Baseless Myths

Women Suffer More Emotionally than Men: Since ancient times, women have been described as being emotionally sensitive. Sociologists argue that this reason attributed to the subordination of women in ancient society. Women were supposed to be immature and ill-equipped to handle responsibilities. This feature was prominent in patriarchal societies.

The woman was touted as being weak cognitively, emotionally and physically. She was always supposed to be protected by the male. In the beginning, it was her father, then her husband and in later years her son. She could not live and shoulder duties herself. But this view is baseless. Modern sociologists shatter this myth. They argue that both the genders have equal proportions of emotionality.

Women are not the weaker gender in an emotional capacity. In fact, they are resilient. They have the emotional reserves to withstand betrayal and shock. Men are not as resilient as women. They also tend to suffer an emotional setback. They find it harder to accept that the spouse has left them.

Sociologists state that men have to nurture and build their emotional strength. Women are born with this emotional strength. Studies show that men and women suffer mentally and emotionally from divorce. Their behavioural methods of reaction may be different.

Men may become more withdrawn. They tend to become loners undergoing traumatic phases of depression. Women, in contrast, tend to reach out. Emotional battering makes them extrovert in nature. They tend to develop and widen their social circle. They draw their emotional strength from this support group.

Both genders are likely to fall prey to alcohol and substance abuse. A major difference is that women are able to accept their deep emotional scarring. They usually seek professional intervention. Men do not. Men live in denial. They pretend that the divorce has had no effect on them.

Family forces men into therapy usually. Marriage counsellors state that an average of 54% of women and men divorcers suffer from the same emotional setbacks. There is no concrete evidence to prove this myth true.

Ex-spouses are Always Hostile towards Each Other: Social psychologists argue that divorce cannot be pleasant. Usually, 89% of divorces are settled at an acrimonious level. The ex-spouses begin post-divorce life wrought with bitterness. They cannot stand each other. They tend to harm each other in a direct or indirect manner.

Sociologists insist that the type of divorce determines the level of hostility. Hostility does not exist in cases of uncontested divorces. Here, both spouses want the divorce and agree mutually to every marital issue. The divorce is uncontested and amicable.

On the other hand, contested divorces are bitter. The respondent is drawn into the divorce. Usually, contested divorces involve a bitter and hostile trial hearing. The Family Solicitors of London state that this happens as spouses disagree on the level of importance accorded to the marriage. But this acrimony is short-lived.

It usually lasts for a period of eight months to a year. It is situation and location-specific. The presence of children forces ex-spouses to maintain cordial relations with each other. But the image of ex-spouses flying at each other’s throats does not hold up. Ex-spouses just cannot stand each other. They are not bosom buddies.

Usually, exes become calm and serene when their own life post-divorce settles down. They tend to become forgiving when they have a good job, a new comfortable residence and a secure future. They are altruistic and do not hate the ex. They simply do not acknowledge his or her existence if not forced to.

This does not mean that they are hostile towards one another. They do not accord any importance to their ex in their life. The ex-spouse is just another acquaintance who has no influence on them.

Men Tend to Remarry More than Women: This myth is untrue. It exists only in general perception. Studies reveal that 19% of both men and women divorcers tend to remarry. The duration after which they remarry differs. Men tend to jump back into the dating arena soon after divorce. A longitudinal study to this effect shows that men tend to engage in physical encounters frequently post-divorce. Men tend to marry women similar in nature to their ex-spouse. They unconsciously seek younger versions of exes.

They tend to remarry after six months of divorce. In comparison, women divorcers are cautious. They also remarry. They tend to go back to dating after a year. They end up marrying socially and financially mature men after two years of divorce. They are content to date and wait. They are not eager to get married again soon after the divorce.

Divorce Effects and Prevalence

It may be helpful to understand a little about divorce and the typical effects it has on men, women and children. The divorce rate in the United States is the highest in the world. Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. Sixty-seven percent of all second marriages end in divorce. As high as these figures are, what is also true is that the divorce rate appears to be dropping. The reasons for this change are not clear. Many people cannot afford to divorce, many people cannot afford to marry. Another reason is that “baby boomers,” who account for a large proportion of our population are no longer in their 20s and 30s, the ages when divorce is most prevalent. The societal expectation is that divorced life is less satisfying than married life. Divorce is associated with an increase in depression–people experience loss of partner, hopes and dreams, and lifestyle. The financial reality of divorce is often hard to comprehend: the same resources must now support almost twice the expenses.

Fifty percent of all children are children of divorce. Twenty-eight percent of all children are born of never married parents. Divorce is expensive. Aid for Dependent Children (AFDC) resources are drained by the needs of divorced and single parent families; including the cost of collecting child support.

Here are some of the experiences of men and women in divorce.

For women:

1. Women initiate divorce twice as often as men

2. 90% of divorced mothers have custody of their children (even if they did not receive it in court)

3. 60% of people under poverty guidelines are divorced women and children

4. Single mothers support up to four children on an average after-tax annual income of $12,200

5. 65% divorced mothers receive no child support (figure based on all children who could be eligible, including never-married parents, when fathers have custody, and parents without court orders); 75% receive court-ordered child support (and rising since inception of uniform child support guidelines, mandatory garnishment and license renewal suspension)

6. After divorce, women experience less stress and better adjustment in general than do men. The reasons for this are that (1) women are more likely to notice marital problems and to feel relief when such problems end, (2) women are more likely than men to rely on social support systems and help from others, and (3) women are more likely to experience an increase in self-esteem when they divorce and add new roles to their lives.

7. Women who work and place their children in child care experience a greater stigma than men in the same position. Men in the same position often attract support and compassion.

