Baby-proofing your sex life could save your marriage
Trina Read, Calgary Herald
When planning for your first child -- or your 10th for that matter -- have you ever considered baby-proofing your sex life ?
I am always in awe of how well parents take care of their kids. Prevention and safety are the No.1 priority, what with regulation car seats, regulation cribs and baby-proofed houses.
I sometimes wonder if parents gave the same amount of care and attention to their sexual relationship, where might it be now and in the future?
Instead, there is a social more that states: After baby, a couple's sex life becomes almost non-existent and stays that way until the child is a teen.
It does not have to be that way.
In their book, Partnering, psychologists Hal and Sidra Stone write about the bonding patterns people form.
They theorize that people pair up and form a primary bond.
When a child comes along, a lot of times this primary bond is re-established with that child.
It then becomes increasingly difficult to maintain an open, intimate and sexual relationship with their significant other.
This is not a new idea. Ellen Kreid-
man, author of How Can We Light a Fire When the Kids are Driving us Crazy, wrote: "What unhappy couples do not understand is that if they make their children their No.1 priority, thinking they can work on their marriage later, they'll probably wind up as one of the one out of every two marriages that end in divorce today.
"Being alone, having quality time with your mate, is much more than sex. . . . It's imperative to have time alone to give each other that which is so desperately needed in a relationship -- your undivided attention."
In fact, the happiest, best-adjusted children come from a home in which the parents love and are intimate with each other.
So why then do so many parents feel it is okay to put their precious reconnecting time last on the list of priorities?
Why do these same parents feel guilty if they eke out a couple of hours every week "selfishly" for themselves? It's mind-boggling, really.
If you are serious about raising healthy children, you need to establish ground rules of how you will give each other your undivided attention. Because as many parents can attest, after baby comes, things get a little crazy for a long time.
Here are three basic rules to live and love by:
1. Make a one-night-a-month date night. No matter how tired, cranky and unromantic you both feel, make a pact to go out.
2. At least twice a year, have a weekend away. A weekend getaway is something to plan, to look forward to and to relax with one another.
3. Once a year, plan a one-week (yes, that would be seven days) vacation. Inevitably, the first week away from the kids is heart-wrenching for the parents.
However, feedback from parents has been that the kids do not seem to mind and, in fact, as the kids get older, they look forward to their independent time.
Of course, I do not feel these are outrageous expectations of your reconnection time. Do you? Probably.
Here are some of the excuses you may have for why this is not feasible.
Excuse No. 1: We do not have the money. Going on dates, weekends away and vacations do take money -- and who has money after paying for all those diapers?
Ask yourself: Can you afford not to go? Think of this money as being an investment in your life's most precious commodity: your relationship.
Excuse No. 2: I'm too tired.
I can appreciate how inviting your lovely couch must seem to your butt after a long week but trust me, going out with your sweetie will be rejuvenating.
Mother Teresa was the inspiration to one of my favourite quotes, "Always keep your lamp full." Wise words.
Keeping your lamp full means taking time out and giving back to yourself and to each other.
Ultimately, the best gift you can give your children is to have a long-term love affair with your partner.
Trina Read is a motivational speaker and writer with a doctorate on human sexuality.
Labels: marriage-sex
Make Your Marriage Sex
Passionate, Wild and Fun
Can marriage sex be erotic, exciting, loving and intimate?
Read on... making love to your husband or wife will never be the same again!
Guaranteed!
In the beginning, marriage sex was outrageous and passionate.
In those moments when you weren't ripping each other's clothes off, you replayed in your mind the sex of that morning, the sheer force of your orgasm, the words s/he spoke over lunch or in bed, and the subtle looks your lover passed your way.
You daydreamed about your lover's naked body and the sex that you will have that evening. Your heart pumped faster, your breathing became shallow and you felt that pleasant warm tingle between your legs. In the beginning, sex took over your body and your mind.
But as time goes by, marriage sex changes. Your sex-intoxicated mind gradually sobers up and returns to work, responsibility and the other aspects of your marriage and life in general. And soon enough those last, hazy bits and pieces of your drunken-self straighten up and soon you realize that you know each other so well. You can predict his every move and he can predict yours.
Yawn. And then it's time to relight the fire and bring passion and excitement back into your bedroom.
Oops! Did We Say Bedroom?
Be adventurous! The bedroom isn't the only place where you can date your husband or wife.
One of the best ways to make routine marriage sex a little more wild and exciting is to change the atmosphere.
If you aren't into having sex in the park or on the subway, there is an easy solution. Just by getting out of the bedroom, you add an element of excitement to marriage sex. Making love on the kitchen table or on the living room carpet is safe, clean, private, and oh so passionate.
As part of our research (professional and personal) into marriage sex, we read tons of books, e-books and special reports.
Here are our favorites. Our top 5 best lovemaking e-books - each guaranteed to improve tremendously your marriage sex:
The Art of Lovemaking - yes - this is absolutely the best.
It takes you through 52 weekly dates for fun, playfulness and... sex, of course. Lots of new ideas - that would make the both of you VERY HOT and ... very giggly...
Check it out - it has 100% money-back-guarantee! so you have nothing to lose and a whole lot to gain.
100 Great Sex Games For Couples - bring back the fun and playfulness into the bedroom. A must have for any couple.
Killer Orgasms - the sales letter is a bit over-the-top, but the book contains valuable tips and tricks. We were surprised how much there's more to learn, when you're willing to experiment.
Recommended!
G-Spot Orgasm Technique - a whole book focused on getting a... g-spot orgasm... If you ever wondered where is this g-spot or how can you touch it the best to bring her to ecstasy - here is your answer.
Orgasmology - more than a book about giving her orgasm... also photos and videos. When you want to make your wife really happy - that's for you. You can learn some great stuff without letting her know - and just suprise her... She'll let you know that it worked...
Let's Talk About Sex
Do you find it awkward, embarrassing or difficult to talk with your husband or wife about what feels good in sex, what feels great and what feels out of this world? Part of learning about the wonderful act of sex is finding out what feels best to you.
This requires that both of you take time and to touch and carress all parts of each other's body while sharing with each other your experience. Your goal is to find what sensitive areas of your body help you enjoy sex the most.
Sexual fears, taboos and attitudes as well as withheld negative feelings and secrets choke off spontaneity, energy and pleasure in marriage sex. Sharing sexual fears and sex secrets as well as sexual peak experiences and sexual fantasies is a powerful way to deepen the intimacy in your relationship and boost the passion meter in your marriage.
We have created a special page for you where you can talk about sex - ask questions, share insecurities and fantasies, as well as help others with their questions, fears and secrets.
Check out our Let's Talk About Marriage Sex Page...
And WITH your husband or wife - here is a simple, yet powerful, communication exercise that will free your sexual energy and promote trust and intimacy.
Break the Rules and Have Fun Doing It
Try a little spontaneity. Instead of making love only at night after the kids are in bed, seduce your husband or wife when the urge strikes. Flirt with your partner in public. Showing him/her that s/he is desirable will feed the flames and send you two running for the bedroom.
Put a sexy note (a description of your favorite fantasy) in your partner's briefcase or car. Call your husband or wife at work during a lunch break (or send him/her an e-mail) and tell him/her exactly what you want to do to him/her after work - and DO it later.
Make love just before you are expecting company. The urgency of the sex and the forbidden secret will keep you hot for a week.
Food can lead up to lovemaking, but why not eat after sex? That way your stomach isn't full, and you won't fall asleep right after sex because you'll both be hungry. Actually, you could also take a lovemaking break between the main course and dessert. There are things you can't do in a restaurant...
And how about dance sexily for your husband...? These are excellent videos to teach you just that. Our recommended for the best marriage sex dancing is: "Lap Dancing & Entertaining Your Man, vol 4"
Masturbate in front of your lover without letting him/her touch you. Getting turned on together will raise desire to dizzying heights.
Variations on a Theme
Like ice cream, sexual pleasure comes in an amazing range of flavors - and everyone has a favorite. But your marriage sex suffers when you insist on always going back for more of the same.
Just varying your marriage sex routine in simple ways is enough to excite you and your partner into passionate lovemaking. Actually, simple variations on a familiar theme seem to be the simplest and most effective way to spice your marriage sex life.
