How to Diffuse an Argument through Couples Counseling

It happens and you don’t even quite know how. A discussion becomes a heated debate becomes a full-blown argument. Words are said that you’ll regret later. Time needs to pass before the soreness heals. Is there a way to detect an argument brewing before it turns into a full-blown mess?

Couples counseling teaches better ways of communication but the importance lies in applying that knowledge on a daily basis. When you talk about your relationships in counseling, it offers an opportunity to examine the ways you interact with others.

Here are some other ways to sense when a storm is approaching and what to do:

First, listen to what your partner is not saying. It may sound odd, but listen for the “I don’t feel well today,” or the “We lost a really big contract at work, and I’m a little anxious about the status of my job right now.” If you can look past the “You do everything wrong,” statements for your partner’s underlying feelings, you’ll not only be able to diffuse the situation, you’ll also help your partner to get past the anger front.

Second, even if you can’t figure out what’s gone wrong, try to be understanding about your partner’s feelings. Understand what your partner needs when he or she is angry. If it’s space, grant them that. If it’s a loving shoulder to cry on when the anger is gone, offer that as well.

Finally, think about every word you say. Unlike your keyboard, your tongue doesn’t have a backspace. You can never get rid of those words once they’re hanging in the air of your home, and while you can apologize, you can’t get rid of the feelings you create in your partner once you say those hurtful things.

Finally, arguing is never a welcome process but often its needed to alleviate anxiety and pent-up frustration. It’s the way you argue that matters. Make sure you do it in a way that’s healthy and productive. If it doesn’t feel like it will be, take 10!

The Marriage Cycle

Did you realize that like every other aspect of life marriage goes through cycles? It does and believe it or not some couples are not prepared to deal with them.  Marriage is a cyclic adventure and when the cycles shift it can take you by surprise.

The authors of the e-book ‘Save My Marriage Today!’ have developed a guide that you can use to prepare yourself for the cycles of your relationship. Let’s take a quick look at what they have discovered and maybe you can figure out just what part of the cycle your marriage is in.

Romance and Infatuation

This is the first stage of any relationship and you can probably remember that giddy feeling you had when you first started seeing your partner. This is the one time in your life that you never want to forget. You want to preserve that feeling forever. It is also the time of the relationship when you are freer with your affections in public, sex is high level activity and you tend to overlook differences that could be a problem later down the line. You’ll feel this way from the beginning of your relationship to about six month to two years afterwards.

After The Honeymoon

The honeymoon stage of the relationship is the next in the cycle. Once you enter it you start to see things that you didn’t realize before. You may notice that you have differences with your partner that could be an issue depending on how you handle it. It is here that you learn who your partner really is and how much you actually do love them for who they are.

Staking Your Territories

It is during this cycle of the marriage that you and your partner discover that you have differing opinions and values. You are starting to stake out your territories and arguments will happen. It is one of the most difficult stages of any relationship because it is in complete contrast with the first stage where you were in love and giddy over it. Marriages that make it through this part of the cycle usually turn into very strong ones.

Evaluation

In this cycle of your marriage you begin to question how far you have come in your relationship and whether or not you really want to remain in it. You or your partner may become withdrawn and sex may go right out of the window. This is a normal stage, including the questions that go with it. Most extramarital affairs happen during this cycle of the marriage and couples that want to save their marriage usually seek professional help at this point.

Reconnection

If you make it to this cycle of the marriage you are open minded enough to work with your partner towards making your marriage better and finding that which attracted you to each other in the first place once again. You have accepted each other as you are and you know that you continue on as a couple and as individuals.

Commitment

This final cycle is the one we all wish to achieve. It is here that your marriage is the strongest and you know how to meet one another’s needs. And you cherish each other and all of the faults that make you who you are.

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According to a study done by the University of Michigan, a particularly “toxic pattern is when one spouse deals with conflict constructively, by calmly discussing the situation, listening to their partner’s point of view, or trying hard to find out what their partner is feeling, for example—and the other spouse withdraws.”

