The idea of the good marriage is built into our psyches. We want it; we seek it; we enjoy life more and live longer when we are in a good marriage. We are hard-wired to seek communion with another human being.

Conversely, if you have ever been in a marriage that wasn’t working, you felt you were in the loneliest place on earth.

The young man the movie, “Into the Wild,” sought happiness by venturing alone into the Alaskan wilderness. In the end he wrote, “Happiness isn’t real unless it’s shared.” Perhaps he was right.

A good marriage is fulfilling for both parties on all levels: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. And it lasts through all the personal growth and change that each will go through in life…

Marriage as a Sacred Container

Think of marriage as a sacred container, with the container being made up of agreed-upon characteristics or closely followed rules:

• Love. You view each other with open hearts.
• Fidelity. You are physically and emotionally faithful to each other.
• Respect. You see each other as unique individuals.
• Trust. Trust is a work in progress, so the commitment is to continue to grow in self trust, trust in the universe and trust in each other.
• Acceptance. You accept each other as you are and as you evolve and change throughout life.
• Commitment. You agree to be together for the long haul so you can invest fully in your relationship.
• Care. You are protective of each other’s well being.
• Open communication. Communication takes place at the physical, emotional and spiritual levels. You never stop listening to understand and talking to connect.
• Honesty. Half truths and lies break trust.
• Support. You support each other in times of need and growth.

Don’t Mess with the Container

These are the basics of the marriage container. The marriage container brings the important element of predictability to the marriage, an essential if it is to last.

I call marriage a sacred container because the elements are inviolable—you don’t touch them.

On a more spiritual level the experience of developing a deep connection with your partner may be primary in you learning to be aware of your energetic/spiritual connection to others. And awareness of your spiritual connection to others is a gateway to conscious connection to God and the universe.

If you have a propensity to drama and adventure, “predictability” and “rules” may sound alarm bells about boredom. And you would be right; the marriage container is indeed boring. But wait…

Within that sacred container we call marriage, you can do almost anything. You can raise children, go back to school, paddle the Amazon, pursue artistic interests, write a book, build a business empire, race motorcycles, run for public office, meditate, walk the North Coast Trail, go bankrupt, sit with a dying loved one, volunteer, travel or read.

When you look back on your life you will find that many of the constraints on your adventures were self imposed or imaginary. It wasn’t your marriage that stopped you.

Any kind of drama or adventure is possible within the container, except to say, “Never mess with the container.” If you protect the container, your marriage can last a lifetime.

Accidental or indirect container damage, however, can and does occur. For example, if one of you develops an alcohol addiction, denial, half truths and outright lies inevitably creep in. Hiding the truth damages crucial parts of the container, honesty and trust. Without repair to the container, that is, without addressing the addiction, the marriage slips from connection to alienation. Sometimes the deterioration is fast; sometimes it’s painfully slow.

Accidents do happen, but without corrective action the accidents become, not accidents, but direct assaults on the marriage just as surely as infidelity.

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1. DON’T TAKE YOUR PARTNER FOR GRANTED.

A Martin Holt Original

Think about this question for a moment. Are you as polite, kind and considerate to your partner as you are to a casual acquaintance? For most of us, the answer is no. How come? How is it that this same person that you now hardly give a moment’s thought to, unless it’s negative, could be the same one to whom you once were so loving, giving and appreciative?

Let’s face it. We’re all guilty of amnesia. After a time, we just seem to forget about all those small and large kindnesses that our partners do for us. Or, if we don’t forget, we just come to expect that it’s part of our partner’s job description. When a relationship reaches the point at which amnesia or expectation replaces appreciation, then trouble is close at hand.

EXERCISE:

You can change that. You can start by not assuming that those things that your partner does for you are obligatory. In fact, I would suggest you take a piece of paper and write down those things that your partner does for you – both large and small. Then honestly ask yourself, among those things that your partner does for you, do you ever show appreciation and in what manner do you express it? Most likely, you’ll discover that for many of the kindnesses on the list you’ve probably never said “Thank you. I really appreciate you for…”

So if you would like to breathe some life into your relationship, let me suggest the following. Try committing yourself to a week of thank you’s and notice the change.

2. DON’T MIND-READ.

A Martin Holt Original

Don’t assume that you know what your partner is thinking and feeling. There’s a good chance you could be wrong, and wrong assumptions cause unnecessary conflict.

Imagine this situation. You walk into the living room and there’s your husband sitting on his favorite chair glaring at the wall. His lips are tight; his jaw is clenched. Your immediate reaction: fear. “What did I do? Why is he so angry at me?” You tentatively approach him, “What’s the matter, Bill?” you ask, expecting him to pour his wrath upon you. Bill slowly turns toward you. The tense, angry look begins to melt and he says sadly, “I’ve been laid off.”

“Thank God,” you almost blurt out, “at least it wasn’t me.”

