What is Emotional Abuse?

There are various types of emotional abuse. Below is a list of characteristics that are emotionally abuse.

Rejecting

·Telling a person that they are unwanted

·Telling a person to leave

·Name-calling

·Telling the person they are worthless

·Making the person the scapegoat, blaming them for everything

Ignoring

·Does not show attachment

·Does not provide nurturance

·Does not show or express affection

·Physically there, but emotionally unavailable

·Does not recognize the other persons presence

·Uses the “silent treatment”

Terrorizing

·Singling out a person to criticize and punish

·Ridiculing him or her for displaying normal emotions

·Having expectations far beyond his or her normal abilities

·Threatening person with death, mutilation and abandonment

Isolation

·Not allowing person to interact with other

·Restricting person to a room

·Restricting eating to isolation or seclusion

·Restrict/monitoring phone calls

Corrupting

·Allowing minors to use drugs or alcohol

·Forcing others to watch pornographic material or sex acts

·Forcing someone to participate in or witness criminal activities

·Forcing someone to witness cruelty to animals

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This week a girl told me all about her relationship with her 2nd husband. When I told her to give me a sentence that fully explains her husband, she chose: “He is controlling”. She had all kinds of data to confirm in her mind that this statement was absolutely true.

What occurs to me when I hear a woman call a man “controlling” is that she has the belief that she can be controlled. This fascinates me. Whenever someone thinks that someone is doing anything TO them, they are getting rid of their power. When our minds think that way about someone other than ourselves, we have to be the victim of their behaviors, and we don’t have to take responsibility for our own.

Why is this problem the case for lots of ladies? It is this way because women like to keep their men happy and also keep them around. Women’s actions revolve around those ideas and then they are not happy. Anger sets in and women then turn around and BLAME the men, as if they had something to do with it! (Gentlemen, you must substitute yourselves accordingly and see that this holds just as true in how you think about women!).

To reveal her beliefs and let her go from their hurtful results, we worked together on a number of levels: To start, we looked at her relationships with gentlemen in general and what beliefs she had towards men that would make her think they are controlling. Next, we discovered the way she sees herself as a victim and how she used it in the past and how it limited her relationship now. Then, we probed into the way her life would be if she didn’t call men controlling. Fourth, we looked at how she showed up in the exact ways she complained about her husband and males in general. As she noticed how “controlling” she was in her thinking about what she wanted him to do in order to please her, the giggling started. Once we “get” how we are actually acting, it is hard not to giggle!

Her willingness to take responsibility for how she shows up in relationship to men is the key to her ultimate success. When she put all her focus into what her husband was doing wrong, the relationship was hopeless and she was about to end the relationship and move on. When she focused instead on how she was driving him away with her resentment and anger, she had the priviledge to see a number of options available to her, should she choose to be different. She changed from hopeless and powerless, to full of hope and power.

What an exciting opportunity to be with someone when they have the chance to dig deep inside themselves and come up with so many kinds of positive possibilities!

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Have you ever been associated with someone who can’t give up control? How do you feel being controlled? Do you think control is related to codependence?

Why are some people obsessed with control? Why do they insist that everything be done their way even when your way works just as well — or even better? You know them: They’re the fear-driven colleagues who question and complain unless every task is done as they would do it, bosses who think they never have enough information to make a final decision, or bean counters who delay important orders because they’re checking boxes over and over again. Here’s why they are like they are, and three steps for dealing with control freaks.

Control freaks see themselves as burdened with the task of protecting an ungrateful world from mistakes. They are seldom aware of the fear that drives their behavior.

Imagine a dog inside an electric fence. After he touches it once or twice, you can turn off the power because he won’t go near it again. That is how control freaks handle the possibility of mistakes. They try to keep a safe distance by obsessing about every detail lest even the tiniest of errors take them by surprise.

Of course, this strategy can be self-defeating. While it’s good to avoid mistakes, people who take chances are the ones who succeed. Remember, Babe Ruth held the all-time record for strikeouts as well as for home runs. Thomas Edison, inventor of the electric light and the phonograph, patented 1,091 inventions, most of which no one ever found useful.

