Ten Characteristics of Successful Relationships

By: Lisa Kift, MFT

As a couple’s therapist, I’ve seen a myriad of relationships styles. People who come in for counseling are clearly looking to change something they see problematic in their partnership. The problems range from the relatively benign tweaks in communication to serious pain and trust violations due to infidelity and all sorts of issues in between. Filtering through all of this, I’ve identified ten characteristics of successful relationships. These qualities are integral parts of a healthy relationship foundation and I believe increase the chances of weathering the storms that life inevitably dishes out.

The ten characteristics are as follows and are in no particular order:

1) Friendship: Couples who have a strong friendship have staying power. They not only love each other but genuinely like each other as people. They enjoy hanging out together. They might even consider each other their “best friend.”

2) Humor: Partners who can make each other laugh tend to be good at de-escalating conflicts when they do arise. It’s the great mood lightener. I’ve noticed the use of funny nicknames can be an indicator of great fondness for one another. The names often stem from a “you had to be there” moment from the beginning of their relationship.

3) Communication: As obvious as this may seem, many couples are not very good at it. Those who are able to openly express their feelings in an emotionally safe environment typically deal with situations as they come up and avoid burying frustrations which always have a way of coming out at some point.

4) Chore Sharing: Those who divvy up the household or parenting responsibilities in a way that is mutually agreed upon way are less likely to hold resentments about what they perceive as “unfair.” Each participates (albeit maybe begrudgingly) and both contribute to the relationship in this way.

5) Sexual Intimacy: Couples who have their sexual needs met or at least have negotiated a reasonable compromise if their levels of need aren’t compatible, feel taken care of by the other. Some are highly active, engaging in lovemaking multiple times a week and others are content with far less. There is no “right” or “wrong” amount. However, often times a negotiation is needed to make sure no one feels neglected by the other.

6) Affection: Partners who stay in physical contact in some way throughout the day have appeared to be the happiest ones. These moments don’t need to necessarily lead to sexual intimacy but are rather easy ways to say, “I love you,” without the words. These moments can be invaluable, especially these days when everyone seems to be racing around to get “somewhere.” Whether it’s a hug, kiss, swat on the rear, tussle of the hair or a sit on the lap, these acts of affection keep couples connected when life gets crazy.

7) No “Horsemen of the Apocalypse:” This is a term coined by a famous couples researcher named John Gottman (The Gottman Institute -) who claims to be able to predict divorce with incredible accuracy. His “four horsemen of the apocalypse” are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. His research has shown that couples who demonstrate a high level of these in their relationships are in big trouble.

8) Mutual and Separate Friends: Partners who socialize with other couples and also maintain separate friendships have greater balance in regards to honoring themselves as individuals, within the relationship. This leads to more self satisfaction which translates to relationship satisfaction.

9) Reliability: Most of us want follow-through with our friendships and our partners. If couples do what they say and say what they do, they create an atmosphere of comfort in knowing their words mean something to the other.

10) Relationship Vision: It’s interesting the number of couples I’ve seen who don’t seem to have the big picture of their relationship in mind. Where do they see themselves in ten year? What are their relationship goals? Couples who have created a relationship vision for themselves know where they’re going as they’ve planned it together. They get joy out of reaching for their goals as a team and are less likely to be derailed by surprises down the line.

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			The secrets of successful relationships Every relationship needs a solid foundation if it’s to survive all life can throw at it. Relationship psychotherapist Paula Halllooks at the seven essentials that spell success.

1. Love yourself

Unless you love yourself, it’s hard for you to believe that anyone else will.

Self-esteem is important for a healthy relationship. When you truly like yourself, in spite of any failings and weaknesses you may have, you’ll feel confident. And when you feel confident and secure within yourself, you can enjoy being with your partner for the joy they bring to your life, not because you feel you need them to survive. For tips on building confidence see the Improving confidence site.

If you’ve had bad experiences in the past, it’s worth working through these issues with a trusted friend or counsellor. It can be tempting to lean on your partner and rely on them for reassurance, but the stronger you are as an individual, the stronger and more equal your relationship will be.

2. Like your partner

Healthy relationships happen between two people who really like each other. It may be more romantic to talk about love, but it’s important to remember that love is an emotion that comes and goes.

If you genuinely like each other, enjoy being together, agree with how each other thinks and behaves, and share the same dreams in life, then loving feelings will never be too far away.

It’s important to tell your partner you like them, too. Warm words of encouragement and support build trust and respect. Add the odd compliment as well and you’ll be helping to boost their self-esteem.

3. Make quality time

The importance of things can be measured by the amount of time we’re willing to give them. When a couple first gets together, they instinctively prioritise their relationship. But as time goes by and life gets busier with work and children, time together often slips down the list of priorities.

If you don’t spend regular quality time together, chances are you’ll drift apart. Making such time for each other may mean sacrificing other activities, but remember it’s an investment in your future happiness.

4. Communicate

Good communication is essential for a healthy relationship. It’s the only way you can tell your partner who you are, what you want and why you behave the way you do. Talking is the way we let each other into our private worlds.

Communicating better is about learning to say openly and honestly exactly what you think and feel. It also means listening to your partner without judgement. For more see Talk and listen.

5. Argue well

It’s important to accept that arguments are a normal part of a relationship. We’re all unique and so we’re bound to have our differences.

Couples who argue well don’t have to worry about not always agreeing. A good argument is an opportunity to share your feelings and strengthen your bond by reaching a decision you’re both happy with. It can be an experience that leaves you both feeling more confident about your relationship and brings you closer together.

6. Touch every day

Touching is a vital human need. Studies have shown that without touching, many animals – including humans – will die in childhood. Being caressed also lowers blood pressure and releases natural opiates in the brain, as well as the chemical oxytocin, which is essential for human pair-bonding. For more, see Sensual touching.

Touch has the power to comfort and support, to protect and encourage, to relax and, of course, to arouse. Every couple knows their sex life may have dry periods, but our need for physical affection never changes.