Dressing yourself in seductive lingerie to look and feel sexy is a simple way to light a fire under your love life.
Check out this online shop for sexy lingerie - this is where we buy all our sexy stuff... They are really good!
Changing positions is another excellent way to increase your pleasure and to stir things up a bit. The Kama Sutra , or any other sex manual, can give you ideas for fresh new ways to get entangled with your lover.
Or, take a whole new approach to marriage sex. Learn more about Tantra - the art and magic of sexual ecstasy.
It's Not the Destination That Counts
Give each other long, slow, and sensual massage. Explore every inch of your partner's body with your fingertips. But refrain from having intercourse. Not confident about giving erotic massage? Learn everything you need to know to build a sexual tension that will wind you two up like steel springs for the next encounter...
Sharing fantasies with no obligation to act on them encourages creative erotic thinking, deepens understanding and intimacy, and helps you imagine each other in new sexual ways. The fantasy you develop together becomes your mutual mental foreplay for the next date. You'll get in the mood much faster simply because you'll have that hot fantasy ready to spark your libido.
For married couples in particular, sex without intercourse seems almost illegal, like the beginning of an affair. Learn more about making love (vs. having sex)...
Kinky Stuff
Kinkiness, ranging from slightly unusual to downright bizarre, is also one way to get your brain and genitals all fired up. Role playing, erotic talk, discussion of fantasy and striptease are sexy games that will transform any routine marriage sex into a hot, passionate love affair.
If you like the idea of these kinky games, but have never been a real dramatic type, you can ease into it by wearing sexy clothes/lingerie that you wouldn't normally wear. Sexy music might also help you to let down your hair and get into the game. Try a red light bulb to add some exotica to your bedroom. And most importantly, laughing and joking about it will make it easier, without taking the sexy punch out of it. Teasing and playing is a great way to keep your marriage sex alive.
And Most Important...
Make Sex Your Priority
Make time for sex - busy as you may be, make lovemaking a top priority in your marriage.
Preferably, increase the frequency of your sexual encounters. Studies show that lovemaking elevates the levels of brain chemicals associated with desire. So the best way to increase your hunger for sex is to have sex...
Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex*
Our Marriage Sex Advice Column gives the answer to every sex question you ever wanted to know, and some you wouldn't think to ask. Did you know, for example, that porno stars are not as gifted as they look? It's the camera that adds a couple of inches to a normal penis. We'd love to tell you how to perform the "Piercing Tiger", how 20 minutes of belly laughter enhances your ability to reach orgasm and will Viagra really improve your marriage sex...?
And Last But Not Least...
Don't forget our ultimate solution: The Art of Lovemaking .
This e-book will definitely put the spark back in your marriage!
Save your marriage today with the Art of Lovemaking!
Labels: marriage-sex
How to improve your sex life 19 Articles
1
of 19
by Amanda Coers
This is not your grandmother's bedroom. Times have changed. The average married couple today is able to expand their romantic arsenal to include what was once considered taboo. Sensual oils, erotic costumes, naughty toys a...read more
2
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by Beverly Mahone
Year after year, I hear my middle-aged girlfriends complain about how the spark has gone out of their relationships with the "man of their dreams." They tell me he isn't attentive anymore or he works long hours and then c...read more
3
of 19
by Casalan
You don't need pills, organ extenders, Ginseng, the Kama Sutra, aphrodisiacs or any type of sexy undergarment to improve your sex life. They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, we'll I am a man and this...read more
4
of 19
by Jennifer Searle
The children have just drifted off to sleep. You and your spouse have finished up nightly chores and are both ready to drop from your long day. The option between watching the nightly news on the television in your room, ...read more
5
of 19
by Arrnica Dayannandan
Do you want to be the ultimate sex goddess for your partner that your partner simply can't resist? Do you want your very presence to serve as his aphrodisiac that he just can't keep his hands off? If yes, then read on to k...read more
6
of 19
by Elaine Sihera
Differing Gender Approaches to Better Sex Both parties in any relationship, especially when the couples are older, bring a long sexual history, different instincts and preconceptions to the overall sexual experience. On...read more
7
of 19
by Jacques Sprenger
There are many conditions that must be met before you can speak of a great sex life. A man and a woman nowadays go to bed and have sex in a very casual manner; they may not even know each other well. There are many shows o...read more
8
of 19
by Edyta Tehrani
Improve your everyday relationship! When you are tender with each other in supposedly "unromantic" daily mundane, when there is no lack of empathy, words of encouragement, praise for what one has done right then sex life w...read more
9
of 19
by Linda Pearcy
How to Improve Your Sex Life: What do we all want? More money? To lose weight? Health? Happiness? No, of course not don't be silly. We want sex. More of it. Longer lasting. More intimate. More satisfying. Now...read more
10
of 19
by Teresa Ann Grimes
Having been in the sex therapy Field for over ten years now I feel that is is improving life that leads to improving your sex life. Working on one's self image and inner being is important to having a better sex life. If y...read more
11
of 19
by Lauren Romano
The number one way in my opinion to improve your sex life is to be open to making changes. There are so many opportunities to make sex more exciting, to make it better as a whole and to make it better for both people. ...read more
12
of 19
by Jennifer Atkins
Many things can improve a sex life that doesn't even have to be sexually related. They say the biggest sex organ a person has is their mind and I believe that to be true. I'm a believe in keeping the sex life active, fu...read more
13
of 19
by Kay Hutchinson
Improve Your Sex Life With Healing Foods and Chinese Herbs In the Chinese medicine system, healing foods are often integrated into the daily diet to help increase the vitality and energy, necessary for creating a health...read more
14
of 19
by Amber Goodman
Honesty. That's it. Be honest in a gentle way. Men and women each want different things. Men want MORE. Women want ROMANCE. If a woman is romanced, she will be more likely to give MORE. Romance is the tricky part. For ...read more
15
of 19
by Lickerish
True Story. Sex can be fun and exciting. I suggest a trip to a Love Boutique/Sex Store. You and your partner can browse through everything they have and even have a good laugh at all the kinky toys or the penis shaped lol...read more
16
of 19
by Myrna Writewood
How to improve your sex life, well at the present I don't have much of a sex life. Its something that I've had to abstain from, to live without, especially since my late husband passed away. You've got to be able to be ...read more
17
of 19
by Meghan Smith
Please help me, while learning about your relaitonship. I'm an honors student working on my thesis and I need to get 3000 people to participate in this study by December. I'm interested in looking at relationship satisfa...read more
18
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by Kelly Lambert
hello everyone thanks for taking time out to read my article well your definatly reading this for a reason so whatever it may be pay attencion i am a qualified sexual therapist and trust me i know what im talking about i b...read more
19
of 19
by Emilia Moutter
Firstly, I believe that sexual relationships should happen in a stable environment. If you are taking this article, and similar articles into account I beg of you that you are absorbing it into a relationship, and not one ...read more
Labels: marriage-sex
The Sex-Starved Marriage -- Michele Weiner-Davis -- 02/04/03
By Michele Weiner-Davis
WebMD Live Events Transcript
Finding a balance between you and your partner's differing desires is a tough task faced by many couples. But left unsolved, out-of-sync sexual relationships can shake the foundation of a marriage. We discussed bridging the libido gap when Michele Weiner-Davis, author of The Sex-Starved Marriage, was our guest.
The opinions expressed herein are the guest's alone and have not been reviewed by a WebMD physician. If you have questions about your health, you should consult your personal physician. This event is meant for informational purposes only.
Moderator: Hello Michele. Welcome to WebMD Live. How common is the problem of sex being out of balance in a marriage?
Weiner-Davis: It's estimated that one of three marriages struggles with this issue. I think it will help though to define what I mean by a sex-starved marriage. It is when one spouse desperately longs for more touch, more sex, more physical closeness and the other is too busy, preoccupied or disinterested, and thinks "what's the big deal? It's just sex."
To the more sexual spouse, it's a really big deal because it's about feeling wanted, loved, appreciated, important, and close to one's spouse. And when this disconnect happens intimacy on all levels begins to drop out. They stop having meaningful conversations. They stop sitting next to each other on the couch, laughing at each other's jokes, spending time together. In short, they stop being friends. And this puts the marriage at risk of infidelity and even divorce. As the original divorce buster I am determined to get the message out that there are steps that couples CAN and SHOULD take to boost their passion and their emotional intimacy.