So what do you do if you have to work for a control freak? Getting mad and accusing him or her of being a control freak will only make the situation worse. She will see your behavior as evidence that you’re not interested in doing things the “right” way.

To read on please click here

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Verbal abuse, physical abuse and emotional abuse all come from a need to control. The more research I do on the subject and the more I deal with clients in abusive relationships the more I come to believe that to be true.

It is human nature to feel a need to control our surroundings and, to some degree the people we have relationships with. In my opinion, it is that need to control that, at times is the main factor in the destruction of our relationships.

During my marriage, I was controlling. I was not a control freak who did not feel good about herself unless everyone was marching to her orders. I was what others might call “worry wart.” I worried about whether or not my children had proper food to eat, whether or not the house was clean enough or whether or not family vacations would run smoothly.

Due to the worry, I felt a need to control certain things. I told myself that I needed to take control because it was in my family’s best interest. You know what I mean, if I planned every moment of a vacation then that meant every moment would be enjoyed. Funny thing is, every moment was planned out but every moment was not enjoyed because I was living with people who had their own minds and own ideas of what they wanted and didn’t want to do.

They would end up enjoying their vacation and I would end up stressing out and suffering emotionally because I felt out of control. It is what a person does with the stress and emotional discomfort they feel when out of control that determines whether or not they become verbal, physical or emotional abusers.

There are those who have feelings of fear, worthlessness, inadequacy and shame that turn into control freaks. Their feelings of their own self-worth are tied to how well they can get others to bend to their whims and to follow their orders. They have a driving need to get control of their lives, which means controlling circumstances, and people…especially the people from whom they need love and affirmation. Once you start trying to force that kind of control over people you can bet conflict will follow.

I believe that control freaks have a low tolerance for any kind of emotional pain. Especially feelings of shame, fear and rejection of what they believe to be right and wrong. When something happens in their life to bring forth these intolerable emotions they find ways to cope and normally their coping skills mean abuse for those in relationships with the control freak. Below is a list of coping skills a control freak might resort to, in order to get their way.

• Yelling, screaming, using degrading and demeaning language.
• Shutting down and not talking or responding to your need to discuss the problems.
• Withholding affection, financial help or anything else they think you need from them.
• Hitting, shoving, punching, kicking.
• Drinking, doing drugs and other addictive behaviors.

Each of the above behaviors is an attempt by the abuser to tranquilize the intolerable emotional pain they feel when feeling out of control. Instead of looking internally and trying to figure out why they have such negative emotions they bury the pain, live in denial of it and distort the reality of their behaviors. How often have you heard an abuser blame the person they abuse for their actions? It is easier to blame someone else for bad behavior than to admit they need help and to face those painful

don’t believe that abuse of any sort should be excused. If you are living in an abusive relationship you should leave and leave immediately. Control what you have control over and that is your own physical and mental well-being.

When we love someone, it is easy to make excuses, to hang on and hope someone will change. This article is not meant to encourage anyone to excuse abusive behavior. It will however help you see what I believe is behind abusive behavior. Once you understand that it will be less likely that you blame yourself and buy into what you are being told by your abuser.

Bottom line, abuse is about the need to control, a need gone crazy. It is about the abuser and their inability to cope with unpleasant emotions. It is not about the abused or anything that was said or done by them so, don’t allow a control freak to determine how you live your life. Take control back and get yourself out of harms way.

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Improve Relationships

The joys and pains of relationships are never as pronounced as during Holiday periods. With Thanksgiving and Christmas fast approaching, use these seven steps as building blocks to strengthen your relationships. You’ll have a more satisfying and joyous Holiday period, and so will those close to you.

Although the approaching Holidays provide an immediate incentive, there are also long term benefits to be gained. Reputable studies show a strong correlation between happiness and high quality relationships. It’s therefore in our best interests to nurture and build strong relationships for this Holiday season and beyond.

From many articles and studies of the characteristics of strong relationships we can distill the following list of seven important steps or components; think of these as relationship building blocks.