In this case, the woman checked out her assumptions and found out that her husband wasn’t upset with her. Yet how often does it happen that we make the wrong assumptions and just go on believing them without ever discovering if they’re true?

It often happens during the process of marital therapy that assumptions, illusions and fantasies are exposed as false or only partially true. For example, the angry, critical husband who supposedly hates his wife might in fact be an insecure man who is convinced that his wife doesn’t love him. Perhaps, as in one case that I know of, a distant, rejecting wife turned out to be a very sad woman, mourning the loss of her mother. So, to quote my former basic training drill sergeant, “Assumptions are the mother of all f-ups.” Don’t assume. Check it out.

EXERCISE:

Take a piece of paper and without thinking too much about it, complete the following sentence: “I assume that my partner thinks or feels…. about me.” After you compile your list, try checking out some of these assumptions.

3. DON’T BLAME.

A Martin Holt Original

How easy it is to say, “It’s your fault. You made me do it. It’s because of you that things are so bad between us. You’re the reason I feel so miserable.” It’s so hard to look at ourselves and ask, “What’s my part in creating the difficulties between us?” The problem with blaming is that it never solves anything and it nearly always triggers a negative reaction.

When each of us blames, we deny our partner the opportunity to think seriously about our words and to respond in a thoughtful manner. In addition, anyone who feels blamed usually responds in kind. The result is either a skirmish or all out war. Your partner is now your enemy who you must disarm or even destroy at all costs. All is fair in love and war– and marriage is both.

So what’s the antidote to blaming? The answer is simple: Take responsibility for yourself. Putting it into practice is a challenge. It’s hard to give up that feeling of being right. It’s so difficult to let go of that need to force a confession out of our partners. I’ll let you in on a marital truth: Being “right” in a relationship is the booby prize. You win; the relationship loses. Don’t you want the relationship to win? You’ll win, too. Try looking hard at what your part is in creating the conflict. Ask yourself, “What am I doing to create distance and hurt?” If you’re not sure, let me help you out. Most likely you are blaming.

EXERCISE:

Try the following exercise to help you make the switch from blaming to taking responsibility for your behavior. First, write a list of all the ways you blame your spouse. For example, “It’s because of you that the house is a mess,” or “You’re the reason Bobby is running around with a bad crowd. It’s because you never spend anytime with him.” Second, take a good hard look at yourself and record what you’re responsible for. Third, look for solutions in each of these situations. In the last example, she might consider telling her husband, “I’m worried that Bobby’s running around with a bad crowd. I’d like to talk about what we can do about it.” She might be pleasantly surprised to discover that when approached respectfully, her husband, on his own, will realize that he needs to spend more time with his son.

4. DON’T PLAY SHRINK.

A Martin Holt Original

In other words, “Don’t interpret!” Don’t assume you understand your partner’s deepest motivations and the subtlest nuances of his behavior. You may think you’re objective, but let me tell you, nobody who is deeply involved in a relationship can maintain professional distance. More often than not, interpretations don’t come from a place of selfless concern and a desire to help. Rather, if we’re honest with ourselves, we’d recognize that these so-called truthful statements about our spouse are just disguised resentments, cloaked in a garment of objective concern.

Perhaps, you’re like me. I don’t want my wife to interpret what I think and feel. I want her to listen. I want her to hear. I want her to respond as a friend, as someone who is concerned about me. There are two antidotes to interpretations: The first is to be clear about our resentments and not to express them covertly through our analysis of our partner’s behavior. The second is to listen in an open, loving manner.

EXERCISE:

Try the following exercise: The next time your partner talks to you, work extra hard at trying to understand her. Practice active listening by non-verbally indicating that you’re hearing him. You can do this by maintaining eye contact and holding your partner’s hand or embracing her in a caring, non-sexual manner. Periodically, respond with supportive statements that acknowledge how your partner feels. An example might be, “I understand how angry you are at your boss. If I were you, I’d sure be furious.”

5. DON’T SAY YES WHEN YOU MEAN NO.

A Martin Holt Original

We’re often afraid to say no to our partners. Perhaps, you’re scared that he’ll become angry, or, maybe, if you were to say “I’m sorry, I just don’t want to do that,” she’d be disappointed and you’d start feeling guilty. So, instead of asserting ourselves and saying what we want, we end up doing the opposite and often feel resentful. The problem with saying yes when we mean no is that we stop being real in the relationship. There’s no intimacy in a relationship without honesty.

It may be that when you start to say no when you mean no, you’ll say yes when you mean yes. Your honesty might increase the trust in your relationship. More likely, however, the change in your behavior will at first be threatening to your partner. Remember he’s not used to you being so honest. She might be painfully surprised to learn that not all of your yes’s were indeed yes’s.

It’s important to know that anytime you change the rules in a relationship there’s bound to be conflict. That’s okay. Conflict is often necessary for a relationship to grow. Through conflict two people can create a deeper understanding of one another and develop a stronger bond.

