10 Reasons People Might Cuss On a First Date

The average person on a first date typically tries to make a good first impression, so off-color language or offensive behavior is generally considered to be taboo. Things happen, though, and first dates don’t always go so smoothly. Sometimes you have to set decorum aside, other times you have no say in the matter. Today we’re gong to look at ten reasons why people might cuss on a first date:

First date is at a sporting event. – Remember, the word fan is short for fanatic, and when it comes to fanatics and their teams, all bets are off. Unless of course you’re Pete Rose, but that’s another article.
Tourette’s Syndrome – Some people simply can’t -%$*& – help themselves. We sympathize completely with those poor b#$&#^%$. It’s stressful enough on a first date without having to deal with this $^%&.
Locking keys in the car. – This is enough to drive anyone to fits of cussing, as far as we’re concerned. Never mind, Tourette’s, Forgets Syndrome causes way more volatile side effects. Trust us on this one.
Chicken Flambé – This is what happens when you try too hard to impress. You order something unusual at some fancy schmancy French restaurant. It comes to your table engulfed in flames as you’re bending down to pick up the napkin you fumbled to place on your lap. Your hair will be fully regrown long before anyone forgets this night.
Talking about their ex. – Let’s face it, it’s easy to slip into some fairly salty language when the mood is right. You may wish to keep the animosity you’re still feeling toward your ex to yourself. At least until the third date, anyway. And get some anger management therapy.
Seeing the restaurant check. – If the chicken flambé doesn’t get you, one look at the damages might do the trick. We’ll take care of the tip on this one: Don’t bite off more than you can chew just to make an impression.
It just comes naturally. – There are those, on the other hand, who swear like a drunken sailor even under normal circumstances. It could just be nerves, too. This is what dating is all about, though – discovering each other’s charming little peccadilloes that make us so interesting.
Sex on the first date. – Hey, it happens. Or so we’re told. When it does happen, we understand there’s a little thing called pillow talk that also takes place. So the language could get a little colorful, is all we’re saying.
Getting stood up. – On the plus side, you won’t lose any style points for this one. There’s no one there except you to hear the expletives. Try to get it out of your system before driving home, or calling him.
PTMD ( Post-Tarrantino Movie Disorder ) – If your date included a movie, it’s possible that discussing, or even quoting from it, might involve some dicey dialogue. As long as no one’s hair caught fire, or was left holding the bag, we say it’s all good.

10 Ways to Keep Your Spouse from Seeing Your Internet History

Your internet browsing history offers a nice peak into your private life. Where you spend your time, what you’ve searched for, what websites you visit most frequently – they’re all very telltale signs to who you really are. Because of this, you may not want your spouse to see where you’ve been while surfing the net. We’ll not address the reasons as to why, but if you are looking to keep your internet history a private affair there are ways to do so, and we’ve compiled some of them below.

Internet Explorer – To hide your internet history when you use Explorer follow these steps: a) Go to the top of the screen and open the “Tools” menu. b) Click on “Internet options.” c) Go to “Delete browsing history.” d) Click on the “History” and “Form data” boxes when the pop up menu comes up. e) Click on delete.
Firefox – If you use a Firefox browser and are interested in deleting your browsing history, then you will start by first opening the “Tools” menu. Next, select the “Internet options” and click on that. Then, click on the “Privacy” label. Finally, click on the “Clear History” tab.
Google Chrome – If you are using Google Chrome as your browser, follow these steps to remove your browsing history: select the “Tools” menu, then click on the “Options” tab. Another menu will appear, and you will select the “Under the hood” label. Next, click on the tag that says “Clear browsing data.” Then, click on the boxes labeled “Clear browsing history,” then, “Everything.” Last, select “Clear browsing data.”
Clearing unwanted information from Firefox – Sometimes you may have been redirected to an inappropriate site and you only want to clear that from your browser. If this is the case and you use Firefox then you can delete that by selecting the “Tools” option on the tool bar. Next, select “Clear Recent History.” After that, you need to choose from the options at which point you want to clear the history. You can choose between “Last Hour,” “Last Two Hours,” “Last Four Hours” or you can select “Everything.” When you exit Firefox and re-open the browser the adjustments will be complete.
Private Browsing Features– Most current browser versions have a private browsing setting that allows you to browse without storing the history. Chrome’s private browsing feature is called ‘Incognito’ and can be found under Tools, while Safari and Firefox simply call theirs ‘Private Browsing.” Explorer’s feature is found under the Safety menu and is called ‘InPrivate Mode.’
Go to the Library – Public Libraries have computers that can be used by the public. If you don’t want your spouse to see your internet history, you can take a trip to the local library and use one of their computers.
Use the computers at a workforce center – If you are doing work related searches, and for some reason, you don’t want your spouse to be aware of them, you can check on using the computers at a workforce center. Computers at such places are used by people looking for work. There may be some restrictions regarding which sites you can browse, however.
Turning off signed in search personalization with Google browsers – If you wish to disable history based searches, you will need to delete all past web history from your Google account. This can be accomplished by going to google.com/history while you are signed into your Google account. Once you get there, select “Remove all web history.” This will erase all items in your web history and prevent any future web history from being recorded.
Clear cookies and cache from your browser – If you just want to clear your browser of the cache and the current cookies (the tiny files that remember your personal settings) then you should go to the Google Accounts Help Center if you are using a Google browser.
Clear your Toolbar search history – If you need to clear the history from your toolbar and you are using Google for your browser just go to the Google Toolbar Help Center. There you will find the directions to clearing Toolbar search history.

