The 5 Sides of Intimacy in Marriage
Hint: It's more than just sex
By Gary D. Chapman
Henry was usually jovial and positive. Last night, however, he came late to our church meeting and didn't have much to say.
"I'll never understand women," he told me after the meeting. "My wife thinks we need more intimacy. She says we aren't as close as we used to be. I don't know what she's talking about. I thought we had a good marriage."
All-encompassing
There's something about our psychological, spiritual, and physical makeup that cries out for intimacy with another. That's because God designed marriage to be the most intimate of all human relationships, in which we share life intellectually, socially, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
Are you and your spouse intimate in these ways?
Intellectual intimacy. This isn't about discussing highly intellectual ideas. The important thing is discussing your thoughts. They may be thoughts about food, finances, health, crime, work, politics. They reveal something of what's gone on in your mind throughout the day.
Social intimacy. This has to do with spending time around the events of life. Some of these events we experience together; others happen while we're apart and are shared through open communication. Much of life involves doing. When we do things together, we not only develop a sense of teamwork, we also enhance our sense of intimacy.
Emotional intimacy. Feelings are our spontaneous, emotional responses to what we encounter through the five senses. I see the fire truck racing down the road and I feel troubled. You touch my hand and I feel loved. When we share emotions, we build emotional intimacy.
Spiritual intimacy. Often the least excavated of all the foundations of marital intimacy, yet this has a significant impact on the others. It doesn't require agreement of belief on every detail. Instead, we seek to tell each other what's going on in our inner self. It's discussing our thoughts about spiritual realities. The purpose isn't agreement, but understanding.
Physical intimacy. Because men and women are different (long live their differences!), we often come at sexual intimacy in different ways. The husband's emphasis is often on the physical aspects—the seeing, touching, and climax are the focus of his attention. The wife, though, comes to sexual intimacy with more interest in the relationship. To feel loved, appreciated, and treated tenderly brings her great joy. Sexual intimacy requires understanding and responding to these differences.
Practicing intimacy
An essential ingredient of intimacy is allowing your spouse to be himself without striving to conform him to your ideals.
In intimacy, we try to grow closer together, not to eliminate the "otherness," but to enjoy it. Men and women are different and we must not, even with good intentions, seek to destroy those differences.
What keeps us from experiencing intimacy? All of us are egocentric; the world revolves around us. Yet, when we focus on self, we lose intimacy.
The opposite of self-centeredness, then, is love. Love concentrates on the well-being of the spouse. We take time to listen to the thoughts, feelings, and desires of our spouse. We seek to understand and to respond with empathy. We choose to do things with each other, even things that may not be our favorite activities, simply because we want to be with each other.
In the context of such intimacy we become supportive and caring of each other, which builds a stronger, more contented marriage.
Labels: intimacy, marriage
How to Safeguard Your Marriage
Another Secret to Fixing Your Relationship
When Chrissy Redden set her sights on an Olympic gold medal, she gave up a promising senior management position in the food industry to train full-time. As she trained to qualify for the 2000 Olympics, a fan questioned the Canadian mountain biker's sacrifice. "Why do so many Olympic athletes sacrifice their careers, education, and future livelihoods for a chance at the gold?" he asked. "I just can't imagine giving up all that!"
It's a good question, isn't it? Why do athletes sacrifice, endure pain, push their bodies beyond their limits, and pass up other opportunities? The answer: they want to! And why do they want to? BECAUSE IT'S WORTH IT.
Physical fitness isn't just about adding elements that improve your health, like exercise and more fruits and vegetables. It's also about SUBTRACTING elements that are NOT compatible with your goal. Could you really call yourself "healthy" if you exercised faithfully but continued to smoke or eat at fast food restaurants?
Your marriage is like physical fitness. If you want to be successful, you have to STOP certain activities that are unhealthy for your relationship.
Renewing your marriage is like training for a gold medal; it takes 2 kinds of commitment. It takes commitment to do some things AND a commitment to AVOID doing other things.
"Avoid doing what?" you might ask. There’s much to this, but for now your task is to pick one thing OF YOUR CHOICE. What one thing, if you refrained from doing it, would improve your marriage? What one thing are YOU doing that’s unhealthy for your relationship? Pick one thing and begin refraining from it today.
Not sure what to pick? Ask yourself the following questions.
Is your spouse troubled by an emotional connection you have with someone else? Is your spouse uncomfortable with physical contact you have with your opposite-sex friends? Does your
spouse feel that you give more attention to the TV than you do them?
Is your intimacy with someone else interfering with the potential intimacy you could have with your spouse? (physically or emotionally)
Is your spouse uncomfortable with the intensity of your relationship with your mother, father, brother, sister, or aunt? Do you spend too much time and energy on work, a hobby, or with a particular person?
If you answered "no" to the questions in the above paragraphs, think deeper. Are you sure the answers are "no"? Do yourself a favor; ASK YOUR SPOUSE those same questions! I bet you'll be surprised by the answers. If you couldn't think of anything to refrain from doing that would improve your marriage, I bet your spouse can suggest something. Ask your spouse!
In the public seminars I do with couples, I ask people to raise their hand if they know of something they could REFRAIN from doing that would improve their marriage. Usually, very few hands go up. I then ask people to raise their hand if they know of something THEIR SPOUSE does that if they refrained from doing would make a big difference in their marriage. Usually, almost every hand goes up.
If you and your spouse were in private sessions with me, what would I discover that YOU are doing that's inhibiting the success of your marriage?
Tami (name changed) came to me for private sessions because she was uncomfortable with the relationship that her husband, Andy (name changed), had with one of his work colleagues. She was convinced that it wasn't sexual, but the way they giggled together and sometimes touched felt invasive to her.
I asked Tami if she ever discussed this with Andy. She said, "No, because I know what he'll say."
"What will he say?" I asked.
"He'll say that I'm crazy and that there's nothing going on between them," Tami responded. "But what IS going on between them is SOMETHING even though it's not sexual."
I asked Tami to have the discussion with him anyway. And Tami was right. It went EXACTLY as she predicted.
So I asked to have an appointment with Andy. He agreed.
I talked privately with Andy about his relationship with this woman. Tami was right. It was not sexual. They were just friends.
I asked Andy what he enjoyed most about his relationship with his work colleague. Predictably, he said, "We have fun. When we're together, we laugh."
"Do you like to laugh?" I asked.
"Yes, I need the release occasionally. Things at home and work are so serious." Andy replied.
"Do you ever play and giggle with Tami," I asked.
"No, we're not like that together," Andy said.
"But it sounds like you need that in your life," I said.
"I do. But I don't get it at home," Andy said.
"Andy, you don't get it at home because you don't need it by the time you get home. Your friend at work is fulfilling you in this regard. And your wife feels violated. You're being emotionally unfaithful!" I explained.
"How would you like to connect and giggle with Tami like you connect and giggle with your X?" I asked.
"I would love it," Andy said. "But it doesn't happen with Tami."
"It doesn't happen with Tami because you don't need it to happen with her. Create the need and YOU will make it happen," I suggested.
In this case, I convinced Andy to tone down his relationship at work and create the need for laughter in his life to be fulfilled MOSTLY by his wife. It worked and this one adjustment transformed their marriage.
By the way, I heard from Andy that the other woman’s marriage was also transformed. She also was getting a need fulfilled from Andy that was robbing her and her husband of an opportunity to connect.
Refraining from any of the following might improve your marriage:
- a friendship that your spouse feels is emotionally unfaithful
- flirting
- TV watching
- computer game playing
- a hobby or interest
- excessive work hours
- excessively friendly touching, hugging, or kissing of friends
If you still haven't selected something you can refrain from doing that will improve your marriage, go over the above list with your spouse.
This can be challenging. As difficult as it is to begin a new discipline, it's usually more difficult to break old habits. REFRAINING asks you to break an old habit. Not an easy matter. And that's why this topic gets a lot of attention in the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp (see below for schedule of next program) where I help you identify the actions harming your marriage and I give you the support you need to refrain from them or at least curtail them. And you’ll also learn how to get your spouse to refrain from the things they’re doing that’s hurting your marriage, whether they’re currently cooperative or not.
Redden was able to REFRAIN when she contemplated her future. The decision to give up her career was difficult, she admitted, but said, "I imagined myself older and talking to my grandchildren. Which would I regret more: giving up my job or giving up a chance at a gold medal?"
