1. Who you think you are is important. Like attracts like. Do you like who you are?

2. What you want in a relationship is important, and when you are willing to ask for it, you will be able to create it. But only ask for what you want when you are clear about what it is. Until then, don’t go around demanding things you just think you should have.

3. We get exactly what we focus on. The problem or the solution. We make a choice between them with every decision we make.

4. Tell yourself the truth about what you want, not what others (family, friends, spouse) say you should have.

5. Tell everyone else your truth about what you want. Don’t be afraid to share your vision and dreams with those you love.

6. You are not defined by your relationships unless you choose to be. Consider what it says about you if you deed over you soul to one.

7. Interdependent (two independent people) relationships are the only ones that work, long term.

8. Truth is the first thing necessary to create trust in our relationships. Respect is earned from trust, and love is earned from respect. Intimacy is the gift we get when we risk telling the truth.
* See the hierarchy of a functional relationship

9. Fear of intimacy is fear of the truth. Your truth is better for you than someone else’s. Just get to know what it is, so you can finally own it, and speak it..

10. If your relationship is not getting better, it is probable getting worse. Life is dynamic and nothing ever stays the same.

11. Every relationship is unique. It takes what it takes to work. If you want it to work, you have to work it. No shortcuts. No 50/50 deals.

12. It’s not your job to fix your mate, and it’s not his or her job to fix you. Take the relationship and what your mate says at face value and stop reading into it what you’d like to hear. We can work with what’s real. It’s impossible to deal with what’s not real.

13. Unconditional love is an inside job. If you haven’t gotten it by now, guess what…start working from within. When you can give it to yourself, you’ll be ready to give it to someone else. If you can give it to someone else, you’ll recognize it when it’s given to you.

14. If you both are committed to creating a functional relationship, agree to start doing it today, without any judgments about the past. Be willing to work in the solution and let go of your need to control the outcome, moment to moment, one day at a time. Joy can only be experienced in the present moment

15. Most of our fears about what may happen in this relationship are really fears we experienced in past relationships, and have nothing to do with this person. Come to grips with what’s real and what’s Memorex! .

16. When in an argument, ask yourself Does this really PASS THE SO WHAT TEST? For you to be right does the other person have to be wrong? Think about it. Life is short. Don’t waste it on arguments that have no meaning or purpose. You can always agree to disagree if you need to.
Then laugh about it, and go on to the next thing. Start observing your need to argue as just another dysfunctional, immature habit that needs to be broken.

17. When we finally learn to say we are sorry (at 3 or 93) we get to finally hear we are O.K. To error is human, and there is great virtue in all forgiveness, ourselves included. The best way to teach our children this lesson is by watching us demonstrate it.

18. Any negative, hurtful or sarcastic remark is abusive. Like a sharp knife, each word will carve out a chunk of a loving relationship that can never grow back. Please consider the source and outcome of your remarks, before you open you mouth to tell your truth.

19. Never let a day go by without saying and showing how much your relationship and partner mean to you. Never take a moment for granted. Express how grateful you are for your good fortune, however meek or humble it may be. Appreciation and gratefulness have magic in them. It seems the more we express them, the more reasons we are given to say thank you.

20. To have a functional relationship you have to be willing to risk loosing it everyday, by telling your truth. If you don’t feel free to tell your truth, start asking yourself why you think it’s so important to stay, and what else you are willing to loose besides your self-esteem.

For starters, you can ask your mate to tell their truth, and be willing to accept it at face value, without judgment. Now you both get to finally know the truth, and, if you each want a relationship based on what’s real for both of you.

To read on please click here

Have you come across couples where you can see a visible sign of disrespect between each other? Or find that one partner has low respect for the other? That is quite common, but why is that so? And how do the partners intend to continue in absence of mutual respect? Let us discuss.

Respect and how it affects our well-being?

Think of any situation when you felt disrespected. That happens many times in public places, work places and homes. How did you feel? You felt anger towards the person who disrespected you. You also felt that that person did not value your opinion or capability. You felt bad about the whole thing because your self-esteem was hurt. You felt like never giving your opinion to that person again.

When you feel respected you find that the other person is keenly listening to you. You find the body language of the other person positive and leaning towards you. You find that they ask questions or air their opinions believing that you will contribute positively to the dialogue. In such a situation you feel respected and involved. Your self-esteem gets boost and you respect the other person in turn.

Is respect always a two way street?

It is felt that respect is a two way street. If you give respect, you get it. Sometimes this law is broken. You may be trying to respect the opinion of the other part but the other party may be so disoriented due to anger, frustration or other reasons that they may simple brush aside all your opinions and argue with you with total disrespect. This frequently happens when some body is feeling very angry. If a couple gets into a situation when one of them is angry over the other, you will find the angry person using most derogatory terms. That breaks the respect between each other. Even if apologies are made after temper cools down the relationship does not get mended, because spoken words keep ringing in the mind of the injured person.

To read on please click here.

By Jeffrey Cottrill

Divorce is a painful, difficult experience that often has shattering effects on people’s emotions, finances, and familial relationships. Yet the rate of divorce in North America has been alarmingly high for the last few decades, and it shows no signs of slowing down. Of course, some marriages are destined to end due to chronic abuse, addiction, fundamentally incompatible goals or morals, or major changes in one or both spouses’ lives or personalities. But is this true for every marriage that ends in divorce?

If you’re considering divorce, remember that this decision will deeply change the lives of your spouse, your children, your parents, and maybe extended family and friends as well as your own. Divorce is not something to be decided hastily. It’s a choice to end the most important relationship in your life — a relationship that, once upon a time, may have been wonderful. You may feel sure there’s no bringing back the marital satisfaction you once enjoyed (or expected). But is divorce going to solve your current problems — or just create more?

