Take Off Your Mask and Deal with Your Emotional Baggage

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Many of us have our feet firmly planted on the treadmills of life – pursuing careers, running homes and living busy lives. Our lives have become cluttered with so much activity that it’s no surprise many women today are carrying around with them emotional baggage.
Wondering what I mean by emotional baggage? Well, after working with women for a decade, I have discovered that these come in various forms such as unresolved issues of the past (e.g. a traumatic childhood, failed relationships, etc), unmet needs, negative emotions (e.g. low self esteem, fear, etc), and the like. Emotional baggage also accumulates when you find yourself emotionally battered, wounded and scarred by life all the while carrying on, business as usual, with your mask firmly in place. After all, it’s not cool to have your business known by all on sundry. Moreover, who can the highflying female be utterly real with? Hence the ‘real’ you takes a backseat whilst you pretend being someone you are not. I guess the true test comes when the curtains fall and you have quit performing for the day. You take off your mask off and are promptly confronted with the issues you have neatly tucked away behind your mask (e.g. your success, personality, clothing, roles/responsibilities, etc). Ask me how I know this too well! Let’s just say it was a combination of my personal experiences as well as my professional experience as a life coach.

As if things weren’t bad enough, we live in a world that places a heavy emphasis on our outward parts (e.g. appearance, accomplishments, etc) whilst overlooking the rest of our being. This means we often invest little or no time nurturing or even dealing with our inner selves. Hence, it’s really no surprise that many of us are carrying around our issues, hurts and pains of yesterdays and yesteryears. Over the years, I have come to observe the result of this in that we appear to evolve into a lopsided individual that I term female hybrid. The female hybrid is an unauthentic, pale version of the original woman God had in mind when He created her. Her emotional baggage drives her to precarious attitudes, beliefs and behaviours that, in the end, hinder the full expressions of her capabilities and uniqueness (to say the least). So far, I have identified ten different types of female hybrids in my book, Overcoming Emotional Baggage: A Woman’s Guide To Living The Abundant Life (Milestones International Publishers, 2006 – ISBN: 0-924748-73-7) that you will find intriguing, if not revealing, of the woman you might have become over time. Female hybrids display a raft of mindsets and behaviours that propagate their issues. On the surface, she may even seem all that but beware of what lurks beneath the surface.

The problem with being a female hybrid is that there is a lot of inner turmoil. She is constantly trying to compensate for the baggage she is carrying around. Not knowing how to effectively deal with these, many female hybrids find themselves caught in the traps of compulsive, impulsive or addictive behaviours (to mention a few). After all, these appear to quieten the storms raging within – though often short lived. Deep down, their desire is simply to bring about restoration in their souls and having the emotional freedom to live the life they truly desire. The problem with these short-lived solutions is that they have a nasty habit of propelling the real issue and causing further problems down the line (e.g. issues with weight, health, money, relationships, etc).

So the next time you feel the need to ‘comfort eat’, indulge in retail therapy or any other behaviour to make yourself feel better, ask yourself what the REAL issue is. Reflect on why you think and/or behave in certain ways? And please, don’t fall into the trap of thinking, “this is the way I am!” or “I’m doing well in my career/business etc, hence I must be ok”. These are the perceptions that keep many of us bound for far too long. And just in case you may be wondering…you weren’t created that way neither! Mindsets such as these keep you in denial or in perpetual hiding as you keep brushing your issues under the carpet – hoping it would simply disappear some day. The simple the truth of the matter is that things will get worse unless you deal with them. There comes a time when you will have to accept that this journey called ‘life’ may bring about some challenging, perturbing or even traumatic situations. That’s just life. However, a smart woman, serious about succeeding in life, recognises the importance of effectively identifying and dealing with these situations when they arise so they don’t impact any areas of their lives or the lives of those around them.

So maybe you suspect you may have become a member of the female hybrid club. Don’t worry. All hope is not lost. I suggest you identify and confront your issues. And if necessary, get the help you need from the right places. Don’t just suffer in silence and let your emotional baggage eat away the core of you. Take action today and start living the abundant you deserve to live. To help you on your journey to emotional freedom, below are some powerful life changes to consider:

1. Slow Down: Our fast paced lifestyle is the number one culprit to the proliferation of the female hybrid. Constantly being on the go gives you little or no time to focus inwardly.

2. Get Your Life Balanced: Get a healthy balance between your work and personal life. Failing to do this will surely grant you a lifetime membership in the female hybrid club.

3. Reflect Daily: Schedule some time each day to reflect on your day and/or what’s going on in your life. If you stockpile your emotional junk, it will become a stumbling block in your life further down the line.

4. Develop Your Tripartite Being: As you are a woman made up of a spirit, soul and body, spend time developing all aspects of your self e.g. developing/renewing your relationship with God, reading books that will fortify your spirit and soul, etc.

5. Get Your Needs Met: Unmet needs are a huge contributing factor to the accumulation of emotional clutter. Therefore, identify what your needs are and get a healthy dose of them daily.

Take a Trip on the Real Relationship Ship

by Ewa Schwarz

The Typical Sinking Relationship

Just how long is your list of resentments in the relationship? Is your list so long you feel like you need a few days just to write it all down? Okay, I may be exaggerating, but in many relationships there is so much hurt and so many unresolved issues that it is no surprise that there are so many breakups and divorces. This article is going to focus on what you can do differently in your relationship to make it work better.

If you were to look at the dynamics of relationships, when you first enter into one, it just feels so good. All your problems disappear and are replaced by this intense feeling, usually a mixture of physical, emotional, and intellectual love and attraction. You are on your best behavior with one another and life feels full and alive.

As time passes by, that dynamic, energized feeling starts to abate. Small irritations arise and your partner seems less perfect than when you first met them. Then you start to notice things. You know, the things that really irritate you and get on your nerves. Resentments start to build. You begin to voice what you want to change and simmer with the rest of the unspoken words.

Then the arguments start, if they haven’t already. You are right and your partner is wrong. How could your partner even think like that? The anger builds and you start to feel less happy. You feel like you have been cheated, that your partner has misrepresented himself or herself. You have been honest from the beginning and do not understand how your partner can be like that.

All you know that if something does not change, if your partner does not change, you do not know how much longer this relationship is going to last. You may feel unappreciated, unheard, victimized, burdened, taken advantage of, etc. You know how awful this feels and your partner is not really willing to do anything about it.