7. Accept change

People change over the years and it’s these changes that can keep a relationship alive. Life changes too – and not always in ways that we want.

Change can provide opportunities for growth and intimacy, but it can also be painful. It may mean adjusting to a new way of thinking or a new way of life. It may also mean letting go of things that have been familiar and safe.

In successful relationships, couples learn to adapt and change together. They accept that change is an inevitable part of human life and support each other, for better for worse.

Keeping all seven principles going isn’t easy, but the more you can manage on a regular basis, the stronger your relationships will be.

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How To Make Your Relationships Succeed…Or Fail!

By Morton C. Orman, M.D. Copyright © 1995-2002 M.C. Orman, MD, FLP

Here’s the real truth about human relationships: MOST OF US HAVE BEEN PROGRAMMED TO FAIL IN OUR RELATIONSHIPS, no matter how much we want to succeed.

To make matters worse, much of what we’ve learned about relationships, from romance novels, t.v., movies, or talking with friends–is just plain wrong!

The idea that two people meet, fall in love, and live happily ever after is one of the biggest myths ever perpetrated on Western civilization. The real truth is two people meet, fall in love, begin living together, and then do just about everything they can to diminish and destroy their love for each other.

Let’s face it. You’ve got a better chance of surviving cancer today than you do of having a successful long-term relationship. This includes marriage, living with someone, business partnerships, and many other social unions.

Most people go through life without ever understanding the key elements that make their relationships succeed or fail. The purpose of this Report is to shed some light on this very important subject.

In the next few pages, I’ll show you how to single-handedly destroy any relationship that matters to you in ten easy steps. Why should you want to know how to do this? Because your natural tendency will be to commit these ten mistakes anyway. So the more you understand them, the better prepared you will be to recognize and hopefully defeat them.

Sure, there are a few lucky souls who naturally succeed at interpersonal relationships. But that tiny group probably doesn’t include you or me! If we’re going to succeed in this challenging arena, we’re going to have to do it the hard way. We’re going to have to learn from our mistakes and find out what really works. Then we’re going to have to stop doing the things that don’t work and start doing more of the things that do.

TEN WAYS TO DESTROY ANY RELATIONSHIP THAT MATTERS TO YOU

1. BE ABUSIVE

It’s truly amazing how many people think it’s o.k. to abuse other people, especially those they care about most. Husbands and wives frequently abuse each other. Parents and children easily fall into abusive patterns. Employers abuse their employees, and visa versa. Even pet owners sometimes take out their frustrations on their pets.

I’m not just talking about extreme physical or emotional abuse. I’m also including milder forms of abuse, such as daily put-downs, sarcastic remarks, other negative comments, withholding affection, refusing to talk, threatening to leave, etc.

Many people repeatedly engage in these subtle forms of abuse. Married couples especially tend to act as if their marriage license gives them the absolute right to verbally or otherwise abuse each other.

As harmless you might think such negative interactions are, they are much more damaging to our relationships than most people appreciate.

If you want your long-term relationships to succeed, you must learn to resist these common abusive tendencies. You should resist them at all times, even if you feel justified in responding this way.

2. BE DEFENSIVE

In his book What Makes Marriages Succeed And Fail (Simon & Schuster, 1994), family therapist John Gottman, Ph.D. summarizes more than twenty years of clinical research which clearly shows, among other things, that married people who repeatedly become defensive when challenged or criticized by their partner have much higher rates of unhappiness and divorce.

Being defensive is not only destructive–it shuts you off from an extremely valuable source of feedback. In order to succeed in our interpersonal relationships, we’ve got to be willing to admit when we are wrong. The only problem is we are not usually in good position to recognize when we are wrong.

Our partners, however, are usually in excellent position to recognize when we are wrong. They are also usually more than happy to point this out to us, in the hope that we will make corrections.

If you routinely shut out this valuable source of feedback, by always seeking to defend your actions or point of view, you will damage your relationships by not letting others contribute to you. You will continue to commit the same mistakes, over and over again, until the other person gets tired of this…and you as well.

The secret to dealing with criticism from others is not to reject it or act defensively. The secret is to listen intently to everything the other person is saying about you, and then try to find one or more things you can agree with! Don’t automatically try to defend yourself or prove you are right. Instead, work very hard to validate, rather than reject, at least some of what the other person is saying.

Ben Franklin said, “The sting of another’s criticism usually comes from the truth in it.” If you want to have happy, healthy, long-lasting relationships, look for these “truths” and be willing to admit them.

3. BE CRITICAL

While occasional criticism and constructive feedback is healthy in our relationships, too much of either can be very damaging. If you are constantly complaining or pointing out flaws in your partner’s behavior, this can become annoying and unattractive.

Often, people will persist in being critical of their partners because they truly believe they are just trying to help them. However, there are usually deeper, more sinister, motives at work. Many people simply want to fix, change, or control other people. They want to make them over to fit their own image or change their behavior to comply with their own standards. While this is a very common and understandable human tendency, it is another key pattern that is destructive in our relationships.

Another common mistake people make is to store up their critical judgments, instead of voicing them openly. They keep finding fault with people they are related to, yet they don’t let the other person know this directly. Then, they either “explode” with criticism over some minor event, or they turn off their affection and the relationship slowly dies.

A woman who recently consulted me for help with marital difficulties told me that her husband had suddenly announced that he wanted a divorce. Even though this couple had been married for twenty years and had raised four children together, the husband wanted out and couldn’t be persuaded to change his mind.

When she tearfully asked him why, after all these years, he suddenly felt this way, he responded by saying, “I’ve never been happy living with you. I felt trapped and miserable right from the start.” When he finally got around to telling her his feelings, too much damage had already been done.

4. BE RIGHT MOST OF THE TIME

Perhaps the single biggest mistake you can make if you want to have good relationships with others is to always try to be right in your dealings with others. Why is this so destructive? Because in order for you to be right, the other person must end up being wrong.

