Usually we enter relationships hoping they will make us happy. We hope that this person is the right one, that we aren’t repeating mistakes of the past, and that finally we will receive the love, support, companionship and admiration we have been searching for. Each person has a shopping list of hopes and expectations, and while those are being fulfilled, everyone is happy.

Although this is kind of approach to relationships is normal, it usually brings disappointment because happiness is fleeting. It comes and goes. It has to, because happiness depends upon circumstances. When things go well, we are happy. When we get what we want, when the sun is shining, others value us, our boss is approving, our boyfriend finally pops the question, these are moments of happiness.

Joy is different. It doesn’t come and go. It doesn’t depend upon outer circumstances to be present. When things are difficult, when our hopes are not fulfilled, it is still possible to feel joyful. Joy is a premade, positive decision we have already committed to about ourselves, and the world we live in. It involves taking responsibility for our lives and relationships.

How much joy do you have in your love life? If you want to increase it and make your relationship stronger than ever, here are five ways to find joy in relationships:

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The lights must be off and bedcovers pulled up tight around their neck because they feel so self-conscious about their body size and shape. When really all their man wants is some fun and pleasure – and deep down that’s what they want too!

Critical life events can damage body image

Some critical life events damage our feelings about our bodies even more. The biggest culprits are: 1) when we first meet someone, 2) our wedding day, 3) and post-pregnancy.

When we start seeing someone new, all we can think about is that they’ll find us attractive. It’s often a time we get obsessed with our body size and shape – and whether we’re good enough.

Once we’re over that hurdle, many get over-the-top anxiety about how we’ll look on our wedding day. So much wasted energy when you’ll be sizzling with the excitement of the day anyway!

But for others our long-term struggle with our body image comes post-pregnancy when our bundles of joy have wreaked havoc with our bodies!

This can be so damaging to our confidence and we’re torn between knowing we shouldn’t diet and yet wanting to have our pre-baby bodies back. I know I’ve been there! The brilliant news is there is lots you can do about your body image.

Begin with your type of body image negativity

Although women fret about their bodies for loads of reasons in my experience there are two big ones. Think honestly, are your body image worries are more about being a perfectionist or more about self-loathing or dislike?

If you’re basically a perfectionist you set yourself incredibly high standards in all areas of your life. Overall be gentler on yourself. If you have low self-esteem and don’t like yourself, then you simply can’t see any good in yourself including your physique. Overall strive to look for the positives in yourself.

Read more: Body image: in the eye of the beholder? http://www.ivillage.co.uk/relationships/sex/sexdil/articles/0,,171_718421,00.html#ixzz0rDUbSWra

Anti-suicide Facebook group elicits positive messages

An effort by a Canadian woman to reach out via Facebook to an apparently suicidal illegal immigrant in the United States has become a mini online sensation, garnering support from tens of thousands of people in only a few days.

The online discussions demonstrate how social media can serve as the nexus of deeply emotional and political issues, and how widely used sites such as Facebook are considerably more powerful in connecting people than specialized websites, such as those run by anti-suicide groups, says one expert.

Kimberly Furnell of Nanaimo, B.C., created the Facebook group “please don’t jump,” after she saw a message online from an anonymous poster claiming to be an illegal alien that detailed plans to jump off San Francisco’s Golden Gate Bridge.

“I just didn’t feel I could brush my teeth and go to bed,” said Furnell. “It was horrible.”

She saw the message on postsecret.com, a blog that each week displays secrets anonymously sent in on postcards.

The postcard that prompted Furnell to start the Facebook group featured an image of a globe, each continent identified by a bright colour.

Pasted on top of the globe were lines of typed words cut from a larger sheet that read, “I have lived in San Francisco since I was young . . . I am illegal . . . I am not wanted here. I don’t belong anywhere. This summer I plan to jump off the Golden Gate.”

On June 5 at 11 p.m., Furnell created the group, hoping the individual would see it and reconsider, and for anyone who felt as if they did not belong.

The page has since exploded, with nearly 47,000 members from across the globe as of June 11, with an outpouring of support.

