Divorce doesn’t happen by accident. It builds up slowly when people overlook the things that matter most. Read the top reasons for divorce here. By Elizabeth Arthur

Divorce isn’t a bubble that’s ready to burst.

Most people assume that a divorce is a shocker, something that comes right out of the blue when it is least expected.

Perhaps, to family and friends, that may be the case.

But to the couple involved, it’s something they would have seen all along.

Most of us make the grave error of taking the things that matter most for granted.

And a marriage that’s taken for granted has a good chance of ending in divorce.

[Read: 7 secret early signs of a bad relationship]

Reasons for divorce and why couples never notice it

Divorce almost never happens all of a sudden.

Problems constantly build up over time, and at some point the inevitable happens. Or one more accusation or error pushes the ball downhill and then, everything else comes crashing through the foundation of the marriage.

Listen to me when I say this, your marriage has a great chance of a happy ending. But it’s all in the hands of the couple that are married together.

For a long time, I’ve been startled by the divorce crisis in the United States. Many of my own friends have now given up on ever marrying because the statistics in our country seem to make the whole marriage thing sound so scary and worthless.

But things don’t have to go the scary way. Yes, it’s not easy. But nothing ever is easy, is it? It’s your passion and interest in something that makes it easy.

[Read: Falling out of love and why it happens to you]

At times, divorce may be inevitable. But work towards a better marriage, see the signs when things get bad and put in the effort to bring the relationship back into the happy place. It’ll make all the difference.

Top reasons for divorce in new marriages

Are you in a marriage that’s less than three years old? Well, then you’re probably going to experience any of these little signs that may not seem like such a big deal to begin with.

You may still be infatuated by each other or may be too deep in mad love to see any signs of a bad marriage. But if you care to take a peep and find one of these signs, take a good look and work on it before it’s too late.

#1 You think you’re too good. Have you ever felt like you’re too good for your partner? Or do you think you deserve someone better than your spouse? It may seem like a petty and funny thought now, but dissatisfaction over time will trick you into making mistakes you may end up regretting. Your spouse may have a lot of great qualities too, only if you can get your head out of the clouds and take a good look at them.

#2 You feel constrained. Ever felt like the marriage is holding you back from achieving your true potential, be it a career option or racking up notches on the bedpost? If you feel like you’re too good to be tied down, big chances are, you’ll look for every opportunity to break out of the cage when no one’s looking.

#3 Lack of communication. Communication isn’t just about talking to each other. Communication is about understanding each other clearly and learning more about each other. Most couples talk, but don’t communicate. A relationship without good communication is a bomb waiting to explode. [Read: Effective communication in a relationship]

#4 Expectations from each other. For many, marriage is the next step in the great way of life. But that’s not the case for everyone. When two lovers get married, they have expectations from each other and the relationship. And at times, the expectations aren’t mutual and end up distancing two people who haven’t communicated each other’s wants and expectations at the time of marriage.

#5 Difference in cultural backgrounds. At the beginning, the stark differences in families and friends, and different religious beliefs may seem cute and worth a petty fight. But all it takes is a few months of suppressed ideas and opposing thoughts to wreak havoc in a marriage.

#6 Your spouse doesn’t understand your needs or wants. This is far more common than most people assume. As we evolve as individuals, we have our own needs and wants from life. Have you ever felt like your partner doesn’t understand your passion or interests in life?

#7 A sudden change in lifestyle. A marriage isn’t just a ring around the finger. It’s a whole new life and a new lifestyle. If you haven’t moved in with each other, you may never understand the real issues of living together. If you love your space and privacy and hate having someone breathing down your neck all the time, perhaps moving in together first would be a better way to test the waters. [Read: Make living together before marriage work for you]

#8 Trust. Do you really trust your spouse? Do you find their behavior suspicious, especially when they’re talking to a friend over the phone? Trust is an important pillar in marriage. If you can’t trust your spouse, you definitely can’t survive the marriage. [Read: How to build trust in a relationship]

#9 Jealousy and insecurity. Insecurity is a little worm that crawls into your heart and grows over time. It may be your spouse’s fault, or they may have nothing to do with it. Jealousy can be cute at first, but not if it leads to big fights or confusions. [Read: Easy tips to make a jealous partner not-so-jealous]

#10 Incompatible personalities. At times, both of you may be two perfect individuals who are just completely imperfect for each other. Both of you may share nothing in common and over time, you may find that both of you are better off getting divorced and dating or marrying other people.

Top reasons for divorce in seasoned marriages

Many people assume that long marriages are indestructible. After all, they’ve weathered the winds of change and have survived the storm. But in most cases, they’ve just learnt to live with the differences.

#1 Infidelity. The idea of infidelity almost always crops up in a marriage at some point or the other. You could find someone else extremely interesting or you may find yourself constantly trying to cheat, either for the excitement or in the hope of satisfying your urges. What matters here is figuring out whether the juice is worth the squeeze. [Read: What should you do when you start liking someone else?]