Remember that even great marriages require work. All romantic relationships are, to some degree, an exercise in compromise: there’s always some level of adjustment toward each other’s conflicting tastes, schedules, moods, quirks, and expectations, because there’s no such thing as a couple whose personalities are completely in sync with each other. But when this work pays off, a healthy marriage can be a source of incredible happiness, comfort, and security. Should you throw away such a potentially good thing? Ask yourself if it’s worth making the effort to see if your marriage can be saved before you file for divorce.

Why do good marriages break down?

In a DivorceMagazine.com poll, 29% of respondents said that infidelity had caused their divorce; 22% blamed the marital split on communication problems; 15% said that the problem was basic incompatibility; and 14% cited emotional or physical abuse. Other reasons included drug addiction, financial woes, and one spouse being a workaholic.

“A variety of factors can lead to breakdowns,” says John Gray, Ph.D., the author of the famous Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus books. “External pressures such as job loss, health problems, family issues, and internal problems such as infidelity and changing values can contribute.” Sometimes, certain behaviors or changes (such as repeated infidelity or abuse) directly lead to irreparable marital breakdown; other times, however, they’re temporary problems that you can work through.

“Sometimes, couples simply grow apart, in different directions, and they’re not conscious of it,” says Otto Collins, a relationship coach in Chillicothe, OH and co-author (with his wife, Susie) of Should You Stay or Should You Go?. “Everyone grows all the time, in different ways. You and your partner can become different people, but there’s a problem if you’re not aware of where each other is.” It’s only natural that individual personalities evolve and mature during the course of each person’s life, and successful long-term relationships should be able to adapt to such changes.

This separate evolution can cause couples to put other priorities in their lives ahead of their marriages. For example, this happens when one or both spouses get deeply involved in their careers, with their children’s lives, or with separate social crowds and interests. It’s not that they intended to neglect the marital relationship in the first place; maybe they just started to take it for granted. “They put the relationship on the back burner,” says Susie Collins. “People quit talking about what’s important to them and lose track of who they really are. Then they wake up and ask, “Who am I married to?’”

Another frequent problem is the unrealistic expectations that many of us bring to love and marriage. “All marriages, even good ones, go through developmental stages,” says Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW, who runs Divorce Busting, a therapeutic center in Illinois that focuses on saving marriages. “When their marriages hit the terrible twos and the teenage years, people begin to think they’ve made a mistake or married the wrong person.” Much of it also stems from the faulty examples we grew up with, she adds. “Most of our parents weren’t great role models, so we enter marriage with no effective notions of how to make it work.”

We all carry our own idealistic pictures of a perfect relationship with us — notions that can be sorely tested by reality. When you fall in love with the right person, it’s natural to anticipate never-ending joy. And perhaps there will be a lot of fun, excitement, and intimacy in your married life. But love means more than this. It also means accepting both the best and worst in your spouse. It means supporting and encouraging each other through the bad times as well as the good. Far from the traditional fairy-tale notion of “happily ever after,” successful marriages involve working through and surviving problems, setbacks, and conflicts to become stronger.

“Marriages never exist in a static state,” says Dr. Gray. “In a real sense, they have a life of their own. I like to say that marriages move through seasons: warm and loving and exciting in summer, and sometimes distant and strained in winter. Every loving relationship has its own winters. The issue is not whether these challenges will come, but how a couple will address them when they arise.”

“Couples need a roadmap of what goes on in a normal marriage,” explains Diane Sollee, the founder and director of Smartmarriages.com. “They’re always comparing themselves to “how happy I should be.’ But it has nothing to do with whether you find Mr. or Ms. Right. It has little to do with ‘compatibility’, because even incompatible couples have made it. The courtship process is about looking for compatibility, but after you’re married, things change and you’ll find lots of incompatibilities between you. Whether you understand that this is normal will predict how well you do.”

Lori H. Gordon, Ph.D., founder of the PAIRS relationship-skills programs, suggests that our notions of what constitutes a successful marriage have changed in the last several decades. “In the past, you had a good marriage if your husband brought home the paychecks and didn’t hit or abuse you. But that’s no longer the standard,” she says. “Today, men and women look for love, pleasure, and intimacy and have a desire for connection and bonding. If they can’t find and nurture that bond, it leads them to decide they might as well leave the marriage.”

So there are many possible reasons, internal and external, why your marriage may seem to have lost its spark — but most of them don’t necessarily mean that the relationship is over.

Can You Rescue Your Relationship?

Whether or not you’ve been able to put your finger on what the problem is, you need to decide if it’s worth investing your time and energy (and your spouse’s) to save the marriage. How do you know?

More information on saving your marriage: How to Stay Married Keeping Your Marriage Together Making Your Marriage Work Tips to Make Your Valentine Last Frequent Questions about Infidelity

According to Otto Collins, one factor is your willingness to work it out. “Ask yourself: “Do I want the marriage to be saved?’” he advises. “Some people aren’t committed to creating the relationships they want. But if they want to, they can.” And Susie Collins adds that both spouses should be willing to work at it. “It takes both people saying, “Yes, I’m committed,’” she says. “If one person isn’t in there, the process might drag on for years.”

Weiner-Davis strongly believes that most marriages are worth saving and their problems are solvable. “To me, healthy and happy marriages are essentially no different from most couples that are divorcing,” she says. “Hopelessness is the cancer in marriage. People convince themselves that their problems are too huge to surmount and so they have to divorce. When couples think that change is impossible, that’s when they throw in the towel. So my work as a marital therapist has focused on injecting a healthy dose of optimism and hope into couples.”

If the marriage is salvageable, both of you must be willing to do things differently — as opposed to carrying on the same mistakes that have kept the marriage in stagnation or trouble. “It depends on your openness to learning and change, and on your willingness to talk about what’s causing your unhappiness,” says Dr. Gordon. “Attitude is very important. If you both say, “It’s over’ — if you’re that closed toward trying to change things, I wouldn’t give your marriage much hope for survival. But I’ve seen huge transformations come about when one person is open to change.”

