How to Resolve Conflict in Your Marriage
by Gillian Markson
14 JUL 2006 07:14 PM

The easiest answer to how to resolve conflict in your marriage is communication, but learning how to communicate effectively can be tough, so here are some tips on how to begin to do that.
First you need to figure out exactly what the conflict is. Poor communication skills, mistrust, insecurities, and lack of respect are among the common conflicts in a marriage. In marriages that have lasted for awhile, the conflict maybe something like lack of passion or boredom-maybe the feeling of being stuck. The first thing you need to agree on is that a conflict exists. If one of you is in denial, or accuses the other of over reacting or trying to “pick a fight where there is none,” than there is a lack of respect in the home- because whether you agree with your spouse or not, their perceptions of the situation are valid, despite how you feel about it.

A good exercise to get started on resolving conflict is for the two of you to sit down and write out all the aspects of your marriage which you enjoy. It’s always better to start out with the positive; it makes the negative seem less intense.
Then write out three areas you would improve if you could do anything to change the way the marriage is going. Write as much detail as possible, it will help to clarify ideas during the discussion. Try not to blame or provoke, it won’t help the situation and is childish. I find it very helpful to have these notes when we go into a discussion about conflict in our marriage, as I tend to forget the points I want to make after the discussion has started. Nothing is more frustrating than not being able to articulate!
If your marriage has severe conflict you may want to seek out some type of mediator for your discussion. It could be a conflict resolution specialist, your clergyman, or even a mutual friend whom you both feel comfortable with.
If you’re catching the conflict early, you probably won’t need a mediator. If your communication has been fairly good during your marriage, you’ve most likely avoided letting the conflict escalate unchecked to the point where professional intervention is necessary, but if you have, be honest with each other about needing help. Ignoring the elephant in the room leads to resentment and distrust, two killers for today’s marriages. Next, using your lists, discuss the situation by really listening to each other. Look into your spouses eyes as they speak, and pay attention to what they are saying. Practice drawing out as much detail and examples as possible, so that the two of you can get a clear picture of how each of you perceives the situation.
Become solution oriented. You can discuss the situation until the cows come home and not get anywhere, which is typically what happens without a concrete plan to resolve the conflicts that both of you are willing to try. Keep your focus on what the two of you can do to resolve the conflict, and if you can be open minded, the answers will come. Remember that above all, you love each other.

SOLVING CONFLICT IN RELATIONSHIPS

4 BASIC PRINCIPLES FOR CONFLICT SOLUTION IN A MATURE, CONSCIOUS, AND LOVING RELATIONSHIP

1 . Take Full Responsibility
When you are done thinking about what your partner/friend has done to you, please try and look for your contribution to the situation. You will always find it if you truly look.

2. Get in Touch with Your Feelings, State Your Feelings, and Know You Are Entitled to Feel Your Feelings
Ask yourself how you feel and tell your partner/friend. Hiding or keeping your feelings to yourself builds resentment. Tell your partner/friend what their actions made you feel. It is not a good idea to try and guess their motivation, or to tell them what they should or not do! If you open your heart and state your feelings, it will make your partner/friend conscious and aware of their actions and impact on you. Good chance they will treat you better next time.

3. Accept and Love Yourself
When you find you made a mistake, and you feel bad about yourself, PLEASE REMEMBER TO:

Love yourself for being aware and for recognizing your mistakes.
Embrace who you are, and give yourself a lot of time and patience. It took so many years to become who you are, it will take more than a realization to change acquired habits and patterns of behavior.
Ask your partner/friend to accept and embrace who you are, and give you lots of time, patience and love.
4. Develop and Maintain Your Sense of Humor
Don’t take things too seriously and or personally. It takes the fun out of life. Laugh at yourself and bring lightness to the heart.

Our Love Quiz Can Improve Your Marriage

Helen Fisher, PhD
Rutgers University

Chemistry is more than just a metaphor for romantic compatibility. Brain chemicals really do play a role in determining to whom we are attracted and the strengths and tensions in our relationships.
My research has identified four main “love types” — Explorer, Builder, Director and Negotiator — based on whether the chemical dopamine, serotonin, testosterone or estrogen is dominant in a person’s brain. A little over a year ago, I reported in Bottom Line/Personal on some of my research. Here, more on how to make your relationships stronger by knowing your love type…

WHICH TYPE ARE YOU?

Each of us is a combination of all four types and may express any of the four styles depending on the situation. However, we tend to act according to one type most often. For clues to your love type, answer “yes” or “no” to the following questions…

1. I do things spur of the moment.

2. I have a wide range of interests.

3. I am more creative than most.

4. My friends and family would say that I have traditional values.

5. I think consistent routines keep life orderly and relaxing.

6. People should behave according to standards of proper conduct.

7. I am able to solve problems without letting emotion get in the way.

8. Debating is a good way to match my wits with others.

9. I am more analytical and logical than most people.

10. I like to get to know my friends’ deepest needs and feelings.

11. After an emotional film, I often still feel moved by it hours later.

12. When I wake from a vivid dream, I need a few seconds to return to reality.

SCORING

If you answered “yes” to questions 1, 2 and 3, you probably are an Explorer. (Dopamine is dominant.)

Explorers love novelty, spontaneity, freedom and risk. They are curious, creative, offbeat, magnetic, flexible, optimistic and full of energy.