#2 Money. Money always has a way of making life better or making life worse. There are only two extremes and no middle ground with money. Are you dissatisfied with your spouse’s earnings or monetary investment towards the marriage in any manner? This may start off as a nagging thought to begin with, but unless you discuss this with your spouse, you could be heading down the road of divorce over time.

#3 Abusive or controlling relationships. If you’ve ever felt like your partner is trying to control you or abuse you in some manner, it’s best to have a conversation about it. At times, your spouse may not even realize that they’re trying to manipulate you or control you. [Read: 15 secret subtle signs of a controlling partner]

#4 Priorities change. A marriage is a lifetime of togetherness. And as individuals, our priorities in life too change all the time. If you want to have a successful marriage and avoid any reason for divorce, learn to understand each other’s priorities. Don’t expect your partner to stay the same forever. Talk to each other and help each other become better individuals, and you’ll learn to fall more in love with each other. [Read: Perfect things to talk about in a perfect relationship]

#5 Emotional affairs. Emotional affairs are the easiest to fall into. And at most times, you may not even realize it. Do you feel really comfortable with a coworker at your workplace, perhaps of the opposite sex? And do you feel like this person really understands you and gives you the perfect advice for all your doubts? Or do you feel really happy and refreshed every time you have a long conversation with this friend of the opposite sex?

If you ever feel like you emotionally connect better with someone other than your spouse, chances are, you’re already in an emotional affair. Just how bad or troublesome it is, that’s something you need to think about. But don’t worry, emotional affairs are far more common than you think.

#6 Difference in sexual interests. As relationships grow, the sexual excitement and the arousal too start to change. You see the same naked person every night. Is it really possible to get wet or hard in an instant, every time you see your naked spouse lying in bed?

One of you may enjoy sex while the other just doesn’t enjoy sex anymore. Or perhaps, things have just started to get really boring. Sex plays a pretty important part in a successful marriage. Work on it and get better at it. [Read: 30 tips to spice up your sex life]

#7 Your spouse doesn’t excite you. This can happen to spouses who are not fascinated or awed by their partners.  It isn’t just about sexual interest. You may like your spouse as a friend, but there’s no passion or happiness when you’re with each other. Both of you just live together, lead two separate lives and have your good friends. And after some time, you may wonder why you’re even together anymore.

#8 There’s more to life than this. You’re scared your life will be too meaningless with your spouse. You’ve been together for several years, and yet have no memories or special thoughts that excite you. If you feel like you need to go out there and see the world in all its hues, then perhaps a trial separation or a break may be the best way forward. [Read: How taking a break in the relationship really works]

#9 Friends who are bad for the marriage. Some friends are just the worst thing that can happen to a marriage. They probably lead sad, lonely lives themselves or just can’t get along with your spouse. And they do everything possible to convince you that you can get a better catch, if only you tried.

#10 Addictions. Addictions are little things that come between two partners in a big way. Do you have any addictions that bother your spouse, be it sexual or something alcoholic? Addictions may not affect relationships directly. But your dependence on the addiction and the way it affects your life may affect your marriage. Overcome addictions, or try to get your partner to support you and understand you better while you try to overcome it.

The Divorce Myth Part 1

by Mark Gungor on March 11th, 2013

There is a great joy to the early struggles of marriage.  When people who “make it” talk about the early days of their marriage, they admit it was bittersweet but they say the sweet ended up outweighing the bitter.  Researchers agree.  In a recent study conducted by a team of leading family scholars headed by University of Chicago sociologist Linda Waite, researchers found that “two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stayed married reported that their marriages were happy five years later.  In addition, the most unhappy in their marriages reported the most dramatic turnarounds: Among those who rated their marriages as very unhappy, almost eight out of ten who avoided divorce were happily married five years later.

The study went on to say that there is a kind of “divorce assumption” in America.  People assume that they will either stay in a bad marriage and continue to be miserable or get a divorce and become happier.  But the social science data challenge that assumption.  Contrary to conventional wisdom, there is no evidence that unhappily married people who divorced were any happier that unhappily married people who stayed married!  In no way does divorce reduce symptoms of depression, raise self-esteem, increase one’s sense of mastery, or generally improve any of the twelve separate measures of psychological well-being.  Even the unhappy spouses who divorced and remarried generally were no happier than the unhappy ones who stayed married.  In fact, the evidence seems to suggest that unhappy people are unhappy, period—married or not.

Dr. Waite concluded, “Staying married is not just for the children’s sake. . . . results like these suggest the benefits of divorce have been oversold.”  It may look as if you will gain ground by eliminating some stresses of a bad marriage, but divorce creates more stresses than people bargain for: the ugliness of a breakup between partners; the reactions of children; potential disappointments and aggravation about custody issues, child support, and visitation orders; new financial or health stresses for one or both parents; plus the brand new relationships or marriages that also fail to make one happy.

If you are expecting marriage to be nothing but bliss, you will be sorely disappointed.  It’s not that there is not bliss to be had—there is; it’s that bliss comes only after blisters.  Marital bliss is the result of marital blisters—lots of hard work, where you work till it hurts, sometimes till you bleed.  Marriages get happy not because partners get along so grandly, but because they stubbornly outlast the ways they don’t get along.  There are all kinds of rough spots to work through when you step into life with another person: financial  problems, job reversals, loss and its accompanying depression, child problems, and sometimes even infidelity.  These things can destroy.  But they don’t have to.

