Marriage and Depression: How Should You Handle a Depressed Spouse?

Your spouse is miserable. Maybe now is the time to be a giver.

Maurice came in silently. There was no, “Hello! How are you? How was your day?” He brought a chill into the house without a word. He carefully stamped the snow off his boots, then he just as carefully arranged them by the door and hung up his coat. He seemed to be delaying the inevitable face-to-face encounter with his wife, the questions that would follow.

Maurice could be in the dumps because work didn’t go well or because he’s searching for work and can’t find it. He could be depressed most of the time and Ella doesn’t know how to get through to him. He could be down on himself or even down on her for reasons with which he himself isn’t quite in touch.

And Maurice could be pushing Ella away with this chill. It is quite possible that seeing someone else happy and full of hope for the future is particularly grating for someone who has lost hope and has forgotten what happiness feels like.

Ella had been working hard on the computer. She was excited because her online possibilities kept growing. She could see the economic potential in her writing; there was a huge demand for capable fiction writers. She could barely tear herself away, but with a bright smile she turned toward the door as Maurice came in. The smile slipped off her face as quickly as it had appeared. She felt the chill Maurice brought inside and she suddenly didn’t know what to say.

“He’s in a bad mood again,” she thought. “Now what?” She immediately felt annoyed. Once again, he was spoiling her good day. Should she tell him about it? Should she demand he attend to her needs for a change? The problem with this is that it comes out as selfish. He is depressed and he certainly doesn’t want to be. If he can’t meet his own needs for happiness, how can he meet hers?

On the other hand, should Ella honor the signals that Maurice is giving off and just avoid him? There’s a problem with this, too. Maurice’s depressed mood is an imposition on Ella. It is Maurice’s responsibility to make some attempts to pull himself out of his mood. Often, talking to one’s spouse helps. By sending signals of “Leave me alone,” Maurice is both cutting off help that she might offer and raining on her parade. He is setting the tone for the house and that is not quite fair.

There is a third choice.

Ella can approach Maurice gently and with patience, asking him how she could be of help to him getting over his bad mood. If all Maurice wants is to be left alone, then it is appropriate for him to say so politely and with understanding that this is not the answer she would want to hear. He can say, “I’m really not up to talking right now. I’m sorry.”

At the same time, it is legitimate for Ella to ask him when they could sit down and talk. Later, at that talk, it is appropriate for her to be gentle, patient, and a good listener. It would not be the right time for her to demand that he meet her needs. The fact that Maurice is making Ella miserable with his bad mood may be a cue that instead of thinking of herself, this might be the right time to be a giver.

When the Internet Causes Marital Problems

The internet provides people with endless possibilities that can be helpful or harmful to a marriage depending on how it used. People often behave differently online than they do in real life and the internet provides people with the opportunity to engage in many behaviors that can be harmful to a marriage. It’s important to examine whether or not the internet may be impacting your relationship.

Addiction

People can develop an addiction to the internet. An internet addiction can develop similarly to other addictions in life and can be very serious. An addiction to the internet isn’t defined by spending a certain number of hours online each week. Instead, it depends on problems that your online activity causes.

The internet becomes an addiction when it causes a problem in a person’s life and they continue with their behaviors. Problems may include social issues, such as choosing to use the internet instead of spending time with friends and family. Often, friends and family become concerned. An addiction cause a person to secretly try and use the internet whenever they can, such as slipping away at a social event to get online.

An internet addiction can also cause work or school related problems. Someone might struggle to get their work done. Or they may stay up all night on the internet, causing them to be late for work or they may miss a day altogether. They may also be using the internet inappropriately during work or class.

People can become addicted to chat rooms, pornography, online gaming, social media sites, or any aspect of the internet that consumes their time. Just like with other addictions, it will cause relationship problems. Family and friends are neglected and a person’s sexual desires can be impacted as well.