• Commitment
• Freedom
• Respect
• Support
• Equality
• Healthy conflict resolution
• Trust

Committed Relationship

Fundamental to a strong relationship is commitment. Commitment to making the relationship strong and healthy is the foundation on which it can grow. Relationships take work. They take effort. Like life itself, relationships are dynamic, ever changing because we are ever changing. A strong relationship requires continuous nurturing, and that takes commitment.

Commitment to the relationship means unconditionally caring about maintaining and improving the relationship, even during times of anger or disappointment. There may be times when you aren’t even sure you like the other person, but if you’re committed you’ll spend the effort to sustain the relationship during tough times.

Read more at Suite101: 7 Steps to Good Relationships: Improve relations and be happier http://personaldevelopment.suite101.com/article.cfm/7_steps_to_good_relationships#ixzz0tZa5V2NW

Freedom to Be Me

Freedom may be the toughest component of all to implement. But it may also be the most important after commitment. All humans desire freedom; more than desire, freedom is a drive we have to be ourselves. From the two-year old who proclaims, “I can do it myself!” to the twenty-two year old who forgoes the family business to go her own way, we all want freedom to do it our way.

While we each crave and value our own freedom, we often have just as strong a drive to control others. Call it a carryover from parenting or a way of assuring our own freedoms, controlling another person is a sure way to weaken and damage a relationship.

Granting another person the freedom to be themselves, to stretch and grow or to wither and stagnate, is the ultimate result of love–unconditional love. The freedom inherent in unconditional love may sorely test our own feelings of self confidence and self esteem, yet it’s so important for us to realize that we bring people toward us when we let go of any inclination to control.

Respect Others

Respect, R-E-S-P-E-C-T as Aretha Franklin sang it, is a critical component of freedom. It’s the partner of freedom in that respecting another person’s competence and individuality provides the positive support so important to freedom.

A contrast makes this point: suppose someone grants you the freedom to follow your dream with an underlying current of disrespect. It might sound something like, “Go ahead if you must, I’ll be right here after you’ve chased that dream.” In other words, the person thinks you’ll fail and you’ll come crawling back.

The same scenario with respect might sound like, “Go ahead, I know how important this is to you and I support you 100%. I know you can do it!” Obviously, we’d all like to hear this latter response because of the inherent respect and support it conveys.

Support Those You Care About

Support is an important factor in any relationship. As we stretch ourselves, as we encounter rough spots and obstacles, a supportive relationship gives us strength and reassurance. Support rejuvenates and re-energizes. Aren’t we all attracted to people who are supportive of us?

Treat Everyone as an Equal

Equality is the enabler that says we’re both equal partners in this marriage, partnership, or friendship. A parent-child relationship is fine for teens and below, but among partners, friends, and adult children and their parents, without the underlying recognition of equality, respect is limited, support is more controlling than supportive, and commitment is probably more toward control than growth.

Learn Healthy Conflict Resolution

Healthy conflict resolution is a component that smoothes the rough edges of relationships. Rough edges will occur. There will be disagreements, differences of opinion, and even disappointments of behavior. A knowledge of techniques and dedication to resolve conflicts with respect, support, and equality can actually strengthen a relationship. Unstated is the recognition of “look what we’ve gone through together. We’re strong.”

Trust is a Relationship Glue

Trust is an attitude that could have been the first step mentioned. For without our inherent trust of each other, we will be unable to grant freedom, to treat each other with respect and equality, and be supportive. Some say that trust is earned. But trust must be an assumed attitude that is fundamental to commitment to the relationship. If someone distrusts you until you prove trustworthy, you cannot provide the freedom, respect, and support that nurtures and strengthens a relationship.

Obviously, the seven steps of a strong relationship do not come serially, one after the other. They are all important and must be simultaneously present. It is helpful, though, to consider them as step by step tools for building a strong relationship. And commitment does come first, as the foundation for stable and strong relationships. When we commit to something, it happens.