For men:

1. Men are usually confronted with greater emotional adjustment problems than women. The reasons for this are related to the loss of intimacy, the loss of social connection, reduced finances, and the common interruption of the parental role.

2. Men remarry more quickly than women.

3. As compared to “deadbeat dads,” men who have shared parenting (joint legal custody), ample time with their children, and an understanding of and direct responsibility for activities and expenses of children stay involved in their children’s lives and are in greater compliance with child support obligations. There is also a greater satisfaction with child support amount when negotiated in mediation. Budgets are prepared, and responsibility divided in a way that parents understand.

4. Men are initially more negative about divorce than women and devote more energy in attempting to salvage the marriage.

Effects of Divorce on Children

In the last few years, higher-quality research which has allowed the “meta-analysis” of previously published research, has shown the negative effects of divorce on children have been greatly exaggerated. In the past we read that children of divorce suffered from depression, failed in school, and got in trouble with the law. Children with depression and conduct disorders showed indications of those problems predivorce because there was parental conflict predivorce. Researchers now view conflict, rather than the divorce or residential schedule, as the single most critical determining factor in children’s post-divorce adjustment. The children who succeed after divorce, have parents who can communicate effectively and work together as parents.

Actually, children’s psychological reactions to their parents’ divorce vary in degree dependent on three factors: (1) the quality of their relationship with each of their parents before the separation, (2) the intensity and duration of the parental conflict, and (3) the parents’ ability to focus on the needs of children in their divorce.

Older studies showed boys had greater social and academic adjustment problems than girls. New evidence indicates that when children have a hard time, boys and girls suffer equally; they just differ in how they suffer. Boys are more externally symptomatic than girls, they act out their anger, frustration and hurt. They may get into trouble in school, fight more with peers and parents. Girls tend to internalize their distress. They may become depressed, develop headaches or stomach aches, and have changes in their eating and sleeping patterns.

A drop in parents’ income often caused by the same income now supporting two households directly affects children over time in terms of proper nutrition, involvement in extracurricular activities, clothing (no more designer jeans and fancy shoes), and school choices. Sometimes a parent who had stayed home with the children is forced into the workplace and the children experience an increase in time in child care.

A child’s continued involvement with both of his or her parents allows for realistic and better balanced future relationships. Children learn how to be in relationship by their relationship with their parents. If they are secure in their relationship with their parents, chances are they will adapt well to various time-sharing schedules and experience security and fulfillment in their intimate relationships in adulthood. In the typical situation where mothers have custody of the children, fathers who are involved in their children’s lives are also the fathers whose child support is paid and who contribute to extraordinary expenses for a child: things like soccer, music lessons, the prom dress, or a special class trip. One important factor which contributes to the quality and quantity of the involvement of a father in a child’s life is mother’s attitude toward the child’s relationship with father. When fathers leave the marriage and withdraw from their parenting role as well, they report conflicts with the mother as the major reason.

The impact of father or mother loss is not likely to be diminished by the introduction of stepparents. No one can replace Mom or Dad. And no one can take away the pain that a child feels when a parent decides to withdraw from their lives. Before embarking on a new family, encourage clients to do some reading on the common myths of step families. Often parents assume that after the remarriage “we will all live as one big happy family.” Step family relationships need to be negotiated, expectations need to be expressed, roles need to be defined, realistic goals need to be set.

Most teenagers (and their parents) eventually adjust to divorce and regard it as having been a constructive action, but one-third do not. In those instances, the turbulence of the divorce phase (how adversarial a battle it is), has been shown to play a crucial role in creating unhealthy reactions in affected teenagers.

Joan Kelly, PhD, former president of the Academy of Family Mediators and prominent divorce researcher from California reports that, depending on the strength of the parent-child bond at the time of divorce, the parent-child relationship diminishes over time for children who see their fathers less than 35% of the time. Court-ordered “standard visitation” patterns typically provide less.

Divorce also has some positive effects for children. Single parents are often closer to their children than married parents were. This is can also be negative as when a child takes on too much responsibility because one or both parents are not functioning well as a parent, or when a parent talks to a child about how hurt they are by the other parent, or how horrible that other parent is. Often a separated parent will make an effort to spend quality time with the children and pay attention to their desires (Disneyland, small gifts, phone calls, etc). And you can imagine that some children might find some benefit in celebrating two Christmases and birthdays each year. If both parents remarry, they may have twice as many supportive adults/nurturers. At the very least, when parents can control their conflict, the children can experience freedom from daily household tension between parents.

Emotional Stages of Divorce

The decision to end a relationship can be traumatic, chaotic, and filled with contradictory emotions. There are also specific feelings, attitudes, and dynamics associated with whether one is in the role of the initiator or the receiver of the decision to breakup. For example, it is not unusual for the initiator to experience fear, relief, distance, impatience, resentment, doubt, and guilt. Likewise, when a party has not initiated the divorce, they may feel shock, betrayal, loss of control, victimization, decreased self esteem, insecurity, anger, a desire to “get even,” and wishes to reconcile.

To normalize clients experiences during this time, it may be helpful to know that typical emotional stages have been identified with ending a relationship. It may also be helpful to understand that marriages do not breakdown overnight; the breakup is not the result of one incident; nor is the breakup the entire fault of one party. The emotional breaking up process typically extends over several years and is confounded by each party being at different stages in the emotional process while in the same stage of the physical (or legal) process.

