Blaming others for your problems

We all dealt with people who blame others all the time and who try to appear to be right by making others appear to be wrong.

Such people are usually afraid to admit that they share a part of the responsibility and so feel more comfortable when someone else carries the blame for a bad thing that happened to them.

Sometimes the act of blaming others can be a cry of pain and a request for support, when the person desperately wants someone else to fix something for him he might blame him in order to motivate himto take action.

All of these kinds of blame are obvious and can be noticed by any person without difficulty but there is a more dangerous type of blaming that is too vague to be noticed and in the same time so powerful and effective to the extent that the person who gets the blame might feel that he is wrong even if he was right.

Blaming others the vague way

“You are Selfish and you only think about yourself”

While this statement can be said to a selfish person it can also come out of a person who was hurt and who found no other way to feel better other than blaming someone else for the pain he feels.

Instead of saying I felt bad because you left me alone that day he denied the responsibility by throwing the blame on someone else.

The same goes for telling someone that he is arrogant instead of admitting that you were afraid that he didn’t like you. Sometimes we give labels to other people such as selfish, arrogant or stubborn in order to get rid of the responsibility and to escape from solving our problems.

It’s much harder to take actions, to solve our problems and to get rid of our emotional wounds than to just blame someone else for our pain.

How to stop blaming others?

• Your childhood & blaming others::If you blame others for your problems then most probably you are still attached to the way you used to be as a child. Children always blame others because they haven’t yet learned how to be responsible for their actions.
• Acceptance and blame: Blaming others is usually an indication of the lack of ability to accept and cope with different situations that occur. Learning how to accept things the right way will certainly help you stop blaming others.
• Weakness & Blaming others:The person who blames others is usually in the week position and he tries to gain some power over the situation by blaming other people. If you want to stop blaming others then you should learn how to become in control of your life, how to be stronger and how to face different life problems.

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You’ve had the interview, now you’re waiting anxiously, eternally… A ringing breaks the silence, your pulse quickens and you snatch the phone: “I’m pleased to tell you…” the voice begins “that we would like to offer you the job ”. Energy sears though your body, a grin spreads across your face – this has been your dream for so long. How you interpret this news, what it means to you, the effect it has on your body, the look on your face, how you prepare to react, and how you feel – all these aspects, each influencing the other, are what forms an emotion. Our everyday language – words like ‘elated’ or ‘ecstatic’ – refer only to how emotion feels to us. But emotion is not a particular state or feeling, rather it is the unfolding of these interconnected processes of interpretation, bodily reaction and expression. An emotion is not instantaneous, nor is it prolonged like a mood, rather emotion is a brief episode of synchronised changes in your mind and body.

How we interpret and assess new information and situations is a fundamental aspect of emotion. There is no fixed human reaction to the news of a job offer. You might have to move overseas away from family and friends. Perhaps you’re harbouring nerves and self-doubt: can you really cope with the new responsibility? Or maybe this new job didn’t matter to you much at all, in which case your body remains calm, unstirred.

What are emotions good for?

There are advantages to having emotions. Without emotions, we would react spontaneously and robotically to events around us. With emotions, situations have meaning, there is a lull as new information is assessed and evaluated in relation to our past experiences, our ambitions and desires. Emotions are crucial to learning and memory: positive emotions motivate us toward rewarding situations and resources, negative emotions avert us from harm and distress. Emotions also prepare our bodies internally for the action we need to take to maintain our goals and desires. Facing a mugger with a knife, fear sends blood rushing to our limbs in preparation for taking flight. On stage, addressing a crowd, adrenaline races through our veins enhancing our performance and speeding our thoughts.

Emotions also serve a social function. Our facial expression, our tone of voice, even our body language, convey to others something of what we are thinking and feeling. In the case of your job offer, the delight and enthusiasm in your voice will hopefully signal to your new employer that they’ve made the right choice. Spend a few minutes at an airport arrivals lounge and you’ll see emotional communication begins long before words are uttered, as eyebrows are raised and smiles shared in a visible display of welcoming. Indeed, around the world, across cultures there is remarkable consistency in the facial expressions associated with certain feelings like happiness, fear and anger. Again, in the presence of threat, the urgency of these signals is magnified – a look of terror warns others, a shrill scream deters the enemy.

Emotions are generally under control

People often speak as if we are slaves to our emotions, slaves to uncontrollable rage and unbridled passions. But in reality, most visible displays of emotion are not entirely beyond our control. In fact one purpose of the ‘feeling’ aspect of emotion is to inform us about our own outward emotional expression so that we might alter it according to our goals or conform with social norms. Offering an early insight into ‘emotional intelligence’, Aristotle wrote in the Nicomachean Ethics that in order to be taken seriously, one needs to be able to get angry for the right reason, at the right person and in the right manner. Consider breaking the news about your job to your best friend – they might smile and congratulate you with cheer to signal their pleasure at your good news, but perhaps inside their reaction is more complicated. Maybe their smile conceals a private jealousy that they will be overshadowed by your success, or a sadness that you will now be moving far away. Or consider that you received the news, not at home alone, but by mobile on a crowded bus. Now your reaction is more muted, an outward flicker of relief and joy barely detected by the couple sitting opposite.