Disinhibition

The internet often allows people an opportunity to act in ways that they normally wouldn’t. People tend to feel less inhibited when interacting with others online. This can cause a person who might not be tempted to cheat in real life to engage in inappropriate behaviors with others online.

Emotional Affairs

People often use the internet to develop relationships with others. This may be in the form of chat rooms, emails, or social media. The internet provides the opportunity to re-connect with ex-partners or meet new people. In fact, many sites are geared toward married people who are looking to cheat!

Affairs don’t have to be physical. In fact, emotional affairs can be just as damaging. The internet offers opportunity for a variety of emotional affairs. When people connect emotionally with another person and it interferes with their marriage, it constitutes an emotional affair. Sometimes people say “it is just a friendship,” however, developing a bond with another person damages the marriage.

When people engage in emotional affairs, they may look forward to chatting with the same person each night. They may email secrets or complain about their marital problems. They may even talk about meeting in person. All of these things weaken the emotional connection between spouses.

Sexual Affairs

Sexual affairs happen online as well. People may engage in cybersex in chat rooms, use webcams, or exchange sexualized pictures. People often feel more free to live out fantasies or behave inappropriately. This negatively impacts a couple’s sexual relationship. It can cause decreased satisfaction with sexual intimacy with one’s spouse. Sexual affairs can be just as damaging as in-person affairs and can cause a lot of heartache and grief.

Pornography

The free and constant access to pornography can lead to many people becoming addicted. Pornographic images can change how a person views sex and women in general. It can impact a person’s desire to engage in sexual activity as well.

Consequences

Whether you spend hours playing online games or you are chatting in chat rooms, spending too much time online is damaging to a marriage. It takes away from spending quality time together and prevents you from taking care of other responsibilities. Using the internet too much can also be a way of coping with problems. It gives people an opportunity to avoid uncomfortable feelings but doesn’t solve anything. Learning new skills and working together on your marriage is important and too much time on the internet prevents that.

Getting Help

Internet addictions often require professional help, just like substance abuse addictions. Internet addictions aren’t as widely discussed and there aren’t as many services available. However, a trained counselor can help a person who wants to address their addictive behaviors.

If your spouse appears to have a problem with the internet, encourage treatment. If your spouse refuses, don’t suffer in silence. Consider seeking treatment for yourself. You can gain support for yourself and learn about how your behaviors may be influencing your spouse.

Are You Losing Your Man to the Internet?

Internet porn is a very serious relationship destroyer.  On the surface, many men and boys seem addicted to it.  And while there are some women and girls who are addicted, women and girls find themselves badly affected by what is happening to the males in their lives. Let’s look at some suggestions for handling this.

Looking at porn online is a different experience from having an affair.  At least, with the latter, there’s a real person involved.  Online porn means that there’s no one there except what’s in your mind.  (One digression here: This will get worse as we get more authentic virtual reality.)  Online porn means that you’re creating an image of the perfect sexual other—in terms of looks and performance. Your present partner will never be equivalent.  Neither will you.  Moreover, in real life, both she and you will get older.  So the “person online” will be chasing ghosts.

Meanwhile, what happens to the present relationship?  Aside from costs and time spent away, the person online will find himself (most of you are men) more satisfied with the online sex rather than the real sex.  A recent set of articles in New York Magazine noted that many men were having to fake orgasms with their live partner for many reasons.  They find the porn “better,” and they may have spent hours masturbating to a screen image.  They may also find themselves personally “engaged” with their online mistress.

The live partner may find herself ignored, distanced, and unfulfilled.  She may want to compete with her fantasy of his fantasy.  While there’s nothing wrong with trying to spice up one’s sex life, no one can win at this competition game.  The New York Magazine articles said that teenage boys were learning about sex online, and so teenage girls were being forced to attempt to become teenage boys’ adult fantasies at ages when they shouldn’t and couldn’t try to compete.  Also, they can’t win.