According to Dr. Gray, it’s a matter of distinguishing between whether your conflict is temporary or symptomatic of permanent distance between you. “Disagreements — even those that are bitter — and falling out of love are two different things,” he points out. “Just as people grow close, they can grow apart. This process is distinct from two people going through a difficult period in their relationship. For the committed couple that is going through difficult times, there is a willingness on the part of one, and eventually both, to seek common ground. For those marriages where one or both has fallen out of love, the only thought is to head for the exit and not to search for points of reconciliation.”

Sollee suggests that, as with married life, the public today needs to be better educated about the realities of life after divorce. “We’ve failed to give people an accurate picture,” she says, referring to some mental-health professionals who recommend divorce too quickly. “Almost everybody who gets divorced expects to remarry somebody better or move on to a different life.” Yet the rate of divorce for remarriages is considerably higher than that for first marriages, she says. “And there’s no such thing as a permanent divorce when you have children, because you still have to deal with the other parent. Often, there’s a great motivation to stay married when you know the reality.”

It’s even possible that you may come to realize that the problem is not that the marriage isn’t working, but that it’s merely in a slump. Like everything else in life — friendships, careers, etc. — marriages also go through periods of “downtime,” or, as Dr. Gray puts it, they return to the “winter” stage. Sometimes marriage slumps are seriously exacerbated because of neglect on the part of both spouses; often, though, it’s just part of a natural cycle in which the relationship becomes a lower priority in the spouses’ lives. If you have some patience and are prepared to put some work into your relationship, things might pick up again.

Trying to Save Your Marriage

Happy marriages don’t emerge from a vacuum. They’re products of communication, teamwork, compromise, and adjustment to constantly changing circumstances. You and your spouse may be able to save your relationship on your own simply by employing these values. However, if the problem seems too big to solve by yourselves, you might want to get some outside help.

“A new movement that has been taking the U.S. by storm is marriage education,” says Weiner-Davis. “It’s strange that a marriage license is the only license you can get without required education. Couples have rocky times because they’re lacking in relationship skills that have to be taught and learned. The more tools you have in your toolbox, the more likely you are to save your marriage.” Marriage counseling or classes may point you toward alternatives you haven’t considered — or show you precisely in what areas you’ve been struggling.

“Being a counselor, it probably sounds like I’m simply endorsing my own profession,” says Dr. Gray, “but going together to a marriage counselor can be the best investment of your time and money. Why? Because there are times when you have both become locked into your own positions, and a third party who favors neither spouse can be essential in allowing you to find common ground and rebuild a relationship that, for whatever reason, has been damaged. The average couple will spend more on any vacation then they would ever spend on two or three months of working with a therapist. Help getting past those issues that divide you can bring more relief to your marriage than any week in Hawaii.”

Dr. Gordon suggests taking a course or workshop in relationships, such as a local PAIRS class. “We were not born knowing how to sustain a long relationship,” she explains. “As we need lessons for driving a car, we need the same for marriage or parenthood.” She points out four distinct stages in the experience of learning how to maintain healthy relationships: “We start out “unconsciously incompetent.’ It’s not true that we’re born to live happily ever after: we need education and training to sustain a loving marriage. The second stage is “conscious incompetence,’ in which you know how much you need to learn. The third stage is “conscious competence,’ and the fourth is “unconscious competence’ — when you’re unconsciously doing the right thing to keep the marriage going.”

There are also things you and your spouse can attempt on your own. Read a book about communicating with and understanding your mate, or maybe one about rekindling passion. Try spending more time together (away from the distraction of the kids, if at all possible), doing something you both enjoy — from ballroom dancing to bowling to hang-gliding to horseback riding. Regular participation in a fun and/or exciting activity could remind you of why you got married in the first place, and it will give you something to talk about aside from the bills and who is taking the kids to soccer practice. Perhaps all you need is to spice up the romance again, to recapture the excitement of the early part of your relationship. A vacation together, or a little sexual experimentation with the help of a book or video designed for couples, might fit the bill here.

On the other hand, if the problems stem from the fact that you’ve already been spending too much time together and stifling each other, maybe you need a bit of temporary time apart. Even in the best relationships, individuals need their own space to some degree.

The Collins’ suggest concentrating on the positive aspects of the relationship. “People tend to focus more on what’s wrong with the relationship than on what’s right,” says Otto Collins. “We encourage people to appreciate each other. Think, “This person is special to me. How can I acknowledge this?’ You can express little kindness, for example: those things can make a huge difference.” Another way is to turn your conflict into diplomacy, he continues. “One of the best things you can do is what we call “making your steps clear’: let the other person know where you are in the relationship. Create agreements for how the relationship is going to be.”

Susie Collins adds that “such agreements can include, “I’ll help more around the home,” or “I agree to spend more time with you,” or having weekly dates. Talk about it. Agree to do something once every week that you haven’t done in a long time. Things like that can keep a relationship juicy and flowing. Find ways to be on the same page on how you’d like the relationship to be. You should make the relationship a priority from the beginning and keep the spark alive. Give the relationship the importance you want it to have.”

“Communication is another huge issue,” says Otto Collins. “It’s important to be authentic, real, and honest. We all change, and you need the courage to share what’s really in your heart and soul and to see how your partner responds.” Ironically, he points out, “when people do break up, it’s then that they’re willing to share thought and feelings they’ve held within them for years. If you’re committed to saving the marriage, share things now with the intention to create.” Authentic communication is not the same as dumping, venting, or blaming.

