Posts Tagged ‘children’

How Does Divorce Affect the Family? 3 Ways By Everett Maclachlan

Tuesday, October 19th, 2010

Marriage is by all accounts a sacred institution. When people say their vows on their wedding day, that vast majority of them are quite serious when it comes to “until death do us part.”

The seriousness with which most people take their own marriage is why it is so painful for the typical married person to consider the possibility of divorce when things are going badly.

Why Divorce Can Sometimes Look Like the Only Logical Option

Every marriage experiences its ups and downs, good days and bad days. But, many marriages also go through much more serious rough patches. The husbands and wives in these marriages find themselves constantly fighting about this and that. When things get really bad, there can be infidelities, lying and going behind each others’ back.

If your marriage is experiencing problems of a serious nature, sometimes divorce can feel like the only viable way out of your pain and discomfort. As with anything else in life, when something becomes really painful, we will do almost anything to get ourselves out of the pain. In the case of marriage, most people see divorce as the only logical way to make things better.

The prospect of getting a divorce is even harder to consider for people who have kids or who worry about the opinions of extended family members about a would-be divorce. And, these concerns about how the family would react are genuine and well-founded.

How Divorce Affects the Family: 3 Ways

If you are wondering, “How does divorce affect the family?”, here are 3 ways that it can:

1. Divorce can defuse some of the negativity caused by constant fighting or discord: The act of divorce itself is stressful, but a sure result will be that the couple will spend much, much less time together – likely going on to lead separate lives. Any negativity that was being generated from day-to-day interactions as a couple will immediately go away.

2. It forces the family to question the bonds of marriage: On the downside, everyone who loves, knows or cares about the affected couple will question their own faith in the institution of marriage when they find out about the divorce. This is a normal reaction to divorce, reminding us that it affects not only the couple, but everyone they know.

3. It can cause the kids and extended family to be confused about where their allegiance lies: Children of the married couple, as well as extended family members like parents, siblings, aunts and uncles may go through a time of being confused about whom they should support during and after the divorce. The situation forces them to make difficult decisions about where their allegiance lies.

Divorce can affect the family in many ways, good and bad. The 3 ways that divorce can affect the family described above are some of the most typical ways. There are of course many variations on this theme, but these are the main ways divorce affects the family.

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Divorce Effects and Prevalence

Monday, October 18th, 2010

Divorce Effects and Prevalence

As I grow to understand life less and less, I learn to live it more and more.

It may be helpful to understand a little about divorce and the typical effects it has on men, women and children. The divorce rate in the United States is the highest in the world. Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. Sixty-seven percent of all second marriages end in divorce. As high as these figures are, what is also true is that the divorce rate appears to be dropping. The reasons for this change are not clear. Many people cannot afford to divorce, many people cannot afford to marry. Another reason is that “baby boomers,” who account for a large proportion of our population are no longer in their 20s and 30s, the ages when divorce is most prevalent. The societal expectation is that divorced life is less satisfying than married life. Divorce is associated with an increase in depression–people experience loss of partner, hopes and dreams, and lifestyle. The financial reality of divorce is often hard to comprehend: the same resources must now support almost twice the expenses.

Fifty percent of all children are children of divorce. Twenty-eight percent of all children are born of never married parents. Divorce is expensive. Aid for Dependent Children (AFDC) resources are drained by the needs of divorced and single parent families; including the cost of collecting child support.

Here are some of the experiences of men and women in divorce.

For women:

1. Women initiate divorce twice as often as men

2. 90% of divorced mothers have custody of their children (even if they did not receive it in court)

3. 60% of people under poverty guidelines are divorced women and children

4. Single mothers support up to four children on an average after-tax annual income of $12,200

5. 65% divorced mothers receive no child support (figure based on all children who could be eligible, including never-married parents, when fathers have custody, and parents without court orders); 75% receive court-ordered child support (and rising since inception of uniform child support guidelines, mandatory garnishment and license renewal suspension)

6. After divorce, women experience less stress and better adjustment in general than do men. The reasons for this are that (1) women are more likely to notice marital problems and to feel relief when such problems end, (2) women are more likely than men to rely on social support systems and help from others, and (3) women are more likely to experience an increase in self-esteem when they divorce and add new roles to their lives.

7. Women who work and place their children in child care experience a greater stigma than men in the same position. Men in the same position often attract support and compassion.

For men:

1. Men are usually confronted with greater emotional adjustment problems than women. The reasons for this are related to the loss of intimacy, the loss of social connection, reduced finances, and the common interruption of the parental role.

2. Men remarry more quickly than women.

3. As compared to “deadbeat dads,” men who have shared parenting (joint legal custody), ample time with their children, and an understanding of and direct responsibility for activities and expenses of children stay involved in their children’s lives and are in greater compliance with child support obligations. There is also a greater satisfaction with child support amount when negotiated in mediation. Budgets are prepared, and responsibility divided in a way that parents understand.

4. Men are initially more negative about divorce than women and devote more energy in attempting to salvage the marriage.

Effects of Divorce on Children

In the last few years, higher-quality research which has allowed the “meta-analysis” of previously published research, has shown the negative effects of divorce on children have been greatly exaggerated. In the past we read that children of divorce suffered from depression, failed in school, and got in trouble with the law. Children with depression and conduct disorders showed indications of those problems predivorce because there was parental conflict predivorce. Researchers now view conflict, rather than the divorce or residential schedule, as the single most critical determining factor in children’s post-divorce adjustment. The children who succeed after divorce, have parents who can communicate effectively and work together as parents.

Actually, children’s psychological reactions to their parents’ divorce vary in degree dependent on three factors: (1) the quality of their relationship with each of their parents before the separation, (2) the intensity and duration of the parental conflict, and (3) the parents’ ability to focus on the needs of children in their divorce.

Older studies showed boys had greater social and academic adjustment problems than girls. New evidence indicates that when children have a hard time, boys and girls suffer equally; they just differ in how they suffer. Boys are more externally symptomatic than girls, they act out their anger, frustration and hurt. They may get into trouble in school, fight more with peers and parents. Girls tend to internalize their distress. They may become depressed, develop headaches or stomach aches, and have changes in their eating and sleeping patterns.

A drop in parents’ income often caused by the same income now supporting two households directly affects children over time in terms of proper nutrition, involvement in extracurricular activities, clothing (no more designer jeans and fancy shoes), and school choices. Sometimes a parent who had stayed home with the children is forced into the workplace and the children experience an increase in time in child care.

A child’s continued involvement with both of his or her parents allows for realistic and better balanced future relationships. Children learn how to be in relationship by their relationship with their parents. If they are secure in their relationship with their parents, chances are they will adapt well to various time-sharing schedules and experience security and fulfillment in their intimate relationships in adulthood. In the typical situation where mothers have custody of the children, fathers who are involved in their children’s lives are also the fathers whose child support is paid and who contribute to extraordinary expenses for a child: things like soccer, music lessons, the prom dress, or a special class trip. One important factor which contributes to the quality and quantity of the involvement of a father in a child’s life is mother’s attitude toward the child’s relationship with father. When fathers leave the marriage and withdraw from their parenting role as well, they report conflicts with the mother as the major reason.

The impact of father or mother loss is not likely to be diminished by the introduction of stepparents. No one can replace Mom or Dad. And no one can take away the pain that a child feels when a parent decides to withdraw from their lives. Before embarking on a new family, encourage clients to do some reading on the common myths of step families. Often parents assume that after the remarriage “we will all live as one big happy family.” Step family relationships need to be negotiated, expectations need to be expressed, roles need to be defined, realistic goals need to be set.

Most teenagers (and their parents) eventually adjust to divorce and regard it as having been a constructive action, but one-third do not. In those instances, the turbulence of the divorce phase (how adversarial a battle it is), has been shown to play a crucial role in creating unhealthy reactions in affected teenagers.

Joan Kelly, PhD, former president of the Academy of Family Mediators and prominent divorce researcher from California reports that, depending on the strength of the parent-child bond at the time of divorce, the parent-child relationship diminishes over time for children who see their fathers less than 35% of the time. Court-ordered “standard visitation” patterns typically provide less.

# Days
Every other weekend 48
4 weeks in summer 28
½ spring break 3
½ winter break 7
½ holidays 4
Total 90 days = 25%
Add 1 day per week 44
Total 134 days = 35%


Divorce also has some positive effects for children. Single parents are often closer to their children than married parents were. This is can also be negative as when a child takes on too much responsibility because one or both parents are not functioning well as a parent, or when a parent talks to a child about how hurt they are by the other parent, or how horrible that other parent is. Often a separated parent will make an effort to spend quality time with the children and pay attention to their desires (Disneyland, small gifts, phone calls, etc). And you can imagine that some children might find some benefit in celebrating two Christmases and birthdays each year. If both parents remarry, they may have twice as many supportive adults/nurturers. At the very least, when parents can control their conflict, the children can experience freedom from daily household tension between parents.

Emotional Stages of Divorce

The decision to end a relationship can be traumatic, chaotic, and filled with contradictory emotions. There are also specific feelings, attitudes, and dynamics associated with whether one is in the role of the initiator or the receiver of the decision to breakup. For example, it is not unusual for the initiator to experience fear, relief, distance, impatience, resentment, doubt, and guilt. Likewise, when a party has not initiated the divorce, they may feel shock, betrayal, loss of control, victimization, decreased self esteem, insecurity, anger, a desire to “get even,” and wishes to reconcile.

To normalize clients experiences during this time, it may be helpful to know that typical emotional stages have been identified with ending a relationship. It may also be helpful to understand that marriages do not breakdown overnight; the breakup is not the result of one incident; nor is the breakup the entire fault of one party. The emotional breaking up process typically extends over several years and is confounded by each party being at different stages in the emotional process while in the same stage of the physical (or legal) process.

