Self-esteem: Boost your self-image with these 5 steps

Cognitive behavioral therapy techniques can help you unlearn thought patterns that contribute to low self-esteem. See examples of thoughts that can erode self-esteem and learn healthy substitutes.

By Mayo Clinic staff

Low self-esteem can negatively affect virtually every part of your life, including your relationships, your job and your health. But you can raise your self-esteem to a healthy level, even if you’re an adult who’s been harboring a negative self-image since childhood.

Changing the way you think — about yourself and your life — is essential to boosting self-esteem. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) techniques are especially helpful in changing unhealthy thinking and behavior patterns. These techniques are based on the idea that your feelings and behavior result from how you think about yourself and your life. Cognitive behavioral techniques can help you recognize, challenge and ultimately replace negative thoughts or inaccurate beliefs with more positive, realistic ones.

These five steps toward healthy self-esteem are based on cognitive behavioral therapy principles. As you go through these five steps, consider jotting down your thoughts, experiences and observations in a journal to help you use these steps more effectively.

Step 1: Identify troubling conditions or situations

Think about the conditions or situations that you find troubling and that seem to deflate your self-esteem, such as dreading a business presentation, frequently becoming angry or always expecting the worst. You may be struggling with a change in life circumstances, such as the death of a loved one, job loss or children leaving home, or a relationship with another person, such as a spouse, family member or co-worker.

Step 2: Become aware of beliefs and thoughts

Once you’ve identified troubling conditions or situations, pay attention to your thoughts related to them. This includes your self-talk — what you tell yourself — and your interpretation of what the situation means. Your thoughts and beliefs may be positive, negative or neutral. They may be rational — based on reason or facts — or irrational — based on false ideas.

Step 3: Pinpoint negative or inaccurate thinking

Notice when your thoughts turn toward the negative. Your beliefs and thoughts about a situation affect your reaction to it. Negative thoughts and beliefs about something or someone can trigger physical, emotional and behavioral responses, such as:

• Physical responses. These may include muscle tension, a sore back, racing heart, stomach problems, sweating or changes in sleeping patterns.
• Emotional responses. These may include difficulty concentrating, or feeling depressed, angry, sad, nervous, guilty or worried.
• Behavioral responses. These may include eating when not hungry, avoiding tasks, working more than usual, spending increased time alone, obsessing about a situation or blaming others for your problems.

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The Importance of Self Esteem – why it matters

by Karl Perera

I think self esteem is central to everything you do. It affects your behaviour and thoughts. It changes how you feel about and value yourself.

Can you imagine anything else so important?

Why should self esteem matter to you?

• Self esteem can be the difference between success and failure
• Esteem can affect your thinking, causing your outlook to be positive or negative
• Esteem affects your confidence
• It affects your self image
• If you do not value yourself how will you be able to value others?
• Self esteem enables you to have the right attitude to succeed at work
• It affects your happiness

Let’s take a moment or two to look a bit more closely at what  I’ve said above – and then I hope that you will appreciate just how important self esteem is to you.

Your potential to achieve what you most desire is directly related to your self esteem. On the other hand, failure is much more likely when you suffer from low self esteem because you will believe others when they tell you why you cannot succeed. Work onbuilding your self esteem and success can be that much easier.

I’m sure you realise the importance of positive thinking. Increase your esteem and you will become more positive. This will benefit you in every area of your life. Read more about optimism here.

Do you Have a Problem with Self Confidence?

Self esteem affects your confidence, how important is that? If you want to rise to any challenge you must believe in yourself. Without confidence in what you can do and in who you are what chance do you have of happiness or success?

Want to increase your confidence? Click to read my review of a free confidence course I found really helpful

Self image is another important part of how you feel about yourself. Low self esteem means that you will have a poor image of yourself and this will result in a loss of confidence. Your social skills will also suffer and you will find it harder to socialize because others will respond negatively to your lack of confidence.

To learn more read this page about feeling good about yourself.

Self esteem will also help you at work. Your confidence and positive attitude will enable you to look and feel your best. You will have no trouble presenting yourself in a favourable light because you will be full of self respect and comfortable with who you are.

Do you Value yourself?

