Marriage Advice From the 1950’s for Today’s Couples

Older couples have been advising younger couples on marriage since the beginning of time. A lot of marriage advice is common sense but worth thinking about. There are several good tips and marriage advice from the 1950’s that still applies today.

Appreciate the differences. When two imperfect individuals choose to unite in marriage there are bound to be bumps in the road. The word “individual” implies individuality; this is important to remember. Because people are not clones they are going to have different likes and dislikes. As long as couples remember this, and learn to appreciate this, things will be fine. How mundane life would be if we all liked the same things, disliked the same things, chose the same books, movies, foods and places to go. Experience comes from trying different things and different things come from all the individuals that make up the world.

Agree to disagree. Couples are going to disagree, that is a fact. As long as they go into a marriage with this awareness it will not be a problem. It goes back to appreciating the differences in each other and it is these differences that make people the unique individuals that they are. The key is to listen to each others point of view and decide, together, on the best course to take.

Sometimes you have to go to bed angry. This advice is the opposite of the one most of us have heard before, “Never go to bed angry.” Sometimes a couple needs time to calm down and think rationally again. Sometimes this may even take several days and, since you cannot stay up for days on end, go to sleep. Rest clears our minds, restores our bodies and prepares us for whatever comes next.

Have dinner ready. This looks easier than it actually is in today’s busy world. Households either have both adults working outside of the home, one adult working from home or one adult taking care of the children. In any case, everyone is tired by the end of the day and it is not easy to put dinner on the table. There are several things to do to make this easier; cook on the weekend and freeze, cook a couple of times a week (taking turns) and cook enough for more than one meal, have a sandwich night, a baked potato night or a take-out night. Even a simple meal of canned soup, crusty bread and fruit makes a great meal and only takes 5 minutes to prepare.

Think of marriage as a work in process; with a little work, lots of smiles and plenty of patience a marriage can be the happy union it should be.

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1. Who you think you are is important. Like attracts like. Do you like who you are?

2. What you want in a relationship is important, and when you are willing to ask for it, you will be able to create it. But only ask for what you want when you are clear about what it is. Until then, don’t go around demanding things you just think you should have.

3. We get exactly what we focus on. The problem or the solution. We make a choice between them with every decision we make.

4. Tell yourself the truth about what you want, not what others (family, friends, spouse) say you should have.

5. Tell everyone else your truth about what you want. Don’t be afraid to share your vision and dreams with those you love.

6. You are not defined by your relationships unless you choose to be. Consider what it says about you if you deed over you soul to one.

7. Interdependent (two independent people) relationships are the only ones that work, long term.

8. Truth is the first thing necessary to create trust in our relationships. Respect is earned from trust, and love is earned from respect. Intimacy is the gift we get when we risk telling the truth.
* See the hierarchy of a functional relationship

9. Fear of intimacy is fear of the truth. Your truth is better for you than someone else’s. Just get to know what it is, so you can finally own it, and speak it..

10. If your relationship is not getting better, it is probable getting worse. Life is dynamic and nothing ever stays the same.

11. Every relationship is unique. It takes what it takes to work. If you want it to work, you have to work it. No shortcuts. No 50/50 deals.

12. It’s not your job to fix your mate, and it’s not his or her job to fix you. Take the relationship and what your mate says at face value and stop reading into it what you’d like to hear. We can work with what’s real. It’s impossible to deal with what’s not real.

13. Unconditional love is an inside job. If you haven’t gotten it by now, guess what…start working from within. When you can give it to yourself, you’ll be ready to give it to someone else. If you can give it to someone else, you’ll recognize it when it’s given to you.

14. If you both are committed to creating a functional relationship, agree to start doing it today, without any judgments about the past. Be willing to work in the solution and let go of your need to control the outcome, moment to moment, one day at a time. Joy can only be experienced in the present moment

15. Most of our fears about what may happen in this relationship are really fears we experienced in past relationships, and have nothing to do with this person. Come to grips with what’s real and what’s Memorex! .

16. When in an argument, ask yourself Does this really PASS THE SO WHAT TEST? For you to be right does the other person have to be wrong? Think about it. Life is short. Don’t waste it on arguments that have no meaning or purpose. You can always agree to disagree if you need to.
Then laugh about it, and go on to the next thing. Start observing your need to argue as just another dysfunctional, immature habit that needs to be broken.

17. When we finally learn to say we are sorry (at 3 or 93) we get to finally hear we are O.K. To error is human, and there is great virtue in all forgiveness, ourselves included. The best way to teach our children this lesson is by watching us demonstrate it.

18. Any negative, hurtful or sarcastic remark is abusive. Like a sharp knife, each word will carve out a chunk of a loving relationship that can never grow back. Please consider the source and outcome of your remarks, before you open you mouth to tell your truth.

19. Never let a day go by without saying and showing how much your relationship and partner mean to you. Never take a moment for granted. Express how grateful you are for your good fortune, however meek or humble it may be. Appreciation and gratefulness have magic in them. It seems the more we express them, the more reasons we are given to say thank you.

20. To have a functional relationship you have to be willing to risk loosing it everyday, by telling your truth. If you don’t feel free to tell your truth, start asking yourself why you think it’s so important to stay, and what else you are willing to loose besides your self-esteem.

For starters, you can ask your mate to tell their truth, and be willing to accept it at face value, without judgment. Now you both get to finally know the truth, and, if you each want a relationship based on what’s real for both of you.

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Have you come across couples where you can see a visible sign of disrespect between each other? Or find that one partner has low respect for the other? That is quite common, but why is that so? And how do the partners intend to continue in absence of mutual respect? Let us discuss.

Respect and how it affects our well-being?

Think of any situation when you felt disrespected. That happens many times in public places, work places and homes. How did you feel? You felt anger towards the person who disrespected you. You also felt that that person did not value your opinion or capability. You felt bad about the whole thing because your self-esteem was hurt. You felt like never giving your opinion to that person again.

When you feel respected you find that the other person is keenly listening to you. You find the body language of the other person positive and leaning towards you. You find that they ask questions or air their opinions believing that you will contribute positively to the dialogue. In such a situation you feel respected and involved. Your self-esteem gets boost and you respect the other person in turn.

Is respect always a two way street?

It is felt that respect is a two way street. If you give respect, you get it. Sometimes this law is broken. You may be trying to respect the opinion of the other part but the other party may be so disoriented due to anger, frustration or other reasons that they may simple brush aside all your opinions and argue with you with total disrespect. This frequently happens when some body is feeling very angry. If a couple gets into a situation when one of them is angry over the other, you will find the angry person using most derogatory terms. That breaks the respect between each other. Even if apologies are made after temper cools down the relationship does not get mended, because spoken words keep ringing in the mind of the injured person.

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