It is also quite normal to do different things to try to create distance from the former partner while divorcing. Unfortunately, this distancing often takes the form of fault finding. Not to be disrespectful, but it’s not unlike the process one goes through in deciding to buy a new car: somehow every flaw in that favorite old car needs to be noticed and exaggerated in order to feel okay about selling it. Also, if the other person is portrayed as really awful, one can escape any responsibility for the end of the marriage. A common response to divorce is to seek vengeance. When parties put their focus on getting even, there is an equal amount of energy expended on being blameless. What’s true is that blaming and fault finding are not necessary or really helpful. Psychologist Jeffrey Kottler has written a very helpful book on this subject entitled Beyond Blame: A New Way of Resolving Conflicts in Relationships, published by Jossey-Bass.

Another normal rationalization is that the marriage was a wholly unpleasant experience and escaping it is good. Or the marriage was unpleasant and now the other partner must make this up in the divorce. Thinking that the marriage was wholly unpleasant is unfair to both parties and can hinder emotional healing. Both stayed in the marriage for as long as they did because there were some good things about it. There were also some things that did not work for them and these are why they are divorcing.

Much of your clients’ healing will involve acceptance, focusing on the future, taking responsibility for their own actions (now and during the marriage), and acting with integrity. Focusing on the future they would like to create may require an acknowledgment of each other’s differing emotional stages and a compassionate willingness to work together to balance the emotional comfort of both parties.

The following information on the emotional stages of ending a relationship is provided to help parties through the emotional quagmire of ending a relationship and assist in their personal healing.

I. DISILLUSIONMENT OF ONE PARTY (sometimes 1-2 years before verbalized)

A. Vague feelings of discontentment, arguments, stored resentments, breaches of trust
B. Problems are real but unacknowledged
C. Greater distance; lack of mutuality
D. Confidential, fantasy, consideration of pros and cons of divorce
E. Development of strategy for separation
F. Feelings: fear, denial, anxiety, guilt, love, anger, depression, grief

II. EXPRESSING DISSATISFACTION (8-12 months before invoking legal process)

A. Expressing discontent or ambivalence to other party
B. Marital counseling, or
C. Possible honeymoon phase (one last try)
D. Feelings: relief (that it’s out in the open), tension, emotional roller coaster, guilt, anguish, doubt, grief

III. DECIDING TO DIVORCE (6-12 months before invoking legal process)

A. Creating emotional distance (i.e., disparaging the other person/situation in order to leave it)
B. Seldom reversible (because it’s been considered for awhile)
C. Likely for an affair to occur
D. Other person just begins Stage I (considering divorce) and feels denial, depressed, rejected, low self-esteem, anger
E. Both parties feel victimized by the other
F. Feelings: anger, resentment, sadness, guilt, anxiety for the family, the future, impatience with other, needy

IV. ACTING ON DECISION (beginning the legal process)

A. Physical separation
B. Emotional separation (complicated by emotional flareups)
C. Creating redefinition (self orientation)
D. Going public with the decision
E. Setting the tone for the divorce process (getting legal advice and setting legal precedent: children, support, home)
F. Choosing sides and divided loyalties of friends and families
G. Usually when the children find out (they may feel responsible, behave in ways to make parents interact)
H. Feelings: traumatized, panic, fear, shame, guilt, blame, histrionics

V. GROWING ACCEPTANCE (during the legal process or after)

A. Adjustments: physical, emotional
B. Accepting that the marriage wasn’t happy or fulfilling
C. Regaining a sense of power and control, creating a plan for the future, creating a new identity, discovering new talents and resources
D. This is the best time to be in mediation: parties can look forward and plan for the future; moods can be more elevated (thrill of a second chance at life)

VI. NEW BEGINNINGS (completing the legal process to four years after)

A. Parties have moved beyond the blame and anger to forgiveness, new respect, new roles
B. Experiences: insight, acceptance, integrity.Comparing Mediation and Litigation

Why is mediation a compassionate and appropriate venue for helping people in divorce? On the average, it takes family members approximately four to eight years to recover from the emotional and financial expense of a bitter adversarial divorce. In an adversarial divorce, there is no possible resolution of the emotional issues, only decreased trust and increased resentment.

A litigated divorce can cost each party $5,000 to $35,000. The focus is on assigning blame and fault and skirmishing for the most powerful position (changing locks, freezing bank accounts, getting temporary custody of the children). Communications between parties break down. Negotiations proceed through attorneys and are strategic and positioned. Attorneys have an ethical responsibility to zealously advocate for the best interest of their client. Often there is no consideration of the best interests of the children or recognition for the need for parties to have an ongoing relationship because they have children, friends, extended family, and community together. Going to court is an expensive risk; someone who does not know you makes decisions for you that will affect your whole life.

Mediators may save clients thousands of dollars in immediate and future legal and counseling fees. Mediators can focus parties on creating their best possible future and help parties resolve their emotional issues for the best interests of their children and their own psychological well being. Mediators can help parties feel understood, accept responsibility for the failure of the marriage and, when there are children, begin to reshape their relationship from one of partners to coparents. Mediators can empower clients by helping them be at their best (rather than their worst) during a challenging time in their lives, enable them to have an active role in their separating (creative choice vs. court imposition), create a clear and understandable road map for the future, make informed decisions, and to look back at their behavior in the mediation of their divorce with integrity and self respect.

Typical Reactions of Children to Divorce

Much of children’s post-divorce adjustment is dependent on (1) the quality of their relationship with each parent before the divorce, (2) the intensity and duration of the parental conflict, and (3) the parents’ ability to focus on the needs of the children in the divorce. Typically, children whose parents are going through a rough divorce engage in behaviors which are designed to help them feel secure. What follows are some typical experiences of children to divorce and separation:

A. DENIAL

This especially occurs in young children and surfaces as story telling (Mommy and Daddy and me going to Disneyland; we’re moving into a duplex and Daddy will live next door; they will also have reconciliation fantasies).

B. ABANDONMENT

When parents separate, children worry who will take care of them. They are afraid they too are divorceable and will be abandoned by one or both of their parents. This problem is worsened by one or both parents taking the children into their confidence, talking about the other parent in front of the children, using language like “Daddy is divorcing us,” being late for pick-up, or abducting the children. Children who are feeling insecure will say things to a parent which is intended to evoke a mama bear/papa bear response (a demonstration of protectiveness). If children do not have “permission” to have a good relationship with the other parent, or if they think they need to “take care of” one of their parents in the divorce, they are likely to end up having feelings of divided loyalties between their parents or, in the extreme, they may become triangulated with one parent against the other parent.

C. PREOCCUPATION WITH INFORMATION

Children will want details of what is happening and how it affects them. Communication from the parents needs to be unified and age appropriate.

D. ANGER AND HOSTILITY

Children may express anger and hostility with peers, siblings, or parents. School performance may be impaired. Hostility of children toward parents is often directed at the parent perceived to be at fault. Hostility turned inward looks like depression in children.

E. DEPRESSION

Lethargy, sleep and eating disturbances, acting out, social withdrawal, physical injury (more common in adolescents).

F. IMMATURITY/HYPERMATURITY

Children may regress to an earlier developmental stage when they felt assured of both parents’ love. They may do some “baby-talk” or wet their beds. Children may become “parentified” by what they perceive to be the emotional and physical needs of their parents (“Someone needs to be in charge here.”)

G. PREOCCUPATION WITH RECONCILIATION

The more conflict there is between the parents, the longer children hold onto the notion of their parents’ reconciliation. It is clear that the parents are not “getting on” with their lives. Children will often act out in ways which force their parents to interact (negatively or positively). Children whose parents were very conflictual during the marriage often mistake the strong emotions of conflict with intimacy. They see the parents as engaged in an intimate relationship.

H. BLAME AND GUILT

Because so much marital conflict may be related to the stress of parenting, children often feel responsible for their parents’ divorce–they feel that somehow their behavior contributed to it. This is especially true when parents fight during exchanges of the children or in negotiating schedules: children see that parents are fighting over them. They may try to bargain their parents back together by promises of good behavior; they may have difficulty with transitions or refuse to go with the other parent.

I. ACTING OUT

Children will often act out their own and their parents’ anger. In an attempt to survive in a hostile environment, children will often take the side of the parent they are presently with. This may manifest in refusals to talk to the other parent on the phone or reluctance to share time with the other parent. Adolescents will typically act out in ways similar to how the parents are acting out.

In summary, expect that children will test a parent’s loyalty, experience loyalty binds, not want to hurt either parent, force parents to interact because they don’t want the divorce, try to exert some power in the situation, express anger over the divorce, occasionally refuse to go with the other parent (normal divorce stress, loyalty conflict/triangulation, or they may simply not want to stop doing what they’re doing at the moment–similar to the reaction we’ve all gotten when we pick our children up from child care, or we want to go home from the park).

The most common problem which arise tend to stem from triangulation, divided loyalties, and projection. Some indicators of each are:

a. Triangulation: Child refuses to have time with the other parent or talk to the other parent on the phone, child badmouths the other parent.

b. Divided loyalties: When a child tells each parent different and opposing things about what they want it is a good indication that the child is trying to please both parents and is experiencing divided loyalties.

c. Projection: Children are barometers of a parent’s emotional well-being. Usually a parent reporting the stress of a child can not see that the child is acting on the parent’s anxiety. Parents should ask themselves how they are feeling about the divorce, the other parent, and the time sharing arrangements before assuming the child is having difficulty adjusting or assuming the problem is with the other household.

Signs of Stress in Children

Sometimes parents need help identifying stress in children, especially little ones. What follows are some typical experiences and signs of stress in children of different ages.

I. INFANTS AND TODDLERS:

A. Regression in terms of sleeping, toilet training or eating; slowing down in the mastery of new skills
B. Sleep disturbances (difficulty gong to sleep; frequent waking)
C. Difficulty leaving parent; clinginess
D. General crankiness, temper tantrums, crying.