It is also quite normal to do different things to try to create distance from the former partner while divorcing. Unfortunately, this distancing often takes the form of fault finding. Not to be disrespectful, but it’s not unlike the process one goes through in deciding to buy a new car: somehow every flaw in that favorite old car needs to be noticed and exaggerated in order to feel okay about selling it. Also, if the other person is portrayed as really awful, one can escape any responsibility for the end of the marriage. A common response to divorce is to seek vengeance. When parties put their focus on getting even, there is an equal amount of energy expended on being blameless. What’s true is that blaming and fault finding are not necessary or really helpful. Psychologist Jeffrey Kottler has written a very helpful book on this subject entitled Beyond Blame: A New Way of Resolving Conflicts in Relationships, published by Jossey-Bass.

Another normal rationalization is that the marriage was a wholly unpleasant experience and escaping it is good. Or the marriage was unpleasant and now the other partner must make this up in the divorce. Thinking that the marriage was wholly unpleasant is unfair to both parties and can hinder emotional healing. Both stayed in the marriage for as long as they did because there were some good things about it. There were also some things that did not work for them and these are why they are divorcing.

Much of your clients’ healing will involve acceptance, focusing on the future, taking responsibility for their own actions (now and during the marriage), and acting with integrity. Focusing on the future they would like to create may require an acknowledgment of each other’s differing emotional stages and a compassionate willingness to work together to balance the emotional comfort of both parties.

The following information on the emotional stages of ending a relationship is provided to help parties through the emotional quagmire of ending a relationship and assist in their personal healing.

I. DISILLUSIONMENT OF ONE PARTY (sometimes 1-2 years before verbalized)

A. Vague feelings of discontentment, arguments, stored resentments, breaches of trust
B. Problems are real but unacknowledged
C. Greater distance; lack of mutuality
D. Confidential, fantasy, consideration of pros and cons of divorce
E. Development of strategy for separation
F. Feelings: fear, denial, anxiety, guilt, love, anger, depression, grief

II. EXPRESSING DISSATISFACTION (8-12 months before invoking legal process)

A. Expressing discontent or ambivalence to other party
B. Marital counseling, or
C. Possible honeymoon phase (one last try)
D. Feelings: relief (that it’s out in the open), tension, emotional roller coaster, guilt, anguish, doubt, grief

III. DECIDING TO DIVORCE (6-12 months before invoking legal process)

A. Creating emotional distance (i.e., disparaging the other person/situation in order to leave it)
B. Seldom reversible (because it’s been considered for awhile)
C. Likely for an affair to occur
D. Other person just begins Stage I (considering divorce) and feels denial, depressed, rejected, low self-esteem, anger
E. Both parties feel victimized by the other
F. Feelings: anger, resentment, sadness, guilt, anxiety for the family, the future, impatience with other, needy

IV. ACTING ON DECISION (beginning the legal process)

A. Physical separation
B. Emotional separation (complicated by emotional flareups)
C. Creating redefinition (self orientation)
D. Going public with the decision
E. Setting the tone for the divorce process (getting legal advice and setting legal precedent: children, support, home)
F. Choosing sides and divided loyalties of friends and families
G. Usually when the children find out (they may feel responsible, behave in ways to make parents interact)
H. Feelings: traumatized, panic, fear, shame, guilt, blame, histrionics

V. GROWING ACCEPTANCE (during the legal process or after)

A. Adjustments: physical, emotional
B. Accepting that the marriage wasn’t happy or fulfilling
C. Regaining a sense of power and control, creating a plan for the future, creating a new identity, discovering new talents and resources
D. This is the best time to be in mediation: parties can look forward and plan for the future; moods can be more elevated (thrill of a second chance at life)

VI. NEW BEGINNINGS (completing the legal process to four years after)

A. Parties have moved beyond the blame and anger to forgiveness, new respect, new roles
B. Experiences: insight, acceptance, integrity.Comparing Mediation and Litigation

Why is mediation a compassionate and appropriate venue for helping people in divorce? On the average, it takes family members approximately four to eight years to recover from the emotional and financial expense of a bitter adversarial divorce. In an adversarial divorce, there is no possible resolution of the emotional issues, only decreased trust and increased resentment.

A litigated divorce can cost each party $5,000 to $35,000. The focus is on assigning blame and fault and skirmishing for the most powerful position (changing locks, freezing bank accounts, getting temporary custody of the children). Communications between parties break down. Negotiations proceed through attorneys and are strategic and positioned. Attorneys have an ethical responsibility to zealously advocate for the best interest of their client. Often there is no consideration of the best interests of the children or recognition for the need for parties to have an ongoing relationship because they have children, friends, extended family, and community together. Going to court is an expensive risk; someone who does not know you makes decisions for you that will affect your whole life.

Mediators may save clients thousands of dollars in immediate and future legal and counseling fees. Mediators can focus parties on creating their best possible future and help parties resolve their emotional issues for the best interests of their children and their own psychological well being. Mediators can help parties feel understood, accept responsibility for the failure of the marriage and, when there are children, begin to reshape their relationship from one of partners to coparents. Mediators can empower clients by helping them be at their best (rather than their worst) during a challenging time in their lives, enable them to have an active role in their separating (creative choice vs. court imposition), create a clear and understandable road map for the future, make informed decisions, and to look back at their behavior in the mediation of their divorce with integrity and self respect.

Typical Reactions of Children to Divorce

Much of children’s post-divorce adjustment is dependent on (1) the quality of their relationship with each parent before the divorce, (2) the intensity and duration of the parental conflict, and (3) the parents’ ability to focus on the needs of the children in the divorce. Typically, children whose parents are going through a rough divorce engage in behaviors which are designed to help them feel secure. What follows are some typical experiences of children to divorce and separation:

A. DENIAL

This especially occurs in young children and surfaces as story telling (Mommy and Daddy and me going to Disneyland; we’re moving into a duplex and Daddy will live next door; they will also have reconciliation fantasies).

