25 Ways To Fight Fair

Please note that the words “fight” and “fighting fair” are used below to mean expressing one’s disagreement or anger to another constructively. At no time should physical harm be considered “fighting fair.”
Know your own feelings. Seek to grow in self-awareness. Being in touch with your own true feelings is essential before you can constructively handle anger or conflict.
Anger is an emotion – neither right nor wrong in itself. There is no morality to feelings. Try to understand what prompted the feeling. Morality comes into play when you take a destructive action as a result of a feeling.
Negotiation and compromise are essential in any marriage. During a calm, clear moment agree that neither partner should “win” a fight. If one wins, the other loses and builds resentment. In effect, both have then lost because the relationship is damaged. Even when one spouse is wrong, permit him or her salvage self-respect.
Cooling-off periods. Establish ground rules that permit either partner to “cool off” before trying to resolve anger. It may be necessary to walk or engage in some other physical activity in order to allow anger to dissipate. Such a period can allow a spouse to identify the issue more clearly and organize his or her thoughts, thus keeping the fight more on focus.
Pin down a time and place. Be sure, however, that resolving an issue is not postponed indefinitely. After cooling off, pin down a time and place to continue. For example, after the news goes off and in the living room – not in the bathroom doorway while brushing teeth.
Fight by mutual consent. Don’t insist on a fight when your spouse is tired or unable to handle the strain. A fair fight requires two ready participants.
Stick to the subject. When a number of issues seem to be accumulating, present them one at a time. If you have not resolved past issues, put them on a current or future agenda. Make sure both of you go beyond skirmishing, insult rituals, or angry displays. Shooting broadside like a roaring cannon prevents resolution.
State the issue honestly and clearly. Don’t simply say, “I’m hurt by the way you don’t show me respect.” Rather, be clear and specific as in, “I felt hurt when you said…or when your tone of voice sounds condescending toward me.”
Don’t camouflage. Don’t evade a deeper grievance by allowing your feelings to center only on less important or extraneous issues. “The potatoes are too salty tonight!” might be a minor irritant that covers the unspoken, “I don’t think that you understand all the pressure I’m under at work!”
Afraid to fight? If one of you feels afraid to fight, this should not evoke a put down but rather may be a fear of being hurt or rejected. Put the fear on the agenda for later discussion.
Don’t hit below the belt. Everyone has vulnerable areas. Don’t use your confidential knowledge of your partner’s weaknesses and sensitivities to hurt him/her.
Don’t label. Avoid telling your spouse that he/she is neurotic, depressing, or a bore. Rather, try, “I’m tense inside, honey, because you seem moody and depressed. I’d like us to talk about it.”
Grant equal time. Agree that no resolution of an issue can be presumed until each partner has had the chance to express his/her feelings, ideas, and information.
Feedback and clarification. If the fight is emotional and heated, slow it down by starting a “feedback loop.” One technique is to paraphrase back to your spouse what your heard. For example, “Honey, what I hear you saying is that I’m boring you because I have no outside interest. Is that right?” The other then responds by either confirming the accuracy of your statement or clarifying it.
Gain new understanding. Extract enough new information and insight from a fight to permit growth. Don’t waste a good fight by not learning from it.
Implement changes. Follow anger with a fair, firm, clear request for a change or improvement in whatever brought on the fight. Each partner must be clear as to what he/she agrees to modify or improve. Be specific and realistic. For example, it would be agreed that whenever the husband seemed tense, the wife would encourage him to tell her about it, instead of their old pattern of both keeping silent.
Develop humor. Humor goes a long way towards promoting healing.
Keep your fights to yourself. Exceptions would be when more serious problems suggest the need for a counselor. Good counseling is like medicine – it helps do what you might not be able to do alone.
Handling anger in front of children. When anger and conflict initially erupt in front of children, also try to resolve these feelings in front of them. You may need a cooling off period first, but they need to learn about negotiation, discussion, and compromise by watching you do it constructively. Apologizing for excesses in front of children also teaches them about reconciliation.
Don’t attempt to resolve a conflict when drinking heavily.
“Touch” can begin dialogue. Use touch to help your spouse make the “entry” or “re-entry” into a communicative mood. A foot reaching over in bed, a hand on the shoulder can say eloquently, “Honey, one of us needs to begin the dialogue. I’m willing to start.”
Exclude violence. Agree in advance that real violence is always ruled out.
Is the problem elsewhere? Determine through honest inner searching whether your anger lies primarily (or only secondarily) within the marriage relationship. Spouses might be struggling with poor health, role insecurities at work, fear of death, anxiety about the future, or other unresolved issues. It can be reassuring when a couple realizes that their relationship may not always be the principle problem, even though the real problem still causes anguish.
Respect crying. Crying is a valid response to how we feel. Do not, however, let crying sidetrack from getting to the real issue causing the conflict.