I know there are millions of unhappily married people throughout the world today.  Maybe you are one of them.  But unhappy marriages are unhappy because most ignore (or are completely oblivious to) the mistakes they are making in their relationships.  There is hope for troubled marriages—even if you have become heartbroken and confused.  But there is a connection between what you are putting into your marriage and what you are getting out of it.

The mere suggestion that people need to change their own behavior in order to get a better result is often greeted by blank stares. People tend to believe they should have a good marriage for no other reason than that marriage is supposed to be good.  They believe they should have a good marriage because that is what they prayed for.  They believe they should have a good marriage because. . . .we.., just because.

An attorney friend of mine told me, “I hit a horrible impasse in my first marriage.  I felt I was right and she was wrong, so I cashed out. In my second marriage I saw the same things starting to occur that destroyed my first marriage.  At first I thought I had made another bad choice in partner, but I decided to change how I was married, not my  marriage partner. It turned everything around.  I love my second wife, but I also understand now that I could have loved my first wife and not experienced the hell of divorce and the lifelong awkwardness it creates—especially with kids.”

Good communication is the foundation of a strong marriage. Many marriages could be saved if spouses improved the ways they communicate with each other.

It’s often the simplest bad habits that get couples into trouble. Once a marriage gets on a rough track, negativity grows. Problems escalate as both spouses repeat their mistakes again and again. Take a look at the following communication mistakes and learn how they can be resolved.

1. Yelling at your spouse.

When you feel angry, you probably start raising your voice. Anger creates tension. As tension builds, you look for a way to release or express it. Yelling at your spouse becomes a quick and easy option, although it often causes more trouble than relief.

It may feel good to unleash your tension on your spouse when they upset you, but the sense of satisfaction is often short-lived. Whatever you say in your angry state is likely to add fuel to the fire.

Yelling unleashes lots of strong, negative emotion. No matter what you are trying to communicate at that point, the emotion is going to take center stage. That’s what captures the listener’s attention most. Unfortunately, your spoken message will be diminished or even misunderstood, because you set up your partner to be defensive and frustrated rather than responsive and understanding.

It’s not that you can’t express some strong emotion when you speak – you’re not a robot, after all. But yelling goes well beyond the line. It sets the stage for an exchange of heated emotions rather than clearly communicated words. Even if your emotion is the message you need to share, a purely emotional exchange can easily transform into an exhausting, destructive habit. At some point, emotions need to be communicated in a way that allows you to move past them, not fuel them.

Let Your Words Speak Volumes To Your Spouse

When you can keep your emotion in check, your message can really shine through. This doesn’t mean you should try to shove your emotions out of the way. They may be a very important part of your situation. But remember – the whole point of communicating is to be clearly understood. To do that, your channel of communication must go two ways. Excessive emotion interferes with that. Take a little time alone to help you ride the wave of feelings and let them settle on their own.

Another option is to take a quick exercise break before you continue the conversation. Exercise is a terrific stress reducer and it can easily distract you from your intense feelings. It’s pretty tough to focus on your troubles when you are nearly out of breath … You may also find it helpful to write out the things you want to say so you take care to deliver your message more clearly.

It’s OK to take your time talking about something that makes you really emotional. You’ll get through the problem more easily if you can keep your spouse on your side instead of pushing them away.

2. Having a Competitive Attitude.

Some competition is OK, but anything that isn’t mutual and playful could build a wall.

Competition is all around us. Football games on TV, soccer games at the high school, getting ahead at work, Christmas displays in the neighborhood — you name it and someone will try to win it. You may have to stay ahead of the game in some areas of your life, but your marriage is not one of them. When one person is always the winner, both spouses lose.

Maybe a little competition between the two of you at the racquetball court is OK. And perhaps you can rib each other with your basketball tournament predictions. But that’s about it. Anything that isn’t mutual and playful could build a wall between you.

If you find yourself building a “case” in the back of your mind with supporting bullet points for every disagreement, you may win the argument nearly every time. However, you may do more to exhaust and demoralize your spouse than anything else.

Think about Why You Need To Win

A person with emotional insecurities may overcompensate by trying to look superior to his or her spouse. When they stay on top, they feel stronger and more confident. They may have trouble being vulnerable, even with their spouse. To do so would expose their insecurities. This would clash with their belief that they are successful.

Does this sound like you? Does your spouse tire of your victory dance and your need to always have the upper hand? Maybe they just want you to come back to earth a little. They are probably far happier to be around you when you show some imperfections. You may not be used to your spouse showing tenderness toward you. If you married a great person, you have nothing to lose and everything to gain. You don’t have to win to feel satisfied.

3. Making Marriage about Me Instead of We.

Have you ever stopped to listen to the chatter going on in your mind? Most likely, it’s focused on you — what you look like, how you just messed something up, what you have on your schedule later, what you are looking forward to, etc.

