How to Have a Happy and Successful Marriage
The Rules of Marriage as Determined by You and Your Spouse
By Scott Kessman
Many have wondered what the secret is to a happy and successful marriage. They have asked family and friends, sages and gurus. They have sought the answers in religion and romance movies, in dreams and in snatches of conversation overheard from strangers.
The simple truth is there is no universal secret. There is no standardized set of governing rules set in place to ensure a happy and successful marriage. The solid, simple truth is, your marriage is what you make it, and any rules governing marital behavior should be determined only by you and your spouse.
Of course, there are some common sense items that need to be invoked, such as open and honest communication between you and your spouse, no cheating on your spouse, etc. But these are not the rules I'm referring to in this article. The rules I intend to discuss pertain more so to the various perceptions of a proper marriage as dictated by family and friends, who all have their own views on marriage and will happily share their wisdom with you as though they were the keepers of great knowledge.
A large problem I see with the concept of marriage is the actual meaning of marriage as shared by much of the population. Too many view the ritual of marriage as a form of success and status that must be attained by a certain age, thereafter followed by children as the next logical step. Many of you have undoubtedly uttered to yourself or to acquaintances that you will soon be a certain age, so perhaps it is time to get married soon.
If that is what you think, then I'm afraid you are looking to get married for the wrong reasons. Marriage at any age should be about strengthening the bonds of love, and pledging yourself wholly to someone else who feels the same way about you. One should not be seeking marriage; one should be seeking someone to love, followed by marriage.
As you reach a certain age, you will undoubtedly feel pressure from family and friends to settle down and get married, especially if many around you have already tied the knot. Religions often promote marriage for the sole purpose of starting a family, with less emphasis on love.
Labels: marriage
Love Is Not Enough to Make a Marriage Good
I Love You More: How Everyday Problems Can Strengthen Your Marriage
by Les Parrott III, Ph.D., Dr. Leslie Parrott
(Page 2 of 2)
It's a rare week when our postman in Seattle does not deliver a wedding invitation to our door. Because we work with so many engaged couples through our teaching, seminars, and counseling, we get invited to more weddings than we can ever attend. And the ones we do attend always remind us how glorious the beginning of lifelong love is. We stand up with this individual and make a declaration in front of friends and family concerning the convincing nature of our love and how it will endure a lifetime. We vow right then and there to dedicate the rest of our lives to the pursuit, discovery, testing, enjoying, and continual renewal of this love. We are so convinced of the enduring quality of this good love that we stake our very lives on it. We vow to love "until death do us part."
Without love there would be no wedding, and certainly no marriage. Love is the catalyst for commitment. Love is what insures that every marriage starts out good. But sooner or later every good marriage bumps into negative things. And that's when honest couples discover that love, no matter how good, is never enough.
For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.
Rainer Marie Rilke
Let's make this clear: We all entered marriage confident our union would not simply survive but thrive. Our confidence was built and bolstered by our love. But here's the kicker: One cannot completely guard one's love against the things that diminish it (not even Sheldon and Davy could do that). What's more, love in itself is seldom sturdy enough to support a couple when they inevitably run into bad things. In fact, the loss of love is given as a major reason for marital dissolution. Love, while being a good catalyst for marriage, cannot sustain it alone.
We have counseled countless couples who cling to the sentimental romantic notion of love expressed in songs, movies, and novels. It is a notion that leads most of us into a destructive marital myth that says, Everything good in this relationship should get better in time. But the truth is, not everything gets better. Many things improve because of marriage, but some things become more difficult. Every successful marriage, for example, requires necessary losses. For starters, marriage means coming to terms with new limits on one's independence. It means giving up a carefree lifestyle. Even to people who have dreamed for years about getting married and who think of themselves as hating to be alone, marriage still cannot help but come as an invasion of privacy and independence. No one has ever been married without being surprised at the sheer intensity of this invasion. And so, for many, they run into their first real challenge to love. But it will not be their last.
What greater thing is there for two human souls than to feel that they are joined for life — to strengthen each other in all labor, to rest on each other in all sorrow, to minister to each other in all pain.
George Eliot
Like two weary soldiers taking cover in a bunker, every couple is bewildered by constant assaults to their love life. Marriage is continually bombarded by unpredictable instances that interfere with being the kind of lovers we want to be. We are torn apart by busy schedules, by words we wish we could take back, and in short, by not giving all that love demands.
"Love asks for everything," writes Mike Mason. "Not just for a little bit, or a whole lot, but for everything." And how hard it is to give everything! Indeed, it is impossible. We can establish a Shining Barrier or make a symbolic gesture of giving all, even declare it quite dramatically at a wedding ceremony, but that is just a start, a mere message of intention. It is only when we move beyond the "moon of honey," as the French put it, that our love is truly tested. And no one, no matter how loving, can stand up to the test of not only giving everything one owns but everything one is. Be certain of this: You and your spouse will fail at love. Why? Because no mere mortal can ever live by romantic love alone.