Most people dislike having others make them feel wrong. They will resent you for this, and even if you win the argument or get your way, you’ll pay a price later on.

It’s almost always wiser to let other people be right and have their way as much as possible. Obviously, you may not want to compromise on things that are extremely important to you, but 90% of the time, it will make very little difference, one way or the other.

Here’s a quote from Ogden Nash (reprinted from the June 1994 issue of Readers Digest, p.130) that states this point very well:

To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong admit it,
Whenever you’re right, shut up!

5. BE SELFISH

In addition to being right, another good way to destroy your relationships is to always be selfish and try to get your own way. Think only about your own wants, needs, and desires. Put your concerns first and consider others’ needs much less important.

This is an excellent way to destroy any type of relationship. It is especially useful if you want to destroy your marriage.

6. BE DISHONEST

Another great way to destroy your relationships is to be dishonest. Tell little “white lies” from time to time. Pretend everything is just “fine” when you are really feeling angry or upset. Say you’re fully committed to another, when in fact you have some doubts.

Whatever the issue might be, it rarely works to be dishonest in your relationships. Even if your dishonesty is never found out, you will know about it. You will also know that it damages your relationship. When you are dishonest, you know intuitively that your relationship will be less likely to succeed. As a consequence, you won’t fully invest yourself, and this also will help it to fail.

7. BE UNFAITHFUL

Forget the vows and promises you made to each other. Go behind your partner’s back and do something you know they wouldn’t appreciate. Justify your behavior by saying “those promises were made in the past. Things are different now.”

I’m not talking only about sexual infidelity. People often engage in all sorts of major and minor transgressions, even though they aren’t conducive to healthy, enduring relationships. Unfortunately, many let their relationships deteriorate so far, they convince themselves such behavior is justified.

Make no mistake about it. Violating one of the sacred agreements of your relationship, whether or not that agreement was openly stated or just plain understood, is a sure-fire way to kill a troubled union. If your relationship wasn’t dead before you decided to commit such an unfaithful act, it probably will be.

8. BE SUPERIOR

If you want to destroy any type of relationship, be sure to think of yourself as smarter, prettier, cooler, hipper, or more worthwhile than other people. Make it your habit to put other people down in order to feel good about yourself. Always strive to win any competition, and never give anyone an even break.

This an excellent way to get other people to dislike you. It also shows that you aren’t really smart at all. In truth, no human being is more special or superior than anyone else. Sure some people develop superior skills or exceptional talents. But they are no more or less lovable, no more or less worthy, than anyone else. If you’ve somehow convinced yourself that the previous statement isn’t true, you’d better reconsider.

9. BE CONTROLLING

Keep very close tabs on your partner at all times. This way, you can prevent him or her from changing, growing, or maybe even deciding to leave you at a later date.

Always try to get other people to think and feel exactly as you do. Try to intimidate them, dominate them, and keep them from behaving in ways you don’t approve.

Make them fearful of crossing you or offending you by always responding with hostility and rage. This is an excellent way to bring romantic relationships to an end.

It’s also a very good way to end up living alone.

10. BE CERTAIN

Whatever else you do, always remain certain that whatever you think, feel, or believe–about relationships, your partner, life in general, etc.–is true. Never let doubt or contradictory evidence creep in. Never ask for guidance or support from others. And above all else, never admit any shortcomings that might make you appear weak or stupid.

Always appear to know exactly what you are doing, even when you don’t have a clue. This will insure you never learn anything new or useful. It will also guarantee that people who love you will get totally frustrated in their efforts to help you succeed and be happy.

PLEASE APPRECIATE ALL TEN STEPS

Each of us commits these ten mistakes from time to time. This is why you should familiarize yourself with all ten and regularly keep them in mind. As simple and obvious as many of these mistakes appear, we often don’t recognize them when they are controlling our behavior.

These are not the only ways you can destroy your interpersonal relationships. There are other habits which are equally destructive. If you remember these ten patterns, however, you’ll be way ahead of most other people.

NOTE: Additional destructive relationship patterns are discussed in Chapter 10 of my book The 14 Day Stress Cure as well as in other excellent resources listed at the end of this report.

It is important to acknowledge that all of the patterns discussed in this report have positive as well as negative aspects. For example, being right and being in control are often necessary to succeed in our jobs or professions. A doctor, for instance, must try to be right all the time. Doctors must also take control in certain situations and act in ways that reflect their superior knowledge and experience. But if a doctor takes those same patterns home and tries to use them to dominate his or her spouse or kids, serious relationship problems will usually occur.

Also, many patterns that are destructive to our relationships are actually valued and endorsed by our society! Television programs (especially soap operas), movies, advertisements, and other subtle forces encourage us to act in counterproductive ways. Your best friends and family members are also susceptible to these same societal forces, so their “helpful” advice can be questionable as well. So be prepared for lots of bad or misguided information about relationships to come your way. To succeed in your relationships, you’ll need to disregard much of this incorrect input and challenge many of the popular notions that don’t really do people very much good.

HOW TO SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE

Here are some added tips for marital success excerpted from How To Have A Stress-Free Wedding…And Live Happily Ever After!, a book co-authored by my wife Christina and I in 1994. (Many of these tips also apply to other types of relationships as well.)

PURPOSE

Create a purpose for your relationship that can empower both you and your partner throughout a lifetime. This purpose should be bigger than just having your relationship succeed. It should also be bigger than having fun, having a good time, having a family, or reaching any other well-defined goal.

Examples of purposes that can last a lifetime and keep your relationship fresh and exciting are: contributing to the health and well-being of everyone around you; con- tributing to other people’s financial success; contributing to ending hunger on the planet; contributing to ending stress in people’s lives; solving the problems of crime, abuse, or poverty in the world, etc.

Oprah Winfrey, the successful T.V. talk show host, recently took on a new purpose for her life. She committed herself to doing what she can to end child abuse in the world. Since then, her T.V. show has become even better! In addition, her primary relationship with the man in her life now has a focus much bigger than just the two of them.