Naturally, this chatter is somewhat biased because it’s from your perspective. But how about the chatter that relates to your spouse? Is it all about how much fun you will have later, what you expect from your husband or wife, and what kind of mood you are in?

Take Your Spouse’s Viewpoint and Make Their Day Better

Generosity and considerate behaviors can go a long way toward nurturing a great marriage. Instead of wondering if they’ll ever load the dishwasher right, do something you know your spouse will appreciate. Be forewarned: they may not throw you a ticker-tape parade because you did it. Don’t get caught up in the “what’s in it for me” trap again.

If you continue a pattern of being more generous and thoughtful toward your spouse, they’ll eventually say or do something as a response. They might hold their comments back at first because they don’t know if this trend will stick. They may be waiting to see if this generosity is a gimmick or a set of new, positive habits. When they see that you are genuine and consistent with your efforts over time, your message will be clear. Let those selfish thoughts pass by and keep doing loving things for your spouse.

Here’s another secret about making an effort like this: Feelings follow actions. In other words, you may not feel loving at first when you do these generous acts. If they don’t say anything at first, you may really wonder why you are bothering at all. Keep going anyway. The more you act with generosity, the more you’ll naturally feel generous and loving toward your spouse.

Change Marriage Communication Mistakes by Changing Habits

It takes some practice to change old marriage communication mistakes. It’s amazing how the energy between spouses can change so much with just a few changes. When you understand how it all fits together, you can make real progress in your relationship right away

Mother Nurture

© Rick Hanson, Ph.D., and Jan Hanson, L.Ac., 2005

5 Keys to Settling Marital Conflict

I’m sick of fighting! Enrico and I love each other, but wow do we argue, especially since having children. Help!

No doubt about it, marital squabbles and even ugly fights usually increase after children come along. The causes are painfully familiar to us all: sleep deprivation, little time for oneself, feeling let down, vicious cycles of finger-pointing, the in-laws, etc. etc. We certainly fought more frequently and intensely after having kids than ever before.

To solve these problems – and maintain an intact family in which to raise precious children – we’ve found five key methods. They’re not glib, they’re not a TV sound bite, but they’re the real deal. Try them yourself – and see if you can get your spouse to go along.

Here they are:

• Personal Well-Being – By taking better care of yourself, you’ll be able to take better care of your partner, and have a cooler, clearer head in quarrels. This means really doing the fundamentals: protein with every meal, good vitamin supplements (please see our book if you have any questions), sleep as an extremely high priority, personal stress relief practices, and the support of good friends and family.
• The 80-20 Rule – Put 80% of your energy into how you can be a better mate, and just 20% on how he/she could be less of a jerk. You have little power to change your partner, but great power to change yourself. Take maximum personal responsibility for whatever is true in your partner’s complaints, and then unilaterally make appropriate changes. That will make you feel good about yourself, give you the best odds of getting better behavior from your mate, and put you on the high moral ground.
• Empathy – Try to get inside your partner’s skin, sensing the being behind the words – and ask firmly for the same. Isn’t that why you married each other, that you felt deeply known and listened to? Being empathic doesn’t mean you agree or approve or let someone off the hook, just that you understand. And when you understand, you’re more able to address what’s really at stake for the other person. And when you feel understood, you’re more willing to get to the heart of the matter and make peace.
• Solutions Focus – Go after what would make things better from now on rather than argue about the past. Be honest with yourself: what are you up to, making a case for why you’re right, or making things better in your relationship? Pick a topic and stick with it without jumping around. Then make realistic agreements, keep them, and move on.

Loving At Will – Life is hard for all of us, and we all suffer in a variety of ways, so each of us is called to bring compassion and loving kindness to other people – even the person we’re married to! This both makes us quietly happy and helps the world be a better place. While love may not be top of mind in the midst of a nutty day, any one of us can use the will to reach down inside and pull up a little love. Giving it ennobles us, lifts our own heart, brings dignity and self-respect . . . and often kindles a fire of love in return.

We wish you the best!

(Rick Hanson is a clinical psychologist, Jan Hanson is an acupuncturist/nutritionist, and they are raising a daughter and son, ages 12 and 14. With Ricki Pollycove, M.D., they are the authors of Mother Nurture: A Mother’s Guide to Health in Body, Mind, and Intimate Relationships, published by Penguin. You can see their website at www.nurturemom.com or email them with questions or comments at info@nurturemom.com; unfortunately, a personal reply may not always be possible.)

The question I am most frequently asked by visitors to this web site is “how can I survive my spouse’s affair?” After having counseled thousands of couples with hundreds of marital conflicts, I am completely convinced that a spouse’s unfaithfulness is the most painful experience that can be inflicted in marriage. Those I’ve counseled who have

Infidelity Video Click to watch

had the tragic misfortune of having experienced rape, physical abuse, sexual abuse of their children, and infidelity have consistently reported to me that their spouse’s unfaithfulness was their very worst experience. To be convinced of the devastating impact of infidelity, you only need to go through it once.

And yet, more than 50% of all spouses are victims of infidelity, which means that one spouse in most marriages will suffer the greatest marital pain possible at some time during their lifetimes. It’s no wonder that I receive so many letters from these victims of unfaithfulness.