Husbands and wives get hurt in love. Bad things happen. Nevertheless, for the couple who is able to accept that not everything good gets better in marriage and who matures together in love, there is a great surprise in store: their marriage, though bandied about by a myriad of bad things, can remain good, or at the very least get good once more.
What Makes a Marriage Good?
Passion, though a bad regulator,
is a powerful spring.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Ask most people this question and you'll undoubtedly hear something about love. But ask those who have given it serious thought, who have dedicated themselves to study and research of the topic, and you'll hear a different answer. Better yet, ask this question of couples who have a good marriage in spite of everything they've encountered, and you'll hear the answer that matters most. That's what we did, and it became the reason for writing this book. Here's what they told us: A good marriage is built by two people's capacity to adjust to negative things. In survey after survey, when we asked couples to crystallize their thoughts on what makes a marriage successful, that was their answer. And when we pushed them to flesh out that answer, we learned the secrets these smart couples hold.
A good marriage is made up of . . . two people who take ownership for the good as well as the bad. They are a responsible couple.
A good marriage is made up of . . . two people believing good wins over bad. They are a hopeful couple.
A good marriage is made up of . . . two people walking in each other's shoes. They are an empathic couple.
A good marriage is made up of . . . two people healing the hurts they don't deserve. They are a forgiving couple.
A good marriage is made up of . . . two people living the love they promise. They are a committed couple
Labels: marriage
by Emuna Braverman
Effective communication means verbalizing needs and listening carefully.
It can't be stated often enough.If you don't have a healthy way of expressing your thoughts and emotions to each other, of speaking and being heard, then everything else will ultimately crumble.
In order to have a successful marriage you have to make yourself an expert in communication.You have to try to understand what your partner is saying on a simple level as well as try to analyze the underlying message or desire.
The last thing a woman wants to hear when she complains about her weight is a suggestion for a new diet plan.
For example, the last thing a woman wants to hear when she complains about her weight is a suggestion for a new diet plan.Actually the last thing she probably wants to hear is, "Yes dear, you do need to slim down a little!"
Nor does she want just a sympathetic ear (just when a man thinks he's mastered the art of good listening).What she really wants is for her husband to say, "You look terrific!" "You look thin!" "You look so young!"
Having said that it is important to look at what Virginia Satir calls the "metacommunication." This is the underlying message, the motivation behind the communication. We all need to be amateur psychologists and try to figure out what our partner really wants. For example, when Susan tells her husband that she isn't feeling well, that may be her way of saying "could you drive the children to ice skating lessons today dear?" or it may be her way of expressing a need for more attention from her spouse. As I'm about to illustrate we can't all be mind readers, but it is important to try to focus not just on the words being said, but what may possibly be implied as well.
It is important to hear what your spouse is really saying, but it is also important for the other side to give clues.
We shouldn't expect our mates to intuit our needs nor rely on some level of divine inspiration. If there's a special necklace you want for your birthday, point it out to your husband.It will save him the agony of choosing and spare you both needless pain.It works both ways -- maybe he doesn't want socks this year.
TELL YOUR PARTNER WHAT YOU WANT
Joe is the romantic type.Every week after he got engaged he brought his fiancee flowers.He even sent her flowers every day of the week before their wedding.
He continued this practice a number of years into their marriage.
Finally Emily, his wife, ever the unsentimental and practical one, spoke up."You know Joe, I really love you and I like that you want to bring me flowers.But I actually don't like flowers that much.And besides, they die so soon after that I feel like we've wasted our money.I'd rather you saved up for a more lasting gift."
If we want something, we need to say it.
Luckily this is a very trivial example.But being able to express yourself in the small areas will lead to open discussion in the big areas as well.If we want something, we need to say it.
It sounds so obvious, but how many hurt and angry couples come in for counseling saying "he should have known..." or "she should have realized..."?How should he have known? How should she have realized?Did you tell him/her?
DON'T RELY ON INTUITION
I have a friend who never makes grocery lists.She goes to the supermarket and relies on her intuition.This led to, at one point, 12 jars of mustard in her refrigerator.
This approach to life has relatively little impact on her, other than maybe leading to excessive consumption of hot dogs, but in marriage it could be disastrous.
This approach could be disastrous in a marriage.
Don't rely on your intuition. Ask. Don't rely on his/her intuition.Tell.
"You knew I wasn't feeling well.Why didn't you offer to make dinner? "This and many similar dialogues often lead to tension around the home.Yet the solution is so simple. "I'm really not feeling well dear. Would you mind making dinner?"
It is a common assumption that prophetic power is proof of your spouse's undying love and devotion.Let's destroy that myth right now.Tell your spouse what you want.His or her thoughtful response to your explicitly expressed needs is a sign of commitment.