“Particularly with what’s going on in the United States, and especially in Arizona, with the criminalization of illegal immigrants, the suicide note is as much a personal statement as it is a political statement,” said Lisa Lynch, an assistant professor of journalism at Concordia University in Montreal and a social-media expert.

“It’s as much a political act to say you’re going to kill yourself because you’re living in a country illegally and feel unwanted, as it is a cry of despair.”

While “slacktivism” — a term used to describe the growing trend in taking political stand without looking away from a computer screen — is easily criticized, this is an example of how it can be effective, she said.

“You can’t create a page and democratize Iran, perhaps. But here’s and instance where, if this person is authentic and they see it, it may actually have an impact on their life.”

The Facebook page has elicited thousands of positive messages.

“Strangers everywhere love you and want you to keep living. When it gets hard, come here. Reach out. We’re waiting to help shoulder the burden,” writes one girl from Maryland.

Another girl, this one from Texas, offered her phone number and said, “Don’t jump . . . if i could drive i would sleep on the bridge until i saw you.”

Even if the individual in San Francisco who inspired the group doesn’t see the page, it has proven effective as a forum for people to discuss their own brushes with depression and suicidal thoughts, Lynch said.

“That’s what’s unique about Facebook, is its ability for over 40,000 people to find each other in a few days,” she said, noting that few people go to support group websites unless they are directly implicated.

But already, Furnell said she has received hundreds of e-mails telling her the group helped save their lives in dark moments.

Read more: http://www.vancouversun.com/life/Anti suicide Facebook group elicits positive messages/3151586/story.html#ixzz0r7WIU4yU

Posttraumatic stress disorder^[1][2] (post-traumatic stress disorder, PTSD) is a severe anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to any event that results in psychological trauma.^[3] This event may involve the threat of death to oneself or to someone else, or to one’s own or someone else’s physical, sexual, or psychological integrity,^[1] overwhelming the individual’s ability to cope. As an effect of psychological trauma, PTSD is less frequent and more enduring than the more commonly seen acute stress response.

Diagnostic symptoms for PTSD include re-experiencing the original trauma(s) through flashbacks or nightmares, avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma, and increased arousal – such as difficulty falling or staying asleep, anger, andhypervigilance. Formal diagnostic criteria (both DSM-IV and ICD-9) require that the symptoms last more than one month and cause significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.^[1]

Main article: Psychological trauma

PTSD is believed to be caused by either physical trauma or psychological trauma, or more frequently a combination of both.^[1] Possible sources of trauma include experiencing or witnessing childhood or adult physical, emotional or sexual abuse.^[1] In addition, experiencing or witnessing an event perceived as life-threatening such as physical assault, adult experiences of sexual assault, accidents, drug addiction, illnesses, medical complications, or employment in occupations exposed to war(such as soldiers) or disaster (such as emergency service workers).^{[citation needed]}

Traumatic events that may cause PTSD symptoms to develop include violent assault, kidnapping, sexual assault, torture, being a hostage, prisoner of war or concentration camp victim, experiencing a disaster, violent automobile accidents or getting a diagnosis of a life-threatening illness.^[1] Children may develop PTSD symptoms by experiencing bullying^[6] or sexually traumatic events like age-inappropriate sexual experiences.^[1] Multiple studies show that parental PTSD and other posttraumatic disturbances in parental psychological functioning can, despite a traumatized parent’s best efforts, interfere with their response to their child as well as their child’s response to trauma.^[7][8] Parents with violence-related PTSD may, for example, inadvertently expose their children to developmentally inappropriate violent media due to their need to manage their own emotional dysregulation.^[9]

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World Cup fever is everywhere, bringing hundreds of thousands of people from around the world to South Africa.

But not all of those people are tourists.

As many as 20,000 women have been trafficked into forced prostitution for the 2010 games in preparation for the influx of visitors. Some of these women entered South Africa on the promise of regular jobs, and upon arrival were drugged and held in private homes in preparation for “customers.”

It’s the tragic reality of a world in which millions of women are still treated as commodities to be bought, sold, and exploited at will.