How many emotions are there?

So an emotion is a series of synchronised, interconnected changes in our thoughts and in the state of our body, preparing us, affecting how we feel, and the way we appear, from the look on our face to the sound of our voice. And this all occurs in light of what a new situation means to us, based on our past experiences, the social context, our goals and desires. But if that’s what an emotion is, just how many emotions are there?

Philosophers and psychologists have grappled with this question for centuries, proffering wildly contrasting estimates along the way. Wilhelm Wundt in 1874 proposed that all emotions could essentially be described along three dimensions – pleasantness vs. unpleasantness, excitement vs. depression, and tension vs. relaxation. Supporting this, modern research shows people can easily and reliably classify emotional labels according to the first two of Wundt’s dimensions. Meanwhile, Paul Ekman and others, following Darwin, have argued for the existence of certain basic emotions, classifiable according to the universally recognisable facial expressions of happiness, disgust, surprise, sadness, anger and fear. But if there are only six core emotions, what are we to make of all the hundreds of words that we use to describe emotions?

The truth is there are probably as many emotions as there are meaningful situations to be encountered. And while no two emotional experiences are identical, there are obviously different types of facial expression that are commonly associated with certain kinds of emotion. Verbal labels, meanwhile, simply represent one of the ways we struggle, along with the use of metaphor and analogy, to convey something of what an emotion was like for us to experience.

Why emotions are special

What is it then that distinguishes an emotion from other states of mind and body that we experience: our moods, whether we are tired or hungry and so on? The key is that an emotion is a brief episode that urgently synchronises changes to our mental and physical being, so that we might react in our best interest to the situation before us, while simultaneously signalling our intent to others. Contrast that with our mood – a prolonged state of mind whose cause might be hours, days or even weeks old. Contrast it with personality – a set of pervasive traits that predict our tendency to behave in a certain way. Or with fatigue, which describes our mental and physical energy levels, our willingness and ability to act. Emotions, moods, and fatigue might all feel like ‘something’ to experience, but it is the brief duration of an emotion, its synchronisation, the role of interpretation, and the functions that it serves, that together distinguish an emotion from these other states.

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1. DON’T TAKE YOUR PARTNER FOR GRANTED.

A Martin Holt Original

Think about this question for a moment. Are you as polite, kind and considerate to your partner as you are to a casual acquaintance? For most of us, the answer is no. How come? How is it that this same person that you now hardly give a moment’s thought to, unless it’s negative, could be the same one to whom you once were so loving, giving and appreciative?

Let’s face it. We’re all guilty of amnesia. After a time, we just seem to forget about all those small and large kindnesses that our partners do for us. Or, if we don’t forget, we just come to expect that it’s part of our partner’s job description. When a relationship reaches the point at which amnesia or expectation replaces appreciation, then trouble is close at hand.

EXERCISE:

You can change that. You can start by not assuming that those things that your partner does for you are obligatory. In fact, I would suggest you take a piece of paper and write down those things that your partner does for you – both large and small. Then honestly ask yourself, among those things that your partner does for you, do you ever show appreciation and in what manner do you express it? Most likely, you’ll discover that for many of the kindnesses on the list you’ve probably never said “Thank you. I really appreciate you for…”

So if you would like to breathe some life into your relationship, let me suggest the following. Try committing yourself to a week of thank you’s and notice the change.

2. DON’T MIND-READ.

A Martin Holt Original

Don’t assume that you know what your partner is thinking and feeling. There’s a good chance you could be wrong, and wrong assumptions cause unnecessary conflict.

Imagine this situation. You walk into the living room and there’s your husband sitting on his favorite chair glaring at the wall. His lips are tight; his jaw is clenched. Your immediate reaction: fear. “What did I do? Why is he so angry at me?” You tentatively approach him, “What’s the matter, Bill?” you ask, expecting him to pour his wrath upon you. Bill slowly turns toward you. The tense, angry look begins to melt and he says sadly, “I’ve been laid off.”

“Thank God,” you almost blurt out, “at least it wasn’t me.”

In this case, the woman checked out her assumptions and found out that her husband wasn’t upset with her. Yet how often does it happen that we make the wrong assumptions and just go on believing them without ever discovering if they’re true?

It often happens during the process of marital therapy that assumptions, illusions and fantasies are exposed as false or only partially true. For example, the angry, critical husband who supposedly hates his wife might in fact be an insecure man who is convinced that his wife doesn’t love him. Perhaps, as in one case that I know of, a distant, rejecting wife turned out to be a very sad woman, mourning the loss of her mother. So, to quote my former basic training drill sergeant, “Assumptions are the mother of all f-ups.” Don’t assume. Check it out.

EXERCISE:

Take a piece of paper and without thinking too much about it, complete the following sentence: “I assume that my partner thinks or feels…. about me.” After you compile your list, try checking out some of these assumptions.