While we're on the topic, don't ask for signs or proofs.It will get you in trouble. Everyone expresses their caring and develops their love in differing ways and at varying rates. A confrontation over "do you love me?" will be just that -- a confrontation. Express yourself in a way that shows understanding of your spouse's personality and he will respond in kind.
Perhaps the most essential quality for good communication in any relationship, and particularly in a marriage, is to be a good listener.
Take a minute to ask yourself if you listen attentively when your partner speaks.Or is your mind on tonight's dinner, tomorrow's business meeting, Bloomingdale's sale ... Do you comprehend clearly what you mate is saying?
LISTEN TO YOUR PARTNER
Sometimes when my husband and I are quarreling, he'll stop me in the middle to say: "What am I saying, and what are you saying, and what's the difference? "It's infuriating but effective.
Frequently I find that I've been so caught up in hearing myself talk or the passion of the moment that I haven't really been listening.I'm amazed to discover that our positions aren't that far apart, in fact they're not apart at all.
I've been so caught up in hearing myself talk that I haven't really been listening.
If this is a difficult issue for you it sometimes helps to establish structure.You could set aside a time where you are required to listen to your mate without interrupting for 10 minutes.Don't plan your defense or rebuttal.Just listen. You'll be surprised at how much you'll learn and when it's your turn you'll realize a unique pleasure in being able to express yourself freely.
Another technique psychologists favor is called active listening.There are many variations on this theme but the basic style is mirroring back what your partner says."I hear you saying..."
Keep doing it until you get it right. Maybe many of your misunderstandings are because your heard your partner wrong the first time, or you didn't hear your partner at all.
We have numerous distractions in our lives today -- telephones, televisions, and now the Internet.If we want to be listened to with concentration, we must provide the same.Hang up the phone when your spouse walks in the door.Turn off the TV.Escape from the Web.Otherwise your mate feels like second best, and when you have something to say it will also fall on deaf ears.
We have to remember that marriage creates a unity, a oneness.We can use our powers of communication to solidify that unity or, God forbid, to tear it asunder.
As the Chazon Ish, a great Jewish scholar, wrote "Treat your wife as a left hand protecting the right one ... and not an independent limb."If we accept this attitude we will recognize that spending time and energy to improve communication is the way to achieve a true marital bond
Labels: marriage
The Good Marriage?
By Mary Ann Hogan
Bay Area psychologist Judith S. Wallerstein, founder and former executive director of the Marin County-based Center for the Family in Transition, is considered one of the world's leading experts on children of divorce. Now, in The Good Marriage (Houghton Mifflin), she investigates what holds marriages together. In a two-year study of 50 white, middle-class, avowedly happy couples, she discusses basic types of marriage. Among them: "traditional" marriages, with a wage-earning husband and a caretaking wife, and "companionate" marriages, in which both partners juggle the pressures of work and home.
Q: We have the highest marriage failure rate in the world. What does that say about American culture?
A: What it says to me, since I've spent 25 years of my life studying divorce, is that we're in serious trouble in terms of what we offer our children for the future.
Q: Yet we're wedded to this nostalgic ideal of marriage and family. Why?
A: Family does represent a sense of acceptance, a sense of warmth, a sense of being loved, of belonging, and that's become even more important in contemporary America. People are more isolated, more lonely, and more in need of intimacy.
Q: You described marriage as the only refuge from the essential loneliness of modern life. Is that a pipe dream?
A: I hate to think that it's a pipe dream. One of my findings is that there are happy marriages out there. What gets in the headlines is the terrible violence in families, the hate in families, and the sense that the family is a disappointment.
Q: Where is the family headed?
A: I think the family is here to stay. It's the only really good way I know to bring up children. That doesn't mean a single mother can't be a perfectly fine mother. But it's twice as hard, or three times as hard.
The purpose of my book was really to learn what goes into a happy family, a happy marriage. I really think of it as a pilot study. We have everything to learn about how to make a good marriage in contemporary society. What I argue is that marriage used to be held up from the outside. You had an extended family that kept the couple together, you had a church, you had a village, you had a community that kept everybody together; but we're into a new period in marriage. The only thing that holds it is if it holds from within. And I'm arguing that therefore we have to put an entirely different level of effort and understanding and knowledge into that marriage or we won't have it.
Q: You say that in a good marriage probably the most important ingredient is flexibility.
A: What people need in a marriage today is a greater recognition that you don't have the same marriage in your 20s that you have in your 30s, that you have in your 40s. That the marriage without children that you start with--that most people start with--is not the marriage with children, is not the marriage at midlife, and so on. What's striking about these 50 couples is that they were very open to new ideas. They value change.
Q: Should we also be flexible as a society, valuing change in the structure of the family?
A: We have to value change, but we also have to recognize that what people want has to stay there. What they want is love. They really do want love. And they want friendship, and they want respect, and they--women and men--want equality.
Q: The breakdown of the family has been cited for all sorts of social ills. Is that a realistic assessment?
