Breaking the Cycle of Domestic Violence

Partner Violence Warning Signs and Helping a Friend in Need

Mar 28, 2010 Jessica Guberman

It is painful to watch a friend who is part of an abusive relationship. Learn the warning signs and how to reach out. There are things that can be done to help.

One in four women has experienced domestic violence in her lifetime. Women account for 85% of partner violence and men account for 15% according to the Domestic Violence Resource Center. As a friend of someone who is in an abusive relationship, it may be difficult to know what to say, how to say it or even continue to be a part of that person’s life because it is too painful to be a part of. As a friend, there are certain things that can be said and done that could help.

Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship

There are many warning signs that exist when someone is in an abusive relationship. Some of these signs may be more apparent than others, however, it is important to note that partner violence is not just physical, it can be emotional and sexual as well.

Michigan State University has the only domestic violence shelter and support program that is affiliated with a university in the United States and it is called Safe Place. Safe Place identifies warning signs that someone you know may be in an abusive relationships as the following:

• Injuries and Excuses
• Absences from Work or School
• Low Self-Esteem
• Accusations of Having an Affair
• Personality Changes
• Fear of Conflict
• Self-Blame
• Aggressive or Care-Taking Behavior in Children

As a friend, it is likely to question why the person can’t just leave the relationship. Leaving the relationship could also be a very dangerous time for the person so it is imperative that if a dialogue begins about how to leave the abusive relationship, a safety plan is developed. As a friend, helping to develop a safety plan could be the most important help that is offered.

One of the most important resources to develop a safety plan is to get in contact with a local domestic violence shelter or the National Domestic Violence Hotline. These professionals assist in the development of a safety plan for the person being abused as well as any children that may be involved.

Reaching out to a Friend in an Abusive Relationship

In an interview with Suite101, Catherine Hassinger, the Executive Director of Bethany House of Northern Virginia, Inc. says, “One of the most important things we can do to help someone we think is in an abusive relationship is to be a listening and non-judgmental ear. You cannot know what her life is really like until you listen, and you cannot force her to leave. The decision has to be hers, or it won’t “stick.”

Hassinger offers the following that can be helpful when reaching out to a friend in an abusive relationship:

• Listen without judging, express concerns
• Help to recognize abuse is more than physical it can also be emotional, verbal or sexual)
• Help them to see they are not to blame for the violence
• Help to develop a safety plan
• Make it clear to that violence is not acceptable
• Assist in getting legal or other types of protection
• Ask, “What can I do to help you?”

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Every girl dreams of a perfect romance, but what should you do when it becomes a violent and terrifying nightmare?

I hate thinking about the lonely, pathetic person I became when I was with Dave, but I’ll tell my story to help other women avoid going through what I did. Before I met him, I was confident and outgoing.

We met at a party. I was studying psychology as a mature age student in Bristol. I was 28, he was 10 years older, which always made him seem more like the boss. For the first few months we were together, I felt madly in love.

He was in the army, a special unit near Hereford. He was very good looking, superfit. He travelled a lot and hinted that his work was dangerous and secretive. I found him really sexy. He had this strong body and intense eyes. He made the other men I’d been out with seem like little boys.

At first we had fun. When he was off duty, he’d take me up to the Brecon Beacons, we’d walk for miles, have pub lunches, then go back to a B&B and have sex. He was commanding in bed and, at first, I hate to admit this now, it seemed sexy. The odd smack on the bum, or he’d hold me down in bed and make it feel threatening, then he’d kiss me tenderly afterwards.

But I overlooked some weird stuff. We’d be driving in the car and he’d say, ‘unbutton your blouse and take it off,’ then he’d touch me quite roughly. One day when I said, ‘ouch! That hurts,’ he stopped the car, slapped my face and told me he’d touch me any way he wanted. It’s horrible to think that I didn’t jump out of the car there and then and tell him to bugger off, but I didn’t. I burst into tears and cried hysterically. I probably even apologised. How sick is that? And then he told me he was sorry too, he’d been working hard, that he loved me, and he was frightened of losing me. It was the first time he told me he loved me, and it seemed so intense. Not long after that we got engaged.

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Read more: Real life stories of domestic violence

Domestic Violence Personal Stories

My name is Linda and I started having a bad life at 18. I met what I thought was a wonderful man. He was one of my bosses from work. He was so kind to me at fist. We would spend lovely times together just having fun. I seemed important to him; at least I thought I was.

