The 3 Essentials for Building
Successful Relationships

By Alicia Fortinberry, MS

Good relationships in all areas of our lives are essential to our physical and emotional health but we seem to have more trouble than ever achieving them.

My husband, psychologist Bob Murray, and I have mined the fields of neurobiology, movement physiology and psychology and emerged with a startling new approach and some very concrete and simple tools.

Just as ants make ant-hills, human beings are relationship-making creatures. We function better within a supportive relationship environment or community. Yet ever since we abandoned our hunter-gatherer ways we have drifted further from the ability to connect successfully with each other.

In our private practice and the Uplift Program many of our clients and students confess to great difficulties dealing with others. Those who are single, for instance, despair of finding the ideal mate and those who live with a partner often report feeling just as isolated. The truth is most people never learned how to nurture their relationships.

The answer? We need to relearn the lost art of relationship-making from our hunter-gather forbears.

Every tribe, or band, had its taboos, roles and rituals, which enabled members to stay together and survive. And since our brains are still those of hunter-gatherers, the essence of relationship-making is much the same for modern humans.

We call these “tribal bonding” skills the 3 “R”s for successful relationships: rules, roles and rituals.

1. Rules

While most of our social and cultural taboos have broken down, and many aren’t feasible in a multi-cultural society, we still need rules and boundaries in relationships for safety and emotional security.

For modern humans this means setting the ground-rules and working out the conditions of each relationship you’re in–with your partner, friends and colleagues, and even with your kids.

In the Uplift Program courses and workshops, Transform Your Life and Your Relationships audio-workbook and in our new book Creating Optimism we show you exactly how to do this using our unique Needs-Based Dialogue^TM approach to relationships.

Here’s a few tips to get you started.

Think about what you really need the other person to do or not do in each of your relationships. All too often relationship needs are unstated, keeping others guessing. Or we express our needs in terms too vague to act on. “I need respect,” means entirely different things to different people.

Would you like your colleagues to acknowledge your contibution on a joint project to your supervisor? Do you need your partner to let you know if he’s running late? Do you want your date to pay for dinner or share the bill? If so let them know these needs are ground-rules for having a relationship with you.

Examples of good, clear needs are: “I need you not to criticize me” (all criticism is a form of control); “I need you to drive at or under the speed limit”, or “I need you to agree that I have a veto in all decisions affecting me or the relationship”.

Get to know what other people require in relationships. What exactly do they expect of you? Can you do that? Do you want to? Where can each of you compromise, and what’s non-negotiable? We advise people in all sorts of relationships–partnerships, families (kids included) and corporations–to write down their needs, discuss them and review them regularly.

2. Roles

Another aspect of a successful hunter-gatherer band was well-defined roles. Each person knew that they were essential to the others and what was expected of them. Age and sex determined most tribal roles; nowadays inclination and ability should be the determinants. In our mini-tribe of two, for example, Bob shops, cooks and manages the business while I do the laundry and network.

3. Rituals

Rituals are the glue that bonds relationships together. You probably already have rituals in your relationship (the good-bye kiss, the daily phone call from work) but may not realize how important these simple actions are in binding you together. Rituals tend to get lost in hard times, and that’s when we need to consciously keep them up, even maybe make up new ones and stick to them.

Thus the recipe for successful relationships boils down to the three “R”s: rules (your needs and boundaries), rituals and roles. Observe them, and you will be surrounded by supportive people for the rest of your life.

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The seven secrets of a successful marriage

Differences, incompatibilities and marriage success

True or false? Partners with fewer areas of difference and incompatibility have more successful relationships. Most people would answer true, but this is at least a partial misconception. All couples have areas of difference and incompatibility, to greater and lesser degrees. It’s been said that when couples with “irreconcilable differences” part ways, they are just trading in one set of five to seven differences for a different set of similar magnitude with their next partner.

Everyone knows that opposites attract. Differences can be very interesting and stimulating in your partner. We often seek partners who can complement our style with some of their strengths. The socially active partner brings something valuable to a relationship with the partner whose interests are more domestic, and vice versa. The bluegrass music fan who hooks up with the opera buff is headed for some disagreements over listening selections, but both may be stimulated by the opportunity to expand their music appreciation.

Differences aren’t so conflictual in the early stages of relationships, so couples don’t pay that much attention to them. Couples focus on similarities, as they are absorbed in getting to know each other. They may be very excited and enthralled by some of their differences, as well as their commonalities. As relationships progress, similarities become more familiar and less novel. When the couple moves into practical relationship tasks like advancing their careers, starting and raising a family, and managing finances, differences become more apparent and prominent. Sex, finances, and chores are the most common focal areas of conflict, although more important differences often lie elsewhere.