A: The breakdown of the family has a lot of ramifications in this society. What [Erik] Erikson called "the twilight of the father," that's serious. It would be equally serious if it were the twilight of the mothers. I've been very worried about children for a long time because they're less protected and nurtured in a single-parent family.
Q: What can we as a society do to help?
A: I don't think government policy has caused divorce, and I don't think government policy can make a good marriage. But the climate of a society affects both.
Q: In the current political climate, we seem to be moving toward a cultural consensus that the traditional two-parent family is the only good family.
A: I'm arguing that there's a wide range of different kinds of marriage. And that people have a greater choice than ever. I am not buying into the notion that the traditional family--by that we mean a man and a woman and children; the woman stays home and the man works--is what most people want.
It's a very important finding that, of these 100 people who had created marriages they loved, only five wanted marriages like their parents had. Part of their pride was that they had created something new, something important, something that they thought was good for them and good for their children. The children were very valued in all these marriages, but they did not expect the same kind of conformity in their children that their parents expected from them. So there is a sense of greater freedom to shape the marriage, but there's also a tremendous respect for the marriage and the willingness to make sacrifices. Which is very important. It wasn't only "me, me, you, you." It was "us."
Q: Is there a policy role for building stronger marriages?
A: First of all, we're going to have a variety of marriages in the future. But if we're going to have traditional marriage, you have to have a society that provides salaries that can support them. And you have to have very good re-entry plans. Neither of which we have right now.
The issue is whether one could build insurance for someone who stays home and takes care of the family, so that person could get scholarships to go back to school. We have to have better educational opportunities, but mainly we need better opportunities in the workplace.
In companionate marriages where you have two adults in the workplace, we're going to have to work out a better interface between the workplace and the family. For example, in Sweden, for the first year of a baby's life, the woman or the man can stay home at 80 percent salary. There is an attempt in the workplace to recognize the importance of the family. We don't have these policies; we fought hard to get leave without pay.
Q: What about some of the current conservative ideas for making divorce more difficult? Reinstituting fault, for example, even stigmatizing illegitimacy?
A: I'm a little worried. In America we tend to rush into things without thinking what their unintended consequences may be.
Q: Like what?
A: One possibility: If you make divorce very difficult, you may get higher abandonment. You might get children even less protected economically.
Q: What can we do for younger people?
A: There's a lot we can do in the education of adolescents. The place to talk about relationships is in high school, and we have to, because 30 percent of America's children are coming out of divorced families.
These kids say to me, now that I see them as adults, "I've never seen a happy family." They're taking that inner template into adulthood. And they're just as lonely for a relationship, they're just as lonely for intimacy and love and security and safety and all the things that a good marriage can provide, but they're starting off with a sense of, "I won't get it." They're scared.
Like a 23-year-old from my divorce work who said, "My husband and I have two strikes against us. We're both from divorced families." If you start off that way, you're going to have a very hard time when that baby's born.
Q: How can we apply what you've found in happy middle-class marriages to people from lower socioeconomic backgrounds?
A: For a long time in social science we neglected class differences, and that's a mistake. But now the pendulum's gone the other way. It isn't true that divorce is different for a poor child than it is for a rich child, in its emotional content, and so the psychological tasks of marriage that I wrote about would apply across the board.
Q: Some people on the progressive left are critical of the work you've done.
A: In a review of my last book, the last line was, "Doesn't that woman know that the family is dead?"
What could I say? The notion that women don't do well in marriage, that all they do is serve men. I mean, that's nonsense.
So if I'm in favor of the family, I'm by definition in favor of oppressing women? That's silly.
Q: How do you feel about the tendency of some people on the right to cite your work as evidence that what they're saying about "family values" is true?
A: I'll tell you, I've been so misquoted in America [laughs]. I cannot worry about it anymore; I'm happy if they spell my name right. So many things have been attributed to me that I never would have dreamed of saying. I'm not against divorce; in some cases, it's the best choice.
Q: Is the high divorce rate because our values are askew, or because it's easier to get divorced?
A: We have a higher divorce rate for many reasons; for one thing, women are able to support themselves. But also--and I take this very seriously--people have higher expectations of marriage, and they're right. One of my findings is that the higher expectations can pay off.
Q: Should society's expectations of marriage change?
A: I do think it's important for society to value it, but that doesn't mean you can only value the little house with the white picket fence. Women are not going to give up their hard-won gains. Why should they? We're into a period of transition, but, as I say, I think the family is here to stay because it's the best method ever invented by human beings for dealing with the stresses of adulthood and bringing up children.
Q: There was some talk in Washington state about putting warning labels about spousal abuse on marriage licenses--
A: Oh, that's nonsense.
Q: If you were going to put some kind of warning label for women on the box that is marriage, what would it say?
A: I wouldn't put a warning. Not even hypothetically. I would say this is a great opportunity and what you do with it is your whole adulthood. This is the central relationship of adulthood.
