The Top 5 Things Couples Argue About
by www.SixWise.com

All couples argue from time to time, and, in a general sense, turns out we’re all arguing about the same things.

More than 70% of couples talk to their partners about money at least once a week

According to relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall, the top five things that couples argue about are (and roughly in this order):

• Money
• Sex
• Work
• Children
• Housework

Money

A study commissioned by Smart Money magazine and Redbook found that more than 70 percent of couples talked to their partner about money at least once a week. With all of this communication, where are we going wrong?

“When a couple has any problem, it’s because of a power imbalance,” says Donna Laikind, a marriage and family therapist who counsels couples on money issues. “Money is not seen as the commodity that it should be. It’s fraught with layers and layers of meaning.”

The respondents in the study said they fought most often about debt, spousal spending and then their own purchases. They worried about saving for retirement, taking risks with investments and loaning money to the kids. It’s common in many relationships for one partner to be a “spender” while the other is a “saver,” which is where much of the conflict arises.

Although the study found most couples (64 percent) merge all of their money into joint accounts when they get married, this isn’t always the best option for everyone. “Married couples should try different ways of handling the money to see what works for them,” says Ginita Wall, CFP and co-founder of the Women’s Institute for Financial Education.

Says Ruth Hayden, author of “For Richer, Not Poorer: The Money Book for Couples,” the best choice to avoid conflict may include keeping some accounts separate. “You should have some autonomy money, I should have some autonomy money, and we need to learn how to practice being a couple together with our money.”

Sex

“Sex can be a wonderful cementer or a terrible wedge [for relationships],” says Dr. Linda Banner, Ph.D., a licensed sex therapist and a researcher associated with Stanford University Medical School.

While the average adult has sex 61 times a year, according to University of Chicago’s National Opinion Research Center, emotional and physical problems can drive that number significantly down. (Studies have also found that couples in happier marriages have sex more often.)

According to Hall, “Arguing about how often to have sex is nearly always about feeling loved and cared for and deeper needs for connection and affection.”

“A good sex life is an important part of an individual’s overall health,” says Mark Schoen, Ph.D., director of sex education for the Sinclair Intimacy Institute. “People who have a good sex life feel better [mentally and physically].”

However, with many people leading hectic lives, sex often gets put on the backburner. “The worst thing that can happen to a relationship is that a sex life becomes routine and boredom sets in,” Schoen says.

As long as physical problems are not at play, a sex therapist can help couples to regain a sense of intimacy. “Much of the fix is grounded in communication and reprioritizing one’s life to make time for love and sex,” says Jan Sinatra, a psychotherapist and co-author of “Heart Sense for Women.”

Work

Deciding how much time to devote to a career, family and a spouse is a major issue among some couples, as devoting time to each is a significant task. Combine this with deciding who will take care of the family and household and work can become a major battlefront for couples.

Studies show that couples who fight have happier marriages than those who avoid conflict altogether.

Issues about career often come down to differences in expectations. While one partner may envision spending weekends together, the other may want to spend Saturday putting in extra hours at the office. Or, if both partners work, dividing roles at home is a must so one partner doesn’t feel he or she is taking on an unfair amount of responsibility.

“Most rows start because of differences of opinion, but with patience and basic communication skills you should be able to negotiate a compromise,” said Hall.

Children

Bringing children into the mix brings up a whole new host of potential problems, from how to discipline the children to arguing in front of the kids to saving for college educations. You may also argue about whether or not to have children at all and/or fertility issues that may arise.

The biggest areas of disagreement for couples who have children include money, finding enough time for each other and other responsibilities, sex, and dealing with the in-laws (and their advice on how to raise your family).

When it comes to raising a family together, the most important thing you can do to preserve your relationship, says Hall, is talk.

“Talk, talk, talk and more talk. It can be difficult to keep lines of communication open when you’re both busy and exhausted, but it’s the most important thing you can do to prevent minor issues becoming major problems,” says Hall.

For more tips on raising a family together, try reading “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families” by Stephen R. Covey.

Housework

Though it sounds trivial, household chores are a major source of conflict for couples, not because of the actual tasks but because of their underlying meaning.

“Rows about housework are often about unfilled needs for respect and worth,” Hall points out.

Indeed, if one partner feels they are putting in more effort around the house, it brings up notions that the other person does not respect the other enough to help out. It also brings up issues of power, especially if the person making more money feels they shouldn’t have to pitch in around the home.

“Love and respect are essential ingredients in a relationship and sometimes housework becomes the battleground where you fight for these needs. Housework can become a distraction from the main issue,” says Hall.

Further adding to the potential conflict is that everyone has different opinions about what a “clean” home should be. If one partner is a “neat freak” and the other is more laid back, it can lead to a constant struggle. Hall recommends the following tips for avoiding housework-related arguments:

• Sit down and talk about housework. How was it handled when you were a child, and how does this affect you today?
• Negotiate a “tidiness standard” that you are both happy with.
• Come to an agreement about who should do which chores.
• Talk about whether your housework-related arguments may have a deeper meaning.

Is Fighting Always a Bad Thing?

Some experts believe that arguing — far from being a bad thing — is actually one of the healthiest things a couple can do. In fact, research from the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver found that couples who argue are more likely to be satisfied with their marriages than couples who withdraw from conflict.

Taking the time to think about your conflicts and their deeper meanings is key. “Conflict,” explains James Sniechowski, Ph.D., a couples’ counselor, “is generally understood to be either win or lose. And in that context, it’s unattractive and dangerous. But conflict is in fact a signal from the relationship saying, ‘Something has to change. Pay attention here.’ And once you understand this, conflict can become the doorway to more intimacy in all areas: emotional, sexual, spiritual, and intellectual.”