If you answered “yes” to questions 4, 5 and 6, you probably are a Builder. (Serotonin is dominant.)

Builders are guardians of tradition and respecters of authority. Cautious but not fearful, they prefer rules and routines and are comfortable with statistics and concrete details. They are calm, orderly, persistent, patient and frugal. Builders also are highly social — community-oriented, cooperative and loyal.

If you answered “yes” to questions 7, 8 and 9, you probably are a Director. (Testosterone is dominant.) Although testosterone is popularly thought of as a male hormone, Directors can be male or female.

Directors are decisive, exacting, competitive, ambitious and self-contained. They say what they mean. Logical and analytical, they excel in technical fields, such as engineering, computer sciences and mechanical repairs. Their focus tends to be narrow, but they go deeply into areas that interest them.

If you answered “yes” to questions 10, 11 and 12, you probably are a Negotiator. (Estrogen is dominant, but Negotiators can be female or male.)

Negotiators are big-picture thinkers — imaginative, open to possibility and comfortable with ambiguity. They are empathetic, intuitive, emotionally expressive and sensitive to others’ needs, as well as introspective and aware of their own internal processes. Negotiators are adept with words and have good people skills — they are agreeable and read tone and gesture well.

If you answered “yes” to questions in more than one category, choose the category in which you had the most “yes” answers. If there is a tie, you exhibit traits from all those categories.

NATURAL PAIRINGS

Some love types are natural fits…

Explorer-Explorer. Explorers make ideal playmates for each other. They delight in spur-of-the-moment adventures and lusty sex. They don’t bicker over details or get on each other’s nerves.

Advice for Explorer-Explorer pairs: Be willing to set limits together — unrestrained Explorers can burn each other out. Because novelty is so appealing to Explorers, adultery is a danger. Both partners need the resolve to say a strong “no” to temptation.

Builder-Builder. Builders enjoy sharing family traditions and social networks. They make joint plans, stick to schedules and appreciate frugality.

Advice for Builder-Builder pairs: Because Builders believe that there is one right way to do things, stubbornness can be a problem — disagreements over trivial matters can lead to a stalemate. Builders need to work on letting go of the little things and focusing on their shared values.

Director-Negotiator. The see-all-sides Negotiator benefits from the Director’s decisiveness, while the demanding, analytical Director appreciates the Negotiator’s social skills. They have lively discussions — the Director’s depth of knowledge is complemented by the Negotiator’s contextual perspective.

Advice for Director-Negotiator pairs: When this couple argues, the Director is likely to fly off the handle and then quickly forget about the incident, while the Negotiator may nurse hurt feelings for years. A Director and Negotiator should agree on how they will deal with flare-ups — perhaps by going to separate rooms until tempers cool.

The Director needs to risk revealing deeper feelings to the Negotiator. And when the Negotiator needs something, he/she needs to say so.

CHALLENGING PAIRINGS

These pairings are more challenging, but any pairing can work if partners make allowances for their differences…

Explorer-Builder. An Explorer can add stimulation to a Builder’s quiet life, while the Builder provides security. But over time, the Explorer may feel constrained and the Builder neglected.

Advice for Explorer-Builder pairs: Look for ways to combine adventure and stability.

Example: A trip with friends to a mountain lodge, where the Builder can socialize by the lake while the Explorer goes rock climbing.

Builder-Director. Both types are emotionally contained and value persistence, calm and order. However, both like to be in control, leading to potential conflict. Also, the Director’s boldness and self-reliance may clash with the Builder’s cautious nature.

Advice for Builder-Director pairs: Focus on mutual goals. The Director’s ambition, combined with the Builder’s planning skills and social network, can make for a comfortable home and stature in the community.

Explorer-Negotiator. Both are curious, imaginative and open-minded. Tensions stem from different expectations of intimacy. For the Explorer, intimacy means doing things together… talking helps the Negotiator feel close.

Advice for Explorer-Negotiator pairs: The Negotiator needs to recognize that fun can be bonding. The Explorer should practice looking the Negotiator in the face during conversations and make an effort to speak the language of emotions.

Example: The Explorer might tell stories about past adventures that include some speculation about how the experience changed him/her.

Director-Explorer. Both types are unconventional, inventive, irreverent and highly sexual — all areas of strong compatibility. But the Director spends long hours at work, while the Explorer is more interested in having a good time. The Director’s deep knowledge about a subject may seem obsessive to the Explorer. The Explorer’s broad interests and hedonism may strike the Director as superficial.

Advice for Director-Explorer pairs: Since neither is possessive, each can pursue his/her interests independently without worrying that the other will feel left out. But schedule shared activities to avoid drifting apart.
Builder-Negotiator. Both value strong, stable relationships. However, the Builder may be befuddled by the Negotiator’s emotionalism, and the Negotiator disappointed by the Builder’s lack of introspection and imagination.

Advice for Builder-Negotiator pairs: Make the most of commonalities — nurturing, nest-building, community ties.

Director-Director. Directors appreciate each other’s straightforward style, competence and drive. Directors don’t like to fail, which makes them willing to ride out difficulties.

Advice for Director-Director pairs: Beware of workaholism. Directors often don’t make time for each other, so put shared activities on the schedule and commit to them.