Each browser has their own unique way of ensuring that you can swipe clean the history with the click of a few buttons. Whether it’s to make sure a surprise remains a surprise or you just don’t want questions about your internet habits, you can find ways to circumvent curious eyes.

When To Seek Infidelity Counseling

Infidelity is one of the biggest marriage killers. One reason is because couples wait too long to seek counseling after infidelity is occurred, if they seek counseling at all.

Of course, counseling will not help every situation. The couple has to want to overcome the infidelity and move on with their marriage. If one of the partners does not want to do this then no amount of counseling will help. However, if you both want to get past the infidelity and strengthen your marriage then you should seek counseling as early as possible.

The latest estimates are that 20% to 40% of all marriages deal with some level of unfaithfulness. Two early warning signs of infidelity are a new brand of secrecy and emotional distance. If you notice that your partner is holding secrets all of a sudden or that he or she is emotionally distant then that could be a sign of infidelity. That is when you should start seeking counseling, not later after you have confirmed the infidelity.

In order for your marriage to survive infidelity, you’ll have to rebuild trust. This is usually the work of the cheating partner, though in some cases the partner who was cheated on will need to work to build trust as well. Every situation is different.

When it comes to infidelity, you can overcome it and improve your marriage. Many couples re-emerge stronger in their relationship than before. It all depends on whether you want to pursue that and, if so, to seek marriage counseling for infidelity as soon as practical.

Settling Disagreements About How to Raise the Kids

It’s common for couples to disagree over raising the kids. However, these disagreements aren’t necessarily bad. In fact, disagreements about parenting issues can show that you are both involved. What makes the difference in whether or not these disagreements are productive, depends on how you settle them.

Arguing about parenting issues isn’t a bad thing. In fact, it can be a sign that both parents are working together as a team on parenting issues. If you and your spouse are working together to make decisions on how to raise the children, it is inevitable that you’ll disagree at times. The discussions you have when you disagree can be very helpful in addressing important issues.

Danger of Not Working Together

Sometimes when a couple doesn’t ever disagree on parenting issues, it can be a sign that one parent tends to be the “boss.” When this happens, one parent tends to set the rules and enforce the consequences while leaving the other parent out of making important decisions.

Sometimes it is the parent who spends the most time with the children who becomes the “boss.” Step-parents also sometimes falling into this trap. It can make it so that the other parent is treated more like a child rather than an equal partner.

It can be unhealthy for kids when they see that both parents are not equally involved. It can cause anxiety for some kids and hostility for others. It can be damaging to the parent-child relationship as well.

When couples don’t work together to address important parenting issues, it can leave the parent who does the disciplining feeling more like a single parent. It can leave the other parent feeling like they are treated more like a child rather than a partner. Having a happy and healthy marriage becomes impossible if the couple isn’t working together on such an important part of their marriage.

How to Respectfully Disagree About Parenting Issues

One of the first rules to remember when you disagree with your spouse on discipline issues is to avoid arguing in front of the children. If the kids know you disagree, they will use it to their advantage very quickly! Therefore, it’s important to have discussions about parenting issues when the children aren’t present.

When you disagree with your spouse’s parenting decisions, it is important to point out your concerns. Point out what impact you think it will have on the child. For example, “I think if she doesn’t get a time out every time she hits her sister, she will keep doing it,” or “I’m afraid if you buy her a toy every time she cries at the store, we’re just teaching her crying gets what she wants.”

Try to find some common ground. Most couples want the same things for their kids; they just have different ideas of how to get there. For example, one parent may think a teenager learns responsibility by having a set time each night that he has to do his homework. The other parent may think the best way to learn responsibility is by experiencing natural consequences, such as getting a bad grade when he doesn’t do his homework. Both parents want their child to learn how to be responsible and together, they can find a strategy to help the child learn in a way that they both can agree on.

When to Seek Parenting Help

It is important to seek outside help when your disagreements over parenting impact your marriage. It’s also important to recognize the impact your disagreements have on the children. When parents can’t agree on rules and consequences, it can create a lot of anxiety, resentment and hostility within children.

If one of you seems to be the “boss” of the kids it can also signal the need for some outside help. Sometimes people parent as if they were a single parent, which isn’t healthy for a marriage. If one parent is disengaged it can also signal the need for professional intervention.

Getting Marriage Counseling to Help with Parenting

Marriage counselors can help you address parenting issues. When a couple disagrees about parenting styles and discipline techniques, sometimes short-term counseling can help clarify values, identify concerns, and develop teamwork.

Sometimes parenting disagreements can signal deeper underlying issues as well. For example, control issues are sometimes played out in parenting. At other times, a spouse who wants to be liked by the children may struggle to set limits. Marriage counseling can also help identify and address these and other underlying issues.