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The Relationship Pyramid

Imagine a pyramid – let’s call is a “Relationship Pyramid.” At the base of the pyramid is friendship, the most basic of human relationships. As you move higher in the pyramid, the different levels (in order) include: Getting to Know the Person Better; Getting to Know the Person’s Family Better; Exclusive Relationship; Engagement; and Marriage. At the top of the pyramid is the intimacy of sex. Now, who would happen if you built a pyramid upside down, trying to balance in on the point of the pyramid? It would collapse from all the weight at the top. At the very least, it would fall over and get damaged. The same happens when you begin a relationship with sexual activity, in hope that friendship and love will follow. It doesn’t work. It is contrary to God’s plan for life and love, and, in almost all cases the relationship ends up collapsing or really hurting the persons involved.

How do you know “How far is too far?”

When it comes to this question, most people have two sets of standards: one that applies to themselves and one that applies to others. Fr example, if a person were to walk up to you and say, “I know whom you are going to marry… but I’m going to date that person first. So I wanted to ask you, ‘How far is too far?” Or, what if this person asked how far he or she could go with your sister or brother? In both cases, you would have a very clear set of boundaries for their actions.

Why, then, do the standards change when it comes to setting boundaries for our own actions? Often, we come up with all kinds of reasons or excuses why those standards do not apply to us. We say to ourselves, “I really love him, and I can see myself marrying him” or “Why is it that bad? She’s willing to do it.”

Why do we feel a sense of protection for our future spouses or our siblings, but when it comes to guarding our own dignity and innocence, we are sometimes casual or downright reckless?

couple of days I start to… feel this unbelievable love that God has for us.” He knew in the depth of his heart that the fingerprint of God on a relationship is purity and peace. He knew, even as he struggled to live in purity, that sacrificing 1for the good of the other brings a couple closer that any pleasure on earth.

So if you really want to know “How far is too far?” realize that you’re asking the wrong question. What we should be asking is, “God, how do You want me to live and love so I can find the happiness for which I really love?” If we approach God with this type of sincere faith and trust, He will bless us beyond our hopes. Instead of asking how far you can go away from purity, perhaps it’s time to start asking how far you can go toward it.

You will soon realise that the more pure you are, the easier it is to be pure. St. Paul writes, “To the pure, all things are pure” (Ti 1:15). What makes it hard to be pure is when we try to be “sort of” pure while allowing ourselves to get sexually revved-up with things like foreplay, pornography and masturbation. When we compromise our purity like this, our appetite for sexual union only increases and makes us feel like purity is impossible. But purity is possible for the one who truly seeks it.

Unfortunately, may people thing that purity is equal with being prude. It is not. A prudish person things sex is somehow bad or “dirty.” A person who possesses the virtue of chastity, however, is someone who respects, protects, and saves sex precisely because it’s so valuable, beautiful, and wonderful.

Questions

In your exercise book write detailed answers to these questions:
What happens to the Relationship Pyramid when Sex comes first?
If you are dating someone and come to the realisation that you wouldn’t really want to be friends with this person what do you think you should do? And Why?
Why is “How far is too far?” the wrong question to ask?
What do you think it means to say, “To the pure, all things are pure?”
What is the difference between purity and bring prude?

Friendship is the most important ______________ for any long term relationship. The key is not to ________________ all our desires, but to realise we should save sex for marriage precisely because it is so _______________, beautiful and wonderful.  To help maintain our _______________we should avoid getting sexually revved-up with things like “hooking-up” and _______________.  There is no point revving the engine up unless you plan on going for a drive!
Purity        Masturbation    Foundation    Valuable    Ecstatic
Friendship    Rubber        Fondling    Desires        Pleasure

Does your child have behavior problems? Your relationship with your child likely needs some attention.By Jeanie Lerche Davis

You know the checkout line scenario: 3-year-old child wants this toy, this candy, this something — and she wants it nooooow! The crying starts, escalating into a full-blown tantrum.

In his new book, The Ten Basic Principles of Good Parenting, Laurence Steinberg, PhD, provides guidelines based on the top social science research — some 75 years of studies. Follow them, and you can avert all sorts of child behavior problems, he says.

After all, what is the goal when you’re dealing with children? To show who’s boss? To instill fear? Or to help the child develop into a decent, self-confident human being?

Good parenting helps foster empathy, honesty, self-reliance, self-control, kindness, cooperation, and cheerfulness, says Steinberg. It also promotes intellectual curiosity, motivation, and desire to achieve. It helps protect children from developing anxiety, depression, eating disorders, anti-social behavior, and alcohol and drug abuse.

“Parenting is one of the most researched areas in the entire field of social science,” says Steinberg, who is a distinguished professor of psychology at Temple University in Philadelphia. The scientific evidence for the principles he outlines “is very, very consistent,” he tells WebMD.

Too many parents base their actions on gut reaction. But some parents have better instincts than others, Steinberg says. Children should never be hit — not even a slap on a toddler’s bottom, he tells WebMD. “If your young child is headed into danger, into traffic, you can grab him and hold him, but you should under no circumstances hit him.”

Ruby Natale PhD, PsyD, professor of clinical pediatrics at the University of Miami Medical School, couldn’t agree more. She offered a few of her own insights. “Many people use the same tactics their own parents used, and a lot of times that meant using really harsh discipline,” she tells WebMD.

A parent’s relationship with his or her child will be reflected in the child’s actions — including child behavior problems, Natale explains. “If you don’t have a good relationship with your child, they’re not going to listen to you. Think how you relate to other adults. If you have a good relationship with them, you tend to trust them more, listen to their opinions, and agree with them. If it’s someone we just don’t like, we will ignore their opinion.”

Steinberg’s 10 principles hold true for anyone who deals with children — coach, teacher, babysitter, he says.

The 10 Principles of Good Parenting

1. What you do matters. “This is one of the most important principles,” Steinberg tells WebMD. “What you do makes a difference. Your kids are watching you. Don’t just react on the spur of the moment. Ask yourself, ‘What do I want to accomplish, and is this likely to produce that result?’”