Coping with Infidelity, Part 1: How Do Affairs Begin? Affairs usually begin with an attraction to someone you know fairly well, someone you spend time with each week — your friends or co-workers. To illustrate how affairs develop, I post letters from two women, one who is tempted to have an affair with her husband’s best friend, and another whose best friend had an affair with her husband.

Coping with Infidelity, Part 2: How Should Affairs End? There are three parts to the way affairs should end. The first part is revealing the affair to one’s spouse, the second part is never seeing or communicating with the lover again, and the third part is getting through the symptoms of withdrawal after a permanent separation takes place. I post two letters to illustrate these three parts to how an affair should end.

Coping with Infidelity, Part 3: Restoring the Marital Relationship. Since an affair does not usually end the way it should, with complete separation from the lover, you may not find this column entirely relevant to you. In your case, your spouse’s lover may still be a factor, and you will want to know how to restore your marital relationship with your spouse’s lover standing in the wings. If you are in that position, I have addressed that topic in two other columns that I review below: “What to Do with an Unfaithful Husband” and “What to Do with an Unfaithful Wife.” In short, it’s hard enough to restore a martial relationship when a lover is finally out of the picture. But it’s impossible when the lover is still hanging around.

Coping with Infidelity, Part 4: Overcoming Resentment. You might think that after a husband and wife rebuild their love for each other after an affair, all would be forgiven. Well, all might be forgiven, but all’s not forgotten. In fact, many couples find that the memory of the affair haunts them decades after it happened. I post three letters to illustrate what a problem resentment is for many people, and I explain how to handle it so that it doesn’t ruin a successful recovery.

Four Rules to Guide Marital Recovery After an Affair. After the lover is finally gone and you are ready to restore love to your marriage, where should you begin? This column explains the rules I suggest for couples recovering from an affair. Technically, they are the very rules that I recommend in any marriage, because they guarantee mutual love when they are followed.

What to Do with an Unfaithful Husband. Altogether, this column contains five letters and my responses to them, written by women who have recently discovered their husband’s unfaithfulness. There is some redundancy in the questions and answers, but if you have suffered from your husband’s infidelity, you will want to gain from the experience of as many other people as possible.

What to Do with an Unfaithful Wife. As with the unfaithful husband column, five letters from husbands, and my responses to them, are posted.

Escaping the Jaws of Infidelity: How to Avoid an Affair. There are many of you who are having an affair, but want to know how to get out of it in one piece. And then there are even more of you who want to know how to avoid it in the first place. In this column I post letters from two women who are having affairs and want out of the mess they’ve created. I also address the issue of avoiding the mess in the first place by protecting your spouse from your unfaithful predisposition. We all have it, you know — a predisposition to be unfaithful. Given certain conditions, we can all have affairs, destroying the happiness of our spouse, our children, our extended families, our lover, and ourselves. Those conditions should be avoided at all costs, don’t you think?

The Lover’s Perspective on Infidelity. The spouses of those who have affairs are not the only victims of infidelity. The lovers can also be victims. This column addresses the anguish experienced by women who present the lover’s perspective.

How Can I recover My Sexual Desire for My Husband After My Affair? A column somewhat related to the lover’s perspective, this column treats the issue of sexual recovery for the one who had the affair, but now wants to restore passion to her marriage.

Infidelity on the Internet. I receive an alarming number of letters each week by those whose spouses have fallen in love with someone on the internet. This form of infidelity is particularly common among those who have become addicted to internet communication. You know who you are. If your spouse wants you to leave the computer and come to bed, and you say, “just a minute,” you’re one of them.

Can’t We Just Forgive and Forget? Infidelity is a devastating experience. And yet, most couples who go though it recover. How do they overcome the horrible memories of an affair after reconciliation? In this column, I explain my controversial position that “just compensation” is more reasonable than forgiveness when it comes to infidelity.

What to Do When You (or Your Spouse) Become Pregnant with a Lover’s Child. Infidelity has tragic consequences. Not only does unfaithfulness itself cause untold emotional suffering for a victimized spouse, but affairs create a host of other problems, too. One example of these problems is venereal disease — when an unfaithful spouse is infected, which is often the case, the disease is usually passed on to the unsuspecting marriage partner. Another example is the topic of this Q&A column — pregnancy with a lover’s child. This column considers the choices these women face, and what I recommend. Their husbands also have hard choices to make, and my advice is for them, too

Children and Divorce

Helping Kids Cope with Separation and Divorce

For children, divorce can be stressful, sad, and confusing. At any age, kids may feel uncertain or angry at the prospect of mom and dad splitting up. As a parent, you can make the process and its effects less painful for your children. Helping your kids cope with divorce means providing stability in your home and attending to your children’s needs with a reassuring, positive attitude. It won’t be a seamless process, but these tips can help your children cope.

A parent’s guide to supporting your child through a divorce

As a parent, it’s normal to feel uncertain about how to give your children the right support through your divorce or separation. It may be uncharted territory, but you can successfully navigate this unsettling time—and help your kids emerge from it feeling loved, confident, and strong.