Human rights activists on the ground are doing everything they can to fight back. An anti-trafficking hotline has been launched, where people can call for help on human trafficking-related issues as well as report suspicious activity. And in an effort to prevent the trafficking of South African children – most of whom are on a month-long holiday from school during the tournament – neighbors and churches have opened their doors to provide safe haven through the2010 Our Children Campaign.

There is much to admire about the World Cup, which is in many ways a peaceful demonstration that our similarities as people are more important than our differences.

But as we celebrate goals, we should also take the chance to celebrate our common humanity by dedicating ourselves to fight for freedom as hard as we fight for victory.

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Trust in each other gives strength and vitality to our relationships. It gives us inner happiness, which is priceless. It brings joy all around and life appears brighter and brighter. Its fragrance spreads far and wide. Trust keeps us in a positive mental framework. When you trust each other you feel self-confident. The feeling of believing others is electrifying. It not only provides sense of security but provides us new zeal to fight the vagaries of life. Trusting each other gives us a sense of deep bonding. It signifies that we are united to fight the battles ahead.

Trust is a synonym for warmth in our relationships.

With so many advantages of trusting each other, how do we feel when germs of mistrust appear? Life appears to be devoid of colour and lacks spontaneity. We behave with each other mechanically like robots .We constantly live with fear and tensions. We live in our shells and we are unable to share with each other. We live in suppressed condition, which inhibits the growth of our personality. As a result we are not able to contribute for the betterment of the society. We are unable to create a conducive atmosphere where there is transparency all around. A society whose foundation is built around trust is progressive and dynamic. Lack of trust signifies decay in the society.

Building up trust is not easy. A lot of conscious effort has to be made in this direction. We need to nurture our relationships with care. We should not let our ego destroy our relationships. This requires making constant efforts to know each other fully. The more we explore each other the more we can handle each others contradictions well. After all most of the problems in relationships occur because we do not want to open up. As a result we tend to look at others with doubt. We live in our own world of likes and dislikes, as we are not able to create a right balance. No doubt, people tend to view us with suspicion. If we are balanced and mature in our thoughts and action, people will trust us. For this we must shed the habit of finding fault with others even on a slight pretext. Instead we should identify and make others aware of their positive traits and strengths. This will enhance our credibility, which will lead to building trust. We must not indulge in unhealthy competition by trying to outwit each other. Instead we should master the art of rejoicing in the happiness of others. Good performance of others should spur us to act in a positive manner. Being jealous and competitive will be of no use as it will lead to destroying trust.

No one is perfect in todays era. If there would have been perfection all around then no trace of mistrust would have been present. We must build trust against the backdrop of limitations in our personalities. Mistrust is itself a reflection of our inadequacies and imperfections in handling our relationships with finesse. After all: reform begins at home. Let us reform ourselves by giving time to our relationships and thinking of ways to strengthen them. Trust will then follow naturally.

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Romance in a relationship is what keeps it on all four wheels. A relationship simply cannot grow and thrive without it. Men and women were made so differently that what comes natural to one, is a learning process for the other. It works both directions with different things. The key is learning to grow together. Finding out what the other person needs and putting actions behind the new-found knowledge. When you center your attentions and energies on the other person, it has a wonderful way of not only putting your relationship into overdrive, but a strange way of coming back to you. And that is wonderful too! Romance is the key. Here are a few helpful tips for you both:

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By Samuel Stoddard

Being romantic is hard work. Some people think that romance is easy, that anybody can be romantic with very little work. This is not true. To be romantic there are a lot of things you must know about romance and a lot of situations you must prepare for. For example, you and your beloved plan a date for next Friday night. You ask where she’d like to go. “Oh, I don’t know,” is her reply. “Surprise me. I know you’ll think of something special.” What do you do? Give up? Read on and learn the secrets of romance.

What Is Romance?