2. You cannot be too loving. “It is simply not possible to spoil a child with love,” he writes. “What we often think of as the product of spoiling a child is never the result of showing a child too much love. It is usually the consequence of giving a child things in place of love — things like leniency, lowered expectations, or material possessions.”

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Marriage is the foundation upon which your entire family is structured. If your marriage is strong, your whole family will be strong; your life will be more peaceful, you’ll be a better parent, and you’ll, quite simply, have more fun in your life.

Make a Commitment
To create and maintain a strong marriage you will have to take the first critical step: You must be willing to put time, effort, and thought into your marriage. When I made this statement during a lecture, one woman spoke up. She had a quiet voice, but she spoke with determination, “Elizabeth, I hear you, and I know what you say is right. But I have three preschoolers! I work part-time, do all my own housework, cooking, and laundry. I just don’t have any more energy at the end of the day to ‘work’ on my marriage.”

I noticed that several other women in the room were nodding their heads as she spoke and they waited for my response. “I certainly understand! I have four children and my own business, I know how busy life can be. But let me ask you one vital question: how would you like to have three preschoolers, work part-time, do your own housework, cooking, and laundry, and do it all as a single mother? Because if you take care of everything else, and neglect your marriage, that’s what could happen.”

Suddenly every mother who nodded a minute ago was looking at me with wide eyes. The thought that their marriage, which was at the very bottom of their priority list, could be in jeopardy, hit them very hard. I noticed that I now had the complete attention of several of the fathers who earlier seemed lost in their own thoughts.

Let’s take another look at the commitment statement mentioned earlier. You must be willing to put time, effort, and thought into your marriage. The ideas that follow will help you follow through on this commitment and will put new life and meaning into your marriage. A wonderful thing may happen. You may fall in love with your spouse all over again. In addition, your children will greatly benefit from your stronger relationship. Children feel secure when they know that Mom and Dad love each other—particularly in today’s world, where 50 percent of marriages end in divorce; half of your children’s friends have gone, or are going through a divorce; or maybe it’s your kids who have survived a divorce and are now living in a new family arrangement. Your children need daily proof that their family life is stable and predictable. When you make a commitment to your marriage, your children will feel the difference. No, they won’t suffer from neglect! They’ll blossom when your marriage—and their homelife—is thriving.

Look For the Good
You married this person for many good reasons. Your partner has many wonderful qualities. Your first step in adding sizzle to your marriage is to look for the good and overlook the bad.

Make it a habit to ignore the little annoying things—dirty socks on the floor, a day-old coffee cup on the counter, worn-out flannel pajamas, an inelegant burp at the dinner table—and choose instead to search for those things that make you smile: the way he rolls on the floor with the baby; the fact that she made your favorite cookies, the peace in knowing someone so well that you can wear your worn-out flannels or burp at the table.

Give Two Compliments Every Day
Now that you’ve committed to seeing the good in your partner, it’s time to say it! This is a golden key to your mate’s heart. Our world is so full of negative input, and we so rarely get compliments from other people. When we do get a compliment, it not only makes us feel great about ourselves, it actually makes us feel great about the person giving the compliment! Think about it! When your honey says, “You’re the best. I’m so glad I married you,” it not only makes you feel loved, it makes you feel more loving.

Compliments are easy to give and they’re free. Compliments are powerful; you just have to make the effort to say them. Anything works: “Dinner was great, you make my favorite sauce.” “Thanks for picking up the cleaning. It was very thoughtful, you saved me a trip.” “That sweater looks great on you.”

Play Nice
That may sound funny to you, but think about it. How many times do you see—or experience—partners treating each other in impolite, harsh ways that they’d never even treat a friend? Sometimes we take our partners for granted and unintentionally display rudeness. As the saying goes, if you have a choice between being right and being nice, just choose to be nice. Or to put this in the wise words of Bambi’s friend Thumper, the bunny rabbit, “If you can’t say somethin’ nice don’t say nothin’ at all.”

Pick Your Battles
How often have you heard this advice in relation to parenting? This is great advice for child-rearing—and it’s great advice to follow in your marriage as well. In any human relationship there will be disagreement and conflict. The key here is to decide which issues are worth pursuing and which are better off ignored. By doing this, you’ll find much less negative energy between you. From now on, anytime you feel annoyed, take a minute to examine the issue at hand, and ask yourself a few questions. “How important is this?” “Is this worth picking a fight over?” “What would be the benefit of choosing this battle versus letting it go?”

The 60-Second Cuddle
You can often identify a newly married couple just by how much they touch each other—holding hands, sitting close, touching arms, kissing—just as you can spot an “old-married” couple by how little they touch. Mothers, in particular, often have less need for physical contact with their partners because their babies and young children provide so much opportunity for touch and cuddling that day’s end finds them “touched fulfilled”. So here’s a simple reminder: make the effort to touch your spouse more often. A pat, a hug, a kiss, a shoulder massage—the good feeling it produces for both of you far outweighs the effort.

Here’s the deal: Whenever you’ve been apart, make it a rule that you will take just 60 seconds to cuddle, touch, and connect. This can be addictive! If you follow this advice, soon you’ll find yourselves touching each other more often, and increasing the romantic aspect of your relationship.

Spend More Time Talking and Listening
I don’t mean, “Remember to pick up Jimmy’s soccer uniform.” Or “I have a PTA meeting tonight.” Rather, get into the habit of sharing your thoughts about what you read in the paper, what you watch on TV, your hopes, your dreams, your concerns. Take a special interest in those things that your spouse is interested in and ask questions. And then listen to the answers.

Enjoy Couple Time
It can be very difficult for your marriage to thrive if you spend all your time being “Mommy” and “Daddy.” You need to spend regular time as “Husband” and “Wife.” This doesn’t mean you have to take a two-week vacation in Hawaii. (Although that might be nice, too!) Just take small daily snippets of time when you can enjoy uninterrupted conversation, or even just quiet companionship, without a baby on your hip, a child tugging your shirtsleeve, or a teenager begging for the car keys. A daily morning walk around the block or a shared cup of tea after all the children are in bed might work wonders to reconnect you to each other. And yes, it’s quite fine to talk about your children when you’re spending your time together, because, after all, your children are one of the most important connections you have in your relationship.

