Save your troubled marriage and start enjoying life again!
I was desperate to save my marriage. I’d had enough of the famous statement that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. No matter what planet men and women come from, I knew only one thing – we are on earth and we need to live together in harmony.
With this thought in mind, I decided to find ways to save my marriage. It wasn’t easy. In the process, I realized that men and women are indeed different. But they are equal too. Therefore, both the spouses deserve equal respect and love from each other.
Understanding The Facts
One thing that I learned while trying to save my marriage was that you shouldn’t expect the other person to change in order to suit your needs. Marriage implies two people living together under one roof; but, they still are individuals with their own thoughts and ideas. The problem arises when we, in our fairy tale dream world, thrust unrealistic expectations on our partner. It makes your partner feel as if he or she is not good enough for you.
Your partner usually won’t tell this to you. But, it’s true that they are hurt by your expectations. In my efforts to save my marriage, I often wondered, “What is it that makes love bloom before marriage? And why do people begin to feel suffocated once they tie the knot?” (The person who framed the words “tying the knot” was so right!)
In my pursuit to find ways to save a marriage, I came across the answer to the above stated question. Before marriage, we let our partner free. We didn’t nag them or try to control them. However, after marriage, we tend to think that we’ve possessed them. We begin pointing their habits that annoy us out to them. We expect them to see the world through our eyes. And this is perhaps the biggest blunder committed in a marriage.
How To Save A Marriage?
Men and women think and behave differently. We need to understand each other, not try to change the partner. Oh! Yes, there’s this little word “adjustment.” When this goes away, divorce happens!
Marriage is like a guitar. The partners are like strings, each having different notes. It’s important for the strings to work in co-ordination and harmony with each other in order to produce beautiful music. There are times when you’re unable to produce good music. That doesn’t mean you throw away or smash your guitar. You put in extra efforts to continue producing melodious music. Cherish your marriage as you would cherish your guitar.
So, instead of screaming, “I Want A Divorce!” say, “Save my marriage” before it’s too late!
Save my marriage is a call that seems to be shouted more and more these days. Most of us believe that our marriages are worth saving, but we just don’t know how. There is one key that ranks above all the rest. One skill that must be practiced everyday: Communication. Our world is a connected through communication. There is the power of the internet, instant messaging, emailing, blogging, and cell phones. So why is it that marriage seems to suffer most from communication problems?
Perhaps it is because gradually we are learning to communicate better and better in a cyber world and less and less face to face. Many of us can carry on a conversation for hours over email or text messaging but put us in a room with an actual person and we stutter at what to say. We have to practice communicating face to face. Marriage relationships are not built in cyber space, they are built interacting with each other in our person daily lives.
Communicating is the idea of telling someone else what is going on in your heart and mind. That can be difficult to convey in words and often fall short but the attempt will bring you closer together and the more you try the more you understand. Explaining ideas with one another brings an intellectual bond. Sharing feelings with one another brings an emotional bond. Lastly, sharing the day’s happenings will bring you together socially.
Communication isn’t something you can put on the back burner and wait for it to fix itself. You have to work every day on it and give an honest effort to improvement. Being able to talk to each other doesn’t just happen when you make your vows or buy a house. Communicating with each other takes practice. Both parties need to learn what to say and how to say it.
Try these three tips to improve your communication. Look at your partner when they are talking. Try to face them in the eyes not just in their general direction. Tell stories but make sure they aren’t so long and drawn out that anyone would lose interest. Finally, acknowledge what the speaker is saying by asking questions, nodding, commenting every once in a while, just make sure the speaker know what you are listening. Communication in a marriage is vital and there is nothing that will replace it.
These ten things will destroy your marriage. Avoid them like the plague. Building a strong marriage is full of do’s and do not’s. Sometimes looking at things to avoid is as strengthening as studying the things to do. You’re marriage should be valued and cherished, never let something else come and de-throne that priority.