If you already have a strong connection with your spouse, then your commitment to honesty will only deepen that relationship. If you don’t, I recommend you proceed carefully. Before you start being totally honest, try assessing what your partner’s reaction will be. Perhaps the most effective way of asserting yourself is to speak to your partner about how you feel and insist that the two of you get professional help. The process of reaching a deeper level of honesty is often bumpy, but once you arrive, it’s well worth it.

EXERCISE:

Try the following exercise:

1. Write the following on a piece of paper: “I’m afraid to tell my partner….”

2. Prioritize the list, one being the easiest of your truths to reveal, two, the second easiest and so on.

3. Imagine approaching your partner and telling him or her the truth. Notice how you feel as you do that. Try breathing easily and gently tell yourself to relax.

4. When you’re able to visualize speaking to your partner, then take the risk of doing it in reality. Start with the easiest (1) and go down your list.

6. DON’T USE SILENCE AS A WEAPON.

A Martin Holt Original

Silence is a deadly weapon. It’s easier to deal with a non-violent, verbal fight where at least you get out what’s bothering you than an icy silence where all you can do is imagine how many different ways your partner hates you. So, if you don’t want to kill your relationship, then you need to learn how to express resentments in a way that can be heard, acknowledged and resolved. That skill is of utmost importance in a relationship; without it, small problems become major catastrophes.

So, how do you learn to say all those things that are so hard to say? And, how do you say them to a partner who may tell you to go take a flying leap? Granted, it’s not easy but making a relationship work never is. Try the following and get back to us and tell us what happened.

EXERCISE:

1. Write a list of your resentments in the following way: “I resent you for x.”

2. Write a letter to your partner about what’s bothering you. Don’t blame. Try to start from a positive, loving place. An example might be:

“Dear Bill, I feel a real need to talk about us. I love you and want our marriage to work. What I’m about to tell you might hurt you. It’s not my intention. What I want is for us to be close. But there are things I want to get off my chest. Please think about what I’m writing and try hard not to react with anger. This is hard for me but here goes:

I am upset with…..”

Don’t dump the kitchen sink on your partner. Mention a few of the most important things that are bothering you. If you are aware of what your part is in creating problems, mention it. Your partner will be much more open to looking at his part if he feels you’re doing the same.

7. DON’T ACT OUT.

A Martin Holt Original

What does it mean to act out? Acting out is indirectly expressing feelings and emotions through behavior. For example, a teenage girl might act out sexually as a way of expressing her anger toward her parents. She’s unable to relate directly to them and say what’s really bothering her so she uses attention getting behaviors which alarm and infuriate the parents. This is an awkward and indirect way of establishing a relationship. It’s often done unconsciously and it frequently occurs in marriage.

People act out by having affairs, by making messes, by withdrawing, by becoming depressed, and even by suicide. They can act out by being irresponsible with money. There is no end to the ways that we have of saying, “I’m really angry at you.”

So what is the antidote to this? Direct communication – learning how to tell your partner what’s really on your mind. With acting out you never get to the source of the problem. You only harm yourself and each other.

EXERCISE:

1. Find a quiet, comfortable place where you will not be disturbed for 30 minutes.

2. Close your eyes and breathe easily and effortlessly. Stay focused on your breathing. In a relaxed manner observe your breath as you inhale and exhale.

3. After a few minutes ask yourself the following question: “What is it that I do that bothers my partner?” For example, it might be the mess you leave; the way you spend money, or your lateness. Be honest with yourself.

4. After you’ve become aware of these behaviors write them down. If you’re aware that these behaviors upset your partner, then ask yourself “Do you wish to continue to use these methods to aggravate your partner?” If the answer is “No,” then ask yourself, “What purpose do these behaviors serve and what would be a more effective way of communicating the feelings that these behaviors are expressing?

5. Be aware that this process might uncover some deep hurts and resentments. Remember dealing with the truth is ultimately the only way to heal your relationship. Be careful not to dump all of your negative feelings on your partner at once. Think about how and when to begin to share your feelings.

8. DON’T THREATEN.

A Martin Holt Original

All is fair in love and war and marriage is no exception. Let’s not kid ourselves. Even the most loving relationship can degenerate into a vicious struggle between bitter enemies. In this dangerous marital game nothing is sweeter than getting even and the only thing that matters is winning. Verbal and physical threats and abuse become the weapons of marital discord.

The only advice you can give to a couple who are engaged in such a struggle is: “Immediately seek help or get out.” Thankfully, most of us are not contestants in such a fierce and destructive battle. More than that, I’m assuming that each of you wants to learn how to create a peaceful and loving relationship. If so, let me be bold enough to make a stern warning. Never threaten your partner or act in any way that frightens, intimidates or abuses your spouse.