What about you? Which would you regret more: refraining from behaviors that interfere with your ability to connect to your spouse or giving up the chance to have a lasting healthy marriage?
After achieving her Olympic dream and taking eighth place in the 2000 Sydney Olympics, Redden says she's never regretted her decision, even with the sacrifice involved. Neither will you.
How can I Improve my Marriage?
Save Your Marriage
You might be surprised to learn that some of the best tips for improving your marriage are based on the simplest ideas. Start by showing your husband or wife courtesy. This may seem like a given, but couples easily fall out of the habit of showing one another the same common courtesy they show the bank teller or the cashier at the grocery store. Courtesy makes your spouse feel worthy of your respect.
No matter how long you have been married, saying please and thank you will never go out of style, and neither will greeting your partner pleasantly and acknowledging his or her presence. You greet the mail carrier and you speak to the salesperson that comes to your door, but do you greet your spouse as warmly when he or she comes in? You probably did when your marriage was new, so what happened? Always remember that making someone feel special, cared for and worthy, inspires that person to treat you the same way.
If you want to develop a more intimate marriage, try to encourage more intimate communication. While this area is usually addressed by directing you to be more open and honest with your feelings, which is of course important, it also includes becoming a more intimate listener. Do you really take the time to listen to what your spouse is saying, or are you too busy thinking about other things, or planning what to say next?
Another important element in a good marriage is the ability to have fun together. Take some one-on-one time and do something you have not done in years. Go dancing, go for a walk, or go to the park and play tennis. You might even decide to try an entirely new activity; it doesn't really matter what you choose to do as long as you enjoy doing it together. Incorporating fun into your marriage is guaranteed to lessen tension.
It is also important to occasionally get away together from the daily grind, and this doesn't just mean getting away from your work; it also means taking a break from the responsibilities of home and marriage. Take the time to enjoy your spouse, your love, as you did early in your marriage. Even if it is just for the weekend, or if it means running off to a local hotel overnight and dining in a great restaurant, plan that special rendezvous.
Finally, put your spouse's needs ahead of your own, at least on occasion. Making your spouse feel like the most important person in the world--as well as in your marriage--will cause him or her to want to reciprocate. Wouldn't it be nice if someone made you feel that special? Your husband or wife thinks so too.
New: Post your questions or comments about this article!
What You Can Do to Improve Your Marriage
Dr. Bill Gaultiere
Executive Director of New Hope
Many people I talk to don't know what a healthy marriage looks like. What they've seen in their parents' marriage or what they experienced in their own is disappointing and painful. To them marriage leads to divorce, abuse, betrayal, continual conflict, or emotional distance.
If this includes you then it may be hard for you to believe that it is possible for you to have a good and growing marriage. But some people do. Husbands and wives can be faithful friends who care for and encourage one another as they share their hopes and fears, their joys and sorrows. This is God's design. And it makes a strong foundation from which to raise healthy children and to reach out and serve God effectively. I know this is possible because I've experienced it in my own marriage since 1986 and I know others who have too.
Of course, even if your spouse is not a supportive friend you can find satisfaction and opportunity for growth in your marriage. And if you're marriage is disappointing to you there are things you can do to improve it.
Focus on Yourself Not Your Spouse
What can you do for your marriage? How can you increase your marital satisfaction and improve your relationship? The crucial thing is that you have to let go of expecting your spouse to change and work on yourself. Developing a better marriage begins with becoming a better spouse yourself!
I don't think anything hurts a marriage more than expecting your spouse to make things better. I often tell people who think this way that even if their husband or wife changes they won't feel much better about their relationship until they make some needed changes themselves. "But if he would justÖ then I'd feel so much more loved," wives often reply. Similarly, husbands say to me, "If she wouldÖ then I'd be happy."
This kind of thinking just doesn't work. Here's why. You can't change someone else. You can only change yourself. And trying to change your spouse will create tension in your relationship and actually discourage him or her from changing!
Think about it. You don't like to be pressured, fixed, demanded upon, controlled, or manipulated either. You don't want to be responsible for someone else's happiness. That's probably how your spouse feels if you're expecting him or her to make the marriage better for you. If your spouse has taken on the responsibility for your happiness in the marriage then he or she is likely to feel angry, anxious, or depressed and to either back away from you or to fight you on it.
Change Demands into Wants
The bottom line is that each of us are responsible for our own well-being and behavior. Of course, sacrifice and thoughtful caring for your spouse are important for your marriage. But boundaries of personal responsibility need to be maintained and expectations/demands for your spouse need to be changed into desires/requests.
If there's something important that you want your spouse to do for you then ask. But make sure that you ask without pressure, realizing that your spouse has the right to say no, even if it's disappointing to you. Instead of saying, "You shouldÖ" say "I wantÖ Can you support me with that?" And instead of saying, "Why didn't you...?" say, "Next time it would help me if you could try toÖ"
The other issue that we need to acknowledge is that it's difficult to make real and lasting changes in how we relate with others. To do it you've got to be motivated. And if you're the one who wants a better relationship then you're the one who is motivated! So don't expect your spouse to do what he or she isn't motivated to do. Instead, focus your energies on what you are responsible for and what you can control ñ your behavior!
Then as you grow and make changes talk to your spouse about what you're learning. And set an example for him or her to follow.
You Can't Lose!
This way you can't lose. Hopefully, your husband or wife will respond well to the changes you make by making some changes of his or her own. In this case you're marriage will certainly improve. But even if you're spouse doesn't join you and follow your example you'll still be better off. Any positive changes that you make and any new skills that you develop will work to increase your happiness and effectiveness not only in your marriage, but in your other relationships and activities as well.
So with this in mind, let's work on your growth. All of us have issues that we can improve on in order to be a better husband or wife. Here's a list of what I think are some of the most important characteristics of a healthy spouse. I've limited this list to things that you can do to improve your marriage regardless of whether or not your spouse participates in working on your marriage.
As you read these traits I invite you to take inventory of yourself. Resist the temptation to evaluate your spouse. Instead check the areas that you need to work on. Then pick two or three to focus on and work at putting them into practice - one at a time.
Characteristics of a Good Spouse
Get help. Talk with others you trust and respect in confidence about your marriage and your role in it. Seek compassionate support and solicit honest feedback on what you need to work on.
Take initiative to spend time with your spouse. Don't wait for your spouse to make a date with you or to set time to talk with you. Suggest it yourself. If your husband or wife feels pressured by this then you'll need to back off some and chose your opportunities carefully.
Say, "I'm sorry." Admit to your weaknesses and wrongdoings, especially when they're hurtful to your spouse. And then show concern for your spouse's feelings and try not to do it again.
Forgive. When you've been hurt by your spouse extend forgiveness. Don't hold onto resentments, they'll eat away at your insides and your marriage too.
Be an active listener. Ask your spouse how he/she feels and then listen. Listen without giving advice or reacting emotionally. Try to understand life from his/her perspective. Then demonstrate your understanding by summarizing what you're hearing.
Invite your spouse to understand you. Time and again I see people misuse their opportunity to be understood and supported by their spouse because they're blaming or talking about their partner's behavior instead of their own experience. When it's your chance to share, verbalize your feelings (experiences and needs). Don't argue about what really happened. Don't analyze your spouse's behavior, feelings, or motives. Talk about your feelings, making "I statements" and not "You statements."
Respect your spouse's boundaries. If he/she says, "I can't talk now." or "It hurts me when you criticize me. Please don't." then you need to respect that. Don't try to control your partner's behavior. You're responsible for your behavior and that's enough for you to manage!
Set your boundaries. Acknowledge your limitations on your time and energy and abilities. Give what you can to your spouse, but take care of yourself too. And, by all means, don't tolerate being repeatedly abused, raged at, betrayed, mistreated, or manipulated. You should be treated with respect. If you're not then set boundaries to protect yourself and to get your needs met.
Work to improve your own weaknesses. People with strong character that I know are aware of their faults and work to improve themselves. They learn from the feedback about themselves that they receive from others and are invested in their own growth. Perhaps more than any other relationship, marriage makes us aware of our personal issues that we need to work on. Accept this as an opportunity for personal growth.