3. DON’T BLAME.

A Martin Holt Original

How easy it is to say, “It’s your fault. You made me do it. It’s because of you that things are so bad between us. You’re the reason I feel so miserable.” It’s so hard to look at ourselves and ask, “What’s my part in creating the difficulties between us?” The problem with blaming is that it never solves anything and it nearly always triggers a negative reaction.

When each of us blames, we deny our partner the opportunity to think seriously about our words and to respond in a thoughtful manner. In addition, anyone who feels blamed usually responds in kind. The result is either a skirmish or all out war. Your partner is now your enemy who you must disarm or even destroy at all costs. All is fair in love and war– and marriage is both.

So what’s the antidote to blaming? The answer is simple: Take responsibility for yourself. Putting it into practice is a challenge. It’s hard to give up that feeling of being right. It’s so difficult to let go of that need to force a confession out of our partners. I’ll let you in on a marital truth: Being “right” in a relationship is the booby prize. You win; the relationship loses. Don’t you want the relationship to win? You’ll win, too. Try looking hard at what your part is in creating the conflict. Ask yourself, “What am I doing to create distance and hurt?” If you’re not sure, let me help you out. Most likely you are blaming.

EXERCISE:

Try the following exercise to help you make the switch from blaming to taking responsibility for your behavior. First, write a list of all the ways you blame your spouse. For example, “It’s because of you that the house is a mess,” or “You’re the reason Bobby is running around with a bad crowd. It’s because you never spend anytime with him.” Second, take a good hard look at yourself and record what you’re responsible for. Third, look for solutions in each of these situations. In the last example, she might consider telling her husband, “I’m worried that Bobby’s running around with a bad crowd. I’d like to talk about what we can do about it.” She might be pleasantly surprised to discover that when approached respectfully, her husband, on his own, will realize that he needs to spend more time with his son.

4. DON’T PLAY SHRINK.

A Martin Holt Original

In other words, “Don’t interpret!” Don’t assume you understand your partner’s deepest motivations and the subtlest nuances of his behavior. You may think you’re objective, but let me tell you, nobody who is deeply involved in a relationship can maintain professional distance. More often than not, interpretations don’t come from a place of selfless concern and a desire to help. Rather, if we’re honest with ourselves, we’d recognize that these so-called truthful statements about our spouse are just disguised resentments, cloaked in a garment of objective concern.

Perhaps, you’re like me. I don’t want my wife to interpret what I think and feel. I want her to listen. I want her to hear. I want her to respond as a friend, as someone who is concerned about me. There are two antidotes to interpretations: The first is to be clear about our resentments and not to express them covertly through our analysis of our partner’s behavior. The second is to listen in an open, loving manner.

EXERCISE:

Try the following exercise: The next time your partner talks to you, work extra hard at trying to understand her. Practice active listening by non-verbally indicating that you’re hearing him. You can do this by maintaining eye contact and holding your partner’s hand or embracing her in a caring, non-sexual manner. Periodically, respond with supportive statements that acknowledge how your partner feels. An example might be, “I understand how angry you are at your boss. If I were you, I’d sure be furious.”

5. DON’T SAY YES WHEN YOU MEAN NO.

A Martin Holt Original

We’re often afraid to say no to our partners. Perhaps, you’re scared that he’ll become angry, or, maybe, if you were to say “I’m sorry, I just don’t want to do that,” she’d be disappointed and you’d start feeling guilty. So, instead of asserting ourselves and saying what we want, we end up doing the opposite and often feel resentful. The problem with saying yes when we mean no is that we stop being real in the relationship. There’s no intimacy in a relationship without honesty.

It may be that when you start to say no when you mean no, you’ll say yes when you mean yes. Your honesty might increase the trust in your relationship. More likely, however, the change in your behavior will at first be threatening to your partner. Remember he’s not used to you being so honest. She might be painfully surprised to learn that not all of your yes’s were indeed yes’s.

It’s important to know that anytime you change the rules in a relationship there’s bound to be conflict. That’s okay. Conflict is often necessary for a relationship to grow. Through conflict two people can create a deeper understanding of one another and develop a stronger bond.

If you already have a strong connection with your spouse, then your commitment to honesty will only deepen that relationship. If you don’t, I recommend you proceed carefully. Before you start being totally honest, try assessing what your partner’s reaction will be. Perhaps the most effective way of asserting yourself is to speak to your partner about how you feel and insist that the two of you get professional help. The process of reaching a deeper level of honesty is often bumpy, but once you arrive, it’s well worth it.

EXERCISE:

Try the following exercise:

1. Write the following on a piece of paper: “I’m afraid to tell my partner….”

2. Prioritize the list, one being the easiest of your truths to reveal, two, the second easiest and so on.

3. Imagine approaching your partner and telling him or her the truth. Notice how you feel as you do that. Try breathing easily and gently tell yourself to relax.

4. When you’re able to visualize speaking to your partner, then take the risk of doing it in reality. Start with the easiest (1) and go down your list.