There's you, there's your husband, and there's the marriage, and all three need to be taken care of.
Labels: marriage
A good marriage
A good marriage is a commitment between a man and a woman, and this commitment includes love, pleasure tolerance and relaxation, but do you know how to have a good marriage? A good start is the honeymoon. Most couples like to spend their honeymoon abroad. They like to go to places where they can find worm beaches, luxury hotels and restaurants and shopping malls. This way is very helpful to make the couple�s love grow up very fast, and to give the couple a good chance to know eac
. . .
The husband can say to his wife that she is more beautiful than the flowers or she is everything in his life, and these few words can change their life in a better way forever. We also should not forget that the wife should present some expensive gifts to her husband like perfumes and clothes. The couple should discover the best way that will support their marriage to become a good and comfortable marriage. One word and only one word from the husband or from the wife is fare enough to strengthen their love. Specially when there is a fight between the couple. The husband can present for his lovely wife: jewelry, perfumes, clothes and flowers. These small gifts are very helpful to forget what happened. There are a lot of ways to have a good marriage, but we should not forget that both the husband and the wife should acclimate with each other, and they must learn how to forgive each other because we are just human and we make a lot of mistakes. In my opinion, gifts are very important. h other, and when they know each other well they will know how to forgive each other. The most effective way is using the nice sweet words. Other people think that gifts are very important to have a good marriage. This gift from him will make their life full with pleasure and happiness
Labels: marriage
Happy Marriages, Do They Exist?
The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts
by Judith S. Wallerstein, Sandra Blakeslee
Chapter 1
ON A RAW SPRING MORNING in 199l, I shared my earliest thoughts about this book with a group of some one hundred professional women-all friends and colleagues-who meet each month to discuss our works in progress.
“I'm interested in learning about good marriages-about what makes a marriage succeed,” I said cheerfully. “As far as our knowledge is concerned, a happy marriage might as well be the dark side of the moon. And so I've decided to study a group of long-lasting marriages that are genuinely satisfying for both husband and wife.” I looked around the room at these attractive, highly educated women-women who had achieved success in our high-tech, competitive society and who appeared to have it all. “Would any of you, along with your husbands, like to volunteer as participants in the study?” I asked.
The room exploded with laughter.
I felt disturbed and puzzled by the group's reaction. Their laughter bore undertones of cynicism, nervousness, and disbelief, as if to say, “Surely you can't mean that happy marriage exists in the l990s. How could you possibly believe that?”
Many of the women in the group had been divorced. Some had remarried, but a good number remained single. Some had come to feel that marriage should not be taken all that seriously. “Happy marriage doesn't exist,” protested one woman, “so I'm going to get on with my life and not worry about it.” Yet when their sons and daughters decided to marry, these same women announced the marriages with great pride and accepted heartfelt rounds of congratulations from the others in the group. No one acknowledged the apparent contradictions involved.
When I pondered the meaning of their laughter later that night, I realized I had hit a raw nerve. For many, my innocent mention of a study of successful marriages seemed to strike below the well-defended surface, bringing to life buried images of love and intimacy. For a brief moment, I believe, the women had reconnected with passionate longings, only to confront again their disappointment that their wishes had not been fulfilled. And so they had laughed, dismissing their longings as illusory-vain hopes that could only lead to sorrow.
This duality of cynicism and hope is familiar to me, as it is to millions of men and women in America today. We share a profound sense of discomfort with the present state of marriage and family, even wondering sometimes if marriage as an institution can survive. At the same time, we share a deeply felt hope for our children that marriage will endure. I do not think this hope is misplaced.
We have been so preoccupied with divorce and crisis in the American family that we have failed to notice the good marriages that are all around us and from which we can learn. In today's world it's easy to become overwhelmed by problems that seem to have no solution. But we can shape our lives at home, including our relationships with our children and marriage itself. The home is the one place where we have the potential to create a world that is to our own liking; it is the last place where we should feel despair. As never before in history, men and women today are free to design the kind of marriage they want, with their own rules and expectations.
Fortunately, many young people have not yet become cynical and are still able to speak directly from the heart. After spending some wonderful hours talking to college students about their views of marriage, I received the next day a letter from Randolph Johnson, a twenty-one-year-old senior at the University of California in Santa Cruz. He wrote: “What I want in a wife is someone whom I know so well that she is a part of who I am and I of her. Someone to fill all that I am not but aspire to be. My wife is someone not just to share a life with but to build a life with. This is what marriage is to me, the sharing of two lives to complete each other. It is true that people change, but if people can change together then they need not grow apart.”
Randolph speaks for a new generation that is still capable of optimism about love and marriage and “the sharing of two lives to complete each other.” He also speaks for a society that is tired to death of the war on marriage, escalating divorce rates, and the search for new partners in middle age. All of us want a different world for our children. When we're honest, we want it for ourselves.
