Sex, Lies and Conversation; Why Is It So Hard for Men and Women to Talk to Each Other?

by Deborah Tannen

The Washington Post, June 24, 1990

I WAS ADDRESSING a small gathering in a suburban Virginia living room — a women’s group that had invited men to join them. Throughout the evening, one man had been particularly talkative, frequently offering ideas and anecdotes, while his wife sat silently beside him on the couch. Toward the end of the evening, I commented that women frequently complain that their husbands don’t talk to them. This man quickly concurred. He gestured toward his wife and said, “She’s the talker in our family.” The room burst into laughter; the man looked puzzled and hurt. “It’s true,” he explained. “When I come home from work I have nothing to say. If she didn’t keep the conversation going, we’d spend the whole evening in silence.”

This episode crystallizes the irony that although American men tend to talk more than women in public situations, they often talk less at home. And this pattern is wreaking havoc with marriage.

The pattern was observed by political scientist Andrew Hacker in the late ’70s. Sociologist Catherine Kohler Riessman reports in her new book “Divorce Talk” that most of the women she interviewed — but only a few of the men — gave lack of communication as the reason for their divorces. Given the current divorce rate of nearly 50 percent, that amounts to millions of cases in the United States every year — a virtual epidemic of failed conversation.

In my own research, complaints from women about their husbands most often focused not on tangible inequities such as having given up the chance for a career to accompany a husband to his, or doing far more than their share of daily life-support work like cleaning, cooking, social arrangements and errands. Instead, they focused on communication: “He doesn’t listen to me,” “He doesn’t talk to me.” I found, as Hacker observed years before, that most wives want their husbands to be, first and foremost, conversational partners, but few husbands share this expectation of their wives.

In short, the image that best represents the current crisis is the stereotypical cartoon scene of a man sitting at the breakfast table with a newspaper held up in front of his face, while a woman glares at the back of it, wanting to talk. Linguistic Battle of the Sexes

How can women and men have such different impressions of communication in marriage? Why the widespread imbalance in their interests and expectations?

In the April issue of American Psychologist, Stanford University’s Eleanor Maccoby reports the results of her own and others’ research showing that children’s development is most influenced by the social structure of peer interactions. Boys and girls tend to play with children of their own gender, and their sex-separate groups have different organizational structures and interactive norms.

I believe these systematic differences in childhood socialization make talk between women and men like cross-cultural communication, heir to all the attraction and pitfalls of that enticing but difficult enterprise. My research on men’s and women’s conversations uncovered patterns similar to those described for children’s groups.

For women, as for girls, intimacy is the fabric of relationships, and talk is the thread from which it is woven. Little girls create and maintain friendships by exchanging secrets; similarly, women regard conversation as the cornerstone of friendship. So a woman expects her husband to be a new and improved version of a best friend. What is important is not the individual subjects that are discussed but the sense of closeness, of a life shared, that emerges when people tell their thoughts, feelings, and impressions.

Bonds between boys can be as intense as girls’, but they are based less on talking, more on doing things together. Since they don’t assume talk is the cement that binds a relationship, men don’t know what kind of talk women want, and they don’t miss it when it isn’t there.

Boys’ groups are larger, more inclusive, and more hierarchical, so boys must struggle to avoid the subordinate position in the group. This may play a role in women’s complaints that men don’t listen to them. Some men really don’t like to listen, because being the listener makes them feel one-down, like a child listening to adults or an employee to a boss.

But often when women tell men, “You aren’t listening,” and the men protest, “I am,” the men are right. The impression of not listening results from misalignments in the mechanics of conversation. The misalignment begins as soon as a man and a woman take physical positions. This became clear when I studied videotapes made by psychologist Bruce Dorval of children and adults talking to their same-sex best friends. I found that at every age, the girls and women faced each other directly, their eyes anchored on each other’s faces. At every age, the boys and men sat at angles to each other and looked elsewhere in the room, periodically glancing at each other. They were obviously attuned to each other, often mirroring each other’s movements. But the tendency of men to face away can give women the impression they aren’t listening even when they are. A young woman in college was frustrated: Whenever she told her boyfriend she wanted to talk to him, he would lie down on the floor, close his eyes, and put his arm over his face. This signaled to her, “He’s taking a nap.” But he insisted he was listening extra hard. Normally, he looks around the room, so he is easily distracted. Lying down and covering his eyes helped him concentrate on what she was saying.

