Ten Tips for a Happy Marriage
by Renee Dietz
25 JAN 2006 04:17 PM

Marriage for anyone can be challenging at times, no matter how much in love you are. Chances are you have heard your parents or grandparents tell you that to have a happy marriage you need to work at it, doing things to keep the spark alive. The good news is that you can enjoy a wonderful, fulfilled marriage simply by working at it as a team. As you will discover below with these 10 tips, a happy marriage is possible.

1.Instead of trying to change something, he or she does – change you! Far too often, people get married with the belief they can simply change the person they married, molding him or her into the “perfect” mate. Instead, you need to accept your mate for the person he/she is. If a behavior needs to be changed, then provide support and encouragement. For example, if your husband complains about not having clean clothes, rather than nag at him, show him how to launder his shirts, jeans, or whatever it is he needs.
2.Communication is a key ingredient to any successful marriage. That means talking through situations rather than bottling up or yelling. By showing respect, you can work together as a couple should. With this, the two of you can talk to understand the other person’s side better.
3.Keep intimacy as a part of the marriage. Remember, this person is the one you love, the one you want to share your life with, which means letting go of inhibitions. Intimacy is an excellent way to stay close, doing wonders for any marriage.
4.Accept the flaws in your spouse. Since no one is perfect, you want to learn to appreciate the differences between the two of you. If your husband wakes up with bad hair or your wife is grumpy, love him/her, in spite of the flaws.
5.Learn to ignore the small stuff. Every marriage faces challenges, some big and some small. Remind yourself that life is precious and short. Therefore, focus on the larger battles, working through them as a team while letting go of the incidentals that in the big scheme of things does not matter.
6.Make sure you choose your battles wisely. If you are going to pick something apart, make sure it really matters. Unfortunately, unresolved arguments are a big issue in marriages, often leading to divorce. Therefore, unless the issue is something significant, learn to let some things roll off your back.
7.Time for friends is also crucial. Once every other week, you should both take one day or evening to spend time apart and with same-sex friends. This will help you maintain your own identity and appreciate the time you have with your spouse.
8.Never take your spouse for granted. Again, life is too precious. Instead, find things that your partner does well or things that please you and let him/her know. If your husband is outside working on the car, take time to bring him a cold glass of tea or lemonade…just because. If your wife has been home all day with the children, hire a babysitter and surprise her with a dinner out.
9.Date…just because you are now legally married, you should not stop dating. Every Friday or Saturday night, even if you have children, make a date. This could be something as simple as bowling and beer or a romantic dinner and concert. The activity is not important, just that you get time for just the two of you.

10.Be forgiving with your partner. You will be faced with tough times and you have a choice of forgiving him/her when a mistake happens or carrying it in the marriage. Obviously, if you do not forgive, the marriage will suffer. Therefore, if resolution is found, swallow your pride and forgive your mate, letting the new day be another beginning.

Making marriage work – conflict resolution
Family Features 2007-11-21 13:01

The Chinese have a saying that even the teeth would sometime bite the tongue. It is an apt saying to remind us that even in the closest and most loving of human relationships, in marriage there will be times when conflict does arise and call for resolution.

Misunderstanding is very often the source of a conflict arising. One spouse might perceive the other’s action or inaction or words as being very unreasonable and most inappropriate in a given circumstance. Parties are quick to take their positions and justify their stand rather than to try to seek to understand the other party.

Added to this problem of a misunderstanding that has given rise to a conflict is the pride within each one of us to refuse to say sorry and to put up a bold front and say that I am not going to swallow my pride and to seek for forgiveness or reconciliation. A cold war might go on for days before the conflict is resolved and in between, there is tension and much unhappiness.

Dr James Dobson, in his customary frankness tackles this delicate problem in a series of questions and answers set out below.

“Misunderstanding is very often the source of a conflict arising.”
Question: You have said every healthy married couple should learn how to fight. What do you mean by that?

Answer: What I have said is that people need to learn how to fight fair, because there is a big difference between healthy and unhealthy combat in marriage. In an unstable marriage, hostility is aimed at the partner, below the belt, with comments like “You never do anything right!” and “Why did I marry you in the first place?” and “You’re getting more like your mother every day!” These offensive remarks strike at the very heart of the mate’s self-worth.

Healthy conflict, by contrast, is focused on the issues that cause disagreement. For example: “It upsets me when you don’t tell me you’re going to be late for dinner.” Or: “I was embarrassed when you made me look foolish at the party last night.”

Can you hear the difference in these two approaches? The first assaults the dignity of the partner while the second is addressed to the source of conflict. When couples learn this important distinction, they can work through their disagreements without wounding and insulting each other.

Question: My wife and I sometimes get into fights when neither of us really wants to argue. I’m not even sure how it happens. We just find ourselves locking horns and then feeling bad about it later. Why can’t we get along even when we want to?

Answer: To answer the question, I would need to know more about the circumstances that set off the two of you. The best I can do is describe one of the most common sources of conflict between people who are committed to each other. I call it experiencing “differing assumptions.” Let me explain.

When husbands and wives engage one another in angry combat they often feel hurt, rejected, and assaulted by the other person. But when these battles are analyzed objectively, we often see that neither side really meant to wound the other. The pain resulted not from intentional insults but from the natural consequences of seeing things from different angles.

For example, a man might assume that Saturday is his day to play golf or watch a game on television because he worked hard all week and deserves a day off. Who could blame him? But his wife might justifiably assume that he should take the kids off her hands for a few hours because she’s been wiping runny noses and changing diapers all week long. She deserved a break today and expected him to give it to her. Again, it’s a pretty reasonable assumption. When these unique perspectives collide, about eight o’clock on Saturday morning, the sparks start to fly.

How can you avoid the stresses of differing assumptions at home? By making sure that you and your wife get no surprises. Most of us can cope with anything if we see it coming in time.

Question: My wife and I love each other very much, but we’re going through a time of apathy. We just don’t feel close to each other. Is this normal, and is there a way to bring back the fire?

Answer: This happens sooner or later in every marriage. A man and woman just seem to lose the wind in their romantic sails for a period of time.

Their plight reminds me of seamen back in the days of wooden vessels. Sailors in that era had much to fear, including pirates, storms, and diseases. But their greatest fear was that the ship might encounter the Doldrums. The Doldrums was an area of the ocean near the equator characterized by calm and very light shifting winds. It could mean certain death for the entire crew. The ship’s food and water supply would be exhausted as they drifted for days, or even weeks, waiting for a breeze to put them back on course.

Well, marriages that were once exciting and loving can also get caught in the romantic doldrums, causing a slow and painful death to the relationship. Author Doug Fields, in his book Creative Romance, writes, “Dating and romancing your spouse can change those patterns, and it can be a lot of fun. There’s no quick fix to a stagnant marriage, of course, but you can lay aside the excuses and begin to date your sweetheart.” In fact, you might want to try thinking like a teenager again. Let me explain.

Recall for a moment the craziness of your dating days–the coy attitudes, the flirting, the fantasies, the chasing after the prize. As we moved from courtship into marriage, most of us felt we should grow up and leave the game playing behind. But we may not have matured as much as we’d like to think.

In some ways, our romantic relationships will always bear some characteristic of adolescent sexuality. Adults still love the thrill of the chase, the lure of the unattainable, excitement of the new and boredom with the old. Immature impulses are controlled and minimized in a committed relationship, of course, but they never fully disappear.

This could help you keep vitality in your marriage. When things have grown stale between you and your spouse, maybe you should remember some old tricks. How about breakfast in bed? A kiss in the rain? Or re-reading those old love letters together? A night in a nearby hotel? A phone call in the middle of the day? A long-stem red rose and a love note? There are dozens of ways to fill the sails with wind once more.