Bonding With Your Child

Better bonding wiht your child. When the doctor cuts the umbilical cord at birth, the physical attachment to our mothers cease. This is when physical and emotional attachments begin.

Research has proven that without a secure mother figure, a child who is exposed to unexpected events will have an intense stress reaction. When the doctor cuts the umbilical cord at birth, the physical attachment to our mothers cease. This is when psychological and emotional attachments begin.

Being physically attached to our mothers while in the womb is a life sustaining attachment. Without it, we would never be born but research has shown that emotional and psychological attachment provides a foundation that allows us to thrive in the world. A firm bond between mother and child affects reactions later in life. It reflects how well children do in school, how they build relationships with friends and how well they react to stressful or new situations.

Babies often become very attached to their primary caregiver. In the 1950’s, this was usually their mother. In the 90’s and well into the future, it was, and will continue to be, more often than not, someone else.

Babies who are securely attached to a mother figure feel she is a safe base from which they can explore the world. They are assured by the presence of this mother figure and go to her when they are hurt, stressed or frightened. If the child does not have a concrete bond with their mother figure, they still seek her out but she is not of great comfort or assurance. This leaves a definite void in their lives. If a bonding occurs between a child and caregiver, what impact does this have on a child’s life?

Infants who have a deep bonding with their mothers become very independent at a young age. This bond also boosts their self-esteem. It is the most important part of a child’s life. Even when their lives are unstable, the bonding process enables them to be self-reliant and enjoy relationships with peers. These children are also more successful in school, especially in mathematics. Bonding creates within the child a sense of confidence and a positive attitude. This influences both attendance and achievement.

It has been found that the lack of bonding in infants can have a life-lasting effect on a child. It has also been found that children who have formed deep bonds and suffer loss of the person they are bonded to will become less secure.

Infants that don’t bond are more likely to be anxious and insecure. However, if their mothers enter into a loving relationship and rid themselves of anxiety and depression, the infant will become more secure. Infants are deeply affected by the emotions of those around them, especially their mother or mother figure.

If there is no motherly bonding whatsoever with a child, the result is a profound negative effect. This would occur when babies are abandoned at birth or sent directly to an institution. The child will have little or no physical or emotional bonding with its caregivers unless it is adopted quickly. Often, the staff or even a foster mother is so overworked that they do not have the time to bond with a child. If they do, this can lead to negative affects when the child and the caregiver are separated.

Cortisol is a stress-related hormone that is regulated by the pituitary-adrenal system. It works with adrenaline to regulate sugar levels in the blood. Cortisol dampens the body’s reaction to stress by suppressing the immune system. Touch is crucial to the regulation of the stress-response system. It can affect a child’s motor skills and memory. During the average day a typical child’s cortisol level peaks in the morning and decreases in the evening. In children who have no motherly attachment, the cortisol levels continue to increase during the morning and only decrease slightly by evening.

In the nineties and probably well into the future, more children are being placed in daycare centers. The staff of these facilities becomes the child’s primary caregiver. This title also includes parents, grandparents or any person who cares for the child during the day.

Infants and small children form a bond with the person who diapers, feeds and comforts them. Researchers have found that 50% of children form the same type of bond with primary caregivers as they form with their mothers. The only difference is that 70% of children form a close bond with their mother. The lower rate of bonding with caregivers probably reflects a lower quality of care and closeness.

Studies have found that children who have formed a close bond with primary caregivers are sociable and gregarious. Those children lacking a secure bond are more likely to be antisocial, withdrawn, hostile and aggressive.

Bonding develops through interaction. Breastfeeding, reading to your child or any activity where you spend one-on-one quality time with your child turns into a bonding experience. Horseplay, heart-to-heart talks and just listening intently to what your child has to say can create a strong bond that will last forever.

Research has found that society needs to find ways to ensure that mothers can stay at home with their children. This usually, though not always, ensures high quality care and a firm bonding process.

Trends of today make it almost impossible for mothers to stay at home and care for their children. If it is necessary for mothers to work, they should take great care in choosing a primary caregiver. Whether it is a daycare facility, a realtive or a hired daycare provider, it is a parent’s responsibility to ensure that their children have someone with which to form a strong bond. This will give the child a firm foundation on which to base his/her life. After all, children are our most precious assets. They are the future of the world.

How to Be a Good Parent

Be a Good Parent

Being a parent is one of the most fulfilling experiences a person can have. The most important thing a parent can give their child, however, is a sense of being loved. Just keep in mind that you don’t have to be infallible to be a “perfect” parent.

Edit Steps

Express Your Love and Affection

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Express love and affection:
A gentle cuddle, a little encouragement, appreciation, approval or even a smile can go a long way to boost the confidence and well-being of your children. Sadly, many children seek this kind of acceptance from their peers.
Tell them you love them every day.
Give lots of hugs and some kisses.
Love them unconditionally; don’t force them to be who you think they should be in order to earn your love. Let them know that you will always love them no matter what.

Praise Your Children

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Praise your children:
Avoid comparing your children to others, especially siblings. Each child is individual and unique. Celebrate their differences and instill in each child the desire to pursue their interests and dreams. Failure to do so may give your child an inferiority complex, an idea that they can never be good enough in your eyes.
Teach your children that it is okay for them to be different, and they do not have to follow the crowd. Teach them right from wrong when they are young, and they will (more often than not) be able to make their own decisions, instead of listening to/following others.
Remember that your child is not an extension of yourself. Your child is an individual under your care, not a chance for you to relive your life through them.