No matter how angry you are, make the following pledge to yourself: Under no circumstances whatsoever will I verbally or physically threaten my spouse. If you’re not clear about what a threat is, let me define it as any statement, gesture or act that is designed to create physical or emotional pain in your partner.

A partner who threatens is a partner who may feel deeply hurt and wounded by his spouse and/or may be someone who himself was verbally or physically abused. The only way he knows to relieve his suffering is by making his spouse as miserable as he. If getting even seems more important than being heard, then you’re one small step from a dangerous crisis.

In reality, if I were to ask a couple who were engaged in a dangerous relationship such as this, “Do you really want to hurt each other?” their answers would invariably be, “No, I just get so frustrated when she doesn’t hear me that I just lose it,” or “I hate what’s happening to us but I’ve tried so hard to get him to understand me but he just refuses to listen. It’s just gotten to the point where all I want to do is hurt him.” Out of hurt and frustration they resort to violence believing that it is the only way they can protect themselves.

EXERCISE:

I would like to suggest the following exercise to help reduce rage. I want to reiterate that this is no substitute for professional help which is essential in a situation like this.

If you find yourself filled with rage toward your spouse do the following:

1. Go into a room where you won’t be disturbed and either with your hands or a tennis racket beat a pillow until you feel your rage dissipating. It might be helpful to yell, curse or scream as you’re beating the pillow. I would recommend you do that if no one will hear you.

2. Next, take a paper and list all the ways you resent your partner. Start each sentence with I resent you for …..

3. Write a letter to your partner and tell him or her what’s bothering you. Try not to blame but write about your hurt and loneliness and what’s missing in the relationship.

9. DON’T DISCOUNT.

A Martin Holt Original

A discount is a remark designed to reduce your partner’s self-worth. Some examples of discounting statements are: “You’re so lazy,” “You’re irresponsible and untrustworthy,” and “You’re a terrible father and an awful husband.”

It’s amazing how brilliant each of us can be when it comes to identifying every one of our partner’s blemishes. I doubt that there’s one among us who is unable to offer a detailed list of his or her partner’s bad habits, unacceptable character traits and generally difficult behaviors. In the midst of an argument the temptation to use this information can be overwhelmingly powerful.

TRY TO RESIST. IF NOT, YOU CAN BE SURE YOUR PARTNER WILL RESPOND IN ONE OF TWO WAYS: HE OR SHE WILL EITHER RESPOND IN KIND OR DENY. NEITHER REACTION EVER SOLVES PROBLEMS OR CREATES INTIMACY.

I’m assuming that you would like to learn a more effective way to express your resentments. If so, let me suggest that instead of making angry statements that begin with “You,” try making “I statements.” Examples of “I statements” are: “I feel angry when…” “I resent it when you do such and such a thing…” Not “You are such an idiot!” “You are such a slob!” “You always leave messes!” or “You’re just like your mother. Both of you are disorganized incompetents.” I promise you, her behavior won’t change as a result of that piece of feedback.

However, it might, if you were to say, “You know, Bill, it bothers me when the house is not clean. I know you’re busy and I know it’s hard for you but I would appreciate it if you would help me clean it up.” Now, I’m not promising that he won’t be defensive, but I do believe he’ll be less reactive than if you were to tell him what a slob he is.

EXERCISE:

1. Make a list of all the angry “you statements” that you can think of.

2. Change the “you statements” into “I statements” by writing “I feel x (your feeling) when you do y (your partner’s behavior).

3. Practice making “I statements” with your partner.

10. DON’T TRIANGULATE.

A Martin Holt Original

It’s frightening to admit, but a couple in conflict instinctively behaves like two nations preparing for war. In each case, the warring parties create alliances in order to strengthen their respective hands. Where they differ is that a couple in a conflictual relationship sometimes develops those alliances unconsciously.

In a relationship, the partner that feels the most discomfort eventually withdraws from the other and finds a third person who functions as a supportive ally. In the lingo of marital psychology this is called triangulation. For example, a wife who is feeling lonely and cut off from her husband might increase her involvement with one or more of the children as a way of decreasing her unhappiness. A child who is especially sensitive to the suffering of one of the parents might decide to become that parent’s “caregiver.” A kid in that role almost always feels torn apart and on some level resentful about having to parent the parent.

Sometimes an acting-out teenager will unconsciously stabilize the relationship between the parents. It is as if the kid has a super radar that picks up on his or her parents’ marital distress and responds by drawing each of them away from their conflict toward his drug abuse or her pregnancy or his suspension or her school failure. There is no end to the creative ways children can act out in order to divert their parents from dealing with the uncomfortable truth about their marriage.