B. ABANDONMENT

When parents separate, children worry who will take care of them. They are afraid they too are divorceable and will be abandoned by one or both of their parents. This problem is worsened by one or both parents taking the children into their confidence, talking about the other parent in front of the children, using language like “Daddy is divorcing us,” being late for pick-up, or abducting the children. Children who are feeling insecure will say things to a parent which is intended to evoke a mama bear/papa bear response (a demonstration of protectiveness). If children do not have “permission” to have a good relationship with the other parent, or if they think they need to “take care of” one of their parents in the divorce, they are likely to end up having feelings of divided loyalties between their parents or, in the extreme, they may become triangulated with one parent against the other parent.

C. PREOCCUPATION WITH INFORMATION

Children will want details of what is happening and how it affects them. Communication from the parents needs to be unified and age appropriate.

D. ANGER AND HOSTILITY

Children may express anger and hostility with peers, siblings, or parents. School performance may be impaired. Hostility of children toward parents is often directed at the parent perceived to be at fault. Hostility turned inward looks like depression in children.

E. DEPRESSION

Lethargy, sleep and eating disturbances, acting out, social withdrawal, physical injury (more common in adolescents).

F. IMMATURITY/HYPERMATURITY

Children may regress to an earlier developmental stage when they felt assured of both parents’ love. They may do some “baby-talk” or wet their beds. Children may become “parentified” by what they perceive to be the emotional and physical needs of their parents (“Someone needs to be in charge here.”)

G. PREOCCUPATION WITH RECONCILIATION

The more conflict there is between the parents, the longer children hold onto the notion of their parents’ reconciliation. It is clear that the parents are not “getting on” with their lives. Children will often act out in ways which force their parents to interact (negatively or positively). Children whose parents were very conflictual during the marriage often mistake the strong emotions of conflict with intimacy. They see the parents as engaged in an intimate relationship.

H. BLAME AND GUILT

Because so much marital conflict may be related to the stress of parenting, children often feel responsible for their parents’ divorce–they feel that somehow their behavior contributed to it. This is especially true when parents fight during exchanges of the children or in negotiating schedules: children see that parents are fighting over them. They may try to bargain their parents back together by promises of good behavior; they may have difficulty with transitions or refuse to go with the other parent.

I. ACTING OUT

Children will often act out their own and their parents’ anger. In an attempt to survive in a hostile environment, children will often take the side of the parent they are presently with. This may manifest in refusals to talk to the other parent on the phone or reluctance to share time with the other parent. Adolescents will typically act out in ways similar to how the parents are acting out.

In summary, expect that children will test a parent’s loyalty, experience loyalty binds, not want to hurt either parent, force parents to interact because they don’t want the divorce, try to exert some power in the situation, express anger over the divorce, occasionally refuse to go with the other parent (normal divorce stress, loyalty conflict/triangulation, or they may simply not want to stop doing what they’re doing at the moment–similar to the reaction we’ve all gotten when we pick our children up from child care, or we want to go home from the park).

The most common problem which arise tend to stem from triangulation, divided loyalties, and projection. Some indicators of each are:

a. Triangulation: Child refuses to have time with the other parent or talk to the other parent on the phone, child badmouths the other parent.

b. Divided loyalties: When a child tells each parent different and opposing things about what they want it is a good indication that the child is trying to please both parents and is experiencing divided loyalties.

c. Projection: Children are barometers of a parent’s emotional well-being. Usually a parent reporting the stress of a child can not see that the child is acting on the parent’s anxiety. Parents should ask themselves how they are feeling about the divorce, the other parent, and the time sharing arrangements before assuming the child is having difficulty adjusting or assuming the problem is with the other household.

Signs of Stress in Children

Sometimes parents need help identifying stress in children, especially little ones. What follows are some typical experiences and signs of stress in children of different ages.

I. INFANTS AND TODDLERS:

A. Regression in terms of sleeping, toilet training or eating; slowing down in the mastery of new skills
B. Sleep disturbances (difficulty gong to sleep; frequent waking)
C. Difficulty leaving parent; clinginess
D. General crankiness, temper tantrums, crying.

II. THREE TO FIVE YEARS:

A. Regression: returning to security blankets and discarded toys, lapses in toilet training, thumb sucking
B. Immature grasp of what has happened; bewildered; making up fantasy stories
C. Blaming themselves and feeling guilty
D. Bedtime anxiety; fitful/fretful sleep; frequent waking
E. Fear of being abandoned by both parents; clinginess
F. Greater irritability, aggression, temper tantrums.

III. SIX TO EIGHT YEARS:

A. Pervasive sadness; feeling abandoned and rejected
B. Crying and sobbing
C. Afraid of their worst fears coming true
D. Reconciliation fantasies
E. Loyalty conflicts; feeling physically torn apart
F. Problems with impulse control; disorganized behavior.

IV. NINE TO TWELVE YEARS:

A. Able to see family disruption clearly; try to bring order to situation
B. Fear of loneliness
C. Intense anger at the parent they blame for causing the divorce
D. Physical complaints; headaches and stomach aches
E. May become overactive to avoid thinking about the divorce
F. Feel ashamed of what’s happening in their family; feel they are different from other children.