6. DON’T USE SILENCE AS A WEAPON.

A Martin Holt Original

Silence is a deadly weapon. It’s easier to deal with a non-violent, verbal fight where at least you get out what’s bothering you than an icy silence where all you can do is imagine how many different ways your partner hates you. So, if you don’t want to kill your relationship, then you need to learn how to express resentments in a way that can be heard, acknowledged and resolved. That skill is of utmost importance in a relationship; without it, small problems become major catastrophes.

So, how do you learn to say all those things that are so hard to say? And, how do you say them to a partner who may tell you to go take a flying leap? Granted, it’s not easy but making a relationship work never is. Try the following and get back to us and tell us what happened.

EXERCISE:

1. Write a list of your resentments in the following way: “I resent you for x.”

2. Write a letter to your partner about what’s bothering you. Don’t blame. Try to start from a positive, loving place. An example might be:

“Dear Bill, I feel a real need to talk about us. I love you and want our marriage to work. What I’m about to tell you might hurt you. It’s not my intention. What I want is for us to be close. But there are things I want to get off my chest. Please think about what I’m writing and try hard not to react with anger. This is hard for me but here goes:

I am upset with…..”

Don’t dump the kitchen sink on your partner. Mention a few of the most important things that are bothering you. If you are aware of what your part is in creating problems, mention it. Your partner will be much more open to looking at his part if he feels you’re doing the same.

7. DON’T ACT OUT.

A Martin Holt Original

What does it mean to act out? Acting out is indirectly expressing feelings and emotions through behavior. For example, a teenage girl might act out sexually as a way of expressing her anger toward her parents. She’s unable to relate directly to them and say what’s really bothering her so she uses attention getting behaviors which alarm and infuriate the parents. This is an awkward and indirect way of establishing a relationship. It’s often done unconsciously and it frequently occurs in marriage.

People act out by having affairs, by making messes, by withdrawing, by becoming depressed, and even by suicide. They can act out by being irresponsible with money. There is no end to the ways that we have of saying, “I’m really angry at you.”

So what is the antidote to this? Direct communication – learning how to tell your partner what’s really on your mind. With acting out you never get to the source of the problem. You only harm yourself and each other.

EXERCISE:

1. Find a quiet, comfortable place where you will not be disturbed for 30 minutes.

2. Close your eyes and breathe easily and effortlessly. Stay focused on your breathing. In a relaxed manner observe your breath as you inhale and exhale.

3. After a few minutes ask yourself the following question: “What is it that I do that bothers my partner?” For example, it might be the mess you leave; the way you spend money, or your lateness. Be honest with yourself.

4. After you’ve become aware of these behaviors write them down. If you’re aware that these behaviors upset your partner, then ask yourself “Do you wish to continue to use these methods to aggravate your partner?” If the answer is “No,” then ask yourself, “What purpose do these behaviors serve and what would be a more effective way of communicating the feelings that these behaviors are expressing?

5. Be aware that this process might uncover some deep hurts and resentments. Remember dealing with the truth is ultimately the only way to heal your relationship. Be careful not to dump all of your negative feelings on your partner at once. Think about how and when to begin to share your feelings.

8. DON’T THREATEN.

A Martin Holt Original

All is fair in love and war and marriage is no exception. Let’s not kid ourselves. Even the most loving relationship can degenerate into a vicious struggle between bitter enemies. In this dangerous marital game nothing is sweeter than getting even and the only thing that matters is winning. Verbal and physical threats and abuse become the weapons of marital discord.

The only advice you can give to a couple who are engaged in such a struggle is: “Immediately seek help or get out.” Thankfully, most of us are not contestants in such a fierce and destructive battle. More than that, I’m assuming that each of you wants to learn how to create a peaceful and loving relationship. If so, let me be bold enough to make a stern warning. Never threaten your partner or act in any way that frightens, intimidates or abuses your spouse.

No matter how angry you are, make the following pledge to yourself: Under no circumstances whatsoever will I verbally or physically threaten my spouse. If you’re not clear about what a threat is, let me define it as any statement, gesture or act that is designed to create physical or emotional pain in your partner.

A partner who threatens is a partner who may feel deeply hurt and wounded by his spouse and/or may be someone who himself was verbally or physically abused. The only way he knows to relieve his suffering is by making his spouse as miserable as he. If getting even seems more important than being heard, then you’re one small step from a dangerous crisis.

In reality, if I were to ask a couple who were engaged in a dangerous relationship such as this, “Do you really want to hurt each other?” their answers would invariably be, “No, I just get so frustrated when she doesn’t hear me that I just lose it,” or “I hate what’s happening to us but I’ve tried so hard to get him to understand me but he just refuses to listen. It’s just gotten to the point where all I want to do is hurt him.” Out of hurt and frustration they resort to violence believing that it is the only way they can protect themselves.

EXERCISE:

I would like to suggest the following exercise to help reduce rage. I want to reiterate that this is no substitute for professional help which is essential in a situation like this.