Negotiator-Negotiator. These couples are highly sensitive to each other’s feelings, have inspired conversations and go to great lengths to please each other. Yet they easily can become mired in analysis of the relationship and paralyzed by minor decisions.

Advice for Negotiator-Negotiator pairs: Set time limits on discussions of relationship dynamics.

Bottom Line/Personal interviewed Helen Fisher, PhD, research professor of anthropology at Rutgers University, New Brunswick, New Jersey, and chief scientific adviser to the online dating site Chemistry.com. She is author of Why Him? Why Her? Finding Real Love by Understanding Your Personality Type

Six Steps for Resolving Conflicts
by Naomi Drew, M.A.
author of Hope and Healing

Company owner Mark Burnes dealt with conflict every day. If it wasn’t with vendors and clients, it was with his ex-wife or teen-aged son. Things started to change when Mark began using conflict resolution skills. “I used to add fuel to the fire by getting stuck in my position. Now I take a step back, breathe deep, and listen. The more I do that, the easier it is to solve problems.”

Mark learned that conflicts don’t need to be volatile and negative. Conflicts can actually lead to increased understanding and creative thinking. It’s how we deal with conflict that determines the outcome.

In this era of school and workplace shootings, road rage, airport rage, and even supermarket rage, knowing how to resolve conflicts can save a life. Beyond that, conflict resolution skills can improve relationships and deepen understanding.

A system for resolving conflicts used by families and educators around the country is called The Win/Win Guidelines . Based on methods from diplomacy and counseling, these guidelines were initially developed for use in public schools. The results were so good that teachers, parents, and school administrators began using them in their own lives. Now this system is being used internationally.

Here’s how you can use the Win/Win Guidelines for any conflicts that may arise :

Step 1: Cool off.
Conflicts can’t be solved in the face of hot emotions. Take a step back, breathe deep, and gain some emotional distance before trying to talk things out. As success coach Natalie Gahrmann says, “When I take the time to breathe and regain my focus I can create the opportunity to choose my response rather than just react. If I try to skip this step, my words are too emotionally loaded.”

Take a moment to brainstorm ten things that make you feel better when you’re hot under the collar. Consider some of the following: breathing deeply while making a calming statement, looking at the sky, clearing your desk or straightening up, splashing cold water on the face, writing in a journal, or taking a quick walk and then coming back to talk about the problem. Some people need physical release, while others need something quiet and cerebral. Determine what works for you, then use it next time you get angry. Then you’ll be ready to go on to the next step.

Step 2: Tell what’s bothering you using “I messages.”
”I messages” are a tool for expressing how we feel without attacking or blaming. By starting from “I” we take responsibility for the way we perceive the problem.
This is in sharp contrast to “you messages” which put others on the defensive and close doors to communication. A statement like, “You’ve left the kitchen a mess again! Can’t you ever clean up after yourself?” will escalate the conflict. Now take a look at how differently an “I message comes across: “I’m annoyed because I thought we agreed you’d clean up the kitchen after using it. What happened?”

When making “I” statements it’s important to avoid put-downs, guilt-trips, sarcasm, or negative body language. We need to come from a place inside that’s non-combative and willing to compromise. A key credo in conflict resolution is, “It’s us against the problem, not us against each other.” “I messages” enable us to convey this.

Step 3: Each person restates what they heard the other person say.
Reflective listening demonstrates that we care enough to hear the other person out, rather than just focusing on our own point of view. It actually fosters empathy. Mark Burnes describes how he used reflective listening the time he walked into the middle of a shouting match between his ex-wife and teen-aged son.

“No sooner had I walked in the door to pick up Randy than he and his mother erupted into battle. In the past I might have shouted for them to stop, only to have been drawn into the fray. Instead I took a deep breath, gathered my thoughts, and chose my words carefully. I calmly asked them each if they could tell me what had happened. Then I reflected back what they said. My willingness to listen helped them listen too. They were actually able to come to a compromise, something I’d never before thought possible.”

Step 4: Take responsibility.
In the majority of conflicts, both parties have some degree of responsibility. However, most of us tend blame rather than looking at our own role in the problem. When we take responsibility we shift the conflict into an entirely different gear, one where resolution is possible.

Fifty-two year old Nancy Martin talked about how taking responsibility averted a major falling-out with her husband. “We were getting ready to go to a family gathering, and as usual I was running late. When my husband Bill spotted me puttering around in the living room, he completely lost it. At the sound of his angry voice, I responded defensively, and then we were on our way to an ugly confrontation.

But this time, instead of going into my defensive posture I walked away for a few minutes, took some deep breaths, and got my bearings. When I walked back into the room I was able to hear him out. Bill told me that he was so frustrated at having to wait for me whenever we went out. He also spoke about punctuality as something he highly valued. As I listened to his words a funny thing happened: I realized he was right. I did need to get a handle on my habitual lateness. It was then that I apologized. My husband ended up giving me a hug and thanking me. What might have become a full-blown fight actually turned into a moment of drawing closer.

Step 5: Brainstorm solutions and come up with one that satisfies both people.
Resolving conflicts is a creative act. There are many solutions to a single problem. The key is a willingness to seek compromises.