Be considerate of your spouse's weaknesses. In troubled marriages the partners criticize each other's faults, continually expecting each other to be different than they are. By contrast, in growing marriages partners compensate for one another's weakness by anticipating them and working around them. Give your spouse grace!
Affirm your spouse's strengths. Verbalize admiration and appreciation for the good qualities and contributions he or she makes. This is just as important for little things like, "Thanks for taking out the trash" as it is for big things like, "I admire you as a parent. You really put yourself into caring for our kids." Appreciation is especially valuable if it relates directly to your marriage. For instance, a wife said to her husband, "It meant a lot to me when you took time to listen to me last night before we went to bed. Thanks."
Talk positively about your spouse to others. Frequently, when I talk with people who are having problems in their marriage I find out that they routinely talk badly about their husband or wife to their family and friends, sometimes even in front of him or her. People I know who have good marriages never do this! If they have a problem with their spouse then they talk to him or her about it or they talk to a trusted confidante. And when they talk about their marriage problems they do so without blaming their spouse. They take responsibility for their part in a problem and own up to their reactions as being under their control.
Respond to your spouse's needs. What's important to your spouse is probably different than what's important to you. People feel loved in different ways. Sharing feelings, being appreciated, special time together, affection, sex, thoughtful gifts, and shared activities are a few examples. Know your spouse's love language and be sure to use it often.
Express interest in what's important to your spouse. Talk to your spouse about the things that interest him or her. Questions like "How did you enjoy lunch with your friend today?" or "How's your project going?" show that you care.
Be kind. This tip may be last in the list, but it's certainly not the least important. Kindness goes along ways to create warmth and positive feelings in a relationship. Every day there are opportunities for simple, kind gestures that show you care. A compliment, a hug, a note, or a favor takes only a moment, and yet they can brighten your spouse's day and your marriage.
Improve Your Marriage with 16 Words
Phrases you need to add to your relationship vocabulary
by Rachel Gurevic
middle-aged couple sat in a marriage counselor's office. "I don't understand why we waste our time here; our marriage is already over," the woman cried, her husband shifting uneasily in his chair. "My husband, he doesn't love me."
"What are you talking about," the husband said, turning to the counselor, "I don't know why she says things--"
"Because you do not!" she interrupted. "After 15 years, you just do not love me any more." The bickering continued, with the wife claiming her husband no longer loved her and the man continuing to defend himself.
"Do you tell your wife that you love her?" the counselor asked the husband.
"She knows that I love her! I come home every night, don't I?" he answered, "I give her money to buy anything she wants. I agreed to come here to talk, and ah...I, ah..."
"Yes," the counselor interjected, "But do you tell your wife 'I love you'?" The couple looked at each other, the woman shaking her head.
"Well," the husband said, "Why do I have to? Isn't it obvious?"
Obviously, it's not
People need to hear the actual words. In the beginning of our relationships, we send cards describing our love and send flowers when we are sorry. Over time, not only do we forget to give our partners small gifts of affection, but sometimes, we forget to say how we feel. There are sixteen essential words that we must make an effort to say to our loved ones every day or whenever appropriate.
I love you.
Say the words before leaving for work and when you come home. Say "I love you" before hanging up the phone or after a particularly inspiring conversation. Say them just because. Every marriage needs a daily dose of these three important words. And do not worry; saying, "I love you" often is never a bad habit to have. Even if we are upset with our spouse that day, saying "I love you" may help us forgive them.
I am sorry.
"You forgot to buy milk," your spouse complains the second you walk in the door. Say I'm sorry. "You didn't clean my shirt. I have nothing to wear," your partner comments. Say I'm sorry, and try to mean it. We do not help anyone by defending ourselves, only our ego's benefit. And avoid the word "but"! This can kill our apology. To our lover's ears, "I'm sorry but..." translates to "I'm not really sorry, and I am just saying I'm sorry to allow myself to give an excuse."
There are times that our partner's comments are untimely, or perhaps, we feel every other word is a critical remark. In these cases, we should set aside a better time to discuss the problems rationally. Right after our spouse presents his or her problem is not a good time, and we may start an argument unintentionally.
I understand.
How many times has this happened to us: You are sitting at dinner, and in casual conversation, you complain, "Last night, I just did not get enough sleep, I'm so tired lately." And your spouse responds, with good intentions, "I am also tired." Or "Well, that is because you stayed up so late playing on the computer again." How does this make you feel? Not very good!
When our lover comes to us for sympathy, a simple "I understand" can really help. Claiming that we also have the same problem translates as "So what? I feel the same way and I am not complaining!" And advice should only be given when asked.
You are beautiful.
Or cute, handsome, sexy--whichever words are appropriate. When we first start dating, we hand out compliments daily. After awhile, sometimes, we forget. Maybe we assume that our spouse already knows how we feel, or maybe we do not think they need us to tell them. Tell them. Women in particular need to be reminded, especially during pregnancy, after giving birth and on birthdays! Men also need to be told they are attractive, though they may not admit it! A compliment a day improves our intimate lives in ways we can not even imagine. If your spouse is not feeling sexy, why should they want to make love to you?
I need you.
Dr. Evil said it best, "Mini-Me, you complete me." We need to let our spouse know that we not only appreciate them, but we need them. Tell them that we can not imagine our lives with out them. We might remember to mention this on anniversaries or birthdays, but why not let our spouse know every single week? Certainly, we feel that we need our spouse more than once a year! If this is too difficult to say out loud, then send them an email. Write them a note and slip it into their briefcase, lunch box or purse. Just like women need to hear they are still attractive, men particularly need to know their wives depend on them.
Thank you.
Why is it that strangers, the cashier at the supermarket and co-workers receive our thanks every single day, but our spouse rarely hears the words! Thank your spouse for making dinner, washing dishes, and keeping the house clean. Thank your partner for bringing home a paycheck, buying our favorite desert and coming home. Again, if we feel weird saying "Thank you for bringing home a paycheck," or whatever the case may be, write it down! Be romantic and send your spouse an e-card or put a sticky note on the bathroom mirror.
We must add these sixteen very special words to our lives. We may be amazed at how much peace will result from such simple additions to our vocabulary!
IMPROVE YOUR MARRIAGE
IMPROVE YOUR MARRIAGE
By Trevor Barre - Life Coach
A few years back my wife and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary, and used the opportunity to look back over our lives. We spent the day in and around the beautiful Barossa Valley, north of Adelaide, leaving our ‘near-adult’ children (now there’s a paradox!) at home, and mobile phones in the car.
Most of the day was spent sitting on the grassy bank of the river, relaxing and taking time out together. Following a nice picnic lunch prepared by Chris, I walked to the car and returned with a small surprise - a box of her favourite chocolates and a bottle of non-alcoholic wine, which she had favourably commented on recently at a friend's wedding.
As we nibbled on the chocolates and sipped the wine, we quite naturally relaxed into each other's arms and spoke of past memories shared together. I made a special point of presenting her with a specially written anniversary card and thanked her for the wonderful years we had enjoyed together.
In simple terms, I paid her a compliment. In fact, I complimented her many times over throughout the afternoon -with the words I spoke, the acts of courtesy, the gifts of card, chocolates and wine, and the respect shown her on the day.
In retrospect, I think what has become important in our relationship is the willingness to put the other person first in our relationship. Now I know that is an easy thing to say, but in reality can be very hard to achieve. You see, we all want what is best for us, and so approach life from a selfish point of view.
We all suffer from a selfish ‘meet my needs first’ syndrome in fact. In itself, this is not a bad thing, as it ensures that we look after our own interests, when perhaps others don’t. But in a marriage, or life-long partnership, a different approach is needed.
Imagine the situation when your spouse has been working all day, whether at home or in a workplace environment. You meet them after a long, hard day yourself and expect them to automatically pamper you, pay attention to you, and meet your needs first. It doesn’t happen, sorry!
What happens in this situation is the beginning of the clash of wills that can only end in one or both being disappointed.
Imagine instead if upon hearing of a difficult or terrible day that your partner has had, decided to turn the day around for them. You tell them to take off their shoes and relax, while you make a cup of tea (sorry, this is my British heritage speaking here!). You then take the tea into the room where your partner is relaxing for the first time today, and say, “So, tell me what happened,” while gently massaging his or her neck and shoulders.