Analogous to the physical alignment that women and men take in conversation is their topical alignment. The girls in my study tended to talk at length about one topic, but the boys tended to jump from topic to topic. The second-grade girls exchanged stories about people they knew. The second-grade boys teased, told jokes, noticed things in the room and talked about finding games to play. The sixth-grade girls talked about problems with a mutual friend. The sixth grade boys talked about 55 different topics, none of which extended over more than a few turns. Listening to Body Language

Switching topics is another habit that gives women the impression men aren’t listening, especially if they switch to a topic about themselves. But the evidence of the 10th-grade boys in my study indicates otherwise. The 10th-grade boys sprawled across their chairs with bodies parallel and eyes straight ahead, rarely looking at each other. They looked as if they were riding in a car, staring out the windshield. But they were talking about their feelings. One boy was upset because a girl had told him he had a drinking problem, and the other was feeling alienated from all his friends.

Now, when a girl told a friend about a problem, the friend responded by asking probing questions and expressing agreement and understanding. But the boys dismissed each other’s problems. Todd assured Richard that his drinking was “no big problem” because “sometimes you’re funny when you’re off your butt.” And when Todd said he felt left out, Richard responded, “Why should you? You know more people than me.”

Women perceive such responses as belittling and unsupportive. But the boys seemed satisfied with them. Whereas women reassure each other by implying, “You shouldn’t feel bad because I’ve had similar experiences,” men do so by implying, “You shouldn’t feel bad because your problems aren’t so bad.”

There are even simpler reasons for women’s impression that men don’t listen. Linguist Lynette Hirschman found that women make more listener-noise, such as “mhm,” “uhuh,” and “yeah,” to show “I’m with you.” Men, she found, more often give silent attention. Women who expect a stream of listener noise interpret silent attention as no attention at all.

Women’s conversational habits are as frustrating to men as men’s are to women. Men who expect silent attention interpret a stream of listener noise as overreaction or impatience. Also, when women talk to each other in a close, comfortable setting, they often overlap, finish each other’s sentences and anticipate what the other is about to say. This practice, which I call “participatory listenership,” is often perceived by men as interruption, intrusion and lack of attention.

A parallel difference caused a man to complain about his wife, “She just wants to talk about her own point of view. If I show her another view, she gets mad at me.” When most women talk to each other, they assume a conversationalist’s job is to express agreement and support. But many men see their conversational duty as pointing out the other side of an argument. This is heard as disloyalty by women, and refusal to offer the requisite support. It is not that women don’t want to see other points of view, but that they prefer them phrased as suggestions and inquiries rather than as direct challenges.

In his book “Fighting for Life,” Walter Ong points out that men use “agonistic” or warlike, oppositional formats to do almost anything; thus discussion becomes debate, and conversation a competitive sport. In contrast, women see conversation as a ritual means of establishing rapport. If Jane tells a problem and June says she has a similar one, they walk away feeling closer to each other. But this attempt at establishing rapport can backfire when used with men. Men take too literally women’s ritual “troubles talk,” just as women mistake men’s ritual challenges for real attack. [See box.] The Sounds of Silence

These differences begin to clarify why women and men have such different expectations about communication in marriage. For women, talk creates intimacy. Marriage is an orgy of closeness: you can tell your feelings and thoughts, and still be loved. Their greatest fear is being pushed away. But men live in a hierarchical world, where talk maintains independence and status. They are on guard to protect themselves from being put down and pushed around.

This explains the paradox of the talkative man who said of his silent wife, “She’s the talker.” In the public setting of a guest lecture, he felt challenged to show his intelligence and display his understanding of the lecture. But at home, where he has nothing to prove and no one to defend against, he is free to remain silent. For his wife, being home means she is free from the worry that something she says might offend someone, or spark disagreement, or appear to be showing off; at home she is free to talk.

The communication problems that endanger marriage can’t be fixed by mechanical engineering. They require a new conceptual framework about the role of talk in human relationships. Many of the psychological explanations that have become second nature may not be helpful, because they tend to blame either women (for not being assertive enough) or men (for not being in touch with their feelings). A sociolinguistic approach by which male-female conversation is seen as cross-cultural communication allows us to understand the problem and forge solutions without blaming either party.