II. THREE TO FIVE YEARS:

A. Regression: returning to security blankets and discarded toys, lapses in toilet training, thumb sucking
B. Immature grasp of what has happened; bewildered; making up fantasy stories
C. Blaming themselves and feeling guilty
D. Bedtime anxiety; fitful/fretful sleep; frequent waking
E. Fear of being abandoned by both parents; clinginess
F. Greater irritability, aggression, temper tantrums.

III. SIX TO EIGHT YEARS:

A. Pervasive sadness; feeling abandoned and rejected
B. Crying and sobbing
C. Afraid of their worst fears coming true
D. Reconciliation fantasies
E. Loyalty conflicts; feeling physically torn apart
F. Problems with impulse control; disorganized behavior.

IV. NINE TO TWELVE YEARS:

A. Able to see family disruption clearly; try to bring order to situation
B. Fear of loneliness
C. Intense anger at the parent they blame for causing the divorce
D. Physical complaints; headaches and stomach aches
E. May become overactive to avoid thinking about the divorce
F. Feel ashamed of what’s happening in their family; feel they are different from other children.

V. ADOLESCENTS:

A. Fear of being isolated and lonely
B. Experience parents as leaving them; feel parents are not available to them
C. Feel hurried to achieve independence
D. Feel in competition with parents
E. Worry about their own future loves and marriage; preoccupied with the survival of relationships
F. Discomfort with a parent’s dating and sexuality
G. Chronic fatigue; difficulty concentrating
H. Mourn the loss of the family of their childhood.

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Biography


Kathleen O’Connell Corcoran

Kathleen O’Connell Corcoran, Ph.D., died at the age of 50 of cancer on September 19, 1998. Kathleen was a nationally-recognized mediation practitioner and trainer, providing basic and advanced mediation, conflict resolution, and facilitation training as well as supervision, consultation, and internships. She was a Practitioner Member of the Academy of Family Mediators. Kathleen encouraged all whom she worked with in mediation to “do the right thing.” She appealed to all of us to be our best and to give our children the love and support they need.