Any purpose that turns you on and energizes you will work. Just make sure both you and your partner are excited about it and that you plan to dedicate your relationship to it. This won’t make all those little hassles, disappointments, and petty disagreements of married life magically disappear. It will, however, make them seem inconsequential!

NOTE: Each of you can have a different purpose or life direction. Then, the purpose of your relationship can become mutually supporting each other to become successful.

CLARIFY AGREEMENTS, EXPECTATIONS, VALUES, ROLES, ETC.

It’s very important for you and your partner to always clarify (that means communicate with each other openly and honestly) important agreements, expectations, values, roles, feelings, attitudes, beliefs, passions, etc. Failing to do this is a major cause of “stress.”

Don’t assume that you know your partner’s thoughts, feelings, or desires. Don’t assume he or she understands yours either. Always spell things out so there are no misunderstandings.

YOUR PARTNER ISN’T RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR HAPPINESS

Never expect your partner to bring you happiness. He or she will have enough trouble managing their own life. They won’t be able to take responsibility for yours as well.

Besides, the truth about human beings is that we all have the power to make ourselves happy any time we want. We don’t need other people to provide this for us. It’s actually much easier and more dependable to learn how to create happiness on your own. Then, whatever happiness your partner does contribute to your life, you’ll accept this as a bonus. (And if they don’t contribute much, you won’t feel cheated.)

TRUST

Trust is an important part of all human relationships. It’s especially important in a marriage. Since the promises you make to each other are the foundation of your union, you must each trust the other to faithfully follow through.

While trust is necessary for the success of your relationship, don’t be naive or stupid about granting it. Make sure your partner is worthy of your trust, and call them to task for any major or minor violations. Organize your own life and behavior so as to always deserve your partner’s faith and trust as well. You must establish and protect mutual trust in your relationship. Without this key ingredient, your relationship will likely fail.

SUPPORT

Make your marriage about supporting and nurturing your partner. This often becomes contagious. But even if there is little reciprocation, you can still derive pleasure from serving another person, provided you do so of your own free will.

GIVING IN

Christina and I once attended a wedding where the minister opened the ceremony by relating the following story. He talked about a couple who were both in their 90’s and who had been happily married for more than 70 years. When he interviewed them to find out the secret to their success, the wife replied “I truly believe we made it this far because I gave in 95% of the time.” When the husband was asked, he replied, “I too gave in 95% of the time.”

There’s real truth in this story. Don’t be eager to have your own way if you want to have a long and happy marriage. Make it your goal to give in more than 50% of the time, and take pleasure in letting your partner have his or her way as often as you can.

AGREE WITH YOUR PARTNER’S CRITICISMS AND COMPLAINTS

Too many people get defensive when criticized, especially when complaints are delivered by a loved one. Don’t underestimate the value of these opportunities.

While you might think you are innocent, your partner wouldn’t be criticizing you unless you have done something, either real or imagined, to deserve it. Whatever the case, don’t dismiss your partner’s feelings. Find some way to agree with their point of view, for much of the time they will have a legitimate beef.

VALUE EACH OTHER

Perhaps the best advice we can give you about saving your marriage is to always value yourself and your partner. Never focus on the negatives about each other. Always emphasize the positives and force yourself to reflect upon them frequently. (The negatives tend to stand out all by themselves!)

In addition to valuing your own worth and the worth of your partner, learn to value the differences between you. Each of you probably has differing needs for intimacy, for communication, for expressing emotions, for time spent alone, etc. You also probably have different strengths, beliefs, preferences, past histories, and patterns of dealing with success and adversity.

Learn to value these differences rather than criticize each other for having them. Don’t assume that your way of doing things, your point of view, or your past experiences are any more “right” or “valid” than your partner’s. Each of you is a separate, distinct, and different human being. And each of you has a right to be who you are, and be loved and accepted just that way.

Another part of valuing each other is refusing to blame or criticize each other when things don’t go a you wish. All people make mistakes, including your partner. Again, focus on what’s “good” and “right” about your partner, rather than anything you might view as “bad” or “wrong.”

Also, resist saying anything negative or critical about your partner in public, even to your best friends! You might be strongly tempted to do this, but it only devalues your relationship.

Christina and I always speak highly about each other to our family, friends, and other acquaintances. Even if we’re upset or down on each other at the moment, we don’t reinforce our negative feelings by communicating them to others.

Often, what happens when you violate this rule is that other people agree with your negative assessments and add more of their own. They encourage you to think even more negatively about your partner, which is the opposite of what you truly need to do.

NOTE: You might think that by “getting things off your chest” by talking with friends you will feel much better. In the short run, this may be true. But in the long run, it will probably hurt your relationship.

SEEK TO PLEASE AND PLEASURE EACH OTHER

Consider your marriage license a license to please and pleasure your partner. After all, you are in the best position to know what they like and provide it for them. You also have exclusive access to their inner thoughts, desires, and secret fantasies. So take full advantage of this special position you occupy. Take pride in pleasing your partner and adding pleasure to his or her life. Whether or not they reciprocate in kind–which will be hard for them to resist–your life will be much richer.

OTHER TIPS FOR MARITAL SUCCESS

• Be honest with your partner at all times.
• Communicate whenever something is bothering you.
• Keep communicating until the problem is successfully resolved. (Do not give up!)
• Deal with problems when they first begin to emerge. (Don’t ignore them or wait to see if they get worse.)
• Always insist on win-win solutions.
• Forgive each other (after the fact) for any wrongdoings.
• Forgive each other (in advance) for future wrongdoings.
• Fight for the best in each other (even if your partner resists you).
• Encourage healthy growth and change.
• Keep your promises to each other (no matter what).
• Renegotiate any promises that may have been foolishly made.
• Admit your weaknesses and lack of skill in specific areas.
• Never assume your marriage is secure (it isn’t!).