Once the problem is understood, improvement comes naturally, as it did to the young woman and her boyfriend who seemed to go to sleep when she wanted to talk. Previously, she had accused him of not listening, and he had refused to change his behavior, since that would be admitting fault. But then she learned about and explained to him the differences in women’s and men’s habitual ways of aligning themselves in conversation. The next time she told him she wanted to talk, he began, as usual, by lying down and covering his eyes. When the familiar negative reaction bubbled up, she reassured herself that he really was listening. But then he sat up and looked at her. Thrilled, she asked why. He said, “You like me to look at you when we talk, so I’ll try to do it.” Once he saw their differences as cross-cultural rather than right and wrong, he independently altered his behavior.

Women who feel abandoned and deprived when their husbands won’t listen to or report daily news may be happy to discover their husbands trying to adapt once they understand the place of small talk in women’s relationships. But if their husbands don’t adapt, the women may still be comforted that for men, this is not a failure of intimacy. Accepting the difference, the wives may look to their friends or family for that kind of talk. And husbands who can’t provide it shouldn’t feel their wives have made unreasonable demands. Some couples will still decide to divorce, but at least their decisions will be based on realistic expectations.

In these times of resurgent ethnic conflicts, the world desperately needs cross-cultural understanding. Like charity, successful cross-cultural communication should begin at home.

Deborah Tannen, professor of linguistics at Georgetown University, is the author of “You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation,” published this month by William Morrow.

To read on please click here

Save Your Marriage: Sex, Just Do It

7 Relationship Problems and How to Solve Them

It’s the rare couple that doesn’t, sooner or later, run into a few bumps in the road. If you recognize ahead of time what those relationship problems can be, you’ll have a much better chance of weathering the storm, experts say.

Ideally, a couple should discuss certain basic issues — such as money, sex, and kids — before they decide to start their life together. Of course, even when you do discuss these issues beforehand, marriage (or a long-term, live-in relationship) is nothing like you think it’s going to be.

In spite of the fact that every marriage experiences relationship problems, couples who are successful have learned how to manage them and keep their love life going, says marriage and family therapist Mitch Temple, MS, author of The Marriage Turnaround. They gain success in marriage by hanging in there, tackling problems, and learning how to maneuver through the complex issues of everyday married life. Many do this by reading self-help books, attending seminars, browsing articles on the Web, going to counseling, observing other successful couples, or simply by trial and error.

Here are some common issues and ways to resolve them:

Relationship Problem: Communication

All relationship problems stem from poor communication skills, says Elaine Fantle Shimberg, author of Blending Families. “You can’t communicate while you’re checking your BlackBerry, watching TV, or flipping through the sports section,” she says.

Problem-solving strategies:

• Make time … yes, an actual appointment with each other, Shimberg says. If you live together, put the cell phones on vibrate, put the kids to bed, and let the answering machine pick up your calls.
• If you can’t “communicate” without raising your voices, go to a public spot like the library, park, or restaurant, where you’d be embarrassed if anyone saw you screaming.
• Set up some rules … like not interrupting until the other is through, banning phrases such as “You always …” or “You never …”
• Remember that a large part of communication is listening, so be sure your body language reflects that. That means, don’t doodle, look at your watch, pick at your nails, etc. Nod so the other person knows you’re getting the message and rephrase if necessary, such as, “What I hear you saying is that you feel as though you have more chores at home, even though we’re both working.” If you’re right, the other can confirm, and if what the other person really meant was, hey, you’re a slob and you create more work for me by having to pick up after you, perhaps they’ll say so but in a nicer way.

Relationship Problem: Sex

Even partners who love each other can be incompatible sexually. Compounding these problems, says Mary Jo Fay, is the fact that men and women alike are sorely lacking in sex education and sexual self-awareness. Yet, having sex is one of the last things we should be giving up, says Fay, who addresses the topic in her new book, Please Dear, Not Tonight. “Sex brings us closer together, releases hormones that help our bodies both physically and mentally, and keeps the chemistry of a healthy couple healthy,” she says.