Not facing head on and dealing with conflict in the marriage is like sealing the fate of what should be a lifelong commitment. We don’t think when we marry that we will be called on to step outside our level of comfort and engage in conflict BUT no marriage is conflict free and no marriage survives conflict avoidance.

Janice and Ed had been married for two years when Ed began to withhold intimacy. Janice, a communicator and problem solver set out to talk with Ed and find a solution to the problems in the marriage. Ed, a man who shied away from all conflict closed down.

Janice new that problems festered if left alone. Ed thought that problems disappeared if ignored.

For years Janice attempted to communicate with Ed. She read books on communication in marriage. She broached the subject in a way that would not put Ed on the defensive. In return Ed spent years walking away from Janice’s attempts to solve the problem.

Janice and Ed are no longer married. She is still a communicator and problem solver; he is still someone who avoids conflict. I’m not sure which side of the fence is worse to be on. Someone who wants to solve problems married to someone who wants to ignore problems or someone who is attached to a wife who wants you to engage in something that you find terrifying…conflict.

What is the dynamic in your relationship when it comes to solving conflict? Do you deal with conflict constructively or do you withdraw?

How to Deal With Marital Conflict in a Positive Manner:

1. Make Your Marriage a Safe PlaceBoth spouses should feel it safe to share their wants and needs. When your spouse attempts to communicate a concern with you don’t respond with put downs or tirades. More often than not a spouse withdraws from conflict because they don’t feel safe engaging in conflict.
2. Be Willing to see Things From Another PerspectiveMaking the effort to see the situation from your spouse’s perspective helps you gather more information about the problem or conflict. Have you heard the story about the blind men and the elephant?Six blind men were discussing exactly what they thought an elephant to be, since each had heard how strange an elephant was, but none had ever seen one before. So the blind men agreed to find an elephant and discover what the animal was really like.

   Each man feels a different part of the elephant. One touched the tail, one the ears, one the tusks and so on. Based on touch they came up with different opinions of what an elephant was and in turn they argued, based on their individual perceptions of what an elephant was.

   Each man’s perception was based on what part of the elephant he had touched, not the entire elephant. The same can happen in marital conflict. We argue a point based on our own idea of what the problem is and how it should be solved.

   You don’t have the complete truth of the situation until you hear and attempt to view it from your spouse’s perception. There is never just one way of looking at a problem, there are always different perspectives and solutions to problems come when you take into account all perspectives.

3. Sharpen Your Listening SkillsYou can’t solve marital conflict if you don’t know what your spouse is feeling. You can’t know what your spouse is feeling if you aren’t listening to what he/she is saying. Most of us enter into conflict from a defensive position. We are concerned with defending our point of view instead of listening to all points of view.Healthy marital communication is not only about sharing your feelings and thoughts. You have to be listening to what your spouse is sharing also.
4. Be Willing to be VulnerableThis is by far the most difficult position to take when engaged in conflict. It is human nature to fear rejection and being open and vulnerable to our spouse puts us in a position of possible rejection. You need to ask yourself, “which is more important, my fear of rejection or solving the marital problems?”The key to allowing yourself to be vulnerable is to know, without a doubt that you are worthy of being heard, loved, respected and trusted. Yes, you take the chance of being rejected or belittled but being transparent in your marriage is the only way to solve problems or discovering whether or not you are married to someone who truly cares about you and your feelings.
5. Be Willing to Admit You Are WrongFor some winning is the goal, not solving marital problems. Admitting you’re wrong, when you’re wrong breeds an environment of trust and tolerance. People with good self-esteem and humility have no problem admitting to a mistake. Doing so promotes positive change in the marriage and helps your spouse feel more secure in admitting when they have made a mistake. It is about humility and promoting humility within the marriage and on a person level.

Reasons People Avoid Addressing their Marital Problems

Avoidance is a common coping skill people use when they are faced with difficult problems. Avoiding marital problems won’t make them go away. In fact, they are likely to get worse. There are many reasons why people choose to avoid facing their marital issues.