If you find yourself filled with rage toward your spouse do the following:

1. Go into a room where you won’t be disturbed and either with your hands or a tennis racket beat a pillow until you feel your rage dissipating. It might be helpful to yell, curse or scream as you’re beating the pillow. I would recommend you do that if no one will hear you.

2. Next, take a paper and list all the ways you resent your partner. Start each sentence with I resent you for …..

3. Write a letter to your partner and tell him or her what’s bothering you. Try not to blame but write about your hurt and loneliness and what’s missing in the relationship.

9. DON’T DISCOUNT.

A Martin Holt Original

A discount is a remark designed to reduce your partner’s self-worth. Some examples of discounting statements are: “You’re so lazy,” “You’re irresponsible and untrustworthy,” and “You’re a terrible father and an awful husband.”

It’s amazing how brilliant each of us can be when it comes to identifying every one of our partner’s blemishes. I doubt that there’s one among us who is unable to offer a detailed list of his or her partner’s bad habits, unacceptable character traits and generally difficult behaviors. In the midst of an argument the temptation to use this information can be overwhelmingly powerful.

TRY TO RESIST. IF NOT, YOU CAN BE SURE YOUR PARTNER WILL RESPOND IN ONE OF TWO WAYS: HE OR SHE WILL EITHER RESPOND IN KIND OR DENY. NEITHER REACTION EVER SOLVES PROBLEMS OR CREATES INTIMACY.

I’m assuming that you would like to learn a more effective way to express your resentments. If so, let me suggest that instead of making angry statements that begin with “You,” try making “I statements.” Examples of “I statements” are: “I feel angry when…” “I resent it when you do such and such a thing…” Not “You are such an idiot!” “You are such a slob!” “You always leave messes!” or “You’re just like your mother. Both of you are disorganized incompetents.” I promise you, her behavior won’t change as a result of that piece of feedback.

However, it might, if you were to say, “You know, Bill, it bothers me when the house is not clean. I know you’re busy and I know it’s hard for you but I would appreciate it if you would help me clean it up.” Now, I’m not promising that he won’t be defensive, but I do believe he’ll be less reactive than if you were to tell him what a slob he is.

EXERCISE:

1. Make a list of all the angry “you statements” that you can think of.

2. Change the “you statements” into “I statements” by writing “I feel x (your feeling) when you do y (your partner’s behavior).

3. Practice making “I statements” with your partner.

10. DON’T TRIANGULATE.

A Martin Holt Original

It’s frightening to admit, but a couple in conflict instinctively behaves like two nations preparing for war. In each case, the warring parties create alliances in order to strengthen their respective hands. Where they differ is that a couple in a conflictual relationship sometimes develops those alliances unconsciously.

In a relationship, the partner that feels the most discomfort eventually withdraws from the other and finds a third person who functions as a supportive ally. In the lingo of marital psychology this is called triangulation. For example, a wife who is feeling lonely and cut off from her husband might increase her involvement with one or more of the children as a way of decreasing her unhappiness. A child who is especially sensitive to the suffering of one of the parents might decide to become that parent’s “caregiver.” A kid in that role almost always feels torn apart and on some level resentful about having to parent the parent.

Sometimes an acting-out teenager will unconsciously stabilize the relationship between the parents. It is as if the kid has a super radar that picks up on his or her parents’ marital distress and responds by drawing each of them away from their conflict toward his drug abuse or her pregnancy or his suspension or her school failure. There is no end to the creative ways children can act out in order to divert their parents from dealing with the uncomfortable truth about their marriage.

The third person in this triangle is not always one of the children. It can be a parent, a sibling, a friend or a lover. The function of this person is to reduce the strain between the couple. For example, a man who believes that his wife has lost interest in him could conceivably reduce the tension he feels by having an affair. Until his wife finds out, the level of conflict between them will most likely subside. He also might shift his loyalty to his mother who then becomes his confidant and advisor often to the detriment of the marriage. As long as there are triangles, it’s impossible for a couple to deal directly with whatever is the source of their problem. It is an obstacle to intimacy and real marital love. However, it’s hard both for the partner and the third person to withdraw from their involvement with one another. In the situation of the affair, the lover might not want to end the relationship and the man may be unwilling to give up the easy intimacy of the new relationship for the difficult challenge of making his marriage work.

If the third person is a child, he or she might begin to act out as a way of re-engaging the parent. It often takes professional help from a qualified marital or family therapist to help a couple to disengage from a triangle so that it’s not destructive for one or more of the people who are involved.

The cure for triangulation is trust and intimacy. The question is how does a couple whose relationship is marked by conflict, rejection and mistrust turn it around? If there’s no trust, how do you develop a trusting relationship? I am going to propose the following steps to help you move in that direction:

EXERCISE

1. One of you has to be honest about the marriage. In other words, be straight with yourself about what’s missing. Write down what you would like to change in your relationship. For example, if you hardly spend any time with one another, you might write, “I would like to spend one evening a week alone with you.”

2. Write a letter to your partner and tell him or her what’s bothering you about the relationship. Avoid blaming and write about how you would like to improve the marriage.