At this point in time you probably don’t have to say much for the next 30 minutes, as they pour out their frustration, bitterness, disappointment, and the like.
They don’t want answers – they just want you (their most favourite person in the world) to be there for them. They need you to listen attentively, to make an occasional “Uh huh” noise, and let them get off their chest what has been building up. Once the outpouring has stopped, the tea has been drunk, and the savage animal quietened, that person would think the world of you.
But did you actually do anything? Well, yes you did. You put the other person first, pampered them a little, met their needs, and built your relationship. Congratulations.
If you would honesty like to improve your marriage or relationship, ask yourself the following, and answer with a‘yes’ or ‘no’ to each question:
· Do I often make him or her a cup of tea or coffee in bed -
· Do I do often what they like to do -
· Do I often go where they like to go –
· Do I ask how I can help -
· Do I take it in turns to make the dinner -
· Do I give them permission to have time alone, or with friends -
· Do I ever take the kids to school and sporting events -
· Do I ever wash the car -
· Do I give free (non-sexual) massages when I see they need it –
· Do I really listen, without doing all the talking -
If you didn’t write ‘yes’ to at least 6 out of 10 questions, might I suggest you need to begin talking more to your partner in an effort to improve your communication - and your relationship, and along the journey learn to truly pamper your partner.
Twelve Ways to Improve Your Marriage
From Sheri & Bob Stritof,
Your Guide to Marriage.
Be honest.
Support one another's goals and achievements.
Respect each other.
Take time to share dreams and goals on a regular basis with your spouse.
Consider daily dialogue as a means of improving your communication.
Laugh together at least once a day.
Fight fair.
Be willing to forgive.
Remember kindness towards each other is a great gift.
Share your daily expectations.
Make decisions about finances, disciplining the children, chores, vacations, etc., together.
Take time to be alone together working on your intimacy. Schedule dates or romantic getaways.
Twelve Ways to Improve Your Marriage
From Sheri & Bob Stritof,
Your Guide to Marriage.
FREE Newsletter. Sign Up Now!
# Be honest.
# Support one another's goals and achievements.
# Respect each other.
# Take time to share dreams and goals on a regular basis with your spouse.
# Consider daily dialogue as a means of improving your communication.
# Laugh together at least once a day.
# Fight fair.
# Be willing to forgive.
# Remember kindness towards each other is a great gift.
# Share your daily expectations.
# Make decisions about finances, disciplining the children, chores, vacations, etc., together.
# Take time to be alone together working on your intimacy. Schedule dates or romantic getaways.
It is possible to have a high profile career, success, financial security, be a recognized community leader, own a beautiful home, raise children to be proud of and have a happy marriage.
However, if the two of you are involved in fulfilling careers and active in your community and have children, you may find that your marriage will suffer from a lack of making your marriage a priority in your lives.
Here's help in being a super couple and having a successful marriage at the same time.
Difficulty: Hard
Time Required: Lots
Here's How:
1. Put your relationship with your spouse first. If you don't do this, through time and neglect, your marriage will weaken and eventually fall apart.
2. Don't take your marriage for granted.
3. Support one another. This includes listening to work concerns.
4. Find quality childcare.
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5. Set priorities.
6. Make healthy choices.
7. Brainstorm solutions. If a clean house is a priority, then perhaps hiring someone to help keep the house presentable should be in your budget.
8. Be flexible. Develop the skill to juggle time schedules and activities.
9. Believe in yourselves and in your marriage.
10. Get organized.
11. Learn how to delegate.
12. Strive for balance in your lives.
13. Learn toleration.
14. Make time for fun with one another.
Tips:
1. Make time for each other every day, even if it is only 15 minutes. Go out on a date with one another at least once a month. This is the get dressed up for one another type of evening.
2. Accept that life will be chaotic at times. Accept that some things won't get done. Accept that now and then one of you may have to say "no" to doing something or being somewhere.
3. Make sure that you are both sharing equally in doing household duties and that includes running errands and driving the kids to their activities. Children of super couples have responsibilities and chores, too.
What You Need:
* Family calendar
* Toleration
* Sense of Humor
* Flexibility
* Communication skills
II. TEN PRINCIPLES OF MARRIAGE AND FAMILY IN SOCIETY
1. Marriage is a personal union, intended for the whole of life, of husband and wife.
Marriage differs from other valued personal relationships in conveying a full union of husband and wife- including a sexual, emotional, financial, legal, spiritual, and parental union. Marriage is not the ratification of an existing relation; it is the beginning of a new relationship between a man and woman, who pledge their sexual fidelity to one another, promise loving mutual care and support, and form a family that welcomes and nurtures the children that may spring from their union. This understanding of marriage has predominated in Europe and America for most of the past two thousand years. It springs from the biological, psychological, and social complementarity of the male and female sexes: Women typically bring to marriage important gifts and perspectives that men typically do not bring, just as men bring their own special gifts and perspectives that women typically cannot provide in the same way. This covenant of mutual dependence and obligation, solemnized by a legal oath, is strengthened by the pledge of permanence that husband and wife offer to one another-always to remain, never to flee, even and especially in the most difficult times.
2. Marriage is a profound human good, elevating and perfecting our social and sexual nature.
Human beings are social animals, and the social institution of marriage is a profound human good. It is a matrix of human relationships rooted in the spouses' sexual complementarity and procreative possibilities and in children's need for sustained parental nurturance and support. It creates clear ties of begetting and belonging, ties of identity, kinship, and mutual interdependence and responsibility. These bonds of fidelity serve a crucial public purpose, and so it is necessary and proper for the state to recognize and encourage marriage in both law and public policy. Indeed, it is not surprising that marriage is publicly sanctioned and promoted in virtually every known society and often solemnized by religious and cultural rituals. Modern biological and social science only confirm the benefits of marriage as a human good consistent with our given nature as sexual and social beings.
3. Ordinarily, both men and women who marry are better off as a result.
Married men gain moral and personal discipline, a stable domestic life, and the opportunity to participate in the upbringing of their children. Married women gain stability and protection, acknowledgment of the paternity of their children, and shared responsibility and emotional support in the raising of their young. Together, both spouses gain from a normative commitment to the institution of marriage itself-including the benefits that come from faithfully fulfilling one's chosen duties as mother or father, husband or wife. Couples who share a moral commitment to marital permanency and fidelity tend to have better marriages. The marital ethic enjoining permanence, mutual fidelity, and care, as well as forbidding violence or sexual abuse, arises out of the core imperative of our marriage tradition: that men and women who marry pledge to love one another, "in sickness and in health" and "for better or for worse," ordinarily "until death do us part."
4. Marriage protects and promotes the well-being of children.
The family environment provided by marriage allows children to grow, mature, and flourish. It is a seedbed of sociability and virtue for the young, who learn from both their parents and their siblings. Specifically, the married family satisfies children's need to know their biological origins, connects them to both a mother and father, establishes a framework of love for nurturing the young, oversees their education and personal development, and anchors their identity as they learn to move about the larger world. These are not merely desirable goods, but what we owe to children as vulnerable beings filled with potential. Whenever humanly possible, children have a natural human right to know their mother and father, and mothers and fathers have a solemn obligation to love their children unconditionally.
5. Marriage sustains civil society and promotes the common good.
Civil society also benefits from a stable marital order. Families are themselves small societies, and the web of trust they establish across generations and between the spouses' original families are a key constituent of society as a whole. The network of relatives and in-laws that marriage creates and sustains is a key ingredient of the "social capital" that facilitates many kinds of beneficial civic associations and private groups. The virtues acquired within the family-generosity, self-sacrifice, trust, self-discipline-are crucial in every domain of social life. Children who grow up in broken families often fail to acquire these elemental habits of character. When marital breakdown or the failure to form marriages becomes widespread, society is harmed by a host of social pathologies, including increased poverty, mental illness, crime, illegal drug use, clinical depression, and suicide.