Avoid Criticism

When your child acts out in a harmful and spiteful manner, tell him or her that such behavior is unacceptable and suggest alternatives. Avoid statements such as: “You’re bad.” “Go away!”, etc. (as difficult as it may be to remain positive).
Be assertive yet kind when pointing out what they have done wrong. Be stern/serious, but not cross or mean, when you tell them what you expect.
Avoid public humiliation. If they misbehave in public, take them aside, and scold them privately.
Reasonably model the behavior and character you hope your children will adopt and continue to live by the rules that you set. Show them by example in addition to verbal explanations. Children have a tendency to become what they see and hear unless they make a conscious and concerted effort to break the mold.
A child may have an opposite disposition, ie: introverted when you are extroverted, for instance; and not be able to fit into the pattern and style that you choose, but will make ones own decisions.
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Be consistent:
Enforce rules that apply to every person leading a happy and productive life — not model rules of your ideal/dream person.
Enforce the same rules all the time, and resist your child’s attempts to manipulate you into making exceptions.
Control your temper.
Communicate clearly. Children should be very familiar with the consequences of their actions. If you give them a punishment, be sure they understand the reason and the fault, if you cannot articulate the reason and how they are at fault the punishment will not have the discouraging effects you desire.
Life is a great teacher. Don’t be too quick to rescue your child from the results of their own actions if the consequences are not overly severe. Example: Cutting themselves may hurt, but it’s better than leaving them unaware of why sharp objects should be avoided.
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Listen to them:
Express interest in your children and involve yourself in his and her life.
Create an atmosphere in which they can come to you with a problem however large or small.

Be a Role Model

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Be a Role Model. Young kids are like sponges, they notice everything. As parents we are our children’s first role model. Pay attention to what you say or do around them and think about what kind of example you are making.
Want to teach kids about charity? Get involved and take your kids with you to a soup kitchen or homeless shelter and help serve up meals. Explain to them why you do acts of charity so they understand why they should.
Teach kids about chores by setting a schedule and having them help you out. Don’t tell your child to do something, but ask for their help. The earlier they learn to help you, the longer they will be willing to.
Want your kids to listen to you? Show them you can listen to them.
If you want your son or daughter to learn to share, set a good example and share your things with them.

Help Your Children Feel Safe

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Help them feel safe:
Respect their privacy as you would want them to respect yours; for example, if you teach your child that your room is out of boundaries to them, respect the same with their room. Allow them to feel that once they enter their room they can know that no one will look through their drawers, or read their diary.
Instill in them, a sense of belonging by displaying individual and family portraits on the walls of the house.
Don’t argue with your spouse in front of the children. If they are sleeping, argue quietly. Children may feel insecure and fearful when they hear parents bickering. In addition, children will learn to argue with each other the same way they hear their parents argue with each other. Show them that when people disagree, they can discuss their differences peacefully.
Avoid favoritism. Surveys have shown that most parents have favorites, but most children believe that they are the favorite. If your children are quarreling, don’t choose sides, but be fair and neutral.
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Avoid rescuing them. Help your kids know their options, and the consequences of each one, then both you and they live with whatever option they select, generally.

Set boundaries such as bedtimes and curfews, so they learn that they have limitations. By doing so, they actually get a sense of being loved and cared about by their parents. They might rebel at those boundaries, but inwardly enjoy knowing that concerned parents guide and love them.
Encourage responsibility by giving them jobs or “chores” to do and as a reward for those jobs give them some kind of privilege (money, extended curfew, extra play time, etc.). As “punishment” for not doing these jobs, they have the corresponding privilege revoked. Even the youngest of children can learn this concept of reward/consequence. As your child grows, give them more responsibilities and more rewards/consequences for completing those responsibilities (or not).
Teach them what is right and wrong. If you are religious, take them to the religious institute that you follow. If you are an atheist or an agnostic, teach them your moral stance on things. In either case, don’t be hypocritical or be prepared for your child to point out that you are not “practicing what you preach”.
Make sure that they have a healthy way of life. Many parents do this the wrong way. Instead of forcing children to try eating something, give them a choice between two things. It can push children, especially preteens and up, to a very emotional point, if you begin to harp for them to change their eating habits. If they want something unhealthy, suggest an alternative or a smaller size. If you know they favor a certain unhealthy food at a restaurant, taking them there a lot is not good. And if you start over-explaining to the child that it is unhealthy or that they shouldn’t get it — they may take it the wrong way and feel like you are insulting them. Once this happens, they will no longer want to go out to eat with you, and they will feel bad eating around you which could make them want to sneak and hide junk food from you. When you tell them they can’t have something or shouldn’t… it can create one of two things. One, it could make them want it even more and find out how to get it anyways. Two, it could make them feel extremely bad (contrary/oppositional), and they might go all out with all unhealthy foods except that one which could be worse than giving choices to get cooperation.
When trying to enforce healthy eating habits, start it at a younger age. Giving rewards of candy to children may create a bad habit, because once they get older, some may feel they should reward themselves which can lead to obesity. While they are young, start them out with healthier snacks. Instead of chips, try goldfish (crackers), grapes, etc. The eating habits they learn as they are younger are the ones they continue to have. Also, never make your child finish their plate, if they say they are hungry. This can continue throughout their life causing them to finish no matter what portions are on their plate.
Don’t routinely do things for your children that they can learn to do for themselves. While getting them a glass of water before bed is a nice way to make them get to sleep faster, don’t do it so often that they come to expect it.
Emphasis moderation and responsibility when it comes to alcohol consumption even when children are young. Explain that they will have to wait until they are old enough to enjoy a drink with friends, and talk about the importance of designated drivers. Failure to discuss these issues early sometimes contributes to sneaking and dangerous experimentation, if they don’t understand. Again, don’t be hypocritical or your child will (more than likely) ignore your advice.
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Allow your kids to experience life for themselves. Don’t make decisions for them all the time; they must learn how to live with the consequences from the choices they make. After all, they will have to learn to think for themselves sometime. It’s best they start when you are there to help minimize the negative consequences and accentuate the positive ones. They need to learn that their own actions have consequences (good and bad). By doing so, it helps them to become good decision makers and problem solvers so that they are prepared for independence and adulthood.