SPECIAL ADVICE FOR MEN: HOW TO SUCCEED WITH WOMEN

This advice is for the benefit of any men who might be reading this report. MEN: Take everything you know about succeeding in your relationships with women and throw it away. It probably won’t do you any good.

The smartest thing any man can do is to realize that women–just about all women–are much more knowledgeable about how to succeed in relationships than we will ever be. If you really want to succeed in your relationships with women, you’d be very wise to let them take the lead.

Listen very closely whenever they start telling you things you are doing, or not doing, that they consider wrong. Most of the time your ideas WILL BE WRONG, so if you empower your female partner to lead you as if you were blind you will have much greater odds of succeeding in the long run.

SPECIAL ADVICE FOR WOMEN: HOW TO SUCCEED WITH MEN

WOMEN: Here’s some special advice just for you about how to succeed in your relationships with men. Read the previous section and then realize that the success of your relationships with men will be LARGELY UP TO YOU!

We men have not been trained to succeed in our interpersonal relationships. In fact, we’ve been conditioned and programmed to be total and miserable failures.

We need your help, whether we know it or not. You must take the leadership role and make your man realize why this makes sense. You must also take the time and effort to train your man how to do things right. Of course the job will be easier if you pick a man who understands this from the outset, but even if you have not been very selective, you can train almost any man to appreciate and value what you have to bring to the partnership.

Yes, I know this is another unfair and unequal distribution of responsibility. But it’s the way relationships work, and if you try to disown the job, or share it equally with your man, your relationship will probably suffer.

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The Truth About Antidepressants

This is what the drug companies don’t want you to know. They cause weight gain, are addictive, and cause withdrawals when you get off them! Also, they can cause or make worse hypothyroidism. On top of that, they can make your depression worse! The drug companies don’t have proof that their drugs even work! In studies, sugar pills were more effective! These drugs slow down your metabolism so much that no matter how much you exercise and diet you will gain weight. SSRI’s are addictive! These drugs are not a natural pill, they are addictive. Severe withdrawals are experienced when you get off these drugs lasting from 2 weeks to 2 months. Some even have less severe symptoms for months to up to 3 years after! Even missing one day’s dose can cause withdrawals. Such severe withdrawals that cause many to lose their jobs, relationships, etc. You will be disabled for at least 2 weeks. I know from personal experience. I experienced two months of complete hell. I had sweating and the chills alternating, night sweats that woke me up, insomnia, daytime drowsniness and exhaustion, diarrhea, anxiety, headaches, severe & painful PMS, weight gain, memory problems, unable to concentrate, blurry vision, joint pain, dizziness, hypersensitivity to motion/sounds/smells, fainting, grinding of teeth during sleep, itchiness, nausea, heartburn, involuntary muscle twitching, numbness, and increased depression. Any side effects I had on the drug were magnified when I got off them. I tried many times over 14 years to get off these drugs. No doctor ever told me about these withdrawals, instead they said that was a sign that I needed to go back on these drugs. I finally found out the truth, so I am spreading the word so others don’t have to suffer as long as I did! I wish someone had told me the truth 14 yrs ago! What a waste of my life! Spread the word, tell others! Don’t let your doctor push these drugs on you! Everyone is now being told to go on these drugs for problems not even relating to depression! They are writing these prescriptions to get their patients out of the office quickly instead of taking time to find a diagnosis for the symptom! Unless you can’t get out of bed and are suicidal, please don’t take these drugs. If considering them, don’t take them! Or at least educate yourself thru the links on this web site. Don’t trust your doctor to inform you. If on them, get some time off work and get off them! This includes all SSRI’s (Prozac, Effexor, Paxil, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, etc.) Effexor has the worst withdrawals.

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Do AntiDepressants Work?

A Sober Look at the Happy Pills

Talk about it:
info@livereal.com

Your trusty LiveReal Agents
asking the tough questions
and searching out the tough answers . . .

With so many people in our pill-crazed culture taking antidepressants . . . we just have to ask:

Are they actually working?

Have we solved the problem of human suffering? Are we any happier? Is this the best solution we have?

So we went looking for answers,
and so far have found . . .

This excerpt from
The Wall Street Journal, June 12th, 2002:

First there was Prozac. Then came Zoloft, Paxil, Effexor and Celexa. Now the FDA is poised to approve what could be the next blockbuster in the enormous antidepressant market . . .

The arrival of Lexapro, made by Forest Laboratories Inc., is expected as early as this month, and many patients and doctors are eagerly waiting. “Everyone’s going to want to try it on some patient,” says Philip Muskin, a Columbia University psychiatrist. He explains: “You keep hoping that the next one is going to solve all of the problems.”

But both science and past experience suggest that many people are bound to be disappointed . . .

Though demand for antidepressants is huge and growing – they are now the second-most prescribed drugs after anti-infectives, such as antibiotics - the frustrating reality for many patients and physicians is that they either don’t work very well or have intolerable side effects.

Few patients realize that half of the people who go on antidepressants stop taking them after three months. Add that to the fact that Lexapro is, in part, amarketing maneuver. It is nearly identical in its chemical make-up to Celexa, which Forest also makes. And Celexa works very similarly to the other top-selling antidepressants. But doctors and analysts expect demand for the new drug to be huge, partly because so many patients cycle through antidepressants . . .

Sibyl Shalo, 32 years old, ran through four different antidepressants between 1994 and 2000. They either didn’t work well or lost their benefits over time. Now she’s on Celexa, which improves her depression but also causes constipation, diarrhea and fatigue. “If this is the best I’m going to get, that’s not such a good thing,” says Ms. Shalo. So she’s awaiting Lexapro. “Now there’s something else for me to try,” she says.

Even the most popular antidepressants on the market work on only about half of the people who try them. Though the medicines have been life saviors for some patients, as many as 30% of those who are clinically depressed aren’t helped by any existing drug, according to Datamonitor PLC, a London market-analysis company. Moreover, all antidepressants can cause troubling side effects – for example, 37% of patients on antidepressants experience sexual dysfunction, according to a recent study by Anita Clayton, a University of Virginia psychiatry professor.