Value yourself, your ability and your contribution in the world because you are unique. Do you understand this? You cannot value and respect others unless you first value and respect yourself.

Finally, one last reason why your self esteem is so important. It will help you be a happier person. To find out why read this page about moods and how they affect your thoughts and behaviour.

I hope that this short article has been helpful to you. Take a look around at the rest of the site which is filled with information about different aspects of self esteem. I suggest the following pages:

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Studies show that those who score higher on tests measuring self-esteem tend to experience healthier, more successful relationships. Therefore, today’s relationship advice topic is: Do you like yourself?

If you want to have a successful relationship with your partner then you need to have a relationship with yourself first. You need to love yourself before others can love you. You must learn to have a loving relationship with yourself if you want your relations to be successful. Do not grow wait to grow to love someone or wait to be happy in the future when certain goals are met such as getting married, having a baby, or your spouse stops drinking. Thinking certain outcomes will act as a “crazy glue” to “fix” your relationships will ultimately end in disappointmet.

Forget setting conditions, can you find happiness in your current situation? Learn to be proactive in creating your own happiness independent of others; do not wait for things to happen your way. If you are envious of others and think some folks seemingly have it made, you may be surprised to learn how unhappy they are when you scratch the surface. In addition, that person may be just as envious of someone else! Perhaps they are envious of you! As you can see, it’s an ugly cycle?

How Do You Learn To Have a Healthy Relationship With Yourself?

It doesn’t take a relationship advice guru to understand that low self-esteem manifests itself in many negative ways. To illustrate my point, allow me to offer two scenarios and tell me which you prefer. Person number one carries all the grief in the world, thereby emanating negativity from every pore. Naturally, the more negative vibes this person emanates, the more other people distance themselves from them. As person number one experiences more distancing and rejection from others, the more negative they become, resulting in a clear self-fulfilling prophecy.

Scenario number two is the exact opposite, featuring a person who emanates positivity and manages to place even negative events in a rational perspective. This person understands that they will never be rich enough, smart enough, or thin enough to meet arbitrary societal expectations, so they simply get on with living their lives. As a result, they seem (and are) more free than person number one because they do not overly concern themselves with fitting in all the time. Such folks are the definition of dynamic, and they exude an energy that attracts others because people are drawn to their uniqueness and individualism. Again, it’s a self-fullfilling prophecy, but a positive one!

Another way to improve your relationship with yourself is to help others. Learn to be a good listener. Good listeners are, by definition, emotionally available and attentive to the needs of others. If you know how to listen well, you will find people opening up to you and coming to you for support. Over time, you will earn the respect and admiration of others which in turn boosts your sense of self.

Generally speaking, loving and helping others is loving and helping yourself. For example, I feel better about myself when I help others. As a therapist, I find that helping others is its own reward. Remember, the world returns your energy! For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, so if you learn to love yourself, the world will love you back!

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Ten Characteristics of Successful Relationships

By: Lisa Kift, MFT

As a couple’s therapist, I’ve seen a myriad of relationships styles. People who come in for counseling are clearly looking to change something they see problematic in their partnership. The problems range from the relatively benign tweaks in communication to serious pain and trust violations due to infidelity and all sorts of issues in between. Filtering through all of this, I’ve identified ten characteristics of successful relationships. These qualities are integral parts of a healthy relationship foundation and I believe increase the chances of weathering the storms that life inevitably dishes out.

The ten characteristics are as follows and are in no particular order:

1) Friendship: Couples who have a strong friendship have staying power. They not only love each other but genuinely like each other as people. They enjoy hanging out together. They might even consider each other their “best friend.”

2) Humor: Partners who can make each other laugh tend to be good at de-escalating conflicts when they do arise. It’s the great mood lightener. I’ve noticed the use of funny nicknames can be an indicator of great fondness for one another. The names often stem from a “you had to be there” moment from the beginning of their relationship.

3) Communication: As obvious as this may seem, many couples are not very good at it. Those who are able to openly express their feelings in an emotionally safe environment typically deal with situations as they come up and avoid burying frustrations which always have a way of coming out at some point.