When you and your spouse regularly connect in a way that nurtures your relationship, you may find a renewed love between you, as well as a refreshed vigor that will allow you to be a better, more loving parent. You owe it to yourself—and to your kids—to nurture your relationship.

So take my challenge and use these ideas for the next 30 days. And watch your marriage take on a whole new glow.

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When you have problems in your relationship, it is easy to start placing blame. However, it is not healthy, especially not if you want the relationship to last very long. It does not matter why you are placing blame, it is not a good idea.

So, next time you find yourself thinking any of the following, stop yourself and follow the steps for how to stop placing blame:

I did so much to try and make her/him happy, but she/he refuses to acknowledge that.
I have sacrificed so much for them and they do not even notice.
If they would not be stubborn our relationship would be ideal.

If, if, if, they, they, they.The game of blame.

Blame kills beautiful relationships, and creates hatred between lovers. So, if you find that you start going from “our” to “me and you” you can know you are falling into the balme game, so try to following to put a stop to it:

1. Stop and reflect. You need to say to yourself that you are in a rut, you are placing blame when you should be moving on, so it is time to ask yourself if the relationship has gone beyond repair. Is the relationship giving more pain than pleasure? If so, it would be wise to see help, such as a therapist or counselor, or separate.
2. Recognize your reasons. Why do we blame somebody else for problems in OUR relationship? It does not matter if it their kids, your mother, a friend, or the other person in the relationship, blame is unhealthy. Blaming others is an easy way out. Occasionally another person is responsible for what might have gone wrong, but how we react to it and handle it is our own responsibility, and placing blame does not help anything.
3. Change your ways. If you want a healthy relationship, whether new or previously established you need to realize that even if one partner has blundered, the other should support him/her. Rather than taking the accusing tone, it will be a tone of understanding and being together to work through a problem. If you become accusatory you need to change how you are acting. Ask yourself if the same blame would have been put in the beginning of the relationship.

If you want to stop placing blame in your relationship you need to recognize what makes a relationship healthy so you can avoid behaviors that are unhealthy. In relationships, you are not supposed to punish the other person in any way for whatever fault, you are supposed to help them be better, love them despite their faults. Then, if you partner keeps making the same mistake, or keeps repeating destructive behavior, you have the freedom to leave. Blame and tearing someone down is abuse. It should not be done. So, either move away or come together again and leave the blame behind, it is up to you.

Blaming someone is an indication of deeper relationship problems, so to stop the blame, fix the relationship. Regain your love, respect, and desire to uplift, not drag down, the person you are with.

If both of you are placing blame on external things, such as “Our second marriage would work if neither one of us had kids coming in.” Then it is time to put a stop to it, own up to your responsibility and stop placing blame, instead fix the issues, or move on. If you never learn to stop placing blame, you will never have a successful and fulfilling relationship because instead of fixing issues, you will ignore them and blame someone else.

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How to seek intimacy in a marriage

All relationship needs intimacy. What intimacy means to women and to a man can be of different views. To have a solid relationship,both sexes need intimacy.

Mostly when women thinks of intimacy is usually emotional intimacy that frequently involves individuals discussing their feelings and emotions with each other to have more understanding and mutual support. This form of intimacy on a regular basis helps to develop and maintain good mental health. When a woman says, ‘Let’s talk first,’ she is not being coy or playing hard to get. A woman needs to feel an emotional bond before sex begins. Sure, a woman can have sex without the emotional bond, however, for a lasting relationship, this emotional bond must be present. Feeling emotionally attached to your partner takes the physical intimacy to a level that simple sex cannot achieve.

For a man, intimacy generally means physical intimacy. That is how they feel close to their partner. That does not mean they do not have an emotional connection, because for a lasting relationship, this is required. However, aside from sex as simply sex, men also need the physical intimacy to feel loved Sex alone is not enough.

The emotional connection must be there for it to be meaningful. Performing without feeling will not meet a man’s needs on this level.

Physical intimacy for women on the other hand, does not always mean sex. Women generally like to start with hugging, kissing, and other forms of physical intimacy before sex begins. Men also enjoy these things, however, to feel connected to their partner men usually need sex too. Men and women are really looking for the same thing. It is their approach that differs. We all want to feel connected. Women place more importance on the emotional connection and men on the physical, but both are required by everyone. Here are a few suggestions that can make your connection with your partner stronger and build intimacy on every level.

Men, take the time to talk, hold hands, hug, kiss, connect to your women. When she says, ‘I’m not in the mood,’ it is because you haven’t taken the time to do these things. This doesn’t mean walk up, say hi, give her a hug and kiss, and start groping. Instead, try this approach, ask her about her day, care about her feelings and discuss them. Hold her hand or put your arm around her as you talk. Give her a hug and kiss here and there without expecting more. When she is talked out, she will usually be as ready for physical intimacy as you are. Discussing your feelings with her will build trust between you and create a strong emotional bond.

Women, if you are in a committed, long-term relationship, understand that men need sex to continue to feel connected to you. Refusing a man is the same thing as a slap in the face. This doesn’t mean you have to perform every time he demands it. Far from it. Explain to him what you need to be in the mood for sex. Men do not always understand a women’s needs because they have never been told. Often times, once a man understands, he will try to give you what you need. Remember, too long without sex erodes a man’s belief that you love him.

Improving intimacy is one of the most important things in a relationship. The first step in building a strong, long-lasting relationship is the understanding on how to meet your partner’s needs.