Spend Quality Time With Your Children

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Spend a lot of time with your kids and love them with all your heart. Be careful not to stifle/smother them, however. There’s a big difference between protecting someone and imprisoning them within your too unyielding demands.
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Spend time with each child individually: try to divide your time equally if you have more than one child.
Spend time with each child individually: try to divide your time equally if you have more than one child.
Spend time with each child individually: try to divide your time equally if you have more than one child.
Set aside a day to go to a park, theme parks, museum or library depending on their interests.
Attend school functions. Do homework with them. Visit their teacher at open house. Even if it means taking some time away from work. Remember that children grow fast, and soon will be on their own. Your boss may or may not remember that you missed that meeting, but your child will most certainly remember that you didn’t attend the play they were in.

Eliminate Bad Habits

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Give up your vices. Gambling, alcohol and drugs can jeopardize your child’s financial security. Smoking, for example, almost always introduces health hazards to your child’s environment. Second-hand smoke has been linked to several respiratory ailments in children. It could also contribute to the early death of a parent. Alcohol and drugs might also introduce health hazards or violence to your child’s environment.

Tips

If you’re trying to quit a habit yourself, look into groups that can help you overcome it. Always get support, and have someone you can talk to when you begin to get a craving for your habit. Remember that you’re not only helping yourself, but you’re helping your child as well.
Improve your child’s social skills.
Reflect on your own childhood frequently. Identify mistakes your parents made, and make an effort to avoid passing them on to the next several generations. Every generation of parents/children gets to make a whole set of new successes and/or mistakes.
Encourage introspection by sharing with your children your own self-evaluations.
Address your needs to be loved, but value your children’s needs over others. Do not abandon your children for your love interests. Make your child a priority when you are dating, and do not put your child in danger by introducing someone new into the household that you do not know well. Children need to feel safe, secure and loved. If you are suddenly leaving them out and not addressing their needs in order to tend to a new boyfriend or girlfriend, your children will grow to feel insecure and abandoned. Love is needed by everyone, but not at the expense of your child’s emotional health. This also applies to older children.
A teen who is on the brink of adulthood needs the support of a parent more than ever. Do not think that just because they are almost 18 or 21 years old that you can leave them to figure it all out on their own. Do not intervene/interfere unnecessarily, however. You have to walk a fine line.

Do not be afraid to be a parent. Do your best, be their friend, but never let them forget you are their parent, not a collaborator.
Parenting does not stop when a child grows up. Being a good parent remains a life-long role. But remember that once they become adults, the decisions they make in life are ultimately theirs with their consequences.
Do not strictly follow the parental behavioral stereotypes of your culture, race, ethnic group, family, or other defining factor. Please do not believe that there is only one way to raise a child.
Do not force them by beating, hurting or injuring them. It will only cause resentment and make them go against you. Also, you might get arrested and your child would be placed in foster care — and if you have multiple children, they may be separated as well.

The Key Components in a Loving Marriage

What does it take to build and maintain a loving marriage in today’s fast-paced rat race? The sad truth is that many couples can only speculate how to nurture a healthy marriage, but struggle to practice what is preached.

But what’s truly missing in a loveless marriage isn’t always clear-cut. The reality of pressures from daily living and work often don’t fit within personal, family or societal visions of “the perfect marriage.” This often puts couples in the middle of a firefight. In the midst of the conflict, it is often the simple and practical that escapes their grasps.

Restoring love back in marriage and growing and fostering a healthy marriage should include these essential components:

Long-lasting communication and romantic gestures that are maintained with both partner’s needs understood and considered.
Understanding and accepting one another’s faults.
Remaining supportive through efforts to learn from mistakes, rather than belittling or focusing on the negative.
Picking your battles. Don’t waste time on nitpicking. If the issue is really important to you or your spouse, address it in a way that shows respect for your spouse. Work calmly on the most important issues to increase loving interactions.
Respecting each other’s habits, hobbies, desires, etc.
Understanding and encouraging the independence necessary at times to grow as individuals as well as a couple.