It is absurd, in fact, to suggest that the need for enduring love and intimacy in marriage is passe. The men and women I've seen in twenty-five years of studying divorce begin actively searching for a new relationship even before the divorce is final. In every study in which Americans are asked what they value most in assessing the quality of their lives, marriage comes first-ahead of friends, jobs, and money. In our fast-paced world men and women need each other more, not less. We want and need erotic love, sympathetic love, passionate love, tender, nurturing love all of our adult lives. We desire friendship, compassion, encouragement, a sense of being understood and appreciated, not only for what we do but for what we try to do and fail at. We want a relationship in which we can test our half-baked ideas without shame or pretense and give voice to our deepest fears. We want a partner who sees us as unique and irreplaceable.
A good marriage can offset the loneliness of life in crowded cities and provide a refuge from the hammering pressures of the competitive workplace. It can counter the anomie of an increasingly impersonal world, where so many people interact with machines rather than fellow workers. In a good marriage each person can find sustenance to ease the resentment we all feel about having to yield to other people's wishes and rights. Marriage provides an oasis where sex, humor, and play can flourish.
Finally, a man and woman in a good, lasting marriage with children feel connected with the past and have an interest in the future. A family makes an important link in the chain of human history. By sharing responsibility for the next generation, parents can find purpose and a strengthened sense of identity.
These rewards take root in the soil of a strong, stable marriage. But, surprisingly, we know very little about what makes such a marriage.
As a psychologist who has been studying the American family for most of my professional life, I have observed many changes in relationships between men and women and in society's attitudes about marriage and children. In 1980 I founded a large research and clinical center in the San Francisco Bay Area, where my colleagues and I have seen thousands of men, women, and children from families going through first or second divorces. Presently I am conducting a twenty-five-year follow-up of sixty couples who underwent divorce in 1971, with an emphasis on the lives of their 131 children, who are now grown and involved in their own marriages and divorces.
These young men and women, whom I have been interviewing at regular intervals as part of the longest study ever done on divorce, provide unique insights into its long-term effects on the American family. I have seen a great many children who, ten and fifteen years after their parents' divorce, are still struggling with unhappiness. On the threshold of adulthood, they are still in the shadow of that event. I am poignantly aware of how unfamiliar these children are with the kinds of relationships that exist in a happy family. Many tell me that they have never seen a good marriage.
I'm also concerned about the many men and women who remain lonely and sad years after a divorce. I'm doubly worried about the high divorce rate in second marriages with children, which compounds the suffering for everyone. I am sometimes criticized for being overly pessimistic about the long-term effects of divorce, but my observations are drawn from the real world. Only if you see the children and parents of divorce day in and day out can you understand what the statistics mean in human terms.
I want to make it clear that I am not against divorce. I am deeply aware of how wretched a bad marriage can be and of the need for the remedy of divorce. But divorce by itself does not improve the institution of marriage. Some people learn from sad experience to choose more carefully the second time around. Others do not. Many never get a true second chance.
In the past twenty years, marriage in America has undergone a profound, irrevocable transformation, driven by changes in women's roles and the heightened expectations of both men and women. Without realizing it, we have crossed a marital Rubicon. For the first time in our history, the decision to stay married is purely voluntary. Anyone can choose to leave at any time-and everyone knows it, including the children. There used to be only two legal routes out of marriage -adultery and abandonment. Today one partner simply has to say,
for whatever reason, I want out.” Divorce is as simple as a trip to the nearest courthouse
Each year two million adults and a million children in this country are newly affected by divorce. One in two American marriages ends in divorce, and one in three children can expect to experience their parents' divorce. This situation has powerful ripple effects that touch us all. The sense that relationships are unstable affects the family next door, the people down the block, the other children in the classroom. Feelings of intense anxiety about marriage permeate the consciousness of all young men and women on the threshold of adulthood. At every wedding the guests wonder, privately, will this marriage last? The bride and groom themselves may question why they should marry, since it's likely to break up.
To understand how our social fabric has been transformed, think of marriage as an institution acted upon by centripetal forces pulling inward and centrifugal forces pulling outward. In times past the centripetal forces-law, tradition, religion, parental influence-exceeded those that could pull a marriage apart, such as infidelity, abuse, financial disaster, failed expectations, or the lure of the frontier. Nowadays the balance has changed. The weakened centripetal forces no longer exceed those that tug marriages apart.
In today's marriages, in which people work long hours, travel extensively, and juggle careers with family, more forces tug at the relationship than ever before. Modern marriages are battered by the demands of her workplace as well as his, by changing community values, by anxiety about making ends meet each month, by geographical moves, by unemployment and recession, by the vicissitudes of child care, and by a host of other issues.
Marriage counselors like to tell their clients that there are at least six people in every marital bed-the couple and both sets of parents. I'm here to say that a crazy quilt of conflicting personal values and shifting social attitudes is also in that bed. The confusion over roles and the indifference of the community to long-term conjugal relationships are there, as are the legacies of a self-absorbed, me-first, feminist-do-or-die' male-backlash society. The ease of divorce and changing attitudes about the permanence of marriage have themselves become centrifugal forces.