If it all sounds a little immature to act like a teenager again, just keep this in mind: In the best marriages, the chase is never really over.

Question: You have said that the natural progression of a marriage is to become more distant rather than more intimate. Why is that true?

Answer: The natural tendency of everything in the universe is to move from order to disorder. If you buy a new car, it will steadily deteriorate from the day you drive it home. Your body is slowly aging. Your house has to be repainted and repaired every few summers. A business that is not managed carefully will unravel and collapse. A brick that is placed on a vacant lot and left there long enough will eventually turn to dust. Indeed, even the sun and all the stars are slowly burning themselves out. We are, in a manner of speaking, in a dying universe where everything that is not specifically being protected and upgraded is in a downward spiral.

The principle that governs this drift from order to disorder might be called “the law of disintegration.” (Engineers and scientists sometimes call it “the law of entropy.”) The only way to postpone or temporarily combat its influence is to invest creative energy and intelligent design into that which is to be preserved.

Not so surprisingly, human relationships also conform to the principle of disintegration. The natural tendency is for husbands and wives to drift away from each other unless they work at staying together. To provide another analogy, it is as though they were sitting in separate rowboats on a choppy lake. If they don’t paddle vigorously to stay in the same neighborhood, one will drift to the north of the lake and the other to the south. That is exactly what happens when marital partners get too busy or distracted to maintain their love. If they don’t take the time for romantic activities and experiences that draw them together, something precious begins to slip away. It doesn’t have to be that way, of course, but the currents of life will separate them unless efforts are made to remain together.

Conflict Resolution:

Conflict is inevitable in relationships. No matter how much you love someone, you will have differing ideas, preferences, or favored activities. Learning how to resolve these differences, appropriately, can avoid prolonged or destructive anger and hostility. Conflict resolution skills include cultivating the right attitude as well as learning interpersonal techniques. An attitude of cooperation, valuingpartnership, demonstrating trust, and general goodwill toward one another aid in the goal of reducing and resolving conflicts. Consider the following principles for conflict resolution:

Try to take a problem-solving attitude toward issues, versus one of blame. Problem solving is much more practical and leads people in a different—and more productive—direction than blame. Assigning responsibility is useful to the degree it helps to generate solutions. Blame has a component of punishment attached.

Learn to take responsibility for your anger: other people can’t make you angry any more than they can make you happy or cause you to lose five pounds. It is true that you can take what they say to you, and as you dwell upon it, you can make yourself very angry about what they have said. You may think, “How dare he say that! He has no right,” but this is just your reaction to what was said.

When angry, you may need to discuss the issue at another time, or have a referee, or hold your discussion in a coffee shop (where the presence of others will keep both of you from yelling or insulting one another).

Alternatively, you can “argue” in writing. The advantage of writing to one another is that you may end up explaining your position more clearly, and are likely to remain respectful, as you commit your thoughts and words to paper. This is a good technique to de-fuse angry disagreements.

Include in your rules for arguments and discussions that neither of you will yell, call names, put down, or otherwise insult or demean the other.

Learn to take a “time out” in order to cool your anger until you’re able to be responsible for your behavior. Time outs should follow certain rules:

It’s not OK to use time outs to “ding” the other person, for example, after you’ve had the last word.

Time outs can’t be used to leave and go somewhere that will escalate the argument. That is, if you’re arguing about whether you go to the local bar too often, then it’s not OK to take a time out so you can go to the bar.

On your time out do things that allow you to gain self-control and mellow out. You could exercise (walk, jog, bicycle), do relaxation exercises, stretching, or yoga, or meditate. Don’t do something that contributes to your anger—for many people, activities like working out on a punching bag can raise levels of aggression and anger.
7. Make use of “cool down” activities—less formal than time out’s, cool downs can be momentary breaks that allow both of you to catch your breath and de-escalate. You could offer to make a cup of tea or coffee, or a sandwich. You could propose a walk around the block. You could suggest, “Hey, let’s stop and take a deep breath.” Remember: this works better when you use I messages and are responsible for your own process. To say, “I’m feeling pretty tense…give me a moment here. How about if I get both of us some lemonade, so I can calm down, and we can continue to have a good discussion?” It usually doesn’t work if you say, “Hey, calm down!” You’re actions are likely to be perceived as a put down and an attempt to control the other person’s behavior. Concentrate on how you can manage your own behavior appropriately.

Communication for Introverts, Extroverts in Love
Resolving Relationship Conflict Between Different Personality Types

Sep 23, 2007 Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen

When opposites attract, introverts and extroverts in love often clash. Here’s how to uncover personality traits, improve communication, and resolve relationship conflict.

Two major personality types are extroverts and introverts, which are opposite ends of the spectrum of personality traits. Extroverts and introverts are often attracted to one another – because opposites attract – but may find it difficult to build a strong relationship or marriage because of communication differences.

Though relationship conflict is inevitable, resolving conflict and improving communication is easier when you understand introvert and extrovert personality types. You might consider a personality test to determine if you’re an introvert or an extrovert (online personality tests are usually easy and accurate). Or, you may just need to scan through these personality traits of introverts and extroverts to see your own personality profile.

Introverted Personality Traits

Introverts are usually energized by being alone, private, and quiet. Introverts are more sensitive to social rejection, and don’t always see the world as a safe place.

Emotionally stable introverts are:

Passive
Careful
Thoughtful
Controlled
Reliable
Even-tempered
Calm
Emotionally unstable introverts can be:

Quiet
Pessimistic
Unsociable
Sober
Rigid
Moody
Anxious
Reserved
Extroverted Personality Traits

Extroverts tend to be energized by groups of people, conversation, and activity. Extroverts are less sensitive to rejection, and see the world as a safer place.

Emotionally stable extroverts are:

Sociable
Outgoing
Talkative
Responsive
Easygoing
Lively
Carefree
Leaderlike
Emotionally unstable extroverts can be:

Active
Optimistic
Impulsive
Changeable
Excitable
Aggressive
Restless
Touchy
(Source: Perspectives on Personality by Carver Scheier.)

Resolving Relationship Conflict Between Introverts and Extroverts in Love
Understanding your partner’s personality traits is the key to resolving relationship conflict. The introvert needs to understand his extroverted partner’s need for social activity; the extrovert needs to understand her introverted partner’s need for privacy and downtime.

Finding compromise when opposites attract or when you’re in the midst of different personality traits is also important. The introvert could go to the social event with the extrovert; the extrovert could agree to leave at an earlier time. The introvert could suggest comfortable solutions to situations the extrovert enjoys, such as smaller, more intimate dinner parties instead of huge events.

Accepting your differences is crucial. It’s one thing to understand the personality profiles of introverts and extroverts; it’s totally different to actually accept and even admire different personality traits. Acceptance means the introvert doesn’t try to change the extrovert and vice versa. Acceptance means the extrovert really sees the value of the introvert’s personality profile – and vice versa.

Personality testing isn’t necessary when it comes to discovering introverted or extroverted personality traits. People generally have an idea of their own traits; the trick is for extroverts and introverts to find harmonious ways to live and love together.

If you found Communication for Introverts, Extroverts in Love helpful, you might find Resources for Extroverts and Introverts helpful.

Recommend Article!
The copyright of the article Communication for Introverts, Extroverts in Love in Marriage is owned by Laurie Pawlik-Kienlen. Permission to republish Communication for Introverts, Extroverts in Love in print or online must be granted by the author in writing.