“If Disputes have turned your relationship into a sour experience, this page may be the turning point to restore security and trust.

NOW, you can have a step by step action plan to discuss and resolve any subject, with none of the pain that you are feeling today. Warranteed. “

Fort Lauderdale ,
Wednesday, December 30th

Dear friend,

Sometimes in life we do things without paying attention to their consequences….the way we relate to others seems to us “natural” and “the way we are…” without thinking of the necessary choices that brought us to this exact point. Nobody told you that there was a HEALTHY way to discuss shared issues, very much opposed to the DIRTY TRICKS way to defend your needs and interests, and now you and your family group are paying the price.

It’s healthy for every relationship, every marriage to include some level of disagreement and adjustment. Each person has different stories, homes and ways of thinking, and they must negotiate an agreement on how to do things together. Some couples fight more, some couples fight less, but what is really important is the way they fight. According to recent studies that compare relationships that survive, grow and deepen into a shared love, and the ones that become progressively more aggressive and ugly, the most important factor is the way they deal with the differences. Their secret is that they learn how go from “My View, your Problem” to “We share this problem”.

When winning is more important than understanding, couples self-destruct by fighting in ways that damage the trust and respect that are necessary for the relationship. They get desperate when they don’t understand each other’s needs and then resort to attacks and put downs, escalating the disputes. Couples with too many dirty tricks lose respect for each other, and come to expect only more attacks and nastiness. Their fights are random, unpredictable and, because they lack structure can easily end in more vicious attacks to self-respect. Two people who loved each other can end up destroying the same person they loved, because of the negative feelings produced by constant fighting.

Fair Fighting is a set of ground rules for handling differences and conflict in a respectful way. Since few people have learned how to handle fights well, very clear rules give couples a road map for getting through discussions in a safe way, restoring safety and trust, and blocking negative explosions.

Are you fighting dirty without realizing it?

I don’t know about you, but I grew up in a household where the main tool to keep children obedient and down was making fun of them, mocking their ideas and “putting them into their place” by constant ridicule and humiliation. Sometimes this was also done as “good fun,” without anybody noticing how harmful it was for me, the person target of scorn. All believed that someone needed to be in the upper position, criticizing and the other needed to be down, ridiculed. One was the better one; the other was made to feel inferior and stupid.

If these practices took hold, now you could find yourself doing “naturally” a set of behaviors patterned upon a “relationship model,” that is as damaging as toxic waste to any marriage. When daily put downs or misunderstandings occur, they often leave a residue of disappointment, anger or resentment. This residue accumulates over time to create an environment progressively more and more set against personal intimacy. Now, the only messages going back and forth are attacks and self-defense…how sad is this for a relationship chosen because it had the promise of love and acceptance?

Whether we keep fighting to maintain our precarious “superior position,” or to protest our “humble position” we lose track of the basic fact of life: conflict is a natural part of the relationship and needs social skills that have to be learned. The hope for a good relationship is lost. We get stuck in an oppositional relationship, try to maintain this level using whatever tricks we learned before with others, and even call this “love.”

The results are now devastating:

Your partner doesn’t trust that you will treat her with respect, because you have demonstrated that you can do dirty tricks at any time!