To read on please click here

Protecting and Enhancing Sexuality in Marriage

As your relationship develops, sexuality changes. This is normal. Since intense sexual attraction is usually an important bonding element early in relationships, sexual changes often seem unwelcome. Many factors are involved in these changes.

Before we talk any further about the challenges of sex in marriage, it’s worth noting that married women and men report being significantly more satisfied with their sex lives than either single or cohabiting people.

One of the most fundamental challenges is the decline in sexual novelty. Novelty is a major sexual stimulant. Novelty is automatic early in your relationship. Later, sex naturally becomes more familiar and less novel with your partner.

Low desire is the top sexual problem in marriages. (For men, the top complaint is low frequency–although many women share this concern; for women, the top complaint is quality.) You may need to seek approaches to increasing the stimulation of your sex life at some point to compensate for the loss of partner novelty. The basic strategy is to seek new sources of novelty and variety. Read on for suggestions.

Other common interfering factors include anger, time, avoidance and anxiety.

While most couples don’t want to make love while they are in the middle of a fight, it’s a mistake to put aside your sex life for an extended period because of disagreements. (Volatile couples, especially, may find making up from fights to be a passionate experience.) Repair your fights and don’t interrupt your sex life out of anger.

Lack of time is one of the most often cited reasons for infrequency of sex. One of the most common myths is that sex has to take a certain amount of time. Of course, leisurely sex can be wonderful. But it’s a luxury that few couples can afford on a regular basis. If you wait for a big chunk of time and the right mood for most sexual encounters, your sex life will become infrequent if your life is as busy as most. See below for suggestions on how time-limited sex can be satisfying for both partners.

Another top myth is that sex must be spontaneous. It’s a fact of modern life that we plan and schedule everything that is a priority. Make sex a priority and include it in your schedule. Date night is popular with many couples, but some experts advocate planning frequent very brief sexual encounters.

Couples often avoid sex because their sex life has become dissatisfying or conflictual. If talking about it is uncomfortable (and for most it is, at least a bit), avoidance can become the path of least resistance. Lack of time is often a convenient excuse. Talking about sexual concerns in a caring way and planning together for sexual revitalization can be the cure for avoidance.

Anxiety is another frequent interfering factor. Sometimes anxiety is related to inhibitions acquired earlier in life. Performance is another big source of anxiety. Performance used to be a male concern—now women, too, feel pressure to perform sexually. It’s hard for mere mortals to live up to the sexual expectations and images promoted by the media.

Sex is an important bonding component in marriage. So even if you feel somewhat alienated from your partner, sex can often be the experience that restores your bond. It can allow you both to feel closer, get affection and stimulate a sense of intimacy. For some men who don’t talk very much in relationships, sex can help them open up a little. From a biological point of view, sex has a very positive effect on brain chemistry that can make an important contribution to the on-going health of your marriage. Sex primes the pump for intimacy and healing in marriage.

Marriages that don’t maintain their sexual vitality are very much at risk. Plan together to protect and promote your sex life.

For many people, sensate-focused sex is great early in the relationship. They give themselves over to the wonderful body sensations of sex with their partner. If you find sensate focus less satisfying as your marriage progresses, consider a more interpersonal approach to sex—what Schnarch calls ‘eyes wide open’ sex.

Fantasy can be another important source of stimulation and variety for a sex life that has become routine. Fantasy can be anything from reading sexy stories to watching sexy videos to talking about things you’d like to do (whether or not you actually go on to do them). Reviewing together the early days of your relationship and what you found so alluring in each other can be very stimulating.

Pasahow advocates using mutually arousing fantasies, both in advance and during sex, to increase your stimulation, so that both partners can be satisfied in the limited amount of time available for most sexual encounters in busy lives.

Use variety to increase novelty: new and various fantasies, positions, toys, locations, times, etc.

Take turns initiating sex. Take turns being in total control while your partner remains totally passive. These strategies help to deal with common complaints that partners take too little or too much responsibility.

Optimize your sex life by communicating desires and taking small risks.

Pasahow and other books give many suggestions for implementing these approaches in many different relationships with different sexual issues.