Couples with more differences have different styles of marriage than couples that are more similar in outlook. But they can be just as happy or even happier. Couples who have a successful ‘volatile’ relationship style can tolerate more areas of difference. Their conflicts just seem to offer more opportunity to kiss and make up. At the other end of the spectrum are successful ‘avoidant’ couples. (It’s not as bad as it sounds.) They know what areas of steer clear of with their partner and accept this arrangement. But avoidance only works well when differences aren’t too critical and there are large areas of common ground.

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Éntrenos en contacto con si usted quisiera ofrecerse voluntariamente enviando por correo electrónico: robertheard@counselingonlinesite.com.

Contact us if you would like to volunteer by emailing: robertheard@counselingonlinesite.com.

¿Por qué el programa de la prevención del suicidio de Angel Notion necesita a voluntarios?

- Definir claramente el programa y crear un enlace fuerte con las comunidades en Quintana Roo – Para tomar las decisiones tales como donde lo hacemos comience y debe el primer paso de este programa ser un servicio de teléfono, una clínica sin llamar o quizás una combinación de ambos

- Para decidir sobre un horario de la puesta en práctica

- Para decidir sobre blancos y métodos de la comercialización

- Para desarrollar una estrategia para alistar a muchos voluntarios necesarios como consejeros

- Para establecer políticas y procedimientos

- Para buscar fuentes de financiación y solicitar la financiación en curso

- Para proporcionar el acoplamiento entre los mexicanos y otros residentes Muchas más áreas serán tratadas de como comenzamos este proceso.

Los miembros del comité pueden ser los padres, los adultos jovenes, los profesionales, los residentes, los consumidores potenciales del servicio, los hombres de negocios y cualquier otros que tengan un deseo de ayudar a ésos que necesitan a un amigo de ayuda.

Desarrollarán al comité y el programa bajo auspicios de Angel Notion.

Why does Angel Notion’s Suicide Prevention Program Need Volunteers?

- To clearly define the program and to create a strong bond with communities in Quintana Roo

- To make decisions such as where do we start and should the first step of this program be a phone service, walk-in clinic or perhaps a combination of both

- To decide on an implementation schedule

- To decide on marketing targets and methods

- To develop a strategy for enlisting many volunteers needed as counselors

- To establish policies and procedures

- To seek out funding sources and apply for ongoing funding

- To provide linkage between Mexicans and other residents

Many more areas will be dealt with as we begin this process.

Committee members can be parents, young adults, professionals, residents, potential consumers of the service, business people and any others that have a desire to help those needing a helping friend.

The committee and Program will be developed under the auspices of Angel Notion.

angelnotion.org

Studies show that high self-esteem is the #1 ingredient essential
for developing happiness, fulfillment, rich relationships, and
overall success in life. In the life of every child, usually
sometime between birth and age 6, something happens to have the
child doubt him or herself. Someone says or does something that has
the child believe that he or she is flawed, unlovable, not worthy,
imperfect.

This initial stressful incident is the first real realization that
the child is not perfect and fails to measure up to society’s
standards in some important way. The initial upset can be one of
two types. The first assault could be an unkind word from a peer or
authority figure, a spanking, an insult, an argument, a bullying or
name calling episode. It could occur as a direct result of
something the child said or did that provoked an attack on his or
her sense of worthiness or ability to fit in.

The second type of self-esteem diminishing episode can be as a
result of the child misinterpreting someone’s words or actions to
mean that the child is flawed, unlovable, or defective in some way.
In such a case, no insult or demeaning connotation was intended.
The facts were that someone said or did something. The child
mistakenly made up that there was something wrong with him or her
as a result of what was said or done.

Daily, there are hundreds of opportunities for a child to
misinterpret life in a way that tarnishes their self-image over the
long term. A common example of such a misinterpretation can be when
parents get divorced. What happened was the adults fell out of love
or realized that they wanted to separate. What the child made up
was that if he had only been a better boy and did a better job
cleaning his room, or picking up his toys, mom and dad wouldn’t
have fought so much and would still be together. The child may make
up that he is bad and people leave him because of this.