The third person in this triangle is not always one of the children. It can be a parent, a sibling, a friend or a lover. The function of this person is to reduce the strain between the couple. For example, a man who believes that his wife has lost interest in him could conceivably reduce the tension he feels by having an affair. Until his wife finds out, the level of conflict between them will most likely subside. He also might shift his loyalty to his mother who then becomes his confidant and advisor often to the detriment of the marriage. As long as there are triangles, it’s impossible for a couple to deal directly with whatever is the source of their problem. It is an obstacle to intimacy and real marital love. However, it’s hard both for the partner and the third person to withdraw from their involvement with one another. In the situation of the affair, the lover might not want to end the relationship and the man may be unwilling to give up the easy intimacy of the new relationship for the difficult challenge of making his marriage work.

If the third person is a child, he or she might begin to act out as a way of re-engaging the parent. It often takes professional help from a qualified marital or family therapist to help a couple to disengage from a triangle so that it’s not destructive for one or more of the people who are involved.

The cure for triangulation is trust and intimacy. The question is how does a couple whose relationship is marked by conflict, rejection and mistrust turn it around? If there’s no trust, how do you develop a trusting relationship? I am going to propose the following steps to help you move in that direction:

EXERCISE

1. One of you has to be honest about the marriage. In other words, be straight with yourself about what’s missing. Write down what you would like to change in your relationship. For example, if you hardly spend any time with one another, you might write, “I would like to spend one evening a week alone with you.”

2. Write a letter to your partner and tell him or her what’s bothering you about the relationship. Avoid blaming and write about how you would like to improve the marriage.

3. In a few days, approach your partner and try to talk about what you’ve written. If the response is positive, then begin the work on improving your relationship. You may need professional help to succeed. If your partner is willing, look for a competent marital therapist. Not all mental health professionals are experienced in marital therapy so be sure that whoever you find is a qualified marital therapist.

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Ten Steps to Better Communication

Tess Thompson

While there are many factors that are important in the success or failure of a marriage, the ability to communicate with each other is one that stands out head and shoulders above the rest! I work extensively with couples, both online and offline. After more than 15 years of experience, I can safely say that, no matter what other problems exist, a marriage can stand or fall on the basis of how well the couple can communicate with each other.

I have counseled couples who have everything going for them. They have all the money they need and more. They have lovely children. They have beautiful homes, successful careers, supportive families – everything that they need! Yet because of poor communication skills, their marriage is failing. Conversely, I have counseled couples who are going through very hard times. This could be due to financial difficulties, illness, problems with children or even infidelity. Despite the difficulties that they experience, couples who can communicate clearly with each other have a much better chance of overcoming problems and staying together.

Poor communication causes conflict, misunderstanding, hurt and resentment. Effective communication can keep marriages together in even the most difficult of times. If I had to identify the most important element of a successful marriage, it would be the couple’s ability to communicate with each other.

Communication is a very complex thing. If it were simple, I suppose it would be much easier to get it right! In order to do the subject full justice, one would need to go into much more depth than is possible in the space of one article. However, over the years, I have identified certain communication styles or problems which cause difficulties in relationships. What I will do in this article, is to talk about some of the most important mistakes that couples make and also look at some strategies to develop healthier communication patterns in a marriage. As I go through them, I am sure that you will recognize yourself in many of the examples that I use. Whether you are a young couple who wants to improve on a good relationship, or a couple in crisis who need some help, this article will give you some guidelines to work on to improve your communication skills.

Before I continue, let us first establish that it is impossible NOT to communicate. Even when two people are refusing to talk to each other, they are communicating something. Communication consists of words, silences, body language and other observable behavior – not words alone.

Having established that, let us look at 10 steps one can take to develop healthier communication patterns in your relationship.

1.Spend more time together

Why have I begun with such a simple rule? Surely everybody knows this? Well, sure they do – but do they practice it? In my experience the answer is No. The majority of people who consult me with marriage problems do not make regular time to be together and just talk. Life is busy. Children, careers, chores, recreation, friends and even TV often take precedence over the couple’s time together. When they do ‘go out’, it is probably to a movie or to friends where it is impossible to talk properly with each other. They are forever ‘meaning’ to spend time together and never get around to it. Soon they lose the ability to communicate with each other and may even find it difficult to spend time in each other’s company. Look around you in a restaurant. Some people say that you can identify the people who have been married for more than five years by the fact that they neither look at nor talk to each other. This may be a generalization, but it is often not far from the truth.

Without sufficient time together, it is not possible to learn to communicate well with each other. I have had couples who have consulted me with major problems, which have improved with the simple addition of more quality time together. It is an extremely important prerequisite for healthy communication! Don’t just agree to this in principle – practice it as well! Practice it NOW and not some time in the future when it is more ‘convenient’.

Because time is difficult to come by, you should make a deliberate effort to make time for each other. The best way to do this is to set aside a regular time at least once a week, or to make a definite day which is ‘your’ day or evening as a couple. You do not need to go out or spend money – you can stay at home and spend time together as well. Many people want to do this, but never seem to get it right. This brings me to my second step.

2. Prioritize your time together

As I said above, it is not enough to agree in principle. That is why regular quality time happens so infrequently between couples. Just like anything else, you have to prioritize time together. You have to see it as more important than the other things that take up your time or else it will not happen – especially if you have a busy schedule.