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Ten Steps to Better Communication

Tess Thompson

While there are many factors that are important in the success or failure of a marriage, the ability to communicate with each other is one that stands out head and shoulders above the rest! I work extensively with couples, both online and offline. After more than 15 years of experience, I can safely say that, no matter what other problems exist, a marriage can stand or fall on the basis of how well the couple can communicate with each other.

I have counseled couples who have everything going for them. They have all the money they need and more. They have lovely children. They have beautiful homes, successful careers, supportive families – everything that they need! Yet because of poor communication skills, their marriage is failing. Conversely, I have counseled couples who are going through very hard times. This could be due to financial difficulties, illness, problems with children or even infidelity. Despite the difficulties that they experience, couples who can communicate clearly with each other have a much better chance of overcoming problems and staying together.

Poor communication causes conflict, misunderstanding, hurt and resentment. Effective communication can keep marriages together in even the most difficult of times. If I had to identify the most important element of a successful marriage, it would be the couple’s ability to communicate with each other.

Communication is a very complex thing. If it were simple, I suppose it would be much easier to get it right! In order to do the subject full justice, one would need to go into much more depth than is possible in the space of one article. However, over the years, I have identified certain communication styles or problems which cause difficulties in relationships. What I will do in this article, is to talk about some of the most important mistakes that couples make and also look at some strategies to develop healthier communication patterns in a marriage. As I go through them, I am sure that you will recognize yourself in many of the examples that I use. Whether you are a young couple who wants to improve on a good relationship, or a couple in crisis who need some help, this article will give you some guidelines to work on to improve your communication skills.

Before I continue, let us first establish that it is impossible NOT to communicate. Even when two people are refusing to talk to each other, they are communicating something. Communication consists of words, silences, body language and other observable behavior – not words alone.

Having established that, let us look at 10 steps one can take to develop healthier communication patterns in your relationship.

1.Spend more time together

Why have I begun with such a simple rule? Surely everybody knows this? Well, sure they do – but do they practice it? In my experience the answer is No. The majority of people who consult me with marriage problems do not make regular time to be together and just talk. Life is busy. Children, careers, chores, recreation, friends and even TV often take precedence over the couple’s time together. When they do ‘go out’, it is probably to a movie or to friends where it is impossible to talk properly with each other. They are forever ‘meaning’ to spend time together and never get around to it. Soon they lose the ability to communicate with each other and may even find it difficult to spend time in each other’s company. Look around you in a restaurant. Some people say that you can identify the people who have been married for more than five years by the fact that they neither look at nor talk to each other. This may be a generalization, but it is often not far from the truth.

Without sufficient time together, it is not possible to learn to communicate well with each other. I have had couples who have consulted me with major problems, which have improved with the simple addition of more quality time together. It is an extremely important prerequisite for healthy communication! Don’t just agree to this in principle – practice it as well! Practice it NOW and not some time in the future when it is more ‘convenient’.

Because time is difficult to come by, you should make a deliberate effort to make time for each other. The best way to do this is to set aside a regular time at least once a week, or to make a definite day which is ‘your’ day or evening as a couple. You do not need to go out or spend money – you can stay at home and spend time together as well. Many people want to do this, but never seem to get it right. This brings me to my second step.

2. Prioritize your time together

As I said above, it is not enough to agree in principle. That is why regular quality time happens so infrequently between couples. Just like anything else, you have to prioritize time together. You have to see it as more important than the other things that take up your time or else it will not happen – especially if you have a busy schedule.

Why do most people get up every morning and go to work? Not because they love it, but because they have a routine of doing so, usually from Monday to Friday and at specified times. They are required to put in a certain amount of work and so they do. What would happen to the majority of us if our employers said that we could come to work ‘when we had the time’ and were prepared to pay us and promote us whether or not we did much work? How much time would we allocate to our work? What would we achieve?

Remember the old friend that you bumped into at the supermarket? The one who said that you should get together ’some time soon’? Have you heard from her? The chances are that you have not. What about the one who invited you for tea on Saturday afternoon at 3 pm? Now that would probably be an important date that you would want to keep!

If you expect the rewards of a good relationship, you MUST make regular time to spend together by prioritizing this as important in your life and by officially blocking off the time. If someone asks you around on a Friday night – and that is the night you usually spend with your partner, say ‘I am busy that night’. Make your time together the most important thing you do and it will certainly pay off! I cannot over-stress the importance of regular time together. This is so important that I have even advised couples to discontinue counseling unless they are prepared to make time together.

I am often amazed at people who are surprised that they get on better with their friends than their partners without realizing that one of the reasons is that they spend more quality time with their friends!

Many couples who have become estranged due to lack of time together, may find that when they do decide to work on it, they either end up arguing or they cannot find two words to say to each other. They then give it up as a ‘bad job’. Many come to their next therapy session and tell me ‘It didn’t work’.

My answer is ‘That is fine. You did it – now keep doing it!’ The fact is that you cannot expect to suddenly start communicating by magic! If you haven’t been out together for awhile, your expectations of the evening may be high and this could cause stress – which results in an argument. Small talk is easier between regular strangers than between couples. After all, you know most of the details of each other’s histories (career, hobbies, children, etc) – so you cannot simply chatter away as you would with a stranger.

If your first attempt does not work out, congratulate each other on spending the evening together and decide a date for the next time. Spend time together regardless of how difficult the time is – so long as you are both committed to keep on trying, that is the most important thing.

3. Never use intimidating tactics

Do not bully your partner. Shouting, swearing, threatening or banging of doors is abusive behavior. So is throwing objects, breaking things in the environment and, of course, actual violence against the person’s body. This kind of behavior is not acceptable under any circumstances whatsoever. Any behavior which would be defined as either rude, abusive or criminal if it were aimed at your neighbor, should be seen in an even worse light when it is aimed at your partner. Even if you are very angry and you have good reason to be so, violence or verbal abuse is unacceptable. SAY “I am so angry I don’t know how to express it”. DON’T smash your fist into the table to communicate your anger.