Kindergarten teacher Connie Long describes how her students started having fewer conflicts when they learned how to brainstorm solutions: “My kids were constantly getting into arguments over crayons, erasers, toys, you name it. After introducing peacemaking my students started finding ways to solve the problem instead of just getting stuck in their own positions. For example, when Ronnie and Jamie both grabbed the yellow truck, I took them aside and asked if they could come up with five ways to solve the problem. They thought about it and then suggested taking turns, sharing, getting another truck from the toy chest, doing a different activity , and building a truck together out of Legos. This is the kind of thinking I’m seeing more and more. Brainstorming has opened my children’s mind to new possibilities.

Step 6: Affirm, forgive, or thank.
A handshake, hug, or kind word gives closure to the resolution of conflicts. Forgiveness is the highest form of closure. Minister Fredrick Buechner says, “When you forgive somebody . . . you’re spared the dismal corrosion of bitterness and wounded pride. For both parties, forgiveness means the freedom again to be at peace inside their own skins and to be glad in each others’ presence.” What a legacy we can leave to our children as we teach and model this.

Just saying thank you at the end of a conflict, or acknowledging the person for working things out sends a message of conciliation and gratitude. We preserve our relationships this way, strengthening our connections and working through problems that arise.

Conflict resolution has applications in every walk of life.

As a police officer described: “Knowing conflict resolution has helped me come from a base of understanding no matter who I’m dealing with. Instead of just reacting, I calm myself and listen to what people have to say. If people feel like you understand, they tend to become less volatile.”

A graduate student dealing with room-mate difficulties: “I told my roommate what was on my mind and asked him to do the same. We listened to each others’ point of view. By talking it out we gained empathy toward one another. The resolution came as we began to understand each others feelings.”

A teacher in conflict with a colleague over the use of space: “When I expressed my point of view through “I messages” without placing blame, we were able to come up with a fair solution, a compromise we could both live with.

A mother of a three year-old : In the past, the fiery look in my son’s eyes would put me right over the edge. It would lead to a screaming match, marking the beginning of a very bad day. Now I breathe deeply, make a calming statement, and remind myself not to yell. I use “I messages” too. “You messages” tend to inflame him. For example, if he refuses to dress I might say, “I’ll put your clothes right here. As soon as you’re dressed you can have breakfast with us.” It’s working; the power struggles are lessening.

A ten year-old boy: My little brother started cutting off the ribbons on my helium balloons. I was furious! Instead of going after him, I went upstairs, cooled off, and came back when I felt calmer. I gave him an “I message: “I’m really upset about what you did to my balloons. You wouldn’t like it if I did that to something of yours!” I said it in a such respectful way my brother was shocked. He said, “I’m really sorry. Would you help me fix them?”

Think of your own life. Who are you in conflict with? Imagine applying this system to work things out. Think of the impact on all your relationships. Peace starts with each of us and sometimes we need to take the first step. As Gandhi once said, “We must be the change we wish to see in others.”

MANAGING CONFLICT IN MARRIAGE

by David and Claudia Arp

Constructive arguing involves expressing negative feelings in a positive way … It is not unlike learning to speak a new language.

Deal with your own anger

When we have negative feelings, we need to look inward before we can relate outward. Dr. Harriet Lerner, in The Dance of Anger, points out, “When emotional intensity is high, many of us engage in nonproductive efforts to change the other person, and in so doing, fail to exercise our power to clarify and change our own selves.”

She suggests several questions to ask yourself:

What am I really angry about?
What is the problem and whose problem is it?
How can I sort out who is responsible for what?
How can I learn to express my anger in a way that will not leave me feeling helpless and powerless?
When I am angry, how can I clearly communicate my position without becoming defensive or attacking?
What risks and losses might I face if I become clearer and more assertive?
When dealing with our own anger, remember that we can change no other person by direct action. We can only change ourselves. But an interesting thing happens when we change our responses — others may change in response to us.

Dr. Lerner notes we are responsible for our own behavior. But we are not responsible for other people’s reactions; nor are they responsible for ours … We begin to use our anger as a vehicle for change when we are able to share our reactions without holding the other person responsible for causing our feelings, and without blaming ourselves for the reactions that other people have in response to our choices and actions.

Steps for resolving conflict

There are a number of problem-solving formulas, but most contain four steps:

State the problem. Too often couples try to resolve conflict without agreeing on what the conflict really is! We find it helpful to write it out so that we’re both trying to resolve the same thing.
Identify what is at stake and what each has invested. Who has the greatest need for a solution?
List possible solutions. The more the merrier. We brainstorm and think of as many solutions as possible. And remember, adding humor will relieve stress and lighten up any situation.
Choose one and try it! If your first choice doesn’t work, don’t give up, check your list and try another possible solution and then another till something works . . .
Three ways to resolve issues

Give a gift of love. We ask if whatever we are talking about is more important to one than to the other. Then the one to whom it is less important may simply agree to give in and give a gift of love. The Scriptures tell us it is more blessed to give than to receive, and this is certainly true in marriage — unless it’s one person who is doing all of the giving, and then you have another problem!
The second way to find resolution is for each to give a little; to meet somewhere in the middle. Many times we compromise.
There are other times when we simply agree to disagree, and that’s the third way to settle an issue. Some things aren’t that important, and as we said, we don’t need to agree on everything. We agree with Ray Ortlund: “Why do we have to agree, or win, or conclude every discussion? Some great truths are opposites and must forever be held in tension … a little turbulence can be healthy for the second half of marriage …”
So let us encourage you to let anger, conflict and humor enrich your relationship. One of these days, it may save your life. It did ours!