Comments

Jun 27, 2009 4:28 PM Guest :
Great! So should extroverts and introverts be together? I find it frustrating when I want to go,go,go and my partner is slow, slow, slow. I don’t diss them for it,but I feel they try to quiet me, slow me or make me feel like I need to relax more. I want to be me. I let them be them , but at times I am made to feel like I am too much. Therein lies the problem.

Jul 10, 2009 9:33 AM Guest :
I think the article says it best that both personalities need to have an understanding about what makes the other Tick. I used to get so dragged down when my wife just wanted to stay home and organize the closet without talking or we would sit next to eachother watchiing TV without interacting. But after reading a few books and this article I realized that it was just how she worked. We both came to a compromise. If I need her to Step it up she will and I will Tone down when she asks. I have honestly learned to relax alittle more and I see the difference in her when we are in social settings.

Aug 8, 2009 2:14 AM Guest :
I am very impressed with the article and I like what they are talking about because I’m introverted and some people think it is so bad but when someone knows your personality, and treat us differently, importantly, they know the peronalidad your partner or friends so they can get along.

Read more at Suite101: Communication for Introverts, Extroverts in Love: Resolving Relationship Conflict Between Different Personality Types | Suite101.com http://behavioural-psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/introverts_extroverts_in_love#ixzz0a31RLYW2

Conflict Resolution Strategies Skills For Resolving Conflict
By Blake Flannery

Conflict Makes Life Interesting
Conflict causes ill feelings, like an itch that needs to be scratched. It is however inevitable, and individuals can use conflict to their advantage. Musicians use sustaining chords to create an uneasy feeling before the satisfying resolving chord. Screenplay writers are masters of conflict. Without it, the story sucks, there’s no climax, and no resolution at the end. Artists use conflict in their works to make their art interesting.

Life’s conflicts make life interesting and sometimes funny; if you need an example, just watch any evening sitcom. Learn to deal with conflict appropriately, so you don’t have that awful itch sensation without the tools to scratch it.

Manage Conflict: Don’t Let Conflict Manage You
Resolving conflict is an important skill to use when working with others, but it is necessary to understand the root of the conflict before using strategies to fix it. One misconception is that conflict is a negative thing; however, conflict is one of the best opportunities to strengthen relationships. Teams who are able to work through conflict become more likely to succeed in future. Conflict resolution in personal relationships is no different. The best strategies for resolving the conflict are going to depend on the situation. Some conflicts need to be resolved immediately. Resolving a conflict with peers may look much different than resolving a conflict with your boss. And consider the number of people involved.

Conflict Sources

Conflict can occur within ourselves or with others
Conflict Types
Another misconception is that conflict only occurs between individuals. Internal conflict can cause strife that is sometimes more difficult to identify and resolve. Before attempting to resolve conflict with another person you should be sure you do not have internal conflict. In other words, don’t fight when you don’t even know what you stand for.

Internal conflict is not when you are arguing about one thing with someone when you are really upset about them doing another thing. Internal conflict is the kind that makes you unhappy with no apparent reason. Refer to the illustration of potential conflict sources. Notice that all points written in black capital letters are within your own self or your own actions. Don’t forget that conflict can occur in these areas. Be sensitive to your own personal struggles to avoid projecting problems on others, and creating external conflict with others.

Internal conflict can feel just as bad as conflict with others. Photo by Sasha
Internal Conflict: Conflict within Yourself
You have a goal to become a songwriter and need to buy a guitar, but you are not saving your money for the guitar. You are using your money on frivolous items such as dining out and entertainment. In this case your behaviors are not in line with your established goal. This creates internal conflict that can produce negative feelings. In this case take responsibility and avoid blaming others. Just realizing the issue may give you enough insight and motivation to resolve the conflict.

Internal Conflict Identification activity:

Write your name in the middle of a blank piece of paper
Surround your name with words that describe you such as: Artist, Christian, Plumber, Giver, Lover, Competitive, etc. Go beyond physical descriptions.
Use another color and write another layer of your goals. Use action words such as: Attend College, Be a good mom, Keep my car clean, Visit my grandparents more, Become a great artist, etc.
Next, use another color and write your behaviors that relate to your descriptions of yourself and your goals such as: I paint every day, I take lessons sometimes, I used to place my art in contests, I change art teachers when they put down my work, and I never paint with other people.
Finally, Draw lines between your descriptions of yourself, your goals, and your actions that are related. For example: Artist—-Become a great artist—-used to paint every day—- sometimes take lessons—-used to enter contests—-change art teachers often—-Don’t paint with others.
In this example, the person views himself or herself as an artist with the goal of becoming a great artist, but is clearly having trouble with being evaluated by others in different situations. In this case to resolve the internal conflict the person needs to modify goals and/or behaviors. The great solution here would be to create a new goal that was not at first apparent: Allow others to critique my art. The conflict could have been viewed as a conflict with others (everyone who ever gives negative feedback). The pattern of repeated conflict in different situations and settings illuminated the real issue. In this case a new goal and related set of behaviors, allowing others to critique, resolves the root of the internal conflict.

Notice that in this case the solution is to create more specific goals. In other words, to be a great artist is a goal, but accepting criticism is a specific attainable goal that will help the individual achieve the ultimate goal of becoming great. These new insights brought out by introspection result in personal growth and development.

Once the individual has resolved the internal conflict, he or she may need to apologize to those who have been inadvertently hurt as a result. For example, apologize to the art instructor that was cussed out for being honest. Becoming more aware of your own personal beliefs, goal, and values as well as noticing behaviors can prevent future internal conflict. After the internal conflict is resolved and conflict with others exists it is time to incorporate external conflict strategies.

Communication Type Characteristics

Assertiveness prevents conflict.

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External Conflict: Conflict with Others
Since prevention is always easier than treatment, predicting causes of external conflict will be easier than trying to constantly put out fires. Strategies such as assertive communication can revolutionize relationships with others making conflict obsolete. This is due to assertiveness’s ability to communicate active, respectful, goal-oriented messages. The great thing about assertive people is they don’t easily lose their cool, respond appropriately, and stay to the point. Leaning to use “I” statements and questions will revolutionize interactions with others. Practice these until they become second nature. It is most difficult to be assertive when things heat up, so practice in benign conversation. Eventually, assertive statements will happen even when upset.

Chose now to break old habits, and commit to create new healthier habits. Get your emotions out by exercising, creating art, or singing. Screaming and cussing someone out will not feel good in the long run. So get emotions under control, at least one person must be under control to solve external conflict. Stop blaming, be the bigger man (or woman) and be the leader in your relationships.

Sources of Conflict:

Conflict with others comes from differences. Differences in beliefs, expectations, goals, values, and behaviors make us rub each other the wrong way easily. Just think of all conflict created by these differences in a marriage. For example, one person wants to save for a house, while the other person wants to have fun while they are young. One person values gifts from the other; the other person expects kind words. Conflict will continue until the values and expectations are exposed in each person.

Conflict Management Tools:

Two major prevalent tools exist to resolve conflict: Compromise and Collaboration. Each will be useful in different situations. Considerations include time constraints, number of people involved, relationships of parties involved, and differences of the people involved.

Compromise:

Compromise, the simpler of the two conflict resolution tools, is commonly promoted as the best way to get along and improve relationships. Collaboration, however, is less understood, more underestimated, and rarely used correctly. Compromise in simple terms means at least two parties giving up something in order to get something in return. It is a “meeting half way” strategy for settling mostly disputes. A great historical example is the Reconstruction ending Compromise of 1877. If unfamiliar, look it up.

Collaboration:

Collaboration, on the other hand, is another category of conflict resolution. Collaboration assumes that the conflict is due to differences in people, but it takes a progressive approach to resolution. Collaboration views differences as strengths, includes all parties involved, values delaying quick decisions, demands all parties to be 100% satisfied. Sound way too good to be true? Unfortunately, it is easily missed as an option and prevalently overlooked when used.