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The Truth about Spanking

Sunday, September 26th, 2010

By Jordan Riak
Dedicated to the Memory of Alice Miller 1923-2010

Parents and Teachers Against Violence in Education (PTAVE) offers this publication for the benefit of children everywhere. The ideas that you will read here are not new. There have always been wise and perceptive people in every civilized culture who have practiced and advocated violence-free interactions with children. But, for the most part, their good example and good advice have been ignored or rejected, and the consequences to humanity have been incalculable. In these few pages we have attempted to summarize their message and offer it once again.
Criticism of traditional parenting methods is typically met with suspicion, resistance, and hostility. Were this fundamental conservatism of human nature to express itself in words, it might say something like this:
If the old methods worked well enough for past generations, they’ll surely work for the next. Don’t fix it if it isn’t broken. Don’t mess with success. Sometimes children just need a good smack on the bottom to get their attention. It never did a child any harm. That’s how I was raised, and I turned out okay.
But just how well did we really turn out? Sooner or later we have to admit that perhaps not all family traditions are created equal. Maybe, in some cases, they’ve made our lives more precarious and unhappy than they need to have been. And maybe – just maybe – we haven’t turned out quite as “okay” as we’d like to believe and have others believe.
When we praise our parents’ treatment of us when we were little, are we merely fishing for approval of our own similar behaviors now? Are we trying to reassure ourselves that the way we want to remember things is the way they really were and ought to remain?
Let’s test the I-turned-out-okay argument by examining a few real-life examples from my own childhood. See if they apply to you.
2010 EILLUSTRATION: Herman Wiederwohl
Published 1992. Updated in subsequent reprintings.
Parents and Teachers Against Violence in Education (PTAVE)
P.O. Box 1033, Alamo, CA 94507-7033 U.S.
1. There were ashtrays in every room of our house. My parents smoked, as did most adult visitors to our home. The aroma of cigarette, cigar and pipe smoke was always present. Nobody minded. In fact, not one day passed in my early life when I was not exposed to tobacco smoke. I was even exposed in the womb because my mother smoked when she was pregnant with me. And I turned out okay.
2. The first family car I remember was a 1937 Chevrolet sedan. It had no seat belts. When we traveled, I was merely plunked down on the back seat with the expectation that gravity would keep me there. It did. And I turned out okay.
3. All the places in which I lived as a child were painted with lead-based paint. And I turned out okay.
4. I used a bicycle throughout my childhood and teen years, but never wore any kind of protective headgear. And I turned out okay.
Was my family wise or just lucky? Today, we don’t do those things anymore. We don’t take such risks, and we don’t expose our children to such risks – not if we know the facts.
2010 EDITION 2010 EDITION
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The lasting effect
Current research in the fields of mental health and child development supports the theory that acts of violence against a child, no matter how brief or how mild, are like exposing the child to a toxin. Repeated exposure has a cumulative and enduring effect. To some extent, we can demonstrate this from personal experience. Most of us would have to admit that the most vivid and unpleasant childhood memories are those of being mistreated by our parents. Some people find the memory of such events so disturbing they pretend that they were trivial, even funny. You’ll notice them smiling as they describe how they were punished. It is shame, not pleasure, that makes them smile. As a protection against present pain, they disguise the memory of past feelings.
Some parents, eager to justify their behavior, will argue: “You have a duty to grab a child who is about to do something dangerous – to touch the hot stove or run into a busy street – and deliver a good smack so that your warnings about life’s dangers will be remembered.” Were that argument valid, spankings would become increasingly infrequent as children learned their lessons. But that’s not what usually happens. Spankings tend to escalate in frequency and severity, and spanked children tend to behave worse. In fact, being spanked throws children into a state of powerful confusion, making it difficult for them to learn the lessons adults claim they are trying to teach. Parents who deliver the so-called “good smack” are not teaching their children that hot stoves and busy streets are dangerous. They are teaching them that the grownups upon whom they depend are dangerous. That’s a bad lesson.
Lost trust
Survival is the newborn infant’s overriding concern. Fear of falling and of loud noises, like the need to suckle, are not learned responses. They come ready-made and fully functioning at birth. And beginning immediately after birth, the sound of the mother’s voice, the warmth and gentleness of her touch, the scent of her body, the taste of her milk – these key experiences inform the infant of its world and set the stage for all that follows. Trust is crucial and must be established early. Tragically for many, it is destroyed early. Neglect, rough handling, threats, shouts and associated harsh treatment including spanking, all of which begin earlier in children’s lives than anyone wants to admit, are the principal agents of that destruction.
Over the years, I’ve compiled a list of synonyms for spanking. That list continues to grow. I don’t think there is another act with as many names for it in the English language. The reason for this seems clear to me. People who hit children feel compelled to trivialize and minimize
the act, even to the point of making it seem comical. To this end, they have created a special language for the subject. They improvise endlessly on that language as if it were possible to sweeten violence toward children merely by inventing new, colorful, funny-sounding names for it.
Meanwhile, what’s happening to the unseen, internal life of the child? The spanked child, like one who is denied adequate food, warmth or rest, is less able to regard the parent as a source of love and security. The parent-child relationship is inevitably soured by this betrayal, and consequently the child fails to mature and thrive in the best possible way.
When trust between children and their closest caretakers is damaged, the children’s ability to form trusting relationships with others is also damaged, and the effect may be lifelong. People who have been harmed this way tend to see all relationships as negotiations, as deals to be won or lost. They are always on guard. They see honesty and trustfulness in others as weaknesses to be exploited exactly as it was once done to them. They tend to see the world as an extension of their early home life – a dangerous environment in which the best protection against being a victim is to become a victimizer.
Neglect and permissiveness
Defenders of spanking often argue that a caretaker’s only choice is between spanking and doing nothing. That’s a false choice. Permissiveness is as unwise and counterproductive as hitting. The wise caretaker establishes a safe environment with age-appropriate boundaries and reasonable rules, models called-for behaviors, and appeals to and cultivates the child’s natural inclination toward imitation and cooperation. This method takes more skill and patience than hitting, but it works. It strengthens the bond of trust between parent and child, between teacher and learner, thus paving the way for the more challenging lessons ahead.
Spousal battery and spanking
In the overwhelming majority of cases, husbands and wives whose relationships include violence are also violent toward their children. Such people surely were spanked when they were little and likely witnessed others being spanked.
Battering and battered spouses who spank their children are raising them to become batterers and victims exactly like themselves. The children learn from the parents’ example that the way to vent frustration, express disapproval and assert authority is by hitting someone smaller and weaker than themselves. They see this principle demonstrated every time they witness their
SPANKING – The Facts
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parents come to blows, as well as every time they are on the receiving end of violent punishments. They learn that once they are big enough and strong enough, they can control others by threatening or hurting them. They learn that it is okay for husbands and wives to mistreat each other and for adults to mistreat children.
When children, whose personalities have been formed in violent households, grow up and have children of their own, they find it very difficult to break free from the behaviors they have witnessed and experienced. The skills they apply to family life will be the poor ones they learned from their parents, and they are likely to perpetuate the cycle of abuse through their own innocent children.
As spanking disappears from family life, other forms of domestic violence will also disappear.
Escalation
Physical injuries and deaths of children caused by their caretakers often are the consequence of physical punishment. Perpetrators of even the most horrendous acts against children typically explain that the child’s misbehavior called for punishment, and the outcome was unintended. “Accidental” is the child abuser’s all-weather alibi.
Many infants’ and toddlers’ deaths attributed to accidents such as falling out of the crib, falling down the stairs, or accidentally drowning in the bathtub because the parent was distracted by a telephone call, would be reclassified as homicides if the truth were known. Sometimes the victim is blamed for his own misfortune, for example: “he bruises easily,” “has soft bones,” “is accident prone,” “she brought it on herself,” or “wouldn’t hold still.”
Some defenders of spanking caution that spanking, to be done correctly, must be done with deliberation and methodically. “Never spank in anger,” they say. The implicit message here is that it’s quite alright to hurt another person on condition that one does it calmly. (Sadists enthusiastically endorse this formula.) But it is highly unlikely that anyone being abused – child or adult – notices or cares about the abuser’s frame of mind.
Many spankers are habituated to the practice because it provides them with an instant outlet for their feelings of frustration and anger – not because they’ve found it an effective way to improve a child’s behavior. And because acts of violence, by their very nature, tend to escalate as they are indulged, there is no safe way to hit a child.
Spanking and sexual molestation
Spanked children learn that their bodies are not their personal property. Spanking trains them that even their sexual areas are subject to the will of adults. The child who submits to a spanking on Monday is not likely to say no to a molester on Tuesday. It’s time spankers realized
that – no matter what else they think they are accomplishing – they are setting children up to be easy prey for predators.
Spanking the buttocks and sexual development
Medical science has long recognized and documented in great detail how being struck on the buttocks can stimulate sexual feelings. Children are especially susceptible. The tragic consequence for many children who have been punished by spanking is that they form a connection between pain, humiliation and sexual arousal that endures for the rest of their lives.
In Slaughter of the Innocents, David Bakan writes: “…The buttocks are the locus for the induction of pain in a child. We are familiar with the argument that it is a safe ‘locus’ for spanking. However, the anal region is also the major erotic region at precisely the time the child is likely to be beaten there. Thus it is aptly chosen to achieve the result of deranged sexuality in adulthood…” 1971 (p. 113)
The pornography and prostitution industries do a thriving business catering to the needs of countless unfortunate individuals whose sexual development has been derailed by childhood spankings. If we put all other considerations aside, this should be reason enough never to spank a child.
The physical dangers of hitting the buttocks
Located deep in the buttocks is the sciatic nerve, the largest nerve in the body. A severe blow to the buttocks, particularly with a blunt instrument, could cause bleeding in the muscles that surround that nerve, possibly injuring it and causing impairment to the involved leg.
In addition to nerve damage and soft tissue damage, a blow to the buttocks can cause injury to the tailbone (coccyx) or sacrum. It sends force waves upward through the spinal column possibly causing disc compression or compression fractures of vertebral bones.
Some people, in their attempt to justify battering children’s buttocks, claim that God or nature intended that part of the anatomy for spanking. That claim is brazenly perverse. No part of the human body was made to be mistreated.
Physical danger of hitting the hands
The child’s hand is particularly vulnerable because its ligaments, nerves, tendons and blood vessels are close to the skin, which has no underlying protective tissue. Striking the hands of younger children is especially dangerous to the growth plates in the bones, which, if damaged, can cause deformity or impaired function. Striking a child’s hand can also cause fractures, dislocations and lead to premature osteoarthritis.
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Shaking
Being shaken can cause a child blindness, whiplash, brain damage, spinal cord injury and even death.
Spanking at home, performance at school
Perceptive teachers will tell you that the children who exhibit the most serious behavior problems at school also have the most troubled home environments. For many of these children, the battle zone which is their home life carries over into their school life. This sets them up for academic failure and dropout. In their attempt to erect a shield against what they see as a comfortless, hostile world, these children naturally seek the company of other children with similar problems. Street gangs evolve to fill the void left by failed home life and failed school life.
We should not be surprised that many youngsters reject the adult world to the degree they believe it has rejected them. Nor should we be surprised that those who throughout childhood have been recipients of violence will become dispensers of it as soon as they are able.
Some teachers work tirelessly to curb violence- impacted children’s aggressiveness, to instill trust which those children lack, and to redirect their energies in positive directions. But that is a daunting task for even the most-dedicated and best-prepared teachers. It requires extraordinary resources unavailable to public school systems.
School dropout, addiction and delinquency would cease to be major problems wracking our nation if only it were possible to persuade parents and other caretakers to stop socializing children in ways likely to make them antisocial and/or self-destructive.
Spanking, smoking, drinking and drugs
To be spanked is a degrading, humiliating experience. The spanked child absorbs not only the blows but also the message they convey: “You’re worthless. I reject you!” That message powerfully influences the child’s developing personality. It instills self-hatred.
Sooner or later every child is exposed to substances that promise instant relief from feelings of worthlessness and rejection. Everywhere people can be seen medicating themselves in order to feel good. It’s hard to convince a child who is suffering that something swallowed, inhaled or injected cannot relieve the pain more than briefly, but will compound it by creating additional, serious problems.
Spanking and criminal behavior
Everyone is familiar with the list of social maladies believed to be at the root of violent criminal behavior: poverty, discrimination, family breakdown, narcotics, gangs and easy access to deadly weapons. And it’s clear that every item in the above list contributes to violence and crime. However, one key ingredient is rarely
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acknowledged – spanking. In 1940, researchers Sheldon and Eleanor Glueck
began their landmark study of delinquent and nondelinquent boys. They discovered how certain early childhood influences cause children to develop antisocial, violent behaviors. They showed that the first signs of delinquency often appear in children as young as three – long before children come into contact with influences outside the home. The Gluecks showed that parents who fail to manage their children calmly, gently and patiently, but instead rely on physical punishment, tend to produce aggressive, assaultive children. The more severe and the earlier the mistreatment, the worse the outcome.
The Gluecks also found that the lowest incidence of antisocial behavior is associated with children who are reared from infancy in attentive, supportive, nonviolent families.
The message here for all parents is a simple one: if you want to do everything within your power to prevent your child from one day joining the prison population, guide gently and patiently. Remove shaming, shouting, ignoring, threatening, insulting, bullying and spanking from your parenting tool kit.
Spanking and prejudice
Spanking fills children with anger and the urge to retaliate. But this urge is almost never directly acted upon. Even the most severely spanked children, as a general rule, will not strike back at those who have hurt them. Instead, they are likely to seek relief in fantasy where they can safely vent their anger against make-believe adversaries. Sometimes bullying and acts of cruelty against younger siblings or family pets serve this purpose. Much popular entertainment aimed at young audiences caters to this need.
As children grow and come under the influence of prejudices within their community, their anger can be easily channeled toward scapegoated groups. Hate cults and extremist political factions and sects beckon to them with open arms, offering an opportunity to convert fantasy into reality. In every generation, more than a few seize that offer.
Spanking and brain development
In early childhood, the brain develops faster than any other organ in the body. By age 5, the brain reaches about 90 percent of its adult weight, and by 7, it is fully grown. This makes early childhood a very sensitive and critical period in brain development.
Stress caused by pain and fear of spanking can negatively affect the development and function of a child’s brain. It is precisely during this period of great plasticity and vulnerability that many children are subjected to physical punishment. The effect can be a derailing of
natural, healthy brain growth, resulting in life-long and irreversible abnormalities.
According to researcher Dr. Martin Teicher of McLean Hospital in Massachusetts, “We know that an animal exposed to stress and neglect in early life develops a brain that is wired to experience fear, anxiety and stress. We think the same is true of people.” (From “Child Abuse Changes the Developing Brain,” Yahoo! News, Dec. 29, 2000.)