V. ADOLESCENTS:

A. Fear of being isolated and lonely
B. Experience parents as leaving them; feel parents are not available to them
C. Feel hurried to achieve independence
D. Feel in competition with parents
E. Worry about their own future loves and marriage; preoccupied with the survival of relationships
F. Discomfort with a parent’s dating and sexuality
G. Chronic fatigue; difficulty concentrating
H. Mourn the loss of the family of their childhood.

Biography

Kathleen O’Connell Corcoran

Kathleen O’Connell Corcoran, Ph.D., died at the age of 50 of cancer on September 19, 1998. Kathleen was a nationally-recognized mediation practitioner and trainer, providing basic and advanced mediation, conflict resolution, and facilitation training as well as supervision, consultation, and internships. She was a Practitioner Member of the Academy of Family Mediators. Kathleen encouraged all whom she worked with in mediation to “do the right thing.” She appealed to all of us to be our best and to give our children the love and support they need.

To read on please click here

INTRODUCTION

On January 9, 1981, at 6:30 p.m., I had my first session as a divorce mediator. My clients, Kathy and Jim, were in their late 40’s. Jim was the branch manager of Shawmut, a small Northeast bank, while Kathy was a homemaker, with a part-time sales position at Filenes’s. They had recently celebrated their 20th anniversary.

Both thought their marriage would last forever, even Jim, though he was the one who had the affair. Since that first day, the number of clients having an affair has increased, and this pattern holds true across the United States. Why are the numbers increasing? Why do married people have affairs?

REASONS FOR INCREASING NUMBERS

There are several reasons for the increase, but the primary ones are the changes over the years of people having more free time, an increased opportunity to meet people, and society’s more accepting attitude. Personal time has increased – at least, in theory – gone is the mandatory 10 hour sweatshop day. More opportunities exist to meet people; the work place, get-togethers, in adult classes, clubs and sports and social activities. Though time and opportunity are important, the critical issue is a person’s attitude toward having an affair – which mirrors society’s attitude. And, when it’s about love – Americans hold fast to the idea that finding love is a soul’s right. It’s a funny way to put it, yet most of you will know what I mean.

THE CHANGING WORLD OF WIVES AND HUSBANDS

Years ago, the rules within a marriage were different–easier, many would say—husbands worked to support their family, and wives took care of the home and children. “Fulfilling yourself” was not a purpose of marital life. Today, however, we expect personal growth within marriage and companionship with our spouse, as well as meeting all the demands of our roles. Couples balance two careers, take care of their children and keep up with their home, and increasingly, care for aging parents. Women are still primarily responsible for children and most now work outside the home, while men are expected to be “sensitive” as well as a good breadwinner. Even sex with a spouse has pressure–how often, how many, what kind of orgasm.

Many people seek an outlet for their pressures. The more athletically predisposed may join gyms and fitness centers, while others take classes or meditate and do yoga, and antidepressants, are hardly uncommon. Some people engage in behavior which ultimately adds to their troubles – drinking or drugging.

And, some have an affair.

ROAD TO DIVORCE

During the early years of my practice, I asked clients, “When did you first start thinking divorce?” The first answer was, “the night we went out for our tenth anniversary.” Another said, “the day after our son was born.” I stopped directly asking that question, but as the years went by, I heard that people spend a long time thinking about divorce before acting on it. They don’t wake up one day and suddenly decide to divorce. Contrary to the popular belief that people shed a marriage as easily as last year’s coat, acting on one’s decision to divorce is difficult, especially in a long term marriage or when there are children.

Strong factors encourage spouses to stay together; our belief that marriage is forever, that we want to keep the vows we made, that divorce is harmful to our children, and not wanting to hurt our spouse and fear of being alone.

Many people stay in a marriage because they regard divorce as a personal failure. Though we are a society with a high divorce rate, divorce is not considered a good thing, or even a neutral event, rather, it may believe the person didn’t try hard enough to make the marriage work. Divorce is seen as the easy way out.

Society has long held that you need good reasons to divorce. Although love is the only reason needed to marry, people want solid reasons for divorce, and surprisingly, over the years, these solid reasons still consist of alcohol and drug abuse, domestic violence, and the affair. With a 50% plus divorce rate for first time marriages, and a 60% plus rate for second marriages, the ideal of a forever marriage may be more myth than truth.

WHY DO HUSBANDS AND WIVES HAVE AFFAIRS?

A number of therapists believe that the unconscious purpose of an affair is to end the marriage. In over 90% of the hundreds of divorcing couples that I’ve worked with, only one spouse wanted the divorce, while their spouse wanted to stay married, at least, until they find out about an affair.

REASONS FOR AN AFFAIR

All of us want to feel good about ourselves, and if you don’t feel that way, you may seek it from another person. Of course, you don’t “get” self-esteem by having someone give it to you, rather, self-esteem develops early in life and is shaped during your lifetime. But for the short-term, a lover makes you feel good about yourself.

A lover often gives a person the courage to do something he or she couldn’t do alone, which is to ask their spouse for a divorce.

Often, a person does not start out intending to have an affair. It may have been the furthest thing from their mind, but, once involved, they believe they can keep the affair in one little corner of their life. A person may feel they are not hurting anyone. An affair often enables the person to be more sexually adventurous and to express their sexuality – in ways not done with their spouse. The results are heady.

I’ve listed the primary reasons for having an affair, but keep in mind that some of the reasons exist simultaneously. In fact, rarely is there a single reason why a married person has an affair; rather, there’s a combination of reasons.

The Primary Reasons for an Affair

1. Excitement
2. Romantic Love
3. Sex
4. Mid-life Crisis
5. Anger
6. Escape
7. Loneliness
8. Obsession
9. Soul mate
10. Lesbian/Gay Orientation

1. EXCITEMENT
By definition, affairs are exciting; a new lover’s desires, intense eye contact and lorry kisses, the secret meetings colored by the danger of getting caught. There affair is driven by a desire to put excitement and adventure into a life that feeling boring.