Our suggested readings about sexuality in marriage (and other committed relationships):

Carole Pasahow, DSW, ACSW, Sexy Encounters: 21 Days of Provocative Passion Fixes
(Program, resources and suggestions for lack of desire, ‘not enough time,’ increasing variety, use of fantasy, reconciling different sexual styles, etc.)

Click here to learn more about or buy this book through our bookstore link.

David Schnarch, Ph.D., Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships
(Stages and impasses of married sexuality. Stick with it past the slow beginning. There are some really important ideas here and they tend to accelerate in the second half of the book. He is a strong advocate for marriage as an environment for the continuous personal development process of each partner. He describes the interaction between marriage, personal development and sexual relations.)

Click here to learn more about or buy this book through our bookstore link.

David Schnarch, Ph.D., Resurrecting Sex: Solving Sexual Problems & Revolutionizing Your Relationship

(More specific problem-related advice.

To read on please click here

Q. Is it normal to keep masturbating after marriage? I’ve been married to my husband for 12 years and we have a toddler and a new baby. We make love at least once a week, yet I still masturbate when the kids are napping. Then I feel guilty, like I’m cheating on my husband. Am I?

A. Masturbation most definitely doesn’t count as cheating, says Anne Semans, coauthor of Sexy Mamas: Keeping Your Sex Life Alive While Raising Kids (Inner Ocean Publishing). “Try not to think of partner sex and masturbation as mutually exclusive,” she says, “but as complementary activities.” It’s no secret that the more sexual pleasure you experience, the more motivated you’re going to be to have more sex, so “your masturbation forays aren’t diminishing your desire for your husband, they are rejuvenating you.” Semans suggests putting your private pleasure in the same category as any other reliable energy booster, like a good night’s sleep or a day off from the kids.

As for guilt, who needs it? (Unless, of course, the guilt increases the thrill of your single-handed adventures.) Ultimately, the decision to confess your solo flights to your husband is up to you. He might get off on the idea, or he might harbor similar guilt over his own secret masturbation. Talking about matters could offer you both a sense of relief.

You might even consider taking it one step further “and incorporate a little mutual masturbation into your sex play,” muses Semans. “After all, it doesn’t matter how you work up your appetite, just as long as you come home for dinner.”

To read on please click here

So often I hear about how much men need sex, but my husband has no interest in sex. The only time we make love is when I initiate it. Is there something wrong with me? Why doesn’t my husband want me?

Donalyn: Well first of all, there is nothing wrong with you! The first response of most women in your situation is to second-guess or blame themselves. While your husband’s lack of desire is certainly a problem, it is most likely not a problem with you. In fact, most sexual problems aren’t sexual at all.

Dave: That is right Donalyn. We sometimes have the idea that for men, the sexual experience is detached from what is going on inside. In reality, a man’s emotions can have a huge impact on his sexual desire. If he feels emotionally distant from his wife, and especially if he feels like a failure in any way, it can lead to a lack of confidence and therefore a lack of interest in sex. For a man, sexual performance is very much tied to ego, so if he is not feeling good about himself it will definitely show up in his approach to sexual intimacy with his wife.

Donalyn: As women, we know that our sexual appetite is diminished when we do not feel connected to our husbands, or if there is unresolved anger between us. But we forget that our husband’s sex drive can also suffer for these same reasons. Likewise, if a man is overworked or under a lot of stress, whether inside or outside the home, sexual interest may start to take a back seat.

Dave: Of course, there are all sorts of physical issues that could be at play here too. If your husband has had any struggles with erectile dysfunction, that is likely a huge contributing factor. If he is feeling any lack of confidence in his ability to perform, he will almost certainly shy away from physical intimacy. Libido is also significantly impacted by testosterone levels, so if your husband has low testosterone, that could be the cause. Drug use, whether prescription or otherwise, may hinder the sexual desire. The good news is that many of the physical factors are very treatable, so it may be time for your husband to have a doctor’s appointment to get some help with this.

Donalyn: Sadly, in many cases, there are other things going on which are not so easy to deal with. Healthy sexual intimacy in marriage can be totally derailed by a person’s involvement with pornography or other inappropriate sexual activities. That is becoming more and more prevalent in this age of the Internet.