Excerpted from The Second Half of Marriage by David and Claudia Arp, published by Zondervan Publishing House. Copyright © 1996 David and Claudia Arp. Used by permission.
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Background Information

The Second Decade of Love
Before the kids leave home, find a renaissance in your marriage.

We Need to Talk
Sometimes the biggest problem in a marriage is a matter of words.

Questions and Answers

What distinguishes a healthy marriage from one that is in serious trouble? How can a husband and wife know when their conflicts are within normal limits and when they are symptoms of more serious problems?
Answer

There are times when I just don’t want to talk at all. My husband understands, but my kids get upset. Can’t I just be quiet if I want to?
Answer

My husband and I never talk about the subject of sex, and this is frustrating to me. Is this a common problem in marriage?
Answer

What advice would you give to a woman whose husband just won’t respond to her emotionally? That’s my situation. My husband would rather keep his thoughts to himself. How can I deal with the longing inside me?
Answer

Destructive Conflict in Marriage – Ending the Negative Behavior
By Brian Leiphart

To end destructive conflict in marriage first take a look at the negative behaviors that create the conflict. What is it that is the underlying cause of the conflict. It’s a sure guarantee that it isn’t the cap on the toothpaste or the toilet seat being left up, although they can both ignite the conflicts.

For any relationship to be viable there are two core elements that need to be in place. Respect and trust are the most valuable assets in a relationship. Without either of these the relationship is destined for rough choppy waters ahead with a good chance of sinking.

Both people in any relationship are equally responsible for their own actions and this is where most relationships begin to go astray. Conflict erupts. A common negative behavior emerges here. A partner points out something unsettling or bothersome, the other partner in defense mode reminds them that they had previously done something equal to or worse than their offense and the game begins.

Spiralling downward these seemingly minor conflicts become larger than life over time because of the cumulative effect of the negative behavior. It’s simply not fair to engage this way and employ petty “one upmanship”.

A more positive approach to these situations is to first take a good look at yourself. What negative behaviors do you regularly engage in? Don’t answer that with “but my partner does…to me!”. This is about first taking personal responsibility for your own actions.

If you can make yourself more aware of where things get off track then you know where to begin. The next time your partner is bothered by something you’ve done then you are in the mindset to respond positively. Try responding with, “I’m sorry, now that I know that is important to you I’ll try to” and finish with what is appropriate whether it is an action or task or unsavory habit.

Approaching conversation this way is a big first step to opening your selves up to more positive communication. Your partner’s feelings are validated and there is no point of engagement to lead in to bickering.

With this approach your partner will soon notice the shift and will likely follow your lead. This will eventually get you to the point where you can openly and calmly discuss what is truly important to each of you in your relationship.

Clearly define your role in negative behaviors and take personal responsibility for them. You will soon be on a path to ending destructive conflict in your marriage or relationship.

We wouldn’t jump out of a plane without proper training and preparation. Marriage is a big leap of faith yet with proper preparation it is possible to build a marriage that will withstand the test of time. For a limited time you can visit our site for a free mini course to Save Your Marriage Today

We’ve compiled the resources to help whether you need to rekindle your love in your marriage or trying to fire up the passion. If you are concerned about losing your spouse or are searching for the relationship you desire we have brought together insightful people and programs to help you attain the relationship you deserve. Visit us now to discover more. When you visit our site be sure to sign up for our free reports on Successful Relationships

Conflict in a Relationship

Number One Rule in Relationship Conflict Management:
Taking the conflict at hand into perspective, how will this conflict appear in 20 years? If it appears for lack of a better term, stupid, then the conflict is usually isn’t worth continuing. Usually a conflict that wouldn’t hold significance with 20 years retrospective analysis, isn’t worth the conflict it is currently causing. Usually, the conflict is being fueled by underlying issues that have nothing to do with the current topic of argument.

Number Two Rule: Conflict, in relationships that are usually older than 3 years, serve to enhance passion, as long as the conflict follows a set “rules of rules”. Conflict that doesn’t follow a “code of engagement” is doomed to be destructive. Sarcasm rarely has a place in conflict resolution. Sarcasm usually acts to “cut” and put someone in defensive posture. Defensive posturing doesn’t add to conflict resolution.

If you are going to be in conflict, make sure it is worth the trouble.

Three Basic Types of Conflict:

*Two of which are necessary.

Conflict that has no potential resolution and is based on individual differences*

Conflict that has positive potential to create passion*

Conflict that is destructive and is driven by our needs to control

Kind of ironic how two people that initially come together with positive chemistry and sparkling eyes can turn on each other in a flash and wage a war of verbal ferocity that cuts so personal and deep that they end up despising each other. So you might ask what could possibly be considered positive about conflict in a relationship? Well, the answer is passion. In the early stages of relationships we rely on brain chemicals and hormone responses to drive our attractions. These chemicals put us in the mood to be in the presence of the other person. Then, while in the company of this other person we decide whether more non chemical based affection develops out of admiration and respect for this other person. If this happens, then a serious relationship blooms and progresses. However, a funny thing happens next. As we spend more time with the other person and the initial hypnotic effects of the courtship chemicals wear off, and each person begins to remember that they are also an individual, not just a couple. When this occurs, individual desires and priorities come back into focus. If the couples priorities differ from time to time conflict develops. This conflict can be more intense when both individuals feel strongly about their point of view. Here conflict is engaged to maintain and affirm each individuals identity. Conflict that arises out of different points of view doesn’t need resolution, but needs mutual respect.