There are many ways you can help your kids adjust to separation or divorce. Your patience, reassurance, and listening ear can minimize tension as children learn to cope with new circumstances. By providing routines kids can rely on, you remind children they can count on you for stability, structure, and care. And if you can maintain a working relationship with your ex, you can help kids avoid the stress that comes with watching parents in conflict. Such a transitional time can’t be without some measure of hardship, but you can powerfully reduce your children’s pain by making their well-being your top priority.

Helping children cope with divorce: What to tell your kids

When it comes to telling your kids about your divorce, many parents freeze up. Make the conversation a little easier on both yourself and your children by preparing significantly before you sit down to talk. If you can anticipate tough questions, deal with your own anxieties ahead of time, and plan carefully what you’ll be telling them, you will be better equipped to help your children handle the news.

What to say and how to say it

Difficult as it may be to do, try to strike an empathetic tone and address the most important points right up front. Give your children the benefit of an honest—but kid-friendly—explanation.

• Tell the truth. Your kids are entitled to know why you are getting a divorce, but long-winded reasons may only confuse them. Pick something simple and honest, like “We can’t get along anymore.” You may need to remind your children that while sometimes parents and kids don’t always get along, parents and kids don’t stop loving each other or get divorced from each other.
• Say “I love you.” However simple it may sound, letting your children know that your love for them hasn’t changed is a powerful message. Tell them you’ll still be caring for them in every way, from fixing their breakfast to helping with homework.
• Address changes. Preempt your kids’ questions about changes in their lives by acknowledging that some things will be different now, and other things won’t. Let them know that together you can deal with each detail as you go.

Avoid blaming

It’s vital to be honest with your kids, but without being critical of your spouse. This can be especially difficult when there have been hurtful events, such as infidelity, but with a little diplomacy, you can avoid playing the blame game.

• Present a united front. As much as you can, try to agree in advance on an explanation for your separation or divorce—and stick to it.
• Plan your conversations. Make plans to talk with your children before any changes in the living arrangements occur. And plan to talk when your spouse is present, if possible.
• Show restraint. Be respectful of your spouse when giving the reasons for the separation.

Helping children cope with divorce: Listen and reassure

Support your children by helping them express emotions, and commit to truly listening to these feelings without getting defensive. Your next job is reassurance—assuaging fears, straightening misunderstandings, and showing your unconditional love. The bottom line: kids need to know that your divorce isn’t their fault.

Help kids express feelings

For kids, divorce can feel like loss: the loss of a parent, the loss of the life they know. You can help your children grieve and adjust to new circumstances by supporting their feelings.

• Listen. Encourage your child to share their feelings and really listen to them. They may be feeling sadness, loss or frustration about things you may not have expected.
• Help them find words for their feelings. It’s normal for children to have difficulty expressing their feelings. You can help them by noticing their moods and encouraging them to talk.
• Let them be honest. Children might be reluctant to share their true feelings for fear of hurting you. Let them know that whatever they say is okay. If they aren’t able to share their honest feelings, they will have a harder time working through them.
• Acknowledge their feelings. You may not be able to fix their problems or change their sadness to happiness, but it is important for you to acknowledge their feelings rather than dismissing them. You can also inspire trust by showing that you understand.

Clearing up misunderstandings

Many kids believe that they had something to do with the divorce, recalling times they argued with their parents, received poor grades, or got in trouble. You can help your kids let go of this misconception.

• Set the record straight. Repeat why you decided to get a divorce. Sometimes hearing the real reason for your decision can help.
• Be patient. Kids may seem to “get it” one day and be unsure the next. Treat your child’s confusion or misunderstandings with patience.
• Reassure. As often as you need to, remind your children that both parents will continue to love them and that they are not responsible for the divorce.

Give reassurance and love

Children have a remarkable ability to heal when given the support and love they need. Your words, actions, and ability to remain consistent are all important tools to reassure your children of your unchanging love.

• Both parents will be there. Let your kids know that even though the physical circumstances of the family unit will change, they can continue to have healthy, loving relationships with both of their parents.
• It’ll be okay. Tell kids that things won’t always be easy, but that they will work out. Knowing it’ll be all right can provide incentive for your kids to give a new situation a chance.
• Closeness. Physical closeness—in the form of hugs, pats on the shoulder, or simple proximity—has a powerful way of reassuring your child of your love.
• Be honest. When kids raise concerns or anxieties, respond truthfully. If you don’t know the answer, say gently that you aren’t sure right now, but you’ll find out and it will be okay.

Helping children cope with divorce: Provide stability and structure

While it’s good for kids to learn to be flexible, adjusting to many new things at once can be very difficult. Help your kids adjust to change by providing as much stability and structure as possible in their daily lives.

Remember that establishing structure and continuity doesn’t mean that you need rigid schedules or that mom and dad’s routines need to be exactly the same. But creating some regular routines at each household and consistently communicating to your children what to expect will provide your kids with a sense of calm and stability.

The comfort of routines

The benefit of schedules and organization for younger children is widely recognized, but many people don’t realize that older children appreciate routine, as well. Kids feel safer and more secure when they know what to expect next. Knowing that, even when they switch homes, dinnertime is followed by a bath and then homework, for example, can set a child’s mind at ease.