In Teicher’s article, “The Neurobiology of Child Abuse,” Scientific American, March 2002, he writes: “…New brain imaging surveys and other experiments have shown that child abuse can cause permanent damage to the neural structure and function of the developing brain itself. This grim result suggests that much more effort must be made to prevent childhood abuse and neglect before it does irrevocable harm to millions of young victims (p. 70)… Society reaps what it sows in the way it nurtures children… (p. 75).” See www.nospank.net/ mteicher.htm .
No responsible parent would deliberately jeopardize a child’s normal brain development, yet that is precisely what spankers unwittingly do.
Spanking at school
The disciplinary hitting of students in the United States typically involves battering the buttocks with a flat stick or board called a paddle. At the time of this writing, the practice is legal in 20 states. It should be understood that paddling is not the only method for inflicting pain. Forced exercise and denial of use of the bathroom, for instance, are commonly used as forms of corporal punishment. But paddling, because it is specifically prescribed and so blatant, serves to overshadow and thereby give cover to less obvious forms of abusive treatment.
Corporal punishment is deemed by its users and defenders as being in the children’s best interests and essential to the smooth functioning of the school. Were that true, schools that are the most punitive would be the highest-performing, children who are routinely punished would be the best behaved, and teachers’ colleges would teach paddling. In fact, school systems with the highest rates of corporal punishment are the worst-performing, children who are the most punished are the most troubled and difficult to manage, and there is not one accredited college in the United States that instructs future educators in the proper method for hitting children. Documented research shows a correlation between school corporal punishment and certain negative social outcomes. States that have the highest rates of school paddling also have the lowest graduation rates, the highest rates of teen pregnancy, the highest incarceration rates and the highest murder rates. (See “Correlation between high rates of corporal punishment in public schools and social
pathologies,” (2002) See www.nospank.net/ correlationstudy.htm
The use of corporal punishment in schools also has a demoralizing effect on teachers who don’t condone the practice. They have difficulty working alongside paddlers. Their survival in such an environment depends on their willingness to remain silent about what they witness. They know that paddlers feel threatened by their very presence. It’s not unusual for a paddling school to degenerate to a level where it is nothing more than a magnet and safe haven for incompetent teachers, including some who are dangerously unfit to be left in charge of children. Teachers who favor a power-based management style, including the use of corporal punishment, sometimes rise to positions of authority where they set a bad example for everyone under their control and influence. A teacher recounts this experience when he applied for a position in such a place:
“The interview began with the director asking me how I felt about corporal punishment. I told him that I disapproved of it and that I couldn’t and wouldn’t do it. He replied, ‘Well, since that’s the way you feel, you’re of no use to us here,’ and the interview was over.”
School corporal punishment has disappeared nearly everywhere in the developed world. Not one country in Europe permits it, and abolition is spreading at a rapid pace among developing nations. Virtually nowhere is there any movement within governments or among educators to reverse this trend and return to the old ways. Only one country on record temporarily revoked its prohibition against hitting students: Germany during the Nazi era. Meanwhile, approximately 1/4 million beatings are inflicted on students in schools of the United States every year. Typical injuries resulting from school corporal punishment can be viewed at www.nospank.net/ violatn.htm
What should enlightened, responsible parents do about corporal punishment in their schools? If you knew that a school bus had bald tires and faulty brakes, you would not let your child ride that bus, and you would demand that your school authorities correct the problem immediately. If you knew that the air ducts in your school were contaminated with asbestos and the classrooms were painted with lead-based paint, you’d remove your child immediately and alert other parents to the danger. Corporal punishment is no different. It is very dangerous, and all sensible people in the community should unite in opposition to it.
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“If we really want a peaceful and compassionate world, we need to build communities of trust where all children are respected, where home and school are safe places to be and where discipline is taught by example.”
Desmond M. Tutu, Archbishop Emeritus, Global Initiative to End All Corporal Punish ment of Children, 2006. See www.nospank.net/globalreport.pdf
“The claim that mild punishments (slaps or smacks) have no detrimental effect is still widespread because we received this message very early from our parents who had taken it over from their parents. Unfortunately, the main damage it causes is precisely the broad dissemination of this conviction. The result is that each successive generation is subjected to the tragic effects of so-called ‘physical correction.’ … Physical cruelty and emotional humiliation not only leave their marks on children, they also inflict a disastrous imprint on the future of our society. Information on the effects of the “well-meant smack” should therefore be part and parcel of courses for expectant mothers and of counseling for parents.
Alice Miller, Excerpt from: “Every Smack is a Humiliation,” 1998. See www.nospank.net/ miller3.htm
“A society with little or no hitting of children is likely to result in fewer people who are alienated, depressed, or suicidal, and in fewer violent marriages. The potential benefits for the society as a whole are equally great. These include lower crime rates, especially for violent crimes; increased economic productivity; and less money spent on controlling or treating crime and mental illness… A society that brings up children by caring, humane, and non-violent methods is likely to be less violent, healthier, and wealthier.”
Murray Straus, Co-Director of the Family Research Laboratory at the University of New Hampshire. From “A Society without Corporal Punishment.” See www.nospank.net/ straus5.htm
“The most positive social changes around the world have followed mass improvements in the way children are treated.”
Robin Grille, author of Parenting for a Peaceful World, 2005.
“Children should never receive less protection than adults. . . [we must] put an end to adult justification of violence against children, whether accepted as ‘tradition’ or disguised as ‘discipline’.”
Paulo Sergio Pinheiro, Member of the UN Sub-commission on the promotion and protection of human rights, Geneva, 2006.
“I have never accepted the principle of ’spare the rod and spoil the child.’… I am persuaded that violent fathers produce violent sons… Children don’t need beating. They need love and encouragement. They need fathers to whom they can look with respect rather than fear. Above all, they need example.”
Gordon B. Hinckley, President, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, October 1994 General Conference.
“Any form of corporal punishment or ’spanking’ is a violent attack upon another human being’s integrity. The effect remains with the victim forever and becomes an unforgiving part of his or her personality – a massive frustration resulting in a hostility which will seek expression in later life in violent acts towards others. The sooner we understand that love and gentleness are the only kinds of called-for behavior towards children, the better. The child, especially, learns to become the kind of human being that he or she has experienced. This should be fully understood by all caregivers.”
Ashley Montagu, Anthropologist, 1989. Excerpt from personal communication. See www.nospank.net/montagu.htm
WHAT THE EXPERTS SAY
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“Corporal punishment of children actually interferes with the process of learning and with their optimal development as socially responsible adults. We feel it is important for public health workers, teachers and others concerned for the emotional and physical health of children and youth to support the adoption of alternative methods for the achievement of self- control and responsible behavior in children and adolescents.”
Daniel F. Whiteside, Assistant Surgeon General, Department of Health & Human Services, Administration of President Ronald Reagan, 1990. Excerpt from personal communication.
“When our Founding Fathers wrote into the basic law of our land protection against cruel and unusual punishment for everyone including dissenters and criminals, they had not been convinced by evidence, scientific or otherwise, that such punishments do not work. They added the amendment because of ethical considerations. They prized the climate of freedom more than the security of governing a populace forcibly of one mind. Over the years these proud hopes have slowly approached reality. Except for children. Which brings us back to our original question: How does it become possible to bypass standard ethics for certain sets of people?”
Adah Maurer, “Psychodynamics of the Punisher,” Watman Educational Services, 1974. See www.nospank.net/maurer2.htm
“Punitive measures whether administered by police, teachers, spouses or parents have well-known standard effects: (1) escape – education has its own name for that: truancy, (2) counterattack – vandalism on schools and attacks on teachers, (3) apathy – a sullen do-nothing withdrawal. The more violent the punishment, the more serious the by-products.”
B. F. Skinner, Ph.D., author, Professor of Psychology, Harvard. Excerpt from personal communication, 1983.
“Corporal punishment trains children to accept and tolerate aggression. It always figures prominently in the roots of adolescent and adult aggressiveness, especially in those manifestations that take an antisocial form such as delinquency and criminality.”
Philip Greven, Professor of History, Rutgers University. Excerpt from PART IV
CONSEQUENCES, subheading: “Aggression and Delinquency,” in Spare the Child: The Religious Roots of Punishment and the Psychological Impact of Physical Abuse, 1990
“I have always been an advocate for the total abolition of corporal punishment and I believe the connection with pornography that is so oriented has its roots in our tradition of beating children.”
Gordon Moyes, D. D., Pastor, Uniting Church, Superintendent of the Wesley Central Mission, Sydney, Australia. Excerpt from personal communication, 1980.
“The much-touted ‘biblical argument’ in support of corporal punishment is founded upon proof-texting a few isolated passages from Proverbs. Using the same method of selective scripture reading, one could also cite the Bible as an authority for the practice of slavery, adultery, polygamy, incest, suppression of women, executing people who eat pork, and infanticide. The brutal and vindictive practice of corporal punishment cannot be reconciled with the major New Testament themes that teach love and forgiveness and a respect for the sacredness and dignity of children, and which overwhelmingly reject violence and retribution as a means of solving human problems. Would Jesus ever hit a child? NEVER!”
The Rev. Thomas E. Sagendorf, United Methodist Clergy (Retired), Hamilton, Indiana. Personal communication, 2006.
“Researchers have also found that children who are spanked show higher rates of aggression and delinquency in childhood than those who were not spanked. As adults, they are more prone to depression, feelings of alienation, use of violence toward a spouse, and lower economic and professional achievement. None of this is what we want for our children.”
Alvin Poussaint, M.D., Professor of Psychiatry, Harvard Medical School. From “Spanking Strikes Out,” 1999.
“Infliction of pain or discomfort, however minor, is not a desirable method of communicating with children.”
American Medical Association, House of Delegates, 1985.
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“As long as the child will be trained not by love, but by fear, so long will humanity live not by justice, but by force. As long as the child will be ruled by the educator’s threat and by the father’s rod, so long will mankind be dominated by the policeman’s club, by fear of jail, and by panic of invasion by armies and navies.”
Boris Sidis, Ph.D., M.D., from “A lecture on the abuse of the fear instinct in early education” in Journal of Abnormal Psychology, 1919.
“Slavish discipline makes a slavish temper… Beating them, and all other sorts of slavish and corporal punishments, are not the discipline fit to be used in the education of those we would have wise, good, and ingenuous men.”
John Locke, “Some Thoughts Concerning Education,” 1692.
“Chide not the pupil hastily, for that will both dull his wit and discourage his diligence, but [ad]monish him gently, which shall make him both willing to amend and glad to go forward in love and hope of learning… Let the master say, ‘Here ye do well.’ For I assure you there is no such whetstone to sharpen a good wit and
encourage a love of learning as his praise… In mine opinion, love is fitter than fear, gentleness better than beating, to bring up a child rightly in learning.”
Roger Ascham, Tutor to Queen Elizabeth I, from The Scholemaster, published 1570.
“Children ought to be led to honorable practices by means of encouragement and reasoning, and most certainly not by blows and ill treatment.”
Plutarch, circa 45 -120 CE, “The Education of Children,” Vol. I, Moralia, Ancient Greece.
“It is a disgusting and slavish treatment… When children are beaten, pain or fear frequently have the result of which it is not pleasant to speak and which are likely subsequently to be a source of shame, shame which unnerves and depresses the mind and leads the child to shun the light of day and loathe the light… I will spend no longer time on this matter. We know enough about it already.”
Quintilian, circa 90 CE, Institutes of Oratory, Ancient Rome
QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS Q: What do virtually all juvenile delinquents have in common?
A: They have been raised by spankers.
Q: What was a common feature of the childhoods of Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot, Saddam Hussein and Charles Manson? A: Each one was relentlessly, severely, physically punished.
Q: What do most prisoners on death row have in common? A: Plenty of spankings during childhood.
Q: What do rapists, arsonists, terrorists, torturers, serial killers, mass murderers, suicide bombers, kidnappers, snipers, assassins, muggers, vandals, spouse batterers and stalkers have in common? A: Violent upbringing.
Q: Which child is destined never to join the company of felons? A: One who is raised in a nurturing, attentive, supportive, non-spanking family.
Q: To turn a friendly puppy into a vicious guard dog, what must you do to it?
A: Restrict its movement and beat it often.
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HOW YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE
There are people in your community who have never heard the ideas expressed in this publication. It’s time they heard, don’t you agree?
We invite you to become an active partner in our campaign to spread the word that a safe, sane, nonviolent world begins at home, one child at a time. The evidence is clear: gentle, patient, caring treatment of children during their formative years is the “magic pill” that puts them on the right path for a lifetime. Since children behave as well as they are treated and learn from example, we have a duty to expose them to the best treatment and the best examples. They in turn will perpetuate that standard with their own children, and so on into future generations. It’s that simple.
Many people initially respond to the evidence against spanking with skepticism. Some reject it outright. Some refuse to think about it or may even become annoyed or hostile because this information can awaken repressed feelings. Don’t let that discourage you. There are others who want to know why the old familiar method for
socializing children works so poorly. And there are those who already are raising their children without violence but need reassurance that they are on the right track.
We are confident that some day soon civilized humanity will look back with astonishment and pity at the time when people believed hitting children was good for them.
As this booklet goes to press, there are 31 nations that have modernized their laws so that statutory protection against assault and battery applies to all persons irrespective of age. They have wisely closed spankers’ legal loophole. Listed with their respective dates of reform, they are: Sweden – 1979, Finland – 1983, Norway – 1987, Austria – 1989, Cyprus – 1994, Italy -1996, Denmark – 1997, Latvia – 1998, Croatia – 1999, Bulgaria – 2000, Germany – 2000, Israel – 2000, Iceland – 2003, Ukraine – 2004, Romania – 2004, Hungary – 2005, Greece – 2006, Netherlands – 2007, New Zealand – 2007, Portugal – 2007, Uruguay – 2007, Venezuela – 2007, Chile – 2007, Spain – 2007, Costa Rica – 2008, Republic of Moldova – 2009, Luxembourg – 2009, Liechtenstein – 2010, Tunisia – 2010, Poland – 2010, Kenya – 2010, and counting!
Praise for Plain Talk about Spanking
“Thank you so much for your clear, true, brave and convincing booklet. It should be offered free to every parent immediately after the birth of EACH of their children.” —    Alice Miller, psychotherapist and internationally renowned author of (among other books) the best-selling For Your Own Good: Hidden cruelty in child-rearing and the roots of violence.
“This is the most articulately written argument against spanking I have ever seen. If every pediatrician in this country gives this booklet to their patients’ parents on the first visit and recommends a short discussion on the second visit, we will have a reduction in child abuse. —    Katharine Bensinger, M.S., LCPC, Program Director, Parenting Education Program, Community Counseling Centers of Chicago.
“‘Plain Talk’ is my #1 tool in helping parents make the decision to stop spanking. I can’t tell you how many have come in after reading it and said, ‘I’ll never spank my child (children) again!’ ” —    Janis Christenson, Ph.D, Clinical Psychologist, Nashville, Tennessee.
“I want to let you know how much I appreciate ‘Plain Talk About Spanking.’ In my job as the Early Childhood Specialist in our child-serving community mental health agency, I find it particularly important to have adults make conscious choices about the best way to provide guidance for children. Your booklet is offered to those attending my speaking engagements, enrolled in our parenting classes, and professionals who have contact with me.” —    Lynn McCasland, Early Childhood Specialist, Family Resource Centers, Findlay, Ohio.
“I have made ‘Plain Talk About Spanking’ required reading for my parenting classes at the University of Hawaii and for parents at our Family Education Training Center. Thank you for helping me teach that discipline and spanking are not the same. As an Adlerian family counselor, your booklet is congruent with my professional and personal beliefs. Both of my now grown children were successfully parented without ever being spanked.” —    James A. Deutch, DSW, LCSW. Lecturer, Family and Consumer Sciences, University of Hawaii. Past President, Family Education Centers of Hawaii.