The marital relationship may not be the only reason for the boredom, but it’s an easy target. Boredom is likely caused by a number of things; work is tedious, the daily routine tiresome, and the spouse and, well, life, itself is too predictable. Rather than work on improving these, the affair brings excitement.

2. ROMANTIC LOVE
A search for love is the stereotypical reason many people believe a married woman has an affair, that she wants flowers sent to her when it isn’t her birthday or anniversary that she yearns for dinners in hide-a-way restaurants, and seeks meaningful glances and soft kisses. As a society, we believe in the power of romantic love, and this is true of men as is of women. After years of watching Casablanca, men and women long for the romance they see on the screen. An affair can be the spark of romantic love with another person.

3. SEX
Your fantasies come to life. The stereotypical reason people believe a married man has an affair is for sex; that a man wants more sex than his wife does, or more variety, that, biologically that men are sexually promiscuous. These attitudes ignore the behavior of many women.

4. MID-LIFE CRISIS
Midlife is a time many seek “meaning” in their life. It’s not unheard of for that meaning to take the format of a lover. A married person experiencing a mid-life crisis wants change in their life, whether it’s a different life, a kind of life, or more out of their life. Some are simply unhappy with their life. You’ve heard the stories – middle aged man buys a little red sports car, a woman starting menopause dresses like her 15 year old daughter.

5. ANGER
There are many ways that clients express anger. One client got back at his wife by having a affair because his wife had one. He was shocked when she asked for a divorce when she found out. Anger is such a common reaction for so many things that happen in a relationship. Sometimes anger is justified.

6. ESCAPE
Married couples spend their free time together, which might be fine for one person, but the other spouse may feel suffocated. For that spouse, an affair provides an escape—gives someone an avenue to separateness.

Thelma and Louise may be dead, but in many hearts, they live on. For a married woman who feels trapped in her roles of wife and homemaker, the movie hit a nerve and, of course, there was an affair along the way. Years before and after Thelma and Louise, men escaped their married life by running into another woman’s arms.

7. LONELINESS
I think this reason speaks for itself. Last winter, a client told me, “when I sit on the couch with my husband, I feel lonely, and yet he’s with me. I’d rather be all by myself, then it would make sense that I’m lonely”. Many men and women hope their spouse will take away their loneliness, and when that doesn’t happen, some end their loneliness with a lover.

8. OBSESSION
Obsession is best described as an addiction to another person. For that man or woman, thoughts of their lover pervade virtually every hour of their life. They yearn to be with the object of their obsession though sometimes, the person isn’t their lover, and their unrequited love may create more of an obsession.

9. SOUL MATE
A soul mate is a person who so complements and shares your thoughts and worldview that you believe you were meant to be together. When someone finds a lover who understands them because they share so much and are so alike—it’s a powerful draw.

10. LESBIAN/GAY
There are gay men and lesbians in heterosexual marriages. There are many reasons lesbians and gay men stay married, and some mirror the reasons that heterosexuals stay together: they want to keep their family intact, or don’t want to hurt their spouse. They have an affair because they want a sexual relationship with someone of their own gender, and most end up coming out, and divorce their spouse.

THE EFFECT OF AN AFFAIR ON DIVORCE

Asking “does an affair affect the divorce process” is a pretty unsophisticated question. A better one is “how much does an affair affect the divorce process?” The two responses here, are “legal” and “emotional”. Legally, the short answer is “not much, really”. Emotionally, the short answer is “very, much – really”.

Some marriages survive the crisis – while others do not. I see the ones that do not survive. I see those who are getting divorced

Emotional Effect Upon Divorce:
An affair creates a crisis for the married couple. I want to add that an affair almost always affects the marital relationship whether or not the spouse knows about it, because of the mental preoccupation with his or her lover affects their ability to connect with their spouse. When a spouse discovers the existence of an affair, she or he is profoundly angry from being lied to and deceived. They are deeply hurt by their spouse choosing to sleep with another. The feelings of rejection are often left unexpressed, yet the rejection eats away at their self esteem. The betrayal of trust makes so much of the past years suspect;” Did she tell me the truth about loving me?” “Am I a fool to believe he thought I was special?” The anger, hurt and suspicion will create difficult negotiations of the divorce settlement, as one question moves to the forefront, “What else is my spouse lying about?”

The spouse having the affair often feels guilty for the hurt they have caused. On the other hand, some believe they are entitled to happiness, and if that involves being with another person, so be it. Still others blame the non-straying spouse for their part in an unhappy marriage, so that, surprisingly, the person having the affair is as angry as their spouse.

Legal Effect upon Divorce:
Adultery is the legal word for a married person having an affair. The definition is voluntary sexual intercourse between a married individual and a person other than the lawful spouse. That definition has certainly been challenged with the very public revelations of Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky, so that today, people consider adultery any kind of sexual activity.

Historically, adultery was the most common ground for divorce. In some states, it was the only ground, hence, in order to prove adultery in a court of law, you could hire a private detective to snap photographs of the errant spouse in bed with their lover –the photographs providing evidence of the breach of marital vows.

At common law, a husband had a marital duty to financially support his wife whereas a wife had no such duty of support. Adultery was a clear sign of fault, and the legal consequence was that the party at fault paid a financial price. When a husband was at fault because he committed adultery, his financial duty to his wife continued after the marriage ended, as the judge ordered him to pay alimony. When a wife was at fault because she committed adultery, her husband’s duty to support her ended. As most wives were financially dependent on their husband, if she didn’t remarry, her future financial situation would be precarious at best, with a good chance that she would end up destitute.