6. Marriage is a wealth-creating institution, increasing human and social capital.
The modern economy and modern democratic state depend on families to produce the next generation of productive workers and taxpayers. This ongoing renewal of human capital is a crucial ingredient in the national economy, one that is now in grave peril in those societies with rapidly aging populations and below-replacement fertility rates. It is within families that young people develop stable patterns of work and self-reliance at the direction of their parents, and this training in turn provides the basis for developing useful skills and gaining a profession. More deeply, marriage realigns personal interests beyond the good of the present self, and thus reduces the tendency of individuals and groups to make rash or imprudent decisions that squander the inheritance of future generations. Families also provide networks of trust and capital that serve as the foundation for countless entrepreneurial small-business enterprises (as well as some large corporations), which are crucial to the vitality of the nation's economy. In addition, devoted spouses and grown children assist in caring for the sick and elderly, and maintain the solvency of pension and social-insurance programs by providing unremunerated care for their loved ones, paying taxes, and producing the children who will form future generations of tax-paying workers. Without flourishing families, in other words, the long-term health of the modern economy would be imperiled.
7. When marriage weakens, the equality gap widens, as children suffer from the disadvantages of growing up in homes without committed mothers and fathers.
Children whose parents fail to get and stay married are at increased risk of poverty, dependency, substance abuse, educational failure, juvenile delinquency, early unwed pregnancy, and a host of other destructive behaviors. When whole families and neighborhoods become dominated by fatherless homes, these risks increase even further. The breakdown of marriage has hit the African-American community especially hard, and thus threatens the cherished American ideal of equality of opportunity by depriving adults and especially children of the social capital they need to flourish. Precisely because we seek to eliminate social disadvantages based on race and class, we view the cultural, economic, and other barriers to strengthening marriage in poor neighborhoods - especially among those racial minorities with disproportionately high rates of family breakdown - as a serious problem to be solved with persistence, generosity, and ingenuity.
8. A functioning marriage culture serves to protect political liberty and foster limited government.
Strong, intact families stabilize the state and decrease the need for costly and intrusive bureaucratic social agencies. Families provide for their vulnerable members, produce new citizens with virtues such as loyalty and generosity, and engender concern for the common good. When families break down, crime and social disorder soar; the state must expand to reassert social control with intrusive policing, a sprawling prison system, coercive child-support enforcement, and court-directed family life.3 Without stable families, personal liberty is thus imperiled, as the state tries to fulfill through coercion those functions that families, at their best, fulfill through covenantal devotion.
9. The laws that govern marriage matter significantly.
Law and culture exhibit a dynamic relationship: changes in one ultimately yield changes in the other, and together law and culture structure the choices that individuals see as available, acceptable, and choiceworthy. Given the clear benefits of marriage, we believe that the state should not remain politically neutral, either in procedure or outcome, between marriage and various alternative family structures. Some have sought to redefine civil marriage as a private contract between two individuals regardless of sex, others as a binding union of any number of individuals, and still others as any kind of contractual arrangement for any length of time that is agreeable to any number of consenting adult parties. But in doing so a state would necessarily undermine the social norm which encourages marriage as historically understood - i.e., the sexually faithful union, intended for life, between one man and one woman, open to the begetting and rearing of children. The public goods uniquely provided by marriage are recognizable by reasonable persons, regardless of religious or secular worldview, and thus provide compelling reasons for reinforcing the existing marriage norm in law and public policy.
10. "Civil marriage" and "religious marriage" cannot be rigidly or completely divorced from one another.
Americans have always recognized the right of any person, religious or non-religious, to marry. While the ceremonial form of religious and secular marriages often differs, the meaning of such marriages within the social order has always been similar, which is why the state honors those marriages duly performed by religious authorities. Moreover, current social science evidence on religion and marital success affirms the wisdom of the American tradition, which has always recognized and acknowledged the positive role that religion plays in creating and sustaining marriage as a social institution.4 The majority of Americans marry in religious institutions, and for many of these people a religious dimension suffuses the whole of family life and solemnizes the marriage vow. It is thus important to recognize the crucial role played by religious institutions in lending critical support for a sustainable marriage culture, on which the whole society depends. And it is important to preserve some shared idea of what marriage is that transcends the differences between religious and secular marriages and between marriages within our nation's many diverse religious traditions.
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This site is for information and support; not a substitute for professional advice.
Psychotherapy and Relationship / Marriage Counseling
Psychotherapy, Relationship Help & Marriage Counseling
Psychotherapy is broadly defined as the treatment of mental and emotional disorders or problems. Psychotherapy involves a process, a relationship between a patient/client and a therapist.
In This Article:
* What is psychotherapy?
* Insurance coverage
* Psychotherapy vs. counseling
* Which therapy is best?
* Types of therapy
* Couple, family and group therapy
* Mental health professionals
* Telephone and online therapy
* References and resources
We have probably all seen TV shows or movies in which a psychotherapist, psychiatrist, or marriage counselor is portrayed as a comedic character, or one who behaves in very unethical or inappropriate ways. There are also a few films or TV shows in which therapists are shown at their best. Over time, most people have come to realize that someone does not have to be "crazy" in order to go see a therapist. But understanding the different types of therapy and deciding which therapist to contact can still be confusing to many people.
Helpguide's series, Relationship Help: Communication Skills to Find and Keep a Healthy Exciting Love Relationship, is for women and men of all ages.
What is psychotherapy?
Psychotherapy is broadly defined as the treatment of mental and emotional disorders or problems. Psychotherapy involves a process, a relationship between a patient/client and a therapist. The therapist is usually someone trained to:
* Listen deeply
* Reflect empathically
* Offer insight
* Provide feedback
* Help the person explore alternatives
* Serve as a guide or companion on the journey of exploration into the depths of emotions and experiences.
Therapy sessions are usually 45-50 minutes in length, one or more times per week. The number of sessions depends on the types of difficulties experienced by the client – symptomatic relief can often be achieved in a few sessions, longer and more lasting changes in negative behavior patterns might take a year or longer, and depth life issues might require several years to overcome.
Many different goals have been identified by psychotherapists, such as:
* Developing insight into problems
* Learning to communicate more effectively
* Learning to resolve both internal and interpersonal conflicts
* Managing, reducing or relieving symptoms of emotional distress
* Changing behaviors to improve social, relational or vocational functioning
* Personal growth and development
* Reconstructing a life damaged by faulty early life experiences
Many different kinds of personal and interpersonal difficulties can be relieved through psychotherapy. The pages throughout Helpguide's Mental and Emotional Health section describe many of these disorders and offer specific suggestions for identifying and treating them. For example, see Helpguide's Relationship Help: Exploring the Deeper Issues Behind Success or Failure in Love Relationships to learn how the lessons of infant bonding can be applied to helping adult love relationships.
A few general guidelines for those new to treatment with a psychotherapist:
* Some psychological symptoms may be rooted in a physical problem, such as a tumor or problem with circulation. Before or early in therapy, also see a medical doctor to rule out any organic source for the problem being experienced.
* Therapy often has an early "honeymoon" effect of symptom relief. While this seems positive, do not stop treatment before addressing the sources of the problems, or they may soon return or be replaced by other difficulties.
* Like house remodeling, taking apart things that haven't worked well in one's life often makes them seem worse before they get better. When therapy seems difficult or painful, don't give up – discuss your feelings and reactions honestly with your therapist and you will move forward rather than retreat back to your old, less effective ways.
Which type of therapy is the best?
There is no one type of therapy that is the best, any more than there is one best style of car or one best kind of food. It depends on each person's individual needs and wishes. Some specific techniques have been found to be more useful than others in dealing with certain types of problems (such as phobias), but in general, research about the "best" model of therapy always reaches the same conclusion: the most critical factor is the relationship between the therapist and the client/patient. If you feel comfortable and trusting in that relationship, the model of therapy, like your car, is just the vehicle that will help you move ahead to lead a more fulfilling life, regardless of the circumstances that bring you to seek assistance.
Types of therapy
There are many types of therapy. Generally, they all seek to help people improve their lives. How they go about that depends on their different philosophies, or "theoretical orientation". Each type of orientation involves different ideas about what causes the pain in our lives, and what will help us heal and move forward in happier and more productive ways. Some examples of the focus of different orientations would be:
* Focus more on the past – family of origin, earlier life difficulties, how the present is rooted in past experience
* Focus more on the present – regardless of the past, what is happening in the here and now, what choices are being made, whether the results are satisfactory
* Focus on thoughts and behaviors – the ways we understand or interpret things that are happening in our lives, and what actions we take
* Focus on emotions – how we feel about the things that are happening in our lives
* Focus on the body itself – how the things happening in our lives show up as stress in physical armature and physical reactions.