Can anything be done?  An adult couple can go to a therapist to find out non-porn ways of satisfying each other and deal with other relationship issues.   One man in the above articles went “cold turkey” and was able to find real sex satisfying again.

What to do?  A likely failure is to try to restrict teenage boy’s computer use, or more usefully, provide real life ways to teach boys about healthy sex.

As a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in marriage counseling, I meet so many couples who just don’t know how to be married.

They don’t know what to do, or more importantly, they don’t know what’s expected of them to make their marriage work.

Marriages improve drastically when partners understand what their responsibilities are and commit to fulfilling them.

I’ve identified five “objectives” that form the basis of being successfully married. Over the coming weeks we will examine these five “objectives” one by one. They are:

1. be friends and lovers
2. be a team
3. be life builders
4. be king and queen
5. be masters of growth and healing

OBJECTIVE #1: BE FRIENDS AND LOVERS.

This is the first and most important task of marriage and the primary responsibility for a husband and wife. In the Shevah Brachot that are read at every Jewish wedding, we bless the bride and groom that they should become “beloved friends.” This is the foundation of any good marriage and it is something that must be worked on constantly.

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People often erroneously think, that friendship is something you either have or don’t have. You either like someone or you don’t. Fortunately, we know that a fundamental psychological truth is that we can create loving feelings by acting in loving ways. Many couples don’t try hard enough and give up, because they falsely believe in the romantic notion that “love is a happening.” They think that cupid either hits you with the arrow or he doesn’t; it’s out of human control.

At the end of six months, the man was madly in love with the woman he couldn’t stand six months ago!

I’m reminded of a story that Dr. Laura told on her radio show about the man who decided he had to get a divorce because he no longer loved his wife. Unfortunately, circumstances were such that he could not file for the divorce for six months, and so he was stuck with his unlovable wife. But being a reasonable man, he decided that for the heck of it, he would make the most of the situation by making a list of all the things he would do, if he truly loved his wife. He then began doing these things. At the end of six months, he was madly in love with the woman he couldn’t stand six months ago!

In order to improve an average marriage or to repair a damaged one, we must understand that it is necessary to work at being friends and lovers. The key lies in what we do. Here are some guidelines:

• Stop having bad fights.

To become good friends you must know the difference between a good fight and a bad fight. A bad fight results in one or both of you ending up feeling hurt and damaged. You feel that you have not been heard or understood. There’s no resolution that leads to the inevitable growth of resentments. Bad fighting on a regular basis almost always leads to divorce, so if you’re having them, you must stop them immediately.

Instead of verbal fights, some couples have silent fights, where issues are constantly pushed under the rug and ignored. This is also a “bad fight” because the result is the same. The Torah tells us, “Turn from bad and do good.” You can’t begin to be friends until you turn from the bad, which in this case, means refraining from this kind of damaging conflict.

• Spend time enjoying each other.

As obvious as this sounds, for many couples this is a big secret. Dr. William Doherty, author of the book, Take Back Your Marriage, has based his entire marriage counseling on this one principle. He points out that most marriage problems are the result of a husband and wife not spending enough time together. How can you have a chance at being friends if you the majority of your time together is spent having conversations about the business or managing your family? Simply taking walks together can do wonders for building your friendship. Date night is essential. Once a week might be too difficult for the average stressed-out couple with children, but do it on a regular basis.

• Develop love and intimacy rituals.

Doherty points out that we need to develop good “connecting” rituals. The more we turn towards our spouse, rather than turning away from each other, the more positive sentiment we produce.

For example, how do you greet each other at the end of the day? One husband had his own “greeting ritual,” where he would come home, find his three kids and give them a hug, and then go to his room for twenty minutes, change his clothes, flip on the TV and watch the news. Finally moving towards the kitchen, where his wife was cooking dinner, he’d greet her with something like, “We have to eat quickly tonight in order to make the PTA meeting!” Now how’s that for a love ritual that promotes closeness and friendship!

A husband and wife decided to imitate the affectionate greeting of their dog with astounding results.