Obviously these components are but a small portion of what it takes for loving marriages to stay that way. It could be that restoring love back in marriage means retracing steps back to the foundation of a relationship and understanding that the notion of love is not always enough. A loveless marriage could be simply missing the key components that are required to nurture and grow a loving relationship. Or it could be that love and loyalty “roots of a healthy relationship” need support and sensitivity to grow from where you started as a couple.

But be wary of either side making it a practice to abandon compromise for self sacrifice. It takes two happy people feeling that their needs are being fostered and placed on the top of the priority list. One person cannot give and give to the point of exhausting their self-reliance and individuality and expect to sustain a loving marriage.

Seek out specialized and experienced help if you feel trapped or unable to find constructive solutions. Sometimes a marriage’s worst enemy is being too close to an issue to maintain healthy perspectives on it. To move forward, each spouse’s growth must be kept in mind. And sometimes couples need someone to step in and offer a steadying hand, rather than facing the challenges of fostering a loving marriage alone.

Five Components for a Healthy Marriage

By blue23ice

COMMUNICATION: expression of thoughts and feelings both verbal and nonverbal; being a good listener.

* be a good listener

* ask questions about the other person’s like and dislike

* wait until the other person finishes his/her statement prior to speaking

* speak calmly even when angry or hurt, or take time out and plan a “date” to resume the discussion when you’ve both calmed down

* no name calling

COMMITMENT: stick to one’s promise or agreement; loyal; reliable; faithful through good times and bad.

* keep one’s promises even when one feels like doing something else

* help and finish household chores

* watch younger siblings

* be a responsible student, team member or club member

* be on time

* complete assignments

SELF-CONTROL: ability to control feelings; speak and act calmly even though you may be angered; doing what is expected even without individuals having to watch you.

* choose to obey rules

* speaks and act calmly when hurt or angry

* practice moderation in all things

* avoid alcohol, drugs, smoking and premarital sex

* do what is expected without being watched

* NEVER hit or strike someone when angry

COMPATIBILITY: capable of existing together in harmony

* have similar goals and dreams

* shared faith and values

* a genuine enjoyment of the other person–a good friend

* a desire to see the other person achieve his/her best in life

LOVE: a choice and daily decision; not based solely on feelings; to care for someone deeply even though one’s feelings may not be reciprocated; unselfish love.

* want what is best for others

* daily commitment

* daily decision to love, even when you don’t feel like it

* giving for the good of others

25 Ways to Fight Fair

Don’t waste a good fight by not learning from it.

Please note that the words “fight” and “fighting fair” are used below to mean expressing one’s disagreement or anger to another constructively. At no time should physical harm be considered “fighting fair.”