After we were dating for about 2.5 months I found out I was pregnant and I wanted no more children. I already had a son and I was too young for him but another would have been havoc. So I told Joe that I wanted to terminate the pregnancy and that is when it all started.

He kept me home and fired me from my job. For the 1st time he hit me right across the face because I said I was leaving him. He dragged me into the dept. store and said we are going shopping so stop crying like a baby. He acted like it was nothing and I knew it was wrong but I did as I was told. I was 18 and he was 31. I thought an older man would be better for me but I was wrong!

The hitting became beatings almost every day. Even though I was pregnant, he did not care. He said, “If you were a good girl I wouldn’t have to discipline you so much.” I hated hearing that. Be a good girl- that was screwed up ya’ know?

I had my daughter and I thought it would help us but it didn’t. It just meant that I was stuck with him. The black eyes and busted lips and bruised body was all I knew and he was taking my heart too. I was no longer living near my parents and I was forbidden to have friends or should I say a life?

Two years later I became pregnant and I was not at all happy with that. But of course I had to stay pregnant. It cooled him down a little and he always said he was sorry. I hated my life and I wanted it to end but I had children whom I loved and I couldn’t leave them. That is what keeps me alive. I tried to get help from my dad but he said THAT I MADE MY BED NOW – lay in it!! That hurt so much because I thought daddies were there to help when you needed them most.

My father was angry with me because I had children and he said it was my fault I put myself in that type of position. My mom couldn’t even help me she could barely take care of herself. So as my pregnancy progressed he was a little nicer to me- we had twins now. That was the worse news to me. I kept thinking how am I going to leave with 4 kids.

I paid for a tubal ligation so I couldn’t have any more children with him. I started saving a dollar here and a dollar there so I could escape my hell with my children. I remember one day that I told him I hated him with every bone in my body. He hit me so hard I went flying at least 10 feet across the bed and onto the floor. Blood dripping from my mouth, I just smiled and said, “Are you done?” I was so tired of him hitting me and controlling me as a person that I had had enough!

He started hitting me some more and I didn’t back down. He finally walked away. The days went by and I would get hit because I didn’t vacuum first then dust. The house was not clean enough or there was a fork in the sink I would get slapped again. He made excuses to hit me. So I bided my time till I could leave.

A few years later I was going to be gone within a few months then I found out I was pregnant again. I was floored because I paid to be fixed. Well I was that 1% that could get pregnant. So I stayed until my last child was 1 and a 1/2 and I packed my things and left.

I left the children behind because I couldn’t care for 5 children. I took the oldest child with me because he was mine and not his. I became a stripper to care for my son and we did fine and I thought I would finally be free of violence. I loved my new life of no more long sleeved shirts or pants to cover the bruises.

Then I met James and he swore he would never hit me and he didn’t for 1 1/2 years. Then one day I was out riding my bike and I pulled into the front yard and he was yelling and all of a sudden I fell down. He had hit me in the face so hard I had lost my balance. I still do not know why he hit me that day he never told me.

I stayed with him for a few more months hoping it was a mistake and it would never happen again. But I was wrong again. I let him move in with me in hopes of a good relationship. It did not last long.

One night I went out with my friends like I always did on Fridays and when I got home he yelled and screamed at me for being out while he was working. I basically told him he needed to leave because it was not working out then he hit me across the face a couple of times. I got up and ran for the phone to call for help. He pulled it out of the wall. He kept saying why are you making me do this to you? He grabbed my hair and was dragging me into the bedroom and I knew what that meant from experience I began to scream for help.

My son heard me and I hollered to him to get the neighbors and he did. He saved my life. James was arrested and given 1.5 years and no contact. I moved after that. We were over and I was over with men at least I thought I was.

Then one day my friend introduced me to a handsome sweet intelligent man and I fell for him hard. I was tired of being put down and bruised but my girlfriend assured me that he was good. She lied! He was worse than the other two put together. It was pure hell and I didn’t realize what pain really was till I was with Jeff. He hit me every day even if he woke up in a good mood. I hated life and everyone in it. I thought that this is how my life was meant to be so I stayed for 6.5 years till I couldn’t take it no more.

He would call my job all of the time and make me bring home a register receipt to prove what time I left. He held a gun to my head and said, If you want to die, let’s do it.” He would hit me in the face all of the time. Everyone at my job knew he was mean but no one would help me. Finally after he broke my windshield for the 3rd time I left and moved 20 minutes away and transferred to another store. He found me once again.