Our great unacknowledged fear is that these potent outside forces will overwhelm the human commitment that marriage demands and that marriage as a lasting institution will cease for most people. We are left with a crushing anxiety about the future of marriage and about the men and women within it.
My study of divorce has inevitably led me to think deeply about marriage. Just as people who work with the dying worry about death, those of us who work with troubled marriages are constantly forced to look at our own relationships. So I have carefully taken note of my marriage and those of my three grown children. As our fiftieth wedding anniversary approaches, I have thought long and hard about what my husband and I have done to protect our marriage. Why have we been able to love each other for so many years? Did we begin differently from those who divorced? Did we handle crises differently? Or were we just lucky? What have I learned that I can pass on to my children and my grandchildren?
I certainly have not been happy all through each year of my marriage. There have been good times and bad, angry and joyful moments, times of ecstasy and times of quiet contentment. But I would never trade my husband, Robert, for another man. I would not swap my marriage for any other. This does not mean that I find other men unattractive, but there is all the difference in the world between a passing fancy and a life plan. For me, there has always been only one life plan, the one I have lived with my husband. But why is this so? What makes some marriages work while others fail?
Labels: marriage
Strengthening a Marriage
By Ernest Kovacs, MD
Marital therapy can best be understood as the attempt by a therapist to join together with a couple in a joint project to change certain patterns in the couple's relationship. This is no easy task and requires the desire and commitment to change on the part of all participants. However, we must begin with an effort to define just what it is that makes for a good marriage. Tolstoy said that all happy marriages are happy in the same way, but that each unhappy marriage is unhappy in its own particular way. What this has meant to me is that there is a fairly simple formula for a happy marriage but that unhappy marriages are fraught with complicated personal and interpersonal problems. For the marital therapist, it is essential to identify those aspects of a marriage that deviate from the underlying basics of the good marriage.
WHAT MAKES A GOOD MARRIAGE
Identifying the elements of a good marriage is no easy feat. As we all know, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, and a particular individual can only define happiness, for herself or himself. No one can ever define happiness for another individual. This reminds me of the joke about two psychiatrists meeting on the street, greeting one another with "So how am I today?". It's a joke!! No one can tell you how you are. Only you know how you are doing in life. Nonetheless, there are some basic ideas we have about good relationships from many years of clinical experience and observation.
The most essential feature of the good marriage has to do with disappointment and failure. You may ask how can this be true? Happy marriages are supposed to be happy! Yes, this is true, BUT, we all know that into every life a little rain must fall, we all must deal with disappointment and failure at various times in our lives. Even if we are living happy lives, we must be prepared for the inevitable challenges and stresses we meet along the way, and have the ability to cope with the problems as they occur. The most important characteristic of the good marriage is the desire, and the ability, to establish a strong affectionate bond to your partner and then to be able to repair that bond whenever the inevitable disruptions to that bond occur. No marriage exists without its ups and downs. It is the ability to recover from the downs, to meet the challenge, and go on in harmony, re-established in the partnership of affectionate bonding that brought the two of you together in the first place, which makes a good marriage.
This ability is no simple matter. It takes a solid sense of oneself, the capacity to put yourself in your partner's shoes to really understand her or him, the willingness to share the power in the relationship and the commitment to communicate clearly and freely, and considerately with each other. These skills develop from the respect we have for the other person's point of view, their perspective and their needs. We need to have a real appreciation for the differences between our partners and ourselves. This kind of respect leads to an increased sense of closeness, acceptance and empowerment. When this situation exists we have a good marriage made of two people with a deep commitment to themselves as strong individuals and a deep commitment to each other. Such people have the security within themselves, and the security in knowing that their partner values their perspective, to communicate with each other in a meaningful way.
MARITAL THERAPY
In marital therapy the therapist will spend the initial meetings getting to know each of the partners thoroughly, including many details of how they view themselves and each other, as well as many facts relating to the families they grew up in. Many of us learn about relationships and patterns of marriage from our parents. We learn from how they related to us as individuals and from how they related to each other in their own marriages. As it turns out, both of these sources of "knowledge" have strong long-term effects on how we establish and live out our own adult relationships.
In working with a couple, the therapist tries to sort out the patterns from their past which are interfering with the healthy development of a close and meaningful relationship between the partners. Sometimes this can be a fairly simple educational process, but at other times it involves a difficult coming to terms with long held beliefs that have proven to be ineffective and at times destructive. In this process each partner gets to learn a good deal more about themselves and each other. If handled properly and considerately, each person can learn to be more understanding and caring.
There are many factors that go into the making of an unhappy marriage, including the occurrence of a serious mental illness in one or both of the partners. In these situations it is most important to treat the underlying mental illness as well, in order to keep the focus on the interpersonal issues that may even be aggravating or contributing to the mental illness. As you can imagine, these situations can become very complex and require the patience and willingness on everyone's part to carefully examine all factors and develop plans for constructive change.