3. In a few days, approach your partner and try to talk about what you’ve written. If the response is positive, then begin the work on improving your relationship. You may need professional help to succeed. If your partner is willing, look for a competent marital therapist. Not all mental health professionals are experienced in marital therapy so be sure that whoever you find is a qualified marital therapist.

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Have you ever realised that once after marriage, your tolerance towards your spouse’s flaws dropped drastically?

I think it is a common phenomenon among married couples after their big wedding day. They find faults so much easier in their marriage life compared to their courtship life.

In courtship days, things are still so much magical, pleasant and the reality of life had not set in yet. Couples only come to realise that their partners, being so human, only have flaws that normal humans do have.

I have to admit that I am guilty of doing this too and admiting it doens’t mean I’m wrong. We all make mistakes and it is only scary when couples claim that their relationship is forever conflict and argument free.

It is even worse when they say they never took each other for granted before.

There are alot of times our expectations towards each other elevated over the years and we easily get grumpy when the hidden expectations on our spouses are not met.

This is a trap and third parties become so much attractive.

There is a saying that marriage is not ruined because of third party. Marriage is already going downhill and that is when third party comes in.

So let’s see what we can do not to take our spouses for granted.

First, don’t expect your spouse to evolve into someone else after marriage. Remember it is because you love that person and that why both of you got married. If you don’t expect yourself to change, don’t expect your spouse to comply.

Second, lay out your expectations for your spouse. Identify which are the unrealistic ones and strike them off. For example, if you expect your spouse to be more caring towards you and she is already doing her best, it is unrealistic to push her off limits. It is unfair for her.

If you want to have more care from her, show her more care first.

Third, talk it out. Couples love to play mind games. It is a stupid game, in fact the stupidest game that even children find it childish. But couples play that all the time. Talk it out verbally. Don’t expect your spouse to be psychic and read your mind.

Fourth, check out what you can do and what you can’t do. Even if the expectation from your spouse is realistic, ask yourself if you are comfortable doing that. Lay out a timeframe if you want to change for your partner. For example, some ladies can be really unforgiving towards their husbands and put them down all the times. If they are going to learn to give more praises, they need to be given a realistic amount of time to even stop saying negative things.

Fifth, appreciate your spouse for even willing to change a little bit for you. Give each other alot of hugs and kisses and say “thank you” to each other. Again, remember no mind game. Don’t expect your spouse to read “thank you” off your forehead.

Say it! Say “thank you”!

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Divorce is leaving and ending up the relationship with your hubby. When you marriage is not successful and everything is not going to the right track. then you should definitely think about how to avoid divorce. so, few divorce tips are

These days peoples are taking divorce after living many years together. Many time we see married peoples taking divorce after living 20 – 25 years or more. These days rate of divorce are very high and keep increasing in U.S. and Europe. Few countries have far less divorce rate as compared to Europe but these third world countries are not yet developed like European countries.

2) Leave all differences: You should not adamant on your things. If you want to keep your partner happy. Keep aside your Ego first. then behave in lovely manner, that is what matter to every person. Before love anyone can melt.

3) Compromise with your partner: Compromise don’t make anyone small, doing this is big thing. Not everyone can compromise. Doing this required big heart. so, big and do some compromise. if you do so, your partner will wonder WHY? they think if sun rises from west.

4) Learn from grass: Grass is the perfect example of politeness. you should learn politeness. what if she is your wife. behave her with respect and care. You will see difference in few days.

5) Don’t expect : This is what you should avoid. Don’t expect anything in return. Whatever you do think as your responsibility. So, whatever you do for others don’t expect anything in return. Like zen habits. Like this you will be happy for sure.

6) Forgive other: Forgiveness is biggest thing in this world. If you hubby do some mistake then you should forgive them. And don’t insult them by realising anything. Don’t talk these thing again if you do so, this will be insult for them.

7) Go for long walk: Slow and steady morning and evening walk is good for health but this is better for relationship too. Your relationship will magiaclly change by doing so.

Gift: Give some gift, even it is small rose. small small things matter in life. so, do gifts too.

9) Romantic dinner: You do dinner daily, but plan some day good and romantic dinner in candle lights. You will see the how beautiful the life is.

10) Hugs and Kisses: Give them a warm hug and kiss. Make them realise how much you care for them. Look this effort will work for sure.

These Divorce tips will surely avoid any change future problems. also, These things help in day to day life too. Before getting any red flag from your partner, you should nurture relationship. So, no more thinking about avoiding divorce

When you are both standing at the altar with stars in your eyes and love in your hearts, it is difficult to think how differently things can be in a short time in the future. For some, that short time is measured in months or even weeks, and for others that time frame is measured in years. It is amazing to note the number of divorces that occur after a couple has been married for 25, 30, or even more years in today’s society.

But in truth, except in extreme cases, chances are high that at least one of you, if not both of you, really do not want a divorce. A divorce has a permanence about it that neither one of you want to face. There will be ramifications from family members, friends, your church or synagogue, at your place of employment, and you just really do not want all those hassles. You need to be asking yourself if a divorce is really what you want, or if there are some things that you could and should be doing differently, looking at from a different perspective, and taking a more subjective viewpoint with. After all, you realized a long time ago that marriage is a set of compromises, and more often than not, a simple conversation about those compromises will clearly show that one or the other of you, and mostly likely both of you, are not living up to those compromises.