Division of labor is a great example of collaboration. For example, we can’t all engineer our own technological gadgets, grow our own food, teach children algebra, and install electricity in our homes. We depend on specialized people to be “different” for the sake of efficiency. We especially find these differences developing in families. One person is good at keeping the house clean and managing money, and another is good at making money and maintaining the family vehicle. These are strengths that make our interactions with others opportunities to create something together that is not possible alone. Great collaborations occur within bands and between artists. Some artists, such as The Stones, have been collaborating for half a century.

Collaboration utilizes differences in skills, and is powered by unity in beliefs, values, and goals by creating something larger than the sum. For this reason it is a good idea to be married to someone who has similar values (i.e. religious, political, monetary) but who has a different skill set. The team will be unstoppable at achieving their similar goals, holding up their similar values, and practicing their similar beliefs in efficient ways. For this reason collaboration should be used for those who have similar goals. Compromise should be used for those without the connection of similar beliefs, values, and goals. In either case communication will need to occur to find out where the conflict is.

Conflict Management Steps
We need to stop viewing conflict as a road block and start viewing it as an opportunity, just as we might view suffering as an opportunity to help others. This change in goal from one of winning or giving up to one of learning and growing relationships gives new perspective allowing healthy conflict management.

Steps to effectively managing conflict in your life:

Check yourself. Make sure you are not the problem or that you are not taking your own issues out on another person.
Learn effective communication. learning to communicate effectively will help you prevent conflict with others. An example is the use of “I” focused statements instead of “YOU” statements that can be interpreted as blaming and offensive.
Ask Questions. Before talking, ask questions so that you understand the other person.
List possible solutions. This should be done with those involved in the conflict. Do not limit yourself to obvious answers. Try not to vote.
Collaborate. Allow all involved to give input and select the best solution that satisfies everyone. Try not to vote because voting can cause alienation. Compromise if necessary, usually when goals and values differ too much.

The Top 10 Tips on Managing Conflict, Emotional Tension and Anger

by Clare Albright

To be a safe and predictable person for those around you at work and at home, it is essential that you are able to maintain your composure when you feel like your ‘buttons’ are being pushed. This strength will help you to achieve your goals in business as well as your goals for your personal relationships.

1. Share negative emotions only in person or on the phone. E-mails, answering machine messages, and notes are too impersonal for the delicate nature of negative words. What feels like a bomb on paper may feel like a feather when delivered in person.

2. Pepper your responses with the phrase, “I understand”. This phrase will support your goals when the tension is high and you need to find common ground to form compromises or agreements with the other party.

3. Take notice when you feel threatened by what someone is saying to you. Resist the temptation to defend yourself or to “shut down” the other person’s communication. It will take this kind of discipline to become an open, trusting communicator.

4. Practice making requests of others when you are angry. It is often much more useful to make a request than to share your anger. For example, if the babysitter is driving you crazy by leaving dirty dishes in the sink, it is better to make a request of them than to let your anger leak out in other ways such as by becoming more distant.

5. Try repeating the exact words that someone is saying to you when they are in a lot of emotional pain or when you disagree with them completely. This mirroring technique can keep both the speaker and the listener ‘centered’ in a difficult conversation, especially when the attitude of the person doing the mirroring is to gain understanding of a different point of view.

6. Take responsibility for your feelings to avoid blaming others. Notice when ‘blameshifting’ begins to leak into your speech. “I feel angry when you are twenty minutes late and you don’t call me” is much better than, “You make me so mad by being late.”

7. Learn to listen to the two sides of the conflict that you are in as if you were the mediator or the counselor. If you can listen and respond in this way you will bring peace and solutions to the conflict more quickly. For example, in response to an employee’s raise request, you might say, “On the one hand I understand that you really need the raise, and on the other hand I represent the company, whose funds are very scarce at this time. Is there a way that I can work on your compensation package that does not involve cash?” Here, the mediator’s point of view can look for the creative compromise that takes into account the limits and the needs of both parties.

8. Take a playful attitude towards developing the skill of emotional self-control in high conflict situations. You could view maintaining self-control in a tense, angry converstion as an athletic feat. You could also view developing this skill as similar to working out at the gym with weights – the more that you use your self-control muscle the bigger it will grow and the easier it will be to remain calm when tension is great.

9. Wait a few days to cool down emotionally when a situation makes you feel wild with intense feelings, such as rage. As time passes, you will be able to be more objective about the issues and to sort out the truth about the situation more clearly.

10. Make a decision to speak with decorum whenever you are angry or frustrated. If you give yourself permission to blow up, people will not feel safe around you. They will feel that you are not predictable and will carry ’shields’ when they are near you. The fear and walls of others will not support your goals for success in relationships or at work.

WOMEN CREATING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS: ARE YOU TEACHING OTHERS HOW TO TREAT YOU?

I was recently on a call, coaching a group of therapists across the country. The conversation turned to women accepting the unacceptable, which happens to be one of my biggest pet peeves with women. One of the male therapists on the call was relieved to hear this perspective from a woman. He then stated with absolute confidence that his wife trained him to be the man he was. He was clear that she would never allow him to treat her poorly…and so he doesn’t.

It was an interesting comment to hear coming from a man. The content wasn’t as surprising to me as the fact that he was so certain that his wife had trained him how to behave (his words). He knew to the core of his being that his wife would not accept unacceptable behavior from him–period. He said that he meant to treat his wife well, but as a young man (48 years ago) he didn’t know when his behavior was out of line and learned from her clarity of direction. He knew that in his younger years he would say something or do something that he thought was fine only to find out from her that it wasn’t. He stopped as soon as he realized she wouldn’t accept it.
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December 11, 2009 in WOMEN | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)
SUCCESSFUL PARENTING 101: THE MUST HAVE INGREDIENTS (PART II)

Below are the remaining five tips for being a good parent as a follow up from my last post.
1. A BACKBONE AND GOOD BOUNDARIES: Doing the right thing as a parent is incredibly hard. Seldom are our children going to run up to us and give us a hug after we take their phone or computer away. Often our rules are met with back talk and a thousand variations of “I hate you!” We need good boundaries (read my post on boundaries for a refresher). We need to know that they’re struggling to handle their anger and don’t always mean what they say. Now, of course, if our child is seventeen and still saying that…we may need to be a bit more worried.
2. WARMTH AND ABILITY TO SHOW LOVE WITH ACTIONS AND WORDS NOT JUST BY PROVIDING FOR: I’ve worked with many adults who were impacted by the lack of affection of their parents. They had mothers who were great at dinners, housework and limits, but had no idea how to be affectionate or warm. This isn’t okay. As parents, we need to do our own work and make sure we can be good parents to our children. Children want to be — and feel — loved. It’s our job to make sure we show them they are. Give hugs, say you love them, pat them on the back, be playful, ruffle their hair, etc. WARM UP. If this is hard for you then get help—your children need it.
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December 09, 2009 in PARENTING | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)
SUCCESSFUL PARENTING 101: THE MUST HAVE INGREDIENTS (PART I)

Parenting is the most difficult job in the world to do well. It requires love, guidance, limits, patience, acceptance, amazing boundaries and healthy self esteem. Yikes! How many people in the world have all of the above? Below is a cheat sheet of what I have found to be the most important aspects of good parenting:
1. CONFIDENCE IN YOURSELF: It is vital that you see yourself as a competent, able individual. If you don’t, your children will see right through your insecurities and be forever testing you. You need to remember that your children are much younger and less experienced in life than you are. Have faith in yourself and your ability to guide them. Know that some of your decisions are not going to be liked and that is okay. Also know that sometimes you will not know what the right decision is. Not knowing the right move just makes you human, so don’t fret. Get help — ask other parents for advice, read parenting books or talk to professionals. No one knows everything.
2. WILLINGNESS TO SET LIMITS: Know that kids need limits. When they don’t have them, they feel out of control…and begin to act out of control. Be clear about what is and is not okay in your home and explicitly state those rules to your children. Also, clearly state in advance what the consequences will be should they choose to disobey the rules.