Some of the more well-known psychotherapy approaches are summarized here.
Psychodynamic psychotherapy
Psychodynamic psychotherapy is used to help clients understand themselves more fully. The theory behind this approach is that our past – adverse childhood experiences or other unconscious conflicts – is the basis for problems that persist into adulthood, such as unusually low self-esteem, anxiety, or a feeling of being incomplete. Psychodynamic therapy presumes that some facets of our lives are hidden from us, in the subconscious mind, and that we use defenses to help keep us from experiencing the pain that would come from acknowledging elements from our past. Psychodynamic therapy can help to recognize and look behind these protective defense mechanisms, to bring the unconscious into conscious awareness, and to uncover and deal more effectively with neurotic conflicts.
The classic form of "talking therapy" is psychoanalysis, which has evolved into several modern branches, including self-psychology, object relations psychotherapy, intersubjectivity, and psychodynamic psychotherapy. In general, they all involve such typical constructs as:
* An orientation toward the past – childhood experiences, sexual feelings, fears, jealousies, relationships with parents, etc. – as the source of problems in the present
* Traditionally, a couch for the patient to lie on, with the therapist outside of the line of sight (however, most modern therapists now use chairs and sit face to face)
* The therapist (or analyst) as a blank screen – no personal photos or objects – to allow the patient to project any thoughts or conceptions onto the therapist (this is known as "transference")
* "Free association"– letting the mind wander aloud and seeing what connections arise
* Little interaction between the analyst and patient, until the analyst offers interpretations of what the patient is experiencing, and the reasons behind certain ideas or actions (although again, modern therapists often engage in greater interaction)
* Creating a safe space (or "holding environment") that allows the client to explore depth issues with as little fear as possible
* Long-term treatment, sometimes several times per week (although modern accommodations are often more brief)
Interpersonal psychotherapy
Interpersonal psychotherapy (IPT) is an approach based on the view that our current problems are maladaptive behaviors rooted in our previous interpersonal relationships. Personality is not a focus of this type of therapy, as it usually is with psychodynamic psychotherapy. Interpersonal psychotherapy generally targets these areas:
* Interpersonal disputes or difficulties (marital, family, work, or social)
* Role transitions (adapting to changes in social or occupational roles or other life circumstances)
* Grief and loss issues
* Interpersonal deficits
IPT is a short-term, highly structured approach that has been used to treat a wide range of issues, such as depression, eating disorders, and anxiety, all with an eye to the involvement of relationships in the past and present.
Interpersonal psychotherapy is also a broad term sometimes used in reference to many approaches that involve current issues related to interpersonal factors. Some of these therapeutic modalities are:
* Humanistic
* Gestalt
* Transactional Analysis (TA)
Most of these interpersonal therapies utilize such tools as:
* Active listening
* Clarification
* Communication exercises
* Role playing
* Encouragement of expression of feelings and affect
* Use of the therapeutic relationship as a model of healthy interactions
Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT)
Cognitive therapy involves identifying and changing harmful or ineffective thinking patterns. Behavioral therapy helps a client to recognize certain harmful or inappropriate behaviors that may be operating automatically, without awareness, and to substitute more helpful behaviors. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) uses a combination of both cognitive and behavioral therapy. CBT explores both thinking patterns and harmful or self-destructive behaviors that might accompany them. The therapy then combines changing the thinking patterns along with changing the behavior.
Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy is also known by the names given to it by certain well-known authors, such as Albert Ellis (Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy – REBT), or David Beck (Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy). In general, the approach taken is that events themselves do not cause our reactions. Rather, our thoughts – the meaning we give to external events – cause our feelings and behaviors. Thus, changing our thoughts will lead to changes in the way we feel or act.
CBT utilizes many "left brain" analytical, logical approaches, using such interventions as:
* Challenging negative thinking processes, for example:
- black and white thinking (the all or nothing version of reality)
- awfulizing (catastrophic thinking, where worries spin out to the worst possible outcome)
- minimizing (the tendency to act like certain important matters are not significant)
* Thought stopping (noticing when certain self-defeating thoughts are occurring and putting a mental stop sign on them)
* Automatic Thought Record (a log in which the person notes the triggers to reactions, automatic negative thoughts that arise in response to the triggers, challenges to the truth of these thoughts, and substitutions of more positive thoughts)
* Homework assignments to practice different ways of thinking and behaving
* Checklists and measurement scales (for depression, anxiety, etc.)
Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy has been researched in many different situations, and is often the treatment preferred for such conditions as:
* Phobias (excessive fear of specific objects or situations)
* Panic attacks and panic disorder
* Repetitive habits (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)
* Anxiety
* Depression
* Eating disorders
Other psychotherapeutic modalities
There are many other therapy models, each of which has a somewhat different philosophy and approach. Some have evolved from the needs of economic realities, in finding ways to assist people with lower cost and time commitments. Others appeal to the interests of those with more time, who want to explore the meaning of their lives but without the main focus on the past. Some of the current therapies are:
* Existential
* Humanistic
* Brief, Solution-Focused
* Narrative
There are also many types of therapy that are considered alternative or complementary, or are focused on the creative arts or body rather than the more traditional talk therapies. See Helpguide's Treatment Options for more information.
Couples, families, or groups in therapy
Psychotherapy was developed as the "talking cure" and was originally always conducted with the doctor or therapist and one patient or client. However, as the practice evolved, it became apparent that there were circumstances in which it makes sense to include others:
* Relationship matters – it is logical to include family members when issues concern others in the family
* Financial reasons – it is less costly to participate in a therapy group than individual treatment
* Reduced isolation – it is helpful to meet other people who share similar concerns
* Therapeutic time constraints – it is more efficient use of some therapists' time to meet with groups of people who have similar issues than meet with them individually
Any of the theoretical orientations described above might be adapted to working with couples, families or groups. Some of the other approaches to those settings are described below.
Marriage (relationship) counseling
All couples have conflicts or disagreements at times. The difference between a happily married (or otherwise committed) couple and an unhappy union most frequently involves the ability to discuss and resolve those differences in a positive manner that respects the interests and needs of each individual.
Common unhealthy, damaging relationship communications usually include such interactions as:
* Hostility, or verbal or physical attacks on the other person
* Put-downs, name-calling or other contempt for the partner
* Dragging old information or experiences into a current argument
* Defensive responses
* Withdrawal from a disagreement
* Escalating negativity in the relationship
If an unsatisfying love relationship is a part of your problem mix, see Helpguide's series, Relationship Help: Communication Skills to Find and Keep a Healthy Exciting Love Relationship.
Some therapists have specialized training in marriage counseling. A marriage counselor usually sees both members of the couple together, though some will occasionally also see each person individually. The goals of a marriage or relationship counselor are generally to help the couple:
* improve communication patterns
* develop empathic, active listening skills
* improve problem-solving skills
* resolve conflicts in ways that meet the needs of both partners
* explore ways for old wounds (from this or previous relationships) to be healed
* if possible, find ways to stay together in a positive and mutually satisfying relationship
* if not possible to stay together, then to separate in a healthy and respectful way
There are also some reputable weekend seminars for couples, usually conducted through religious organizations. The best known of these is Marriage Encounter, which is intended to improve relationships that are not in serious jeopardy. Many different religions provide Marriage Encounter weekend retreats. A similar program for pre-marital couples is called Engaged Encounter. For those with more difficulties, another resource is Retrouvaille ("re-discovery"), organized by the Catholic Church, but conducted without regard to the religious beliefs of participants.
Family therapy
There are also some additional approaches that have evolved specifically for family settings, such as:
* Family Systems – views families as a system in which each member plays a role that serves to sustain the balance (homeostasis), regardless of whether family members are happy with the way things are (status quo); considers that a change in any one member will cause the entire system to have to change and readjust
* Bowenian Family Therapy – looks at the generational patterns that are handed down in families; how family members often form "triangles" in their relationships by pulling others into a matter that actually concerns two people; focus in treatment is on the marital dyad, regardless of the family's view about which child or adult is the "problem"
* Structural Family Therapy – looks at the generational alliances in families; seeks to strengthen the parental dyad in its managerial role in the family; focus in treatment is the entire family, with shifts in the structure of the interactions
* Experiential – looks at the rules and roles played by family members and how family members struggle if those rules and roles are either poorly defined or inflexible; emphasis on communication patterns; treatment involves the entire family and often incorporates role playing or other drama or art
Family therapy is often the most appropriate treatment for a child with behavioral problems. It is also helpful when a family member has a serious medical problem or mental condition such as bipolar disorder or schizophrenia.