Divorce usually becomes a situation when two people who were once very close, perhaps even soul mates, have become separated. Perhaps not separated physically, but separated in terms of being mentally on the same page with the same goals and the same objectives. So digging a little deeper, the root cause is almost always communications, or rather, a LACK of communication between the two of you. So would increased communication get you back on the same page again? A surprisingly high number of cases, after counseling, report that the answer to that question is yes.

Like anything else, communication is a two way street. One person cannot do all the talking and the other one do all the listening. Talking is a skill that most of us are born with, but very few of us have really mastered, or even tried to master the fine art of listening. You need to listen to what your partner is saying, and value that input since that is what they are thinking, that is what they are at right now. They are probably giving you clues, like a road map, in terms of how to get back on the same page as you are on.

First, determine what has caused you to stop communicating effectively. In today’s world, the answer to that is frequently the fact that both of you are working full time, and at the end of the day, since you both put so much of yourself into your job, you have very little energy left over to devote to your relationship. It goes without saying that such a situation is not good and will inevitably without fail be detrimental to your relationship. Make an effort to save some of your energy to communicate with your spouse after a long hard day at work. It may actually help you to unwind, instead of rerunning the day’s hassles in your mind, to put those things out of your mind and concentrate on something else, like your spouse, what they did today, and what was important in their day. Showing interest in the other is always a step closer towards effective communication.

For some couples, however, this is not enough. They have drifted too far apart for too long of a time to be able to effectively reestablish communication between them. There are more considerations you should be thinking about before the answer of divorce should be considered, however, all of which should be very seriously considered prior to deciding that divorce is the only viable answer, because in a surprising number of cases, divorce was only one of many viable options.

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How to seek intimacy in a marriage

All relationship needs intimacy. What intimacy means to women and to a man can be of different views. To have a solid relationship,both sexes need intimacy.

Mostly when women thinks of intimacy is usually emotional intimacy that frequently involves individuals discussing their feelings and emotions with each other to have more understanding and mutual support. This form of intimacy on a regular basis helps to develop and maintain good mental health. When a woman says, ‘Let’s talk first,’ she is not being coy or playing hard to get. A woman needs to feel an emotional bond before sex begins. Sure, a woman can have sex without the emotional bond, however, for a lasting relationship, this emotional bond must be present. Feeling emotionally attached to your partner takes the physical intimacy to a level that simple sex cannot achieve.

For a man, intimacy generally means physical intimacy. That is how they feel close to their partner. That does not mean they do not have an emotional connection, because for a lasting relationship, this is required. However, aside from sex as simply sex, men also need the physical intimacy to feel loved Sex alone is not enough.

The emotional connection must be there for it to be meaningful. Performing without feeling will not meet a man’s needs on this level.

Physical intimacy for women on the other hand, does not always mean sex. Women generally like to start with hugging, kissing, and other forms of physical intimacy before sex begins. Men also enjoy these things, however, to feel connected to their partner men usually need sex too. Men and women are really looking for the same thing. It is their approach that differs. We all want to feel connected. Women place more importance on the emotional connection and men on the physical, but both are required by everyone. Here are a few suggestions that can make your connection with your partner stronger and build intimacy on every level.

Men, take the time to talk, hold hands, hug, kiss, connect to your women. When she says, ‘I’m not in the mood,’ it is because you haven’t taken the time to do these things. This doesn’t mean walk up, say hi, give her a hug and kiss, and start groping. Instead, try this approach, ask her about her day, care about her feelings and discuss them. Hold her hand or put your arm around her as you talk. Give her a hug and kiss here and there without expecting more. When she is talked out, she will usually be as ready for physical intimacy as you are. Discussing your feelings with her will build trust between you and create a strong emotional bond.

Women, if you are in a committed, long-term relationship, understand that men need sex to continue to feel connected to you. Refusing a man is the same thing as a slap in the face. This doesn’t mean you have to perform every time he demands it. Far from it. Explain to him what you need to be in the mood for sex. Men do not always understand a women’s needs because they have never been told. Often times, once a man understands, he will try to give you what you need. Remember, too long without sex erodes a man’s belief that you love him.

Improving intimacy is one of the most important things in a relationship. The first step in building a strong, long-lasting relationship is the understanding on how to meet your partner’s needs.

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How Often Do You Touch Your Spouse?

Have you touched your spouse today? Think about that question. Really ponder it.

And I’m not necessarily talking about sex, although that certainly counts.

What I want to know is this. Can you remember the last time you hugged? Kissed? Held hands? Stroked his forearm? Ran your fingers through her hair? Did the bump? Spooned? Patted him on the back? Rubbed her feet or shoulders?