Another example of this faulty reasoning might be an episode where
the parents drop off a child for a week with a relative. Perhaps
they feel they need a vacation or might need to tend to some
business matter and decide that it would be easier for the child to
be minded by a sitter. The child makes up that his parents don’t
love him and that people want to get rid of him. With this sort of
tendency toward faulty interpretation, there are literally
thousands of opportunities for the child to attach a meaning to the
situation that begins the process of eroding self-esteem.

The process of diminished self-esteem does not stop at such an
initial decision regarding the child’s value. The child, armed with
the belief that she is not good enough, now scans for additional
situations that may serve as more evidence to reinforce this
initial thought of being flawed. During such potentially upsetting
events, the child reinforces this idea of unworthiness by further
interpreting life events to prove the fact that she is defective.
After years of accumulating such evidence, their self-image
deteriorates further with every episode. Before long, there is no
doubt in the person’s mind that there is something wrong with them.
After all, they have created a self-fulfilling prophesy to cement
this belief firmly in their self-perception.

Parents can do much to support their children to feel good about
themselves and to champion their child’s self-image. They can
continually reinforce the concept that no one is perfect and all
one can do is their best. They can be a source of unconditional
love, supporting the child at every opportunity and encouraging
them to see themselves as worthy of affection, abundance, love, and
trust. They can make sure that the child understands that they, as
parents, might not always agree with the child’s behavior. However,
they can continually reinforce that the child is NOT their
behavior. Everyone makes mistakes and life is a process of learning
and growing. No matter what mistakes the child makes, he or she
must realize that they are always inherently good, lovable, and
worthy.

Parents can continually reinforce that they love their children
unconditionally. Children need to realize that even when they make
mistakes and parents do not approve of their behavior, this does
not affect their love for them or their sense of value. Children
will benefit from knowing that they are loved for who they are, not
just what they do.

Parents can speak respectfully to their children, reassuring them
of their competence, capability, and inherent value. They can
empower them to make their own choices whenever possible, fostering
their belief in their own ability to make wise decisions and learn
from any mistakes. They can give them responsibilities that nurture
their self-confidence and belief in their abilities. Whether that
looks like making their bed, helping with household chores, or
selecting their favorite juice at the grocery store, each can serve
as an opportunity for the child to grow in self-confidence.

Parents can consistently acknowledge their children for worthwhile
qualities they see in them. They can get into the habit of finding
something good about them every day and pointing it out. Parents
can support their children to see what might be missing for them to
be more effective with other people or in accomplishing their
goals. Rather than focusing on their weakness and faults, they can
empower their strengths and communicate that everyone has unique
talents and gifts that make them special. They can support children
to identify their passions and pursue their special interests and
develop their gifts.

Parents can teach their children to interpret life with empathy.
They can support them to imagine what it is like in another
person’s world so they can better understand why people do the
things they do. They can support their children to not take the
reactions of others personally. When children realize that no one
else can make them angry, sad or afraid, only they themselves can,
they learn to not be reactive and easily provoked by others’
issues. Parents can teach their children to forgive themselves for
mistakes they make. They can teach them the value of cleaning up
any mistakes by speaking and acting responsibly. They can also
teach them to forgive others, knowing that they are doing the best
they can based upon how they see the world. This does not mean that
we condone bad behavior. It means that we can better understand why
others do hurtful things at times and separate out that they do
them rather than interpreting that they do them TO us.

Parents can teach their children to have gratitude for their
blessings in life. They can teach them that the world is an endless
source of abundance for those who believe in themselves and their
ability to attract good things. They can teach them to expect
success, happiness, rich relationships, and abundance. They can
also teach them to play full out for what they want, committed to
their goals with a vision of success without being attached to any
result.

Many mistakenly confuse high self-esteem with ego. It is important
to distinguish between fostering high self-esteem in children, as
opposed to creating ego-maniacs obsessed with themselves at the
expense of others. High overall self-esteem means being competent
and capable of producing a result in every area of life. This
includes being effective in our relationships and in our
communication with others with an appreciation for what it is like
in the world of other people.  Those who care only about themselves
with no concern for others do not, by my definition, possess high
self-esteem.

It would serve parents to commit to themselves being perpetual
students of personal development, knowing that their children will
model their actions and their approach to life. It is with such an
energy of respect, love, and acceptance that children will receive
the tools they’ll need to grow into self-actualized, happy, and
self-assured adults possessing high self-esteem.

For more information on how to develop extreme self-esteem for
you and your children, visit http://www.theselfesteemsystem.com/1/

To explore a coaching relationship with Dr. Joe Rubino for you or
your children, email Joe@TheSelfEsteemBook.com