He called us all hours of the night yelling nasty things to myself and my roommate. He threatened her a lot and finally after 6 months of calls I finally agreed to see him in hopes of it being the last time. I was hoping that he had realized that after 6.5 years of hate he would finally end it and be civil. I wanted him to go on with his life so I could without him. I wanted to stop looking over my shoulder and my dreams would stop keeping me up at night. I wanted sleep again. I wanted to smile again. I wanted to be ME again.

He invited me to his birthday party so I figured I would be safe. I was so tired from working 18 hours straight but I made it to the party and there was other people there so I was ok with it. He was drinking and taking Librium pills the next door neighbor got him. I should have known to leave but I didn’t.

I fell asleep on the couch and I awakened to him standing over me just looking at me in a confused look. I asked him what he was doing and he grabbed my throat and said, “you think you can just walk away from me. No you can’t.” I froze for a moment because I had this strange feeling rush over me and I can’t completely describe it but it was scary. I knew then if I didn’t get away from him I would die! I knew it and I didn’t know how but I was terrified beyond belief. I pushed him off and ran for the door. He got up and chased me and it started a fight because I was determined to win this one. He grabbed my hair and pulled and yanked it hurt so bad that I could barely stand the pain. I wrapped my arms around the railing of the outside steps and held on for life. My arms began to bleed from scraping the wood rail back and forth but I held on.

He finally got me loose and I fell to the top step with my face down hoping to pass out. I knew I had to stay alive and that meant staying awake. He grabbed my head and began pounding it into the top step. It hurt and all I could do was cry and fight back. I saw blood dripping onto the step and I knew I had to be bleeding from my face now. It was a mess all over the steps. He yanked me up and I dropped to the steps again and he kept telling me to get up and get inside and I kept yelling for help. No one listened. He grabbed my hair and dragged me inside and I grabbed the doorway in hopes of tiring him out because I was tired. I dug my nails into the wood frame around the door making my fingers bleed and nails breaking from the pressure I could no longer hold on. I was now inside and he picked me up and threw me up against the wall calmly talking to me saying that we were soul mates and we had to be together. He said that our lives, especially his, was not going to be wasted by me. I owed him and I say I owed him nothing! We fought some more hitting each other profusely not taking a breath. I pushed him away and he fell over the end table he looked up and then unscrewed the table and came at me again and caught me right across the nose. I felt dizzy and out of it.

I remember saying to myself if there is a God, please help me. I will never doubt Your existence again. I never believed in God until that night. Jeff kept hitting me and made me walk the house with him. Finally I had him convinced that we would marry tomorrow. He stopped. He brought me into the kitchen to wipe my face off because he said I was a mess. He told me to go shower and change into some of his pajamas and we would watch our favorite movie. I agreed. I rushed upstairs and got into the shower and cried so hard it hurt. I looked down at the water and it was red all red. That’s all I could see and I cried even more. My face hurt so much that I couldn’t bring myself to look at it. I got out of the shower and dried off quickly and ran down stairs. He laid on the couch babbling about how I made him do that to me. He made me make a promise to be good and to marry him. I was to obey him forever and we would never be apart again.

I waited for him to fall asleep. It was midnight so that meant we had been fighting for 1 hour. I was so tired and dizzy but all I could think of was getting out. I waited for him to snore so I would know he was asleep. I went to the back door and unlocked the first lock 2 more to go. I waited a little while longer and opened another then another then I ran out the door as quickly as I could run. I ran down the steps and didn’t look back. My feet were bleeding from running down the rocky driveway. All I could think was getting help.

I ran across the street to a neighbor’s house it was 3:30 in the morning. I tapped on his window and begged for him to let me in. He opened the door and let me in we called the police and it was now over for me and him. I thank the Davidson county police of Tennessee for all their help. I get to live again. I am now 36 years older and am finally happy. I forgot what it was like to breathe on my own again. I haven’t seen Jeff in 3 years and I keep track of him. He is still in jail and I have found someone who is the best thing in my life besides my children. 3 times is a charm – no the 4th is!!!!

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Are you a Victim of Domestic Violence?

1. Is your partner threatening or violent towards you or the children?2. Do you find yourself making excuses or minimizing your partner’s behavior?