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December 07, 2009 in PARENTING | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
AFFAIRS AND THE OTHER WOMAN: LIES OTHER WOMEN TELL THEMSELVES

With all the hype about Tiger Woods and the alleged other women, I thought I’d address affairs from a different angle. Below are myths that many of the other women in the world believe. While I understand how and why they believe these stories, let me be clear that they are all MYTHS.

1. I’m his true love. You may feel like his true love, however chances are his wife was also his true love at first. Most relationships are intimate and great in the beginning—your affair is no different. Affairs are easy to be intimate in — you don’t have the demands of kids, jobs, finances, keeping things interesting after being together for ten years, etc.
2. His wife is cold and doesn’t know how to keep him happy. His wife is not the cold, frigid witch that you may think she is or that he may paint her to be. I know many married couples who were having sex throughout the man’s affair and reported being happy with one another. Not everything the man tells you is true. More often than not, he’s lying to you the same way he’s lying to his wife; you’re no different. I can’t tell you how many other women were hurt to find out that their lover and his wife were still having sex. The other women were shocked to find out that the men were lying to them too. Don’t think you’re above his lies—you’re not. Be careful about thinking his wife is a cold witch because some day he’s likely to say the same about you.

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December 03, 2009 in AFFAIRS | Permalink | Comments (6) | TrackBack (0)
THE STING OF SARCASM DOESN’T BELONG IN RELATIONSHIPS

Lately I’ve been seeing the effects of sarcasm everywhere. Whether it’s watching my own family, my friends’ families or the families of my clients, sarcasm still has that same familiar sting. Sarcasm comes from the Greek word sarkasmos or sarkazein, which means to tear flesh, or to bite the lips in rage.

The purpose of sarcasm is to mock others. The better the cut-down, the funnier we think it is. Sarcasm hurts because it is meant to hurt.

Sarcasm is often an unspoken truth, judgment or resentment wrapped up as a joke. We throw out a comment and then follow it up with a smile or a chuckle and think that’s okay. It’s just a little joke. Unfortunately, the smile or chuckle does not soften the sting.

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November 30, 2009 in MISCELLANEOUS | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)
TIPS FOR NEWLY WEDS

For those of you new to the world of marriage (and even those of us not so new to marriage), here a few good tips to help you start out this journey on the right foot. Listen to this advice and I promise you will be ten steps ahead of most marriages!
1. Always listen to what your partner has to say—even if you disagree. Listening to understand their point of view will save you countless arguments in the future. Most of us just want to feel heard—not agreed with. Your partner needs to feel that you respect their view point because you respect them. You do not need to DO what they say-–just LISTEN to what they say.
2. Do not defend, dismiss or minimize your partner’s upsets. When you minimize or defend against what your partner is telling you, they grow tired of telling you things. Eventually, they give up on working things out with you because they assume you will just defend against it or minimize it. They begin to think it’s not worth their breath. That’s when the distance happens. Have the courage to own your part and stop defending.
3. Learn to make clear agreements up front. For example, my husband and I have an agreement that if we are going to be more than an hour late, we had better call. Other couples will agree that if you say you’re going to be home by 6 p.m., you better be home by 6 p.m. There’s no right or wrong agreement as long as you BOTH agree.
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November 24, 2009 in RELATIONSHIP TIPS
SIGNS OF A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

Is your relationship mediocre or toxic? Many people know when their relationship isn’t as good as they would like. They realize there’s something missing, yet they think most relationships are missing something. Where people get stuck is in realizing when a relationship isn’t ideal versus when a relationship is toxic. Here’s a quick list of signs that your relationship may be toxic:

1. There is any type of physical abuse going on in the relationship. If there is any physical abuse going on (hitting, pinching, pushing, pulling hair, slapping, etc.) then your relationship is toxic. This is true even if the abuse happens only twice a year. What you need to know about this is that abusers will abuse no matter who they are with—it’s not about you. It’s about the abuser. The bottom line is that abusers rely on others to allow their abuse.
2. One partner is having an affair (or multiple affairs) and is not willing to give it up. When you stay with a partner who’s having an ongoing affair, it is toxic to your system. You start questioning your own attractiveness, you begin to hate the fact that you “can’t” seem to leave and you begin to cling to your partner out of desperation. Your fear of losing your partner results in your accepting all sorts of unacceptable behavior. The ripple effect of your staying in this situation is self esteem issues, depression, lack of self respect and even physical/health problems.

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November 20, 2009 in MISCELLANEOUS | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)
GETTING THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS WITH YOUR RELATIONSHIPS STILL IN TACT:-)

GETTING THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS WITH YOUR RELATIONSHIPS STILL INTACT
Regardless of whether you love the holidays or dread them, they can be very stressful. Many people are trying to manage work, home, holidays, in-laws, traditions and finances all at once. Under the best of circumstances this can be somewhat daunting. If you’re also the one entertaining, it can be that much harder.

You can make it, however, with minimal damage if you pay attention to the following holiday and entertaining tips:
1. Be yourself—not who you think everyone else wants you to be. If you’re not into the finest china and most beautiful décor, then don’t try to force it. Don’t try to put on a show for others. Play to your strengths and don’t sign up for guilt. If you tend to be more laid back, then have a laid back dinner.
2. Relax and use your boundaries. Remember that other people’s upsets are not always about you. Don’t try so hard to make everyone happy; instead just provide a calm environment in which people can be themselves. Remember that some people love family gatherings while others hate them. If someone in your family’s off by themselves, don’t take it personally. Let them take care of themselves and you take care of yourself.

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November 18, 2009 in HOLIDAYS | Permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)
FROM HOUSEWIFE TO PARTNER: ARE YOU COURAGEOUS ENOUGH TO MAKE THE SWITCH? Teamwork in Relationships

I noticed a tweet on Twitter this morning that said, “Hubby has the day off so he’s home. So I can’t play around like I normally do. I have to clean and cook and all of that crap. Ugh.” When I re-tweeted this with a “Why?” at the beginning of the retweet, this is the response I got back: “Guess I feel like I have to live up to the “housewife” name when he’s at home .”

I’m sure this person is not alone in her thinking. I know many women who believe they have to take care of 90% of the housework in addition to being the primary parent for the children. Many of these same women also work full time jobs outside the home. Some do carry the bulk of the household load because they believe this is just what women do—that’s the way it is. Others believe that if they didn’t do it, no one else would. They may fear that their partner would become angry at any demands put on him. They also fear that asking for help would upset the family system.

The fact that these women carry the bulk of the load is not necessarily the problem. If a woman likes to be in charge of the household and children, then there’s no problem with her taking on that role. The problem arises however, when she takes all this on out of a sense of duty, obligation or fear. Taking on the bulk of the family and household responsibilities out of duty, obligation or fear is the quickest road to resentment, depression and miserable relationships. It is not a gift to your family—it is an anchor dragging you down.
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November 11, 2009 in MISCELLANEOUS, WOMEN | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)
SELF-CONFIDENCE IN RELATIONSHIPS: ARE YOU THROWING YOURSELF UNDER THE BUS TO HELP OTHERS FEEL BETTER?

Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
Mariann Williamson

Time and time again I hear people minimizing their accomplishments, down playing their successes or magnifying their faults in an effort to avoid the possibility that those around them will feel bad. I see this process especially with women. We tell ourselves that we shouldn’t brag, rub our successes in or make the other person feel bad by talking about the things going well for us. What we don’t realize is we can’t make other people feel anything. If someone feels jealous because of something I have, something I accomplished or one of my successes, that’s about them—it’s not about me. And—it’s not being a good friend.

The other day I had a most refreshing conversations with a friend. It was also an odd conversation, since the dynamic that happened happens so seldom with women. At the beginning of the conversation I was sharing about various stresses going on in my life and doing my fair share of whining. I then asked about how things were going with her and she proceeded to tell me all the wonderful things that were happening for her. She was talking about what a good place she was in, how her children were settling in well and how fortunate she was feeling in all aspects of her life. It was inspiring on many levels.
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November 09, 2009 in AUTHENTICITY | Permalink | Comments (2) | TrackBack (0)
LAYOFFS, FINANCIAL STRUGGLES & JOB INSECURITIES: WHAT SHOULD COUPLES DO?

More and more couples are feeling the ripple effect of a struggling economy. Layoffs are a reality for many couples. Even those couples who currently have jobs are often fearful they won’t have them for long. Couples are struggling to get through these times without losing their homes, jobs or entire savings.

Not surprisingly, all these concerns can take a toll on relationships. Under increased stress, couples tend to fight more, have less patience with one another and can distance from one another if they’re not careful. Fear and anxiety can leave us all somewhat ragged if we don’t keep it in check. For those couples feeling the stress of the economy, here are a few tips to help you to stay centered and connected through the stress:

1. Remember that you’re a team. The reality is that what effects one of you, affects both of you. If you’re the one who is facing a layoff, remember that it is not just your issue. Talk to your partner about what’s going on so you can both put your heads together and address the issues as a team. When one partner tries to handle everything alone it creates distance between the couple. It also uses only half the resources available. If one partner is particularly anxious about the future, it’s helpful for the other partner to try to be more grounded. A little anxiety is fine, however it will not help your family if you are both feeding off one another’s anxiety. Someone needs to be the calm voice that says things will be okay. It’s okay if that role shifts back and forth—as long as that voice is somewhere in the equation.

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November 05, 2009 in MISCELLANEOUS | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
MEN, WOMEN AND ANGER: SHOULD THE WORLD ACCEPT RAGE FROM BOTH MEN AND WOMEN?

A blog writer from the blog Tres Sugar in the UK writes in a post: “While uncontrolled anger or physical violence is nothing for either sex to be proud of, does it bother you that women are expected to be ashamed of their anger since society often tolerates male rage?” http://www.tressugar.com/5455426

I found this to be an interesting comment. My take is our society should stop tolerating male rage, NOT, start tolerating female rage. Rage is abusive regardless of whether it’s coming from a man, woman or child. The last thing we need is to be more tolerant of rage rather than less tolerant.

What do you think?

Challenge: Read the link and tell us what you think.

November 03, 2009 in MISCELLANEOUS | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)
REMOVE THE PHRASE “YOU’RE TOO SENSITIVE” FROM YOUR LIST OF RESPONSES IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

In my work with couples, I’m constantly hearing men tell their partners, “You’re too sensitive”. They often say this in response to the women complaining about how the men are speaking to them. The women complain that the men are harsh or derogatory in how they speak to them and the men complain that the women are too sensitive.

Ironically, I had to chuckle this morning when I corrected my son about his tone and his response was…yep you guessed it: “Mom, you’re too sensitive”. Actually, I would’ve chuckled I suppose, if I weren’t so annoyed by the dismissiveness of the comment.

Many people believe that if they don’t intend to have a tone, that they don’t have a tone. Many also believe that if they don’t think they’re being disrespectful or speaking harshly, then they’re not. Because they don’t agree with the complaint, the problem must therefore be that the other person is too sensitive.
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October 30, 2009 in MISCELLANEOUS | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
YOUR SILENCE AND INACTION—IS ACTION: CALIFORNIA TEEN GANG RAPED AT HOMECOMING—WHILE 15 OTHER KIDS WATCH!!!

I am so appalled as I write this that I can barely contain myself. A 15 year old girl was brutally gang raped at Richmond High School in California by at least 4 males for TWO HOURS. As she was being raped, the word got out and more and more people showed up… to WATCH! In the end, there were reportedly FIFTEEN bystanders who stood by and watched her be sexually assaulted so bad that she had to be life-flighted to the nearest hospital.

Can you imagine this poor young girl being gang raped and hoping and praying for someone to see what was going on? People start to come and she thinks “Thank God, they’re going to save me!” The next thing she knows some of those hopeful “saviors” become her rapists. As more and more people come, she realizes that she is on show and not one person out of the 15 bystanders is going to do a damn thing to end this. They watch for TWO HOURS. They WATCH for TWO HOURS…without a word to stop it; without a call to the police; without a text message to a parent; WITHOUT A THING!!!

Every single boy who raped her, as well as every single accomplice who watched, should be arrested and sent to jail. When they sat there for TWO HOURS watching that crime, they took part in committing it. There will now be a thousand articles about the bystander effect to explain this horrendous incident. I’m sure the parents of the teens watching will cling to this as an excuse for their son WATCHING FOR TWO HOURS while this young girl was being brutally gang raped. There is no excuse. Every single parent, whose son watched this crime and did nothing, should be walking their son to the closest police department and putting his butt in jail. There is NO excuse for becoming a spectator to gang rape as though it was a sporting event.
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October 27, 2009 in VIOLENCE IN RELATIONSHIPS | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBack (0)
THE ART OF BEING SUPPORTIVE IN RELATIONSHIPS

When we first enter relationships it seems as though our relationship IQ is in the genius range. We’re loving, great listeners, good sharers and incredibly supportive. The longer we stay in relationships, however, it seems as though some of us develop relationship dementia — we simply forget how to be in a relationship.

This effect is similar to the one I see when I’m training therapists across the country in Terry Real’s Relational Life Therapy Model. When I’m running a workshop, the therapists are quite adept at speaking about the concepts of the model when we are in lecture format. When they are placed in a role-play situation, however, their IQ’s drastically decline. For the participant role-playing the therapist, it’s as though there is an IQ vacuum that sucks 50 IQ points out of their brains—and adds 50 IQ points to the therapists who are observing. Because this phenomenon is so universal, we all laugh, normalize it and have a lot of empathy for the person in the “brain-drain chair.”

Regarding relationships, however, the brain-drain is anything but a laughing matter. It seems the longer a person is in a relationship, the larger the brain-drain effect. This is particularly true around supporting one another. Couples in the honeymoon stage are brilliant supporters. They are encouraging, understanding and great motivators. Of course, in the early stages of a relationship there is very little to lose by encouraging your new loved one to take risks, leave their job, start a new business, etc. Your finances, future and children are not wrapped up in that risk. As the relationship progresses and your life is more intertwined with your partner’s, this level of support is much more difficult to give.