1- Stop Saying I love you- This is simple but profound. These three words not only express how you feel but they show your spouse that those feeling you have are strong enough to carry you to action. When you stop saying I love you it is easy to forget what too often is just assumed in married couple. That they really do love each other.
2- Entertain Immoral Thoughts- Thoughts like these destroy the respect you have for your wife. Intimacy isn’t a public thing it is between you and your one and only.
3- Stop really listening- Want to ruin a good thing, multitask while you are listening to your wife or husband. When your ears tune them out so will your heart. You are showing them that they are only worth half of your effort or that something else ranks as highly as they do.
4- Yell- Raising your voice only brings out defense tactics. Keep a cool calm voice and your point will be heard
5- Accuse- blame your spouse for everything and make them the enemy in your argument. You can ask them to change something they do but don’t accuse them and insult them while you do.
6- Lie- Lying to your spouse is a sure fire way to take three steps backwards in your marriage. You have worked long and hard for their trust; don’t destroy that in one simple situation.
7- Work All Your Time- Don’t spend so much time trying to make a living that you forget to make a life. Take time for what really matters.
8- Remember Old Wrongs- People change and grow, we expect others to realize that about us but often forget that principal with those we love most. Let your spouse change. Don’t bring up old wrongs to prove a point, let them change and move on.
9- Don’t be overly sensitive- Don’t expect your spouse to never disagree or offend you. Those are unreal expectations, be open instead to their opinion trying as hard as possible to not take it personally.
10- Expect ESP- Expecting your spouse to read your mind will never help. If you want them to know something tell them don’t expect them to just know if you have never said anything to them.
Marriage takes work and caution but the rewards a good strong marriage brings are endless. Make a commitment together that you will in the future avoid these so you have more time to do constructive activities.
Boy meets girl. They go out on a few dates. Their mutual attraction blossoms into friendship. From friendship, love grows and the couple decides to share their lives together. They get married. They have a few children. And somewhere, as the years go by, that friendship, respect, and love is overpowered by anger, resentment, and eventual divorce. Many couples even wonder why they got divorced in the first place, finding it difficult to pinpoint exactly when their bond began to unravel. Others may find fault with their spouse, thus blaming them for the marriage ending. How can two people who once loved each other; two people who shared their hopes, dreams, and lives together go from marital bliss to divorce? How can you save your marriage and stop divorce?
According to the U.S. Census Bureau, more than half of marriages end in divorce. In fact, less people are getting marriage according to U.S. Today. Citing the fear of divorce as the chief reason for postponing or even avoiding marriage, they report that 62% of Americans were married in 1990 whereas only half of Americans are married today. Dr. James Long, a published author and marriage counselor, says the reasons for increased divorce rates can be attributed to mobility, affluence, and isolation. Mobility: Traditionally, people lived and died in the place they were born; therefore, marrying people they grew up with and, as such, shared similar lifestyles and ideals. Today, however, many people travel to other states for school or work meeting a variety of people who come from diverse backgrounds. Affluence: In times past, couples relied on each other for survival since resources were limited. Each worked together to maintain homes, provide for the family, as well as each other’s personal needs. Yet, with today’s abundance, says Dr. Long, people are less reliant on each other for basic needs such as housing, food, clothing, or even entertainment and fulfillment. Isolation: With increased technology mediums, such as the Internet, people are more isolated from each other than ever before. “People live in isolation these days,” says Dr. Long. “[As such] they do not get to observe others and see how actions have long term consequences. Instead, they live in an unrealistic dream world created by fiction entertainment, journalism, and advertising. As a result, they have world views that are more conducive to causing disasters in the physical world that their bodies live in,” he says.