The National Institute of Mental Health estimates about 19 million Americans – 1 in 10 adults – suffer from depression at some point each year. About half of them, eight million people used antidepressants last year, according to Datamonitor. If you count those who used the drugs to treat anxiety, such as panic disorder, as many as 10 million Americans may have taken the medications in 2001.”

John Williams, a Honda salesman living in Seattle, enrolled in a Lexapro Trial after finding he couldn’t tolerate the loss of sexual appetite he suffered taking Paxil. On Lexapro, the sexual side effects almost entirely disappeared and he felt he could handle the others – ringing in his ears and a spacey feeling in the morning.

When the clinical trial ended in April, he had to go off Lexapro, but began taking the closest thing on the market, Celexa. “They seem to be identical,” he says. But while the drugs diminish his depression and anxiety, his symptoms aren’t gone.

And so Mr. Williams is already wondering what new treatment is coming. His doctor just told him about a trial for yet another antidepressant starting soon, and he says he’s thinking about enrolling.”

- excerpt from The Wall Street Journal,
“Approval Is Near On a New Drug for Depression,” June 12th, 2002

. . . and this excerpt from WebMD:

The latest scientific study to weigh in on the subject finds that theantidepressants worked only marginally better than placebos in a group of studies submitted to the FDA. Study participants taking the dummy pills had approximately 80% of the response seen in patients taking one of the six most widely prescribed antidepressants.

Lead researcher Irving Kirsch, PhD, tells WebMD that in many of the studies, while the difference between drug and placebo was significant from a statistical standpoint, it did not represent a significant difference for patients. His study appears July 15 in the American Psychological Association’s electronic publication, Prevention and Treatment.

“We are not saying that people don’t respond to these medications,” says Kirsch, who is a psychology professor at the University of Connecticut. “On the contrary, the response is very large, and that is why there has been this so-called revolution in the treatment of depression. The catch is that the response to placebo is almost as large” . . .

“People may be better off exploring other treatment options such aspsychotherapy or exercise, which has been shown to reduce depression. And the side effect of physical exercise is better health. That is much better than the loss of sexual function, tremors, agitation, diarrhea, and nausea that are side effects of SSRIs.”

Psychologist Roger P. Greenberg, PhD, says it is understandable that the SSRIs have become so popular in such a short time, despite the lack of data showing them to be effective. Both patients and their physicians, he adds, have adopted a“fast-mood mentality,” where the quick fix is expected for the treatment of depression. Greenberg heads the psychology division at SUNY Upstate Medical University and has written two books on the limits of treating depression with drugs.

“The notion that depression is caused by a biochemical imbalance that is easily treated with drugs has taken hold in recent years because it provides this easy solution,” he tells WebMD. “Biochemical imbalance is a handy catch phrase, but there is not a lot of evidence that there is such a thing.”

- excerpts from “Are Antidepressants Effective?
They’re Just Slightly More Effective
Than Dummy Pills,
Research Shows”
by Salynn Boyles, WebMD

. . . and this excerpt from USAToday, January 22nd, 2004:

(LiveReal Editor’s Summary of the Article:
Could antidepressants – those very things that have so often been hailed as the cure for depression . . . cause suicide?
“We don’t know,” experts say. “Maybe.”)

Could antidepressants prescribed for more than 1 million U.S. children and teenagers cause some of them to attempt suicide?

The Food and Drug Administration’s first public hearing on this question Feb. 2 is expected to draw polarized and emotional testimony. But the evidence needed for an answer won’t be in for several months, says Russell Katz, director of the FDA’s neuropharmacological division.

The FDA is re-examining 20 studies of eight antidepressants used in children. The studies didn’t document a single drug-related suicide. But preliminary findings suggested that suicidal thoughts and attempts, though rare, were more common in kids taking the drugs than those on sugar pills. . .

. . . The FDA has asked drug companies for more information . . .

(Editor’s Note:
Is there something wrong with this scenario?
Is the best way to gather real “information”
really to ask the folks whose very livelhood depend on the answers?)

. . . in December, Britain’s equivalent of the FDA advised giving none of the SSRIs to children except for Prozac, saying it’s the only one whose benefits outweigh risks . . .

. . . There’s relatively little controlled research on SSRIs in school-age children “and zippo on kids under 5,” says John March, chief of child and adolescent psychiatry at Duke University Medical Center in Durham, N.C. . .

. . . “The lack of supporting data, considering their widespread use, is surprising and disturbing,” says Lawrence Diller, a behavioral pediatrician in Walnut Creek, Calif., and author of Should I Medicate My Child? . . .

. . . However, prescribing patterns and medical economics work against the eagle-eye monitoring needed, some say. General practitioners and pediatricians, often not experts in the field, write the majority of SSRI prescriptions for kids. Also, HMOs may restrict access to busy specialists and pay for pills but not therapy . . . says David Fassler, a child psychiatrist in Burlington, VT . . .

. . . Mark Miller, 54, of Overland Park, Kan., believes antidepressants cost the life of his 13-year-old son, Matthew. He’ll testify at the FDA hearing.

After a family move in 1996, Matthew had trouble adjusting at his new school. On the advice of school counselors, the Millers took him to a psychiatrist the next summer, though he seemed happier.

The doctor gave Mark antidepressants, and he began to act fidgety, Miller says. The morning after Mark took his seventh pill, Mark’s mom found him hanging by a belt from a laundry hook in his closet.

“We have no family history of depression and didn’t even have a package insert because he gave us samples,” Miller says. An autopsy showed his son’s body had SSRI levels suitable for a 250-pound body, though the boy weighed less than 100 pounds, he says.

But other parents will tell the FDA that SSRIs saved their kids’ lives.