4) Chore Sharing: Those who divvy up the household or parenting responsibilities in a way that is mutually agreed upon way are less likely to hold resentments about what they perceive as “unfair.” Each participates (albeit maybe begrudgingly) and both contribute to the relationship in this way.

5) Sexual Intimacy: Couples who have their sexual needs met or at least have negotiated a reasonable compromise if their levels of need aren’t compatible, feel taken care of by the other. Some are highly active, engaging in lovemaking multiple times a week and others are content with far less. There is no “right” or “wrong” amount. However, often times a negotiation is needed to make sure no one feels neglected by the other.

6) Affection: Partners who stay in physical contact in some way throughout the day have appeared to be the happiest ones. These moments don’t need to necessarily lead to sexual intimacy but are rather easy ways to say, “I love you,” without the words. These moments can be invaluable, especially these days when everyone seems to be racing around to get “somewhere.” Whether it’s a hug, kiss, swat on the rear, tussle of the hair or a sit on the lap, these acts of affection keep couples connected when life gets crazy.

7) No “Horsemen of the Apocalypse:” This is a term coined by a famous couples researcher named John Gottman (The Gottman Institute -) who claims to be able to predict divorce with incredible accuracy. His “four horsemen of the apocalypse” are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. His research has shown that couples who demonstrate a high level of these in their relationships are in big trouble.

8) Mutual and Separate Friends: Partners who socialize with other couples and also maintain separate friendships have greater balance in regards to honoring themselves as individuals, within the relationship. This leads to more self satisfaction which translates to relationship satisfaction.

9) Reliability: Most of us want follow-through with our friendships and our partners. If couples do what they say and say what they do, they create an atmosphere of comfort in knowing their words mean something to the other.

10) Relationship Vision: It’s interesting the number of couples I’ve seen who don’t seem to have the big picture of their relationship in mind. Where do they see themselves in ten year? What are their relationship goals? Couples who have created a relationship vision for themselves know where they’re going as they’ve planned it together. They get joy out of reaching for their goals as a team and are less likely to be derailed by surprises down the line.

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Avoid Marital Suicide

At some point in most marital relationships one or both partners question whether they made the right choice in a partner or not. In many cases the stress is high in the relationship and an individual or both partners begin to feel that the best option is to end their relationship and get a divorce (what I have termed marital suicide). In far too many cases these couples haven’t been married very long and they are dealing with the initial pains and trials of marriage.

Unfortunately, what these couples do not realize is that their relationship pains will NOT go away by getting a divorce. They will surface in a new relationship. Consequently, if a couple can survive the initial pains and trials in their marriage they can find the happiness and success they long for. Below are some suggestions to help you survive the initial pains.

a) Listen to each other. Seriously try understanding your partner’s pains and trials.
b) Take responsibility and stop doing the things you do that bothers or hurts your spouse.
c) Be kind and show empathy toward your spouse. If they don’t reciprocate show more love.
d) Don’t criticize your spouse. Criticism will ruin a marriage. Recognize that your spouse won’t be perfect.
e) Find ways to serve your spouse even if you don’t want to. In serving your spouse you might rekindle some of the feelings you felt for each other while you were dating or earlier in your marriage.
f) Search within yourself and remember the deep feelings of love you once had for your spouse.

Good luck! Marital suicide can be prevented.

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Love is  For You

Medical Studies support the fact that an active sex life leads to a longer and happier life. Using green products that can both increase libido and enhance sexual experiences have a far reaching affect on your overall health and well being. Benefits include:

• Stronger immune response
• Better heart health
• Reduction of chronic pain
• Lower incidence of depression
• Decreased fear and anxiety and have a greater
  sense of well-being

Read more about the benefits of sexual enhancement.

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Importance of Sex in a Relationship

The importance of sex in a relationship is completely subjective. What one person might consider a crucial factor, another may dismiss altogether. How much sex matters within your own relationship is something only you can decide. Generally, the longer a couple has been together, the more important sex become – for a number of reasons. However, some women and men think it’s the key to a great connection.

While many women joke that sex is more important to men, this is not always the case. There are many, many women who are ready to go at any moment, willing to share an intimate moment with their partner whenever possible. If you and your partner have sex frequently, you may consider it a huge part of your lives. Sex is not just physical; it can also be an emotional and mental adventure that brings you closer to your partner.