Something has to change. Everything that you have tried is not working. You are at your wits end. Sure, there are the good times, but just when things are going great, something happens that pushes you even further away emotionally from your partner. You start to close down; it seems like so many things that your partner does are just so hurtful. The relationship has become just too hard.

How Has Your Ship Been Built?

Let’s look at relationships from a slightly different angle. I think most of you would agree that you carry some baggage forward into relationships. Yes? What you don’t realize is that when you first get together with your partner that you subconsciously seek out resolution to the baggage you carry. The true nature of that “baggage” is that you feel incomplete, that there is a piece of you that is unfulfilled or unvalued.

The feeling you get from this new experience of love is that it makes you feel complete, whole, valued, and safe. You don’t feel the weight of your baggage, it is as if your partner has healed the hurt and taken away the pain. You have never felt happier in your life. Then, as time goes on, some of the hurt starts to return by resurfacing.

From your perspective you mistakenly think that this is a new hurt, different than the one you brought into the relationship. Until your partner started saying or acting that certain way, you hadn’t felt hurt like that before. That is what your mind tells you and it really does appear to make perfect sense. Yet there is a hidden disappointment that the hurt you thought was healed is not only still there, but it hurts even more.

Now, each time you feel that hurt from your experiences with your partner, new resentments and levels of anger build. You start to act defensive to try and protect yourself from being hurt and to avoid further conflict. Your defensiveness starts to build walls. A relationship cannot grow with walls and the walls only get stronger every times there is a conflict.

Interestingly enough, what I just described is also what your partner is going through, differently than you are, but with the same dynamic of the fear of getting hurt. Your partner came into the relationship with the same amount of baggage, the same expectations, and is experiencing disappointment and hurt just as you are, but in their own way.

You are misinterpreting and misunderstanding why your partner is acting the way they are. Your partner is also are feeling attacked and is afraid of being hurt, just like you are. You need to understand that a lot of this happens on a subconscious level. You are only aware of a small part of what is happening in your mind or in your partner’s mind.

When both people get caught up in thinking and feeling that the other partner is responsible for their hurt, the relationship spirals downwards and starts to sink. The only way out of this spiral is to be able to look at yourself and your partner differently and unravel all the blame and hurt into something that is understandable and that gives you something to work with to change your situation.

The hurt in your partner shows up differently than yours, causing you to misunderstand and judge it because of your own fears. It becomes a catch-22 of misunderstandings and mistaken judgment of one another. We fear and judge what we do not know or are unfamiliar with. If we change our understanding, we can move closer together in intimacy and trust.

Understanding the Storms of Hurt

Every time you feel hurt emotionally, there is multi-step process that you need to go through. First acknowledge in yourself that the hurt is inside you and is not coming from an outside source. It appears that it is, but your partner has only been the trigger for the pain that you are experiencing.

Before I go any further, let me explain what is really happening. Do you remember the baggage that we talked about earlier, that you brought into the relationship? Well, you have opened it up and you are looking at it right now. Your partner’s actions or words only reminded you of the hurt that was already there.

Your partner’s actions and words only act as a catalyst for releasing what already existed within you. This is a very difficult concept to embrace when you are used to blaming your partner for your hurt. But you know that your way of dealing with your hurt is not working, so I strongly recommend that you open your mind to this other possibility, because it does offer you a solution.

Your hurt is yours. You have a choice not only to feel differently in response to the trigger from your partner, you also have a big opportunity to use that moment to redefine what is happening within you, with your partner, and what you partner’s intentions really are.

Start this process by being willing to let go of being right in your mind. So far, you have been sure of the dynamics of the relationship as you see it. Yet those dynamics, as understood by your mind, are only from within the frame of reference of your personal experiences to date. Every experience, every hurt that you have ever had are adversely influencing how you currently see and understand your partner.

Even in extreme situations a partner’s true intent is not to hurt you, but to protect themselves from further hurt by going on the defensive or offensive. Yes it is convoluted, no it is not right, but that is how most relationships have evolved. You keep unsuccessfully trying to protect yourself from hurt, yet it is only by working on a deep understanding of your partner and yourself that you can stop that pattern of hurt. If you can consider this possibility, there is hope for your relationship to grow and for you and your partner to grow closer together.

Redefining the Hurt for Smooth Sailing

Once you can acknowledge within yourself that the hurt you feel is yours and is occurring in this moment because it was triggered by your partner, you then have the ability to look at the situation differently. Whether you know it or not, you have made a series of assumptions that justified blaming your partner for your feelings of hurt.

Take a look at all the reasons where your mind goes, that confirm for you why you are feeling hurt. Write them down. Think about all the other times you have been in a similar situation with your partner. Write down the thoughts, feelings, and the emotions that you have had and are having now.

Go back through your list and cross off any item that does not reference your partner. For each item that is left, come up with different reasons why your partner may have chosen their words or actions, based on their fears and insecurities. The trick is to not make it personal to you. Keep yourself entirely out of the picture.

For example, you could say that your partner is afraid of being hurt, rejected, abandoned, judged, etc. You can also look at it from the perspective of your partner’s needs, that your partner has a need for approval, recognition, acceptance, love, etc. You can also look at it from the perspective of your partner’s insecurities and self-judgments, that they think they are unlovable, shameful, guilty, unworthy, inadequate, etc. Much of this can be subconscious in your partner and they may not be fully or even aware of it at all.

When you start to redefine the previously hurtful interaction in this way, you open the door to deeper understanding and compassion. You can use what you are observing and learning as a mirror for yourself as well. You start to see more clearly how you also act in defensiveness or offensiveness to compensate for your own needs, fears, and feelings of insecurity.

When you stop blaming and judging your partner and stop being so afraid, you leave room for your partner to stop blaming and judging you and to also stop being afraid. This results in more trust and compassion with each other, creating a safe place for both of you. This is the strong foundation that is missing in your relationship right now. Getting there requires patience and months, if not years, of work. Yet imagine having a relationship without fear and hurt. The effort is so worth getting there.

The Clear Skies of Communication

There are additional factors that need to be addressed along with redefining the old assumptions about your partner. In every relationship, there exists some fear about being completely honest in the relationship. You may choose not to speak up about something because you judge it as insignificant, that it will upset or bother your partner, etc. Or you may be afraid of your partner’s reaction, disapproval, getting into an argument or conflict, and so on.