No-Fault Divorce:
With the introduction of no-fault divorce laws in the U.S., the issue of fault was mainly put to rest. The new laws were founded on the theory that fault should not be the basis for determining financial support and division of assets and liabilities. If support was needed and as long as one spouse had greater income the judge would order alimony. This no-fault attitude carried over to fault based divorce settlements awards, so that even if there was adultery, it wouldn’t excuse alimony payments.

Though many states continue to list adultery as a ground for divorce, the spouse at fault is not financially punished. By the way, gender differences have softened, so that today, higher income wives are required to pay alimony.

WHETHER AN AFFAIR LEADS TO DIVORCE

A high number of factors are involved in whether or not an affair will lead to divorce. The following factors point to whether a couple will divorce. The first reason – an on-going affair – almost inevitably leads to divorce. The second two factors; identity of the lover and the commitment to the marriage, are also very important. The remaining reasons depend on many factors, and rarely does one factor stand alone as the sole reason to divorce.

1. On-going Affair
2. Identity of the Lover
3. Commitment to the Marriage
4. Length of the Marriage
5. Length of the Affair
6. Ages of the Spouse
7. Presence of Children
8. Attachment between the Straying Spouse and their Lover
9. Traits of Each Spouse
10. Strength of the Emotional Bond Between the Spouses

On-going Affair:
When a person continues an affair after their spouse finds out about it, that individual is forcing a divorce. This forcing may be unconscious, and calls to mind the adage, “actions speak louder than words.” Many times, during a mediation, a client will say, “I asked her to stop seeing him and work on our marriage, but she wouldn’t.” Divorce is the next step for this couple.

Identity of the Lover:
One of my clients slept with his wife’s best friend; another client with her husband’s co-worker. In professional articles on divorce the identity of the lover is a critical issue which rarely is given the importance in. This situation causes a bitter divorce when a married person has an affair with someone who is in the close world of their spouse, it causes intense humiliation.

I came across a research paper stating that when psychologists want to study anger, they humiliate their subject, a sure fire way to get someone angry. Psychologists view the humiliating choice of a lover as an expression of deep anger toward their spouse. So unfortunately, people have affairs with individuals who they come into contact with, so these situations are far from uncommon.

Commitment to the Marriage:
In the absence of an on-going affair the commitment of each person to the marital relationship with determine if divorce is the outcome. When both spouses believe that one stays married regardless of what happens – that marriage will continue. If one looks at the number of people who admit to having an affair (acknowledging that there are more people who don’t admit it), and compare that number with the divorce rate, it is clear that every affair does not lead to divorce.

Length of the Marriage:
The longer the marriage, the harder is the decision to divorce. The divorce rate is significantly higher among short term marriages.

Length of the Affair:
Time alone is not the determinate factor, but generally provides an indication of the degree of anger and hurt for the non-straying spouse. For example, a two month affair is less upsetting than a twelve year affair. The following time lengths are approximations.

1. One-night stand
A one-night stand affair is the least upsetting for the spouse—please don’t take the “one night” literally, it can be two days or two weeks.

2. Short-Term Affair
A short-term affair lasts less than three months. Though upsetting, it does not necessarily cause the marriage to end.

3. Medium Length Affair
The length of this affair ranges from three to eighteen months. It is far more damaging to the marital relationship than a short term affair.

4. Long-Term Affair
An affair which last over eighteen months can cause the non-straying spouse to believe that their marriage has been one big lie. This marriage will have a difficult time surviving.

Ages of the Spouse:
In years past, the age of the spouses provided a strong indication of whether an affair would lead to divorce, divorce was significantly more common among younger people than older ones. Though that is still true, today, it is less true. Couples in their fifties and sixties now have a higher divorce rate, and I thought it was intent that the AARP recently wrote an article about married couples over 55 who are divorcing.

Presence of Children:
When a parent considers divorce, they often give thought to how the divorce will affect their children. Parents still divorce. In fact, more than half of all children younger than 18 will spend some part of their childhood in the home of a single parent. Though parents are concerned about the effect of a divorce upon their children, the number of marriages that end in divorce show their children are not a definite antidote to divorce. I’ve met parents who wait until their children are out of high school before divorcing. Though these parents have the well-being of their children in mind, studies have shown that often these older children feel they were lied to – that their parents knew divorce was on the horizon and kept it a secret from them. Children have a hard time when parents are not honest with them.

Attachment Between the “Straying Spouse” and their Lover
The degree of the emotional attachment between the spouse having the affair and their lover is of paramount importance, though, it may not be the ultimate determinative of the end of the marriage. If the non-straying spouse believes the lovers are more intimate than the intimacy of the spouses within the marital relationship, they may feel that the emotional affair is a greater betrayal than an affair that doesn’t have that sexual aspect. A close emotional bond between the straying spouse and their lover is a sure sign that something is seriously remiss in the marital relationship. On the other hand, there are some marriages in which the affair helps to maintain the marital relationship, as one spouse has their attachment needs met by someone else.

Traits of Each Spouse:
A host of traits give rise to the ability or the desire of spouses to stay married. The foremost trait to continue the marital relationship is the non-straying spouse’s ability for forgiveness. Not everyone has the capacity to forgive the person who hurts them. . Notice that I did not use the term “forgive and forget”.