4. Never assume you understand

Make this a rule and you will avoid lots of problems and misunderstandings. I have sat in sessions with couples who have started a fight before my eyes because one of them misunderstood the other. Very often couples even argue about the very same thing! If you find that this happens to you a lot, try to make it a rule to double check with each other. If your partner says “I will see you at the entrance to the mall at 3pm’, confirm that you have understood her. Say ‘Three o’clock at the FRONT entrance, right?’

Sometimes we interpret things or communicate things incorrectly and then it is even more important to double check that you understand, before becoming emotional and attaching your own meaning to something. If your partner says “Sometimes I long for the times when I was single” it is very easy to translate this into “I wish I had never married you”, especially when you are feeling insecure. Once again, don’t assume – rather double check. Say “Do you mean that you wish that you had never married me?” or just “What do you mean by that?” You will find that you avoid many arguments and misunderstandings if you do not always assume that you understand and confirm that you have heard and interpreted your partner correctly.

5. Have your arguments one at a time!

Don’t store up your resentments, hurts and anger until they become too much to handle and then blast them all out in one go when the straw hits the proverbial camel’s back! You will appear unreasonable and your partner will probably behave very defensively. If there is something that is bothering you, take responsibility for your feelings and deal with it! Speak to your partner and say how you feel, without accusing him. Say “I feel hurt when you criticize me in public. I don’t want you to do it anymore.” Don’t say “You always pick on me. I know that you think I am stupid!” Above all, don’t say nothing and allow your feelings to build up until you explode and then drag out all the past hurts and complaints while you are about it! Deal with things one at a time and as soon as possible.

6. Do not ‘piggy back’ your arguments.

How often have you told your partner “I wish you would pick up your socks”, only to be told “Well, what about you – you always leave the kitchen in a mess and expect me to clean it”. This is a very destructive way of arguing and is often just a knee jerk reaction designed to protect and focus attention away from oneself. Make a point of not responding to this poor communication strategy and never to be guilty of it yourself. If you wait for your partner to speak to you about something that bothers him and then jump on him with a complaint of your own, you will firstly discourage him from speaking to you about problems and secondly, you will be sure to cause an argument in which no one ‘wins’ and in which the issue at hand is never resolved.

When something bothers you, whether it is big or small, speak calmly to your partner about it. Do not wait for her to bring up a related issue and then ‘jump on the bandwagon’. If your partner speaks about something on her mind, thank her for telling you about how she feels and try and understand her point of view and improve the way that you handle things. If she says “I wish you wouldn’t leave your socks all over the place”, say “Thanks for telling me that it bugs you. I will try to remember to put them in the laundry basket in future.” Is that so difficult? Don’t add your own ‘complaint’ to the list. Take responsibility for voicing your own concerns when they arise, rather than ‘piggy backing’ them onto a concern of your partner’s.

If you find your partner doing this, say “That is a different issue. You are welcome to talk to me about it when it arises again. For now, can we deal with what I have said?”

7. Work towards a ‘Win Win’ rather than a “Win Lose’ situation.

If you and your partner differ on a fundamental or even a minor issue, it rarely works to argue about it until somebody ‘loses’. In a situation like this there are no clear victors. Rather try to work towards a compromise which suits both of you.

For example, if one of you wants to go and see an action movie and the other wants to see a love story, don’t fight until one of you ‘gives in’. Try and find a solution together in which you both ‘win’. This may be solved by agreeing that one can choose the movie this week, while the other chooses next week or it may be some other solution (like flipping a coin) that works for both of you. The same solution could be applied to more difficult issues, like differences in religion.

8. Choose your time carefully when you need to talk about difficult things

Try not to deal with big issues when you feel emotional or when you are tired.

For example, when your husband comes home at three o’ clock in the morning, it is very difficult not to become upset and start shouting at him. This can only result in a huge argument where both of you say things which you later regret. Rather wait until the morning and then speak to him about how you feel. Ask him to explain himself and if you are not happy with his explanation, tell him so. Clearly define your limits in the situation as well as what you are and are not prepared to accept. Then let it go and move on. If he continues to do the same thing and disregards your feelings, then you have to decide what you are going to do about this. Are you prepared to accept it? Can you continue in the marriage if he refuses to change? Once you have made your decision, communicate it to him and take the necessary action.

Timing is always important – even for seemingly minor things. Think of the wife who begins confronting and questioning her husband the moment he opens the door. “Did you get the car washed?” “Why are you so late”, “Just wait until I tell you what the kids got up to today” or even “The dog ate your favorite T-shirt”. Rather spend some time greeting your partner and touching base in a warm and friendly way. Give him or her some space to adjust to being at home again. Later on you can communicate ‘bad news’, bring up the issues that have been bugging you or ask the questions that you need to ask. Even half an hour to ‘chill out’ can make all the difference.

9. Don’t use ’stonewalling’, ‘cold war’ or ‘passive aggressive’ tactics to try and communicate your displeasure

We are all guilty of this sometimes and these can be very destructive communication patterns.

If your partner does something that you don’t like, you may ‘freeze up’ and refuse to talk to or look at him for days. I have counseled couples who have been in this mode for months or even years. Learn to speak about your feelings and take responsibility for working through them with your partner. Remember, silences can become longer and longer each time until you both loose touch with each other permanently. This is very difficult to reverse after it has reached a certain point.

Don’t be ‘passive aggressive’. This is a very common and unhealthy way of communicating where the person deliberately and stubbornly refuses to co-operate as a way of communicating anger or resentment. A very simple example is the three-year-old child who works as slowly as possible to the bathroom because she does not want to go and have a bath. An ‘adult’ version of this would be a partner who withholds money from the budget because she is angry or who runs up the credit card as a way of ‘punishing’ her partner. Some people withhold sex, money or affection in order to communicate their angry or resentful feelings. Passive aggressive behavior is infuriating and childish! Take responsibility for your feelings and speak about them. Set clear limits and make your own decisions about how to respond in a mature way to your partner’s behavior.