Denial

Denial is a powerful thing. Sometimes people feel like if they don’t admit they have a problem, then it won’t be real. Trying to stay in a place of denial may make someone feel more comfortable. It can be anxiety-provoking, uncomfortable, and depressing to recognize the extent of your problems. However, denial will only take you so far. It may help you cope with your distress in the short-term but it causes more long-term problems as the issues are not being handled.

Angela didn’t want to face financial problems. Although her husband frequently told her they did not have enough money to support her spending habits, she chose not to look at the financial statements. She didn’t want access to their online banking and whenever bills arrived, she set them aside for her husband to look at.

By trying to stay in denial that they were struggling financially, Angela continued her same spending habits, causing their problems to get worse. This led to increased conflict between her and her husband. Although it would have been uncomfortable for her to sit down and review their financial statements, facing the facts would have been the first step in determining how to handle the problem.

Avoiding Their Spouse’s Behaviors

Sometimes people not only avoid their marital problems, they literally avoid their spouse. This can be due to their inability or unwillingness to address their spouse’s behaviors. People caught in this trap might choose to work late, spend extra time with friends, or engage in any activity separate from their spouse. When the marriage gets to this point, it becomes critical that issues are addressed soon before the relationship deterioriates completely.

Brian felt like Sherry nagged him too much. He disliked how she talked to him and she got on his nerves. As a result, he worked almost non-stop on restoring a car that was in his garage. This compounded the problem. Sherry felt more abandoned than ever, and when Brian was around, she nagged him about how little time he spent working on “more important things than his car.” Brian’s avoidance of his wife caused their problems to get worse.

Wanting to Keep Up Appearances

Some couples want to appear as though they have everything together. Keeping up appearances is very important to them. They worry that addressing their problems might not look good to the outside world.

Jerry and Sandra were somewhat disconnected from one another. However, they both chose to tell themselves they were just motivated people with important careers. This was easier than addressing the fact that they didn’t spend quality time together, except when they were with friends. Although they had discussed counseling at times, they worried that if anyone else found out, they might think they were having marital problems so they avoided addressing their issues. Avoiding their issues only made them worse.

Fear of Confrontation

A lot of people avoid confrontation. They may fear that they will offend the other person or that they will hurt their partner’s feelings. Or they may fear how their partner will react. They may fear their partner’s angry reaction or they may worry that their partner will reject them. However, confrontation can be  very healthy for a marriage.

Barbara didn’t like Michael’s drinking. He came home from work and drank a few beers everyday. Then on the weekends, he often drank 10 beers in a night. Barbara avoided confronting Michael about his behaviors. She was afraid that he’d get mad if she brought it up. She also worried that he wouldn’t change his behaviors anyway. Her decision to avoid talking about his drinking, actually enabled his behaviors. If Barbara doesn’t do anything to address a solution, she actually becomes part of the problem.

Afraid Things Will Get Worse

Lastly, people sometimes avoid addressing issues because they are afraid that things will only get worse. This is sometimes true, especially in the short-term. However, avoiding these problems will also likely lead to things getting worse over time.

Kristin worried about addressing Jim’s parenting. She felt like he didn’t spend enough time with the children and felt like he lacked patience whenever he was with them. However, she worried that if she told him, he’d just give up and would spend even less time with them. Kristin’s avoidance led Jim to continue his behaviors.

Acknowledge Your Problems

It is important to be truthful with yourself and your spouse about your marital problems. You cannot begin fixing a problem until you acknowledge the problem exists. Honestly evaluate your marriage’s strengths and weaknesses and think about what problems you want to address.

How Couples Counseling Eliminates Sides

Audrey and Franklin had some concerns when they decided to see a couples counselor that would help with their marital problems. Both were at an extremely polarized point with one another, using friends and family members as allies to join in on their argument. Of course, this only exacerbated the problem. Both Audrey and Franklin began to think in terms of sides and were concerned that a new counselor would be preferential toward one or the other.

What they didn’t understand is that couples therapists are trained to not take sides. They don’t even think in terms of sides, ideally. They think in terms of the dynamic between the couple and the need for sides in the first place. Maybe they will examine the history of the couple. When did a power struggle begin? Or the counselor will probe even deeper, looking into each party’s childhood. Often this is where one begins to feel powerless and struggles against the authority figure that isn’t meeting their needs.