Here’s a much better “greeting ritual” which another couple came up with. The husband noticed how his dog greeted him. Every night without fail, as soon as he walked in the door, the dog would come running, tail wagging, and jumping all over him with delight. Being a man of great wisdom, he realized that maybe he could learn something from his dog! He proceeded to ask his wife if they could try greeting each other as their dog greets them. So get this picture in your mind. When he walks in the door, the two of them race towards each other, smiling and laughing and expressing how wonderful it is to see each other. It worked so well, they’ve been doing it for ten years. And imagine the positive impact it has on the children.

A little too much for you? Fine. But could you and your spouse find a better way to greet each other — the way you’d greet each other if you really liked each other and were good friends?

• Schedule in romance.

Here’s one of the most profound pieces of advice I can give you: Don’t wait for intimacy to happen; schedule it. Doesn’t sound very romantic, I know. But it works. Because when you both agree to make time for each other, you’ll be more motivated to enjoy the time you have together. And that “magic moment” you’re waiting for may never arrive.

• Don’t cause pain; give pleasure.

Rabbi Zelig Pliskin calls this the “golden rule of marriage.” Have you every heard of friends who are careless about whether they cause each other pain or not? What sort of friend causes his friend pain? Yet, husbands and wives often do. The main reason is that they don’t think about what the consequences of their words and actions.

Everything you say or do either brings you and your spouse closer together or pushes you further apart.

There is no such thing as down time when you are with your spouse. Everything you say or do either brings you and your spouse closer together or pushes the two of you further apart.

Try this for two days: Both you and your spouse make a commitment to keep a journal of all your interactions with each other, noting whether you acted in a way that promoted friendly feelings or negative feelings. Try to be conscious of every decision you make in your spouse’s presence.

At the end of the two days, sit down and compare notes. How did it feel? Did you feel any improvement in your relationship? If you’re serious about truly being “beloved friends,” it’s hard to believe that you would not make a commitment to apply this principle for the rest of your life!

How to Have a Great Marriage

Edited byImperatrix and 15 others

The wedding was beautiful

The wedding is over and so is the excitement of planning the wedding. Soon you will be settling in to married life. Having the perfect marriage is a mix of compromise and honesty, not subservient behavior.

Edit Steps

1. 1

   Be yourself from the start of any relationship. If you begin the relationship by putting on the front of a perfect hybrid version of you and some sort of Stepford wife, what happens when the cracks begin to show? Be yourself from day one, and your spouse will have proven that you are accepted and loved for who you really are, not who you are pretending to be.
2. 2

   Exercise your sense of humor. A good, stout sense of humor is indispensable for a great marriage. Try to see the humor in difficult situations, it’ll help you both roll with tough times much better.

3. 3

   Forgive, forgive, forgive. The three most important words for a good marriage.

4. 4

   Give each other the benefit of any doubts. You have built a relationship based on trust. Don’t assume that your spouse is doing things for the purpose of irritating you – maybe s/he just doesn’t realize something s/he does is bothering you. Let your spouse know about things that bother you without assuming the worst of him or her, and once it’s out in the open give your mate time to make adjustments and corrections.

5. 5

   Try to let the little annoyances go. Ask yourself if something irritating you is really worth fighting over. Is something wrong, or is it just different from the way you would do it? Allow differences to go by without comment. If something is really bothering you, talk about it in a non-accusatory way, and see if you can work it out without arguing.

6. 6

   Find ways to share responsibility. If you’re both working 80 hours a week, why should the wife still have to do all the cooking and cleaning? Try to find a mix of jobs you both do better, e.g. dishes and lawn mowing, and share responsibility. Find ways of creating a routine that involves everyone, i.e.: “If you take the bins out, I’ll bring them in”, “You wash, I’ll dry”, etc. This will avoid the nagging housewife syndrome. Remember, you will be living together forever( til death do you part) – save some for tomorrow. The world won’t come to an end if you don’t finish all the laundry today.