3. Do you feel completely controlled by your partner?

4. Do you feel helpless, trapped, alone, and isolated?

5. Do you blame yourself for the violence?

6. Does your partner blame you and tell you that you are the cause of all his problems?

7. Do you blame the violence on stress, on drugs/alcohol, or a bad childhood?

8. Does your partner constantly accuse you of having affairs when he can’t account for 100% of your time? Does he tell you jealousy is a sign of love?

9. Do you fear going home?

10. Are you limited in your freedom like a child? (Go to the store and come straight home. It should take you 15 minutes.)

11. Do you find yourself lying to hide your partner’s real behavior (for example, saying you fell down the stairs when actually you were pushed)?

12. Are you embarrassed or humiliated by your partner in an effort to control your behavior, especially in public?

13. Does your partner abandon you, leave you places, or lock you out?

14. Does your partner hide your keys, mail, or other important papers?

Progression of Domestic Violence

PHASE 1: Pre-battering violence: verbal abuse, hitting objects, throwing objects, breaking objects, and making threats; increased tension, anger, blaming and arguing. When abusers hit or break objects or make threats, almost 100% resort to battering.

PHASE 2: Beginning levels: pushing, grabbing, restraining.

PHASE 3: Moderate levels : slapping, pinching, kicking, pulling hair.

PHASE 4: Severe levels : hitting, choking, beating with objects, use of weapons, and rape by intimidation, threat or force.

PHASE 5: Calm Stage: Abuser may deny or rationalize the violence, apologizing or promising not to repeat the abuse.(may decrease over time)

The progression of domestic violence may alternate from tension building, where the victim is walking on eggshells to avoid abuse, to the apologetic and remorseful abuser after a violent incident has taken place. Each relationship is different.

Sweet Baby Syndrome (How he gets to come back)

1. Honeymoon Syndrome : any bribe that will get her to return to him. (also known as “Hearts and Flowers”)

2. Super Dad Syndrome : he tells her that he will be a great dad if she returns. This works especially if he has neglected the kids in the past.

3. Revival Syndrome : this is not really a valid revival or salvation since he has probably only gone to church only a few times. “I have been going to church every Sunday since you left.” I have accepted Christ into my life.” He puts the responsibility for his battering on God.

4. Sobriety Syndrome : “If he can stop drinking he will stop beating me” Drinking does not cause beating–if it did, then they would beat strangers on the street.

5. Counseling Syndrome : “I have gone to counseling, I won’t do it anymore.” Long term counseling is needed and less than 1% voluntarily go into counseling.

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Who Are The Victims?

ANYONE CAN BE A VICTIM! Victims can be of any age, sex, race, culture, religion, education, employment or marital status. Although both men and women can be abused, most victims are women. Children in homes where there is domestic violence are more likely to be abused and/or neglected. Most children in these homes know about the violence. Even if a child is not physically harmed, they may have emotional and behavior problems.

Since abuse can happen to anyone, people can have special concerns. All resources listed in this book understand your special concerns. They will listen to you and treat you with respect.

If you are a person of color …

You may be afraid of prejudice. You may be afraid of being blamed for going out of your community for help.

If you are a lesbian, gay, or transgendered person …

You may be afraid of having people know about your sexual orientation.

If you are physically or mentally challenged or elderly …

You may depend on your abuser to care for you. You may not have other people to help you.

If you are a male victim of abuse …

You may be ashamed and scared that no one will believe you.

If you are from another country …

You may be afraid of being deported.

If your religion makes it hard to get help …

You may feel like you have to stay and not break up the family.

If you are a teen …

You could be a victim of abuse, or at risk if you are dating someone who:

• is very jealous and/or spies on you
• will not let you break off the relationship
• hurts you in any way, is violent, or brags about hurting other people
• puts you down or makes you feel bad
• forces you to have sex or makes you afraid to say no to sex
• abuses drugs or alcohol; pressures you to use drugs or alcohol
• has a history of bad relationships and blames it on others

It is hard for teens to leave their abuser if they go to the same school. They cannot hide. Gay and lesbian teens are very isolated. They can be scared they may have to reveal their sexual orientation.

If you think you are being abused, think about getting help. If your family or friends warn you about the person you are dating, think about getting help. Tell friends, family members or anybody you can trust. Call a resource listed in this book. There is help for you. You do not have to suffer in silence.