On the other hand, if you and your partner rarely have sex, it may sit at the bottom of your priority list. If this works for the relationship, then there’s nothing to worry about. However, if infrequent contact is causing a problem, then sex may be more important to you than you think. Even though you may steer clear of the issue, it might be time to raise these concerns with your partner. In many cases, you may discover that something is bothering your partner, leading to a decrease in sexual contact.

Unfortunately, many women are pressured by peers and society to have sex x-number of times per week or per month. Imagine yourself among a group offriends, divulging your deepest of secrets. One friend reveals that she and her partner find time for intercourse at least once per day. You soon start to worry about your weekly adventure and go home with your timeframe weighing heavily on your mind. It’s a very common situation. Friends, authors, and experts all have their own ideas about what constitutes a healthy relationship, but their opinions are simply that: opinions.

If you’re happy with your sex life, then you have nothing to worry about. Even if you and your partner are practicing abstinence, or you are saving yourself for marriage, the choice is yours. While sex may not be a significant part of your life now, it will likely gain importance as time goes on. Let your own conscience be your guide. If you and your partner are content with the situation – no matter what that is – then you may have already found your answer.

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• “Is there a biological foundation to depression? The pharmaceutical industry’s direct-to-consumer advertising would have one believe that not only is depression a biological phenomenon, but that the specific medications they are advertising can remedy the disorder. Just take a pill and the sun begins to shine! However, this slim volume by Leventhal and Martell indicates that the answer may not be so straightforward. In the tradition of Thomas Szasz (The Myth of Mental Illness, rev. ed., 1974), the authors take a very controversial position by questioning the biological basis for depression. They regard the scientific research supporting the biological view as weak. This view, however, is quite profitable for drug companies. After questioning the scientific validity of the biological research and calling into question the motives of the pharmaceutical industry, the authors proclaim an alternative treatment for depression–behavior therapy. This is not surprising, given their training and background. Perhaps most important is the authors’ daring to put forward an argument that counters big pharma and the biotech industry. They raise questions about the extent of market influence on scientific theory and research. This clearly written volume contains several instructive appendixes. Recommended. Lower-level undergraduates and up.”
  —Choice 10/1/2006
• “[T]wo prominent and prestigious clinical psychologists, dissociate themselves from the nation’s mainstream mental health establishment, and in harsh, no-holds-barred rhetoric, accuse the medical and psychiatric professions of scandalous, irresponsible, and duplicitious collusion with the drug industry to promote a biological disease model of despression, anxiety, and related disorders requiring costly unnecessary medication validated by dubious research studies. This book should be required reading for all potential prescribers of antidepressants and also for all potential consumers of antidepressants.”

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The Power of Pleasure in Relationships, Work & Yourself

By Douglas Weiss in Happiness on April 5th, 2007 / No Comments

Pleasure is often an unseen force that makes things happen. That it�s invisible doesn�t in any way mitigate the fact that there�s real power involved. By way of analogy, let�s talk about a couple of other unseen powers that you encounter regularly in your daily life.

You can feel the wind at times, and you can hear it on some days as well. There are few things that feel better than a cool breeze on a beach or in the mountains. Yet the wind is absolutely unseen. You can, however, witness its impact and even harness its great power. I know that many of us were amazed by a pinwheel for at least a few moments during our childhood. We would watch this almost flower-shaped object that by itself wasn�t all that engaging. Then the wind would come along and catch it, and the pinwheel would spin and spin. The harder the wind blew, the faster the little pinwheel would work.

Humankind has made greater applications of the pinwheel in modern times. The unseen power of the air moves large windmills, creating enough energy to power a house or even entire neighborhoods if it�s used intelligently. Gravity is another unseen �stealth� power. You meet with this force on a daily basis. Every time you put yourself on the scale, you experience its power. As you walk, play, or throw things, gravity is in place – it�s a real power, and you never win when you come into conflict with it. Like the wind, gravity is unseen but has an important place in your life. . . .

I could go on and on about the effects of the many unseen powers that are around us every day, but I think you get the point.