7. 7

   Make time to sit down together once a day and share time together. Even if it’s only 10 minutes before bed, talk, cuddle, and share each other’s company.

8. 8

   Don’t expect perfection. Remember, your spouse is human, and so are you. Make allowances for the human condition: tired, overworked, over-stressed, family illnesses, personal illnesses, and simple frailty.

9. 9

   Do something nice for your partner during a rough patch. Cold shouldering or constant arguing about a contentious issue will likely just drive you apart. A thoughtful gesture can go a long way in helping you feel closer to each other, making it that much more likely that you will work through your problems. This works especially well if you feel like your partner does not compliment or do nice things for you often any more. Start complimenting them and make it a point to be nice — they’ll WANT to do something nice for you!

10. 10

    Try to find something nice about your partner every day, and say it to them! Whether it’s a compliment on his/her outfit or a thank you for just taking out the trash, it always feels good to get a little boost from the person you love. And you’ll feel good doing the boosting.

11. 11

    Learn from your mistakes. When you say “I’m Sorry”, mean it! That means you won’t repeat the action. Apologizing and then repeating the behavior shows your mate that you weren’t that sorry after all, and it erodes trust over time.

12. 12

    Keep no secrets, and avoid even the appearance of any hanky panky. Being transparent with your partner is important, because it shows you each trust one another with every detail of your lives. If you’re harboring secrets, they will eventually be found out and that will spell trouble for your marriage. Keeping things clear and open prevents suspicion and jealousy. Don’t do things to get a rise out of your spouse, and if someone at the office is hitting on you and won’t stop, tell your boss about it and ask that one of you be transferred. If you maintain a clean appearance and an honest, open communication with your partner, you will be trusted when it’s truly imperative.

13. 13

    Remember that marriage is a nuts and bolts arrangement. While you’re planning your wedding, you may entertain fairy-tale notions of a life lived happily ever after. The reality of marriage is that sometimes, it’s just a day to day grind – one or both of you may be tense, on edge, bored, not happy with the other one, not feel so warm and fuzzy. It’s not all about your feelings. Repeat: it is not all about your feelings. It’s about your commitment to one another. Whether or not you “feel” like you’re in love, “feel” you’re getting your needs met, or whatever, the reality is, you have sworn a vow to one another. A lot of the time, marriage isn’t romantic at all – it’s about teamwork and getting the job done every single day.

14. 14

    Plan for down times. You will have much less stress to deal with if you work together to plan a budget, accumulate at least a small savings account ($500 emergency fund can work wonders), and prepare for the times when things go wrong, life will be much smoother.

15. 15

    Act like everything’s okay. If you’re having a rough patch, feeling like you just can’t remember what attracted you to him in the first place, wondering what possessed you to marry her… just smile and behave yourself in a kind, genteel way. Act like everything is normal. In fact, go out of your way to be kind, thoughtful, and caring toward your mate. It may sound weird, but if you just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and act like nothing’s wrong, eventually, everything really will be normal, okay, and even better.

16. 16

    Don’t be afraid to go to bed angry. A lot of well-meaning people say that you shouldn’t let the sun set on a fight. But it’s far better to simply come to a point in the argument where you can stop fighting actively and sleep on it. Instead of continuing an argument that is escalating out of control and going in circles, stopping, resting, and waking refreshed can give you new perspective, and help you come to a better and more satisfying resolution than just fighting it out until you’re both battered, bloody, and after you’ve said things you can never take back. Sleeping on it will also help you allow residual negative feelings to dissipate – you don’t always just say, “Okay, that’s it, argument over,” and return to those warm, loving feelings – sometimes resentment lingers awhile. Let it go – get some rest. You’ll both feel better in the morning.

17. 17

    Ask yourself what you can do today to make your spouse’s life happier. By finding one way each day to make your partner’s life just a little bit nicer, you will never forget that you truly do care for him or her. Doing nice things for your mate makes you think nice thoughts about him or her. It’s a good habit.

