Passages of Marriage: Five Growth Stages

Our very nature throws into marriage certain clinkers that we do not recognize and cannot anticipate. Those clinkers are generated by our families of origin—by the way our relatives did things, said things, and hid things. Dr. Hemfelt likens them to time-release capsules. Things can be chugging along comfortably. Suddenly, with no warning, one of those time-release beads goes off. The union is not what it was, and something has gone dreadfully awry.

Yet these and other changes in a marriage, can be turned from bad to good once you recognize what they are. A marriage that appears dull and mundane can be made to sparkle. A hopeless situation can emerge into bright promise. A good union can be made better. It all depends upon finding and managing the sources of trouble, the clinkers and changes. We want to help you do that.

Because no marriage is perfect, every couple weathers these problems to some extent. But when the problems loom too large to handle and threaten the union, trouble will follow.

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July 2000
PRINCIPLES FOR A POSITIVE MARRIAGE
By Joyce Parker, Ph.D.

When Steve and Susan decided to marry, all their friends and family thought they were a perfect match. But, now, two years after the wedding, they are on the brink of divorce. What happened to this relationship that looked so promising? New research is helping therapists understand the elements of a successful marriage and those factors that spell disaster for the relationship. John Gottman, Ph.D., a psychologist and professor in the Department of Psychology at the University of Washington in Seattle has been studying what makes marriages last for over 20 years. He can now predict which couples will divorce with 91% accuracy. Dr. Gottman has written an excellent self-help book for couples, Why Marriages Succeed or Fail; And How You Can Make Yours Last.

He has discovered that there are some myths about functional marriages that haven’t held up under scrutiny from his team of researchers. First, in successful marriages individuals are no more understanding when their partner becomes negative and angry than in unsuccessful marriages. Second, negativity exists in all marriages. Finally, 69% of marital conflicts are never resolved. It appears that when you marry someone, you marry a particular set of problems that don’t go away.

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When One Family Member Suffers, All Suffer

The family is one unit. When one member suffers, everyone suffers. That’s why it is important for the whole family to band together and help that individual get back to health. Whether the family member is struggling with addiction, depression, a trauma, or one of many other psychological or health issues, the entire family should [...]

Just like prevention is better than cure, to avoid a fight is much better than trying end it. If you are to survive in a marriage the most important trick is to learn how to avoid a fight with your partner. If you get into a verbal battle then the can of worms is opened, old issues are dragged out of the grave and the bitterness increases. The end result of all this is zilch; you realise you are just where you has begun. So it is better to save your marriage all the battering of a fight.

Here are some simple ways that will tell you how to avoid fights with your spouse.

How To Avoid Fights With Partner?

1. Ignore: It is one formula that will save you marriage from all the tests and challenges it goes through. If you can learn the divine art of ignorance then you will know how to avoid fight on your own. Tune off mentally whenever you see that a conflict is approaching in your marriage. He doesn’t like your sister’s boyfriend, so what and she doesn’t want to go to your family wedding, alright.

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What About the Kids When You Divorce? III

In my last post, I talked about some considerations that are often forgotten during the divorce.  There are lots more comments.  There is one serious comment I want to make, which has short, medium, and long-range consequences. Part of it comes down to this:  divorcing people don’t think of all the issues to cover when [...]

Surviving Christmas With The In-Laws

‘You can pick your friends but you can’t pick your family.’ Unfortunately this rule applies to your partner’s family too so if you are one of the many unlucky women that have been lumbered with a fire breathing dragon for a mother-in-law or traditional grumpy father-in-law, it is something you are going to have to learn to live with.

That time of year is almost here, Christmas. For large families rather than a time to celebrate and let your hair down, it is time spent stressing over impressing your relatives, especially in-laws and catering for the five thousand.

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What About The Kids when You Divorce? II

In the last post, I made some recommendations about how to begin thinking about what you should do when you and your partner are splitting.  I mentioned that there are some short, medium, and long range issues about which to think.  I want to make some general comments before going on.  These comments are made [...]

With more than a month before Christmas, Kim Kardashian’s impending divorce is already casting a pall over the reality TV star’s holiday season.

The “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” personality took a bath on an expensive Christmas card order, because the cards featured a picture of her and estranged husband Kris Humphries on their wedding day Radar Online reports.

To quote another cherished television icon, “D’oh!”

Also read: Tyler Perry Explains Kim Kardashian “Counselor” Casting

A Kardashian insider tells Radar that Kim ordered the cards shortly before departing for her honeymoon, contacting a posh stationery store with precise — and pricey — instructions.

“Kim is a planner, and is obsessed with details, and a total control freak. She wanted her Christmas cards to be perfect, and she wanted at least 10 different choices of holiday cards, black and white, matted finish, you name it, Kim thought of it,” the individual says.

“The proofs were delivered to Kim in mid-September, and she conveyed to the owners of the company that she was very pleased with the results. Kim said she would get back to them with a final choice, but alas, she never did, for obvious reasons.”

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What about the Kids When You Decide to Divorce? Post I

You and your partner have decided to split.  You have kids at home.  What should you be thinking about in terms of their short run, medium run, and long-term needs?  I raise this long question because I hear all sorts of stories as I counsel couples.  I also see children, both kids and adults, who [...]

Help – I’m Drowning – I’m Being Smothered By Love

I know there are some people who say “I wish,” but there are some people for whom this issue is a real problem – they feel they are being loved too much. This can feel like you are being smothered, and while a little bit is good for a relationship, there does come a time [...]