Why do most people get up every morning and go to work? Not because they love it, but because they have a routine of doing so, usually from Monday to Friday and at specified times. They are required to put in a certain amount of work and so they do. What would happen to the majority of us if our employers said that we could come to work ‘when we had the time’ and were prepared to pay us and promote us whether or not we did much work? How much time would we allocate to our work? What would we achieve?

Remember the old friend that you bumped into at the supermarket? The one who said that you should get together ’some time soon’? Have you heard from her? The chances are that you have not. What about the one who invited you for tea on Saturday afternoon at 3 pm? Now that would probably be an important date that you would want to keep!

If you expect the rewards of a good relationship, you MUST make regular time to spend together by prioritizing this as important in your life and by officially blocking off the time. If someone asks you around on a Friday night – and that is the night you usually spend with your partner, say ‘I am busy that night’. Make your time together the most important thing you do and it will certainly pay off! I cannot over-stress the importance of regular time together. This is so important that I have even advised couples to discontinue counseling unless they are prepared to make time together.

I am often amazed at people who are surprised that they get on better with their friends than their partners without realizing that one of the reasons is that they spend more quality time with their friends!

Many couples who have become estranged due to lack of time together, may find that when they do decide to work on it, they either end up arguing or they cannot find two words to say to each other. They then give it up as a ‘bad job’. Many come to their next therapy session and tell me ‘It didn’t work’.

My answer is ‘That is fine. You did it – now keep doing it!’ The fact is that you cannot expect to suddenly start communicating by magic! If you haven’t been out together for awhile, your expectations of the evening may be high and this could cause stress – which results in an argument. Small talk is easier between regular strangers than between couples. After all, you know most of the details of each other’s histories (career, hobbies, children, etc) – so you cannot simply chatter away as you would with a stranger.

If your first attempt does not work out, congratulate each other on spending the evening together and decide a date for the next time. Spend time together regardless of how difficult the time is – so long as you are both committed to keep on trying, that is the most important thing.

3. Never use intimidating tactics

Do not bully your partner. Shouting, swearing, threatening or banging of doors is abusive behavior. So is throwing objects, breaking things in the environment and, of course, actual violence against the person’s body. This kind of behavior is not acceptable under any circumstances whatsoever. Any behavior which would be defined as either rude, abusive or criminal if it were aimed at your neighbor, should be seen in an even worse light when it is aimed at your partner. Even if you are very angry and you have good reason to be so, violence or verbal abuse is unacceptable. SAY “I am so angry I don’t know how to express it”. DON’T smash your fist into the table to communicate your anger.

4. Never assume you understand

Make this a rule and you will avoid lots of problems and misunderstandings. I have sat in sessions with couples who have started a fight before my eyes because one of them misunderstood the other. Very often couples even argue about the very same thing! If you find that this happens to you a lot, try to make it a rule to double check with each other. If your partner says “I will see you at the entrance to the mall at 3pm’, confirm that you have understood her. Say ‘Three o’clock at the FRONT entrance, right?’

Sometimes we interpret things or communicate things incorrectly and then it is even more important to double check that you understand, before becoming emotional and attaching your own meaning to something. If your partner says “Sometimes I long for the times when I was single” it is very easy to translate this into “I wish I had never married you”, especially when you are feeling insecure. Once again, don’t assume – rather double check. Say “Do you mean that you wish that you had never married me?” or just “What do you mean by that?” You will find that you avoid many arguments and misunderstandings if you do not always assume that you understand and confirm that you have heard and interpreted your partner correctly.

5. Have your arguments one at a time!

Don’t store up your resentments, hurts and anger until they become too much to handle and then blast them all out in one go when the straw hits the proverbial camel’s back! You will appear unreasonable and your partner will probably behave very defensively. If there is something that is bothering you, take responsibility for your feelings and deal with it! Speak to your partner and say how you feel, without accusing him. Say “I feel hurt when you criticize me in public. I don’t want you to do it anymore.” Don’t say “You always pick on me. I know that you think I am stupid!” Above all, don’t say nothing and allow your feelings to build up until you explode and then drag out all the past hurts and complaints while you are about it! Deal with things one at a time and as soon as possible.

6. Do not ‘piggy back’ your arguments.

How often have you told your partner “I wish you would pick up your socks”, only to be told “Well, what about you – you always leave the kitchen in a mess and expect me to clean it”. This is a very destructive way of arguing and is often just a knee jerk reaction designed to protect and focus attention away from oneself. Make a point of not responding to this poor communication strategy and never to be guilty of it yourself. If you wait for your partner to speak to you about something that bothers him and then jump on him with a complaint of your own, you will firstly discourage him from speaking to you about problems and secondly, you will be sure to cause an argument in which no one ‘wins’ and in which the issue at hand is never resolved.