Pleasure is one of these very significant powers. You can�t see it, but you can realize its impact. What pushes a person to run, swim, eat sweets, shop, or meditate? . . . It�s pleasure that motivates these behaviors. You can�t observe it with your eyes, but its power can be one of the largest influence in your life and in the lives of those you love.

The power of pleasure is at work daily – it�s consistently but invisibly in your life. It drives you at times but can�t be perceived directly. It helps you make both major and minor decisions about how you spend your time, energy, and money. Occasionally, the power of pleasure also dictates your choice of relationships.

You see, your life is like that pinwheel: There�s an invisible wind propelling you. As you continue to read on, your eyes may open to seeing the power of pleasure in your life. You�ll come to look upon it as the unseen driver of your car. You�ll also be able to harness it so that you can lead a life of ongoing enjoyment. You were created for pleasure, just as the pinwheel was created for the wind.

Once you understand and harness your pleasure zones and get them to work for you, your life can be transformed. Imagine a life that�s balanced and takes you from pleasure to pleasure.

Because we don�t understand pleasure, we can often suffer the consequences of not managing its power, which is something one of my clients experienced. Mary was a 42-year-old television producer who was divorced and trying to raise two teenagers in a major city. Her job was very challenging: She met lots of different people every week and talked on the phone for hours a day. In addition, she had to deal with her ex-husband, boyfriend, and children and still try to stay in shape.

When introduced to the pleasure-zone theory, Mary was sure she had a �doughnut and coffee� pleasure zone. Of course, she was half-kidding. Mary really had a private battle with burnout, being angry with her children, and generally feeling fatigued. These are classic symptoms of living outside of one�s pleasure zone.

In talking to Mary, I asked her when she�d felt more balanced and happy in life. Surprisingly, she said that she�d felt this way when she was married. Even though her ex-husband was intolerable and immature, he always used to rub her back for 10 to 30 minutes a night. He�d sometimes massage her deeply and other times scratch or lightly touch her. Regardless, this physical contact deeply recharged her, as her primary sensory-pleasure zone was touch.

Since she�d gotten divorced, the touching had disappeared. She didn�t let her new boyfriend give her a massage because it was too early in the relationship and she didn�t trust him entirely yet. So Mary went over her schedule to see when she had free time. She realized that since she worked late on Thursdays, she didn�t have to go in to work on Fridays until noon. She made a plan to have a deep-tissue massage every Friday morning for six weeks to see if indulging her pleasure zone of deep touch made a difference in her life. She found a very safe, skilled massage therapist, and it didn�t even take Mary the whole six weeks to find her life more in balance and to begin to feel better and more relaxed at work and home. She liked her therapist so much that she made a six-month commitment, agreeing to pay for the services even if she didn�t show up every Friday at 9 A.M.

Mary hadn�t been aware of the need for this pleasure zone in her life. When she was able to see and manage it, life became better for her and for those depending on her.

Why Should You Understand Your Pleasure Zones?
Here�s the question I get asked the most: Why should I understand my pleasure zones, Dr. Doug? Well, I want to address this early on in the book. You�re about to take a journey over the next several pages as we discuss your very important pleasure zones – why should you embark on it? Let�s just talk about a few of the reasons.

Relationships
We�re in relationships with numerous individuals during our lives, including our spouse, parents, neighbors, friends, co-workers, acquaintances, and others we see on a semi-regular basis. Now most of us don�t think about our power to make these people�s lives better or worse. Actually, if we�re honest with ourselves, rarely do we even contemplate how we affect them.

Yet we do. Take my clients, for example: They fly from all over the world to come see me and the team of therapists who work beside me. I impact their lives while they�re with me and hopefully long after our meetings. If I�m not living in my pleasure zones, several things can happen:

• I can get resentful about being at the office.
• I can look for ways to cut things shorter with my clients than I need to.
• I can lack focus, which provides a poorer quality of service.
• My creativity can suffer, limiting solutions for my clients.
• I can act short with both my clients and my staff.

All of this could leave the emotional environment at my office tense instead of pleasant. Even if you�re smart and aware of pleasure zones, by not applying them, you can negatively affect your relationships.