We tend to think that sudden angry outbursts are just forgotten when we say “sorry.” At that moment, we got carried away by our anger and reacted with behaviors considered normal when we believe we are defending ourselves from external enemies. But your spouse is not your enemy! It looks bad enough to let anger shape our “spontaneous” reactions to the person we love most, but there are more insidious long term effects of using dirty tricks when we fight.
Let’s have a look at them:

When Dirty Tricks are used, this is what happens:

KITCHEN SINK WAY : it allows you to remember and say to your partner all the negative things that you can gather, even if they are not relevant and belong to the past. You show yourself as mean spirited and vengeful, and let the other person think that you are not trustable with personal information that can be used against them.
PERSONAL ATTACKS & INSULTS: you show that you have a “street fighter” mindset, not at the same level of what is needed for a personal relationship. The difference is day or night, as it hinges on destroying the other person’s image as a friend, or correcting the difference and rescuing the other as a trusted partner.
SCAPEGOATING: when blaming another for what you did instead of taking full responsibility for your actions, either well intentioned or not, you show that you are not mature enough to be the owner of your own actions and their consequences.
GENERALIZING:, your way of not taking responsibility is diluting the act on a general frame where nobody has to be grown up enough to accept individual causation. The “mistakes were made” frame absolves everybody but never heals the other person’s pain.
YELLING AND SCREAMING: now you are a child throwing a temper tantrum and getting to win your demand by overwhelming the other person. This is fatal to any relationship: you’ve scared the other person away and showed yourself incapable of self-restraint.
THREATENING: shows that you are ignorant of the skills necessary to negotiate as an adult, and prefer to scare the other person with your violence threats. You are going nowhere fast, and don’t expect the other person, even if momentarily cowing in submission, to respect or appreciate you the least.
NAME CALLING: you are telling that, in the bottom of your heart, you don’t accept your partner as an equal. It demonstrates that you think that the other person is somehow inferior and deserving your calling derogatory names to him/her. This attitude destroys a sense of shared companionship and trust.
PHYSICAL OR ANY PAIN INFLICTING: you have seriously crossed a delicate line, trespassing into the other person’s individual space. This is usually a very serious event, which leaves the other person afraid of you and not trusting your ability to respect basic interpersonal boundaries.
Dirty tricks really can destroy a good relationship…here is a story that will move you, as it did move me:

I just wanted to share with you my story. I lost the love of my life due to his anger reactions, brought about mainly through drinking and sickness, which sometimes he would not control.

After many years together deeply in love, my partner lost his temper without provocation, except that I got in his way, and tried to kill me. He strangled me until I was unconscious and then rang the police to say he had killed me. Luckily I recovered, but our relationship did not.

I tried to forgive him but couldn’t come to terms with the fact that I might be in an early grave because of his actions and I could never trust him again.

It put the power of the relationship in his hands, even when every time he raised his voice later, I would remember his capability for murder, forget about having a respectful conversation with him, and I would then stay in a motel for the night until he calmed down.

After about a year of this I decided to end the relationship permanently but was and still am extremely sad over it because I felt a very strong bond of love with this man. It has been four years now and I still suffer the loss.

“Anne Sutherland, Sydney, Australia”

11 Tips for Fighting Fair in Marriage
November 8th, 2008 • Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen
These tips for fighting fair in marriage, from marriage and family therapist Heather McKechnie, will help you build a healthy relationship without excessive stress!

“All married couples should learn the art of battle as they should learn the art of making love. Good battle is objective and honest–never vicious or cruel,” said Landers. “Good battle is healthy and constructive, and brings to a marriage the principle of equal partnership.”

And that’s what McKechnie’s marriage tips are about: communicating clearly and honestly. For more tips on building a healthy marriage, click on You Don’t Have to Change Who You Are to Have a Great Marriage by Dr Max Vogt. And, read on for McKechnie’s tips for fighting fair in marriage…

11 Tips for Fighting Fair in Marriage

1. Take responsibility for yourself and your behaviour. Take time to think before you speak or act, and admit it if you make a mistake. Don’t blame your partner. For help with marital infidelity, read Tips for Surviving an Emotional Affair or Why Men Cheat.

2. Be honest about yourself and what you have done, and let others do the same. Sharing honest thoughts and feelings is difficult, but it’s key to fighting fair in marriage.