Group therapy
Group therapy refers to therapy sessions that involve a group participating, instead of one-on-one interaction with a therapist. They are different from self help or peer support groups in that there is a professional therapist as the facilitator. Group therapy may have a theme or focus (such as a women's or men's group, or one for divorcing people or recovering alcoholics) or they may be open to a variety of participants. Some groups are time-limited (participants join for a specified period), while others are open-ended. Groups generally include 6-8 people who meet at a regularly scheduled time, often for about 2 hours. Membership may be open, with people coming and going over time, or they may be closed, with a particular group who work together over a longer period, sometimes many years.
Types of mental health professionals and finding a good therapist
This is a starting place to learn about some of the types of mental health professionals. Each profession has training programs where pre-licensed individuals provide services under the supervision and training of a licensed professional. Note that a master's or doctoral degree is awarded by a college or university, while a license is granted by a state, after the candidate has earned an appropriate degree, completed a required number of clinical training hours of experience, and passed a written and/or oral examination.
How do you know which type of therapist is right for you? One of the most common ways to find a therapist is to ask friends, colleagues, or an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) for recommendations. The descriptions below provide general information on types of therapists, and each section includes links to organizations that have lists of therapists by city, specialization, training, or other useful information. Just as the theoretical training of a given person may or may not determine a good "fit" for you, the best therapist may be the one with whom you feel comfort, confidence, and trust, regardless of degree or license. You may need to talk to a few therapists on the phone or meet for a brief session with more than one before you decide where to start.
Marriage and family therapist (MFT)
Marriage and Family Therapists are psychotherapists who treat persons involved in interpersonal relationships. They are licensed to diagnose and treat mental and emotional disorders within the context of marriage, couples and family systems, as well as assist clients in achieving more adequate, satisfying and productive marriage, family, and social adjustment. The practice also includes premarital counseling, child counseling, divorce or separation counseling and other relationship counseling. Most MFTs will work with same-gender as well as heterosexual couples, though some therapists have specializations with gay couples. Marriage and Family Therapists have graduate training (a Master's or Doctoral degree) in marriage and family therapy and at least two years of clinical experience, in addition to passing a licensing exam.
Social worker (MSW or LCSW)
Clinical social workers are the largest group of professionally trained mental health care providers in the United States. Licensed Clinical Social Workers (LCSW) have a Master's degree in social work (MSW) along with additional clinical training and passage of a licensing exam. They help people function the best way they can in their environment, deal with their relationships with others, and solve personal and family problems. About 40% of social workers practice psychotherapy. Others are case managers - they are involved in coordinating a range of needed services for a client, such as psychiatric, medical, legal, or financial services. They can specialize in many fields, including gerontology, mental health, hospital administration, healthy care, schools, child welfare agencies, criminal justice, and child or adult protective services.
Other Licensed Professionals
Each state has its own licensing boards for mental health professionals, each with its own requirements for coursework, clinically supervised practice prior to licensing, and examination process. Some of the common titles include:
* Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC)
* Licensed Mental Health Counselor (LMPC)
* Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor (LPCC)
* Licensed Clinical Mental Health Counselor (LCMHC)
Although most states require a Master's degree plus experience, there is no standardization across states in regard to these counselor designations. Some states have reciprocal acceptance of licenses if a therapist moves, while others, such as California, do not recognize LPCs and require additional training and supervision before eligibility for licensing. Check with your own state licensing commissions or boards to determine what kind of background and training is required for mental health professionals in your state.
Psychiatric nurses
A psychiatric nurse has a degree in nursing and is licensed as a registered nurse (RN); s/he also has additional experience in psychiatry. Advanced practice psychiatric nurses are registered nurses prepared at the master's level as a nurse practitioner or certified nurse specialist specializing in psychiatric-mental health care. Advanced practice psychiatric nursing roles embrace a variety of functions, which can include prescriptive practice of psychotropic medications; individual, group, and family psychotherapy; crisis intervention; case management; and consultation. They also have important functions in consultation to nurses in primary care and other medical settings who serve as first points of contact for many people seeking help.
Psychologist
Psychologists usually have a doctoral degree in psychology (Ph.D. or Psy.D.), and are often licensed in Clinical Psychology. Psychologists can do assessments to help evaluate people's mental health; they also can treat problems using psychotherapy. They often focus on treating particular populations, such as children, adolescents, children or adolescents in a school setting, older adults, or people with health issues. They can also specialize in what they would like to treat, such as the diagnosis and treatment of mental disorders, or problems of adjustment or life challenges, such as choosing a career or coping with marital problems. Or, they might specialize in performing assessments, such as personality testing or neuropsychological assessment.
Psychiatrist
A psychiatrist is a physician (M.D. or D.O.) who completed psychiatric residency training after four years of medical school. Psychiatrists specialize in the diagnosis, treatment and prevention of mental illnesses and substance abuse disorders. Many psychiatrists undergo additional training for specialization in such areas as child and adolescent psychiatry, geriatric psychiatric, forensic psychiatry, psychopharmacology, and/or psychoanalysis. Because they are medical doctors, psychiatrists can prescribe medication.
Psychoanalyst
A psychoanalyst is a mental health professional with additional training in psychoanalysis. Some psychoanalysts are also medical doctors, while others are not. As a therapy, psychoanalysis is based on the observation that individuals are often unaware of many of the factors that determine their emotions and behavior. Psychoanalytic treatment demonstrates how these unconscious factors affect current relationships and patterns of behavior, traces them back to their historical origins, shows how they have changed and developed over time, and helps the individual to deal better with the realities of adult life.
Telephone and online counseling
In the era of telecommunications and computers, there are now counselors who provide services by phone or email. Online counseling should probably not be considered a substitute for psychotherapy but may be a useful adjunct for some people. The advantages of such contacts are that they:
* Are available at all hours, worldwide
* Offer assistance to those who are unable or unwilling to seek such help in person
* May be a good introduction for someone who has never sought counseling and is "testing the waters" to see how it feels to discuss personal issues
* Are usually cost-effective (often charging about $1-2.00/minute, making a full 60-minute hour less expensive than a 50-minute in-person session might be).
But there are also many drawbacks to phone or online counseling:
* It is missing the "personal" interaction that is typically part of the healing process
* It is sometimes difficult to know if the provider is legitimate
* The provider cannot use visual cues (such as your facial expression or body posture) to get a more complete sense of your reactions and interactions
* It may be more difficult to clear up misunderstandings of what was meant by something said, on either side
* Insurance companies are unlikely to cover the costs
* There may be legal or ethical issues that are not adequately addressed for either party.
If you think you are interested in online or telephone counseling, it is advisable to go through a reputable organization to find a provider. At the very least, they will have screened their participants to assure they are properly licensed, and usually also require a resumé.
Does Marriage Counseling Work?
Does Marriage Counseling Work?
How to Fix Your Marriage
When considering marriage counseling, it's difficult not to wonder whether seeing a marriage counselor will actually work. This article provides some objective information based on data obtained from a national survey of marriage and family counselors and their clients. Also presented are several interesting opinions provided by individuals who have actually been through marriage counseling and were asked to comment on whether or not seeing a marriage counselor proved effective in helping their relationship.
An honest marriage counselor would agree that the motivation of a couple may be the single most important factor in determining the success of marriage counseling. It's unlikely that even a brilliant counselor would be able to save a marriage where one spouse has already decided upon a divorce, and a mediocre marriage counselor can probably help a couple who are utterly committed towards making their marriage work. With this in mind, research has been made in an effort to determine, on a more scientific level, the effectiveness of couples counseling.
In an article published by Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, clients of marriage and family counselors from 15 different states reported on their experience with counseling. The findings indicated that marriage and family counselors treated a wide range of issues in relatively short-term fashion, couple and family therapy are briefer than individual therapy, and that client satisfaction and functional improvement are quite high.