Dave: It is true. So many in our society view pornography as harmless, and some even think that it’s a great way to spice up your sex life with your partner. A man can easily be drawn into porn, where he never fails in the fantasy and where he can be sexually stimulated without facing the issues with his wife. But the truth is, pornography neuters a man. He becomes so wrapped up in this fantasy world that he is no longer capable of being excited by his own wife. She cannot possibly compete with the airbrushed models in the magazines and on the computer screen, so the husband simply loses interest in her.

Donalyn: So in reality, he has as much need for sexuality as ever; he is just getting those needs met elsewhere.

Dave: Exactly. And it is not just pornography, either. Sexual substitutes can include a variety of fantasy sources, combined with self-stimulation. Pornographic movies and books, phone services, and strip clubs are rampant. Some men find release in voyeurism: scoping women out and fantasizing about them later. Others give into their attractions to other women, leading to emotional and/or physical affairs. Regardless of the way it is acted out, the point is this: few men can choose to be “neuter” for long. If your husband has lost interest in sex, and there does not seem to be a significant emotional or physical explanation, he may have fallen into one of these snares.

Donalyn: As you can see, there are a whole lot of issues that may need to be sorted through to get to the root of the problem. You need to have an honest talk with your husband, but do it in love. Rather than attacking, grilling or blaming him, share your struggles with him. Tell him that you are wondering if there is something wrong with you that is causing him not to want you. Be vulnerable and let him see what you are feeling – whether that is your insecurity, feeling unfeminine or even ugly. Even if you suspect that it is more a problem on his end rather than a problem with you, approach it sensitively.

Dave: That is a great suggestion. Realize that this is an extremely difficult thing for a man to talk about. He may feel embarrassed, insecure, humiliated, or guilty – especially if he is living a lie. Coming at him with guns blazing will only push him further away, so be gentle in your approach.

Donalyn: I would ask him how you should interpret his lack of interest. Ask him what you can do to help him re-engage sexually. Maybe he knows exactly what the problem is, or perhaps you will have to work through it together to discover what lies at the root. The best thing you can do is approach it as a team. He cannot be made to feel like this is all his problem to solve on his own. He needs to know that you are on the same side. So share with him your needs and your desires – how you would like things to be. Then work together to get there.

Dave: That is right. Support him throughout the process as he works through his fears and insecurity. Remind him of your love and your desire to grow in your intimacy – emotionally, physically and spiritually. And even though you might not be able to fully relate to his perspective, work hard to genuinely understand where he is coming from.

Donalyn: Right. But that is tough to do if you discover that pornography or other illegitimate behaviors are part of the picture.

Dave: Yes, that is very true. But if you do suspect that this is a factor, you are going to ask him the tough questions about where he is having his sexual needs met. And as hard as it will be, if your husband has the courage to open up with you and share his struggles in this area, he will need your support. These issues can be worked through and overcome, but not without a great deal of patience and understanding.

Donalyn: It is also important to find out if there is anything that you have been doing to contribute to the problem. Not that it ever excuses wrong behavior on his part, but you need to know if you have said or done anything to turn him away from you. It may be that you have a critical spirit, that you have been controlling him or cutting him down, or that you are making him feel less of a man. If so, these are behaviors that you can take responsibility for and begin to change, in order to improve the situation between you.

Dave: Absolutely. If a man is feeling constantly criticized or dominated, it creates big damage to his self-worth, and that filters down to his sexual interest. So find out what issues may be coming between you and take positive steps to resolve them. You might even read some marriage and sexuality resources to help you through this process. Sheet Music, by Dr. Kevin Leman and Staying Close, by Dennis and Barbara Rainey are good places to start.

Donalyn: Finally, make sure you are taking care of yourself. Do you feel good about how you look? A failure to take care of yourself can put extra strain on him. Remember the woman that he married? Keep yourself looking your best and you will feel better, regardless of his response.

Dave: Keep in mind 1 Corinthians 7:3-5.

“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self control.”

While I would not necessarily recommend preaching at your husband, every couple needs to remember that depriving or denying each other increases the temptation to have sexual needs met elsewhere. Again, it never legitimizes it. But a wise person will work to keep their spouse satisfied within the marriage.

