Overview:

Some spouses are trapped in a relationship where they are abused. Our suggestion is that they seriously consider asking the abusive spouse to enter long-term therapy or counseling. If this is not an option, then they should seriously consider separation.

A far larger number of spouses are in a degenerating marriage with excessive conflict, a lack of intimacy, or poor communication. They are faced with two obvious choices:

	To stay and work on their relationship in the hopes of restoring it to health, or
	To separate in the hopes of having a better life in the future, perhaps with someone else.

Unfortunately, no one seems to have examined the likely consequences of each option, until Linda Waite and a team of family specialists at the University of Chicago mounted a major study into “happiness” of people five years after making their choice to stay or quit. ₁ They found that the better option may be to remain and work on the marriage.

How happy are people five years after facing the divorce option?

The University of Chicago study was released on 2002-JUL-11, and can be ordered from their web site for $7.00. ₂

Their research was based on analysis of data from the National Survey of Family and Households. It measured both personal and marital happiness of 5,232 heterosexual married adults during the late 1980s; 645 or 12.3% reported being unhappily married. They were re-interviewed in the mid 1990s. Some of the findings of the University of Chicago analysis were:

	Spouses in a really bad marriage tend to separate. But among those bad marriages in which the spouses stayed together, two out of three reported that their marriages were “happy” five years later.
	Among those who rated their marriages as “very unhappy,” 80% of those who stuck it out reported themselves as happily married five years later.
	Those spouses who separated were, on average, no happier than those who stayed married.
	Those spouses who separated and remarried were also no happier than those who stayed married.
	Three out of four unhappily married adults were married to a spouse who is happy with the marriage.

The separation and divorce route may look like an attractive option. However, it has some disadvantages and stressors:

	The response of one’s ex-spouse to the divorce.
	The reaction of the children.
	Disappointments and aggravation in custody, child support and visitation.
	Financial or health stressors in one or both parents.
	Stressors associated with new relationships or marriages.

To this list may be added:

	Loneliness: some people who choose divorce are not able to find a new partner.
	Many who have difficulties in a marriage (e.g. because they have problems communicating) find that they bring these deficiencies to the new relationship.
	Many who are married to a spouse who is physically abusive, mentally abusive, or who has an alcoholic or other drug addiction find that they choose a new partner with similar problems.

The researchers conducted focus group interviews with 55 formerly unhappy spouses who had been able to save their relationships and who are now happily married. Many of them had experienced “extended periods of marital unhappiness, often for quite serious reasons, including alcoholism, infidelity, verbal abuse, emotional neglect, depression, illness, and work reversals.” The subjects often reported that:

	They were able to ride out the unhappiness. In time, some of the problems dissipated.
	They invested a lot of time working on their problems and improving their relationship. For example, they reorganized their schedules to spend more time together, they sought help from relatives or in-laws, they went to counseling, they threatened divorce and consulted divorce attorneys.
	They found ways of working on and improving their own personal happiness, even though they were in a mediocre marriage.
	Research team member Scott Stanley commented: “In most cases, a strong commitment to staying married not only helps couples avoid divorce, it helps more couples achieve a happier marriage.“ 3

USA Today quoted Linda Waite as saying that:

	Those who worked on their marriages rarely turned to counselors. When they did, they went to faith-based ones committed to marriage.
	Men, particularly, were ”very suspicious of anyone who wanted money to solve personal problems.”
	Those who stayed married also generally disapproved of divorce. They cited concerns about children, religious beliefs and a fear that divorce would bring its own set of problems. 3 To read on please click here

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