In relationships where the courtship chemistry has warn off, conflict can be engaged in to create passion. True passion will recreate the courtship chemicals. It is more necessary as the age of the relationship progresses to engage in structured safe conflict to enhance passion. This resolution of this type of conflict creates the waves of passion. Women have an innate sense of a relationships need for this because they are emotions based. Again, this type of conflict needs to be accepted, not fixed, but its resolution engaged as a process. It is important that this type of conflict have a mutually agreed upon set of rules for engagement and resolution. Breaking out of these accepted rules throws the conflict into the destructive type that is considered control oriented conflict.

Control based conflict is usually where most relationships head south and disintegrate. A unique “dance” of control arises out of each person’s attempt to drive the relationship away from areas that may be perceived as uncomfortable and is amplified by a person’s insecurities, which are usually based on “old baggage”. This type of conflict is driven by subconscious insecurities and has the highest percentage of “selective amnesia” when it comes to a person taking responsibility for their controlling behavior. This type of conflict has no “real-time” psycho-spiritual growth potential for either party, and because of the negative issues that drive this control oriented conflict, the damage that occurs often ends the relationship.

The Solution:

May a conscious effort to stop momentarily at any conflict and think to yourself

Is this conflict about differences in opinions That is allowable and doesn’t need resolution.

Does this conflict come when passion is needed or wanted in a relationship?

If this feels really uncomfortable, voice that discomfort, and ask for compassion in what may be irrational feelings.

Inject humor into the diffusing of uncomfortable conflict. This is not to be confused with sarcasm, which has no place in loving relationships. Sarcasm is condescension personally directed to put a person into a defense posture. Sarcasm is offensive and meant to control. Life was meant to be fun. Humor is fun.

Constructive fighting maintains each persons sense of value.

Destructive fighting destroys a persons sense of worth. People don’t like to feel worthless.

Women fight from emotion

Men don’t understand emotion.

Men fight from logic

Logic doesn’t hear emotion.

When a man to does anything else but listen in any conflict started by a woman. This would be the same as trying to play racquetball without a racquet, and without any clothes. When a man tries to talk in that conflict, he now walks onto the court “exposed” to a partner wielding a racquet and many hard rubber balls. Not quite the place to be dangling around.

Don’t interrogate when communicating. People don’t like to feel like they are on trial.

Don’t blame

Explain why you are angry.

DON’T HIT

Verbal attack can be just as damaging as physical.

Don’t try and fix a mad woman. Just let her be mad and it’ll usually just goes away. Try and fix mad, or rationalize her anger to her and your goose is cooked.

If you walk away from a fight, set a time to come back. Don’t walk out indefinitely just to spite her. Bad move, bad results.

It is alright to disagree.

Agree that it is alright to disagree.

Constructive fighting enhances passion in a relationship that is no longer in the honeymoon stage.

If you fight, fight naked.

Techniques of conflict resolution; Marriage conflict management

Written by: Lisa Levin, student of psychology, University of Umeå, Sweden, under guidance of Gunborg Palme, certified psychologist, certified psychotherapist, teacher and tutor in psychotherapy.

Answer:
The word conflict comes from the latin word “conflictio” which means “altercation”. Conflicts, disagreements and problems in working together will always occur, both among children and adults.

Conflicts can occur in all levels of society; between individuals, in families, workgroups, in local and central decision making, and in society as a whole. There are different reasons why conflicts occur, for example different goals, values or interests, misunderstanding of situations, unsatisfied needs. To live with unsolved conflicts takes energy and may cause people to feel burdened and divided. Because of this, it is important not to shut one’s eyes to conflict. Instead, one should try to understand the cause of the conflict and its effects, and then try to influence or resolve the conlfict.

To openly accept conflicts requires courage and willpower. There are many reasons why people choose to suppress understanding of a conflict. Here are some ways of thinking that suppress conflicts:

There is no possibillity to make things better!
I can get in trouble if I try to interfere!
It is best not to think about it!
Am I really able to do something about it?
Perhaps I am the only person who feels that something is wrong!
Someone else will do something about it!
Experiences at an early age often play an important role in how you understand situations. Stress caused by conflict may cause you to use different defence mechanisms. By not accepting that there is a conflict, you try to live with a “harmony model” of reality. Critique and suggestions for change are not understood, because the existence of the conflict is not accepted. But if, instead, a conflict is accepted and solved, this will cause better understanding of the thoughts, feelings and needs of each other, and can also result in more openness, creativity and community. Thus, the conflict can cause a relation or a group to improve itself.