3. Say, “I feel sad, angry, hurt, etc.” Don’t say, “It feels like…” Own your feelings, rather than trying to shift blame or guilt onto others for the feelings they trigger.

4. Never interpret yourself or someone else. It’s easier to keep communication open if you let people ask questions. Similarly, ask questions when you don’t understand — don’t try to guess what your partner thinks. When in doubt, ask for clarification. This isn’t just a tip for fighting fair in marriage, it works in all aspects of life!

5. Distinguish between thoughts and feelings. Your feelings come from within ourselves, not from other people. When we attribute your feelings to other people, you lose our right to own them.

6. No name-calling. Calling names reflects our frustration in feeling misunderstood and serves only to make the other person defensive. When conversations turn to this, no one wins – and it doesn’t help you fight fair in marriage! Read 10 Tips for Talking to Your Spouse for communication tips.

7. Don’t bring up issues from the past. When you bring up old hurts or disappointments, it can be overwhelming and distracting. Piling on old issues only increases frustration and decreases hope.

8. Do not hit, scream, spit, throw or abuse in any way. There is no benefit to any conversation that has deteriorated to this level. To fight fair in marriage, stay in touch with yourself and your feelings. Learn to recognize when your patience ends and anger builds. For more marriage tips, read 10 Ways to Improve a Bad Relationship.

9. Don’t badmouth your partner to your children or anyone else. We all need outlets to vent our frustrations – but filling a friend, child or relative’s ear with criticisms benefits no one. It is not fair to burden a child with adult issues that they have no control over. If you can’t resolve conflicts, consider professional help to build a better marriage or explore the wide variety of self-help books that may assist you both.

10. Recognize your limits. If you feel yourself losing it, call a time-out. This is an important tip for fighting fair in marriage — and it needs to be accepted before discussions begin. It is amazing how a 5-minute break can diffuse a heated conversation! It’s also important to recognize that your limit is likely to be different than your partner’s.

11. Remember to breathe and stay calm. This seems like such a simple tip for fighting fair in marriage, but breathing works wonders! When concentrating, most people tend to hold their breath. This forces the body to move into a survivor mode, which decreases the ability to listen. By focusing on our breath, we can maintain a calm and detached discussion that increases the likelihood of both partners feeling honored, cherished and understood.

How to Fight Fair in Marriage

By Simon Presland

Fighting is one of the ways we resolve marital conflicts. Following are ten guidelines to help you do it in a healthy way.

1. Face your fear of confrontation

Do you cringe at the thought of confrontation? Due to past experiences, you may perceive any conflict or confrontation as an emotionally crushing experience. You may believe, “If we clash, I’ll be judged, or worse, rejected.” Marriage counselor and minister Luke Perry, points out that a fear-based mentality is the root of this perception.

“Spouses who think this way are caught in a cycle of self-condemnation,” he says. “This is often due to a lack of acceptance while growing up. When this fear controls a person, confrontation can be very painful.”

Overcoming this fear starts with understanding that confronting your spouse is an act of love. It may be helpful to write down a list of the benefits that will result when the hurtful issue is resolved. This will keep you focused on the reasons for talking about the situation. Refer to it when either you or your spouse becomes defensive. Shining a positive light on a delicate confrontation will help keep peace between you.

2. Discuss the conflict as soon as possible

The old proverb, “time heals all wounds” does not apply to conflicts in marriage. But the modern-day saying, “timing is everything” does. When an irritating issue is unresolved, it builds emotional distance between you and your spouse. And just like a splinter, the issue gets under your skin and continues to fester until it is dealt with.

When your spouse’s behavior bothers you, make a decision to confront your mate as soon as possible. If the issue needs your undivided attention, choose a time when no one else is around-even if you have to ask for a few minutes alone together.

3. State exactly what is bothering you

Donna was upset. She had repeatedly asked Frank to pick up his clothes. But, once again, she stared down at his dirty socks lying on the bedroom floor. “I shouldn’t make such a big deal out of it,” she thought. “After all, I’m the one who’s home all day.”