Yet when you do not feel free to speak, then resentments start to build up and they join up with irrational thinking. Your mind tries to justify the resulting hurt by again placing blame on your partner for not listening, for not letting you speak, for making you afraid, for somehow controlling your behavior and stopping you from speaking.

The real issue is that you and your partner have not learned clear and effective communication. It is actually possible to communicate without conflict. It takes much effort to learn how to do this, but it can be done. You need to do a lot of work on yourself in order to stop reacting and start making different choices.

When we are unsure of ourselves, we are susceptible to feeling that we are under attack. Yet every person has the right to speak and every person listening to what is spoken has a right to do what they want to do with the information they hear. Conflict occurs when two people really are not listening to one another, making assumptions about the meanings, needing to prove something, and on some level feeling that they do not really have a right to believe in themselves.

A person who is sure of themselves does not need to prove anything to anyone. A confident person asks questions and does not make assumptions. They do not take offense to what somebody else says, even if it is about them. Another person’s opinion is only their point of view and not fact. A confident person understands this 100%.

If your partner says something negative about you or to you, what are your options? The automatic ones are to get angry, feel hurt, want to protect yourself, and sometimes retaliate. But that is not necessary when you understand that your partner is expressing their own internal conflict and that you only triggering it. If it weren’t you being the trigger, it would be somebody else. Your partner’s internal conflict has nothing to do with you personally.

Your option is to create healthy boundaries by speaking up without emotional reaction and to be able to communicate that to your partner. Yet in order to clearly communicate, you can’t be reacting. To get to this point, you essentially need to learn a whole new language. We assume that we are all good communicators, but we really are not. As long as you make a single assumption, you are not communicating anything but the fact that you are making assumptions and not fully understanding the situation.

Your relationship is worth saving, yet it is hard to do it on your own, especially when you don’t know how. Learning this new language of different communication takes time, persistence, practice, and commitment. Find somebody that can help you redefine your relationship and yourself. It will be worth it!

If you want to Take a Trip on the Real Relationship Ship or if you want help with any other issue, contact me to get The Help You Need. Right Here. Right Now.

Ewa Schwarz has been a counselor, life coach, healer and teacher for 20 years, having studied a wide range of mind-body healing practices. She owns and runsOnlineCounseling.org, the leading online counseling website with guaranteed results. Sign up for her free monthly personal growth Ezine, read one of the many archived articles, her Blog’s or free counseling’s that she provides to help everyone, whether they can afford counseling or not.

People and Things We Bring Into a Relationship: A Response to the Call

I have been reading WildChild’s blog post about this, and realized that I have brought a lot of baggage into my past relationships, especially this latest one, not to mention the ton of baggage that I was presented with as well.

I had been living in my past trying to live in the now. This, I believe have wrecked havoc not only to me as a person, but also to my previous BF.

I have lived a happy life while we were together, in close proximity or not, it was fulfilling, such that you couldn’t ask for more. But there were times when I would just stop and feel something is wrong, or a flashback would come bedazzling in front of my eye, teasing me to drift from the reality of the present and travel and see and feel how it was before – before I had my (ex)BF in my life. Then I would feel the pain again slowly gnawing the very essence of my being.

Issues of being raped repeatedly while married, being physically abused growing up, molested as a teen, deceived by another guy, my two kids who were taken away from me, being so vulnerable and helpless – all these baggages, not to include the day-to-day stress of living alone in a foreign land, dealing with difficult students and people in general – these are but some of the baggage I have dragged along with me when I was in this once loving relationship a couple of months ago.

I have seen this relationship slowly spiral into its pit, getting buried with my partner’s resentment as well as mine, of fear, of guilt and shame and of some other factors unnamed and unsaid.

He, too, had so much baggage he dragged alongside him and presented to me. Not as a gift, but both of us presented these as a curse, a curse that signaled our doom as a couple.

At first we thought we would be able to master it, we did at first, but until when? Well, it paid it’s toll, it ran it’s course – now it’s over.

I am yet to have another baggage to tag along. I want to lay it aside and start anew. I wouldn’t be able to totally unload these baggage for sure, but my goal now is to make this burden lighter, and make sure not to carry it with me once I get into a relationship.

For now, I need a friend. I had lost my two best friends in this course: my BF, and my girl friend (she got married). I am happy for both of them amidst the pain of their loss. I know it is not permanent, but I am only feeling what I have to feel right now.

This time is set for me to realize how much I am missing for myself – on my own. This time is set for me to contemplate about these baggage that I kept tagging along, which need to be dealt with now, whilst I would be miserable and would therefore turn yet another relationship unfulfilling.

I have seen how much it affected my (then) BF. It made him so concerned; gave him that unnecessary guilt and self-doubt, and so it did to me, too.

I hope to be able to set this tendency aside and get it out of my system. For no matter how wonderful the person I am with, I or he will not be happy, if baggage are kept dangling in a relationship. A clean slate, a clean soul, a clean heart and a sound mind – these are precious things I need to work on.

3.11.2009
Incapable of really relating

When others bring their baggage from a previous relationship into their relationship with us, we will likely get some additional baggage out of their “acting out” ourselves. A “chain of pain” gets created. We’re locked inside a hidden loop that insists that we will pass on this annoying incapability to really relate to another. In the process of handing a close encounter with others’ baggage, we cope with the mistreatment in ways that will replicate it in other relationships. We don’t realize this pattern is occurring. We’re not doing it intentionally or consciously. We feel like we’re possessed, damaged, or burdened by something in us we cannot change. When the urge comes over us to bring our baggage into a relationship, we’re handling the immediate opportunity irrationally.