Know your own feelings. Seek to grow in self-awareness. Being in touch with your own true feelings is essential before you can constructively handle anger or conflict.
Anger is an emotion – neither right nor wrong in itself. There is no morality to feelings. Try to understand what prompted the feeling. Morality comes into play when you take a destructive action as a result of a feeling.
Negotiation and compromise are essential in any marriage. During a calm, clear moment agree that neither partner should “win” a fight. If one wins, the other loses and builds resentment. In effect, both have then lost because the relationship is damaged. Even when one spouse is wrong, permit him or her salvage self-respect.
Cooling-off periods. Establish ground rules that permit either partner to “cool off” before trying to resolve anger. It may be necessary to walk or engage in some other physical activity in order to allow anger to dissipate. Such a period can allow a spouse to identify the issue more clearly and organize his or her thoughts, thus keeping the fight more on focus.
Pin down a time and place. Be sure, however, that resolving an issue is not postponed indefinitely. After cooling off, pin down a time and place to continue. For example, after the news goes off and in the living room – not in the bathroom doorway while brushing teeth.
Fight by mutual consent. Don’t insist on a fight when your spouse is tired or unable to handle the strain. A fair fight requires two ready participants.
Stick to the subject. When a number of issues seem to be accumulating, present them one at a time. If you have not resolved past issues, put them on a current or future agenda. Make sure both of you go beyond skirmishing, insult rituals, or angry displays. Shooting broadside like a roaring cannon prevents resolution.
State the issue honestly and clearly. Don’t simply say, “I’m hurt by the way you don’t show me respect.” Rather, be clear and specific as in, “I felt hurt when you said…or when your tone of voice sounds condescending toward me.”
Don’t camouflage. Don’t evade a deeper grievance by allowing your feelings to center only on less important or extraneous issues. “The potatoes are too salty tonight!” might be a minor irritant that covers the unspoken, “I don’t think that you understand all the pressure I’m under at work!”
Afraid to fight? If one of you feels afraid to fight, this should not evoke a put down but rather may be a fear of being hurt or rejected. Put the fear on the agenda for later discussion.
Don’t hit below the belt. Everyone has vulnerable areas. Don’t use your confidential knowledge of your partner’s weaknesses and sensitivities to hurt him/her.
Don’t label. Avoid telling your spouse that he/she is neurotic, depressing, or a bore. Rather, try, “I’m tense inside, honey, because you seem moody and depressed. I’d like us to talk about it.”
Grant equal time. Agree that no resolution of an issue can be presumed until each partner has had the chance to express his/her feelings, ideas, and information.
Feedback and clarification. If the fight is emotional and heated, slow it down by starting a “feedback loop.” One technique is to paraphrase back to your spouse what your heard. For example, “Honey, what I hear you saying is that I’m boring you because I have no outside interest. Is that right?” The other then responds by either confirming the accuracy of your statement or clarifying it.
Gain new understanding. Extract enough new information and insight from a fight to permit growth. Don’t waste a good fight by not learning from it.
Implement changes. Follow anger with a fair, firm, clear request for a change or improvement in whatever brought on the fight. Each partner must be clear as to what he/she agrees to modify or improve. Be specific and realistic. For example, it would be agreed that whenever the husband seemed tense, the wife would encourage him to tell her about it, instead of their old pattern of both keeping silent.
Develop humor. Humor goes a long way towards promoting healing.
Keep your fights to yourself. Exceptions would be when more serious problems suggest the need for a counselor. Good counseling is like medicine – it helps do what you might not be able to do alone.
Handling anger in front of children. When anger and conflict initially erupt in front of children, also try to resolve these feelings in front of them. You may need a cooling off period first, but they need to learn about negotiation, discussion, and compromise by watching you do it constructively. Apologizing for excesses in front of children also teaches them about reconciliation.
Don’t attempt to resolve a conflict when drinking heavily.
“Touch” can begin dialogue. Use touch to help your spouse make the “entry” or “re-entry” into a communicative mood. A foot reaching over in bed, a hand on the shoulder can say eloquently, “Honey, one of us needs to begin the dialogue. I’m willing to start.”
Exclude violence. Agree in advance that real violence is always ruled out.
Is the problem elsewhere? Determine through honest inner searching whether your anger lies primarily (or only secondarily) within the marriage relationship. Spouses might be struggling with poor health, role insecurities at work, fear of death, anxiety about the future, or other unresolved issues. It can be reassuring when a couple realizes that their relationship may not always be the principle problem, even though the real problem still causes anguish.
Respect crying. Crying is a valid response to how we feel. Do not, however, let crying sidetrack from getting to the real issue causing the conflict.
Prayer as strength. Major religions view marriage as sacred and prayer as a vital strength. While human behavior principles must not be neglected in learning how to handle conflict constructively, neither should couples neglect the religious resources of their faith in working out their problems.

Fair Fighting Rules for Couples
by Nathan Cobb, Ph.D.

Every sport, from basketball to golf, has rules that define the game. Rules provide purpose, safety, structure, and predictability. They make it possible for everyone to understand what’s going on, strategize, and resolve disagreements.

SIDEBAR
Click here for a fridge door version of Fair Fighting Rules for Couples.

Unfortunately, while the necessity for rules is self-evident in the world of sports, it is often forgotten when trying to resolve conflict in families. This is one reason why some spouses would rather have a root canal than get into conflict—they’ve seen too many occasions where marital arguments were akin to playing full-contact American football with no referee, no safety equipment, and no commitment to a set of rules.

But conflict does not have to be unsafe, unpredictable and without purpose. When spouses are committed to following a set of rules, conflict can be an opportunity for couples to grow their “cooperation muscles.” Handling conflict constructively can even help couples develop greater closeness through achieving mutual understanding, learning to cooperate, taking each other’s perspective, and resolving problems together.

So what is a good set of rules? The following list outlines nine suggested fair-fighting rules intended to help couples handle conflict without harming the relationship.

FAIR FIGHTING RULE #1: NO DEGRADING LANGUAGE

Avoid name-calling, insults, put-downs or swearing. Putting your partner down or criticizing your partner’s character shows disrespect for his or her dignity. In sports there are many rules that prevent one player from intentionally injuring another. In marriage and relationships, similar rules must apply. When you intentionally injure your partner, it’s like saying, “You are not safe with me. I will do whatever it takes to protect myself or to win.”

FAIR FIGHTING RULE #2: NO BLAMING

It’s pointless to blame each other. Blaming your spouse distracts you from solving the problem at hand. It invites your spouse to be defensive and it escalates the argument.

For example, if you leave a visa bill lying on the table, and the bill later goes missing, you might be tempted to blame your spouse. You might insist that your spouse is disorganized, must have picked it up and put it somewhere else. Your spouse, in turn, might accuse you of being absent-minded and insist that you just don’t remember where you put it. But blaming each other will not accomplish anything. It won’t help either of you feel any better. It won’t strengthen your relationship at all. And it won’t help you find the bill.

In situations like this, make a conscious decision that your relationship is too important to undermine it with blame and judgment. Focus on keeping your goodwill for each other intact and finding solutions to the problem instead of blaming.

FAIR FIGHTING RULE #3: NO YELLING

Yelling only escalates things. Chances are nothing will get resolved when your emotions are running so high. If you’re mad and feel like yelling, then it’s time to step away and cool down (see rule #9).

Keep in mind that yelling can be subjective. What is yelling to your spouse may not be yelling to you. Perhaps you are not tuned in to how you sound. Or you may have grown up in a home where family members were loud and passionate, and talking loud when you are upset seems normal.