Justifying an irritating action or hoping an issue will just go away doesn’t work. Hiding the pain that you feel today will only later resurface in the form of sarcasm, criticism, or anger. When you choose to overlook a potential conflict, you allow resentment to build, while inviting strife and division to take up residence. It also means that you are giving your mate permission to continue his or her bothersome behavior.

For a marriage to remain on equal footing, both spouses must take responsibility for their actions. Be willing to state exactly what is that you don’t like. Then the two of you can discuss some specific solutions.

4. Stick to the subject at hand

In many marriages, confronting an issue is the gunpowder that ignites World War III. Defenses kick in. Accusations fly. And by the time the smoke has cleared, spouses have bombed each other with everything that has happened since the day they were married.

When you decide to face an issue, don’t allow yourself-or your mate-to drag in past hurts. Deal with one issue at a time. Make a rule between yourselves that if neither is willing to discuss a sore point as soon as it happens, then the issue cannot be used as ammunition for future fights.

5. If your spouse says you do, then it’s true

When confronted with an issue, your first response may be to hide behind statements such as, “No I don’t” or “You’re just exaggerating.” When your mate states that you’re doing something irritating, trust him or her. Consciously choose to look past your defensive walls and ask your spouse, “Why does this bother you?” Then listen to what is being said. Try to see his or her point of view, and be willing to change for the good of your marriage.

6. Avoid generalizing

“You’re always putting down my family,” Tom fumed to Becky as they left his parent’s house. “Can’t you ever say anything nice about them?”

“Always?” Becky yelled. “You think that I’m always putting down your family?” Extreme words such as always, never, right, wrong, good, or bad will cause your mate to be defensive and lash out at you. These words generalize a situation without giving proof that what you are saying is true. Stick to concrete examples of present-day behavior. Then your spouse will have a vivid illustration of his or her actions.

7. Avoid personal insults and character assassination

“Attacking your mate’s character is the best way to make an enemy for life,” says Pastor Luke Perry. “To avoid this, it is important to see the issue as the problem-not your spouse. This is how God deals with us. He tells us of his infinite acceptance, yet confronts us on issues that do not line up with his word.”

Stay focused on the issue at hand. This will help you to remain objective and express your thoughts clearly without alienating your spouse through personal attacks.

8. Confront with truth. Affirm with love

“Honey, I really appreciate all of your hard work around the house. But when I asked you to bring in the mail, you ignored my wishes. Why is that?”

The best way to talk about something negative is to start with something positive. Next, state the issue, and give your mate the opportunity to reflect on the problem you’ve presented. Your partner may not realize that their actions are upsetting you. And when you give your spouse a chance to think things through, he or she may surprise you with a positive response.

9. Listen to learn

“When couples come into my office we rarely deal with the real issues during the first session,” says Pastor Luke. “Sadly, many couples have never learned the art of conversation. And they are so buried in their hurts, they cannot put their feelings into words.”

Be ready to listen to your spouse after you confront him or her. Just as you want to be heard, so does your spouse. If there are hurt feelings involved, be patient as you wade through the tough issues together.

As you ask your spouse to see from your perspective, be willing to see from his or hers as well. Are there changes that need to be made on your part? Confrontation can be an opportunity to learn new things about your spouse, as well as develop greater teamwork and accountability together.

10. Confront to heal, not to win

Some people view conflict and confrontation as a win-lose situation. These spouses see being right as far more important than the marital relationship. But working out a hurtful issue is not about who’s right and who’s wrong. Your goal should not be to win, but to confront a conflict and restore the harmony in your relationship.

Whenever possible, the solution to a problem should benefit both parties. When both spouses feel good about a resolution, it will reestablish the emotional bond between the two of you. Confronting to heal instead of to win will keep your marriage on healthy ground.

12 Skills Summary
Conflict Resolution Skills

The win/win approach
How can we solve this as partners rather than opponents?

Creative response
Transform problems into creative opportunities.

Empathy
Develop communication tools to build rapport. Use listening to clarify understanding.

Appropriate assertiveness
Apply strategies to attack the problem not the person.

Co-operative power
Eliminate “power over” to build “power with” others.

Managing emotions
Express fear, anger, hurt and frustration wisely to effect change.

Willingness to Resolve
Name personal issues that cloud the picture.