The way to break this cycle, that I’ll explore in this post, conceptualizes what’s missing in the relationship. Applying a lens of competency assessment to the interactions reveals the ways people are depriving each other and themselves. Here’s a partial list of what gets handled incompetently by baggage brought into a relationship from a previous one:
When we’re really relating to someone, we give them “go messages” that tell them to discover what works in their world and experience. Our baggage gives others “stop messages” that tell them to submit to our presumed power over what they are thinking, feeling, seeing and choosing.
When we’re fascinated by other’s uniqueness, we naturally explore how they see things differently and come from a different place than ourselves. Our baggage is threatened by differences and pretends to agree on everything (except sacred cows) as it keeps conversations superficial, manipulative and exploitative.
When we’re relating to others, they get the feeling from us of being understood, respected and validated. Our baggage dishes out misunderstanding, disrespect and invalidation to keep others feeling small, intimidated and inferior.
When a relationship is working for us, we forgive others for what they did that may have hurt our feelings, set us back of bit or given us new questions about ourselves. Our baggage wants them to feel guilty for what they did to us and seeks revenge to show them who’s in control.
When we truly value a relationship, we give it room to breathe, space to grow and freedom to change on its own. Our baggage can only control others which as the effect of suffocating, confining and curtailing the so-called relationship.
When we’re benefiting immeasurably from a relationship, we naturally express gratitude and show appreciation to the other person. Our baggage is seething with resentment, frustration, disappointments and anger which erupts whenever we flip our lid.
When we’re confident in a relationship, we’re in the other’s corner and watching their back. Our baggage can only be insecure about a relationship and overcompensating by too much spending, talking, or time together.
The chain of pain can only persist when no one see it occurring. Once the pattern is recognized, a change is imminent. There’s nothing to attack because the problem is defined as “what’s missing” and what’s “not getting done”. The incompetence lens replaces the lens that identifies necessitated vengeance, intolerance and control. It becomes obvious the mistreatment received is not intentional, conscious or really relating. The baggage brought into the relationship from previous relationships is merely a chain of pain to be broken with this pattern recognition. Responding with no baggage to the onslaught of another’s baggage starts a new trend of really relating to each other. The end of perpetual incompetence begins by relating to the other’s baggage as incapable of either really relating or responding to overtures from someone else who is really relating.

Identifying Your Old Baggage in marriage

Those who have not done their personal homework regarding any leftover baggage from previous failed relationships are self-condemned to repeat one loss after another. One would think that their still being single after many years might indicate a need for an inner change. However, there are those who refuse to make those changes. Rather, they continue to superimpose their perceptions of what constitutes shortcomings in those who have been discarded on to others who come into their lives. It’s a lose-lose situation and, until they decide to finally get rid of their old baggage, they will continue to disappoint new loves who are truly good people.
Some of the more common montras oft repreated by those who have determined to wallow in their self-imposed singleness include…
I can’t find anyone whom I can trust.
Everyone lies to me.
I’ve never done anything wrong to these people.
I don’t need counseling.
It was their faults–not mine.
Everyone abuses me.
Why is it so hard to find a nice person?
How come no one cares about me?
Everyone always ends up doing me wrong.
It’s the old story of the person who claims that the whole world is crazy and they are the only sane person. When it’s everyone else’s fault and not our own, we are in trouble. So are the people who think that they want us in their lives.
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Everyone Has Old Baggage…
The fact of the matter is that all of us mess up with other people–especially those to whom we are closest. Anyone who refuses to accept their own culpibility, or even the slightest acceptance of being wrong at all from time to time, is clueless regarding what it takes to mature a relationship.
The bottom line is that when we fail those who love us best, a heartfelt apology and a willingness to make those necessary inner adjustments go a long way in rounding out and strengthening what two people share together. Conversely, leaving your mate with the understanding that they are always wrong, no matter what, has a way of eventually bringing a relationship to a definite conclusion–and usually with a “Thud!” as the door slams shut and we are left alone.
Men who are blind to their over controlling natures and self-centeredness will never experience reveling in a truly warm and loving relationship. Women who cannot get past their mistrust and tendency to build a list of perceived offenses will never know the joy of being loved and cherished by a good man.
Furthermore, there are few relationships where one of the parties is totally at fault when it fails.
Yes, he was a drunk. However, did he become an alcoholic because he is an idiot or did she place such constant pressure on him and nag him to the point where he turned to booze for relief? No one would argue that he was absolutely wrong to allow himself to give in to alcholism. Yet, anyone who effects another individual so negatively that they become more vulnerable to such things has to admit some culpibility.
Yes, she did run off with another man. Still, if the affair was based on sex only then there can be no doubt that the the title “adulterer” is a just one. On the other hand, if the affair was based on a real relationship where two people found each other on every level because their mates were not willing to do the same, then there is obviously enough blame to go around.
The natural tendency is to blame others.
This writer recalls those times when his children would sometimes place the blame on their siblings for something they did wrong just to avoid the consequences. Yet, mature adults should be expected to take responsibility for their own errors, especially where they impact those who love them best. The sad truth is that there are those who simply cannot see their own shortcomings. Like a horse wearing blinders, they only see the faults of others and are completely unable to see how they affected those faults by their own actions or inactions.
They just won’t grow up.
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How Does One Get Rid of Old Baggage?
1. Listen to Others: Stop twisting what others say to fit your own perceptions of why a relationship is struggling. Those who love you are trying to show you something that you are refusing to see, let alone accept and correct.
2. Recognize the Symptoms: If your relationships continue to sour and self-destruct; if good people seem to tire of you once they get to know you better; if you are still single after many years then, gosh, don’t you think it’s time to go look in the mirror?
3. Get Some Help: There are many self-help books that are available. Also, a good counselor can point out those areas where we need to reevaluate our attitudes and approaches to love relationships.
4. Forgive the Past: Instead of repeating the faults of those others time and time again, stop blaming them and begin identifying where you were at fault. Forgive them and take responsibility for whatever part you had in the failure of the relationship. If you can’t seem to do this, then go back and read the three preceding points again and again until you snap out of it.
The bottom line is that no one should enter into a primary relationship with someone who is still carrying their old baggage. Such relationships, if they can be called as much, simply do not last. They either turn very ugly or one person wisely walks away but no less hurt by the experience.
Idealistically, all those who are high risk relationship destroyers would be pre-qualified and then boycotted. No one would put up with their absolute refusal to excercise their own demons. They would be forced to turn to each other for human companionship, resulting in a mass canibalizing of each other’s souls. Instead of devistating the lives of good people, they would only be allowed to feed upon each
other.
However, in the real world, such people still manage to sucker others into their very confused and misconceived worlds. Only those who are wise enough to allow their better sense to take charge of their hearts will escape such people, thus, minimizing the emotional damage.
Perhaps this article will wake up some of those who are troubling others with their old baggage.
If not, maybe it will help those who are being victimized to recognize the danger signs and remove themselves from what is predestined to end up being a very desimating experience.

RELATIONSHIPS
How to Deal With Someone Who Has Lots of Baggage
Six essentials to handling your partner’s emotional baggage

By Caroline Presno, Ed.D., P.C.C.