Read more at Suite101: 7 Steps to Good Relationships: Improve relations and be happier http://personaldevelopment.suite101.com/article.cfm/7_steps_to_good_relationships#ixzz0tZZjvFxa

When there is no trust in your marriage, you are headed for an abusive relationship or you may be in one already.

Trust is probably the most important ingredient in building an intimate relationship between husband and wife. Trust is something that can be cultivated and nurtured if you will follow the guidelines below.

I can sum up the essence of building trust in one idea: Create a safe emotional space for your spouse. If you are not actively working to build a safe emotional space, than you are probably building an unsafe one.

If you are not actively working to build a safe emotional space, then you are probably building an unsafe one.

A colleague of mine who is known for his wisdom as an educator in Los Angeles defines an abusive relationship in the following way. He suggests that an abusive relationship is one in which one person is afraid to express his or her feelings and opinions.

Needless to say, an abusive relationship is one where there is no trust. The key to avoiding abuse and promoting trust is to consciously strive everyday to build a safe emotional space. And let me say at the outset that, if you feel you are in an abusive relationship based on the definition I just gave, seek help immediately. Never tolerate abuse!

GUIDELINES FOR CREATING SAFE EMOTIONAL SPACE

• Constantly work on improving your communication skills.

Develop the skill of being a good listener, which is one of the hardest skills to develop.

Being a good listener means you don’t interrupt your spouse. This requires great discipline and respect. Learn to ask, “Are you finished?” Always make sure you’ve fully understood what the other person has said.

A simple tool to use for this is the well known “mirroring technique.” You reflect back what the other person has said. It may sound a bit contrived but, believe me, it really works. What you have to learn to do is say something like, “Let me make sure that I’ve understood what you just said. It sounded to me that you want me to…”

If you are an “advanced” listener, try not only to reflect back the content, but the emotional tone as well. For example, “It seems you are really annoyed with me and you want me to be more careful the next time I…”

A crucial component of good communication is the consistent use “I-statements” as opposed to “you-statements.” I statements unite, while you-statements alienate and create distance. An I-statement begins with “I feel … ” A you-statement begins with “You make me feel…”

A you-statement is almost always experienced as an attack. When I own my feelings and opinions by using an I-statement, I am communicating that I am taking responsibility for the issue and not blaming my spouse.

• Take responsibility to express your needs and express them clearly and assertively.

When a person feels he or she cannot express their needs to the other person, then this leads to a break down in trust.

We often don’t express our needs for two reasons. Either we are afraid of rejection or we are afraid of feeling ashamed for having such needs.

When a couple can express and meet each other’s needs consistently this is one of the most powerful ways to build trust in a relationship.

• Be positive and give pleasure.

We naturally trust people who treat us nicely and who seem to like us. It’s very hard to distrust someone who seems to constantly be going out of his way to please you!

A key tool to use here is the “5 to 1 rule.” This means that before you say anything negative to your spouse, you must have expressed at least five positive things. Only then, are you allowed to say something negative or critical.

• Don’t allow issues to go unresolved.

This requires that a husband and wife develop good problem solving skills. I can’t tell you how many couples I’ve worked with whose problems are rooted in a lack of problem solving skills.

When issues don’t get resolved, then resentments develop and fester. And when resentments develop then trust is lost.

• Learn to fight fair.

Just in case you didn’t know, fighting is a part of any good marriage! I mention this because there are some people who live with the naïve notion that in “good marriages” couples never fight. The problem is not that couples fight, but how they fight.

If you fight unfairly, then you destroy trust. If you fight fairly, you build trust. Here are a few important pointers to make sure that when you fight, you fight fair:

1. Never resort to name calling or putdowns.
2. Keep to the issue at hand. Never bring up old stuff that may be unresolved. The present fight is not a license to dump all your old garbage.
3. Never use phrases that are absolutes such as, “you never” or “you always.”
4. Never bring the other person’s family into the issue to support your case or to attack your spouse’s.
5. Agree beforehand on a method how to take a time out if one of you feels that the fight is getting out of hand.
6. Don’t start a fight later in the night, when you’re both tired and therefore more likely to have less control over your emotions.
7. And again, do your best to use “I-statements” rather than “you-statements,” which feel like attacks.