To read on please click here



When it comes to marriage, there’s no question about it, sex is a tie that binds. However, for millions of couples, there is trouble behind closed doors. It is estimated that one out of every three couples has a sexual desire gap. Simply put, in these marriages, one spouse wants sex much more often than the other. And that spells trouble. In fact, sex therapists report that a sexual desire gap is the number one sexual problem brought to their offices.

If you are in a sex-starved marriage, you will probably want to read this post and the one that will follow because you will find them quite helpful. Whether you are the spouse who has higher desire or the one whose interest in sex has flat-lined, you both need to be proactive if you want things to improve in your relationship. This post offers 11 tips for the spouse whose desire for sex has seemingly vanished. The next post will offer tips for the spouse yearning for more physical closeness. Remember, it helps to approach this sexual divide as a team.

1. Make having a satisfying sexual relationship a bigger priority in your life

There are at least two very important reasons that you should take your sex life off the back burner and pay attention to it. The first is your relationship with your spouse. Your marriage depends on it. Your spouse’s feelings about himself/herself depend on it. Your future together depends on it. You have to stop thinking you can have a great relationship without satisfying sex unless your partner wholeheartedly agrees. Don’t resign yourself to passionless lovemaking or a relationship void of true intimacy. Even elderly and chronically ill people can enjoy a robust sex life.

The second reason is that unless you are truly enjoying your intimate relationship, you are really cheating yourself! If you aren’t all that interested in sex at the moment, you are probably thinking, “I don’t feel cheated at all,” but I’d like for you to take a moment and think back to a time when sex was more fulfilling. Really think about it. Wasn’t it wonderful? Didn’t it feel great? Recall what it felt like to be a more passionate, sensual person. Didn’t you feel better about yourself? Wasn’t it more fun?

When you think back to times when things were better between you sexually, you may ask yourself what happened to your passion and what caused this to change in you. You may also wonder if you will ever feel the same way about being sexual as you once did. Perhaps it’s the seesaw phenomenon at work; the more one person does of something, the less the other person does. Well, this holds true for sexual issues as well. Since your spouse has been the one to focus on sex in your marriage and you have felt pressured about it, you have backed away. In fact, it’s entirely possible that the cat and mouse dynamic in your relationship has dampened your desire, even fooled you into thinking you don’t like sex anymore. But this isn’t necessarily so. Your negative feelings or apathy may have more to do with the chase than sex itself.

In order to change this, one of two things must happen. Your spouse can stop chasing (and you better believe that this will be one of my suggestions), or you can become more proactive for making things better between you. Since you are the one reading this, I am going to strongly suggest that it is you who has to take charge of changing things. You need to start to figure out the steps you ought to take to feel more passion and desire. Make feeling sexier your pet project. If you don’t, you are missing out on one of life’s greatest joys, feeling truly intimate with the person you love. Don’t shortchange yourself. Forget about doing this strictly for your partner or the marriage, do it for you!

How? Start by telling your spouse that you understand why s/he has been unhappy with your love life and that you are going to do something about it. If s/he replies, “I’ve heard this before,” don’t take it personally. This sort of response is based on hurt. Just reassure your spouse that this time things are going to be different and say nothing more.

2. Get a medical checkup

To eliminate physiological causes for your lack of desire, a trip to your family physician or gynecologist may be in order. Ask if hormone replacement therapy such as testosterone would be appropriate. Evaluate whether side effects from medications or medical conditions are a factor in your situation. Discuss whether herbal remedies or dietary changes may be helpful.

3. Schedule an appointment for you and your partner with a therapist who is trained and experienced in the area of sexuality

If you are a man whose sexual desire has plummeted due to your having sexual problems such as impotence or performance anxiety, a certified sex therapist can teach you many different techniques to overcome these difficulties. You might also consider taking a drug such as Viagra, which will help you have and maintain an erection.

I know it is really difficult for a man to admit he is worried about low sexual desire and even more difficult to ask for help in this area. But I urge you to do precisely that. You need to put your pride aside and get your sex life/marriage back on track. Your wife may be understanding at the moment, but if you put things off much longer, she might not be around.
4. Care about your spouse’s feelings

Although you have had very valid reasons for not being in the mood, I hope it’s clear by now that your spouse has probably felt hurt and rejected because of it. I know this has not been your intention. Far from it. But part of the healing that must take place between the two of you involves your active participation in things that will help your partner feel better. Here are a couple of suggestions that might help boost your spouse’s morale.