[*] Specifically, of clients from 526 marriage and family counselors in 15 different states:
* 98.1% rated services good or excellent
* 97.1% got the kind of help they desired
* 91.2% were satisfied with the amount of help they received
* 93% said they were helped in dealing more effectively with problems
* 94.3% would return to the same therapist in the future
* 96.9% would recommend their therapist to a friend
* 97.4% were generally satisfied with the service they received
* 63.4% reported improved physical health
* 54.8% reported improvement in functioning at work
* 73.7% indicated improvement in children’s behavior
* 58.7% showed improvement in children’s school performance
[*] Excerpted from "Clinical Practice Patterns of Marriage and Family Therapists: A National Survey of Therapists and Their Clients", Journal of Marital and Family Therapy--Volume 22, No. 1
While the above study provides raw data that supports the effectiveness of marriage and family counseling, a very interesting discussion on the question "Does Couples Counseling Work" from a public forum devoted to this topic offers a less clinical, but still positive view. Based on what seems to be a very honest and frank discussion among couples "who've been there," the answer to the question of whether or not marriage counseling is effective is a positive one. Read these posts on the Berkley Parents Network.
Regardless of the studies and opinions which seem to support the effectiveness of marriage / couples counseling, there are those who question it's effectiveness. An article on the about.com portal, had this to say:
The science of marital counseling is being studied in great detail these days. Research is showing that it is not as effective as people think, that women seem to get more from it than men, and that it might not have a lasting effect on the couple's marriage.
What type of couple gets the most from couple therapy? The answer is young, non-sexist, still in love, open couples.
Which couples receive the least from therapy? Some factors that can make couple therapy unsuccessful include couples who wait too long before seeking help, and often one or the other is set on getting a divorce and is closed to any suggestions that may save the marriage.
Excerpted from the marriage.about.com portal
Unfortunately, the data supporting the above-mentioned research is not specifically cited in the article. The article seems to imply that couples who seek counseling because they want their relationship to work are more likely to succeed with marriage counseling than are those who enter into counseling with the (perhaps hidden) truth that they already want out.
More opinions from folks "who've been there" can be found on the alt.marriage newsgroup. The following collection of discussion threads offers several interesting and insightful responses from people who have actually gone through couples counseling
Marriage counseling: Working through relationship problems
Illness, infidelity, sex, anger, communication problems — all can contribute to distress in marriages or other relationships. Marriage counseling or couples counseling can help resolve conflicts and heal wounds.
Your partner comes home from work, makes a beeline for the liquor cabinet and then sulks off silently. You haven't had a real conversation for weeks. A few arguments over money or late nights out, sure, but no heart-to-hearts. Sex? What's that?
Your relationship is on the rocks, and you both know it. But you aren't sure how to fix things — or if you really want to.
It may be time for marriage counseling. Marriage counseling can help you rebuild your relationship. Or decide that you'll both be better off if you split up. Either way, marriage counseling can help you understand your relationship better and make well-thought-out decisions.
What is marriage counseling?
Marriage counseling, also called couples therapy, helps couples — married or not — understand and resolve conflicts and improve their relationship. Marriage counseling gives couples the tools to communicate better, negotiate differences, problem solve and even argue in a healthier way.
Marriage counseling is generally provided by licensed therapists known as marriage and family therapists. These therapists provide the same mental health services as other therapists, but with a specific focus — a couple's relationship.
Marriage counseling is often short term. You may need only a few sessions to help you weather a crisis. Or you may need marriage counseling for several months, particularly if your relationship has greatly deteriorated. As with individual psychotherapy, you typically see a marriage counselor once a week.
MORE ON THIS TOPIC
* Family therapy: Healing family conflicts
* Psychotherapy: An overview of the types of therapy
Who can benefit from marriage counseling?
Most marriages and other relationships aren't perfect. Each person brings his or her own ideas, values, opinions and personal history into a relationship, and they don't always match their partner's. Those differences don't necessarily mean your relationship is bound for conflict. To the contrary, differences can be complementary — you know the saying about opposites attracting. These differences can also help people understand, respect and accept opposing views and cultures.
But relationships can be tested. Differences or habits that you once found endearing may grate on your nerves after time together. Sometimes specific issues, such as an extramarital affair or loss of sexual attraction, trigger problems in a relationship. Other times, there's a gradual disintegration of communication and caring.
No matter the cause, distress in a relationship can create undue stress, tension, sadness, worry, fear and other problems. You may hope your relationship troubles just go away on their own. But left to fester, a bad relationship may only worsen and eventually lead to physical or psychological problems, such as depression. A bad relationship can also create problems on the job and affect other family members or even friendships as people feel compelled to take sides.
Here are typical issues that marriage counseling can help you and a spouse or partner cope with:
* Infidelity
* Divorce
* Substance abuse
* Physical or mental conditions
* Same-sex relationship issues
* Cultural clashes
* Finances
* Unemployment
* Blended families
* Communication problems
* Sexual difficulties
* Conflicts about child rearing
* Infertility
* Anger
* Changing roles, such as retirement
Domestic violence
Marriage counseling may also be of help in cases of domestic violence or abuse. However, if the abuse or violence has escalated to the point that you fear for your safety or that of your children, consider contacting the police or a local shelter or crisis center. Don't rely on marriage counseling alone to resolve these problems.
Strengthening bonds
You don't need to have a troubled relationship to seek therapy. Marriage counseling can also help couples who simply want to strengthen their bonds and gain a better understanding of each other. Marriage counseling can also help couples who plan to get married. This pre-marriage counseling can help you achieve a deeper understanding of each other and iron out differences before a union is sealed.
MORE ON THIS TOPIC
* Domestic violence toward women: Recognize the patterns and seek help
* Infidelity: Mending your marriage after an affair
* Sexual health: How to achieve a fulfilling sexual relationship
* Infertility
* Drug addiction
* Alcoholism
* Alcohol use self-assessment: Rate your drinking habits
How does marriage counseling work?
Marriage counseling typically brings couples or partners together for joint therapy sessions. The counselor or therapist helps couples pinpoint and understand the sources of their conflicts and try to resolve them. You and your partner will analyze both the good and bad parts of your relationship.
Marriage counseling can help you learn skills to solidify your relationship. These skills may include communicating openly, problem solving together and discussing differences rationally. In some cases, such as mental illness or substance abuse, your marriage counselor may work with your other health care professionals to provide a complete spectrum of treatment.
Talking about your problems with a marriage counselor may not be easy. Sessions may pass in silence as you and your partner seethe over perceived wrongs. Or you may bring your fights with you, yelling and arguing during sessions. Both are OK. Your therapist can act as mediator or referee and help you cope with the emotions and turmoil. Your marriage counselor shouldn't take sides in these disputes.
You may find your relationship improving after just a few sessions. On the other hand, you may ultimately discover that your differences truly are irreconcilable and that it's best to end your relationship.
What if your partner refuses to attend marriage counseling sessions? You can go by yourself. It may be more challenging to patch up relationships when only one partner is willing to go to therapy. But you can still benefit by learning more about your reactions and behavior in the relationship.
How do you choose a marriage counselor?
Take care when choosing a marriage counselor or therapist. Not all are licensed or certified, or have specialized training in couples counseling.
Look for a marriage counselor who is a licensed mental health professional. Many marriage counselors are specifically designated as licensed marriage and family therapists (L.M.F.T.s). Licensing and credentialing requirements can vary by state. But most states require advanced training, including a master's or doctoral degree, graduate training in marriage and family therapy, and training under the supervision of other experts. Many marriage and family therapists choose to become credentialed by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT), which sets specific eligibility criteria.
Most marriage counselors work in private practice. They may also work in clinics, mental health centers, hospitals and government agencies. Ask your health care provider for a referral to a marriage counselor. Family and friends also may give you recommendations based on their experiences. Your health insurer, employee assistance program, clergy, or state or local agencies also may offer recommendations. You can also look up marriage counselors in your phone book.
What questions should you ask when choosing a marriage counselor?
Before choosing a new marriage counselor, you can ask lots of questions to see if he or she is the right fit for you. Consider asking questions like these:
* Are you a clinical member of the AAMFT or licensed by the state, or both?
* What is your educational and training background?
* What is your experience with my type of problem?
* How much do you charge?
* Are your services covered by my health insurance?
* Where is your office, and what are your hours?
* How long is each session?
* How often are sessions scheduled?
* How many sessions should I expect to have?
* What is your policy on canceled sessions?
* How can I