The Truth About Ritalin, if you give this to your children you should be prosecuted for child abuse!

Wednesday, September 15th, 2010

Drug of Choice by Psychiatrists Everywhere for an Invented Disorder

Unless we live under giant boulders, most of us have heard about Tom Cruise’s recent appearance on the Today Show with host Matt Lauer. In response to direct questioning, Cruise boldly expressed his views on psychiatry,

declaring it a pseudoscience and denouncing the use of Ritalin.

His communication lacked the slick social veneer that would have made it more palatable to the masses, and thankfully so–by ruffling some feathers he started a much-needed media firestorm on the subject of psychiatry.

As a result, issues that much of society has conveniently put in an old box marked “someone else’s responsibility” and placed in the back of the cultural closet are finally being brought to light.

Not the least of which is this country’s obsession with Ritalin, the drug of choice for psychiatrists everywhere.

So in the interest of shedding light on shadowy subjects, let’s follow in Mr. Cruise’s footsteps and keep that important conversation going.

Let’s talk Ritalin, shall we?

ADHD: The Disorder That Can’t be Found

Ritalin is actually the medical name given to the chemical methylphenidate, prescribed for the so-called mental disorder known as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, or ADHD.

According to the Healthyminds.org website from the American Psychiatric Association, “…ADHD afflicts between 3% and 5% of school-age children in any six-month period…Key features of the disorder include hyperactivity, impulsiveness and the inability to focus.”

But according to Chris Garrison, the Massachusetts Director for Citizens Commission on Human Rights (CCHR), an international psychiatric watchdog group, “This ‘mental disorder’ has never been found in the body of anyone,” he said, “despite three decades of research trying to find a physical marker for it.”

Prominent psychiatrist Dr. Peter Breggin, practicing since 1968, supports this idea on his website at www.breggin.com: “Advocates of ADHD and stimulant drugs have claimed that ADHD is associated with changes in the brain,” he writes. “In fact, both the NIH Consensus Development Conference (1998) and the American Academy of Pediatrics (2000) report on ADHD have confirmed that there is no known biological basis for ADHD.”

In other words, there are no known physical causes of ADHD, and thus, no physical tests a doctor can perform to determine whether or not a child has it, like they would to diagnose cancer, diabetes, and any number of physical ailments. So without a biological basis for ADHD, its diagnosis depends entirely on observation and opinion.

Furthermore, the existence of ADHD was created by a show of hands.

According to Kevin Hall, New England Director of CCHR since 1987, “ADHD, like other so-called psychiatric ‘diseases,’ was voted into existence by the American Psychiatric Association,” he said. “There are no medical studies that have ever proven this to be a real disease and no medical tests can be given to determine if a person has ADHD. It’s diagnosed by opinion, which isn’t real medicine.”

Safe and Sound? Not only is ADHD a physically treated “disorder” without a physical origin that was literally voted into existence, but its “treatment” is at best, physically damaging, and at worst, lethal.

The American Psychiatric Association would have us believe that Ritalin is little more than a super-potent vitamin, a healthy boost for the growing child. According to Healthyminds.org, “The safety and effectiveness of medication such as methylphenidate (Ritalin) is well documented, and typically, it is well tolerated by children. It has minimal side effects and is not addictive when taken according to a physician’s instructions.”

But the truth is that the DEA (Drug Enforcement Administration) considers Ritalin a Schedule II Drug and a controlled substance. Other drugs in this category include methadone, methamphetamine and, yes, cocaine.

According to Dr. Breggin at www.breggin.com, “Schedule II includes only those drugs with the very highest potential for addiction and abuse.”

According to Dr. Breggin at www.breggin.com, “Schedule II includes only those drugs with the very highest potential for addiction and abuse.”

Furthermore, Kevin Hall says, “Per the Journal of the American Medical Association, Ritalin acts like cocaine, only it’s a little stronger. Per street snorters of the drug, its withdrawal effects, or speed-crash, is harsher.”

So Ritalin is in the same class of drug as cocaine, stronger in terms of its effect on the body, and prescribed for children as young as two and three years old. I’m sorry, what did you say? Yes, you’re right. Someone should really do something about that.

Back to the facts, despite the APA’s claim that Ritalin has “minimal” side effects, all signs point to the fact that it has gruesome effects on the body, especially the body of a growing child.

Garrison cited a laundry list of these effects. “Common side effects are headaches, stomach discomfort, changes in pulse rate and blood pressure, insomnia, loss of appetite and weight loss,” he said. “One of the most common side effects is suppressed growth of the overall body.”

This stunted growth was documented in a 2003 Yale University School of Medicine study, titled “Daily Methylphenidate Use Slows the Growth of Children: A Community Based Study.” The study showed that after three years of being on Ritalin, 76% of boys and 90% of girls were falling behind in their growth.

An Australian study conducted at two Australian hospitals, also published in 2003, came to similar conclusions.

Dr. Breggin supports these conclusions at www.breggin.com: “All stimulants impair growth not only by suppressing appetite but also by disrupting growth hormone production,” he wrote. “This poses a threat to every organ of the body, including the brain, during the child’s growth. These drugs also endanger the cardiovascular system and commonly produce many adverse mental effects, including depression.”

Specifically, the effects on a child’s brain are rather frightening. According to Hall, “Ritalin and the other psychostimulants prescribed to children reduce blood flow, and therefore oxygen and other vital nutrients to the brain.”

“In studies of children labeled ADHD who take these drugs,” he said, “there is a 5% shrinkage of the brain size and the furrows between the gray matter of the brain start to deteriorate. It’s permanent brain damage. These drugs also can cause major depression, suicide, hallucinations, heart problems and permanent body tics.”

What’s more, www.ritalindeath.com documents the death of a fourteen year old boy whose Certificate of Death reads “Death caused from Long Term Use of Methylphenidate (Ritalin).”

Frightening Dosages As if small amounts of Ritalin didn’t already create sufficient damage to the body, the outrageous dosages administered to children are literally enough to cause heart palpitations.

According to Hall, “Ritalin and other psychiatric stimulants calm children down – or tranquilize them — because they are prescribed in very heavy dosages,” he said. “Little children are usually started at about 20 mg. of the drug while adult-sized Ritalin snorters usually begin at 5mg. – 10mg. to get high all night.”

In other words, children are prescribed two to four times the dosage of a Schedule II drug that an adult would take to get high, but are less than half the adult’s size. Which means that kids are actually ingesting roughly four to eight times the amount of Ritalin that the average snorter on the street would take to get an excellent buzz going.

An Alarming Trend

Fact: according to www.breggin.com, The United States uses approximately 90% of the world’s Ritalin.