When something bothers you, whether it is big or small, speak calmly to your partner about it. Do not wait for her to bring up a related issue and then ‘jump on the bandwagon’. If your partner speaks about something on her mind, thank her for telling you about how she feels and try and understand her point of view and improve the way that you handle things. If she says “I wish you wouldn’t leave your socks all over the place”, say “Thanks for telling me that it bugs you. I will try to remember to put them in the laundry basket in future.” Is that so difficult? Don’t add your own ‘complaint’ to the list. Take responsibility for voicing your own concerns when they arise, rather than ‘piggy backing’ them onto a concern of your partner’s.

If you find your partner doing this, say “That is a different issue. You are welcome to talk to me about it when it arises again. For now, can we deal with what I have said?”

7. Work towards a ‘Win Win’ rather than a “Win Lose’ situation.

If you and your partner differ on a fundamental or even a minor issue, it rarely works to argue about it until somebody ‘loses’. In a situation like this there are no clear victors. Rather try to work towards a compromise which suits both of you.

For example, if one of you wants to go and see an action movie and the other wants to see a love story, don’t fight until one of you ‘gives in’. Try and find a solution together in which you both ‘win’. This may be solved by agreeing that one can choose the movie this week, while the other chooses next week or it may be some other solution (like flipping a coin) that works for both of you. The same solution could be applied to more difficult issues, like differences in religion.

8. Choose your time carefully when you need to talk about difficult things

Try not to deal with big issues when you feel emotional or when you are tired.

For example, when your husband comes home at three o’ clock in the morning, it is very difficult not to become upset and start shouting at him. This can only result in a huge argument where both of you say things which you later regret. Rather wait until the morning and then speak to him about how you feel. Ask him to explain himself and if you are not happy with his explanation, tell him so. Clearly define your limits in the situation as well as what you are and are not prepared to accept. Then let it go and move on. If he continues to do the same thing and disregards your feelings, then you have to decide what you are going to do about this. Are you prepared to accept it? Can you continue in the marriage if he refuses to change? Once you have made your decision, communicate it to him and take the necessary action.

Timing is always important – even for seemingly minor things. Think of the wife who begins confronting and questioning her husband the moment he opens the door. “Did you get the car washed?” “Why are you so late”, “Just wait until I tell you what the kids got up to today” or even “The dog ate your favorite T-shirt”. Rather spend some time greeting your partner and touching base in a warm and friendly way. Give him or her some space to adjust to being at home again. Later on you can communicate ‘bad news’, bring up the issues that have been bugging you or ask the questions that you need to ask. Even half an hour to ‘chill out’ can make all the difference.

9. Don’t use ’stonewalling’, ‘cold war’ or ‘passive aggressive’ tactics to try and communicate your displeasure

We are all guilty of this sometimes and these can be very destructive communication patterns.

If your partner does something that you don’t like, you may ‘freeze up’ and refuse to talk to or look at him for days. I have counseled couples who have been in this mode for months or even years. Learn to speak about your feelings and take responsibility for working through them with your partner. Remember, silences can become longer and longer each time until you both loose touch with each other permanently. This is very difficult to reverse after it has reached a certain point.

Don’t be ‘passive aggressive’. This is a very common and unhealthy way of communicating where the person deliberately and stubbornly refuses to co-operate as a way of communicating anger or resentment. A very simple example is the three-year-old child who works as slowly as possible to the bathroom because she does not want to go and have a bath. An ‘adult’ version of this would be a partner who withholds money from the budget because she is angry or who runs up the credit card as a way of ‘punishing’ her partner. Some people withhold sex, money or affection in order to communicate their angry or resentful feelings. Passive aggressive behavior is infuriating and childish! Take responsibility for your feelings and speak about them. Set clear limits and make your own decisions about how to respond in a mature way to your partner’s behavior.

10. Be aware of repeating unhealthy communication patterns that you have learnt from your parents

Many people are shocked to realize how their marriages resemble the marriages of their parents. It is very true that we learn how to be husbands or a wives by watching the way our parents treat each other. This then becomes part of our subconscious approach to our partners when we are adults – even when we don’t believe in it intellectually. Examine the way that you communicate with your partner. Do you bully? Do you nag? Do you submit too easily? Do you behave like your mother or your father? Be brutally honest with yourself. If you find that you have been repeating patterns of communication that your parents used, make a conscious decision to change. At first it will be difficult, but if you persevere it will become easier.

11. OK – I know I said Ten Steps, but here is one more for luck!

Try and remember to emphasize the positive more than the negative. It is easy to fall into the trap of focusing on negative things and forgetting to communicate positive feelings to your partner. Remember to praise and encourage each other and to regularly tell your partner what you like about him or her. We all need to feel admired and appreciated and when you communicate positive things to your partner, you create warm and loving feelings between the two of you. So tell your wife that she looks pretty in the red dress or tell your husband how handsome he looks with his new haircut. Speak about the things that you admire about each other as often as possible – it will make a big difference to how you feel towards each other!