10. Be aware of repeating unhealthy communication patterns that you have learnt from your parents

Many people are shocked to realize how their marriages resemble the marriages of their parents. It is very true that we learn how to be husbands or a wives by watching the way our parents treat each other. This then becomes part of our subconscious approach to our partners when we are adults – even when we don’t believe in it intellectually. Examine the way that you communicate with your partner. Do you bully? Do you nag? Do you submit too easily? Do you behave like your mother or your father? Be brutally honest with yourself. If you find that you have been repeating patterns of communication that your parents used, make a conscious decision to change. At first it will be difficult, but if you persevere it will become easier.

11. OK – I know I said Ten Steps, but here is one more for luck!

Try and remember to emphasize the positive more than the negative. It is easy to fall into the trap of focusing on negative things and forgetting to communicate positive feelings to your partner. Remember to praise and encourage each other and to regularly tell your partner what you like about him or her. We all need to feel admired and appreciated and when you communicate positive things to your partner, you create warm and loving feelings between the two of you. So tell your wife that she looks pretty in the red dress or tell your husband how handsome he looks with his new haircut. Speak about the things that you admire about each other as often as possible – it will make a big difference to how you feel towards each other!

I hope that this article has given you some guidelines to work on.

Good luck and be well!

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Marriage Facts

It’s not like I don’t have it all planned, from the feminist Anglican priest with punky hair who will officiate at the wedding ceremony, to the authentic Ukrainian polka band that will play at the reception.

My youngest brother, the flaming metrosexual, will fly in from overseas just to walk me down the aisle, and he’ll cry more than I. Friends and exes will come from all over the country (they promised to do so long ago). Everyone will be there except my mom. I’ll invite her, and she’ll deliver Catholic doctrine over the phone. I’ll shed a few tears, and bravely carry on. Whoever the husband is, she’ll be in a tux and I’ll be in a dress, great hair, high femme, belle of the ball.

And just like that, my fantasy of a same-sex wedding ends. Like the dream that stops right before you’re flying, arms extended, through the sky, I have no idea how this story concludes. I tell myself it’s because I’m too feminist, too lesbian-feminist, really, to be taken in by all the wedding glitz and glamour.

As the first anniversary of legalized same-sex marriage has come and gone, I’m still trying to make sense of this latest queer obsession, an institution I once jokingly nicknamed a “heterosexual reward ceremony.”

On June 28, 2005, a historic vote in the Canadian Parliament made same-sex marriage legal in every province in the country. Canada became one of only four countries in the world to legalize queer marriage. But the struggle doesn’t end there, of course, because our card-carrying evangelist prime minister Stephen Harper has said he will introduce a Parliamentary motion in this fall’s sitting of the House, re-opening the same-sex marriage debate.

Most legal experts claim that Harper will never succeed in overturning same-sex marriage law. However, the Conservative government’s very attempt to do so could be seen as an extraordinary infringement of human rights. While I’m only too happy to oppose our new reactionary regime on almost every front, I’d like to see this particular battle broaden its political scope.

Just like my ma, I’ve got my own share of doctrine to contend with, a pastiche of Marxism, feminism and queer theory. Marx and Engels were decidedly gloomy on the topic of marriage. According to them, marriage is a property relation, with its roots in slavery. It’s perfectly designed to work with capitalism, existing as both a unit of consumption (from wedding showers to funerals) a unit of production (partnerships produce more productive workers), and a means of state regulation of sexuality. Same-sex marriage, from a Marxist perspective, isn’t just a one-way deal: lesbians and gays get protection and legitimation from the state. The state benefits too. In other words, same-sex marriage plays into the hands of a government hell-bent on privatizing everything from pension plans to healthcare.

And just so we’re clear: you don’t have to get married to acquire most of the benefits and protections that already exist for cohabiting partners in this country. Moreover, many of these are private benefits, obtained through employment
(an extended company health plan, say). But if, like most people in Canada, you have little or no benefits, your surviving spouse doesn’t have them either. In any case, many workplaces have had same-sex spousal plans available for years. If marriage changes anything in an economic sense, then, it does so primarily for people in secure, well-paying jobs. Another legal benefit of marriage, the right to sponsor the immigration of a same-sex spouse to Canada, affects a very small number, since the Immigration Act recognizes only marriages conducted in Canada. This small but important gain also means that married queer immigrants get priority over those who, single and persecuted in their countries of origin, have no hope of such sponsorship.

As a private arrangement between two individuals, same-sex marriage can also be seen as taking a bite out of what we used to call “the community.” It amounts to turning over to the state conventionally packaged, tiny chunks of queerness, and leaving out the rest. For it’s a truism of this whole marriage mania that in terms of legitimation, social acceptance, and economic benefits, single queers are left out in the cold. In a thoughtful essay called “The Right to Be Lonely,” Denise Riley implies that the struggle for same-sex marriage creates new hierarchies. “One unhappy by-product of striving for enlarged acceptability is to push the resulting residue of everyone else further into the backwoods of an unspeakable deviancy. This, ironically, is a concomitant of promoting new family forms.”

Marx and Engels, utopian thinkers that they were, believed that it was in community, not in private relationships, that true freedom existed. Ah, community! The second wave of the women’s movement – my feminist generation – took this stuff seriously. We set up food and daycare co-operatives, publishing, health, media and political collectives. From the housing co-ops we lived in to the books we read, produced by feminist publishing houses, there was very little about our lives that was private or privatized. There was, to be frank, also bickering, disappointment, irritation. But as for me, daughter of immigrants, recovering Catholic, I grooved to lesbianism’s outlaw identity, its disdain of marriage, its freedom, and its abundant sex. For a short period, I was living that utopian, Marxist dream. I was nobody’s property. Wedding dresses? Bridal veils? These were the last things I ever thought I’d see at a Dyke March or a Pride Parade.