Fact: From the www.preventioncolorado.com website: “Prescription of Ritalin to ADD patients has increased 600% over the past five years according to the DEA. The DEA reports show the United States uses 5 times more Ritalin than the rest of the world combined.

Fact: according to www.breggin.com there has been a three-fold increase in the prescription of stimulants to 2-4 year old toddlers based on a recent report in the Journal of the American Medical Association.

I would add something to that, but I think the facts speak for themselves.

Ritalin: The New Party Drug

Even with the skyrocketing amount of Ritalin being prescribed to kids across the country, young children aren’t the only ones using. Teenagers and adults also take Ritalin; however, when they use it without a prescription it’s called “abusing a drug,” not “taking their medicine,” and the effect produced is called “getting high,” not “getting treatment.”

According to Garrison, “Kids have been selling and crushing and snorting Ritalin from elementary schools to colleges for years. They often take it to get high or help them stay up all night to study.”

“In recent years it has become a large problem on college campuses,” he said, “mainly because of the easy access to drugs from the campus medical facilities.”

As dangerous as Ritalin is for the typical party animal, clearly a prescription for Ritalin doesn’t make it less dangerous for a child. Since it’s ingested into a body with no detectable physical problem, it’s not like administering insulin to a diabetic, which provides the body with something it’s missing, or corrects an existing imbalance. It’s just, well, a child taking a drug, even when it’s called a medicine.

And as Hall says, “Ritalin is probably more dangerous when prescribed because children have to take it every day and they are prescribed in very high dosages.”

Parents Under Pressure

Clearly the situation is dire, with the invention of a disorder that doesn’t have a traceable physical cause, a so-called treatment that involves stuffing young children with massive amounts of Schedule II drugs, and ever-increasing amounts of said drug being prescribed each year.

But now, parents are being pressured to put their kids on Ritalin and other stimulants to reign in their supposedly ADHD-afflicted children.

As Dr. Breggin writes, “Parents throughout the country are being pressured and coerced by schools to give psychiatric drugs to their children. Teachers, school psychologists, and administrators commonly make dire threats about their inability to teach children without medicating them.”

He says that sometimes schools will even resort to scare tactics to force parents to drug their children.

“They sometimes suggest that only medication can stave off a bleak future of delinquency and occupational failure,” he wrote. “They even call child protective services to investigate parents for child neglect and they sometimes testify against parents in court.”

But even amidst all the smoke and mirrors, Dr. Breggin says psychiatry’s underlying purpose is clear: “Once again, the diagnosis itself, formulated over several decades, leaves no question concerning its purpose: to redefine disruptive classroom behavior into a disease,” he wrote. “The ultimate aim is to justify the use of medication to suppress or control the behaviors.”

The Alternative: Implementing Real Solutions

So what’s the alternative to Ritalin and other stimulant drugs prescribed for so-called ADHD? Do we just wring our hands while little Johnny jumps up and down on his desk? Or could we actually try to get to the root of the problem?

Hall strongly urges us to choose the latter option. “ADHD is just a list of symptoms,” he said. “Psychiatrists must stop drugging the symptoms and start acting as real medical professionals by doing the medical tests to find the many sources of such symptoms.”

According to Hall, what’s commonly diagnosed as ADHD could actually be the manifestation of a child’s inability to understand what they’re reading.

“Children could be called ADHD because they don’t understand how to read properly,” he said. “When children aren’t taught phonics, grammar or the use of dictionaries to gain an understanding of unknown words on the written page, they cannot pay attention, then start acting up and these behaviors become falsely labeled as mental disorders.”

He also says the source of these behaviors could be real physical problems. “Children also could have underlying medical problems such as with the heart, lungs, hyperglycemia, lead poisoning, thyroid conditions and many more,” he said. “Children with the symptoms labeled as ADHD could also have allergy problems or nutritional deficiencies.”

Garrison also thinks that there are better ways to handle the manifestations labeled as ADHD besides pumping stimulants into the bloodstream.

He says environment plays a huge role in the overall attitude of a child. “Of course, a sane household is helpful,” he said. “It won’t help a student’s grades if his parents are going through a bitter divorce and yelling at each other in front of him every night.”

And he points back to effective teaching strategies that keep kids engaged in the material; with seven years of experience working at a private school, he has first-hand knowledge on the subject.

“All students should be well-taught how to read,” he said. “Their reading ability affects their ability to study all of their other subjects. As they get older all students should be taught how to use a dictionary and expected to be using one that is appropriate for their grade level.”

He says current teaching strategies may only be exacerbating the behaviors classified as ADHD. “Currently kids are taught to guess the meanings of words from the context they are used in,” he said. “This is woefully inadequate and even counterproductive as it will make kids want to abandon the materials they are supposed to study.”

Finally, Hall says labeling these behaviors with untreated causes as a mental disorder is not only highly irresponsible, but a breach of medical ethics.

“When a psychiatrist or doctor drugs for ADHD symptoms, it’s malpractice,” he said. “It’s like giving an aspirin for a headache when the real source of the problem is an undiagnosed brain tumor. The child ends up being stigmatized as mentally ill, harmed by the drug and the real source of the problem usually worsens when undetected and untreated.”

Dr. Breggin’s advice to the public on the matter is rather explicit. “It is time to reclaim our children from this false and suppressive medical approach,” he wrote.

Looking the Other Way, Or Not So what do we do about this problem, if we even believe it is a problem at all? Do we continue to let young children be drugged in the name of a disorder that no medical test can detect? And while we’re at it, why are we stopping at Ritalin? I mean, if we’re going to drug our children, why not go all out?

Aren’t there other disorders we can dream up? There’s already Mathematics Disorder, why not create one for Geography too?

And why aren’t we doing more with heroin? Would it really be that hard to medically manufacture a chemical that closely resembles the popular narcotic, then give it an important-sounding name like Zeterna, if that name’s not already taken?

I mean, are we really doing all we can to make sure our children get the “treatment” they need for their “disorders”?

Wake up, America. It’s been a nice stay in la-la land, but now it’s time to leave.

I know how nice all of those psychiatric credentials might look, how wonderfully the language may be couched, and how happy everyone seems in all those TV commercials.

But the truth is that we, as a society, have been sitting idly by while so-called doctors make up so-called physical disorders that have no physically traceable origin, then prescribe gargantuan dosages of powerful drugs to “correct” them.

The truth is that a cold hard look at the facts, unpalatable as they may be, is long overdue.

Because it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that when all is said and done, right is right, and drugging kids with powerful stimulants for a disorder no medical test can find is just wrong.

To read on please click here

10 Little Things Good Parents Do Everyday ways to sustain a happy family By Dan Bortolotti

Thursday, August 26th, 2010

Raising children demands a vast set of complex skills that can’t be distilled into a Top 10 list like you’d see on Letterman. Still, the lofty fundamentals — love, respect, morality — are surprisingly easy to reduce to simple, achievable daily goals.

Hey, it worked for Moses, the other guy with the Top 10 list.

None of these goals will make you smack your forehead and wonder why you never thought of them before. In fact you probably do many of them already, three days out of four. It’s a matter of being mindful of what you’re doing, rather than acting on reflex. Here are ten little ways to do something good for your kids — today.

1. Really listen to your child.

Nowhere are we more likely to act on reflex than when responding to our kids’ talk. Sometimes it’s the knee-jerk “no” — the easiest of parental answers to a request. It also shows up in our tendency to half-listen, giving our kids the impression that what we’re doing — even if it’s emptying the lint trap on the dryer — is more important than what they’re saying.

Or we interrupt them. “For some parents, there’s a tendency to correct misinformation or try to teach as we’re listening,” says Janice MacAulay, who works with the Canadian Association of Family Resource Programs in Ottawa. “That doesn’t allow enough time for what’s really important to come out.” If your preschooler says, “Mom, I really gots to tell you something…” it’s not the time to correct her grammar, or you may never hear what she gots to say.

MacAulay believes it’s important for every kid to get focused attention — that means putting down the lint trap and sitting down to look him in the eye. “A little attention goes a long way, and when we give it, it has to be 100 percent.”

2. Do Something Familiar.

It’s not just toddlers who love repetition — rituals and routines are comforting for everyone. Some follow religious or ethnic customs, others are weirdly idiosyncratic. Either way, they help shape a family’s identity.

Carolyn Monaghan and her husband, Glen, look forward to what she calls “a pleasant, predictable sequence of events” each night with their five-year-old daughter, Heather. “At bedtime we ask her, ‘What are you going to dream about?’” says the mother of two from Langley, BC. “She’ll say she is going to dream about something we did that day, or what she’s looking forward to. Then we tell her what we’re going to dream about.”

Alyson Schäfer, a Toronto parent educator, says a fun family ritual — whether it’s Sunday brunch at a pancake house or a weekly basketball game in the driveway — can be an oasis for families where there’s a lot of friction. “You may not be able to solve all of your family’s woes,” she says, “but by doing more of what’s fun, you change the ratio of good times to bad times, and just by doing that you have a happier family.”

3. Kiss your partner in front of your child.

Yes, your kids may cover their eyes and say you’re being gross. But public displays of affection nurture your marriage and model a healthy relationship.

As Schäfer notes, the arrival of children puts a whole new stress on a couple’s bond. “There’s a mistaken notion that your marriage will wait,” she says. “I’ve seen parents with six-year-olds who have never left their child with a babysitter, never gone on a holiday or even gone out for dinner or a movie.”

They might learn something from Kennan Silva of Edmonton. “My husband, Todd, and I do little things for each other. Sometimes he’ll bring me a chocolate bar, or I’ll have coffee ready for when he gets home from work. We hope that when our children are adults, they find the same kind of loving relationship and will not settle for less than what they deserve.”

4. Read together.

This must be the most common public service message out there (after the one about erectile dysfunction), but regular story time can tail off as soon as kids learn to read by themselves. For families who do continue, the rewards go beyond literacy.