Strength of the Emotional Bond Between the Spouses:
The emotional bond within a marital relationship ranges from two people who c-exist to two people who have an intensely close relationship. One might assume that the strength of this bond clearly indicates whether a divorce will occur because of an affair, but this is not the case. One might also assume that if the marital relationship is simply one of co-existing – the couple’s relationship couldn’t withstand an affair, yet this is not always the case, as the expectations of the spouse are low. On the opposite end of the range, married people who consider themselves “best friends” may be the ones who divorce because their expectations of their spouse were high. If a person trusts their spouse as one would trust a best friend, the spouse feels betrayed – and may well seek divorce.

CONCLUSION

When a spouse has an affair, the marital relationship is affected, whether or not the spouse knows about it. The emotional cost of an affair ranges from disturbing to disaster.

Sometimes an affair leads to a divorce, while others do not, and I’ve noted several factors that point to whether an affair will lead to divorce.

As a divorce mediator, I have worked with well over a thousand couples when a spouse wanted an affect, and it is clear that the divorce negotiations for the couple will be far more difficult if either spouse is having an affair.

I hope that this article sheds light on a much needed issue.

To read on please click here

Divorce is leaving and ending up the relationship with your hubby. When you marriage is not successful and everything is not going to the right track. then you should definitely think about how to avoid divorce. so, few divorce tips are

These days peoples are taking divorce after living many years together. Many time we see married peoples taking divorce after living 20 – 25 years or more. These days rate of divorce are very high and keep increasing in U.S. and Europe. Few countries have far less divorce rate as compared to Europe but these third world countries are not yet developed like European countries.

2) Leave all differences: You should not adamant on your things. If you want to keep your partner happy. Keep aside your Ego first. then behave in lovely manner, that is what matter to every person. Before love anyone can melt.

3) Compromise with your partner: Compromise don’t make anyone small, doing this is big thing. Not everyone can compromise. Doing this required big heart. so, big and do some compromise. if you do so, your partner will wonder WHY? they think if sun rises from west.

4) Learn from grass: Grass is the perfect example of politeness. you should learn politeness. what if she is your wife. behave her with respect and care. You will see difference in few days.

5) Don’t expect : This is what you should avoid. Don’t expect anything in return. Whatever you do think as your responsibility. So, whatever you do for others don’t expect anything in return. Like zen habits. Like this you will be happy for sure.

6) Forgive other: Forgiveness is biggest thing in this world. If you hubby do some mistake then you should forgive them. And don’t insult them by realising anything. Don’t talk these thing again if you do so, this will be insult for them.

7) Go for long walk: Slow and steady morning and evening walk is good for health but this is better for relationship too. Your relationship will magiaclly change by doing so.

Gift: Give some gift, even it is small rose. small small things matter in life. so, do gifts too.

9) Romantic dinner: You do dinner daily, but plan some day good and romantic dinner in candle lights. You will see the how beautiful the life is.

10) Hugs and Kisses: Give them a warm hug and kiss. Make them realise how much you care for them. Look this effort will work for sure.

These Divorce tips will surely avoid any change future problems. also, These things help in day to day life too. Before getting any red flag from your partner, you should nurture relationship. So, no more thinking about avoiding divorce

When you are both standing at the altar with stars in your eyes and love in your hearts, it is difficult to think how differently things can be in a short time in the future. For some, that short time is measured in months or even weeks, and for others that time frame is measured in years. It is amazing to note the number of divorces that occur after a couple has been married for 25, 30, or even more years in today’s society.

But in truth, except in extreme cases, chances are high that at least one of you, if not both of you, really do not want a divorce. A divorce has a permanence about it that neither one of you want to face. There will be ramifications from family members, friends, your church or synagogue, at your place of employment, and you just really do not want all those hassles. You need to be asking yourself if a divorce is really what you want, or if there are some things that you could and should be doing differently, looking at from a different perspective, and taking a more subjective viewpoint with. After all, you realized a long time ago that marriage is a set of compromises, and more often than not, a simple conversation about those compromises will clearly show that one or the other of you, and mostly likely both of you, are not living up to those compromises.

Divorce usually becomes a situation when two people who were once very close, perhaps even soul mates, have become separated. Perhaps not separated physically, but separated in terms of being mentally on the same page with the same goals and the same objectives. So digging a little deeper, the root cause is almost always communications, or rather, a LACK of communication between the two of you. So would increased communication get you back on the same page again? A surprisingly high number of cases, after counseling, report that the answer to that question is yes.

Like anything else, communication is a two way street. One person cannot do all the talking and the other one do all the listening. Talking is a skill that most of us are born with, but very few of us have really mastered, or even tried to master the fine art of listening. You need to listen to what your partner is saying, and value that input since that is what they are thinking, that is what they are at right now. They are probably giving you clues, like a road map, in terms of how to get back on the same page as you are on.

First, determine what has caused you to stop communicating effectively. In today’s world, the answer to that is frequently the fact that both of you are working full time, and at the end of the day, since you both put so much of yourself into your job, you have very little energy left over to devote to your relationship. It goes without saying that such a situation is not good and will inevitably without fail be detrimental to your relationship. Make an effort to save some of your energy to communicate with your spouse after a long hard day at work. It may actually help you to unwind, instead of rerunning the day’s hassles in your mind, to put those things out of your mind and concentrate on something else, like your spouse, what they did today, and what was important in their day. Showing interest in the other is always a step closer towards effective communication.

For some couples, however, this is not enough. They have drifted too far apart for too long of a time to be able to effectively reestablish communication between them. There are more considerations you should be thinking about before the answer of divorce should be considered, however, all of which should be very seriously considered prior to deciding that divorce is the only viable answer, because in a surprising number of cases, divorce was only one of many viable options.

To read on please click here