We all carry it, but it seems that some people have more emotional baggage than others. What’s in the suitcases they’ve been lugging around? Ghosts of relationships past, old wounds that haven’t healed, and painful memories that keep resurfacing.
What do you do if you want to date or are already in a relationship with a person who is weighed down by emotional baggage? The following are ways that you can become a better baggage handler.
1. Open the Suitcases One at a Time
Our tendency when we are in a relationship is to want to know everything about that person all at once, right away. The problem is this can lead to pushing people to talk about sensitive things before they’re ready. Slow down and give them a chance to trust you and open up to you naturally. Once they start opening up, don’t push them to talk about every bad relationship they have ever been in or every painful childhood memory they ever had. It’s overwhelming and may cause the person to shut down completely.
2. Remember Not All Baggage Is Negative
Having emotional baggage means that you have been in relationships, loved and lost, and lived life. Only someone who lives in a bubble has nothing to carry. Help the person you care about see some of the positives that are also packed away. Maybe they were in an abusive relationship, but have come out a stronger person. Maybe they were in a loveless marriage, but have beautiful children from that relationship.
3. Be Accepting
If you are going to accept this person into your life, you are going to have to accept their baggage with them. This doesn’t mean that you have to condone and agree with every action. It means that you’re willing to see people for who they are and not judge them. No one can change the past, but you can make choices in the present. Are they making choices that you can accept in the present?
4. Learn From Mistakes
Help the person you are with to view mistakes as part of life and to learn from them. Do an exercise where both of you come up with life lessons you have learned from past missteps. Are there things you or your partner have done that you thought was a mistake at the time but actually turned out well?
5. Are They Using Baggage as an Excuse?
You want to be careful that you are not in a relationship with a person who is using baggage as an excuse not to commit to you. For example, if a man is divorced for 5 years, is he using the bad marriage as a reason not to be exclusive with you? The person you are in a relationship with needs to show you that he/she is working on issues and not justifying actions with the baggage excuse. Ask yourself these questions to determine if they are really working on things. Are they all words and no action? Have you seen progress? Have they sought individual counseling? Are they willing to go to couples counseling?
6. Don’t Forget About Your Own Stuff
Don’t get so lost in the other person’s issues that you stop working on yours. Take some time to think about feelings you have been carrying over from past relationships. Has being cheated on in the past made you more of a jealous person in the present? Because you have had several relationships end badly, do you now expect that every relationship you get into is doomed? Have you become bitter when bitter isn’t the real you? By dealing with your own baggage, you will be better prepared to deal with others.

The 10 Commandments Of Marriage: 6. Leave The Baggage At The Door
Don’t impose your pre-marital baggage on your new spouse.
BY LYNNE Z. GOLD-BIKIN

POLL
Do you have difficulty not letting previous relationships seep into your marriage?
Yes

No

Let’s face it. You’re all individuals with your own histories, feelings and responses. That means that each new relationship into which you enter will layer on new histories and feelings and, probably new responses. This “baggage” is something you carry around forever. And, of course, when you marry you bring all your baggage from past relationships to the new relationship. By baggage, I also mean past hurts, happiness and attitudes.

For example, you have developed ways of dealing with situations from your family of origin. If you are the youngest child in a family, perhaps you expect more attention from others than would a middle child. If you have come from a bad personal relationship, you may anticipate similar behavior from the new spouse that you received from the old one. A man whose former life partner did all the packing of suitcases for travel may assume that the new partner would have that responsibility. A woman raised only with sisters could use sarcasm as a way of dealing with problems rather than straight talk. All of these are examples of “baggage” from a prior life.

It is important that you recognize your new partner as an individual and not as a reincarnation of an old partner. It is also important that couples adapt to each other, rather than continuing to behave as they did in their prior relationships—be that intimate or family of origin relationships. If the assumptions and the actions from the past are brought to the new family, without adjustments for the new person, this couple can never get close or build a new future together.

You must learn to separate the new wife from the old, who dumped you or not look at the new husband as that ex-husband who cheated on you. All men and women are not alike and, hopefully, you have chosen better this time. All women are not like your mother who nurtured you or your ex-girlfriend who was a spendthrift. Assuming that you will receive the same response from your new spouse as you previously received from your ex-spouse is patently unfair. For example, tightening the purse strings in the new relationship because your former girlfriend ran up the credit cards, may destroy your marriage almost before it begins. Showing jealousy when your new husband talks to a female co-worker because your ex cheated on you is not a good way to start the new marriage. And, expecting to be the center of attention throughout the marriage, as you were in your mother’s home because you were the baby of the family, even after you become a new father is simply unrealistic.

The reality is a simple one. What we learn from our parents growing up shapes our entire lives, but that doesn’t mean you can’t adjust and change. As you grow older and mature, hopefully you adjust to new situations. But you must also see each new relationship with fresh eyes, not clouded by previous interactions. Realize that your new partner will have quirks of his or her own and welcome the differences of this very unique and new person in your life. Being open with love and trust with this partner, without superimposing another’s characteristics on him or her, is the only way to a healthier and more productive relationship.

Commandment 5. Don’t Expect Your Spouse To Be a Mind Reader
Commandment 4. Argue Constructively
Commandment 3. Make Dates With Your Spouse
Commandment 2. Communicate With Your Spouse
Commandment 1. Prioritize Your Partner Over Everything

How to Deal With a Spouse’s Previous Marriage

Whether you’re engaged or have already been married to that wonderful mate for several years, the idea of your spouse’s previous marriage can be hard to stomach — especially if the ex is on bad terms with both of you. This how-to is written to help people deal with their spouse’s past marriage.

Assess the situation. If everyone involved wants to try to get along (which is especially important if there are kids being shared), make an effort to be cooperative. Realise that your spouse’s former partner is a human being; if he/she is making an effort to treat you with respect, you should do the same. If you’re in a situation where the ex is being uncooperative or worse, accept that there’s nothing you can do except try to ignore him or her. The best way to combat immaturity is by ignoring it. If he or she doesn’t get a reaction, he/she is likely to give up.
Deal with the children. Don’t try to act like you’re their biological parent. They will grow closer with you in time; let them set the pace. Do not hold resentment against your spouse for having to pay child support (if this is the case). Realize that when you accept your spouse into your life, you accept all of his/her baggage as well. Learn to think of the child support as a bill that one of you aquired, but both of you accept and pay together — much like credit card balances aquired before your marriage.
Don’t dwell on the past. It’s likely that your spouse wants to move past the choices he/she made in the first place, so dwelling on it will never help.
Learn to be happy. Be grateful for the fact that you and your spouse found each other. Be glad that you are both happy. Don’t think of yourself as the “second wife” or the “third husband”. Numbers are only for the ones in the past — you are simply your spouse’s husband/wife, and he/she is yours. It’s as simple as that.