Apply this notion to your home. If as a parent you�re less aware or focused on your children�s world, you may tolerate their existence instead of celebrating them – doing just another math-homework problem or science project. Also, as a spouse, if you�re outside of your pleasure zones, you�re less fun to be with or talk to.

Because you�re outside your pleasure zones, you can get extremely selfish. You�re less likely to be �part of the team� around the house when there are things that need to be done. You�re more apt to be critical of your partner and focus on what he or she isn�t doing. Most of us who�ve been married for a while know what it�s like when our spouse is outside of their pleasure zone – and it�s usually not good.

Work
Many of us are working day in and day out. When we�re not in our pleasure zone, our job is definitely impacted. Meeting deadlines can seem depressing, instead of challenging and rewarding. Our �good� boss might somehow turn out to be less likable when we�re out of our pleasure zone.

I know one man who was so far outside of it that he actually snapped at his boss and the other people on his team. This not only impacted his work relationships, it also got him fired!

Your ability to creatively communicate and solve problems can get also jammed. Your productivity decreases, which doesn�t help the way you feel about yourself. Although there are many great reasons to embrace your unique pleasure zones, being productive and enjoying your work is a good enough one. I know that when I stay in my zone, I get more book and conference ideas. As I manage the unseen power of pleasure, my productivity goes through the roof. I know when I�m �pleasure zoning� because I�m able to keep things growing positively in my office – it�s great!

Yourself
One of the best reasons to stay in your unique pleasure zone is for your own sake. You have to value and celebrate yourself regularly. You exist in a limited time and space for pleasure. When you abandon yourself and live outside your primary pleasure zones, you are impacted. You feel physically less vibrant and healthy, and you lose some of your perkiness. Emotionally, you�re prone to becoming more pessimistic.

I think to some degree we each innately see the world more positively or negatively. My wife would rate me as a 12 on an optimism scale of 1 to 10. I love life! Problems are challenges that lead to rewards; failure is temporary, if it�s real at all . . . and so on. Yet if I abandon my pleasure zones, my level of optimism drops significantly.

I begin to ask questions: Why bother? Why push so hard? Why not sell everything and live in the mountains? The crazy, pessimistic thoughts begin coming in because I�m living outside of my pleasure zone. My mental sharpness, wit, and humor also are impacted. I generally don�t feel good about myself or my life, relationships, work, family, or projects.

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Father’s Care
by Charles A. Smith

Involvement, influence, and affection: three keys to father-child relationships. Though they may sometimes find it difficult to express their feelings, most fathers care about their children and families.

In a 1980 Gallup poll, six out of ten fathers said their families were “the most important element of my life at this time.” Only 8 percent said their families were unimportant to them. When asked what they found  most satisfying about their families, fathers rated “children,” “closeness,” and “being together” as personally important. [1] This hearty endorsement of family life contradicts some of the traditional roles or popular images of fathers in our society: The Wallet: This father is preoccupied with providing financial support for his family. He may work long hours to bring home his paycheck and does not take an active part in caring for the children. Making money provides this father with a distraction from family involvement. The Rock: This is a “tough” father – strict on discipline and in charge of the family. He may also believe that a good father remains emotionally distant from his children, so expressions of affection are taboo.

The Dagwood Bumstead: This father tries to be a “real pal” to his children, but his efforts are often clumsy or extreme. He doesn’t understand his children and feels confused about what to do. He may also feel that he is not respected within the family.

These traditional stereotypes are now clashing with another image of a father:

The Caregiver: This father tries to combine toughness with tenderness. He enjoys his children but is not afraid to set firm but fair limits. He and his wife may cooperate in childrearing and homemaking.

This type of father has always been around. But the number of men who choose this role is increasing. Many fathers today recognize that family life can be rewarding and that their children need their involvement.

This shift in roles is influenced by two major social changes: the increase in the number of women working and the rising divorce rate. As more and more mothers join the work force, fathers are being asked to take on more responsibilities at home. In 1979, 40 percent of the mothers of children under age 3 were employed.[2] Instead of remaining on the fringe of family life, many fathers are helping more with child care and housekeeping.