Member: How do you get it back once it seems to be lost?
Weiner-Davis: The road to boosting one's libido is not a precise science. There is a lot of trial and error. A lack of desire can be due to complex and varied factors.
Sometimes the cause is biological. For example:
Hormone fluctuations
Underlying medical diseases
Medications (even some birth control pills and antidepressants)
Recreational use of drugs
Other times the causes are personal:
How a person feels about one's body
Grief issues due to a recent loss
Feelings of depression
Poor self-esteem
And finally, a lack of sexual desire is often due to relationship issues:
Unresolved feelings of resentment
Anger
Hurt
Disappointment
But the good news is that with what we now know about improving both physical and emotional health there is no reason why anyone wanting a more robust sex life can't have one.
The problem I have seen recently is that we have been spending so much time trying to figure out WHY someone is not feeling desire as opposed to beginning to take the steps to doing something about it. Plus, there is some exciting new research that indicates that for at least half the population sexual desire doesn't just happen; you have to make it happen. I wish I had a dollar for each time someone with so-called low sexual desire said to me, "I was not in the mood once we first started making love, but once we got into it, I really enjoyed myself."
Most think sexual desire starts with an idea. In other words, you are folding laundry, working on the computer, paying bills, and all of the sudden you have a random, lusty thought that propels you to find your spouse. But the truth is it doesn't and will never work that way. Instead, many find that if they are willing to be receptive to their spouse's advances, once physically stimulated, they are really turned on. Hence, sexual desire.
I worked with a group of women who wanted to improve their marriages. One night they were all complaining their husbands were not helping around the house, participating as fathers, spending time with their wives, or even talking about their days. I smelled a male-bashing session coming on, stopped them, and asked they tell me on a one to ten scale how they would rate their sex lives. All of the women hovered around two or three. I wasn't surprised and asked them to go home and do an experiment: For the next two weeks, whether in the mood or not, make your sexual relationship a bigger priority. I told them to initiate sex more often, flirt, leave sexy notes around the house, get out of their sweat pants and put on something a little more appealing, and watch what happens.
I guaranteed them that within two weeks they would notice a big difference in their marriages. After some initial complaining, they all agreed to try it. Two weeks later, the women returned giggling. Their stories were similar and I will tell you about one: She said, "Even though we had company over the past two weeks, I initiated sex more often and could not believe what happened. My husband read the kids bedtime stories each evening. He put up wallpaper in our den. He grouted the kitchen tiles." These were jobs she had asked him to do months ago. Others talked about lawns being mowed.
I call this the Great American Sex Challenge. This is not rocket science. Good marriages are based on mutual care-taking. When one spouse shows her love by being more caring, it's almost always reciprocal. And before you jump to conclusions that low sexual desire is a woman's issue, I am convinced low sexual desire in men is America's best-kept secret. Millions of men are not in the mood for sex. And when I say that, most think about men who have difficulty performing. This is not so. Men who turn down their wives' advances do so for many of the same reasons women do. It's my hope with The Sex Starved Marriage that more men will be willing to step forward without shame to discuss this issue and get the help they need. Too many women married to low-desire men have suffered in silence and believe their husbands are the only ones who don 't have permanent erections.
Member: I will try harder to initiate sex even though my husband is tired most of the time; that's why I don't try to do anything until he does. He has no problem with erections; it's just tiredness.
Weiner-Davis: It's entirely possible that his fatigue has been based on his uncertainty as to how you would respond if he reaches out to you. Maybe he fears rejection. Your plan to become a little more assertive sounds like a great one. Also, for men's testosterone, which is one of the primary hormones responsible for sexual desire, peaks at 7 to 8 in the morning. Consider this in terms of when you approach him. Many couples wait until the evening when fatigue due to work, putting kids to bed, and emptying the dishwasher makes sexual encounters less likely.
Member: How do I become more assertive and risk rejection? Yes he likes morning sex but it's always quick...he gets done in 10 minutes or so -- no fun in that.
Weiner-Davis: First, get over it. In regards to worrying about being rejected, I am sure there have been times in the past he has been receptive. Figure out what's different about the times he has been open to advances. Secondly, if his quickies don't delight you, you should have an open conversation with him about that. So often couples don't feel comfortable really sharing what's in their heart about their sexual experiences together. If you are not adverse to quickies once in a while, suggest you have sex sometimes when you have time to spend more time together. Don't assume your partner or spouse is a mind reader. Talk about what you need.
Many times people complain instead of asking for what they want. Instead of saying, "I don't like it when we have sex in the morning and we have a quickie because it's not satisfying." Instead give an example of when you made love last Friday night and you made time for each other; "I would like it if we would do that more often." Talk about what you want instead of what you are unhappy about.
Sexuality is such a sensitive subject. Even the most innocent comment can sound like a barb. Stack the deck in having your spouse more sensitive to you by the way you talk about your needs. I divided the book into three sections:
For the people with low desire
For those with high desire
For the couple to work at together
In that third section, I suggest ways for couples to talk about sexual issues between them.
Member: All there is for us are quickies. He wants his way or no way. I feel like I am not even necessary. How do you tell him it's too quick without hurting his feelings?
Weiner-Davis: I guess I would wonder what you have done to try to let your feelings be known. It sounds like you are angry. And my guess is if there is anger unresolved, then two spouses aren't allied in finding a solution. Although I completely understand why you are resentful. Try to talk about how it hurts your feelings that you don't feel important. He might be more responsive if you express feelings of vulnerability rather than resentment.
I am wondering it's too quick because you like longer lovemaking, or if he's just satisfied before you are. If he doesn't last long enough, that doesn't mean he can't continue to do something to satisfy you. You might ask him or coach him as to what he can do to pleasure you. And if he's willing you should express your appreciation for his willingness to be open to his suggestions. These kinds of issues are addressed thoroughly when people come to my web site, thesexstarvedmarriage.com. Folks share their stories on the message board and sometimes talk to a coach we have there.
Member: I tell him all the time about it and I guess he feels that it's good enough for him. I guess I will just have to GO FOR IT. RIGHT ?
Weiner-Davis: Right!
Member: To me, sex is a release and a way to wipe clean all the bad things that happened during the day. To my wife, a bad day and tension make sex less appealing. Any tips on meeting in the middle?
Weiner-Davis: In your case, your wife probably thinks you don't care whether you are emotionally close or not. You just want sex. It's a biological urge. It's like scratching an itch. Unfortunately, lots of women believe that. It might really help for you to talk about your feelings in the same way you've done here. It's wonderful that you think of sex as a way of touching, to reconcile, to heal, to forgive, to let go. Obviously for you physical closeness is a way to reconnect. If you talk about your feelings, and I sometimes jokingly refer to this as the F word, you may just help your wife understand you better, be more empathetic, and perhaps begin to view touching as a way to break the ice. And conversely, since feeling sexy is a two person job, sometimes you will have to understand your wife's need for some down time after arguments and then some emotional closeness, often through conversation, as a means of fueling or re-fueling her sexual desire for you.
You have the right idea when you talk about meeting in the middle. But I want to add something here: Very few relationship experts talk about touching and sexuality as a means for making up. Generally, the thought is people need to feel emotional intimacy before they are sexual. And while this is true for millions of people, for many others, the act of sex, touching, affection, are the means through which people begin to feel emotional closeness.
What happens in many marriages if you are the one where emotions come first, is you avoid sex until your spouse does the things that help you feel connected emotionally. On the other hand, if you are the sex-leads-to-connection person, you go into a cave emotionally until your spouse shows interest in you physically. Too many marriages go down the tubes while each spouse waits for the other to change. It's imperative that both in a marriage take responsibility for tipping over the first domino and stop keeping score.
Member: Why does the solution to this issue always seem to involve "fixing" the spouse with the lower sex drive? I'd be perfectly happy having no sex. It's my husband's need to have sex every other day that gets me thinking of divorce.