Trust is one thing that takes a long time to build and a very short time to destroy. Be careful how you treat each other. Many people wrongly believe that in a good marriage, you can “relax” and not have to monitor everything you say and do. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

In a good marriage, you must always be monitoring your behavior. This is the key to building a strong relationship and trust.

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An important ingredient in any romantic relationship is the establishment of trust. The presence of trust is a key indicator of the health of a relationship as well as the level of intimacy between partners.

Trust supports intimacy

Trust can be defined as a feeling of safety or comfort in reference to another person. We can also think of it as a choice we make when we enter into a relationship with another person. It is a skill that is developed as we gain more experience relating on an intimate level.

Developing trust

Loss of trust

Reestablishing trust

Conclusion

Read more: Why Is Trust Important in a Relationship? | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/facts_5549199_trust-important-relationship.html#ixzz0tLaPawV1

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1. Be predictable. When do seeds of suspicion emerge? When one begins to think, What’s up? Why is he doing that? He’s never done that before. That is so unlike him. He loses 30 pounds, buys a new wardrobe and comes home late from work. He changes his patterns. His behavior becomes unpredictable. You get the picture? Any movement away from predictable behavior can become suspect and trust can deteriorate. Focus on acting predictably if you need to build trust. Be consistent in what you do. This doesn’t mean you must be boring. If there is a twinkle in your eye and a dose of spontaneity every so often, for goodness sakes be spontaneous and fun loving. But, be spontaneous consistently! Be true to who you have always been and be that consistently, whoever you tend to be!

2. Inform your significant other when you become “unpredictable.” No one goes through life the same person. We all make shifts and changes. Frankly sometimes we may be fairly clueless about what is happening and where we are going. Those times may be very intense and we do some silly things or make some downright dumb decisions. Life can get very squirrelly and unpredictable. (I have a favorite phrase: Gold is refined through intense heat.) Growth in an individual, marriage or family often is accompanied by a little chaos. Welcome these shifts, for there is a part of you searching for something better/different/richer/deeper, but for heaven’s sake, inform your partner of what you are experiencing. Say, “I really don’t know what is going on in me right now, but I’m moving in a different direction. Be a little patient with me while I figure this out. I might do some silly things, but my intent is not to harm you or scare you. Accept some of my wondering and wandering and please be there for me? I may need to run some of this by you every so often!”

3. Make sure your words match the message. Mean what you say and say what you mean. When your partner hears one thing in your words but your tone of voice, body language and facial expressions are really saying something else, you open the relationship to some crazy making days. Which message is she to believe? This can waste a tremendous amount of energy and she learns not to trust part of what you are saying. Here’s a very simple but common example. You are getting ready to go to a formal dinner. Your wife comes to you and says, “How do I look?” (And she’s wearing a dress you don’t particularly like and her hair is pulled back in a way that turns you off.) Not to spoil the evening you enthusiastically say, “You look great.” You don’t really mean it and a part of her knows you really don’t mean it. But, you leave it at that. This might not seem like a big deal – we all have done something similar – but if trust is shaky to begin with, it is even shakier now. Here’s how to match the words with the nonverbal: “I think you are a beautiful person. I want you to know that. I love you dearly and it will be wonderful to have you by my side tonight. Others will see your beauty. (As you say this, you look into her eyes as you put your hands around her waist.) She’s not concerned so much with how she looks but is expressing a need for affirmation. She’s not talking about her dress or hair, but about wanting to know the evening is going to go just fine. You respond to the real message. You can take this one step further, if you like. At some point you might bring up her need for affirmation and talk about that. Ask her is there is anything you can say or do so that need is met. Trust is awareness of the intent beneath the obvious message and responding to that!