Romance is a nebulous thing with the curious property of being describable but not definable. We won’t muck with your head and try to suggest there’s an ultimate definitive definition out there. Some people will try to do just that and come up with some tidy little definition, like, “Romance is showing you care.” Sure, it sounds good at first, but although draping your coat over a puddle and asking if she remembered to brush her teeth that morning may be actions triggered by this same motivation, they rate distinctly differently on the romance scale.

Although it’s not so much a definition, as it is no more precise than the word “romance” itself, one way to describe romance succinctly is “what women want out of a relationship.” In other words, men aren’t romantic, and if you’re a man, that’s why you need this guide. If you’re a woman, of course, you were born with an innate knowledge of this stuff and need not read further.

But though romance may not be definable, there are still some hard fast rules. Below, we have documented many of the atomic elements of romance. Mix these ingredients up, and you’ve got it.

• Intrinsic Romance

  Some things are inherently romantic, like hearts. This is very useful, because you can pile things upon the object of your affections and win romance points without expending any additional effort or thought. The trick is to figure out what is romantic and what is not. There is a basic rule of thumb to follow: if it’s cool, it’s not romantic. For example, high powered rifles are not romantic. Science fiction is not romantic. DVD players are not romantic unless they’re playing Sleepless In Seattle.

  But a whole ton of things are intrinsically romantic, and you should use them to your advantage.

  • Cute Things

    Teddy bears are romantic. Puppies are romantic. Cherubic baby archers are romantic. Those photographs where two little kids exhibit an unnatural affection for each other and only the roses are in color are romantic.

    Taking advantage of the intrinsic romance in cute things obviously depends upon recognizing which things are cute. The rule is simple. Small things are cute. If you see a food product in a grocery store that comes in a smaller package than usual, get it, because there’s a very good chance it’s cute. The same goes for travel size shampoo, toothpaste, and so on. Find a store that sells doll house stuff, and your supply of cute things can be limitless.

  • Low Light

    Candles are romantic. Sunrises and sunsets are romantic. Any kind of low light, you see, is romantic, hence why dinner dates after dark are more romantic than lunch dates at noon. Combine low light sources, and it stands to reason that the air of romance will be so thick, your beloved will be blind to anything else but the radiance of her shimmering knight in armor. Open the curtains on a sunset and light some candles, and you might even be able to get away with watching a football game during dinner.

  • Red

    Red is romantic, because red is the color of love and passion. Consider roses. Red roses mean, “I love you.” Yellow roses mean, “Let’s just be friends,” which is synonymous with, “You are irritating, and I hate you.” So you do not want to be wrong. Get her red roses, red ribbons, red balloons, red teddy bears, red puppies, and red tickets to the World Series, and she’ll fall hopelessly under your spell.

  • Background Music

    Background music is romantic, and note the word “background,” because not just any music is romantic. For music to be romantic, it must be too soft to hear. Also, it may not be lively or funny or good. Elevator music is the most romantic genre of music out there.

  • Chocolates

    Chocolates are not only romantic, they’re complimentary. When you give a box of chocolates to your beloved, it says, “You could pig out on this tub of lard and bloat out to three tons, but you’d still be the apple of my eye.” It doesn’t matter if it’s true — it’s the message that counts. But the real reason to give your loved one chocolates is because any loved one worth her salt will turn right around and offer you some. It’s a win-win no matter how you look at it. Buy her a red one shaped like a heart, and you’re in like Flynn.

  • Fancy Curly Things

    Flair and flourishes are romantic. Whenever you get her a greeting card, get one of the ones with all the curly pink scribbles on it. When you write her letters, make the tails of the ‘g’s and ‘y’s really long and the loops in the ‘d’s and ‘b’s and ‘p’s really big. That’s way romantic. Notice how romantic the title banner at the top of this page is? The ‘R’ is particularly romantic, because it’s red.

  • The Most Intrinsically Romantic Thing Ever

    Based on the data above, the single most romantic thing in the universe can be calculated scientifically. It is, simply, a small red candle made out of chocolate and shaped like a teddy bear holding a heart with scribbles all over it that plays a tune when you wind it up. Toss her one of these at sunset on your way to a frat party, and you’ll be able to stay out all night and still strengthen your relationship.