According to Sollee, one of the most important skills you should have in relationships is the ability to manage conflict. “In the marriages that make it, the spouses understand that disagreements are normal,” she says. “They know it’s normal to have to work around differences and manage them.” Keeping a marriage going doesn’t mean you’ll never have disagreements or conflicts: it depends on how you handle them. You and your spouse can work out your problems in a rational way, or you can choose to ignore the problem and continue to drive each other crazy. “Some people think that if it’s true love, they’ll agree on everything. For them, it’s not going to work.”

Just as important as working out conflicts is the willingness to forgive each other for past wrongs and let them go. Contrary to what many people think, it is possible to get past betrayals, infidelity, boredom, and other disappointments — as long as they’re not repeated over and over. And of course, you must forgive your spouse’s annoying habits and quirks, or any characteristics he or she can’t help, to have any hope of staying content in the marriage.

Happily Ever After?

Many people think that when you’re in a bad marriage, the only way to find happiness again is to get divorced. However, a study released from the University of Chicago found that, on average, unhappily married adults who get divorced are no happier five years later. In addition, about two-thirds of the observed unhappy marriages that stayed together actually turned around and became happy in the same time span. While divorce is necessary and unavoidable in some situations, it shouldn’t be looked upon as a quick fix for all of your marital problems — largely because the marriage itself may not be the problem. Instead, try fixing things within the marriage first before you make that final decision.

“Don’t throw in the towel until you can accept that what you’ll get is single life or remarriage, which can both be hard,” says Sollee. Making a new start on your own is extremely difficult, so why not attempt a new start with your spouse first?

Making Marriage Work

Positive signs

You might be able to save your marriage if:

• at least one of you is willing to seek help in some way: marriage counseling, relationship workshops, books on how to re-ignite passion
• you both recognize that disagreements are a normal part of any marriage
• you’re open to learning how to communicate openly and honestly — without accusing or blaming each other, or “hitting below the belt”
• you’re willing to accept responsibility and apologize for the damage you’ve done to your spouse and to your marriage
• you’re willing and able to devote time and effort to improving your relationship
• you both believe the marriage is worth trying to save.

Negative signs

Divorce might be the best choice for you if:

• there’s a pattern of abuse, drug addiction, or repeated infidelity
• neither of you is willing to change or adapt to present circumstances
• neither of you is able to forgive past wrongs or make amends
• you’re committed to seeing yourself as 100% innocent and your spouse as 100% guilty regarding the problems in your relationship
• one of you has declared a new sexual orientation
• you believe the marriage isn’t worth trying to save.

Where to Get Help

If your marriage is having problems and you’re interested in keeping it alive, here are just a few of the many resources available to you:

• The PAIRS (Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills)program conducts courses and workshops across the U.S. and Canada that teach the skills necessary to sustain good relationships. Visit their website at www.pairs.com.
• Divorce Busting offers telephone consultations by self-described “marriage die-hards” who give you tools necessary to renew your bond with your spouse. Call (800) 664-2435 or visit www.DivorceBusting.com.
• SmartMarriages.com is full of useful essays and studies on what makes marriages work.

To read on please click here

By Byron Wright

Everybody wants to have a very happy wedding.A cheerful wedding is among the best things life can offerlittle time different types of issues appear in our life. Its right that many people throw in the towel on a wedding too soon, and too many weddings finish up being weighted down by unresolved problems. What occurs if none of those things from the start of your relationship are going down any more like: the tiny favors today cook your favorite meal, buy you something special, those small things that showed you she cares about you. Realizing that you can be losing the individual you adore is hard on anybody. Like most of the people in your current position you’re most likely feeling shocked and confused, without knowing what to get on with next. If you happen to feel that your wedding is crisis, don’t show your other half that you are panicking, try and keep calm and in control your feelings. You both need to recollect that regardless of how dark things appear, it’s feasible for many unions to get back on course, but both husband and spouse should be willing to cooperate.

The most important thing is to remain calm and to understand what to keep clear of and what to shoot at to make relationship work.

You are able to save your wedding regardless of whether your other half would like a separation, she asks for divorce, or doesn’t love you any more. But to stop divorce you want to avoid doing what injures your relationship, knowing that there is always a hope to save your wedding.

Envy is among the reasons which explain why most of the people get divorce, but isn’t the just one. If she caught you with cuckoldry and that’s the reason why she would like to get divorce, the toughest thing you are going to need to do is to reconstruct trust in your relationship: always be on time home, do what you are saying you do and be truthful. Also, never lie to your other half again, communicate obviously all of the time, take a little time to assure your partner if she feels nervous, show her feelings on regular basis and also bide your time with her. As I pointed out there are numerous other reasons why folks get divorce.

This is generally a massive mistake so try first to do all the sacrifices that are important to save your wedding. first and the most vital is to spot your issues, take a fair glance at the relationship and work out what the issues are, actually express what’s annoying you in, as much details as possible look for solutions rather that blaming your other half if you are guilty for this position show her your companion, respect and emotion, everyday remind her how much you adore her and put meaning from within into those words -start doing things that were customarily done when both were still in loved and married -express your sentiments, communicate your emotions truthfully and overtly as you can -establish open dialog and start to compromise and heal, debate about your emotions and come to an understanding about what you are feeling the relationship desires -also you’ve got to learn how to listen also the things which are brought up should be handled as guides so the couple will learn the way to respect each other’s feelings and viewpoints, she may talk about what she’s feeling relating to the relationship -you have to work steadily to understand and change what’s troubling your better half in the relationship, even though she loves you, she may see some determined issues in you, and that’s the reason why she might have lost wish for the relationship due to them, you’ve got to understand better your partner’s perception of these issues -if you are getting off on your sex life, talk to one another, spend some more time alone just both of you, go on a holiday -open yourself to the proven fact that any issue can be accepted and translated in a selection of ways, or you may continue to stay in a groove -think about the techniques you make a contribution to the situation -learn to internalize and understand that your companion isn’t you, both have to find out how to sympathize with the other’s viewpoint -appreciate the value of the other’s experience in the way that’s different than yours -don’t permit old negative behavior patterns to swamp the present time -learn to pardon and forget, learn how to forget anything and accept one another, bringing up the past won’t save the wedding, one must learn how to pardon the partner and forget all of the mistakes from the past -seek both for a solution,