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13 tips if you are a victim of domestic violence in the West

Of women who reported being raped and/or physically assaulted since the age of 18, three quarters (76 percent) were victimized by a current or former husband, cohabitating partner, date or boyfriend. — (Prevalence Incidence, and Consequences of Violence Against Women: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey, U.S. Department of Justice, November, 1998.)

Estimates range from 960,000 incidents of violence against a current or former spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend per year to 4 million women who are physically abused by their husbands or live-in partners per year. — (Violence by Intimates: Analysis of Data on Crimes by Current or Former Spouses, Boyfriends, and Girlfriends, U.S. Department of Justice, March, 1998.)

*****

By Sound Vision Staffwriter

If you are a victim of domestic violence, you must take action. You must get help. You are not alone. The statistics above should make that very clear.

Here are some practical things you can do to help end the nightmare for you and your family.

1. Know what the signs of being a victim of abuse are

You are a victim of domestic violence and/or abuse if you answer yes to these questions:

1. Does your spouse regularly find fault with you or tell you are worthless?

2. Does he refuse to let you have friends?

3. Does he keep you from seeing your family?

4. Does he stop you from leaving the house without a valid reason?

5. Does he make you afraid by what he says (for instance, does he threaten you)?

Please note the following: If the abuser wants to change the way he acts, he can get counseling. WIth long term help some men have learned to stop being abusers. The abuse usually gets worse over time.

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STOP
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

Domestic violence, abuse and battering should
not, and does not, need to happen.

All to often women find themselves in an abusive, violent relationship. As in the picture above, they can be left devastated by their partners who have abused them sexually or inflicted violent acts of mental abuse and/or battering. It can be very confusing when their partner apologizes and promises not to do it again. Believe me when I tell you, if he has abused you once he will do it again and again. The only way to Stop Domestic Violence is to get out and stay out.I offer the following web pages to help you get out and stay out. I’ll start with discussing domestic violence in general terms and move on to why domestic violence happens and conclude with help and guidelines. Please use the links included on this site to get the help you need. I would appreciate it if you would be kind enough to sign my Guest Book and let me know what you thought about my site.

Domestic violence or abuse of family members can take many forms. Emotional abuse, economic abuse, sexual abuse, threats, using children, using male privilege, intimidation and isolation are all forms of battering. There are a variety of other behaviors that can be used to maintain fear, intimidation and power. The abuser is most often the men in the families in all cultures. Women are most often the victims of violence. Abuse of the elderly and children are also prevalent in all cultures. While men are most often the abuser, men can also be victims of abuse by the women in their lives ie: mother, sister(s), grandmother, aunt(s) or wife. Men can, and should read, evaluate and apply any of the information included on my site.

Abusers use a pattern of behavior to establish power and control over another person through fear and intimidation that may include using threats or violence. The abuser believes that they are entitled to control someone else. However, assault, battering and domestic violence are all CRIMES. Acts of domestic violence generally fall into one or more of the following areas:

• PHYSICAL BATTERING: Physical attacks or aggressive behavior can fall anywhere between bruising to murder. It may begin with what is excused as a trivial contact and escalate into more frequent and serious attacks.
• SEXUAL ABUSE: The abuser’s physical attack is often accompanied by or ends with sexual violence where a woman is forced to have sexual intercourse with the abuser or take part in a sexual activity that she does not want to be part of.
• PSYCHOLOGICAL BATTERING: An abuser’s psychological or mental violence may include constant verbal abuse, harassment, excessive possessiveness and isolation of the woman from her family and friends. She may have physical and economic resources withheld and her personal property may be destroyed.

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Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone, yet the problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than physical. Emotional abuse is often minimized, yet it can leave deep and lasting scars.

Noticing and acknowledging the warning signs and symptoms of domestic violence and abuse is the first step to ending it. No one should live in fear of the person they love. If you recognize yourself or someone you know in the following warning signs and descriptions of abuse, don’t hesitate to reach out. There is help available.

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How to Prevent Domestic Violence

Member

By JanCast2007

Domestic violence is a serious crime that thrives on the use of emotional, psychological and physical abuse to control and isolate the victim. It is enacted by both men and women across all socioeconomic classes, ethnicity, culture and race. Domestic violence is often fueled by stress, substance abuse and repeating the cycle of learned behavior. Children that witness domestic violence suffer and have the haunting memories to live with. Domestic violence can end in serious injury and death. Because of the seriousness of this crime, it is extremely important that we learn how to prevent domestic violence.

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