thing, and went on with a life filled with self-destructive behavior, drinking, drugs, thoughts of suicide and putting myself in positions where I was abused by other men in various ways. I never told a soul until I was 21, married, and had a flashback during sex with my husband. He must has though I was crazy. I opened my eyes while he was on top of me and saw the face of my father. I screamed, cried and tried to hide in the corner. When he finally got me to come out, I was able to relate a small part of the story to him and he forced me into counseling. It only took one session with a doctor who told me it was ok to be angry and that it wasn’t my fault. That’s when the healing began. Over the years I have read countless books on violence and began to understand that my father had a pathological hatred of women. He beat them all, he had 7 wives and many children, only one of which I know. 30 years later, I am strong, able to tell my story, willing to tell my story to help others understand that you really can emerge from the darkness. Don’t let your fear stop you, take baby steps if you have to, but don’t let your abuser continue to rule your life. You are not alone, reach out and you will find that there are many of us willing to help, and that you can help, just by understanding. Nobody truly understands what we feel, unless they have been there. If you have been there, you have the capacity to make something positive out of your pain and your abuser has lost the battle over your soul.
by Tammyon 3 Mar 2004