Fathers are also profoundly influenced by the escalating divorce rate.[3] For every two marriages there is now one divorce – a tripling of the divorce rate between 1960 and 1980. If they are not directly involved in a divorce, most men have friends who are. They witness the loss their friends have experienced and reexamine the importance of their own family relationships. Remarriage and stepfathering are also creating new challenges for many fathers.

Because of these changes in our society, many men are being forced to develop family relationships that are quite different from those they had with their own fathers. They cannot easily fall back on their own childhood experiences for guidance. What worked very well for their fathers 20 or 30 years ago may not work at all with the kinds of challenges fathers face today.

These changes in social attitudes mean that men have more options for meeting their obligations as fathers and husbands. Some men will express their feelings more openly, while others will be more reserved; some will enjoy the companionship and play of very young children, while others will prefer involvement with older sons and daughters. Fathers do not have to try to fit a certain stereotyped pattern.

According to sociologist Lewis Yablonsky, a man’s fathering style is influenced by some or all of the following forces: his enthusiasm for being a father, his own father’s behavior, the images of how to be a father projected by the mass media, his occupation, his temperament, the way family members relate to each other, and the number of children he has.[4] No single style of fathering or mothering, no matter how ideal it appears, is right for everyone.

Regardless of their personal style, most fathers are interested in having a satisfying relationship with their children. Although they might not be able to put it into words, most fathers know they are important to their children. According to psychotherapist Will Schutz, a good relationship needs three things: involvement, respect and influence, and affection.[5]

Involvement: The Foundation of a Relationship

The first step in any relationship is the feeling by both persons that the other is interested in them and wants to be with them.
Many fathers begin to prepare for this kind of relationship before their child is even born. A father who seeks involvement is interested in his wife’s pregnancy and makes preparations for the child’s birth. When the child is born he is eager to hold the infant. In countless small ways, this father demonstrates involvement – he may gently touch and play with his children, hold and talk to them. By doing these things he sends a clear and emphatic message:

I want to be your father. I am interested in you. I enjoy being with you. You and I have a relationship that is important to me.

Every child wants to sense this type of involvement from his or her father and mother. Without it, a child feels isolated and rejected. The foundation of the relationship crumbles.

What the Research Shows
Research on father-child involvement demonstrates that [6]:

(1) Fathers are significant for children;

(2) Fathers are sensitive to children;

(3) Fathers play with children differently than mothers do.

These differences in play continue as the child grows older. Fathers may vigorously bounce and lift a 1- or 2-year-old in rough and tumble physical play; mothers may prefer to play conventional games like “peek-a-boo,” offer an interesting toy, or read. Fathers’ play appears to be more physically stimulating while mothers are more interested in teaching.

As a result, children seem to prefer fathers as play partners, though in a stressful situation they may be more likely to turn to their mothers. This preference could be due to fathers spending a greater proportion of their time playing with their children than mothers. One researcher noted that about 40 percent of a father’s time with his young children was spent in play in contrast to about 25 percent of the mother’s time. Even though fathers may spend less total time in play than mothers, their type of play and their apparent interest in that type of involvement make them attractive play partners.

There are, of course, exceptions to this pattern. Some men simply do not enjoy playing with children, and some mothers may prefer an arousing, physical form of child play. Also, when both parents work, the additional demands on the family could affect the amount of time one or both parents spend enjoying their children.

Suggestions for Fathers

How can fathers become more involved with their children? First, they can give each of their children exclusive attention as often as possible. During their time together fathers could enjoy their children’s company without allowing outside distractions to interfere. As a result, their children would feel noticed and special. There is no single formula for how this might be accomplished. A father and child might play, talk, learn a skill or read together. What is important is that they notice each other and acknowledge a common interest. This type of undistracted attention promotes a sense that each is important to the other.
Fathers might also give their children a glimpse of their work world. Children want to know what life is like outside the home and what their parents do at work. Many farm families and small businesses include their children in the operation at an early age. Parents in other occupations may find it more difficult to give their children a glimpse of their work, but even brief visits or tours will help. Business and industry are gradually beginning to acknowledge that many workers are parents too, and that adjustment in this role can have a positive effect on work performance. Some industries provide day care centers for children of their employees. Both mothers and fathers are able to visit their children during breaks.

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