Fight Fair! 6 Simple Conflict Resolution Skills for Your Marriage
Written by Dustin on October 24, 2009

f you are married or in a serious relationship, I bet it’s fair to say that you have had disagreements with your partner. For most of us, that’s putting it lightly. It is only natural that spouses that spend so much time together are going to have conflicts. Whenever we do fight, it is critical that we use healthy conflict resolution skills and fight fair!
Remember, when an argument arises, your goal is to resolve the issue at-hand and not to hurt your loved one. A healthy and marriage-oriented style of conflict resolution strives for two winners through compromise and understanding. If your actions are not conducive to resolving the issue at hand, then you are not fighting fair.
Of course, this is easier said than done in the heat of the moment. Fortunately, by adopting some simple rules for fair fighting, you really can allow cooler heads to prevail and resolve conflicts without causing long-term damage to your relationship.
My wife and I learned about these easy-to-remember-rules when they were presented by another (older and wiser) couple at a Pre-Cana marriage preparation course where we were instructing on a different subject. Their topic was communication, and healthy conflict resolution is a vital aspect of good communication.
Like most good advice, these rules for fighting fair are provided in the form of a great acronym: FIGHTS.
Face each other
Look into each others eyes as you discuss problems. This is particularly difficult for those who are used to guerrilla warfare – shouting some nasty comment, slamming down the phone or slamming a door – leaving no room for discussion because your partner is absent. However, two people can be in the same room and still be absent. Put down the paper or turn off the TV, and come out of hiding. You both need to participate.
Ignore distractions
Focus on resolving only the problem at hand. Avoid raising side issues.
Guard your tongue
Avoid ridiculing and name-calling. Name-calling is like swearing, and it attacks your partner’s character. Once name-calling enters the fight, your partner won’t hear anything you say, no matter how right you might be. He becomes too busy thinking about how to defend himself instead of listening to you.
Hold the history
“You always”, “why can’t you ever”, and “you never” are examples of history. And history doesn’t belong in your arguments. Bringing up history indicates to your partner that nothing will ever change and that the past has not been forgiven or forgotten.
Touch
Hold hands. This position softens the heart and makes us feel vulnerable to each other. We are more willing to be reasonable and caring than to win at all costs when we hold hands.
Stay in there
Finish the fight. Don’t go to bed with unresolved anger.
Finally, you must be open to compromise. You can walk hand-in-hand without always seeing eye-to-eye.
If you and your spouse take these rules to heart during a calm time, you can set healthy ground rules for conflict resolution that will serve you well in your marriage. When my wife and I argue and come to realize that we’re out of bounds and not following the “fighting fair guidelines”, one of us says “we’re not fighting fair” and we look at each other and laugh. Then we get back to actually working to resolve the real issue.

MANAGING CONFLICT IN MARRIAGE

by David and Claudia Arp
Constructive arguing involves expressing negative feelings in a positive way … It is not unlike learning to speak a new language.

Deal with your own anger

When we have negative feelings, we need to look inward before we can relate outward. Dr. Harriet Lerner, in The Dance of Anger, points out, “When emotional intensity is high, many of us engage in nonproductive efforts to change the other person, and in so doing, fail to exercise our power to clarify and change our own selves.”

She suggests several questions to ask yourself:

What am I really angry about?
What is the problem and whose problem is it?
How can I sort out who is responsible for what?
How can I learn to express my anger in a way that will not leave me feeling helpless and powerless?
When I am angry, how can I clearly communicate my position without becoming defensive or attacking?
What risks and losses might I face if I become clearer and more assertive?
When dealing with our own anger, remember that we can change no other person by direct action. We can only change ourselves. But an interesting thing happens when we change our responses — others may change in response to us.

Dr. Lerner notes we are responsible for our own behavior. But we are not responsible for other people’s reactions; nor are they responsible for ours … We begin to use our anger as a vehicle for change when we are able to share our reactions without holding the other person responsible for causing our feelings, and without blaming ourselves for the reactions that other people have in response to our choices and actions.

Steps for resolving conflict

There are a number of problem-solving formulas, but most contain four steps:

State the problem. Too often couples try to resolve conflict without agreeing on what the conflict really is! We find it helpful to write it out so that we’re both trying to resolve the same thing.
Identify what is at stake and what each has invested. Who has the greatest need for a solution?
List possible solutions. The more the merrier. We brainstorm and think of as many solutions as possible. And remember, adding humor will relieve stress and lighten up any situation.
Choose one and try it! If your first choice doesn’t work, don’t give up, check your list and try another possible solution and then another till something works . . .
Three ways to resolve issues

Give a gift of love. We ask if whatever we are talking about is more important to one than to the other. Then the one to whom it is less important may simply agree to give in and give a gift of love. The Scriptures tell us it is more blessed to give than to receive, and this is certainly true in marriage — unless it’s one person who is doing all of the giving, and then you have another problem!
The second way to find resolution is for each to give a little; to meet somewhere in the middle. Many times we compromise.
There are other times when we simply agree to disagree, and that’s the third way to settle an issue. Some things aren’t that important, and as we said, we don’t need to agree on everything. We agree with Ray Ortlund: “Why do we have to agree, or win, or conclude every discussion? Some great truths are opposites and must forever be held in tension … a little turbulence can be healthy for the second half of marriage …”
So let us encourage you to let anger, conflict and humor enrich your relationship. One of these days, it may save your life. It did ours!

Conflict-Resolving Work to Save Your Marriage

Fighting, bickering, silence, misunderstandings, frustration, arguments, and a steadily growing distance between the two of you….does any of this sound familiar? Do you miss the way your relationship “used to be” and wish you could get it back? Conflict-resolving and better communication skills play a vital role in keeping your marriage healthy. You can, you really can, but it will take work and commitment.

All relationships face conflict at some point, and marriage is no different. It is however, a more intense arena for dealing with problems and at times, those difficulties can seem insurmountable. If your marriage has been facing a lot of conflict, and you are worried divorce is now an option, it’s time to take action. It is time to improve your communication and conflict resolution skills. If you are not sure where to start, that is okay. The best resource I have seen on the market is the Secret of Marriage by Lee Baucom- trained marriage counselor of nearly 20 years. Check it out. Now let’s talk.
Commitment to your Marriage is the Key to Avoiding Divorce / Conflict-Resolving Will Become a Priority
Remember your vows. Divorce was not a promise you made.
The key to saving your marriage is in being true to the commitment you made on your wedding day. I bet that 99.9% of all married couples did not take vows that said something like “I will remain married to you as long as I am happy and feel like it.” That would be absurd. Rather, they committed to the marriage through thick and thin, good times and bad, sickness and health…” So that commitment needs to be the foundation that the rest of your marriage is built upon.

Once you and your spouse can agree on this, you can then take divorce out of the conversation. It will no longer be an option because you have chosen to keep the vow you made on the day you were married. If you can do this, things will undoubtedly begin to change. Working through issues will now be easier because that option of off the table…the fear, anxiety, or power struggle will no longer factor in. Instead, you two will begin to work on the issues before you. So start here. Remember your vow to the marriage, and commit to it once again.
What Makes A Marriage Work? Commitment Focuses on Conflict-Resolving
Commitment to the promises you made on your wedding day.
Do you believe that happiness in your marriage will be based on how compatible you are with your spouse? If you do, you are not alone. So many people believe this as well, and the media portrays this as being the most important thing. For example, look at what all the Online Dating services offer: finding compatibility with another person. We have been sucked into believing that this is the magic formula, but it is not.

Compatibility should not be a deciding factor as to weather you marriage will last or not. Instead, I challenge you to consider that what counts in making a happy marriage is how you deal with incompatibility.
This one skill is sadly missing in so many marriages today.

But lets talk about the foundation of a happy couple. I believe it comes when two people are in love. However, one of the main reasons cited for divorce is that someone just isn’t in love with their spouse anymore. To me, this is an indicator that keeping those loving feelings alive would be foundational to saving your marriage. Once that love has been re-ignited it is then so much easier to work through other problems such as conflict resolution.
Couples Married and In Love Keep the Feeling Alive
How can you get those loving feelings back?
If you or your spouse just don’t feel “in love” which each other anymore, then it’s time to work to bring back those feelings. They are foundational to your marriage staying together. You need to work hard to build those feelings up again.