4. Believe the other person is competent. I hear this phrase very often: “But, I don’t want to hurt him.” A couple things are at play here. First, she may not have the skill of confronting the other with the truth in a way that brings reconciliation and understanding. She believes truth telling is destructive or entails some sort of drama. Neither is true. The truth is never destructive and can be conveyed in loving ways. (With that said, what we believe to be the truth may indeed be a distorted perception that fits our personal needs.) Or, she may see the other person as a wimp; someone she believes cannot handle rigorous personal confrontation. She doesn’t trust that the other person has the internal strength or stamina or skills to be in a relationship of mutual respect and equality. The other person picks up on this mistrust and does what he does (feigns inadequacy and incompetence) to avoid the personal confrontation as well. A dance is acted out. Believe and know in your heart that the other person, somewhere and somehow, beneath the games, has the internal strength and capacity to handle anything. Such trust builds trust in the other person and begins to pervade the relationship. “Hey, she thinks I can handle this! Hmmmm, this is mighty good! I CAN engage her and be truly intimate!”

5. Be very very careful of keeping secrets. If he knows there is an elephant in the room and doesn’t talk about it, the elephant takes up tremendous space in the relationship. It takes energy for him to walk around it. She may not see the elephant but knows he is bending his neck to look around something. She will be curious, mildly disturbed, have feelings but no words to wrap around them, might wonder if something is wrong with her or struggle with trusting her intuition (her intuition KNOWS an elephant is there.) And, when we can’t trust the messages that come from within us, we find it very difficult to trust the messages of the other person. Secrets demand tremendous energy and erode trust. The relationship is doomed never to experience wall-banging intimacy. This is why extramarital affairs are so damaging. She is not so much concerned about him having sex with someone else as she is about the betrayal, lack of trust, the secrets and deception that are crazy making and energy draining. Now, please. I’m not saying that you sit your partner down and divulge the 23 secrets of your illicit past behaviors. If you have resolved those, i.e. forgiven yourself, understand those behaviors, learned from them and were able to use them to make the internal shifts necessary for your personal development, they do not qualify as an elephant. Hopefully, in the course of growing intimacy in your relationship you may want to share some of those events as you disclose to your partner where you were and where you are now. You do so without emotional charge. However, if a secret takes up room, i.e. still has an emotional charge and holds you back from disclosing more and more of yourself in the growing stages of intimacy, you have a problem that needs to be addressed with your partner.

6. Let YOUR needs be known – loudly. Be a little – no, be a lot – self-centered. (Be self-centered, but not selfish!) Here’s a problem I run into almost every day. He is backing away (perhaps attached to work, another person, etc.). She feels the trust and intimacy eroding, is scared and wants to “win him back.” So she begins an all out effort to “work on the marriage.” She invites him to do so as well. He may reluctantly agree. She blasts full throttle ahead trying to “be nice” and meet every need he ever said he had. She’s going to “fill his tank with goodies.” Doesn’t work. Her eyes are riveted on him. He feels “smothered” or maybe even resentful: “Why is she doing this NOW!” She’s hopeful, but eventually that turns to resentment. Her underlying motive – if I meet his needs, he will feel good and meet mine – just doesn’t work. It’s perceived as manipulation, which it is. Of course, he doesn’t say anything. After all, how do you get angry with someone who is so “nice and caring?” Trust disintegrates under a blanket of quiet niceties. Start with your eyes focused on YOU. What do YOU need? Explore your personal need system. Dig beneath the surface. And then say to him: “I need…x, y and z. I would like to talk to you about them. I would like us to work out a way so my needs are met. Are you open to that?” He is empowered to say yes or no. Or, he may say, “What about my needs?” You respond, “I am very interested in hearing what is important to you, certainly.” Have you ever been around someone who stated clearly what they needed/wanted? Didn’t you respect that person? Because you knew where he stood, and therefore where you stood, didn’t that interaction move toward a trusting relationship?