Sherri Walton, 45, of Paradise Valley, Ariz., says major depression runs in her family. Walton’s daughters, Jordan, 14, and Katie, 12, started Prozac in the past 18 months after episodes of severe depression.

“They didn’t even want to dance anymore, even though they’re avid dancers; they didn’t want to live, and now they’re normal kids,” Walton says. “I’m going to tell the FDA, ‘Don’t take away what gave my kids their lives back.’ ”

The agency expects to have enough evidence to answer the questions on suicide risk by summer, the FDA’s Katz says. Another hearing is likely then, and at that time the FDA might issue a new recommendation on SSRIs and children.

Parents who want their kids off the antidepressants now should consult doctors on how to do it gradually because stopping abruptly can be harmful, he adds.

For undecided parents, new interim guidance might come Feb. 2, Katz says. “All we can say right now is, use with caution.”

- excerpt from USA TODAY, January 22nd, 2004
“Antidepressants and Suicide”
by Marilyn Elias

Appendix I: Does it all come down to “brain chemistry”?

It’s very fashionable nowadays for modern psychologists to explain everything in terms of biology – every feeling, thought, impulse, perception – essentially everything you and I experience, says many psychologists – can eventually be reduced down to neurochemistry, synapses, hormones, and essentially, biology.

And there are many advantages to this approach. It’s easy, it’s blame-free, it let’s almost everyone (except maybe God) off the hook, and when doctors start talking synapses and hormones and such, it’s easy to sound intelligent and like you know what you’re talking about.

But is it true?

Well, it does seem clear that there is a profound “connection,” in a way, between what is normally called “mind” and “body.” This is a huge topic, but we’ll leave it there for now.

At the same time, this get totally, totally blown out of proportion nowadays.

This is further explored in our article on therapy – but to briefly summarize some points:

Appendix II: Modern PsychoTheology

A LiveReal Agent Opinion:

When we once confronted the question “Why do we suffer?“, theologians and ministers in old times used to talk about “man’s fallen state.” While this has generally become unfashionable to speak about (due in no small part to the science-religion debate – and a general in trend where science is generally gaining ground on religion) it has actually merely been replaced by a new, “scientific” version.

Meaning, instead of saying the “you were born into a fallen state,” the experts (now doctors instead of priests or theologians) now say “you were born with “defective brain chemistry.”

And instead of offering salvation through prayers, scripture, and sermons, they offer “salvation” through selling prescriptions and pills.

But they often fail to mention that, in addition to the possibility of “defective brain chemistry,” there are many other possible reason why we suffer. And then, when certain problems come around that make us suffer, there are many other things to do to alleviate that suffering . . .

So, then

- if this is the case . . . then, what’s a person to do?

Well, we believe the whole question of mental health is a bigger issue than is generally spoken about in polite society.

For example, there’s the issue that our modern culture itself may be a little insane, and living in this culture can become a battle for your own mind . . .

Well, many folks suggest therapy, which brings up many other questions – primarily, Does Therapy Work?)

We strongly suggest a do-it-yourself approach (after all, you’re really doing-it-yourself even if you do see and trust many doctors and experts) – an approach which does have its hazards as well . . . but then again, you have LiveReal, and our immensely valuable LiveReal Products as well . . .

And ultimately, the issue of mental clarity and emotional strength – the very “goals” of the LiveReal Psychology Arena, and especially our section on What’s the Problem – but ultimately has what could be called a “spiritual” component.

But modern spirituality is a whole other furry animal – and one that we, your trusty LiveReal Agents delve into in the LiveReal Spiritual Arena . . .

So talk to us, keep posted, and stay tuned in . . .

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Statistics in Western society tell us that about 50% of all marriages fail. Worse yet is that many of those don’t even make it through the first year.  Understanding why marriages fail can be key to ensuring that your own marriage does not fail.  Some factors that can contribute to the marriage failure include a lack of communication, financial issues, the circumstances of the marriage, and even society as a whole.  All of these issues can exist even in a great marriage, but if they are not dealt with properly, the marriage is more likely to crumble around you.

Let’s briefly examine those 4 factors leading to marriage failure.

1. Communication

The #1 key to a great marriage is good communication. It is so important to the success of a marriage.  Without proper communication, conflict resolution becomes a difficult issue.  If the couple lacks the communication skills necessary to resolve their problems, then even the smallest problems will become show stoppers.  Communication also allows a relationship to grow and thrive by giving the partners an opportunity to share their dreams, concerns, hopes, and desires with each other.  Without sharing in this way, a couple will not grow as close together as possible.

Communication also gives the couple a healthy way to resolve their disagreements.  If one or both partners lack effective communications skills, it becomes difficult to resolve arguments, because the couple is not able to understand each other’s point of view.  If the marriage is already on the skids, both partners in the marriage must be dedicated to working on their communication skills in order to improve or salvage their marriage.  The absence of effective communication techniques can lead to the failure of a marriage.

2. Financial

Love may conquer all but sometimes even love isn’t enough to save a marriage when there are significant financial concerns.  While financial concerns in and of themselves may not be the cause of a failed marriage, the tension that they create is often the starting point in a failed marriage.  Financial concerns can be a heavy burden to bear and when a couple is struggling to meet their financial obligations, there can be a tremendous amount of pressure in the relationship.  This pressure may be enough to destroy an otherwise healthy marriage.

If one of the partners in the marriage becomes obsessed with the marital finances they can begin to neglect other needs of the marriage.  This neglectful behavior has the effect of making the other partner feel lonely, or even ignored. This obviously leads to problems in other areas like communication and trust.

3. Wrong Reasons

When the decision to marry is based on something other than true love, it is likely that the marriage will fail.  Two common examples of marriage circumstances that often lead to failure are (a) getting married because there is a baby on the way, or (b) because the couple is feeling pressured by friends and family members.  Neither of these reasons are truly valid reasons for marriage and often lead to failure.  When a couple marries for reasons other than true love, the marriage is often doomed before it starts.