Dealing with a spouse’s previous marriage can be very difficult, especially if you came into the picture soon after (or perhaps during) the divorce. Try to be patient. Support your spouse — he/she likely needs it because a divorce (especially a messy one) is very stressful.
Difficult doesn’t even begin to describe the sacrifice what encompasses a person who has never been married or has children that comes with a partner who has a an ex. After 30 years of marriage to a person who had an ex, either I didn’t get it or he still doesn’t get it. Oh! there is a child who is involved although now a thirty something adult. Over the years you simply become burned out over the sharing of holidays, what to say and what not to say in front of the child. The ex doesn’t like what you serve for dinner. You tirer of waiting at home for your partner to return after every weekend sleep over of the child/children; tirer of his/her depression when the child/children can’t come over. So,if you are needy, and desire to matter first forget it, it ain’t gonna happen. My solution and you can probably can tell by now that I still habor pain, is to make sure you have self time. You are not, nor will you ever be a step parent, at best your are an in-law, and not neccessarily one who is appreciated in that role by your mate, his ex, his family, or his ex in-laws. Water and vinegar does not mixed, nor doesn’t the concept of extended or blended families. When the partner has to interact with the ex – get busy, that is your time to renew, rejuvenate, spa, sky-dying. Get with the girls book club, or the guys sport thing. Participate in the ex gatherings if invited, if you want to or not. Some of us can not handle baggage, and drama. Just remember you will never, never, be first.

What is intimacy in a relationship

Intimacy with another person is the:
* Unmasking of yourself in order to make yourself vulnerable in a trusting, loving, secure relationship.
* Sense that you have a special, unique and distinct bond joining you and another person.
* Sense of closeness, proximity and being “in tight.”
* Sense of oneness, unity and uniqueness.
* Sense of being exposed, undefended and fragile.
* Sharing of tenderness, caring and affection.
* Sharing of secrets, hidden tales and private thoughts.
* Free will offering and receiving of each others’ generosity, giving and sharing.
* Sense of being in a non-punitive, non-abusive and non-coercive environment.
* Mutual respect, recognition and approval of each other’s need to be a sexual being. In a marital relationship, this shared sexuality ultimately results in loving sexual intercourse.

How can you recognize intimacy in a relationship?

The following ten statements describe intimate relationships:
1. Continuous, honest communication and contact with one another exists even if the contact is not in person but is by phone, mail or some other form.
2. A mutual task to carry out at home, school or on a job is willingly shared, discussed and enjoyed together.
3. An affinity or attraction to one another exists to the exclusion of others.
4. The company of one another is sought even when you both have a wide selection of other individuals from which to choose.
5. A sixth sense, ESP or other extra perceptual facility develops with which you can communicate at a nonverbal level, with no need for words to clutter or detract from the communication.
6. A sense of humor, sense of play and casualness develops in which you enjoy “give and take” and are relaxed in each other’s company.
7. A protective sense of privacy and guardedness about your relationship exists; it is not subjected to public scrutiny, criticism or judgment.
8. The relationship is a productive enterprise resulting in mutual satisfaction, reward and reinforcement for each other.
9. The relationship has a purpose, direction and order to it that is reasonable, realistic and healthy for both of you.
10. A firm commitment, agreement or contract exists with each other to be mutually supportive, understanding and accepting of one another.

Obstacles to establishing intimacy in a relationship.

The following behavior patterns or feelings are barriers to establishing healthy intimacy in a relationship:
* Inability to develop trust in one another
* Chronic sense of insecurity
* Fear of failure
* Fear of being vulnerable to being hurt or subjected to pain
* Inability to take a risk
* Inability to let go of hurts and fears from previous relationships
* Lack of role models for healthy intimacy
* Inability to recognize or accept one’s own problem in handling intimacy
* Inability to control the impact of anger, hostility or resentment in the relationship
* Fear of losing the other in death or some other calamity
* Fear of being successful in the attainment of intimacy
* Inability to accept one’s own responsibility in developing intimacy in the relationship
* Inability to handle conflict within the relationship
* Poor problem solving between the partners
* Fear of loss of approval; fear of rejection
* Chronic defensiveness
* Over aggressiveness or passivity between the parties
* Power struggles between the parties for control of the relationship
* Competition between the parties
* Poor communication
* Blaming each other for problems in the relationship
* Fear of being too exposed or being found out for whom you “really are”
* Fear of claustrophobia or being smothered in the relationship
* Desire to be left alone, isolated and ignored
* Mental or physical health problems that impede the relationship’s growth
* Fear that the relationship will become sexual in nature (especially if the parties are not married)
* Fear of loss of identity
* Inability to show affection, tenderness or caring
* Inability to be open, honest and forthright
* Being in denial about needing help

If the parties are married or are sexual partners, other obstacles include:
* Fear of sexual intercourse
* Fear of impotency, premature ejaculation or no ejaculation
* Physically based sexual problems
* Lack of candor, openness or honesty concerning sexuality
* Unwillingness to be creative, explorative or imaginative sexually
* Embarrassment with one another in the sexual arena
* Poor body image and discomfort with nudity
* Hangups due to moral, religious or value beliefs
* Lack of appropriate education regarding sexuality
* Unwillingness to establish a healing environment

Negative consequences inability to handle intimacy .
If a person has a problem securing, establishing or maintaining intimacy in a relationship (in or out of marriage) that person is most likely going to feel unwanted, pessimistic about the future, uncared for, depressed, undesirable, anxious over personal performance, lonely, inadequate, isolated, confused about sexual identity or adequacy, abandoned, not “good enough,” rejected, unloved, unattractive, unwilling to get involved, angry, resentful or hostile

Beliefs which prevent establishing intimacy.