I hope that this article has given you some guidelines to work on.

Good luck and be well!

To read on please click here

Lifetime marriages are possible and fun. Most people get married with the idea that “this is the one.” These tools help set the foundation of a great marriage.

While you are dating, engaged or in the first year of marriage it’s important to have a vision of what you want in your relationship. If you set a foundation to begin with, then the marriage is much more solid. It’s important to talk with your mate and collaborate about what you both want. Here are some tools to setting that foundation.

Communication

• People tend to unconsciously repeat the patterns they grew up with. If your parents yelled and screamed, you’re more likely to do so. If they gave each other the silent treatment, then you’re much more likely to sulk and pull away.
• Learn to discuss things in a calm manner. According to John Gray, author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, [First Quill Edition 2004], men will more likely retreat from a situation when they are mad because they’re afraid their anger will over take them. Women tend to talk too much. So, practice listening for understanding.
• Attend a communication workshop where you can practice these skills and receive feedback.

Fair Fight Rules

• Many marriages end because people become verbally abusive when they are angry. It’s essential to set ground rules about arguing.
• Commit to NEVER name call or put down your partner during an argument.
• Commit to never say anything that is so hurtful your partner won’t be able to forget. It destroys trust and safety in the relationship.
• Commit to leaving the past in the past. If you argue about something, do not bring up past grievances.
• Focus on the problem and solutions not on attacking your partner.
• Even if you need a cool down period to talk rationally, agree not to go to bed angry.

Focus on What’s Right

• Focus on what you love about your partner. Let your love know daily how you appreciate him or her.
• Often the same things that attract you to your partner are also what can drive you crazy. You may have been attracted to your partner’s ability to work and take care of you. Yet you’re frustrated when he works too much. You may have liked the spontaneous side of your partner, yet it drives you crazy when she can’t plan or follow through. Remember the good side of your partner’s strengths and appreciate your beloved for his or her strengths.
• Be sure to say “I love you” several times a day. Compliment your partner on how they look. Teach your partner to say things like, “You look great! You’re beautiful.”

Good Sex

• Sex is important in marriage. Every couple finds what’s best for them and it changes throughout the course of marriage.
• In a recent article in WebMD written by Susan Seligar, she sites the following: “For men, we know one thing: The absence of sex makes them unhappy. For women, it is not as problematic,” states Edward Laumann, a professor of sociology at the University of Chicago and lead author of The Social Organization of Sexuality: Sexual Practices in the United States, the most comprehensive survey of sexual practices since the Kinsey Report. So, it’s essential to know this and find ways to please both partners.
• Don’t become just roomates. Find ways to make sex exciting. Reinvent your romantic and sensual self.

These simple steps build a poweful foundation in your marriage. You will find your marriage to be stronger, healthier and happier as you develop these tools and strengths.

Read more at Suite101: How to Succeed in Marriage: Tools for a Lasting Marriage http://marital-communication.suite101.com/article.cfm/relationship#ixzz0vh0JsFXk

Affairs can tear the fabric of a relationship wide open and destroy the bond of trust that is the strongest force for keeping people together. Healing after the affair therefore is vital to mend broken trust and much to the surprise of many couples can reforge their marriage into something much stronger than before the affair.

How can surviving an affair lead to a better marriage? These 3 tips may explain the process…

1. Communication

Many marriage counselor have proven that couples who do not talk about the affair are statistically worse off that those who do. While it may seem like the hardest thing in the world to talk about when you are so hurt and angry the only way to move forward is to communicate your problems and listen to their reasons for their terrible choice. To be able to do this though you need to be able to control your anger and bitterness or such conversations will be negative or explosive and nothing will be learned.

2. Understanding

Through communication of the marital affair you can gain an understanding of the reasons behind it. This does not excuse their actions at all but without understanding these things you are not truly able to talk about the right things and maybe angry and hurt at things that you should not be. Understanding also comes in the form of knowing what was wrong with your relationship before the affair that might have led them to an affair which sometimes means you have to look at your own actions as well … again not an excuse for their actions, they made the choice but if you want to regain trust and heal your relationship after an affair you must be honest with yourself.

3. Change

Once you have an understanding of the affair and the relationship problems that might have been simmering before it you can actually start to take action, forgiveness can take time but building a better relationship from this event is the best thing you can do from a bad situation and healing after an affair will follow from this!

Obviously there is a lot more to healing from an affair so for more help click below to find guides written by expert marriage councilors that can offer you a roadmap to recovery allowing you to get past the hurt and bring love and happiness back to your life.

To read on please click here

Read more: http://www.articlesbase.com/infidelity-articles/healing-after-the-affair-3-tips-to-overcome-infidelity-in-a-relationship-725394.html#ixzz0uzdmxHQd
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