remember you are 2 different folk, isn’t about who is wining here, it’s about respect, intimacy, expansion and emergence -set goals to work as a couple ,e.g. : to speak without disagreeing, to try and do things as a couple, to find an end point to your issues, and also note down your feelings and permit the other to read them -last but not at least, have patience, your conjugal issues didn’t crop up overnight and they won’t be healed overnight, debate all of the feelings that you both feel till you are focused and prepared to start anew hence if you’ve got some problems in your wedding, wait first to see whether that wedding can be saved, do not be hurry to get divorced. Always have to think positive, that there’s a hope to save your wedding irrespective of how many issues appear in your life.

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Affairs can tear the fabric of a relationship wide open and destroy the bond of trust that is the strongest force for keeping people together. Healing after the affair therefore is vital to mend broken trust and much to the surprise of many couples can reforge their marriage into something much stronger than before the affair.

How can surviving an affair lead to a better marriage? These 3 tips may explain the process…

1. Communication

Many marriage counselor have proven that couples who do not talk about the affair are statistically worse off that those who do. While it may seem like the hardest thing in the world to talk about when you are so hurt and angry the only way to move forward is to communicate your problems and listen to their reasons for their terrible choice. To be able to do this though you need to be able to control your anger and bitterness or such conversations will be negative or explosive and nothing will be learned.

2. Understanding

Through communication of the marital affair you can gain an understanding of the reasons behind it. This does not excuse their actions at all but without understanding these things you are not truly able to talk about the right things and maybe angry and hurt at things that you should not be. Understanding also comes in the form of knowing what was wrong with your relationship before the affair that might have led them to an affair which sometimes means you have to look at your own actions as well … again not an excuse for their actions, they made the choice but if you want to regain trust and heal your relationship after an affair you must be honest with yourself.

3. Change

Once you have an understanding of the affair and the relationship problems that might have been simmering before it you can actually start to take action, forgiveness can take time but building a better relationship from this event is the best thing you can do from a bad situation and healing after an affair will follow from this!

Obviously there is a lot more to healing from an affair so for more help click below to find guides written by expert marriage councilors that can offer you a roadmap to recovery allowing you to get past the hurt and bring love and happiness back to your life.

To read on please click here

Read more: http://www.articlesbase.com/infidelity-articles/healing-after-the-affair-3-tips-to-overcome-infidelity-in-a-relationship-725394.html#ixzz0uzdmxHQd
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Overcoming Stress in Your Marriage

Marriage is a wonderful relationship. There are several aspects to this relationship – expression of
love and affection, close companionship, concern for each other, mutual respect, tolerance,
forgiveness, compromises, emotional support and security, sexual expression, and bearing and
rearing of children.

However, the list is incomplete, yet the quotient of these basic aspects differs from couple to couple.

Somehow, sometime and somewhere down the line, the relationship quotient of your marriage starts
shivering and shaking with stress of daily life. This brings a negative impact on your married life and
you face innumerable problems. The best recourse is to sit and analyze the causes and work on
them, thereby strengthening your marriage vows. A few basic steps help you both overcome stress
in your marriage.

Keep aside time daily for just the two of you to talk over things. Do not try to hide any thoughts or
feelings for fear of upsetting the other.

Give full attention to what your spouse is talking about. Understand and accept others’ needs or
wants and then follow the best course.

Never harbor any lies in your relationship, as truth is sure to surface at some point.

Learn to accept and forgive mistakes. Humans are born to err and nobody is perfect. Both of you
should accept your mistakes and look for remedies.

Careers and monetary decisions need constant revision and changes according to circumstances.
You need to set the priority of a partner’s career to maintain equilibrium in a marriage.

A sexual relationship highlights your intimacy and love. Such intimacy develops over a period of
time. And, it changes as your relationship changes and as you add children to your family. It takes
communication.

Take time off from the daily grind for just the two of you and get off to some weekend outing or
even an evening together. This surely rekindles your romance and you come back fully recharged
and ready to face any problems.

Doing familial chores together bonds your relationship and you get more time for each other.
Similarly, you can spend time together while doing some of your hobbies and interests.

Arguments are a part of every relationship. You need not avoid them and bottle your feelings or
anger, as letting them out, discussing and arriving at a solution enables you to relieve stress.

Problems inside your marriage belong inside your marriage. Work out your problems. If they are
too tough to resolve then you will need an expert in the field of marriage to help you keep your
marriage working well.

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The answer to this question of the ages is found within an insightful, detailed 3,800 word article by Tara Parker-Pope over at The New York Times. Although lengthy, it explores the research into this issue and focuses on the work by Ronald Glaser and Jan Kiecolt-Glaser from Ohio State University who’ve been studying the intersection of psychology on the biology of humans since the 1980s:

The two scientists were fascinated by each other’s work, which they often discussed over meals or while jogging together. Glaser suggested that they collaborate professionally, but finding common ground was a challenge: he studied virology and immunology; she was a clinical psychologist who focused on assertiveness and other behavior. In the early 1980s, however, Kiecolt-Glaser came across a book on the emerging field of psychoneuroimmunology, which concerns the interplay between behavior, the immune and endocrine systems and the brain and nervous system. The couple were intrigued by a science that lay at the intersection of their disciplines. [...]

In their first research collaboration, they sought to measure the effect of psychological stress on the immune system. Although earlier studies had established that trauma and other major stress — like the death of a loved one or prolonged sleepdeprivation — weakened the immune system, the Glasers wanted to know if lesser forms of stress, like those associated with the workplace or graduate school, had a similar effect.