7. State who YOU are – loudly. It is very sad to see those in relationships of emotional investment hold back from letting the other person know who they really are. You build trust in a relationship by entrusting your SELF to the other person. This sounds easy but I find it difficult for most to pull off. Most of us have a difficult time declaring our SELF. For one thing, if you’re like most of us, you haven’t given much thought to what it is that makes YOU truly YOU. Don’t you feel like you glide through life on autopilot, focusing on tasks, goals, accomplishments, problems and the external realities? Don’t you tend to focus on those things out there or that person out there? You’re concerned about what he is thinking, how he is responding to you, whether he likes you, whether he will be an obstacle and where he will fit in your life? Your conversations may be pleasant but fairly superficial and bluntly, boringly inane. You converse about things/relationships/events out there. You are reluctant to share your thoughts, values, and impressions or take a stand. This doesn’t destroy trust. But it doesn’t create it either. And, if you do take a stand it may serve the purpose of protecting you or entrenching you as you react against someone. This more often than not creates trust barriers. Take some time to reflect on your standards. What are your standards for a relationship? What standards do you hold for yourself? What do you order your life around? What are the 4 top values in your life? What are some themes that you live by? What are you known for? And then…begin letting significant people in your life know. They will respect you. They will know you more deeply. They will thank you for the opportunity to know you. They will see you as a person of character. They will trust you. They can count on you. They know exactly what is behind and within you.

8. Learn to say NO! Sometimes you need to say NO! Often it is crucial to say NO! Saying NO sets boundaries around you that protects you from being hurt or venturing into territory that will be destructive to your heart and soul. You draw a line. You stop tolerating that which drains energy and makes you less than YOU. You refuse to allow the destructive behaviors of others to destroy you. You build a moat around the core of your life. You do this by informing the other person of what they are doing. You request they stop. If they don’t stop, you demand they stop. If they don’t stop you walk away without a snide remark, eye-roll or comment. To some this seems harsh, but saying NO is RESPECTED. Fear is the basis of mistrust. If you fear that someone will hurt you and believe you have no recourse but to endure that hurt, fear will prevail. How can you trust when you are in fear? Saying NO, protecting yourself, sends a message to the other person that you will not live in fear. This usually triggers a response of respect from the other person. After all, if you can protect yourself and refuse subjugation to that which is destructive, will not the other person come to trust you and see you as a person who just might protect him/her from harm as well?

9. Charge Neutral. When your significant other expresses something powerfully, charge neutral. Most of us are afraid of strong feelings or points of contention in a relationship. I commonly hear people respond by defending themselves (to a perceived attack), explaining themselves, counter-attacking, shutting down, or walking away. Of course, the relationship remains stuck in this quagmire of mistrust and fear. Rather than reacting and having your feelings flowing all over the place or shutting down, practice charging neutral. Communicate calmness, not only in your tone of voice but also in how you carry your body. Don’t speak with a charge to your voice. Control your voice! Say what you must say, state the truth and do it directly and calmly. You can do this, once you master your fears. It will dramatically change the flow of the relationship. You will be able to point out something big, without making a big deal out of it. You will be in control of you. This not only feels great, but your partner trusts that you won’t fly or fall apart. You will experience your personal power. This makes you very attractive. Don’t people really trust someone who knows their personal power and how to use it for the welfare of themselves and others? Your partner will love the fact that she can trust you consistently to operate from your “quiet center,” remain engaged, not back down and speak the truth with conviction and calmness.

10. Dig into the dirt. Relationships of emotional investment, by their nature, bring trials, tribulations, fears, chaos, turmoil, change, stretching and growth. They become the grist from which your life is shaped and formed. Be fearless when faced with turmoil, upset, crisis, questions, and fears. When the time is right, seek them out. Move toward the frightening unknown. Dig into the dirt of your relationship and uncover the treasures. Do you really TRUST that this can happen? The purpose of your relationship is not to make you happy. Do you realize this? Happiness may be an outcome, but your other is given to you to move you to where you really want to be. Obstacles, trials and moments of pain are given as lessons on which you intentionally write the script of your life individually and together. Embrace the difficult. Trust that in this embracing you will find more of your true self. Trust that you are given the resources and capacity to face what you and your significant other are to face. Once you are able to believe and trust these ultimate purposes, trusting your significant other will be that much more easy.

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