18. 18

    Kiss your spouse for at least 5 seconds before you leave in the morning and before going to bed at night.

19. 19

    Say thank you for the little things (doing the dishes, clearing the table, putting a new roll of toilet paper out, and do these things WITHOUT expectations).

20. 20

    Compliment each other every day. It doesn’t take much to make your spouse feel good. Be sincere and when you’re given a compliment, even if you don’t agree, just say “thank you.”

21. 21

    Hug and hold hands often, daily.

22. 22

    Shut up and listen! You do much more learning with your mouth closed and your mind open. You have one mouth and two ears so you can listen twice as much as you talk.

23. 23

    Argue softly. How you say things can have a larger impact that what you say. Remain calm and speak in a normal tone of voice.

24. 24

    Be cautious and think before you choose the words you use. Before you speak ask yourself this: if you or your spouse died that moment, would you want what you are about to say to be the last words you shared?

25. 25

    At least once a month, have a special evening out with another married couple so you can laugh and learn from each others relationship. Have at least one romantic night out per month and bring the romance home with you!

26. 26

    Take a class together. There are some restaurants that will teach you how to make a meal from start to finish or you can both learn to play a musical instrument. It’s a great way to spend time together and see how each other learns.

27. 27

    Take turns making decisions. It’s no fun when someone asks you for your opinion and you say, “whatever you want.” If all they wanted was what they wanted, they wouldn’t have asked you. Be polite and give a complete and honest answer.

28. 28

    Exercise together. Being healthy and taking care of yourself shows your partner that you want to be around for a long time and will be able to care for them if they get ill.

29. 29

    Appreciate your partner’s strengths as well as their weaknesses. They chose to be with you because there are aspects of your personality that they can learn from and absorb. Show them how much you love them by being supportive when they are weak and proud when they are strong. Listen to what they say, you may learn something.

30. 30

    Do the little things (see number 2). Waking up to a hot cup of coffee or an ironed shirt, or coming home to lit candles are little ways to show that you care.

31. 31

    Show appreciation and don’t ever take him/her for granted or you will miss him/her when they’re gone!

32. 32

    Laugh at the little mistakes in life, hold the drama for major crisis! Don’t make an issue of the “toothpaste tube”, laugh at the small nuisances and you will be a happier person for it!

33. 33

    Accept responsibility for your actions and choices. Be honest in all aspects of your relationship. If you have not been, start now!

34. 34

    Go dancing with your spouse on weekends, it’s great exercise and fun. If you can’t dance then take a lesson together and learn a dance to enjoy with each other.

35. 35

    Go on a walk together. The exercise is not only good for your physical health, it gets the blood pumping through your brains and helps you think more clearly. The views and smells of nature will help relax both of you. The clear minds and the soothing affects will create a great environment to be open and honest and talk about everything.



If you or your spouse fall into negative patterns in the way you relate to one another, you are not just in a rut, you are hurting one another and your marriage.

You can’t compromise or negotiate these behaviors away. You can’t rationalize the behaviors as this is “just the way I am.”

In order to save your marriage, these harmful behaviors must stop.

Emotionally and/or Physically Abusing Your Spouse

This should be a no-brainer, but you may think your control over your spouse’s daily life or your negative responses to your spouse is okay. It isn’t. The day will come when your spouse will say “enough is enough” and your marriage will be over. If you are abusive in any way towards your spouse and children, seek counseling right away.
More …

Breaking Your Promises and Being an Undependable Spouse

Who wants to live with someone who can’t be depended on? The more promises you break, the more you say you will do something and then don’t, the more you are late or not where you say you will be, the more your spouse will lose trust in you.
More …

Being Jealous

One of the sure ways to drive your spouse away and to destroy your marriage is to show irrational jealousy or to spy on your spouse. If you can’t admit to your jealous behavior or change your behavior, seek counseling.
More …