Who would’ve thought that two scientists in unrelated fields would find a way to work together like that? It’s exactly those kinds of pairings that can result in startling new insights into a field where the common wisdom may be entrenched. Borrowing from other fields can allow us to look at old problems with new eyes.

Getting back to the question — does marriage help your health and happiness? Sure, as long as it’s a good marriage. Unhealthy marriages don’t help an individual’s health, and in fact may hurt it. Research has shown that people in unhealthy marriages might as well not be married at all — they are more susceptible to illness than happier couples, for instance.

Kiecolt-Glaser told me that the overall health lesson to take away from the new wave of marriage-and-health literature is that couples should first work to repair a troubled relationship and learn to fight without hostility and derision. But if staying married means living amid constant acrimony, from the point of view of your health, “you’re better off out of it,” she says.

But are you? The University of Chicago study last year on 9,000 couples suggested that once you’re divorced or widowed, you may suffer from physical health effects that you never fully recover from (It said nothing of the emotional health effects from such events). They had more chronic health issues, and they reported more problems with everyday activities, like climbing stairs.

Maybe staying single is the answer: “But in the Chicago study, people who had divorced or been widowed had worse health problems than men and women who had been single their entire lives. In formerly married individuals, it was as if the marriage advantage had never existed. ”

Indeed, the real answer from the research suggests there is no clear answer. That even being married comes with its own pitfalls in terms of the health benefits, all of which seem to disappear in the wake of a divorce (within our control) or the death of your spouse (out of our control). So grab a cup of your favorite beverage, pull up a chair, and enjoy the read.

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Long-term Effects of Child Sexual Abuse

Paul E Mullen and Jillian Fleming

Child sexual abuse is widely regarded as a cause of mental health problems in adult life. This article examines the impact of child sexual abuse on social, sexual and interpersonal functioning, and its potential role in mediating the more widely recognised impacts on mental health. In discussing the relationship between child sexual abuse and adult psychopathology, the authors evaluate a number of models, including the post-traumatic stress disorder model, the traumatogenic model, and developmental and social models. They look at family risk factors which predispose children from specific population groups to be at greater risk of abuse, and conclude that the fundamental damage caused by child sexual abuse impacts on the child’s developing capacities for trust, intimacy, agency and sexuality.

Sexuality and sexual adjustment

A history of child sexual abuse has been found to be associated with problems with sexual adjustment in adult life (Herman 1981; Finkelhor 1979). Finkelhor (1984) described what he termed reduced sexual esteem in both men and women who had reported child sexual abuse. In a subsequent study, Finkelhor et al. (1989) found that women who reported child sexual abuse involving intercourse were significantly less likely to find their adult sexual relationships very satisfactory.

An attempt to replicate these findings found no relationship between histories of child sexual abuse and sexual self-esteem, whether in male or female subjects (Fromuth 1986), although there was a suggestion that sexually abused women experienced a wider range of sexual activity and were more sexually active than the non-abused. Greenwald et al. (1990), in a questionnaire study, also failed to establish any significant increase in sexual dissatisfaction or sexual dysfunction in their women reporting child sexual abuse, although they only used a broad definition of abuse and did not analyse their data regarding those reporting penetrative abuse. They concluded that the ‘majority of existing evidence seems to suggest that adult sexual functioning is not significantly impaired in community samples of former female victims of childhood sexual abuse who are not seeking treatment’.

In a study of a random community sample of 2,250 New Zealand women with a questionnaire and an interview phase, data was gathered on sexual histories including levels of sexual satisfaction and experienced sexual problems (Mullen et al 1994). The average age at which consensual intercourse first occurred, and the frequency of consensual intercourse with peers prior to reaching the age of 16 years, did not differ between controls and those reporting child sexual abuse. When, however, only those reporting child sexual abuse involving penetration were considered, they were significantly more likely to report consensual intercourse with peers prior to 16 years of age.

The controls and those reporting child sexual abuse were equally likely to have been sexually active in the six months prior to interview, but child sexual abuse victims expressed significantly greater dissatisfaction with the frequency of intercourse, interestingly being more likely to complain of infrequency or an unwelcome frequency. Those with histories of child sexual abuse were nearly twice as likely to report current sexual problems (28 per cent compared with 47 per cent) and for women whose abuse involved penetration, nearly 70 per cent complained of current sexual problems.

The general level of satisfaction with their sex lives was markedly reduced in those with histories of child sexual abuse compared to controls, an unadjusted odds ratio of 9.4 for overall dissatisfaction with their sex lives that rose to over 12 for abuse involving intercourse. Employing similar questions to those used by Finkelhor (1984) to quantify sexual self-esteem, it was found that significantly more child sexual abuse victims believed their attitudes and feelings about sex caused problems or disrupted their satisfaction in sexual relationships.

The unease about their own sexuality was most common in those whose reported abuse had involved penetration. There was also a significant increase in the frequency with which the victims complained of what they perceived as negative and disruptive attitudes in their partners that caused sexual difficulties. Fleming et al. (in press) in a community sample of Australian women found that child sexual abuse involving penetration was a significant predictor of sexual problems in adult life, even after taking the family and social backgrounds of the victims into account.

In the study by Mullen et al. (1994), there was also evidence for an association between a history of child sexual abuse and an earlier age of entering the first cohabitation and an earlier age at first pregnancy. This precocious involvement in an attempt at a permanent union and starting a family was particularly marked for those who had been victims of abuse involving penetration. This association could reflect a search for love and affection away from the inadequate home environment that so often accompanies the more severe forms of child sexual abuse. Sadly, in those who had been victims of the more intrusive forms of child sexual abuse, their attempts to establish relationships and families were likely to founder.