Weiner-Davis: Good question. The truth is the person with the lower sex drive almost always controls the frequency of sex in the relationship. And the agreement that millions of couples have in this country is the following: The less sexual person believes, "I don't need to care about your sexual needs, but I expect you to be monogamous and not complain about this." This arrangement, which is almost always unspoken, is unattainable, unworkable, and unfair. Healthy marriages are based on mutual care-taking and compromise.
We understand this when it comes to parenting decisions, how to spend free time, who does what around the house, how much time we spend with the in-laws, but noticeably missing from the mix is how two people feel about sex. I am convinced this is wrong. We need to care about each other, about all the issues confronted in marriage. Plus, as I talked about before with the Great American Sex Challenge, when you are more willing to care about your spouse's needs, the rewards you reap are amazing. If you push yourself to give this a try, instead of asking, "Why do I have to be the one to change?" you will ask, "Why did I wait so long?"
Member: I had a total abdominal hysterectomy on Dec. 12, 2002. I am 48 years old and enjoy sex. I am married. My husband has decided on his own that I am numb "down there" since the surgery. Not true, but he will not listen that even before the surgery my "spot" is less vaginal and more clitoral. He will not do anything "for" that; he only wants oral and/or with me on my hands and knees from the back (not anal). It makes me feel so detached from the whole thing. I desire him so very much and wish I knew a way to get him to listen to MY needs. He says when I try to speak with him about it that I am trying to put stipulations on our sex and he will not have anything to do with it. When he comes to me for sex it WILL happen and if I approach him, no way. He makes excuses like not feeling well or being tired. I really want help with this issue and want a healthy relationship with my husband.
Weiner-Davis: It sounds to me as if your bedroom has become the arena for major misunderstandings and miscommunications between you. I recommend you both read The Sex Starved Marriage. I also suggest you consider seeking professional help to talk about the differences and how they might be resolved. Sometimes when there is not sufficient information about sex, the slightest suggestion about doing things differently can feel threatening to one's spouse. It sounds like your husband feels this way. Even if he won't seek professional advice, I encourage you to go yourself.
Member: My husband is very attractive to me and is ALWAYS ready to have sex. The problem is me -- I want more romance than just ordinary sex. Any suggestions?
Weiner-Davis: Yes, know your situation is common. So often the person with more sexual desire does the very things to turn him on rather than turn you on. For example, it's typical for more highly sexed spouses to buy sex toys, buy stock in Victoria's Secret, and plan for sexy evenings without the kids. But to people like you, your reaction is often, "You have a one track mind. Back off!" Your husband would be wiser to focus on the things he can do outside the bedroom that will feel like aphrodisiacs for you. For example, you might feel turned on if he suggests you sleep in in the morning and he will get up with the kids. You might also feel turned on if you get to take a class in the evenings just to replenish your soul.
While you might agree with me, you may be asking yourself, "How do I get him to do this?" In Getting Through to The Man You Love, I suggest you ask for what you want. Be clear and specific. Don't say, "I want you to be more romantic." Or, "I want you to be more affectionate." While you know what that means, your husband may be clueless or have a different definition. Instead, identify the actions that he could take that would really make you feel good. Make sure you describe what you want in action-oriented terms. For example:
"I would be more likely to want to be sexual if you courted me by calling me a few times during the day to say, 'Hi.'"
"I would feel closer to you if you complimented me on the way I look or told me you appreciated something I have done for you such as make your favorite meal."
You might also be specific about the ways you like him to touch you that you feel more romantic instead of just sexual touches. For example, you might say, "I love it when you touch my hair or look into my eyes, or give me little kisses on my cheek." You need to really get specific.
Member: Please give me some suggestions on how to approach him in a sexual manner. Do I wear nothing when he comes in from work or what? Give me some pointers please!
Weiner-Davis: Reflect on times in your marriage when he seemed really hot. Rewind mentally to those times and ask yourself, "What was I doing there?" One of the basis premises in The Sex Starved Marriage is that no matter how far apart couples are sexually there are times in the past when things felt better. Identifying what you were doing differently then is often a key to the solution. If greeting him naked at the door was something that lit his fire, by all means disrobe.
Member: I've been married over 13 years but with my husband over 16 years. I truly love him, but I just don't have the energy to make love on a regular basis. He thinks that I'm avoiding him, but I'm just tired and not interested in making love. It's not easy when a 2 year old is screaming, "Mommy," when you're in the middle of doing it. I'm at the end of my rope and I'm afraid of losing him. I've talked with my doctor about this and actually asked if there is any medication out there to take and I was told to get a babysitter and go out on a date. Unfortunately, I don't have anyone around to babysit. What would you recommend for a situation that probably a lot of us are going through?
Weiner-Davis: Good question. DON'T WAIT TO FEEL INCREDIBLY LUSTY. Adopt the Nike philosophy, Just Do It. And there are many good reasons why I am suggesting this. For one thing, as a mother of two children, I know how trying and tiring and burdensome it is to try to be good at everything you do. But if you don't take this situation seriously now, you may not have a family in which to bring up your precious 2 year old.
Sexuality is a very important issue. If you are willing to take the Great American Sex Challenge I guarantee you your life will improve. In addition to becoming more proactive and being responsive to your husband, you might consider going to a sex therapist who can direct you to a doctor who is more informed about potential biological reasons a woman might be lacking desire.
The bottom line is that the road to boosting desire is not a precise science. There is lots of trial and error. The only way you can really create problems is by sticking your head in the sand, hoping it will go away, or telling your husband to take a cold shower. If you are willing to read this book, go to a doctor, or talk to a therapist or begin the journey to boosting desire, you'll be on the path to more closeness and connection with your spouse.
Member: Sounds like all of us on here want to try The Great American Sex Challenge -- tell us how.
Weiner-Davis: Again, for the next two weeks, whether in the mood or not, make your sex life a big priority: initiate sex, flirt, get out of sweat pants, grab your spouse as you pass in the hall, be more physical. And in the next two weeks pay close attention to the ways in which your spouse changes. Then you can report your findings at the message board at www.sexstarvedmarriage.com
Moderator: We will discuss the results in the near future -- look for an update on WebMD Live. Michele, we are almost out of time. Before we wrap up for today, do you have any final comments for us?
Weiner-Davis: It's really important for anyone chatting with us to know if they are struggling with a sexual desire gap, there are many things they can do to bridge the desire gap. You don't have to live with the distance -- both physical and emotional. You can become the friend and lover you really want to be.
Labels: marriage-sex
Five Things You Can Do to Improve Your Marriage
Issues That You Should Not Ignore
By Sheri & Bob Stritof, About.com
See More About:marriage tipsmarriage red flags
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Although there are many ways to improve your marriage, this list of five things you can do to improve your marriage is centered around major red flag issues that can tear your marriage apart:
Lack of respect for one another
Lack of time with each other
Lack of sexual desire for one another
Lack of sharing responsibilities
Lack of having agreed upon financial goals.
Don't Take Each Other for Granted
If you are taking your spouse for granted because you believe that your partner will always be there for you, you are making a huge mistake.
Take the time and make the effort to be kind, thoughtful, appreciative, respectful, supportive, and affirming towards your spouse.
Not taking your spouse for granted means going beyond remembering your anniversary and your spouse's birthday. Not taking your spouse for granted means being tuned in to how your spouse feels and what your spouse thinks. Not taking your spouse for granted means you listen, you don't interrupt, and you show and tell your spouse of your love.
More ...
Work Together to Improve Your Sex Life
If you don't want to end up as one of the "sexless marriage" statistics, don't put your sex life on the low end of your priority list.
Remind yourselves of when you first met and the first twinges of lust that you felt for one another. Leave romantic and suggestive love notes for one another. Flirt with one another. Plan for time alone with one another on a regular basis. Kick the television out of your bedroom.
Showing your spouse how much you love and care often leads to a satisfying and fulfilling sex life.
More ...
Agree to Do Your Share of Chores Around Your Home
If you want peace, harmony and a clean, organized home, then the two of you need to work together to insure that household tasks such as keeping financial records, maintenance, shopping, yard work, planning, cleaning, cooking, child care, transportation, etc. are shared responsibilities.
Clutter around the house can create stress for both of you so talk about how both of you can routinely keep the clutter to a minimum.
More ...
