Marriage/relationships are always in a state of motion. We would hope that means growth as conflict in relationships provides us excellent opportunities for growth as we continue our relationship or marital journey. We need to become proficient at resolving conflict and moving on with what we have learned in the relationship. Even when times appear to be there  darkest we can still find light if we develope good conflict resolution skills-Robert Heard.

Conflict in Marriage – The Causes

Conflict is a normal and major problem in marriage irrespective of who are involved in marriage. It is common to hear people say that they want to marry someone who are compatible to them. That is good and advisable, but it does not remove the chances of conflict. Compatibility, depending on it parameter, can even increase conflict in marriage. If it is only based on material, intellectual or physical content, it can create insubordination, pride and rubbing of shoulders. Consider the high rate of crashed marriages among celebrities, and you will understand what I am talking about.

The conflict in marriage I’m talking about is not that which has gone out of control or come to public knowledge. I am referring to their nascent stage when they are yet issues between the husband and the wife; when it is yet a bedroom affair. It is the inability of the couple to manage it at that low level that will worsen it and make it almost unmanageable. We must note that if an angel, in his perfect state comes to marry a human being on earth, there will be conflict. In fact, there will be more conflict as heartache and other problems will wear the person out. While the angel will be too perfect for the human being, the imperfections of the human being will be horrible for the angel. Yet, that is a combination of perfect and imperfect individuals. Consider, therefore, what will be when you have a combination of imperfect, flawed and a mortal with infirmity.

Why is conflict normal in marriage? The simple truth is that two of you are different one from the other. You have different backgrounds, different ideals and life goals, different levels of exposure and experience in life, different levels of educational attainment, and most importantly, different upbringing. Despite all these differences, two of you came to live together for the rest of your life. There will surely be moments when those differences will come into play in your union, irrespective of how long you courted before marriage. However, the consolation is that is how God, in his infinite wisdom, made it. Besides, it has been so, and will remain so, in all marriages including the most successful ones. So, your own is not an exception, and should not be.

What compounds conflict in marriage are selfishness, pride, impatience and harshness by one or all of the partners. Over-expectation is another cause. When the excitement and enthusiasm of courtship create over-expectation, disappointment will set in if those expectations are not met. But we should know that no matter how long courtship lasts, it is only a mirror which at best shows only the half picture. And the excitement of that period will make the two persons to ignore faults of each other because of the simple fact that they do not stay together all the time. When they begin to stay together it might be difficult for them to ignore or forgive readily. The point is that in marriage there is nothing to hide or pretend about because the real and full image will be on display. Marriage weddings that cost hundreds of thousands of dollars crash after few months or years as a result of this.

Having examined the likely causes of conflict in marriage, the question is how do you overcome them? In my next post I will outline the practical ways of conquering conflict in marriage.

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