Mapping the conflict
Define the issues needed to chart common needs and concerns.

Development of options
Design creative solutions together.

Introduction to negotiation
Plan and apply effective strategies to reach agreement.

Introduction to mediation
Help conflicting parties to move towards solutions.

Broadening perspectives
Three articles on running meetings in conflict resolving mode.

I came across this site looking for support. I rarely talk about what happened to me in great detail. I have told people before that I was raped or abused but I hardly ever tell how it happened. I started therapy recently and for the first time managed to actually speak to someone face to face about my experience and not feel terrified of what they would think of me. I am in my mid twenties right now but the abuse I suffered was as a child. I was nine years old and living with my mother. My father had died a few years before and my mother pretty much hated me. She worked various part time jobs but always managed to get fired from them. She drank and did drugs and had a habit of dragging strange men home all the time. A different guy every night, some would come back and some I never saw again. I don’t really know if she had gotten money from any of them but I do know that she got her drugs and booze off many of them. One guy that she brought home though stayed for quite a while. I will call him Sid. Sid liked both men and women and it wasn’t unusual for him to bring another guy or girl to the house with him. After a short time Sid ended up moving into our trailer. He was unemployed, a lush and physically abusive to both my mother and myself. It was not odd to see my mothers face bruised and bloody. She lost many teeth from the times that Sid had punched her in the face. He used to beat her in the head till she would pass out, he broke her nose once and once I came home from school to find my mothers arm in a cast. I asked her what had happened and she said Sid. Thats all she had to say. It ended up that Sid would watch me while my mother was at work. Most of the time he would sit on the couch and get drunk, other times he would get pissed for no reason and he would start to hit me, sometimes with his hands, sometimes with an object. The wooden yard stick that my mother kept behind the stove was his favorite. We had a gas stove too and he loved to threaten me by trying to force my hands over the fire till I would scream, then he would let go of me and I would run away. He lived at our house for about two months before the first time that he actually abused me sexually. I walked into the living room and he spotted me. He asked me what I was doing and I told him that I had to use the toilet so he told me to go on to the bathroom. When I was done he called me into the living room and told me to sit on the couch. I told him that I was tired and wanted to go to bed so he waved me off but I remember him watching me as I walked out of the room. I next remember hearing him walk into my bedroom. I turned to ask what he wanted but he grabbed me suddenly and forced me face first onto the bed, pinning my arms behind my back. I screamed because I thought he was going to break my arms. I was scared and I remembered thinking that a beating was coming. I remember thinking, what did I do now? I was good, why is he doing this? But I wasn’t prepared for what he did next. I wanted to scream but I couldn’t. The next thing that I remember is feeling him pushing against me. I screamed then because of the pain. After a while I passed out, he did what he wanted to me and when he was done he went back in the living room and popped open a beer. I woke up on the floor later, crying, my face stained with tears and a horrible pain in my back side. I went to the bath room and washed the blood and his mess off me and when I came back out he told me, without even looking at me, that if I told anyone that he would kill me and my mother both. I ran back to my room and cried myself to sleep. The next night he came again, and the night after that. It became a regular thing, I was too scared to tell anyone but one fateful night mother happened to come home early and caught him. She called the police and he was arrested but to this day she told me that it was my fault that it happened because I knew he liked men too and that I acted to sexy around him. A nine year old and I was too sexy? I don’t see my mother now, and I am not sure if I can forgive her. I just wish she could have held me and told me that she was sorry.
by noonessonon 3 Nov 2005