Below is described a model for good problem-solving. The model consists of the following six steps:

Identify and define the problem: Describe the problem in ways which are not based on critique or disdain. “I” statements are the most effective way of formulating a problem. This means that you start with your own feelings and ideas. Be an active listener, let other people state their views, try to understand your opponent, and ask check questions to ensure that you have not misunderstood something. Understanding the views of your opponent can cause you to see the problem in a new way. But do not suppress your own feelings. If you do not say what you feel, your opponent may not be motivated to resolve the problem. Ensure that your opponent understands that you have to find a resolution which satisfies both needs – a solution where no one is a loser, a so-called win-win solution.
Propose different solutions: It is not always easy to immediately see the best solution. Ask your opponent to start proposing solutions – you will have time to propose your ideas later on. Employ active listening techniques and respect the ideas of your opponent. Try to list several different solutions, before evaluating and discussing them.
Evaluate the different solutions: Be frank and critical, use active listening.
Making a decision: A common agreement on a solution is necessary. The solution must be specified in such a way that both parties understand it. Do not try to persuade or press your opponent to accept a certain solution. If your opponent is not able to freely select a solution, which he or she can accept, there is a risk that nothing is improved.
Carry out the solution: Immediately after having agreed on a solution, it is usually necessary to discuss how to implement it. Who will do what, and when? If your opponent does not adhere to what you have agreed on, you should confront them with “I” statements. But do not again and again remind your opponent of their tasks – this will cause them to rely on your reminders instead of taking own responsibility for their own behaviour.
Perform a follow-up evaluation: Sometimes, you may find that there are weaknesses in the solution. Both parties should be willing to revise decisions, but this should be done together, not by one of you alone. You have to agree on all changes to the solution – just as you have to agree on the original solution.
Test to perform these steps, but remember that your best method for effective conflict resolution is active listening, open and direct statements, trust and respect for each other’s needs, openness to new facts and patience.
Note: By “active listening” is meant techniques where you check that you have understood what other people mean by rephrasing their views, checking that they agree with your understanding of their views, and asking check questions when needed.

Saving Your Marriage – Conflict Resolution in Saving Your Marriage
By Abraham Lee

The Importance of Good Conflict Resolution

No two persons are completely alike. Even though there are mutual interests, shared likes and dislikes and common tastes between couples, there will still be differences of opinion and variances in personal ways. These differences may lead to schisms and disagreements which may even result in confrontations, arguments and fights. Therefore in any successful relationship, conflict resolution is an essential trait. Good conflict resolution skills may very well save your marriage. But there is an enemy of good conflict resolution within each one of us.

The Enemy of Conflict Resolution

The enemy of conflict resolution is pride. Pride blocks the path towards admitting your own wrong, asking for forgiveness from your partner and taking the first step towards reconciliation. Pride in you will insist on your own way and refuse to compromise on what you want even though it hurts your marriage. Since you have to overcome pride, does that mean that you become completely subservient to your partner and obey his every whim and fancy?

I am not saying you should become like a puppet to your partner without a will of your own. There are certain things that cannot be compromised. For example, having an affair is not allowed and physical abuse cannot be tolerated. But in a marriage, these non-negotiable things are few. In most things a certain degree of compromise is possible and even crucial in saving your marriage. Thus, be humble, swallow your pride and be willing to make compromises and adjustments for the sake of saving your marriage. I would like to share some very essential tips for good conflict resolution.

Conflict Resolution Tips

Conflict resolution is a skill that takes time and practice to master. You constantly learn how to understand your partner better, what to do or say in a disagreement and what to avoid so as not to make things worse. Here are the tips:

1. Prevention is always better than cure. Preempt an argument wherever possible. Learn what rubs your partner the wrong way, what his or her pet peeves are and avoid these like the plague.

2. Integrity is a must in conflict resolution. Be completely honest. Admit wrongs without blame-shifting. Don’t counter accuse by saying, “I admit I was wrong in ________ but you were wrong in ________ also”. Leave out the ‘but’ part.

3. Here is one principle my wife and I have practiced ever since our courting days. Never go to bed with unresolved conflicts. Even if you have to stay up all night to talk things through, do it if it can restore peace between you both. Then you can both sleep in peace. I know it is not always possible but this is a good practice and you should work towards it as far as possible.

4. There are basically two reactions towards anything that displeases a person. Some people blow up. They may shout, scream, rant or rave and after they have done so, they cool down and return to normal. Others on the other hand, keep their anger or bitterness inside them by clamming up. They may display their displeasure in their faces or body language but they would not vocalize it or act on it there and then. They keep it all inside and resentment builds up. Both types of reactions are wrong. It is essential to help one another respond to displeasure in the correct way which is to talk things through rationally (no losing your temper, no clamming up)

5. Abuse and physical violence is not allowed. If things get too hot, take a break until you cool down.

6. Allow each other the opportunity to talk freely and listen genuinely without preconceived notions or becoming defensive. Do not anticipate what your partner would say and start thinking of a reply. Hear your partner out completely. Cultivate an environment where expressing feelings to one another is a positive experience.

7. If your partner hasn’t understood your motives or misunderstood what you said, don’t get angry. Explain what you truly mean.

8. Do not judge one another but instead try to understand each other. You must unconditionally love and accept each other no matter what each says to the other. Remember you are trying to resolve conflicts, not win arguments.

9. Be humble, ask for forgiveness and apologize when necessary. Do not try to act tough by wanting your partner to give in or apologize first. This is plain childishness.