There is also evidence that women who report child sexual abuse are at greater risk during adolescence of sexually transmitted diseases, teenage pregnancy, multiple sexual partnerships, and sexual revictimisation (Gorcey et al. 1986; Nagy et al. 1995; Russell 1986; Spring and Friedrich 1992; Fergusson et al. 1997). In an Australian study, Fleming et al. (in press) found that child sexual abuse, in particular abuse involving penetration, was associated with increased risks of being raped as an adult and of being the victim of domestic violence.

These findings support the hypothesis that the exposure of children to the sexual advances and acts of adults places the victim at risk of later sexual problems. The more extreme and persistent forms of abuse produce greater disruption of the child’s developing sexuality. The age at which the abuse occurs might be expected to influence the extent of the long-term damage, and child sexual abuse occurring during the pre-pubertal stages of development is perhaps particularly likely to be traumatic. Currently, there are no adequate data on this relationship between age at abuse and subsequent sexual problems.

On the basis of clinical observations, it has been suggested that women exposed to child sexual abuse may in early adult life respond by heightened anxiety about sexual contact (with avoidance of relationships), or a paradoxical promiscuity (in which the victim devalues herself and her sexuality). What constitutes promiscuity tends to be a highly subjective evaluation, and women with a history of child sexual abuse are more ready to respond judgmentally about their prior sexual behaviour by labelling it promiscuous than would non-abused woman with a similar range of sexual experiences. This reflects not changed sexual behaviour, but changed attitudes to one’s own sexuality.

However, there is evidence that in those whose abuse has been particularly gross (in terms of physical intrusiveness, frequency, duration or closeness of relationship to abuser), there is an increased risk of precocious sexual activity with its attendant risks of teenage pregnancy and social ostracism. It would be surprising if the traumatic introduction to sexual activity constituted by child sexual abuse did not place the child’s sexual development in some degree of jeopardy. Studies such as those of Fromuth (1986) and Greenwald et al. (1990) that did not detect any negative long-term effects of child sexual abuse on adult sexuality probably had samples lacking a sufficient number of those exposed to more seriously intrusive abuse and, by their methods of analysis, the damage inflicted by the more severe forms of abuse was diluted with results from subjects reporting inherently less traumatic abuse experiences.

Women in a random community sample who had reported child sexual abuse were asked what problems they attributed to this abuse. They volunteered sexual problems in nearly 20 per cent of cases, and less than 3 per cent added a belief that they had behaved in an unduly promiscuous manner as adolescents in consequence of the abuse (Mullen et al. 1994). Over 50 per cent of the victims of incestuous abuse in this sample regarded the child sexual abuse as having affected their sexual adjustment as adults. This contrasts with only 5 per cent who attributed mental health problems in adult life to their histories of child sexual abuse.

Similarly, in an Australian study (full reference needed), 17 per cent of those who reported child sexual abuse, when asked whether the abuse had had any long-term effects, reported they believed it had damaged their sexual lives. These self-evaluations certainly underestimate the actual impact of child sexual abuse on the levels of psychopathology, but emphasise the extent to which child sexual abuse is regarded by victims as disrupting subsequent sexual development.

The sexual problems reported so frequently in those subjected to child sexual abuse, particularly of the more chronic and physically intrusive types, may be conceptualised in terms of the disruption of the developing child’s construction of sexuality and the nature of sexual activity. Child sexual abuse may well create for some victims a construction of sexual intimacy contaminated by exploitation and coercion. The lack of mutuality and benevolence implicit in a child being used as the object of an adult’s sexual acts is a disastrous introduction to the possibility of loving sexual relationships. That experiences of sexual abuse, particularly when repeated or when involving a breach of what should be a caring and protecting relationship, leave no residual damage seems an inherently unlikely proposition.

Relationships and intimacy

The sexual problems linked to child sexual abuse could be an entirely specific effect related to traumatic sexualisation, or could be contributed to by a wider constellation of disruption of interpersonal and intimate relatedness. Child sexual abuse involves a breach of trust or an exploitation of vulnerability, and frequently both.

Sexually abused children not only face an assault on their developing sense of their sexual identity, but a blow to their construction of the world as a safe enough environment and their developing sense of others as trustworthy. In those abused by someone with whom they had a close relationship, the impact is likely to be all the more profound. A history of child sexual abuse is reported to be associated in adult life with insecure and disorganised attachments (Alexander 1993; Briere and Runtz 1988; Jehu 1989). Increased rates of relationship breakdown have also been reported in those exposed to child sexual abuse (Beitchman et al. 1991; Bagley and Ramsey 1986; Mullen et al. 1988).

Mullen et al. (1994) found that their subjects reporting child sexual abuse were more likely to evince a general instability in their close relationships. Though those with histories of child sexual abuse were just as likely as controls to be currently in a close relationship, they were more likely in the past to have experienced divorce or separation. When asked about the level of satisfaction with their current relationship, those with abuse histories expressed significantly lower levels of satisfaction. The level of current satisfaction was lowest for intercourse victims.

Relationship problems were also reflected in the evaluations of the quality of their communication with their partners. Less than half of the victims felt able to confide personal problems to their partner, and nearly a quarter reported no meaningful communication with their partners on a more intimate level, whereas only 6 per cent of controls took an equally negative view of their partners receptivity to their concerns. This perceived gap in communication at a deeper level rose to 36 per cent in those reporting child sexual abuse involving penetration.

In this study, those reporting child sexual abuse were more likely to rate their partners as low on care and concern, and high on intrusive control. Interestingly, the deficiencies perceived in their partners as sources of emotional support by those with histories of child sexual abuse was not generalised to peer relationships where they were just as likely to report they had friends in whom to confide and with whom to share their troubles.