Talk About Your Finances
When you have money it can come between the two of you if you haven't talked about your financial goals, saving money, and spending money.
If your budget is tight, money can create stress and division as you cope with bills and worry.
Attend a financial workshop, talk with a financial planner, learn recommended ways of building a nest egg for emergencies and planning for your retirement. Discuss your finances so the two of you are on the same financial wave length.
More ...
Simplify Your Lives
Think about the number of hours you each work, the amount of time you spend on hobbies or on home maintenance, and the time you want to spend with friends or extended family versus the amount of time you spend with one another.
Reevaluate how you both spend your time and consider how to simplify your lives whether you are newlyweds, a couple with children, or an empty nest couple. If you are over worked, over extended, and over tired, you put your marriage at risk.
The idea of downsizing involves more than moving to a smaller home. Downsizing is more about attitude than it is about space.
More ...
Labels: marriage-sex
The Sex-Starved Marriage: A Couple's Guide to Boosting Their Marital Libido
By Michele Weiner-Davis
Chapter One
Dear Michele,
Please, please help me. I am going through hell!! I am twenty-eight years old, married with a three-year-old daughter. For the past three years, my wife has avoided being sexual with me. It has slowly gone from having sex maybe twice a week to now, if I'm lucky, once a month. And even then, it's not really having sex. It's more like her saying, "Hurry up and get in here and let's do this before our child wakes up." There is no foreplay. She doesn't even kiss me. I'm the one who always is initiating any sort of affection. I get completely angered, hurt and resentful towards her because I can't understand how she could be so cruel to me. I want to tell her, "If you don't love me anymore, then we can split up and move on," but we have a child together and I don't think that's right or fair to our daughter. I want to be there when my little girl wakes up in the morning and goes to bed at night. But I also don't want to be with a woman who doesn't want to be with me.
So I struggle everyday with what I should do because I can't keep living like this. I'm miserable. I have talked to my wife about how I feel numerous times and nothing I say seems to change anything. Is there anything else I can do besides getting a divorce? Is there something you could write to her so she hears from another person about the importance of a good sexual relationship in a marriage?
Does any of this sound familiar? Are these things you've thought or said to yourself? Or have you heard words like these uttered from your spouse in an attempt to get you to change? Either way, you need to know that you are not alone. It is estimated that 1 out of every 3 couples struggle with problems associated with low sexual desire. One study found that 20% of married couples have sex less than 10 times a year! Complaints about low desire are the #1 problem brought to sex therapists.
And if you've been thinking that low sexual desire is only "a woman's thing", think again. Many sex experts believe that low sexual desire in men is America's best kept secret. Just read what women have to say about what really goes on behind closed doors.
I am so tired of reading articles in women's magazines and watching talk shows that perpetuate the myth that men are always more interested in sex than women. This is a bunch of hooey! There are many, many women who would LOVE to have a spouse who wants to have sex, touch or kiss. I've spoken to many women who have this same problem... Their husbands simply aren't interested. I can not believe my circle of friends is so different from the average. None of their husbands are "getting it on the side"..they simply are not interested. In my case, my husband of 26 years has never been as interested as I in sex, and during the last 5 years our sex life has been nonexistent.
This lack of sex is more than just a lack of physical attention... It goes deep into a woman's heart. I think in a normal marriage, a couple can fight about anything, but then they can make love and soothe the bad feelings... sort of like a rebirth.. a forgiving ritual. But when you are deprived of even that, bitterness and resentment and desperation accumulate. I have a husband who is a good guy, great father, good provider, but I have no lover. I'm angry about the wasted years, the years I could have been loving, but spent agonizing about why I was being deprived. It's so much more than sex. It's feeling wanted, and sexy and desired by the man that you are committed to for life.
As you can see, women have no corner on the low libido market. Maybe you're asking yourself, "If low sexual desire in men is commonplace, why are they so closed-mouthed about it?" That's a good question. When a woman lacks sexual desire, although it may be troubling to her, she's not likely to start questioning the core of her femininity. After all, she's almost supposed to have "headaches". Men, on the other hand, are thought to have only three things on their minds- sex, sex and more sex. To be disinterested in sex is to feel less than a man. Just thinking about low libido- let alone talking about it- strikes terror in men because it threatens the very foundation upon which their feelings of self-worth are based. No wonder they're tight-lipped. But make no mistake about it. There are millions of people- both women and men -who just don't feel turned on.
Now, it would one thing if these lustless men and women were married to each other; they could agree to go off into the sunset, basking in platonic bliss. But, as fate would have it, it rarely works that way. People with low sexual desire are generally married to partners who desperately yearn for more sexuality, intimacy, physical closeness, and connection. And this chasm between them- a desire discrepancy- spells trouble. How do I know?
I've been a marriage therapist for two decades. I've been privileged to hear the real stories of people's lives- the joys, the pain, the challenges, the payoffs. I've had a bird's eye view of what truly happens to marriages in which one spouse has little or no desire for sex and the other yearns for it desperately. I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that a marriage void of sexuality and intimacy is a marriage doomed to fail. Take Debra and Tom, for example.
When I met Debra and Tom, they had been married for ten years and had two sons, ages eight and five. They were strikingly handsome individuals, devoted parents, financially well off, in good health, and were surrounded by loving and attentive friends and family. It's easy to understand why outsiders believed that they were the perfect couple. Yet, despite all of this, their marriage was precipitously close to ending.
Debra spent much of our time together in counseling complaining about Tom; he was angry all the time and impatient with everyone in the family. His short-temperedness was like poison to her soul. He snapped at her over the littlest things. He yelled at the kids "for just being kids." According to Debra, everyone always felt as if they were walking on eggshells.
Debra also complained of Tom's lack of involvement at home. "He never seems to want to do anything as a couple or even as a family anymore. It's as if he's given up on our marriage," she said. "He never talks to me or even asks how my day was."
Tom had no shortage of negative things to report about their marriage either. He was quick to tell me that he didn't like being around Debra because all she ever did was complain. Whether he was completing a home-improvement project or helping the kids with homework, Tom felt that Debra always found fault with him.
Tom also talked about a deep disappointment in Debra as a companion. He wistfully recalled their early years of marriage, "She used to be fun to be with. She had a great sense of humor. She made me feel like I was the funniest man in the world. Now, everything is serious." And after a moment of silence he added, "We don't have anything in common any more. She does her thing, and I do mine. At this point, I actually prefer it that way."
We met for several sessions and very little changed. I was unable to help Debra and Tom find their way out of the exasperating labyrinth of blame versus counterblame. They were both more intent on being right than finding solutions to their long-standing problems. Nonetheless, Debra and Tom still claimed that they wanted to stay together. Yet, I could see that unless something drastic changed, they were headed for marital disaster. Confused, I asked the couple, "What's the glue holding the two of you together?" and Tom's response offered the first real inkling of what had been really troubling them and why they had been so stuck.
Tom's tone softened considerably as he spoke. "I've given this a lot of thought and besides staying together for the sake of our boys, I think I'm still holding out hope that some day we'll be able to recreate some of the feelings we had earlier in our marriage." And Tom proceeded to describe what he saw as the progressive unraveling of their intimate relationship.
Tom said that when they first married, he was passionately in love with Debra and found her irresistibly attractive. Their sex life was wonderful; they made love frequently and he felt extremely close to her. His ability to satisfy Debra sexually made him feel good about himself as a lover and as her life partner. He recalled how their close sexual relationship reverberated throughout the rest of their marriage. They often snuggled on the couch while watching television, held hands when they walked, and kissed each other affectionately. He loved their time together. Tom felt that Debra was his best friend. But all that changed after the birth of their first child.
Debra had become extremely focused on her new role as mother, and when she wasn't caring for their baby, she felt fatigued. Sleep- not sex- was the only thing Debra found herself craving. Tom's need for companionship and intimacy was not one of Debra's top priorities. In fact, to hear Tom tell it, his needs were not a consideration for Debra at all.
Initially, when he felt hurt about this change in their lives, he spoke to Debra about his feelings. He told her that he didn't feel important anymore. He wondered why she wasn't into sex. He kept asking, "What's wrong? Did I do something wrong? Aren't you attracted to me anymore?"