I can’t believe this has happened (and is happening) to so many people. I feel for all of you out there who’ve been raped or abused, I’ve been through it once too.
My mum was in England with my grandpa at the time and my brother, sister and I were left with my dad for around 10 days. On one of those days as I was walking past my dad’s room to go to my own, right after having a shower, my dad called me into his room. I told him to wait a second because I had to get dressed but he insisted that I just go to him. (I was only around 6 years old at the time and I didn’t know anything about sex). I went into the room and saw him lying on his bed naked and he asked me to lie down next to him.. again I insisted I go get dressed first but he told me to shut-up and obey so I did. He made me do things to him and after a while he let me go and that was it. I was confused and didn’t know what had just happened and I guess I forgot about it then. A while later I got a flashback of what happened and I told my sister about it. Apparently she had seen me go in his room that day and ‘knew’ what was going to happen but was too young and helpless to do anything about it. She also told me that he was doing the same to her, the difference being that with me it was just once but the bastard did it to her for practically her whole childhood. I hate my dad with a passion but me and my sister have to act as though nothing ever happened and live as normally as we can (which we do). We talk about it occasionally but it hurts too much. We decided never to tell our mum because we don’t want her going through such pain. My sister is now 18 and I’m almost 17. She is the person I look up to the most in this world and I love her to death. I have recently told my boyfriend about this and he’s been so great and I love him with all my heart.
by T.H. on 23 Oct 2005

7 Ground Rules for Conflict Resolution by Charlotte A. Michie

There is no such thing as a conflict free relationship. Some people have the mistaken belief that a happy partnership or marriage should be no arguing, fighting, or conflict of any kind if they really loved each other. Of course, that is a formula for disaster. The word argument comes from the Latin arguere, to make clear. Is that not what each partner’s intention is, to make clear his or her position? Listed below are guidelines to assist you in making yourself clear without making matters worse.

1. Identify the problem situation and make an appointment with your partner/spouse to discuss it.

2. Limit the discussion to only the issue that is adversely affecting your relationship right now. Do not talk about other issues or bring up past behaviors that you believe strengthens your case. Agree to take a time out if responses on either part become punitive in nature. If either party calls a time out, the other will agree rather than “push back”.

3. Invite your partner/spouse to talk without interruption and request the same courtesy for yourself.

4. Start your discussion by stating three things your partner/spouse has done right. Then tell your partner/spouse the behavior(s) that have created a problem for you.

5. Avoid your partner/spouse’s vulnerabilities or emotional sensitivities. This means no hitting below the belt.

6. Talk with each other from a position of mutual respect. Your discussion should include:
a. My feelings and needs,
b. Your feelings and needs,
c. The reality factors in the situation.

7. Remind yourself and your partner/spouse that the goal of the discussion is resolution and it is an opportunity to create a better situation for both of you. Engage your partner/spouse in a discussion of creative solutions and alternatives that would meet both of your needs.

For me, it began with a visit to my biological father (at age 13), whom I had no memory of, since my Mother left him when I was less than a year old. My older brother lived with him until he was 10, then came to live with us. He talked all the time about how great our father was, so eventually I became adamant about meeting him myself. My Mother was reluctant, knowing what he really was, but knew that I had to find out for myself. Understand that she did not know he was sexually abusive, only that he had been physically abusive to her, and his other wives. Feeling that I would be safe, as long as my brother was with me, she allowed me to go. The first day was wonderful, he was caring and compassionate, curious about my life. The next day, he started drinking and that night he called me into his bedroom. At first I thought that him rubbing my leg while talking to me was “fatherly” love, but soon it turned into rubbing between my legs and telling me to take my clothes off. When I resisted, he threatened to tell my brother, who was asleep in the next room, that I had initiated the contact and that he would ensure that I would never see him again if I did not comply. I idolized my brother, I had only been with him for a very few years, and honestly had no idea of the whole sex thing so I didn’t know what was in store for me, so I complied with his wishes, after all, he was my father, wasn’t he? I was forced to have compliant “adult” sex, being directed to moan correctly, say that he was the best, ask for more and tell him that I loved him. Over the next two weeks, this was a nightly ritual, with him trying to talk me into staying to live with him, as his wife. During the day, when the three of us would go sightseeing, he would send my brother off on some errand so that he could touch me, getting me “ready for the night”. Finally I had had enough, called my Mother from a payphone, in tears, and asked to come home, never telling her why, just that he was mean to me. I buried the whole thing, and went on with a life filled with self-destructive behavior, drinking, drugs, thoughts of suicide and putting myself in positions where I was abused by other men in various ways. I never told a soul until I was 21, married, and had a flashback during sex with my husband. He must has though I was crazy. I opened my eyes while he was on top of me and saw the face of my father. I screamed, cried and tried to hide in the corner. When he finally got me to come out, I was able to relate a small part of the story to him and he forced me into counseling. It only took one session with a doctor who told me it was ok to be angry and that it wasn’t my fault. That’s when the healing began. Over the years I have read countless books on violence and began to understand that my father had a pathological hatred of women. He beat them all, he had 7 wives and many children, only one of which I know. 30 years later, I am strong, able to tell my story, willing to tell my story to help others understand that you really can emerge from the darkness. Don’t let your fear stop you, take baby steps if you have to, but don’t let your abuser continue to rule your life. You are not alone, reach out and you will find that there are many of us willing to help, and that you can help, just by understanding. Nobody truly understands what we feel, unless they have been there. If you have been there, you have the capacity to make something positive out of your pain and your abuser has lost the battle over your soul.
by Tammyon 3 Mar 2004