Both Audrey and Franklin were pleasantly surprised. The idea of “sides” was taken out of the equation, once in front of a couples counselor. The two were encouraged to look at some of the real issues that resided behind the “he said, she said” dynamic they had created. It was a relief for both, who over the years had become exhausted by the “constant warring,” as they put it. Finally, the couple could reconnect and communicate in a whole, new way, unfamiliar to both of them. It took some time and practice, but love and openness began to return.

Misconceptions About Counseling

People who have never attending counseling may have some misconceptions about what counseling is. Television shows and movies often portray the Hollywood version of counseling, which is often not accurate. Learning about what counseling is and how it can help can alleviate the anxiety some people experience when considering either individual or couple’s counseling.

Counseling can’t help my marriage if my spouse refuses to attend

If you are experiencing marital problems and your spouse refuses to attend counseling with you, it can be very beneficial for you to attend counseling by yourself. In fact, sometimes couples counseling isn’t appropriate and individual counseling can be just as helpful. If your spouse isn’t interested in attending counseling, dragging your spouse to a session probably will not turn out well. In order to benefit from counseling, a person must be motivated to make change and willing to participate. Therefore, there are changes you can make individually that can still help your marriage.

Counselors offer advice

Counselors are not like advice columnists. They won’t tell you things such as whether you should stay in your marriage or leave. If they simply offered advice, they wouldn’t be doing their jobs.

Counselors should offer you feedback on their observations. They may make suggestions on changes and activities you could try and skills you could learn. However, ultimately they should be helping you weigh the pros and cons of decisions you choose to make. A counselor’s job is actually to work themselves out of a job, so they should be helping you learn skills that will reduce your need for counseling in the future.

If I have friends I don’t need counseling

Counselors should play a different role in your life than friends. But sometimes people think that if they vent to their friends, they don’t need to go a counselor. If you are just looking for a place to vent, you probably don’t need counseling. Friends can provide you with that support.

However, if you are looking for more help than your friends can offer, seek professional assistance. Counselors can help you to identify patterns in your behaviors. They can also help you identify and deal with your feelings and thoughts. They can also provide you with resources and skills to improve your life.

Counselors make you talk about your childhood

People sometimes avoid counseling because they are afraid a counselor will force them to talk about uncomfortable subjects, such as their childhood. It is important to remember that a counselor cannot force you to talk about anything you are not comfortable with. Although it is sometimes important to address past abuse or other issues that may be impacting people today, sometimes it is more important for counselors to focus on the present.

If a person has Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, it may require talking about some subjects that are difficult. However, a counselor should not be encouraging you to do so unless you are ready. If it is too anxiety-provoking, a counselor may help you learn relaxation skills or may decide that it isn’t the right time for you to talk about it or they may recommend other treatments to help you manage your symptoms.

Counseling is only for weak people

Sadly, many people suffer in silence because they think they should be able to deal with all of their problems on their own. They may view depression as a sign of weakness or think that people should be able to handle their marital issues on their own. However, just like if a person is diagnosed with a physical health issue, such as diabetes, treatment may be necessary to help.

It requires a lot of courage to make that first appointment. When someone reaches out for help, it is often a sign of strength. Counseling shows that someone is motivated to make some changes in their life.

Insurance companies only pay for counseling if you have a serious mental illness

Sometimes people avoid counseling because they assume their health insurance company will not cover the costs. However, you won’t know unless you check with your policy. The link between physical health problems and mental health problems have become clear. When people become stressed, they often develop physical symptoms. This has led to increased coverage for counseling many issues.

If you have considered counseling but have not yet followed through, determine what has been getting in your way of doing so. Consider contacting your doctor to discuss counseling as an option and your doctor may make a referral for you. Also, consider calling local mental health providers and ask questions about how to set up services and what sorts of issues they routinely deal with. Online help is available as well. Online counselors can assist you with learning more and may make some helpful recommendations for you.

Putting Sex on a Pedestal – Video by Dr. Deb

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