But because Debra was sleep-deprived, hormonally-altered, and overworked, she found herself having little compassion for her husband's feelings. In fact, she commented, "I couldn't believe he was complaining. I had so much to do with very little help from him. I felt like I had two babies, not one. It just seemed like he was jealous of our child and I found that unfathomable. I never thought the man I married would be so selfish. After a day of taking care of our son's physical needs, the last thing I felt like doing was having one more person's needs to think about. I needed to think about me."
As years passed, Debra's repeated rejections of her husband's advances hurt and angered Tom, and as a result, he stopped investing energy into their marriage. He focused on himself, his work and his friends. And the more he distanced himself, the less inclined Debra felt to touch or kiss Tom, let alone have sex with him. "After all," she told herself, "why should I have sex when I don't feel close to him at all?" Now, their infrequent sexual encounters, too often tainted by feelings of resentment and hurt, left them both feeling empty.
Finally, I understood the painful roadblocks we encountered in our sessions. Their incessant blaming, their lack of empathy for each other's feelings, their cold, inflexible body language that permeated our sessions now made complete sense. Their marriage had become sex-starved.
If you're asking yourself, "Now what does that mean,?" I can see why. After all, the phrase, "sex-starved" typically refers to a person, not a relationship. Sex-starved people are generally thought of in one of two ways; they're either so highly sexed that sexual satisfaction is a moving target, or they're people who, for a variety of reasons, haven't had sex in a such a long time, they're obsessed with it. But a sex-starved marriage is different.
Contrary to what you might be thinking, saying a marriage is sex-starved tells you virtually nothing about how much or how little sex a couple is actually having. It's not just about sexless couples who have slept in separate bedrooms for years. In fact, it includes couples who, according to national surveys have an "average" amount of sex each month. It's not about numbers. Since, unlike vitamins, there are no recommended daily requirements to insure a healthy sex life, a sex-starved marriage is more about the fallout that occurs when one spouse is deeply unhappy with his/her sexual relationship and this unhappiness is ignored, minimized, or dismissed. The resulting disintegration of the relationship encapsulates the real meaning of a sex-starved marriage.
Sex is an extremely important part of marriage. When it's good, it offers couples opportunities to give and receive physical pleasure, to connect emotionally and spiritually. It builds closeness, intimacy and a sense of partnership. It defines their relationship as different from all others. In short, sex is a powerful tie that binds.
As with Debra and Tom, when one spouse isn't interested in sex, the touching, kissing, and other forms of physical affection and intimacy often drop out as well. Spouses distance from each other emotionally. They carry on their lives together in much the same way that two toddlers might engage in parallel play- involved in similar activities in close proximity, but without meaningful connection. Marriage becomes mechanical. Friendship often evaporates. Anger bubbles just below the surface. Misunderstandings abound. Emotional divorce becomes inevitable.
More highly sexed partners such as Tom feel confused and cheated by their spouses' lack of interest in their sex lives and try to figure out what's at the root of their partners' rejections. Unfortunately, they often assume the worst- "My wife isn't attracted to me," or "He must be having an affair," or "The kids' needs are more important than mine."
When people believe that their spouses aren't attracted to them, that their marriages or their feelings aren't important, or that an affair is brewing, they feel rejected, suspicious, hurt, resentful, and unloved. They start doubting themselves and their abilities to satisfy their spouses. They often feel deeply depressed about the void in their marriages.
When they try to explain these feelings to their partners, their explanations are often flatly dismissed. "You don't have the need to feel closer to me, you're just a sex maniac," or "If you would have to go to work in the real world rather than be home with the kids, you would understand why I'm so tired all the time," or "If you weren't so controlling, you would just accept that I'm not as physical as you are and you would leave me alone,!" or "It's only sex, what's the big deal?"
However, to someone like Tom- the partner yearning for a better sexual relationship- being lovers is a big deal. It's much more than mere physical pleasure. It's connection, intimacy, closeness, and affection. It's about feeling attractive, feeling masculine/feminine, and feeling whole as a person. It's about being in love. It's about a feeling of oneness.
But since people with low sexual desire aren't hungering for a sexual connection, they're not overly empathetic to their spouses' feelings and do little to make significant changes in their relationships.
Eventually, feelings of rejection become increasingly difficult to manage. Sadness turns to anger. Those yearning for more physical closeness vacillate between being distant and unpleasant. And although these behaviors are merely symptoms of underlying hurt, people with low sexual desire don't perceive their spouses' behavior quite so benevolently. Empathy is in short supply. Arguments about sex, or the lack of it, become the norm. Blame-slinging disagreements add to the already icy distance between spouses. Then, like a runaway train, it's not long before their bitterness and animosity collide head-on with every other aspect of their relationship. Nothing seems right anymore.
Does any of this sound familiar to you? Have you felt starved for a better sexual relationship with your spouse? Are you desperately yearning to be touched, held, fondled and caressed? Have your pleas for closeness and more sexual connection fallen upon deaf ears? Do you tell yourself that your spouse will never understand your sexual needs? Do you sometimes feel defeated, times when you've considered divorce or satisfying your needs for sexuality and intimacy outside your marriage?
Or on the other hand…
Are you someone whose sexual desire has plummeted out of sight? Do you feel mystified by your apparent disinterest in sex? Are you frustrated and angry about the never-ending arguments with your spouse? Has disappointment and hurt between you made intimacy an even less likely prospect? Or, do you find yourself wishing that this whole "sex thing" would stop ruining your otherwise decent marriage?
If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, I implore you to keep reading because your marriage is at risk. Unsatisfying sexual relationships are the all-too-frequent causes of alienation, infidelity and divorce. Given our sobering divorce rate- one out of every two marriages dies- you can not afford to be complaisant about the wedge that is between you and your spouse. You need to address this very important aspect of your relationship and you need to do it now!
But I'm just not in the mood.
If you have little or no appetite for sex, you might be thinking, "This my spouse's problem. Why should I put energy into our sexual relationship if I don't really desire sex?" There are lots of good reasons. Let's talk turkey.
I mentioned before that I've been a marriage therapist for a very long time and I can tell you without hesitation that if you continue to look at the differences in your levels of sexual desire as your spouse's problem rather than as a couple's problem, you are courting disaster. Unless your spouse is super-human with morals made of steel, s/he may not be willing to resist the temptation of having an extra-marital affair. Late nights at the office with a seductive co-worker, an attentive ear, effusive ego-building compliments may be just the kindling your spouse needs to start a fiery sexual relationship with someone other than you. And if you haven't experienced infidelity, it's not something you want to do. Having an unfaithful spouse is right up there on the short list of life's worst experiences. It's incredibly painful. Couples in my practice often tell me that healing from infidelity is one of the most challenging feats they've ever accomplished.
I tell you this not to scare you or make you feel threatened. I'm on your side. I want to you to be fully informed about what your spouse might be feeling or thinking so that you can prevent unnecessary heartache. I also urge you to consider the unfairness of the tacit agreement you have had with your spouse so clearly pointed out in Dr. Pat Love's excellent book, The Truth about Love. It goes something like this: "I know you're sexually unhappy. Although I don't plan on doing anything about it, I still expect you to remain faithful." Hello, can you see what's wrong with this picture?
Besides averting infidelity, there are other reasons you should consider making sexuality a more important aspect of your life. If you're like many people who are lukewarm toward or even turned off to sex, relationship issues might be a big part of what's standing in the way of your wanting to be close physically. For you, emotional disconnection to your spouse is a real libido buster.
If so, you need to know that once you start paying more attention to your sexual relationship, your spouse will become a happier person. And what does that have to do with feeling closer to your spouse emotionally? Only everything. Happy people are more enjoyable to be around. They're nicer, more thoughtful, kinder, more loving, affectionate and more communicative. It's a simple law of human nature. When you show your caring to your more highly sexed spouse by making sex a bigger priority in your marriage, s/he will appreciate your efforts and become more caring towards you. You will see it in his or her eyes. You'll start getting love notes and witness random acts of kindness. Your spouse will begin to open up and be decidedly more interested in you as a person. He'll stop what he's doing to hear about something you find interesting on television. She will notice your strengths rather than criticize. He will agree to go shopping with you to the mall. She'll give her blessings to that boy's night out for which you've been hankering. In short, a miracle will happen. It will take you back to the times in your relationship when everything was clicking.