The very best way to explain it is has been shared by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. He has described it in the context of each spouse having a love bank that the other spouse either deposits or withdraws from. If to much hurt has occurred and no love has been shown, the bank will be empty, and leave the relationship in a state of despair. The remedy? Show love to your spouse. Help to rebuild those feelings in them, even if you don’t feel like it at first. Let me share ideas on how to do this.

Your spouse’s feelings towards you are directly related to how you treat them. Your words, actions and behaviors all impact your spouse in one way or another. Learning to understand your partner’s emotional needs and desires will allow you to impact them positively, thus building up those feelings of love.
Five specific things that will hurt your relationship and the love you share are:
1. Selfish Demands
2. Disrespectful Judgments
3. Angry Outburst
4. Annoying Habits
5. Dishonesty

Avoid these behaviors and watch the feeling of love grow. Once your partner begins to feel loved by you, the natural tendency will be for them to reciprocate loving gestures back, thus filling your love bank. The eventual outcome will be the feeling of “being in love” with your spouse again. Once that is established, working through all of the other marital issues, like conflict resolution will become a lot easier.
Conflict In Marriage – It’s Going To Happen
But good conflict resolution skills can help.
All relationships face conflict, but how it’s resolved is really what matters. It would seem, by the statistics on divorce, many couples do not have an understanding of healthy conflict management. Rather, things go on unresolved and eventually, a good marriage ends up in divorce when it didn’t have to. Therefore, an important course of action to take would be to get information from an expert in the field of marriage and relationships, and learn some new skills that you can use in your marriage. One such expert is Lee Baucom and his course The Secret of Marriage .

Conflict resolution is one of the biggest challenges many couples face. And when it goes unresolved, conflict can build a wall between the two partners. This then leads to resentment, discouragement and even bigger problems than were originally there. Hence, learning to work through disagreements would be an enormous help to all relationships. I would like to offer you some easy ideas that you can implement today that may help you and your spouse. Even the smallest changes will make a difference. You’ve got to be willing to try it to see.
Will “The Secret of Marriage” Program help me in my Unhappy Marriage?
That is a very fair question!

Here’s the interesting thing to think about; we all know people who have divorced. They are not bad people (OK, some may be unpleasant!). So divorce is not an issue just for bad people, bad communicators, etc., etc., etc. Divorce can happen to perfectly wonderful people. . . who just don’t know how to stay married! They finally give up because they can’t figure out a way to make it work. This program will help you to do just that.

So, is this program for you?
1. Are you struggling to stay married, worried that you may be headed for trouble?
2. Are you faced with the looming prospect of divorce?
3. Does your spouse think your marriage is hopeless. . . and you mostly agree?
4. Do you find yourself having the same issues over and over, unable to break out of the painful patterns?
5. Or are you trying to make sure you have the best information to keep your marriage on-track?
6. Or are you preparing for marriage and want to get started on the best possible footing?
7. Or are you in a committed relationship, contemplating marriage, but want to know what makes a marriage work?

If you answered “YES” to any of those, The Secret Of Marriage will be invaluable to you! With a 90% success rate, Mr. Baucom does know how to help couples. That is very good news.
Help Your Marriage – Conflict Resolution and Communication Must Be Improved
Do you remember the love that brought the two of you together that day?
Nobody ever said it would be easy, and certainly nothing prepares you for the life change that you undertake in marriage. There is no manual that comes with the marriage license that tells you how to make things work. So you blunder on, doing the best you can. But what if that’s not enough? Don’t be scared to ask for help.

You can save yourself the stress and emotional heartache and re-ignite the passion that you once both felt. Let The Secret of Marriage help you and your partner resolve your conflicts, and get your loving partner back. Its not going to be easy, but what this program provides you with is all the relationship advice and tools necessary to facilitate dialogue and works towards repairing the hurt of a failing marriage.

Amy Waterman, the author of “Save Your Marriage Today” has created a valuable tool that will change your marriage and change your life! See it for yourself and turn your marriage around today!
Get Some Marriage Help Today with new Communication Skills
Are you and your spouse great communicators? If you’re thinking “Not even close…” take heart! Communication skills are easy to learn and to put into practice.

Here are some insights from Dr. Greg Smalley:
Good communication begins with good listening.

He outlines the four foundations of good communication:
1. Listening – By listening to your spouse, you communicate that they are a person of worth and what they say is important.

2. Understanding – You may have to paraphrase back to your spouse what you hear them saying so that you clearly understand what has been said: “What I just heard you say was%u2026″

3. Validating – Then your spouse can verify or correct until he is saying and you are hearing exactly what he means. You can affirm your spouse by understanding what is communicated and validating the communication.

4. Responding – At this point, you can decide how to respond to what your spouse has said.

This is just a brief sample of what you will learn in the Unlocking The Secrets of Marriage course, but a very effective way to make positive changes in your communication style.
Learning Conflict Resolution In Your Relationship
Since happiness is not solely based on compatibility, but largely on communication and conflict resolution, let’s talk a bit about these two skills. An acronym I have been taught is to practice the REST method. Here is a guideline:

R- Review the Problem
Before you can adequately solve a problem, you must both be able to identify and agree upon what the problem is. This will take communicating with one another in a non-threatening way. An important was to facilitate this is to both agree to discuss a problem and then use “I” statements, rather than “You” statements. The goal is to find a resolution and defensiveness will hinder that from happening.

E- Evaluate the Options
This is a brainstorming session where you both share what ideas come to mind. It is not a time to be negative or critical, but a time for optimism and being open minded. Compromise is also an important component of this process. Often times, this is the step where couples get stuck. They are not sure what the options for solving these problems are. They are not sure what to do next. The Secret of Marriage is a great resource to help you see what steps you need to take to turn things around in your relationship.

S- Solve the Problem
Choose one of the options you just brainstormed and put a plan into action. This option is not the “only option” so be willing to give it a try. You can always re-evaluate and try something new. Again, if you have information from a Professional Marriage Counselor to help guide you through this process, you will see positive results in your marriage.

T- Track Progress
Set aside to sit down and talk about how the solution is working. It may be going very well, or you may see that a different option needs to be explored. The important part is that you evaluate it together as a couple to ensure that you both feel like a positive change is occurring.
Here’s my favorite link:
Find the help you need. The Secret of Marriage has a 90% success rate!
The Correct Way To Argue – Good Communication Skills are a Must!
Most couples are exceedingly poor at resolving conflicts. In the relationship guide The Secret of Marriage you will learn many techniques designed to teach you how to resolve conflict in a positive way.

For now, let me share the most basic ground-rules for arguments. If you can discuss these with your spouse and agree on them together you will begin seeing changes in your relationship.

1. Abuse and physical violence will not be tolerated.
If things get too hot, take a break or take a walk.

2. Avoid assigning blame.
Instead, talk about how your partner’s actions made you feel.

3. Be honest.
Don’t argue about one thing if something else is bothering you.

4. Don’t take things personally.
When someone is upset, they can say or do things that make it worse.

5. Focus on resolving the issue–not winning the argument.
Think negotiation, not competition.

6. If your spouse hasn’t understood your motives or misunderstood what you said, don’t get angry. Explain yourself.

7. Stay in the present.
No bringing up hurtful events from the past.

8. No going to sleep on an argument.

9. No name-calling.
No matter what. Not for any reason. Just do not do it. Words do hurt.

10. Once an argument is resolved, forgive and forget.
Do not use it is ammunition in the next argument.