Maintaining routine also means continuing to observe rules, rewards, and discipline with your children. Resist the temptation to spoil kids during a divorce by not enforcing limits or allowing them to break rules.

Helping children cope with divorce: Take care of yourself

The first safety instruction for an airplane emergency is to put the oxygen mask on yourself before you put it on your child. The take-home message: take care of yourself so that you can be there for your kids.

Your own recovery

If you are able to be calm and emotionally present, your kids will feel more at ease. The following are steps you can take toward improving your own well-being and outlook:

• Exercise often and eat a healthy diet. Exercise relieves the pent-up stress and frustration that are commonplace with divorce. And although cooking for one can be difficult, eating healthfully will make you feel better, inside and out—so skip the fast food.
• See friends often. It may be tempting to hole up and not see friends and family who will inevitably ask about the divorce—but the reality is that you need the distraction. Ask friends to avoid the topic; they’ll understand.
• Keep a journal. Writing down your feelings, thoughts, and moods can help you release tension, sadness, and anger. As time passes, you can look back on just how far you’ve come.

You’ll need support

At the very least, divorce is complicated and stressful—and can be devastating without support.

• Lean on friends. Talk to friends or a support group about your bitterness, anger, frustration—whatever the feeling may be—so you don’t take it out on your kids.
• Never vent negative feelings to your child. Whatever you do, do not use your child to talk it out like you would with a friend.
• Keep laughing. Try to inject humor and play into your life and the lives of your children as much as you can; it can relieve stress and give you all a break from sadness and anger.
• See a therapist. If you are feeling intense anger, fear, grief, shame, or guilt, find a professional to help you work through those feelings.

Helping children cope with divorce: Work with your ex

Conflict between parents—separated or not—can be very damaging for kids. It’s crucial to avoid putting your children in the middle of your fights, or making them feel like they have to choose between you.

 Rules of thumb

Remember that your goal is to avoid lasting stress and pain for your children. The following tips can save them a lot of heartache.

• Take it somewhere else. Never argue in front of your children, whether it’s in person or over the phone. Ask your ex to talk another time, or drop the conversation altogether.
• Use tact. Refrain from talking with your children about details of their other parent’s behavior. It’s the oldest rule in the book: if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.
• Be nice. Be polite in your interactions with your ex-spouse. This not only sets a good example for your kids but can also cause your ex to be gracious in response.
• Look on the bright side. Choose to focus on the strengths of all family members. Encourage children to do the same.
• Work on it. Make it a priority to develop an amicable relationship with your ex-spouse as soon as possible. Watching you be friendly can reassure children and teach problem-solving skills as well.

The big picture

If you find yourself, time after time, locked in battle with your ex over the details of parenting, try to step back and remember the bigger purpose at hand.

• Relationship with both parents. What’s best for your kids in the long run? Having a good relationship with both of their parents throughout their lives.
• The long view. If you can keep long-term goals—your children’s physical and mental health, your independence—in mind, you may be able to avoid disagreements about daily details. Think ahead in order to stay calm.
• Everyone’s well-being. The happiness of your children, yourself, and, yes, even your ex, should be the broad brushstrokes in the big picture of your new lives after divorce.

Helping children cope with divorce: Know when to seek help

Some children go through divorce with relatively few problems, while others have a very difficult time. It’s normal for kids to feel a range of difficult emotions, but time, love, and reassurance should help them to heal. If your kids remain overwhelmed, though, you may need to seek professional help.

It will take some time for your kids to work through their issues about the separation or divorce, but you should see gradual improvement over time.

Red flags for more serious problems

If things get worse rather than better after several months, it may be a sign that your child is stuck in depression, anxiety, or anger and could use some additional support. Watch for these warning signs of divorce-related depression or anxiety:

Discuss these or other divorce-related warning-signs with your child’s doctor, teachers, or consult a child therapist for guidance on coping with specific problems.

Ten Secrets to a Successful Marriage

Here are ten principles that will help you create and maintain a successful marriage.

Successful couples are savvy. They read books, attend seminars, browse Web articles and observe other successful couples. However, successful couples will tell you that they also learn by experience – trial and error.

Here are ten principles of success I have learned from working with and observing hundreds of couples:

1. Happiness is not the most important thing. Everyone wants to be happy, but happiness will come and go. Successful couples learn to intentionally do things that will bring happiness back when life pulls it away.
2. Couples discover the value in just showing up. When things get tough and couples don’t know what to do, they need to hang in there and be there for their spouse. Time has a way of helping couples work things out by providing opportunities to reduce stress and overcome challenges.
3. If you do what you always do, you will get same result. Wise couples have learned that you have to approach problems differently to get different results. Often, minor changes in approach, attitude and actions make the biggest difference in marriage.
4. Your attitude does matter. Changing behavior is important, but so is changing attitudes. Bad attitudes often drive bad feelings and actions.
5. Change your mind, change your marriage. How couples think and what they believe about their spouse affects how they perceive the other. What they expect and how they treat their spouse matters greatly.
6. The grass is greenest where you water it. Successful couples have learned to resist the grass is greener myth – i.e. someone else will make me happy. They have learned to put their energy into making themselves and their marriage better.
7. You can change your marriage by changing yourself. Veteran couples have learned that trying to change their spouse is like trying to push a rope – almost impossible. Often, the only person we can change in our marriage is ourselves.
8. Love is a verb, not just a feeling. Everyday life wears away the “feel good side of marriage.” Feelings, like happiness, will fluctuate. But, real love is based on a couple’s vows of commitment: “For better or for worse” – when it feels good and when it doesn’t.
9. Marriage is often about fighting the battle between your ears. Successful couples have learned to resist holding grudges, bringing up the past and remembering that they married an imperfect person – and so did their spouse.
10. A crisis doesn’t mean the marriage is over. Crises are like storms: loud, scary and dangerous. But to get through a storm you have to keep driving. A crisis can be a new beginning. It’s out of pain that great people and marriages are produced.

The Truth about Falling out of Love

Falling in love is easy. It’s the staying in love part that is difficult. The emotions involved with falling in love can make you feel like you’re on top of the world. However, that giddy, heart-skipping-a-beat sort of love doesn’t last forever. Without taking steps to acquire a mature love, you can fall out of love just as easily as you fell in love.

Falling in Love

Falling in love is a passive experience that just happens naturally. You don’t need to put in any extra energy or effort. You can just idly get swept off your feet without having to do anything.

When you’re falling in love, emotions take over. In fact, many researchers have documented that when people are falling in love, their brain chemistry actually changes.  It’s even been compared to the hypomanic phase of bipolar disorder.

When you’re falling in love, you need less sleep, your appetite changes and you have more energy. Showing affection for one another comes natural. It’s easy to have patience with your new love.

Conversation is exciting and giving of your time and energy doesn’t seem to take much effort because it’s what you want to do. When you’re apart you look forward to seeing one another again.

The feelings at that intensity usually don’t sustain themselves. Most studies say couples experience this magnetic attraction for a maximum of two years. Over time, the intensity of those “in love feelings” naturally begin to fade.

Falling out of Love

As the intensity of those feelings fade, couples can fall out of love. Just as falling in love is a passive experience, falling out of love can be passive as well. Do nothing to nurture your relationship and those feelings will subside. It’s sort of the natural progression.

Over time, you’ll feel less of a need to touch one another. Communicating with one another won’t be as exciting, fresh and new. Going on dates and spending quality time together might start to grow stale.

Couples who choose to do nothing about the fact that those intense feelings have subsided will likely be disappointed with their relationship. They’ll feel disengaged and not connected. They’ll likely experience boredom and loneliness.

It can cause many people to wonder, “Did I marry the right person?” Some people become tempted to find a new love so they can experience those intense emotions again. But, it won’t last forever, even with someone new.

Other people will stay in the marriage, because it’s the right thing to do. However, they might busy themselves with friends and family or even hobbies to try and fill the void in their life that was once filled by love’s intensity. Despite their attempts to fill this void, they won’t really feel satisfied.

Couples who say, “We just sort of fell out of love,” are right. If you don’t put any effort to make sure you stay connected, you won’t have a healthy relationship. However, you don’t have to be a victim in the process.

Mature Love

Once the romantic, intense “in love” feelings subside, you have a choice to engage in a more mature love that can be even deeper and more meaningful. Mature love offers couples a true life partner. It doesn’t have to be boring or stale. Instead, it’s what you make of it because it’s based more on how you behave, rather than simply how you feel.

People who experience mature love don’t allow themselves to passively fall out of love. Instead, they take action. Choosing to take your relationship to the next level doesn’t come easy. It requires you to behave in a way that is contrary to your feelings at times. It takes hard work, dedication and commitment.

Without the intense “in love” feelings, it’s not as easy to behave lovingly. However, mature love means that you’ll give to your spouse when you don’t feel like giving. It means you can set your feelings aside to do what is best for the relationship.

People who experience mature love hug and kiss their partner regardless of whether or not it gives them butterflies in their stomach. They set aside time for the spouse even when they’ve got a hundred and one other things they could be doing. They are willing to set aside money to go on dates and to do the things they used to do when they were first falling in love, regardless of whether or not they feel like it.

They make a conscious decision every day to behave lovingly toward their spouse. And they don’t keep score about who contributes the most to the relationship. Instead, they give willingly without becoming resentful about what they are or aren’t getting back.

People who experience mature love don’t indulge themselves in thoughts that aren’t productive to the relationship. They don’t focus on thinking about how difficult the marriage is, how their spouse isn’t the same person they married or how much better life would be if they were with someone else.

Instead, in mature love, people can think about the positive aspects of their relationship. They focus on looking at what they can do to make their spouse’s day a little better. They think about what they can contribute to the relationship.

They also stay focused on making the best of what they have. They understand that this is the person they’ve chosen in life and that the relationship will be what they make of it. They understand that grass isn’t greener on the other side and it is less about who you marry and more about how you love the person that you’re married to.