And besides feeling closer to your spouse, there is another major perk to becoming more sexual- even if you aren't completely in the mood! You might discover something totally unexpected- your sexual appetite hasn't really vanished, it was merely camouflaged! Although I will explain this to you in greater detail in the next chapter, you need to know about some exciting new research. Up until now, many experts in the field of human sexuality assumed that all people experience sexual desire in a similar way- something (a sensual person, a revealing photo, an article of clothing, a scent, romantic or seductive words) triggers a sexy thought or fantasy that, in turn, triggers an urge to act - to become sexual with your partner or engage in self-pleasure. Sexual stimulation then leads to arousal.
But some experts are beginning to question this one-size-fits-all perspective on sexual desire. In fact, they're noticing that for some people, sexual desire- the urge to become sexual- doesn't precede feeling aroused, it actually follows it. In other words, though you may rarely (or never) find yourself fantasizing about sex or feeling a sexual urge, if you're open to becoming sexual with your spouse, you will often find the sexual stimulation pleasurable and therefore feel the urge or desire to continue. Hence, sexual desire. If this sounds vaguely familiar, you may be one of those people whose interest in sex doesn't kick in until you've been physically stimulated and your body, rather than your mind, tells you it's time. Your desire to be sexual only happens once the right physical buttons have been pushed. Then, you start to feel the urge. (Basson, Levine)
I, for one, am extremely excited by this new view of things because it describes to a tee what I've been observing in my practice for years. I wish I had a dollar for each time a person with little interest in sex has told me, "I really wasn't in the mood for sex at all because _______ (I had so much on my mind, We weren't on the best of terms with each other, It was too early in the morning, It was the wrong time of month), but once we got started, it was fun. I really enjoyed it." Eventually, rather than spend an inordinate amount of time analyzing the causes for the absence of sexual thoughts and fantasies, I started to experiment with coaching people to get their feet moving, even if their heads and hearts were someplace else.
At first, many were understandably cautious about my Nike-style approach to their sex life; the "Just Do It" advice ran counter to everything they had believed about how sexual desire unfolds. But I persisted and I'm glad I did because the results spoke for themselves. To begin with, I could often see the relief on people's faces when they learned that their lack of "out-of-the-blue" sexual urges didn't necessarily signify a problem. It didn't mean there was something wrong with them, or that something was missing from their marriages. It just meant that they experienced desire differently.
Secondly, when those who do not experience spontaneous lust really took to heart the idea that they weren't flawed, desireless, or sexually-apathetic people, their self-concept shifted considerably. "After all," they told themselves, "once I get going, I guess I really get going." This allowed them to see themselves as more sexual, desirable and sensual people, which not surprisingly, often led to more frequent and satisfying sexual encounters.
But perhaps you're thinking, "Just do it? That's sounds way too simple to me," or "Even if I get going, nothing happens," or "I just don't have orgasms anymore and that's why sex holds no interest for me." Unfortunately, sometimes, as you are about to learn in Chapter Two, feeling more sexual isn't just a matter of getting your feet moving. Your reasons for feeling disinterested might be considerably more complicated than that. A healthy sex drive is dependent on a number of complex and often interacting factors. There are many things- fluctuating hormones, medications (even birth control bills!), and illnesses- that can greatly affect how you feel about being physical with your spouse. In Chapter Two, I will identify the main contributing factors to low sexual desire to help you understand your feelings better.
Having said that, I want to caution you about something that is very important. Knowing why you're not so interested in sex, won't boost your desire one bit. Doing something about it will. I know many people who become experts on why they've been avoiding physical contact with their spouses while their sex lives continue to go down the tubes. So, though it's extremely important for you to identify the potential causes of your lack of desire, I think it's even more important that you commit to doing something with the information you uncover, regardless of what that might be. And since the truth is, bringing back passion is not a precise science, it's more of a trial-and-error process, you need to commit the "Do What Works" philosophy. Experiment, watch what happens and keep on going until you find something that works.
You see, as unromantic as it might sound, even for your more highly sexed spouse, once the intense physical attraction characteristic of early relationships wears off (and it always does), desire is really a decision. You have to decide to make having a vibrant, exciting, emotionally-satisfying sexual relationship a priority. You have to continually discover and rediscover new ways to keep your sexual energy alive. You must consciously work at understanding and keeping up with the changes in your body, your marriage and the day-to-day demands of your life so that you can keep on reinventing your intimate relationship when it grows stale. It doesn't just happen. You have to make it happen.
With that in mind, you should congratulate yourself right now. There are millions of people in your shoes who a) are too busy sweeping things under the carpet to acknowledge there's a problem, or b) simply don't care about their passionless marriages to be reading this book. Instead, they'd be focusing on their spouse's angry behavior and feeling justified for being abstinent for the rest of their lives. So, you're way ahead of the game. Good for you!
Perhaps you're ready to take your marriage to a better, more loving place. Perhaps you're starting to wonder whether your little inner voice, the one that whispers, "I'm just not a sexual person," may be completely off base. Although you feel somewhat certain that you may never be someone who swings from chandeliers or thinks that sex is the most important thing in the world, you're starting to question whether a satisfying sex life is still within your reach. It is. You just have to believe it is and then take steps to make it happen. I will show you the way.
The high desire spouse.
If you're the person who's been hungering for a better sex life, I wouldn't be surprised if you're feeling relieved right now because up until you got your hands on this book, you've felt like the forgotten spouse. You've been frustrated by the fact that a great deal of the information available about low sexual desire is geared toward your spouse. And perhaps you've pondered the irony in the fact that the preponderance of help for low sexual desire is aimed at people who may not even see it as a problem! That's like writing books for people who are overweight or depressed but feel perfectly content with the way they are. What's the use in there being valuable information if the people who could benefit from it don't think they need it? That might explain why the piles of books or articles that you've given your spouse on the topic of low sexual desire have become nothing more than an impressive collection of dust collectors.
If your spouse hasn't been very receptive to the idea of improving your sex life, you probably have been feeling frustrated and powerless. You shudder at the thought that that your spouse has been calling all the shots when it comes to lovemaking. But the truth is, more than anything, you have been feeling rejected, hurt and alone. And now, as you read this book, my guess is that you probably feel comforted that someone is putting your feelings into words.
However, just when you start to think, "See, I told you so, I'm right about our sex life," you shouldn't get smug. Do yourself a favor and don't indulge in this sort of self-righteous reflection. Not only is it sorely short-sighted, it's just plain wrong. Even if your spouse's lack of interest in sex stems from personal or physiological causes, you're still not exempt from examining your role in your less-than-satisfying marriage.
As someone who specializes in working with couples, I can tell you without hesitation that problems in marriage are almost always due to the ways in which both spouses handle challenging situations. When it comes to your sexual differences, if you have been feeling hurt or rejected, I can safely predict that your approach to your desire gap has been less than sterling. Feelings of hurt and rejection often lead to defensiveness, not collaborative solutions. You will need to examine what you've been thinking, feeling, doing, and saying that might be backfiring; pushing your spouse away rather than bringing him/her closer. You need to become a less reactive, more effective catalyst for positive relationship change. But how?
First of all, you need to understand the real causes of low sexual desire. Why? Because your favorite theories about your spouse's behavior are probably destructive and inaccurate. For example, you might be thinking that your spouse has been withholding affection out a lack of love for you. A person's sex drive may have little or nothing to do with their level of love for their spouse. In fact, your spouse may love you completely, with all her/his heart and soul, and yet still not desire sex.
Or you might believe your spouse is avoiding intimacy out of mean-spiritedness or vindictiveness. Although a lack of interest in sex has varied causes, generally speaking, the intentional desire to impose pain isn't one of them. Your spouse isn't trying to hurt you on purpose. When you truly take this to heart, it will take the sting out of your reactions to him/ her.
Once you stop recycling inaccurate theories about your spouse, you will become more clear-headed, enabling you to educate yourself with the concrete, reliable information about low sexual desire in this book. This, in turn, will offer you greater understanding and empathy which will allow you to more readily apply the proven passion-restoring techniques I will share with you.