When I was working on my marriage, I thought about those very questions and my answer was, “I can’t remember.” Just couldn’t. Not only were we not having sex, we were not touching at all. Ever. We were two people who co-existed in the same bed and who only touched by accident. (Oh, sorry, I was just rolling over. I didn’t mean to punch you in the face. Really, it was an accident!)

So my husband and I embarked on a touching project. The goal was simple: touch more often.

Initially, it was forced. I’d try to hold his hand while we walked. He’s 6 foot 1. I’m 5 foot 4 on a tall day. (My doctor says I’m 5 foot 3, but I only visit the doctor when I’m experiencing a short day). To hold his hand, I had to hold my arm in an unnatural position. It was God awful uncomfortable.

It was the same with spooning. I could not find a way to snuggle my backside into his front without feeling as if I was about to be crushed to death.

And when I tried to snuggle next to him on the couch, he’d get all fidgety and complain that I was putting his arm to sleep.

Honestly, it seemed as if our marriage was doomed, you know?

But we persevered. Eventually we realized that when I lied on the couch, the side of my butt made the perfect armrest for him. Instead of holding hands, we walked with my hand in his elbow. In bed, I lightly rested my foot against his calf.

Now I hug him and give him a peck on the cheek whenever one of us leaves the house. Whenever I walk past him, I run my fingers over his back. If he says something naughty, I spank him or elbow him in the ribs. And if he’s been a really good boy, I have even been known to wake him on Sunday mornings with a back rub.

Oh, and we do high fives and fist bumps, too, because we’re young and hip like that.

I now know that I can more easily confront him if I do it with my hand on his thigh. He knows that I’m less likely to take my stressful day out on him if he rubs my shoulders, gives me a hug, or kisses me on the cheek.

Researchers say that happier couples touch more often than couples that are mired in bad marriages. They think that touch might help us relax, so our brains are more receptive to problem solving. And they even say that touch may be just as effective as words when it comes to communicating your emotions. Indeed, in one fascinating study volunteers were able to accurately communicate anger, sadness, happiness and other emotions to a blind person just by touching that person in different ways.

So make it your marriage improvement goal to touch your spouse at least once a day every day this week. Once you can accomplish that, double your touching frequency. Then double it again.

I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised by how something so simple could improve your marriage so much.

Can you remember the last time you touched your spouse? When did you stop touching your spouse? What stops you from touching your spouse? Let’s explore the challenges that hold us back in the comments.

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One of the fastest ways to improve your marriage is to put your love into action. One excellent way to put your love into action is through touch. And no guys, I do not mean groping your wife. Non-sexual loving touch helps to bond you together. Consistently nurturing that bond creates intimacy in your relationship.

It is the small everyday gestures of kindness and love that will fortify your relationship. As my partner, Dallas Munkholm, often puts it, “If you don’t do the little things, then the big things are just so much fluff.” That grand gesture will seem very hollow if are not doing the everyday things that say, “I care about you.”

We have had many clients who say, “I just don’t feel like I love him (or her) anymore.” This unfortunately is a common theme in couples seeking marriage counseling. Contrary to what many believe love is not a feeling it is something that you do. Loving feelings follow loving actions.

You may not feel very loving toward your partner right now, but if you begin to consistently give small gifts of love, if you touch with love and kindness, you will find those loving feelings returning. These loving touches and gifts of love are to be given freely, with no strings attached. There is no room for keeping score or expecting anything in return.

You have heard the saying, “Reach out and touch someone today.” Well reach out and touch your partner today and everyday. Enjoy the warmth and closeness that comes from connecting with one another.

We had clients, we will call Jen and Matt. Jen refused to even sit next to Matt while they were watching TV. Her reason was that every time he touched her he wanted sex. She wanted to be able to be close, touch and be held; but she withdrew because she felt that if she was willing to be touched the demand for sex would be there.

Matt found that when he was willing to touch Jen in non-sexual ways–to cuddle and be close without expecting that sex would follow–that he actually enjoyed the closeness. He also found that Jen became a much more willing lover when she felt loved and connected to him in other ways.

There are enumerable ways to lovingly touch your partner. Here are some examples. Try them out. Be creative and make up your own.

1. Hold hands while you are walking.

2. Put your hand on your partner’s leg while you are driving

3. Sit close enough to touch arms or legs.

4. Caress your partner’s hand and arm.

5. Give your partner a foot massage.

6. Or a hand, shoulder or neck massage.

7. Kiss your partner before you leave the house.

8. Kiss your partner when you return.

9. Play footsie at the restaurant or elsewhere.

10. Dance in the kitchen.

11. Straighten his tie.

12. Tuck in a stray tag.

13. Touch your partner’s hair

14. Brush against each other as you pass.

15. Hug often.

16. “Spoon” or touch while sleeping.

17. Brush your partner’s cheek.

18. Run your fingers across their back.

19. Kiss your partner’s hand or the back of their neck.

20. Sit on your partner’s lap or have them sit on yours.

It only takes a moment to lovingly connect with your partner, but the positive energy created by that connection lasts much longer. Accumulating enough of this positive energy will elevate your relationship to a new high.

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