A community study of Australian women found similar results with a history of child sexual abuse adversely affecting the quality of women’s relationships in adult life, and increasing the likelihood of divorce and separation (Fleming, 1997, Fleming et al, in press). Women who reported a history of child sexual abuse were more likely to report their current partner to be uncaring and highly controlling, and to be dissatisfied with the relationship. Child sexual abuse appears to affect a woman’s ability to maintain intimate relationships by interfering with her capacity to develop her sexuality and trust in others. The results of this study also found that women with histories of child sexual abuse who found difficulty in forming satisfying intimate relationships did not, however, report an inability to form close friendships or to receive emotional support from friends.

It is tempting to suggest that the experience of child sexual abuse at a vulnerable moment in the child’s development of trust in others predisposes to a specific deficit in forming and maintaining intimate relationships. The attribution of a lack of concern and a tendency to be intrusive and overcontrolling to their partners could be a product of these partners’ actual attitudes and behaviour, or could reflect primarily the expectations, interpretations and projections directed at the partner by these women with histories of child sexual abuse. Conversely, those who have been abused may be more prone to enter relationships with emotionally detached and domineering partners because their lowered self-esteem and reduced initiative limits their choices, or from some neurotic compulsion to repeat.

Self-esteem

Self-esteem encompasses the extent to which individuals feel comfortable with the sense they have of themselves (the self for self) and, to a lesser extent, their accomplishments, and how they believe they are viewed by others (the self for others). Robson (1988) wrote that self-esteem is ‘the sense of contentment and self acceptance that stems from a person’s appraisal of his (or her) own worth, significance, attractiveness, competence and ability to satisfy aspirations’.

A number of studies have implicated child sexual abuse in lowering self esteem in adults (for review, see Beitchman et al. 1992), but the most sophisticated examination of the issue to date is that of Romans et al. (1996). This study showed a clear relationship between poor self-esteem in adulthood and a history of child sexual abuse in those who reported the more intrusive forms of abuse involving penetration. It was, however, those aspects of self-esteem involved with an increased expectation of unpleasant events (pessimism) and a sense of inability to influence external events (fatalism) that were affected, not those involved with a sense of being attractive, having determination, or being able to relate to others.

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Anyone have an opinion????

By Charles Davenport

There is something profoundly unseemly, if not criminal, about diagnosing normal behavior as a disease and using medication to eliminate the offending conduct. The practice is particularly egregious when the offenders, “the diseased,” are children. But this is precisely what physicians and mental health professionals are doing to millions of healthy American kids.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, nearly 10 percent of children between the ages of 4 and 17 in North Carolina have been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). Nationwide, the figure for that age group is 4.4 million, of which 2.5 million are medicated to treat the alleged disorder.

But ADHD is not a disease. Virtually all children display behaviors that could be perceived as “symptoms” of the disorder. (Those symptoms include hyperactivity, inattentiveness, forgetfulness, impulsivity and disorganization.) ADHD is a myth that serves as an “out” for teachers and parents who would rather not have to deal with unruly children. Why discipline Little Johnny when he could simply be medicated to conform to behavioral standards?

An ADHD diagnosis is not only simple to obtain, but it also allows parents to evade responsibility for their child’s rogue behavior. A spoiled brat diagnosed with a “disease” is no longer a spoiled brat, and most conveniently, no one is responsible for his conduct.

A new book penned by Dr. Bose Ravenel and John Rosemond, “The Diseasing of America’s Children: Exposing the ADHD Fiasco and Empowering Parents to Take Back Control,” exposes ADHD as a myth created and perpetuated by pediatricians, mental health professions and pharmaceutical companies. ADHD, the authors write, is “a fiction” from which these vested interests benefit.

Ravenel, a pediatrician in High Point, and Rosemond, a family psychologist and acclaimed parenting expert in Gastonia, present an eloquent and trenchant case against ADHD. Their claims, contrary to those asserted by “the ADHD Establishment,” are supported by rigorous studies and compatible with common sense. Ravenel and Rosemond pull no punches in debunking the “science” behind ADHD: “No ADHD genes have been discovered, no ADHD gene transmission theories have been proven, no ADHD biochemical imbalance has been quantified, and no specific ADHD brain condition has been identified.”

Parents willing to do independent research can quickly verify the claims of Ravenel and Rosemond.

The largest ADHD-affiliated organization is called Children and Adults with ADHD, or CHADD (www.CHADD.org). Its Web site, too, is a valuable source of information — or propaganda, depending on your perspective. CHADD admits that, other than “scientific consensus,” there is little evidence behind the causes or diagnosis of ADHD. But this is not persuasive. After all, there used to be consensus that the world is flat, and only a few decades ago, that we are heading into another Ice Age.

The ADHD Establishment endorses a “disease model” of behavioral problems, despite a lack of science in support of that position. Far more likely, and buttressed by overwhelming evidence, is the “developmental model” advanced by Rosen and Ravenel. Their argument, in short, is that the misbehavior of children is caused by a lack of parental discipline, the modern child’s excessive indulgence of electronic media and nutritional deficiencies.

Among the Amish, a diagnosis of ADHD is almost unheard of. Not coincidentally, Amish parents raise their children with traditional disciplinary methods — as opposed to “time out” — and their kids do not waste innumerable hours watching television and playing video games. (According to Rosen and Ravenel, the average American child has watched 5,000 hours of television when he reports to kindergarten.) Electronic media has contributed mightily to the short attention spans that cripple the learning ability of children.

Another sacred cow summarily slaughtered by Rosen and Ravenel is self-esteem, an overrated virtue that leads to counterproductive parenting and educational decisions. Parents and teachers worry that disciplining or correcting a child could diminish his self-esteem. According to several studies, however, excessive self-regard can lead to contempt for others. The authors remind us that gang members and prison inmates have extraordinarily high self-esteem.

Parents of children diagnosed with ADHD should take the time to research the possibility of other causes behind their child’s behavioral issues. In some cases, there could be legitimate, biological problems, such as a hearing deficiency; in others, parents may discover the root of the problem by simply gazing into a mirror.

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