Secondly, since I've been helping couples improve their marriages for years, I have a pretty good idea about which strategies work and which ones don't. And oddly enough, sometimes the most logical, straightforward approaches to relationship dilemmas simply don't work. That's why I want to offer you a brand new passion-building toolkit filled with ideas that have been "field-tested" so that you can make your marriage more loving and satisfying. I want to coach you to find better ways to achieve greater intimacy and connection with that most important person in your life.
Doing it together.
Maybe you've noticed that up until now I've been talking to one spouse or the other, not both. That's because it is often the case that one spouse is more motivated than the other to read a self-help book or consciously participate in marriage-improving activities. If that's true in your marriage, don't despair. I've learned that marriages can change and grow tremendously even if only one spouse is actively working on things. You'll learn a great deal about this later, but relationships are such that if one person changes, the relationship must change. You just need one person who's willing to tip over the first domino.
But your marriage might be different. Maybe you and your spouse actually agree that your sex life needs some more pizazz. In fact, maybe you've decided to read this book together. If so, that's great! (Why not buy two? ?) You'll learn a lot and you'll be able to use what you learn as a launching point for constructive discussion. And that will be a good thing because it is too often the case that when couples experience sexual difficulties, they suffer in silence. They avoid talking about sex openly and honestly because it is just too uncomfortable and embarrassing.
And that's too bad because most people are pretty lousy mind-readers, especially when it comes to sexual fulfillment. We don't know what our partners need and want unless they teach us. Many serious problems with sexuality can be traced to poor or non-existent communication skills around this sensitive subject. So, I'm going to get you talking. Talking and touching. The Sex-Starved Marriage will offer you specific guidelines for approaching the lull in your sex life as a team.
But whether the book is used in tandem or alone, one thing is certain- improving a sexual relationship means that both spouses must change.
If you're the spouse whose libido has been lacking, you need to recognize that the most powerful sexual organ in the human body is the one between your ears; that in order to feel more sexual, as I said before, you first have to decide that a loving, satisfying sex life is important. Then, you need to make a commitment to explore your untapped sexuality to find the siren within. As the spouse with greater sexual energy, you need to approach your partner with greater understanding, compassion and wisdom, and learn skills that will lead to improved communication, compromise, and acceptance. And The Sex-Starved Marriage- the couples' manual for overcoming low sexual desire- will show you how, rather than fight about your differences, to become loving allies in your search for solutions.
Labels: marriage-sex
3 Strategies to Revive Your Sex Life
by Michele Weiner Davis
There's no getting around it; sex is a vital part of most marriages. So what happens when one or more parties lose interest -- or never had it to begin with? Research says these unions are more likely to fail. (After money, sex is the number one reason couples divorce.) But it doesn't have to get that far. In her book The Sex-Starved Marriage, Michele Weiner Davis suggests three strategies for improving your sex life and preserving your relationship.
The Do-It-Yourself Solution
No matter how much your spouse loves you or wants to please you, s/he might never have the same sex drive as you. Therefore, it's unreasonable for you to expect your spouse to be at your beck and call every time you feel sexual. You need to take responsibility for satisfying your own needs from time to time. In all likelihood, you are already doing this, and you don't need me to tell you to do it. However, you might be feeling resentful about it, and that's not fair. Although it is my hope that your spouse will invest more energy into your sexual relationship, there will still be times when you're ready to roll and s/he isn't. That's normal, and you need to accept it. As long as your spouse is making more of an effort to understand and care for you and your needs, you need to work harder at accepting your differences. And part of this acceptance entails taking care of yourself occasionally and feeling fine about it. This will be easier for you to do once you truly feel your spouse cares about you and your feelings. And hopefully, if that isn't happening already, it will, very soon.
Variety Is the Spice of Life
Perhaps your sex life has become routine. Boredom is an industrial-strength sexual desire dampener. Even the most highly sexed person can begin to feel ho-hum about sex if it's always the same old thing. If this rings true of your sexual relationship, it might be time for you to try to spice things up a bit. You need to be creative to avoid sexual boredom. Try a new location, rent a hotel room, experiment with new positions, buy new lingerie, rent a sexy video, try a hot bath, candles and a massage. Cast your inhibitions to the wind.
Kellie complained that she was losing desire because she was having trouble feeling aroused. It took her considerably longer to have an orgasm, and when she did, it wasn't as strong as orgasms had been in the past. She found herself feeling more and more disinterested each time her husband approached her. She wondered if it was because of her age -- she was fifty-two -- and whether she should consider taking hormone supplements.
Kellie was menopausal, and it was entirely possible that biological causes were at the root of her sexual difficulties and lack of desire. However, I also wondered about the quality of her sexual relationship with her husband. Kellie confessed to feeling bored. Their lovemaking had become routine and unexciting. Because her mind would drift during their sexual encounters, she found it challenging to maintain feelings of arousal.
I suggested that she talk to her husband about her feelings and for them to plan ways to introduce some novelty into their time together. Kellie discussed what had turned her on in the past -- dressing up, varied positions and locations in their home -- and agreed to start doing that again. When Kellie returned that following week, she reported that she had no problems with arousal. She had several strong orgasms, just like in the good old days. Apparently, getting out of their sexual rut was just what the doctor ordered.
If All Else Fails, Be Brutally Honest
I've worked with countless couples where one spouse was so dissatisfied with their sexual relationship that eventually s/he decided to have an affair or leave the marriage. You might be thinking of these alternatives too. Affairs and divorce are lousy solutions. Even if an affair satisfies you temporarily (and it might; newness is a great aphrodisiac), it will only create more problems in the long run. Although an affair can serve as a wake-up call to the low-desire spouse, you can't always count on this. Affairs can also destroy your marriage. And even if your marriage survives, the pain an affair causes is immeasurable.
Divorce isn't a good solution either. It destroys families forever. Plus, if you run from your problems rather than work them out, you might find a more sexually compatible spouse, but since no relationship is problem free, you'll find yourself with a new set of problems in no time flat. The grass truly isn't greener on the other side, even if the other side is more sexually attractive.
However, as the more highly sexed person, you might be at the end of your rope. You might be fantasizing about someone else or about packing your bags and leaving. Before you decide to have an affair or leave, I implore you to make sure your spouse knows in no uncertain terms the seriousness of the situation. Make certain s/he understands what will happen if nothing changes. Don't threaten in the heat of an argument. Don't say nasty things. Don't blame. Don't criticize. Just tell your spouse calmly (or write a letter) that because of the differences in your sexual appetite, you are so unhappy that you are considering doing something you really don't want to do. Spell out what you've been thinking about. Tell your spouse that this is not a threat, but that you are so desperate, you don't know what else to do. Ask your partner one more time to seek help. Then wait and see what happens.
Reprinted with permission from The Sex-Starved Marriage. Copyright © 2004 by Michele Weiner Davis (Simon & Schuster, New York, NY).
Labels: marriage-sex
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Sex doesn't have to get boring in marriage. As the years go by, your sex life should get better. Here are some ways to keep your marriage and sex life fresh.
Difficulty: Average
Time Required: varies
Here's How:
Communication is the key to a healthy and active sex life in a marital relationship, so talk with one another more!
Share with one another your sexual desires.
Talk with one another about your expectations concerning lovemaking. False or unmet expectations can hurt your marriage.
Sexual intimacy is a continuing process of discovery. True intimacy through communication is what makes sex great.
Sex in a long lasting relationship can deepen and become a richer experience. No matter how many times you have made love to each other, the wonder and awe of mutual attraction can still be there.
When life becomes busy, and schedules are hectic, plan for sexual encounters with one another. Make sex one of your main priorities.
Try to set the mood in advance.
If you want to have good sex at night, start the foreplay in the morning.
Let your spouse know you care and are thinking about him/her throughout the day by notes, e-mails, phone calls, hugs, etc.
Tips:
Being grouchy all day or ignoring your spouse during the day hurts your chances of having a positive lovemaking experience that evening.
Remember that sex isn't going to be perfect each time. Don't compare your sex life to the ones you see in movies or on television.
Recognize that abstinence now and then can be beneficial to your relationship if you start to lust after one another more.
What You Need:
Good Communication
Love for Each Other
Willingness to Make Time for Each Other
Labels: marriage-sex