In the end, each partner needs to define themselves and their relationship for themselves. With this knowledge they can communicate openly and considerately with their partner in an effort to find a common ground for the relationship. If they are successful in this regard they will have succeeded in overcoming a difficult crisis in their relationship, and be stronger for it.
Labels: marriage
What Makes A Good Marriage?
Making a good marriage takes work. During courtship and the newlywed period, a couple will often feel like their marriage will never have any problems. They assume that they will always be as passionate as they are then; that they will have a good marriage forever. However, as many married couples discover, having a good marriage does take work.
There are a variety of other general characteristics of a good marriage. In a good marriage, husband and wife are careful to avoid temptations of infidelity. In a good marriage, couples respect one another. In a good marriage, people are willing to admit they are wrong. People forgive one another in a good marriage. In a good marriage, the partners have respect for one another’s boundaries and privacy. In a good marriage, couples are loving, avoid unnecessary criticism, and are generally polite to one another. In a good marriage, the couple recognized that they are a team, and organize their lives as such.
At the root of much of these ideas is communication. Communication is one of the most important ways to have a good marriage. This is true in all of the areas of married life. A good marriage is one in which the couple can communicate about every issue, including children, work, household management, and sex. Couples need to be able to discuss how they are feeling, both in terms of how they feel about one another but also in terms of how they are feeling about other things in life. This does not mean that the husband and wife always agree on every issue; but it does mean that each is willing to listen to the other, and to discuss their points of view. Good communication makes a good marriage.
A good marriage is also one in which the married couple spends time together. With the hectic schedule of the modern world, couples have to make time to just be alone together. This can be anything from the weekly scheduled date night to an hour or so spent together in the evening after the kids are in bed. On a regular basis, the couple in a good marriage will do something together that they enjoy.
Ultimately, a good marriage is built on a foundation of love; but the bricks-and-mortar that rest on that foundation, such as communication, respect, and spending time together, take some effort.
Labels: marriage
The 5 Sides of Intimacy in Marriage
Hint: It's more than just sex
By Gary D. Chapman
Henry was usually jovial and positive. Last night, however, he came late to our church meeting and didn't have much to say.
"I'll never understand women," he told me after the meeting. "My wife thinks we need more intimacy. She says we aren't as close as we used to be. I don't know what she's talking about. I thought we had a good marriage."
All-encompassing
There's something about our psychological, spiritual, and physical makeup that cries out for intimacy with another. That's because God designed marriage to be the most intimate of all human relationships, in which we share life intellectually, socially, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.
Are you and your spouse intimate in these ways?
Intellectual intimacy. This isn't about discussing highly intellectual ideas. The important thing is discussing your thoughts. They may be thoughts about food, finances, health, crime, work, politics. They reveal something of what's gone on in your mind throughout the day.
Social intimacy. This has to do with spending time around the events of life. Some of these events we experience together; others happen while we're apart and are shared through open communication. Much of life involves doing. When we do things together, we not only develop a sense of teamwork, we also enhance our sense of intimacy.
Emotional intimacy. Feelings are our spontaneous, emotional responses to what we encounter through the five senses. I see the fire truck racing down the road and I feel troubled. You touch my hand and I feel loved. When we share emotions, we build emotional intimacy.
Spiritual intimacy. Often the least excavated of all the foundations of marital intimacy, yet this has a significant impact on the others. It doesn't require agreement of belief on every detail. Instead, we seek to tell each other what's going on in our inner self. It's discussing our thoughts about spiritual realities. The purpose isn't agreement, but understanding.
Physical intimacy. Because men and women are different (long live their differences!), we often come at sexual intimacy in different ways. The husband's emphasis is often on the physical aspects—the seeing, touching, and climax are the focus of his attention. The wife, though, comes to sexual intimacy with more interest in the relationship. To feel loved, appreciated, and treated tenderly brings her great joy. Sexual intimacy requires understanding and responding to these differences.
Practicing intimacy
An essential ingredient of intimacy is allowing your spouse to be himself without striving to conform him to your ideals.
In intimacy, we try to grow closer together, not to eliminate the "otherness," but to enjoy it. Men and women are different and we must not, even with good intentions, seek to destroy those differences.
What keeps us from experiencing intimacy? All of us are egocentric; the world revolves around us. Yet, when we focus on self, we lose intimacy.
The opposite of self-centeredness, then, is love. Love concentrates on the well-being of the spouse. We take time to listen to the thoughts, feelings, and desires of our spouse. We seek to understand and to respond with empathy. We choose to do things with each other, even things that may not be our favorite activities, simply because we want to be with each other.
In the context of such intimacy we become supportive and caring of each other, which builds a stronger, more contented marriage.
Labels: intimacy, marriage