Marrying at an early age is another reason why many marriages fail.  While the right age to marry varies greatly depending on the person, many people argue that the teens and early twenties are too early to get married.  Getting married before you have had a chance to enjoy many of life’s experiences can result in resentfulness in the marriage.

4. Society

A modern reason for many marriages to fail is that society no longer places importance on the institution of marriage.  It is now common for couples to live together and have children without being married.  This devalues marriage and results in a higher percentage of failed marriages.  With so little value placed on marriage in today’s society, couples are not committed to making their marriage work, and are often quick to give up on the marriage and each other.

Final Words

Many marriages today are doomed before they even begin.  Marriage is no longer seen as a necessary step in a relationship, so many couples are quick to divorce without making an honest effort to resolve their differences.  Communication breakdown, financial difficulties, and the circumstances of the marriage are also problems that can cause many marriages to fail.

If you want to see your marriage succeed, take the time to study. There are many excellent resources, including Grandpa Richard’s Relationships Website. Visit today and learn how to improve your relationship.

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This Incident has been confirmed. In  Katy , TX . As a  woman was putting gas in her car, a man came over and  offered his services as a painter, and had his business card  in his hand. She said no, but accepted his card out of  kindness and got in the car.  The man then got into a car  driven by another gentleman.   As the lady left the service  station, she saw the men following her out of the station at  the same time.   Almost immediately, she started to feel  dizzy and could not catch her breath.  She tried to  open  the window and realized that the odor was on her hand; the  same hand which accepted the card from the gentleman at  the gas station. She then  noticed the men were immediately behind her and  she felt she needed to do something at that moment.  She  drove into the first driveway and began to honk her horn  repeatedly to ask for help..  The men drove away but the  lady still felt  pretty bad for several minutes after she  could finally catch her breath.  Apparently,  there was a  substance on the card that could have seriously injured her.  This drug is  called ‘BURUNDANGA ‘  and it is used by  people who wish to incapacitate a victim in order to steal  from or take advantage of them. This drug is four times dangerous than the date rape drug  and is transferable on simple cards.   So take heed and make sure you don’t accept business cards  at any given time alone or from someone on the streets.  This applies to those making house calls and slipping you a card when they offer their services.     PLEASE SEND THIS E-MAIL ALERT AND TO EVERY FEMALE YOU KNOW.

or the first time in over 18 years, Congress has held hearings on the use of Corporal Punishment in U.S. Schools. In the coming weeks, Rep. Carolyn McCarthy (NY) will introduce a bill to institute a federal ban of corporal punishment in all US Schools. [source: US Congressional Hearing]

Every 20 seconds of the school day, a child is beaten by an educator. Every 4 minutes, an educator beats a child so severely that she seeks medical attention. According to conservative reporting to the U.S. Department of Education 223,190 students were the victims of institutionalized violence at least once in the 2006-2007 school year, of which over 20,000 sought medical attention. [source: Office for Civil Rights at the US Dept. of Education; Congressional Testimony]

Pre-school age through high school, students are being beaten with boards, belts, paddles, and whips… in public schools… in the United States… and while corporal punishment has been repeatedly shown to be ineffective and has deleterious effects on students, the practice continues and is legal in 20 states.

The iron age practice of “corporal punishment” is still legal in 20 states and there are no federal laws prohibiting it. The National Association of School Nurses defines corporal punishment as “the intentional infliction of physical pain as a method of changing behavior. It may include methods such as hitting, slapping, punching, kicking, pinching, shaking, use of various objects (paddles, belts, sticks, or others), or painful body postures.”

From infractions as dangerous as forgetting a pencil to prom dress code violations, students are being beaten across the country. All of this, of course is without any due process, court hearing, and often the parents have no say in the matter. Did I mention that corporal punishment is outlawed in the US legal system, and even felons convicted of rape or murder can sleep soundly knowing they will never be subject to the same kinds of beatings we routinely doll out to our children in public schools. Not to mention that 97 out of the 100 largest US School districts have banned corporal punishment. [source: Center for Effective Discipline]

The United States stands alone in the developed world — Canada, Europe, the UK, Australia and 102 other countries have long since outlawed the practice. [source:] The United Nations, Parent Teacher Association, American Civil Liberties Union, American Association of Pediatrics and countless other organizations have strong positions against the use of corporal punishment. [source:Center for Effective Discipline]

The American Psychological Association opposes the use of corporal punishment in schools and asserts that corporal punishment is violent and unnecessary, may lower self-esteem, is liable to instil hostility and rage without reducing the undesired behavior and is likely to train children to use physical violence.

In fact, the majority of research suggests that corporal punishment has little to no positive long term effects, actually decreases the effectiveness of other forms of punishment, and introduces a whole mess of other complications including increased drop out rates. Why then do some schools insist on using an ineffective, outdated practice? Since 30 states currently outlaw corporal punishment, what is so different in the lagging 20? Are the students somehow worse behaved? Are the teachers less capable of non-violent classroom management?

The United States must join the rest of the developed world and implement a federal ban on corporal punishment. Dodging the issue and leaving it up to the states is irresponsible and neglectful to the hundreds of thousands of kids physically abused by the education system every year. The “States Rights Gambit” didn’t work for slavery or segregation, and it won’t work for this either.

As a nation we may be in violation of international law by our non-compliance with the United Nations International Covenant on Civil and Political Rights – which we signed and ratified in 1992. The UN’sCommittee on the Rights of the Child found that “[c]orporal punishment and other cruel or degrading forms of punishment are forms of violence and States must take all appropriate legislative, administrative, social and educatioal measures to eliminate them” [source: A Violent Education: Corporal Punishment of Children in U.S. Public Schools]

You can help spread awareness around this issue by sharing this article with friends, blogging about it yourself, and joining the Facebook Group

Additionally, contact your state representatives office, and let them know you support a Federal Ban on Corporal Punishment – this is a real chance to leave a human rights legacy you can be proud of.

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