Your spouse’s experience is the one that counts here, however. If it feels like yelling to your spouse, then you are at least raising your voice, if not yelling. Make a conscious effort to lower your voice. The meaning of your communication lies in how your message is actually landing with others. If you can’t tone it down because you are too upset, then it is probably best to take a time-out.

FAIR FIGHTING RULE #4: NO USE OF FORCE

Using physical force or threatening to use force (i.e. a raised fist or a verbal threat) in any way is unacceptable. Develop the self-discipline to set limits on your anger and your behavior before you reach this level. If either of you resort to physical force and violence in your relationship, seek professional help.

Use of force includes pushing, shoving, grabbing, hitting, punching, slapping or restraining. It includes punching a hole in a wall, throwing things or breaking something in anger. Acting out your anger in these ways violates the other person’s boundaries and sense of safety. Each of us has a right to be safe and free of abuse or physical danger in our relationships.

FAIR FIGHTING RULE #5: NO TALK OF DIVORCE

In the heat of an argument, threatening to leave the relationship is manipulative and hurtful. It creates anxiety about being abandoned and undermines your ability to resolve your issues. It quickly erodes your partner’s confidence in your commitment to the relationship. Trust is not easily restored once it is broken in this way. It makes the problems in your relationship seem much bigger than they need to be.

FAIR FIGHTING RULE #6: DEFINE YOURSELF, NOT YOUR SPOUSE

This rule is about being the expert of your own world, not your spouse’s world. Use words that describe how you feel, and what you want and need, not what your partner feels, wants, or believes.

It may seem easier to analyze your partner than to analyze yourself, but interpreting your partner’s thoughts, feelings and motives will distract you from identifying your own underlying issues, and will likely invite defensiveness from your spouse.

More importantly, telling your spouse what he or she thinks, believes or wants is controlling and presumptuous. It is saying that you know your spouse’s inner world better than your spouse does.

Instead, work on identifying your own unmet needs, feelings, and ways of thinking and describe these needs and feelings to your spouse.

FAIR FIGHTING RULE #7: STAY IN THE PRESENT

Stay in the present and resist the temptation to use the situation as an occasion to bring up other issues from the past. It’s discouraging to keep bringing up the past. You can’t change the past. You can only change today. You can look forward to a better future. Try to keep your focus on what can be done today to resolve the issue at hand and go forward from there. If you get off-topic, on to other issues, stop yourselves and agree to get back on track. You can always come back to other issues later.

If you do find yourself bringing up issues from the past it is likely because those issues were never resolved in the first place. Things may have happened that you and your spouse never really talked about. Or you may have tried to talk about it in the past but without fighting fair. This rule will be easier to follow, going forward, if you both make a commitment to discuss issues as they happen rather than letting them fester.

FAIR FIGHTING RULE #8: TAKE TURNS SPEAKING

Let one person speak at a time. When one speaks, the other should be listening—really listening, not just planning their rebuttal. Take turns speaking and listening so that you both have a chance to say what you need.

Have you ever tried to work through a difficult issue when your spouse was talking over top of you and interrupting you? How did you feel? Consciously remind yourself about this when you feel an overwhelming urge to interrupt or speak your mind.

FAIR FIGHTING RULE #9: WHEN NECESSARY, USE TIME-OUTS

Violating these fair fighting rules is typically a sign that you have already crossed a threshold physiologically, in which signals from the more primitive, emotional centers of your brain have begun to drown out the signals from the more rational parts of your brain. Stress hormones flood your body at this stage. Self-preservation becomes the focus. In this fight-or-flight state, creative problem-solving and mutual cooperation are unlikely. You end up in an escalating argument that becomes more and more hostile and defensive. In fact, it is impossible to have a rational discussion in a climate of hostility and disrespect. This is when its time for rule #9: call a time-out.

A time-out is a short break to cool off, calm down and get perspective. Think of it like pushing the pause button on a video. It’s an opportunity to restore calm and be more reflective instead of reactive. Use the time-out to reflect on why you feel the way you do. Think about how to express yourself in a positive way. Try to think about the other person’s feelings and point of view. Think things through before you speak. Then “push play” again and return to each other to resolve the issues calmly.

A time-out should be at least a half-hour long (but no longer than twenty-four hours). It takes at least a half-hour for your body’s physiology to return to a normal resting state and for your thoughts to become less hostile or defensive. It’s surprising how different a person’s outlook can be after they’ve had a chance to calm down.

Conclusion

For some people, rules such as these represent a completely different way of fighting than what they were exposed to in their families of origin. Many spouses grew up in homes where yelling, blaming, name-calling and finger-pointing were considered normal methods for handling disagreements. Such methods seem normal when they happen so often and we are not exposed to any other models for handling disagreements.

How well do you “follow the rules” when you fight? As you read through this list, evaluate your own fighting style. Do you “fight fair” or are you a “below the belt” fighter? Which of these rules do you struggle with? Are there changes you need to make? Write down any rules that you find yourself breaking in an argument. Write down any steps you could take to help you keep that rule.

Try posting these rules on your fridge door and refer to them daily.