• Impracticality

  Practical things are not romantic. Why do you think blenders and toaster ovens are so notoriously unromantic? Because they have an alternative use, of course. But get her a poofy thing that sits on her dresser behind her jewelry box, never to be touched or moved again, and she’ll melt in your arms.

• Personal Stuff

  Romance is personal. To be romantic, you must be personal and do personal kind of things. It’s sort of romantic to buy a mooshy greeting card for your loved one, but to be really romantic, you should sign it. As far as birthday presents and so forth go, you can make the gift personal by carefully considering your beloved’s interests and choosing a gift uniquely suited to her personality. Flowers always works.

• Your Time

  One of the required ingredients of romance is your time. Nope, there’s no way out of it.

• Blindness

  An important part of romance is selective blindness. You must not acknowledge anything about your beloved that could possibly be construed as a fault. If a nightmare suddenly woke her up from a twenty minute nap after four straight days of not sleeping at all, don’t even say she looks “tired.” If “radiant” isn’t the least of your comments about her appearance, you’re sunk. If she’s rude to someone without cause, prattle on about how much nerve that other person had for being such a big fat jerk. If she spilled pizza sauce on her chin, don’t say a word, nor give any other indication that her complexion is amiss. Paradoxically, if she gets home, looks in the mirror, and finds it still there, she’ll hate you for not telling her, so you’d better find a surreptitious way of removing it without her ever noticing — and afterward, keep that stray globule of pizza sauce your best kept secret to the day you die.

• Remembering Birthdays and Anniversaries

  Remembering your beloved’s birthday and your anniversary isn’t so much romantic as it is a stay of execution, for surely you’ll forget someday, and when you do, you’ll find out how not romantic cold shoulders and tears are. Your safest bet is to find someone whose birthday is on Christmas, then marry her on New Year’s Day, because nobody forgets those days.

• Pet Names

  To be romantic, you have to call each other names carefully crafted to make yourself and everyone around you throw up. This romance technique doubles as a passion meter way more accurate than those quarter eating machines in arcades; if you use these pet names and don’t throw up, you’re genuinely in love.

  Here’s how to construct your own pet name. Mix up the syllables “pook,” “wee,” “hon,” “oop,” and “ums,” (never use the syllables “skuzz” or “elch”), rhyme a lot, and make liberal references to baked goods. For example, (WARNING! WARNING! TURN YOUR FACE AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER!), “Sweetie Pumpkin Pookums” is a perfectly acceptable and effective pet name, as are “Moopsie Cutie,” “Hunny Wunny Cakes,” and, for the extravagant, “Snookie Wookum Weetie Bunny Pie.” (It may seem odd to novices that cooked rodents would be romantic, but they are.) For best results, speak these pet names with a big dumb grin, an admiring gaze, and a high-pitched squeal, and follow it up with an exaggerated sigh of dreamy contentment. The most important thing to remember about this is never ever do this in front of me.

  If you need help coming up with a suitable mooshy pet name, we at RinkWorks have provided a service to help. Visit Fantasy Name Generator and select “Mushy Names.”

• Style

  Even if you get all the essentials of romance right, a lack of style could still foul you up. Try to be as “suave” and “debonair” as you possibly can, as this is the optimum romantic style. Be as much like James Bond as you can, except for the infidelity, compulsive gambling, chain smoking, and killing people parts. Be elegant, humble, refined, independent, thoughtful, responsible, compassionate, spontaneous, reputable, graceful, polite, literate, entertaining, discreet, funny, upstanding, sensitive, fun, sophisticated, pleasant, selfless, reverent, and genuine. And if you can’t, fake it. And don’t overdo it. Subtlety is essential. If she doesn’t notice, you can always find an opportune moment to work a whispered pointer into the conversation, such as, “Notice how elegant, humble, refined, independent, thoughtful, responsible, compassionate, spontaneous, reputable, graceful, polite, literate, entertaining, discreet, funny, upstanding, sensitive, fun, sophisticated, pleasant, selfless, reverent, and genuine I am.”