* If I open myself up to another person, I am bound to get hurt and/or taken advantage of.
* People with whom I have been involved with in the past have abused, neglected and mistreated me. How can I expect it to be different in the future?
* People have said to me “I love you” and “I hate you”‘ in the same breath. I get so confused. How can I ever believe anyone?
* If you open yourself up to trust someone, they will always take advantage of you.
* I am a worthless, useless piece of junk. How could anyone ever care about me?
* You are a slut, a whore or a pig if you delight in sexual escapades with your husband.
* You are a failure as a man and a husband if you ever fail to satisfy your wife sexually.
* A women’s role is to be subservient to men in all respects.
* All men are out to rape or violate you.
* All women are out to seduce, grab or chain you into a “jail” called marriage.
* It is impossible to have a close friend of the opposite sex without the relationship becoming sexual in nature.
* Married men and married women should never seek out friendships with married or single people of the opposite sex. It doesn’t look good and people will never understand.
* People who have close friendships in which they exchange signs of physical affection (like hugging and kissing) with partners of the same sex must be homosexual.
* It is a feminine trait to be openly affectionate with another.
* No one can keep a secret, so keep your personal business to yourself.
* Intimacy always means sexuality and sexuality always means sexual intercourse.
* It is impossible for men (or women) to remain faithful in a relationship.
* Never get close to the people you work with!
* Whenever you open yourself up to intimacy, you are bound to lose your friend through death or some other form of disaster.
* I can take care of myself just fine. I don’t need anyone else to clutter up my life.

Behavior traits needed to handle healthy intimacy in a relationship.

In order to secure, establish and maintain healthy intimacy in a relationship, you must:
* Develop self-confidence in your ability to handle a relationship.
* Believe in your self-worth, your goodness and abilities.
* Let go of your fears.
* Open yourself up to trust in the goodness of others.
* Accept your body and body image.
* Learn to take a chance, take a risk.
* Have knowledge of the required attributes of a healthy relationship.
* Resolve feelings about past hurts, pains and failures.
* Handle disagreements, conflicts or fights.
* Forgive and forget past hurts.
* Work out anger, resentment and hostility over the past.
* Work out blocking irrational beliefs about relationships.
* Maintain mutual assertiveness in the relationship.
* Problem solve, make decisions and execute plans to correct, rectify and enhance the relationship.
* Reduce competition and the struggle for power and control in the relationship.
* Loosen up and show signs of physical affection and love to others.
* Improve communication to an open, honest and productive level.
* Address the sexual issues in the relationship.
* Recognize the need for professional help and obtain such assistance.
* Work out hangups, resistance and objections to healthy, normal sexual relationship with your partner.

Steps to improve intimacy in a relationship.

Step 1: Before you can improve the level of intimacy in a relationship, you need to identify those with whom you already have an intimate relationship and those with whom you desire to develop a relationship. Answer the following questions in your journal:

a. In reviewing the ten statements which describe an intimate relationship, identify which people in your current life you (1) have an intimate relationship with at home, on the job, at school or in the community, and (2) have the desire to establish an intimate relationship with (but to this point have been unable to do so).
b. For each of the persons identified above, review the obstacles to establishing intimacy, and identify the obstacles present that impede the intimacy between you and each person.
c. For each of the persons identified, review the negative consequences. Identify those negative consequences present due to the lack of intimacy you have with each person.

Step 2: Once you have identified the persons with whom you have intimacy problems and those with whom you desire to be intimate, identify those beliefs blocking your growth in intimacy with each of the people. Develop a replacement belief for each of the irrational ones.

Step 3: Once you have developed the replacement beliefs, identify those behavior traits you need to develop to correct your intimacy problems. To do this, review the behavior traits; list them in your journal.

Step 4: Now that you know you have problems in intimacy that need correcting, review the Tools for Coping Series tools and identify the ones that will be useful in correcting your intimacy problems.

Step 5: To help you overcome problems or enrich your intimacy with a person, try one or both of the following activities with the person:

Activity 1: Secret Telling Game

Directions: With a person who is in an intimate relationship with you, sit back to back on the floor with backs touching. You are to alternate turns.

First: You share a secret you have been told by the other. In telling your partner the secret, relate when it was told to you, how you felt and reacted once you were given the secret, and how well you have kept the secret to yourself. Each of you shares secrets with one another until you have exhausted the secrets shared between you two.

Second: Face each other knee to knee while sitting on the floor and discuss the following questions:
1. How confidential have we kept each other’s secrets?
2. How freely have we shared our secrets with one another?
3. What hinders our ability to share secrets in this relationship?
4. What can we do to improve that sharing of secrets in this relationship?
5. How comfortable were we sitting back to back in this exercise? What made us nervous?
6. How comfortable are we sitting face to face, knee to knee discussing this activity?
7. Why is sharing secrets so important in establishing intimacy in a relationship?
8. How have our past lives affected our ability to share secrets in a relationship?
9. What other areas of our relationship do we need to address in order to improve our level of intimacy?
10. What are we willing to do for each other to encourage mutual growth and intimacy?

Activity 2: Draw a Person Game

Directions: With a person who is in an intimate relationship with you, sit back to back on the floor.

First: Each of you should have a big sheet of clean paper and crayons. While sitting in that position each of you is to draw a full body picture of the other person. Be as true to life in the picture as possible. Make it a front view of the person standing up. Be very exact in all details in drawing the body parts, face, eyes, mouth, etc.

Second: Once the pictures are completed, you are ready to take turns describing the pictures to each other. Face each other sitting knee to knee on the floor. In sharing your descriptions, discuss the following:
1. Why I think you look this way.
2. How I see you in comparison to me.
3. What parts of your face and body are attractive or appealing to others.
4. Why you are an appealing and attractive person to me.
5. What I would change on your body if I could.

Third: Once each of you has shared your pictures with these descriptions, discuss the following questions and record your responses in your journal:
1. How comfortable was I when you described my body in such intimate detail?
2. How accurately did we picture and describe one another?
3. How open and willing were we to listen and accept the descriptions of our bodies?
4. What did this exercise tell us about each other’s body image?
5. How important is body image to intimacy in a relationship?
6. How comfortable are we with our bodies touching during this exercise?
7. Were we anxious in doing this exercise? Why?
8. What does each of us need to change concerning our personal body image?
9. What are we willing to do to help the other with body image?
10. What did this activity tell us about the level of intimacy in our relationship?
If you still have problems developing intimacy with specific people, return to Step 1 and begin again.

Passion In Marriage:
7 Questions And Answers

by Dr. Michael Tobin

I.
Question: What are the key forces that impact passion in a marriage?

Answer: In my experience, the major variables affecting marital passion are a sense of wonder and newness, coupled with a strong desire to please the other. One of the reasons that a new relationship or an affair is often so exciting, is that the couple wants to bring pleasure to each another which stimulates creativity and excitement.