10. If you cannot find a solution to your conflict, ask for help. Submit yourself to a mutual friend who can be an arbitrator between the two of you

One common trait in successfully married couples is not the absence of conflicts but knowing how to conduct themselves during conflicts. The way NOT to do it is to attack the personhood of the partner. Accusations, rudeness, vulgarity, name calling and personal attacks are the wrong means to have a fight between spouses. Words such as, “You are so stupid, why did I marry you in the first place?” are intensely damaging to the marriage relationship. Successfully married couples know the secret of arguing correctly.

Their secret is to stick to the facts (rather than opinions) and issues about the conflict. Speak about what actually happened, who did what, what was said by whom and when, how you felt when it happened and how your partner’s words or actions affected you. Words such as, “I felt foolish when you said those things about me in front of your friends!” are much more acceptable because they do not attack the self-worth of your partner while at the same time they do bring up the issues of conflict.

Conclusion

Marriages turn sour when there are too many conflicts, arguments, quarrels and fights. That is why good conflict resolution skills are so very important. With good conflict resolution, you can keep arguments and fights to a minimum. This will enhance your marriage. Put into practice the ten tips above and you will certainly improve your marriage or even save it from disaster altogether.

Disagreement is a natural part of marriage. Speak softly and definitely forget the big stick.
by Emuna Braverman

Disagreements can be a very healthy vehicle to promote expansiveness of vision and personal growth. The real secret to a good and lasting marriage is not lack of conflict, but how conflict is resolved. Here are more tips for calm and effective conflict resolution.
1. Don’t generalize.
When disagreeing, it’s very tempting to make statements such as:
“You always do that.”
“You’re never here when I need you.”
“Why can’t you ever help me?”
Such broad sweeping generalizations can be very damaging. No one is always wrong. No one always behaves negatively. And it obscures the issue at hand, putting the accused party on the defensive.
Just as with our children we want to avoid the destructive use of labels, so we do in marriage as well. And just as with our children we want to bolster self-esteem with a lot of praise before alluding to a potential area for improvement, so we do with our marriage partners also.
We wouldn’t attack our children over a mistake they made. Don’t we want to be equally sane with respect to our spouses? Don’t we want them to know how precious they are to us?
Therefore, try to avoid generalizing. It will get your partner’s back up before the conversation even begins.
If you have criticism to offer, try to precede it with a positive comment.
If you have a criticism, try to list the positive first: “You took out the garbage and did the shopping. That really saved me significant time and I’m very grateful. If next time you could buy fewer bags of potato chips and more fruit and vegetables, I’d appreciate it.”
If you harness your creative powers, you can reframe many of your concerns in a positive light: “I like talking to you so much that I would really enjoy it if you would call me more often during the day.”
2. Use a gentle tone of voice.
I think that the whole world would change for the better (speaking of generalizations) if everyone would learn to speak softly.
Your spouse, your children, your friends and colleagues, even animals respond much more positively to a request or complaint expressed in a soft, gentle manner. You could say the same thing loudly with much less effect and frequently create a hostile atmosphere.
Maimonides advised, “Speak pleasantly and softly when you admonish someone.” (Hilchos Deos 6:7)
Have you ever watched people attach each other verbally in public? It’s embarrassing and humiliating for both the attacker and the victim. A calm, gentle approach protects the ego of the other person and allows him to hear the rebuke more objectively.
Loud personal attacks are embarrassing and humiliating for both the attacker and the victim.
We sometimes feel that in order to be heard we need to be loud, maybe we need to yell and scream. This is a common mistake.
If you speak quietly, you will force the listener to pay close attention. And if you speak calmly there is a much lesser chance of your discussion deteriorating into a brawl. Even if your spouse is a screamer, your gentle tones will stop him in his tracks and force him to calm down too. And it’s a great example to set for your children.
Marla used to look for excuses to fight with Ted, her husband of 10 years. But Ted never met her in the middle. He was a perceptive fellow and he recognized that his wife’s need for an emotional catharsis frequently precipitated her angry outbursts.
He responded in calm, soothing tones. Marla was forced to react in kind. She would walk away with a strong sense of being loved, and now she rents a very sad movie when she’s in need of intense emotional expression.
3. Find the Positive in the Moment.
I call this: “Stop the old tape you are playing and find a new one.”
Miriam Levi has taught and written on Effective Jewish Parenting. She gives a very powerful example. Frequently when things are going wrong, we tell ourselves, “I can’t stand it! I can’t stand it another minute!” Mrs. Levi has a terrific response to this detrimental message. “Of course you can stand it. Being boiled in a pot of hot oil is something you can’t stand. But this you can stand.”
And of course, she’s right. You have to change the tape you’re playing over and over again in your head. Instead of “I can’t stand it,” try “I think I can, I think I can,” (my personal favorite from The Little Engine That Could) or another alternative.
Instead of “I can’t stand it,” try “I think I can, I think I can.”
It’s very helpful when you’re in the middle of a rough spot in your marriage, and the door looks pretty tempting, to take a look inside yourself. What have you been telling yourself. Is it true or an exaggeration? Is there a more positive way you could put this? Does everyone else in the world really have a better husband/wife/mother-in-law? Could you deal with your frustration and affirm your marriage at the same time?
What we tell ourselves — the tape we play — is crucial to how we look at and handle each challenging situation.