  Better yet, follow the old adage, “Show, don’t tell,” and demonstrate these admirable attributes, each in turn, so she’ll be sure to take notice. Wear a tuxedo, bow to the object of your affections, kiss her hand, and say, “Why did the chicken cross the road? But seriously, you are looking beautiful today, and may I suggest we adjourn and spontaneously give thanks to God while I empathize with your inner woman in private, if indeed you’d consent to receive the fervent attentions of my lowly self? And afterward, we could go to Disneyworld.”

• Not Having Food On Your Head

  It’s disturbingly common for romance counselors to neglect to mention this essential romance ingredient, in spite of how terribly important it is. Other romance guides blissfully skirt around this important tip, potentially leading their unwary followers to a fatal misstep. The unfortunate fact is that if you do everything else right but have a chicken pot pie oozing down over your ears, it’s not romantic at all. It’s embarrassing to the object of your affections, and embarrassment overrides romance. So when you’ve set the mood, the lighting, the background music, and put yourself in a chivalrous frame of mind, don’t forget to make sure there are no edibles above the neck, or your efforts will be in vain.

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Over the years our experts have answered more than 1000 questions on sex and relationships. Take a look at their advice on common issues, including affairs, family problems, jealousy and sexuality. If you have a personal query, it’s best to consult your GP.

Q & A: affairs

Thinking about having an affair

• I’m in a sexless marriage for the sake of my children. Should I pursue an affair?
• Love on the Internet
• My lover and I can’t bear to think about each other having sex with our spouses
• On the brink of a sexual frolic
• Sex at work – after 12 years of marriage
• Sexy emails are confusing me

Having an affair

• Affairs
• Fiancé is texting another woman
• He’s a love cheat
• How do I make myself love my husband and not my lover?
• I can’t trust my husband
• I’m pregnant and I don’t know what to do
• I think I may be pregnant with my lover’s child
• I think my wife is having a lesbian affair
• Is he having an affair?
• Is my husband having an affair?
• Is my man having sex with his ex?
• Is my wife having an affair?
• My boyfriend had sex with a friend of a friend
• My husband discovered that I was having an affair
• My husband is seeing another woman
• My lover hurt me in bed
• My lover won’t leave his partner
• My partner has numerous affairs online
• My relationship with a diabetic is falling apart and now I’ve met someone new
• Relationship with a married man
• Secret relationship
• Should I be unfaithful – and without a condom?
• Should I continue my affair?
• Teenage love triangle
• We’re both having affairs
• Who is the father?

After an affair

• As soon as we married, it all went wrong
• Bereavement made me unfaithful
• I am obsessed by thinking about my wife’s affair
• I can’t forget my husband’s adultery
• I had an affair and my wife refuses to forgive me
• I snogged a work colleague, but should I tell my long-term partner?
• Is my husband gay?
• I’ve been unfaithful to my partner
• My husband is grossly unfaithful.
• My lover was unfaithful to me during our affair
• Should I trust this unfaithful doctor?
• We’re having loads of sex to try to blot out the memory of my husband’s infidelity
• Why can’t I forget my husband’s affair?

Q & A: jealousy

Jealous men

• I don’t trust my girlfriend
• I fear my partner cheating on me
• I get paranoid and obsessed about relationships
• I have difficulty in trusting my partner
• I’m haunted with jealousy about her past
• I’m jealous of her past
• My husband is terribly jealous of my friends

Jealous women

• Am I just being jealous about this other woman?
• I am overcome with jealously when my girlfriend acts in a love scene
• I can’t stand thinking about my husband masturbating
• I do not want my sister to think that my man is attracted to her
• I just can’t trust my boyfriend
• I’m so jealous about men
• I’m worried about what he will get up to in Amsterdam
• Me and my jealousy
• My fiancé has a ‘foot fetish’ which has made me jealous of other women
• My jealousy is ruining my relationship with my husband
• My jealousy over my first boyfriend is out of control
• My maddening jealousy is pushing my partner away
• My partner and I are jealous and violent toward each other
• She’s so jealous that she is killing our relationship
• Why don’t I trust my loving husband?

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