Inability or Not Wanting to Forgive

Resentment over past hurts or betrayals will slowly eat away at your spouse’s love for you and doom your marriage. Not forgiving your spouse also harms your own health. Forgiving doesn’t mean you forget or that you condone hurtful behavior. Don’t let your stubborness or wanting to get revenge cause the end of your marriage.
More …

Putting Romance on the Back Burner

Although your lifestyle situation changes throughout the years, your need for love and affection does not lessen. Talk about your expectations about affection, sex, and romance. Telling yourself that “someday” you will have the time to be romantic will hurt your marriage.
More …

Continuing to Have Unrealistic Expectations

Disillusionment will grow as your expectations continue to be unfulfilled. Once you identify which expectations are based on marriage myths and are unrealistic, talk with one another about having achievable expectations.
More …

Refusing to Listen to or Communicate With Your Spouse

Shutting your spouse out of your life by refusing to talk or to listen is a definite death knell for your marriage. It is so important for you both to share your thoughts and feelings with one another.
More …

Being Unkind or Uncaring Towards Your Spouse

When a lack of caring and kindness or when selfishness creeps into your marriage, the slippery slope to divorce begins. Is it really all that difficult to say “please” or “thank you” to your spouse? Just because the two of you are married doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be courteous to one another.
More …

I Had an Affair – How Do I Say I’m Sorry to My Wife and Have Her Believe Me?

By Katie Lersch

I know that working through the aftermath of an affair is difficult, but it can truly be worth it. Although I never would’ve believed this two years ago, I did eventually truly get over the affair. My marriage is stronger than ever. It took a lot of work, and I had to play the game to win, but it was worth it. Our bond and intimacy is much stronger and because of all the work I did on myself, my self esteem is at an all time high. I no longer worry my husband will cheat again

My Husband Had an Affair, Now What? Help for Moving Forward after Infidelity

“My husband had an affair, now what?” That’s a loaded question, isn’t it? You’re the one left in the dust of his actions. You have to pick up the pieces of your shattered life and decide what to do next. How exactly do you do that when it feels as though the man you adore just ripped your heart from your chest and stomped all over it? No one said marriage would be an easy ride. Challenges face every married couple and unfortunately for some, adultery is part of the process. You didn’t ask to be treated in this manner but since it’s happened you have to deal with it. You can lie down and allow the situation to control you or you can take control of it and map out the future that you want.

Whenever a woman is saying, “my husband had an affair, now what,” she’s looking for guidance on the step she needs to take next. Who says that you have to make any rash decisions in the days, weeks or even months following discovery of the affair? Above and beyond anything else, you need time to process what has happened and the feelings that it’s left you with.

If you know already what your decision is regarding the future of the marriage, sit down with your husband and talk reasonably about it. If you feel that your only recourse is to end the relationship, listen when he tells you what he feels. Although you may not believe that he has a say in anything you decide, you have to consider the fact that the two of you are still partners.

If you feel that rebuilding the marriage is what you truly desire, share that with him too. You do need to make it clear to him though that you have needs that have to be addressed. They may range from seeking out marriage counseling to being able to talk to him openly about what happened. Be honest as honesty is crucial if you hope to save the relationship.

Regardless of where the future takes you and your husband don’t lose sight of yourself. It’s important if you’re a woman who has been cheated on to not shoulder the blame for the betrayal. Your husband made a conscious decision to be unfaithful and even if it stemmed from problems that you two were experiencing, it’s not all your fault. As women we tend to absorb too much of the blame when things go wrong. Do your best not to do that. Stay strong and confident in your appeal as a woman.

The Truth About Infidelity and How to Protect Your Marriage

Sometimes people think that their marriage is immune to an affair. However, when people assume that they would never cheat or that their partner would never cheat, their marriage is actually more vulnerable than ever. It is important to take pro-active steps to help safeguard your marriage from an affair. What Research Says About Infidelity Research [...]