“My girls are seven and nine and we read to them about five nights a week,” says Jen Hrabarchuk of The Pas, Manitoba. “Reading to them gives us an opportunity to have cuddle time, which becomes rare at this age. Plus, we get to see how much they actually comprehend from longer stories. Over the past year we’ve read The Hobbit, Little House on the Prairie and A Wrinkle in Time.”

Helen Whitehorn and her husband, Mike, of Newmarket, Ontario, take turns being the narrator with their eight-year-old son, Matthew. “Sometimes he will read a page, we’ll read the next. Sometimes we read and he just listens, and sometimes he will read to us. He likes non-fiction and finds it fascinating to learn new facts. If he doesn’t understand something, he and Dad will talk about it together.”

5. Touch your child.

No one needs to remind parents to cuddle their infants. But like bedtime stories, hugs and kisses often taper off as kids get older and find them embarrassing. Even so, physical affection doesn’t have to mean giving your 12-year-old a zerbert on the belly while his skateboarding pals are visiting.

“For some people it’s awkward, so find the ways that are OK with you,” MacAulay suggests. It may be lying down together at bedtime, a relaxed hair brushing, a wrestling match or even a half-hour on the couch in front of the tube. MacAulay knows of a mom with lots of teenagers who once told her, “I don’t really like television, but I do sit and watch, mostly because I’m hip-to-hip with a couple of kids.”

6. Laugh during a tense moment.

Leah Johnson of Chilliwack, BC, learned first-hand how a laugh can defuse a volcanic situation. She was in the minivan with Graham, six, and Sydney, four, when the bickering got to her. “I felt a yell starting in my throat, and I tried to think of a good threat. Since I couldn’t follow through with the old ‘knock it off or you’re both walking home,’ well, I barked at them!”

Johnson says there was instant silence in the back seat. “Four very round eyes looked back at me in the mirror. Graham started giggling, and the next thing we knew we were all howling with laughter. They both started barking right back at me, and it was a very noisy but happy trip home. I’ve used it quite a few times since then. I wonder if it will still work when they’re teenagers.”

7. Find out one important thing about your child’s day.

For some parents and kids, catching up comes naturally around the dinner table, before bedtime or in that most popular of family meeting places — the car. Others may need a conversation starter. “One way to get kids to open up is to briefly share your own experiences with them first,” MacAulay says. Some families even have a ritual in which parents and kids share one good thing and then one bad thing that happened to them during the day.

Like everything else, though, there needs to be a balance, MacAulay says. As kids mature, they need space to grow and that means we shouldn’t be involved in every aspect of their daily lives. “It’s important to become comfortable with not knowing.”

8. Resist the urge to be a saviour.

This isn’t the best advice when your preschooler decides to try out dad’s acetylene torch or explore a divided highway. However, when your 11-year-old forgets her school project (after you reminded her twice), or when your son’s T-ball swing isn’t going to get him to the majors, you sometimes just need to back off.

“I like to talk about developing a child’s psychological muscle,” says Schäfer. “We want to prepare our kids for life, not protect them from it. Otherwise we interfere with important developmental processes.” When the consequences aren’t huge, allowing our kids to fail helps teach them to succeed next time. And we can give a nudge to their problem-solving abilities. “You forgot your homework today? What do you need to do so it won’t happen tomorrow?”

9. Do something nice for your caregiver.

Finding and keeping good child care is difficult, but the payoff is big for your peace of mind and your children’s comfort. Whether they’re live-in nannies or workers at a daycare centre, caregivers don’t like to be treated like indentured servants. Take the time to let them know you appreciate what they do for your kids.

A survey of nannies on Todaysparent.com revealed that many don’t even get a gift on their birthdays or at Christmas. Those who did made it clear that it meant a lot. “One family I worked for would leave me little notes, flowers or baking as a way to show that they valued the work I did for them,” says Vicki Sims, nanny to two girls. “It does take a bit of effort, but it’s worth it.”

10. Don’t worry about the previous nine items.

Half a century ago, a guy named Dr. Spock told parents, “You know more than you think you do.” Then along comes a blasted magazine article to point out all the things you’re forgetting.

Of course, that’s not the point. All the goals we’ve listed are worth striving for, but no one will ever accomplish all of them, every day. So don’t beat yourself up trying to do the impossible. And while there may be dads who have hang-ups about bringing the best cupcakes to daycare, this is mainly a chick thing. “Their expectations are going through the ceiling,” Schäfer says of moms. “Look for improvement as opposed to perfection.”

It’s easier to be realistic if you spend time with others in similar situations. “So many women tell me one-on-one how awful they feel because they don’t like to play Barbies for four hours. They think that’s what good mothers do, and that every mother is doing it.”

Schäfer feels it comes down to cutting yourself the same slack you give your children. “Parents get the concept of encouragement when it’s applied to their kids, but they forget they need to be self-encouraging as well.”

To read on please click here

Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting There Is A Science To Raising Children

Wednesday, August 25th, 2010

Are you constantly searching the latest on parenting to make sure you are doing everything exactly right? It’s time to relax. Temple University psychologist, Laurence Steinberg, says that perfect parents just don’t exist.

“Most parents are pretty good parents,” says Steinberg, “But I’ve never met a parent who is perfect 100 percent of the time. We all can improve our batting average.”

Sports analogies are useful to Steinberg, the concept of the book came from his own desire to improve his golf game. “I was reading, probably for the 10th time, Harvey Penick’s Little Red Golf Book,” he says. “It is built around a series of very short essays that cover very basic principles.

“As I was reading it, I was thinking that this might be a good way to teach people how to be better parents.”Steinberg, the Distinguished University Professor and the Laura Carnell Professor of Psychology at Temple, wrote the newly released The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting (Simon & Schuster). This easy to follow how-to book uses the formula that works for golf to improve parenting. He believes it is the perfect format for today’s busy parents.

Here is a quick overview of the Ten Basic Principles:

1. What you do matters.
“Tell yourself that every day. How you treat and respond to your child should come from a knowledgeable, deliberate sense of what you want to accomplish. Always ask yourself: What effect will my decision have on my child?”

2. You cannot be too loving.
“When it comes to genuine expressions of warmth and affection, you cannot love your child too much. It is simply not possible to spoil a child with love. What we often think of as the product of spoiling a child is never the result of showing a child too much love. It is usually the consequence of giving a child things in place of love—things like leniency, lowered expectations or material possessions.”

3. Be involved in your child’s life.
“Being an involved parent takes time and is hard work, and it often means rethinking and rearranging your priorities. It frequently means sacrificing what you want to do for what your child needs you to do. Be there mentally as well as physically.”

4. Adapt your parenting to fit your child.
“Make sure your parenting keeps pace with your child’s development. You may wish you could slow down or freeze-frame your child’s life, but this is the last thing he wants. You may be fighting getting older, but all he wants is to grow up. The same drive for independence that is making your three-year-old say ‘no’ all the time is what’s motivating him to be toilet trained. The same intellectual growth spurt that is making your 13-year-old curious and inquisitive in the classroom also is making her argumentative at the dinner table.”

5. Establish and set rules.
“If you don’t manage your child’s behavior when he is young, he will have a hard time learning how to manage himself when he is older and you aren’t around. Any time of the day or night, you should always be able to answer these three questions: Where is my child? Who is with my child? What is my child doing? The rules your child has learned from you are going to shape the rules he applies to himself.”

6. Foster your child’s independence.
“Setting limits helps your child develop a sense of self-control. Encouraging independence helps her develop a sense of self-direction. To be successful in life, she’s going to need both. Accepting that it is normal for children to push for autonomy is absolutely key to effective parenting. Many parents mistakenly equate their child’s independence with rebelliousness or disobedience. Children push for independence because it is part of human nature to want to feel in control rather than to feel controlled by someone else.”

7. Be consistent.
“If your rules vary from day to day in an unpredictable fashion, or if you enforce them only intermittently, your child’s misbehavior is your fault, not his. Your most important disciplinary tool is consistency. Identify your non-negotiables. The more your authority is based on wisdom and not on power, the less your child will challenge it.”

8. Avoid harsh discipline.
“Of all the forms of punishment that parents use, the one with the worst side effects is physical punishment. Children who are spanked, hit or slapped are more prone to fighting with other children. They are more likely to be bullies and more likely to use aggression to solve disputes with others.”

9. Explain your rules and decisions.
“Good parents have expectations they want their child to live up to. Generally, parents overexplain to young children and underexplain to adolescents. What is obvious to you may not be evident to a 12-year-old. He doesn’t have the priorities, judgment or experience that you have.”

10. Treat your child with respect.
“The best way to get respectful treatment from your child is to treat him respectfully. You should give your child the same courtesies you would give to anyone else. Speak to him politely. Respect his opinion. Pay attention when he is speaking to you. Treat him kindly. Try to please him when you can. Children treat others the way their parents treat them. Your relationship with your child is the foundation for her relationships with others.”

There is no guarantee that following these guidelines will result in perfect parents… remember, there is no such thing!

“Raising children is not something we think of as especially scientific,” says Steinberg. “But parenting is one of the most well-researched areas in the entire field of social science. It has been studied for 75 years, and the findings have remained remarkably consistent over time.”

“The advice in the book is based on what scientists who study parenting have learned from decades of systematic research involving hundreds of thousands of families. What I’ve done is to synthesize and communicate what the experts have learned in a language that non-experts can understand.”

Good parenting, says Steinberg, is “parenting that fosters psychological adjustment—elements like honesty, empathy, self-reliance, kindness, cooperation, self-control and cheerfulness.

“Good parenting is parenting that helps children succeed in school,” he continues. “It promotes the development of intellectual curiosity, motivation to learn and desire to achieve. It deters children from anti-social behavior, delinquency, and drug and alcohol use. And good parenting is parenting that helps protect children against the development of anxiety, depression, eating disorders and other types of psychological distress.”

“There is no more important job in any society than raising children, and there is no more important influence on how children develop than their parents.”

To read on please click here

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