Flirt – If you think back to earlier times in your relationship, I bet the two of you were more flirtatious. I bet there were pats on the butt, a wink of your eye, a kiss blown across a crowded room, lightly touching each other in passing, a suggestive smile, a well-timed compliment about your spouse’s appearance, and so on. This kind of playfulness is an important part of keeping passion alive. Put more energy into letting your spouse know that s/he is attractive by flirting.

Don’t just say “no” – If you aren’t in the mood, and sometimes you won’t be, it’s okay to say “no.” You shouldn’t feel bad about it. However, if you do say, “no,” it’s important that you make an alternative suggestion. Perhaps later in the day might be better for you. Or, just because you aren’t in the mood yourself doesn’t mean you can’t do something to pleasure your spouse. Although your spouse might initially insist that the only way s/he is interested in being sexual is if your heart is totally into it, convince him/her otherwise. Since your sexual desire might always be lower than your spouse’s, there is nothing wrong and everything right with the idea of your pleasing your spouse from time to time when s/he is in the mood. It does not have to be reciprocal. Convince your spouse that you really feel good about giving to him/her in this way.

5. Look for the small flutters

Dr. Pat Love, coauthor of Hot Monogamy, suggests that it is frequently the case that people with low sexual desire never experience earth-shattering sexual urges as do their more sexually-oriented partners. For them, it’s more like barely noticeable, mild tremors. Rather than assume that the Tidal Wave will be the cue that it’s “sex time,” look for more subtle signs.

For example, have you ever had even a fleeting thought that your partner looks good tonight that you like his/her cologne/perfume, or that you find yourself attracted to someone on television and it puts you in a slightly sexy mood? If so, great. This is a wonderful starting point. Take an action. “When you feel even the slightest pulse of desire, follow through with it,” say Dr. Love.

6. Put on your running shoes

Joggers always say that the hardest part about running is putting on your running shoes. So too with sex. I wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard a person say, “I really wasn’t in the mood at all at first, but once we got into it, I enjoyed myself.” When people nudge themselves, even halfheartedly, to “get their feet moving,” their pleasurable physical sensations often override any reason to resist.

To read on please click here

Overcoming Stress in Your Marriage

Marriage is a wonderful relationship. There are several aspects to this relationship – expression of
love and affection, close companionship, concern for each other, mutual respect, tolerance,
forgiveness, compromises, emotional support and security, sexual expression, and bearing and
rearing of children.

However, the list is incomplete, yet the quotient of these basic aspects differs from couple to couple.

Somehow, sometime and somewhere down the line, the relationship quotient of your marriage starts
shivering and shaking with stress of daily life. This brings a negative impact on your married life and
you face innumerable problems. The best recourse is to sit and analyze the causes and work on
them, thereby strengthening your marriage vows. A few basic steps help you both overcome stress
in your marriage.

Keep aside time daily for just the two of you to talk over things. Do not try to hide any thoughts or
feelings for fear of upsetting the other.

Give full attention to what your spouse is talking about. Understand and accept others’ needs or
wants and then follow the best course.

Never harbor any lies in your relationship, as truth is sure to surface at some point.

Learn to accept and forgive mistakes. Humans are born to err and nobody is perfect. Both of you
should accept your mistakes and look for remedies.

Careers and monetary decisions need constant revision and changes according to circumstances.
You need to set the priority of a partner’s career to maintain equilibrium in a marriage.

A sexual relationship highlights your intimacy and love. Such intimacy develops over a period of
time. And, it changes as your relationship changes and as you add children to your family. It takes
communication.

Take time off from the daily grind for just the two of you and get off to some weekend outing or
even an evening together. This surely rekindles your romance and you come back fully recharged
and ready to face any problems.

Doing familial chores together bonds your relationship and you get more time for each other.
Similarly, you can spend time together while doing some of your hobbies and interests.

Arguments are a part of every relationship. You need not avoid them and bottle your feelings or
anger, as letting them out, discussing and arriving at a solution enables you to relieve stress.

Problems inside your marriage belong inside your marriage. Work out your problems. If they are
too tough to resolve then you will need an expert in the field of marriage to help you keep your
marriage working well.

To read on please click here