The challenge in marriage is to keep the relationship fresh. A phenomenon that we marital therapists see more and more is the marital brother/sister relationship. A couple falls into a comfortable pattern in which their sexual relationship begins to take a back seat. In marriage, you have to ignite passion. It doesn’t keep burning on a low flame. A couple needs to make their sexual relationship a high priority. For the busy two career couple, it may mean scheduling time for their sexual relationship. When it comes to sexual relationships we often operate on the misconception that passion is something that just naturally happens. It’s not so. Good sex, like career success, demands commitment, creativity and practice. Too many of us will settle for a less than satisfying sexual relationship or find quick solutions like an affair to break the monotony.

II.
Question: Does the length of the relationship matter?

Answer: The longer the relationship the greater the risk the couple will slip into bad habits. Too many men forget how to romance their wives. A man who treats his wife like a girlfriend is a man who will have a lover for a wife. Passion is not a given. It has to be cultivated and nurtured. It takes skill and knowledge. To develop that skill a couple needs to make the commitment to learn from one another and to discover what is pleasurable. A back rub for one woman may be more sexually satisfying than direct genital stimulation.

During the courting stage of a relationship the focus is on one another. This is enormously satisfying. Who doesn’t want such attention? However, once the relationship becomes institutionalized, attention too often shifts to competing interests like friends, work, hobbies and children. It then becomes a major challenge to keep the marriage alive.

III.
Question: Is passion in marriage influenced by whether or not you have kids?

Answer: Children can be a cause of reduced passion in marriage. Often the husband feels his wife’s affection shifting from him to the children. He now has to share center stage with a screaming baby who before-you-know-it becomes a demanding teenager. Kids can wear you out (I know. I have four of them) and nothing kills passion like exhaustion.

I often recommend that couples take time out from parenting and pay attention to the marriage. A weekend away from the kids can do wonders for the marriage and will most likely improve their ability to parent.

THE GREATEST GIFT WE CAN GIVE OUR CHILDREN IS A HAPPY MARRIAGE. It’s as important to work on creating a loving, passionate marriage as it is to learn new parenting techniques.

IV.
Question: Is the passion between a couple affected by their stress level at home or at work?

Answer: Most definitely. Whether the stress is external, i.e., work related, or internal, i.e., marital or parental, it will definitely affect marital passion.

Let’s face it. By the time most of us have put the kids to bed, cleaned the kitchen, paid the bills, returned the phone calls and watered the plants, the only thing we feel passionate about is sleep. At best, we engage in obligatory, unsatisfactory sexual contact. More likely, nothing at all – a rather gloomy picture of marital life.

So what’s the answer?

Try a bit of common sense, a healthy dose of understanding and a genuine desire to give.

First, it’s important for both partners to have reasonable expectations. You can’t ignite passion with a flick of a switch, and passion rarely accompanies each and every sexual encounter. Marital passion doesn’t burst forth on demand. It doesn’t come because you want it. It’s what happens when there is a genuine desire to give to one another.

PEOPLE WHO FEEL LOVED RESPOND WITH LOVE. One who is willing to give his or her more exhausted or stressed out partner a massage or some other form of loving, non-sexual contact will be storing up passion points for that quiet Sunday morning when the kids are gone, the dishes are done and the pressure is off.

In a truly loving marriage there are many days of exhaustion sandwiched between moments of genuine intimacy and passion. Those moments of passion are the result of the understanding, commitment and warmth that sustain a loving couple through the demanding obligations of a shared life.

So if you are looking for genuine passion in your marriage, you won’t find it in a sex manual. It’s the gift that comes from real love. It’s the interest you earn from giving. Focus on being other-centered and your marriage will be a lifetime love affair.

V.
Question: To what extent do personality and one’s innate affection level affect passion in marriage?

Answer: I hold by the adage that good lovers, like good leaders, are made– not born. I doubt we can all reach the skill and passion of a Don Juan De Marco unless of course we, like Don Juan, devote our whole life to pursuing the ultimate sexual experience. Nevertheless, we can create passion. Success in bed is achieved as a result of an open mind, a willingness to learn, a loving feeling toward your partner and a desire to give.

I want to say more about the desire to give. Learning to be other centered is, in my opinion, one of the most significant factors in creating a successful marriage – in bed or out. Too often, we focus only on our needs, our desires and our pleasure and forget about the other.

If we could turn the focus of our attention from ourselves to our partner, our relationship, in general, and our sexual relationship, in particular, would vastly improve.

VI.
Question: Is it a given that passion declines over time?

Answer: It’s not a given, but it often happens. Of course, there are physical factors to contend with. A 60-year-old doesn’t have the stamina of a 20-year-old. However, a wise 60-year-old can compensate for his or her decreased energy with experience. The most powerful sexual organ is the head, not the genitals. A smart and loving mind can fire up an old body. I know a number of elderly folks who have a twinkle in their eye for more than just their grandchildren.

It is important to understand that passion is not merely explosive sexual fireworks. It is also the sexual warmth that is generated by a couple who have learned how to love. Their passion emerges within an atmosphere of understanding, acceptance and respect. The most important way to maintain lifelong sexual satisfaction is to constantly work on improving marital communication. Learning how to listen, to accept and to forgive are essential qualities in maintaining a passionate marriage.

VII.
Question: Is there anything we can do to increase the passion during those times when it seems to take a nose-dive?

Answer: Recognizing that passion has taken a downward turn is the first step toward correcting it. A couple that is committed to maintaining a quality relationship will monitor it carefully. They will discuss their declining passion and will seek ways to restore aliveness and pleasure. This is a marriage that is in a constant state of creation.

I am fond of telling people that love is a verb not a noun. Love doesn’t just happen. You don’t “trip” into love and you don’t “fall” into love. Real love and passion is something that two people must work at together.

A good sexual relationship is nothing more than good communication. To communicate, first and foremost, you need to know how to listen. To listen you have to get out of your own way. You need to empty your head of your arguments, preconceived notions, expectations and opinions and then be open with your entire being to what the other is communicating.

No small task.

Good sex is a function of learning how to listen. Many of us carry a great deal of baggage into our bedrooms. That baggage might be parental or religious do’s and don’ts or some image based on grade Z movies about how a great lover is supposed to perform. While he is worrying about duplicating the sexual gymnastics of some mythical Hollywood lover, she is feeling abandoned.

Both men and women need to let go of trying to prove themselves to one another and learn to satisfy one another. When they achieve that goal, their reward will be a passionate and loving relationship.