While Dr. Long’s explanation may be too broad and simplistic, it provides a base for why many marriages result in divorce. Exploring this concept further, here are six common reasons why many marriages fail:
• Assuming instead of asking—failure to communicate. There is a reason why a catchy phrase about assumptions has been coined. So many people fall into the trap of not communicating; however, open two-way communication is essential in every relationship. Before getting married, each person should have a fairly accurate idea about what the other person wants and expects from marriage; you should know each other’s personal philosophies and beliefs, goals, aspirations, strengths and weaknesses, family traditions, spending habits, and other likes/dislikes. If you marry someone who needs “me time” at the end of the work today, and you crave togetherness and intimacy, you cannot assume that person will suddenly become extroverted during marriage. In truth, marriage is about bridging two lives into one. It requires compromise and sacrifice. Yet, by assuming something(s) about your partner and what your marriage will be like, you are setting both yourself and your spouse up for disappointment (even failure). Marriage is not only about sharing a bed; rather, sharing yourself, which requires communication.
• Unrealistic expectations. When we love someone, their faults and quirks seem very unimportant. When you agree to share your live with someone, you are not thinking about the fact he leaves dishes piled up in the sink or if she leaves bras hanging on the door knobs. And, truthfully, these quirks are relatively trial in the grand scheme of it all. After all, no one is perfect. We would hope that our loved ones could see past our faults and limitations, so we can look beyond the quirks and see the reasons we love our spouse. Yet, it is important to remember that while marriage is deeply rewarding it does not transform your disorganized boyfriend into a neat freak. What annoys you as a single adult will become more intensified as you share your life and home with another person. Many adults, with this in mind, think that living together before marriage will help identify and remedy this; however, living together is not marriage. Choosing to marry someone is about commitment. Suddenly two individuals are united in a unique and profound bond. Marriage intensifies our feelings for another person. So, if you expect to find that your beloved’s love for golf is going to disappear, and spend all his free time with you—and you alone—you are bringing unrealistic expectations to the marriage. Again, this is where communication becomes vitally important.
• Rescuing or reforming. Remember, you are choosing to marry someone because you love them for who they are—this includes their faults, quirks, limitations, weaknesses, past mistakes, and other habits. If your intended spouse has a drinking problem, you may be able to help them overcome that; however, they must choose to get well because they truly want to be (and not because you are demanding it). Additionally, that person deserves to be married to someone who wants to share their life with them, not necessarily save their life (or change them).
• Differences in religion and culture. Marriage, fundamentally, is about two different people coming together to share their lives. Yet, studies show that religion and culture have significant impacts on relationships. If you were raised in a religious household and wish to raise your children as such, yet your spouse prefers to avoid the subject of religion this will create tension. Religion and culture help shape our ideals, even shape us as people. Marriage is about complimenting each other, and personal philosophies/ideas/beliefs/traditions are key to bridging the gap and fostering uniting between husband and wife.
• Money. Experts say that the main reason marriages fail today are due to financial disputes. While money is not everything, it is certainly an important aspect of our daily lives. We rely on money to pay rent, buy food and clothes, to provide for our children, and perform a host of daily activities. It is essential that intended spouses know the other’s spending habits, thoughts about money and financial planning, and even budget before getting married. Even if each spouse earns their own money, it is important that the couple be open and honest about financial matters. Money management becomes a key part of the partnership; each person has a responsibility to do it together. In marriage, it is no longer about the individual; rather, what is the best for each other.
• Not letting bygones be bygones. It inevitable—there will be difficult times in a marriage. Even the strongest marriages experience trials. Whether it is illness, the death of a child, unemployment, or other unexpected curve balls that life presents, there will be challenges. Remember, when choosing to get married you are agreeing to help carry each other’s burdens. You are committing to stand by each other, even when it is difficult. Love is work. Nothing worthwhile ever came without hard work. Yet, so many couples fall into the trap of dwelling on each other’s faults, or allowing the stresses of life consume them, that they forget to let bygones be bygones. Eventually annoyance leads to resentfulness, which breeds the seeds of anger and hate. Then, one day, this person you once admired and loved turns into someone who rather not associate with at all. Differences are reasons to celebrate the other person; to learn and grow from each other. In that, we become more united. In that, we find more reasons to love the other person.
By learning how to overcome such pitfalls, you can save your marriage. And by learning how you can save your marriage, you can stop divorce. For more information about how to save your marriage, please visit
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