Common Marriage Problems – Avoiding common marriage problems in your conflicts

Common marriage problems that most couples face often have to do with how a husband and wife manage their conflict. If you and your spouse can learn to argue in a way that avoids certain “deadly toxins” that can poison your communication, you can avoid some of the most common marriage problems.

Common marriage problems, according to the research of marriage expert Dr. John Gottman, appear in the way you two communicate with each other. He names four disastrous ways of interacting that will sabotage your attempts to resolve marriage problems constructively. In order of least to most dangerous, the common marriage problems are (1) criticism, (2) contempt, (3) defensiveness, and (4) stonewalling.

Common Marriage Problem #1: Criticism

Common marriage problem #1, criticism, involves attacking someone’s personality rather than their behavior. Everyone has the right to complain. Airing a complaint, though rarely pleasant, is a healthy marital activity, and much healthier than suppressing the grievance. Criticism, on the other hand, entails blaming, making a personal attack or an accusation. Whereas complaints usually begin with the word I, criticisms begin with you. For example, “I wish we went out more than we do” is a complaint. “You never take me anywhere” is a criticism. Criticism is just a short hop beyond complaining. It may seem like splitting hairs to label it one of the four main common marriage problems, but receiving a criticism really does feel far worse than receiving a complaint.

Common Marriage Problem #2: Contempt

Common marriage problem #2, contempt, leads directly from the first. And it is such a big problem for a marriage because it poisons a relationship whether a couple has been together four months or forty years. What separates contempt from criticism, according to Gottman, “is the intention to insult and psychologically abuse your partner.” When contempt appears, it overwhelms the marriage and blots out positive feelings between partners. Some of the most common expressions of contempt are name-calling, hostile humor, and mockery. These are all examples of the second common marriage problem, and once they’ve entered a home, the marriage goes from bad to worse.

Common Marriage Problem #3: Defensiveness

Common marriage problem #3, defensiveness, enters the picture once contempt is present. Both spouses may feel victimized by the other, so that neither is willing to take responsibility for setting things right. One of the reasons defensiveness is so destructive is that it becomes a reflex. The “victim,” reacting instinctively, doesn’t see anything wrong with being defensive. But this common marriage problem tends to escalate marriage problems rather than resolving them. Every time either spouse feels completely righteous in their stance, every time they make excuses and deny responsibility, they add to their marital problems.

Common Marriage Problem #4: Stonewalling

Common marriage problem #4, stonewalling, appears when you’re nearing rock bottom. This is when you simply stop responding, even defensively, to your mate’s accusations. Most stonewallers (about 85%) are men. Feeling overwhelmed by emotions and the problems the marriage is facing, they start withdrawing by presenting a “stone wall” response. They try to keep their faces immobile, avoid eye contact, and avoid nodding their heads to indicate they are listening. Stonewalling itself is a very powerful act. It conveys disapproval, icy distance, and smugness.

This fourth common marriage problem need not mark the end of a marriage, but once routine interactions have deteriorated to this extent, the marriage is very fragile and will require a good deal of work to save. Keep in mind that anyone may stonewall or become defensive, contemptuous, or critical. Even with very happy couples these behaviors occasionally appear during an intense marital conflict. The real danger here is letting these common marriage problems become habitual ways of interacting.