These days, feminism is a lot more personal than political. In many ways, queer community has taken over where feminism left off. Words like “same-sex” and even “lesbian” don’t begin to describe the creative, rebellious and feisty ways we’ve rewritten the rules of sex and gender. The lovers I take these days are more masculine than feminine: not so much lesbian, as butch and queer. I’ve located an immense and healing pleasure in being femme; the days of androgyny, army pants and baggy T-shirts are long behind me.

I now use the words “lesbian” and even “feminist” carefully and selectively. Am I still a lesbian if I’m dating someone who uses the male pronoun? Am I still a feminist if I fantasize my big fat Ukrainian wedding? And what if I don’t get married? Does the new utopia of same-sex marriage create of my life a dystopia? Some days I long for family, for that stifling, secure construction. Riley asks, “Why do we ‘all’ want to be seen as a family – if indeed ‘we’ do? To be socially recognized also means to be tabulated, monitored and regulated.”

I now think of my lesbian, feminist and socialist background as a kind of archive. It may no longer exist in the same vivid, practical way it did in the ’70s and ’80s but it does inform and enrich my stance on many things, including marriage. French philosopher Jacques Derrida wrote that archives are crucial to ethical existence. Archives are full of ghosts, and ghosts break binaries, living as they do between the present and the past. In Spectres Of Marx, Derrida encourages us “learn to live with ghosts, in the upkeep, the conversation, the company, or the companionship … of ghosts. To live otherwise, and better.”

It may be feminism, then, that will allow queer marriage, still in its brash infancy, to develop into an ethical position. Can queers do marriage otherwise and better? Or is marriage still just a big ol’ sell-out? Susan Thompson writes, in a February, 2004 article in rabble.ca, “North American society is far more comfortable with marriage in any form than with a more radical critique of the family and its social functions.” In the same article, trans academic Bobby Noble describes same-sex marriage as “one of the success stories of capitalism.” Lesbian author Jane Rule concurs: “Policing ourselves to be less offensive to the majority is to be part of our own oppression.”

I watch a queer marriage ceremony on TV. Two affluent young gay men vow to devote their lives to their relationship. Private property, private concerns. I see a turning inward, a loss of community.

And now it seems, the political stakes are higher than ever. We have a new Conservative regime that is out to revoke many rights we’ve fought for. Same-sex marriage is just one item on a long anti-queer, anti-woman grocery list. Give those guys a broad enough mandate (say, re-election as a majority), and we could be looking at the end of legal abortion and Medicare. No hope for universal daycare. The renewal of anti-terrorism legislation. The erosion of civil liberties, and of hate crime protection. Susan Thompson worries: “In the rush towards being accepted as normal, queer com-munities may lose one of their great strengths: an ability to examine social structures from a position of difference and, therefore, to work towards greater liberation for us all.”

My marriage fantasy is so over. But my political fantasies soar. Imagine a queer movement that wasn’t single-issue: that fought for daycare, refugee and workers rights and same-sex marriage, under the same campy banner? It’s time to revive the retro 90’s notion of making the links, forming coalitions around the body politics of sex, gender and race. And while we’re at it, lets revive and maybe even rewrite the retro slogans. Keep your laws off my body. Fight the right. Hey ho, hey ho, Notwithstanding has got to go.

Now that’s a demo I’d wear a wedding dress to.

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What are the most important factors in marriage success?

According to marriage research conducted by John Gottman, among the most important predictors of marriage success are:

• The man’s ability to accept influence from his partner; and
• The woman’s ability to moderate her approach to seeking influence.

In other words, marriages succeed when both partners give up some control.

For men, this usually means agreeing to try some of the approaches suggested by his partner instead of withdrawing, surrendering or jumping in with a premature resolution at the first sign of conflict. We’re not talking about merely complying with your partner’s wishes regardless of whether you agree. It’s not that she always gets her way. Influence means respecting her viewpoint and being willing to discuss issues.

For example: He wants to buy a small car. She recommends a larger vehicle, since they plan to start a family soon. On reflection, he decides that it makes sense to buy something larger.

For women, a moderate approach usually means toning down her insistence on getting a reaction from her partner even when she feels desperate to have a response. She doesn’t give up raising the issues that are important to her, but she’s patient and sensitive in how she engages him.

Example: Rather than asking him to discuss what kind of car to buy on a weeknight when he’s tired, she suggests that they talk about it on the weekend. Instead of starting the discussion on a critical note about his preference, she is careful to suggest that they consider their future needs before deciding.

It’s a bit paradoxical. Both partners seem to get more of what they want when they give up some control. How can this be? As we’ve often noted, men and women have different styles when it comes to conflict, as in so many other things.

Men have a very low tolerance for unstructured conflict. They just can’t seem to stand it when their partner brings up a sensitive issue, especially when they are feeling burdened or depleted by work or other demands. They often react by distancing themselves or withdrawing.

(These findings about gender-related characteristics are based on marriage research result averages for the genders, so while there may be individual differences and exceptions, the findings hold for most people to a greater or lesser degree.)

Women on the other hand, can’t stand to feel ignored, especially when they’re trying to bring up something that’s important to them. And that’s just how they feel when their partner gets overloaded and withdraws. Often they react by criticizing and/or escalating. And that’s just what their partner can’t tolerate.

So for guys: Try to be open to your partner’s point of view. Don’t avoid issues or try to railroad your point of view. If you start to feel overloaded, it’s okay to withdraw until you feel more able to handle a rational discussion. But it’s important to let your partner know that you aren’t dodging the issue. Make a specific appointment to resume the discussion-”in twenty minutes” or “Saturday morning at breakfast”–so she’ll know that you hear her.

And women: Start discussions calmly and positively. Avoid criticizing and escalating. If possible, schedule a mutually agreeable time to discuss your issue when your partner is feeling less depleted or burdened.

Believe it or not, these are the behaviors that research shows are among those most likely to contribute to a successful marriage.

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